"No way - I would never trash my own 'Values' over trivial conflicts - would I?"

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Let's check that we are on the same page as we have a discussion about 'Values'. I am speaking about such things as being able to be Creative, have Integrity, Fitness, Security, Faith, Self Confidence, Wealth, Winning, Honesty and many more.

In the cool light of day, we would never purposely/consciously/intentionally trash our Values. They are a part of us and how we do life, want to do life and choose to do life on planet earth.

Our Values define us; define who we are; represent who we are; shape who we are. How dare you invite me to just flippantly get rid of one of my Values; destruct, destroy - trash my Values. Why on earth would anyone do that?

So, my question is - when Sex/Porn addiction triggers arise and you 'Act out', is the fact of Acting out, an indication that you have just Trashed all of you Values?

Can you see patterns of activities and behaviours which show you undermining those dearly held Values, which in other situations, you would and could never undermine or trash your Values. Look how you undermine and trash your Values when emotions - such as conflict with a partner - gets the better of you; also when 'Acting out' beckons. 

Neural Pathway repetitive hamster wheel patterns of behaviours (from past learned and even inherited scripts from family) may be at work repeatedly, but you did not notice, analyse or give credence to what you were doing? You were actually trashing and undermining your strongly held Values.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Sex porn love addiction is all about self-soothing to manage your emotions. It got set up back in the childhood development years.

SPEAKER_01 0:08

It's just not about sex, it's not about porn. It's all about the repeated use to set up the physiology to crave those dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, self-manufactured drugs in the body. It's impacting women, men, children, age 10 to 75 across all the age ranges, the sexes, the cultures, the professions. It increased exponentially during COVID lockdown and impacting so many lives. The Kairos Center has created the first online comprehensive sex porn love addiction. It's a video on demand recovery program which you can access from anywhere in the world and begin to see identifiable changes just within six weeks of beginning this weekly program. Kairos means your appointed time. Isn't it your time to reclaim your life? Bring colour back to life without shame? Click the link below and begin your journey. You owe it to yourself and to others. If I were to ask you, what is your understanding of the concept of values, a person's values? What sorts of words would you use? Rather than repeating the word values itself, what other words might express what I'm talking about? Because I want to make sure that we're on the same page as to what we are dealing with in this session when we talk about values. Throw out some words, both of you. What words come to your mind when you think about your values, somebody's values? Would you agree with me such things as principles, standards, morals, ethics are all alternative words that could be used for values? Would you agree with me that a person's values don't really change overnight quickly? Someone has said our values are caught, not taught. Not entirely sure about that. Because I think there is something about the childhood developing stages of life where we do get the button passed on to us initially in the early stages of childhood development. But definitely I agree that as we grow up, we evolve our own values. But once those values are in place, those guiding principles as to how we are going to go on to do life, how we want to do life, they are our choices, and our values go to the core, the heart of us. They're pretty significant, they're pretty major. No one is going to talk us out of them very quickly overnight. I always say that no eloquent teacher, preacher, is going to preach to us, talk to us, and cause us to change our values quickly. They may certainly give us a lot of food for thought, but we're not going to change those values very quickly. We will sit with, reflect on, ponder on the things that they have said, and over time we might change our values, but not quickly, because they go to the core of us. In this exercise, I would like you to begin to understand the concept of values and actually get to know what are your values. It is really important that you know your values because so often, unwittingly, unknowingly, you harbor, you carry deep within you some values that you may not own, they may not be visible until somebody trespasses on your values. And when people trespass on our values, we're going to know about it, and so often they're going to know about it. Even if we don't tell them so, our reaction, mannerism, interaction with them will often show the extent to which we are perhaps irritated by them because of what they have done, perhaps to undermine, to trespass, to trash our values. But so many of us are so nice that we say nothing to them. But your history, they don't interact with you. What if that process is going on in so many of the different systems of life in which you interact, including with your partner, with your wife, with your husband, but you don't really understand and know and can identify why you've just reacted, you are reacting to them in the way that you are. Let's better understand some of these unconscious processes, like our values being trespassed upon that might be triggering conflict, a withdrawal, a removal, an irritation is what I would like you to reflect on as we bring this part of the session to a close. In the cool light of day, when our this part of the brain, the logical thinking, reasoning, cerebral cortex, frontal lobe of the brain, is the one that is logical and reasoning, helps you to make reasoned thought-through decisions. When that is online, and you reflect and you're thinking in an intellectual way, many of you would likely say, No way am I going to get rid of any of my values. Why would I do that? They're core to me, they're dear to me. How dare you even ask me? Some of you will look at them and say, actually, trying to win and the competitiveness in me and various one, they're more labor-intensive, they're actually more impediments. No, actually, I am gonna get rid of some of these. And you might have been willing to get rid of one because you could see how the other four can supplement that bit. No, I it's enough. I can get rid of one. I might even got rid of two. When you tried to get me to get rid of three, no, I didn't try to get you two. What I said was I wonder if you're willing to And so How far did you go? Some of you didn't go. Didn't get rid of any. Here's the point. In the cool night of day, when your logical brain is thinking through, you'd say, no. I'm not, or maybe I'll get rid of one, but that's as far as I go. And yet in the times of conflict between the two of you, are there some emotions or situations that get the better of you that causes you to do and say some things to your partner towards your partner, that effectively means your action or inaction has caused you to trash, to undermine your own values, that on another occasion you wouldn't give any thought to trashing your values and undermining your values, and yet conflict, upset in an emotional place. Often when your logical thinking brain is going offline and you're working from something further back here, deeper in, called the limbic brain, the emotional brain, that causes you to do some things, say some things that trashes your values. I'd like you to reflect on that and then have a conversation together. Do you agree with me or disagree with me? The very fact that we find ourselves doing and behaving in a particular way towards our partner. Is it possible those behaviors, those actions, those inactions could be interpreted as actually trashing, undermining our own values, which we normally would not even contemplate doing, but find ourselves repeatedly doing in conflict situations.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Send me a message. It's time to get your relationship back onto a better footing for your future. Let's do some work without shame and bring colour back to life. Send the email, send the message to me, Gary McFarlane at the Chiral Center. And let's begin to reclaim your quality of life.