56 Trusting My Problems

As we continue to explore different ways to fall into Trust, we look at a current problem in our lives as a portal into our awakening.  How can problems be helpful to us?  Join me as we take a look.

These podcasts are here to support your personal path of awakening whatever that might be. I feel they are most powerful when listened to in sequence from podcast one forward because each is built on the last. Though they, also, all stand on their own. If anything does not resonate, please disregard it and follow your heart. All my podcasts and website are free. Enjoy!

Though I am a psychotherapist, and these podcasts are offered to be spiritually helpful, they are not psychotherapy. If psychotherapy is ever needed, please reach out to a psychotherapist.

www.williamecooper.wordpress.com for more support. You may, especially, enjoy the short contemplations and the resource page which gives you some supportive material.

Transcript

0:00

Hello, this is William Cooper. Welcome to awakening together, relaxing into happiness. I trust you're doing well. In our past podcasts, we have been talking about trust, how fundamentally everything at its core is good. It's whole, it's peaceful, it's happiness. And it all flows from the infinite good through manifestation or creation or existence, you might call it. And all of existence is good, even when it doesn't appear to be good. It doesn't appear to be good because we look at it through a separated mind. We feel separate and therefore we feel the effects of separation, such as separation, anxiety, or fear. We feel angry that we're separated. We feel abandoned and hurt. So from the separated, hurt, fearful, angry mind, we view our world through that lens. And we create our world through that lens. We create our world through a lens of anger, hurt, and fear. So that skews the world for us. We create a personality because we feel that we're lacking. We are afraid and we're lacking safety. We're angry, so we're lacking fulfillment. And we feel abandoned, so we feel like we're lacking love. We form a personality to get these things. It's a big getting machine and it's like a juggernaut. We just keep creating from this getting machine and it skews our experience of life. But you know what? It was destined to be that way because who made it that way? But the infinite. In awakening, we dissolve away our barriers, our false personality, our false sense of self, and we open up. And as we let go, we open up into the infinite, into our true selves, our whole self, our full self, our peaceful self, our happy self, our blissful self. We open up into that and we find out that's who we are. So that expansive self is the one who's creating this whole world, creating this experience, including the experience of separation. This experience of pain, of hurt, of fear, of anger. Why would it do that? Well, as we've discussed before, when you feel separate and angry and fearful and distressed, you have the fundamental underpinnings for a good drama, a good movie. You overcome, you fight, you have troubles, and then love erupts and love is found and wholeness is found and you become awakened and now everything's okay. It's a drama and all of creation is a drama. All of creation flows from the infinite. But in order for it to exist, it has to have positive and negative. It has to have duality. That's the nature of existence. So it has to be that way. Yet at the same time, the whole thing, since it flows from beyond, from the infinite, and the infinite is good. How do I know that? It's because as you awaken, your intuition awakens and you can feel it. You sense it. Perhaps you already sense it either because you're awake or in meditation when you stop and you feel that. Like Jesus said, any good that exists in the world only comes from God. Good teacher. Who are you calling good? The only good is God. All the good, all the love is the infinite. And that's the clarity or clearness that shines through even in the midst of delusion. So anyway, this is what we've talked about a little bit more in depth in some of our past podcasts and one way or the other, going all the way from podcast number one forward. We've talked about this. But now let's look at it and from a different angle from my life. So and let's see maybe how I'm experiencing this, experiencing my human condition. So I'll give you a little bit of background about me. I grew up in the military. My father was in the army and we traveled quite a bit. We moved every year or two and we lived in pretty rough areas. And so as we traveled from place to place, I was continually bullied and attacked and beat up or kicked or hit or. And even when I wasn't, sometimes people would follow me home from school and just say nasty things to me all the way home or I would sit down on the bus. I remember my first day in the bus on one place and some kids smiled and he was like welcoming me. But when I went to sit down, he put his foot on my rear end and just shoved me down the aisle and laughed. And it was just a lot of that kind of thing all the time. And I was a kid. I was weak. I didn't know what I was disoriented. And this happened over and over like Groundhog Day. As we moved every year or two. So among other things, I had what's called chronic PTSD. And what that means is when you have a trauma that happens a lot continually. You develop PTSD. You don't have to be in a war to go through a big trauma to develop PTSD. You could have a series of little traumas and develop PTSD. So that's what I did. And how did I deal with it? I just did what you do in the military or what I let me just say what my surroundings dictated I do, and that's to just move forward. Soldier on. Move forward. And I considered that as courage. You know, just even though I was afraid of people because I was getting attacked, I just continued to move forward. I pushed that aside, my fear, and I moved forward. And I started working out and eventually became very strong and big and very fierce. And nobody would mess with me. If they did, I would get up in their face and I would be very I would be ready to die fighting them. And, you know, when you have a crazy person coming up against you, you don't want to fight them, even if you're double their size. So every bully faded after that. They all disappeared. I started in rugby. I was the first sophomore to ever start at the Vanderbilt rugby team. It was we had five or six teams. It was a city university team. And I was known for my on field violence and rage. Why did I have that? I had become very strong and tough. Why? Because I was afraid inside. And I was angry for all those years of being bullied. I had chronic PTSD and I covered it up because that was how I moved forward. And I just developed other skills, but it was there and I didn't even know it. So we've talked about trust and we've talked about. Existence being created, and it all comes from the one. We've also talked about how we manifest things in our lives. Yet even when our life seems to be a disaster, it's really made of goodness. Now, how can that be? Again, coming back to me as an example. I notice when I walk. Down the beach or when I walk anywhere, every time I pass somebody. I started to notice that very deep down inside. I feel like they're going to attack me now. Normally, that's all covered up. And, you know, I've been to India. I am a psychotherapist. I've done a lot of work, but that's how deep. These things go. And you can't just make it go away. Just try to push it away. That's what I did as a kid. Just pushed it away. That doesn't mean it goes away. It just means you cover it up. The only way it goes away. Is when it relaxes and dissolves out of your system and it feels like it was never there to start with. That's called total relaxation or awakening, right? So as these different layers have peeled off. Within me, I go deeper and deeper and there's perhaps a deeper tension. And now I'm to this tension of my chronic PTSD, where I think people are going to attack me. Now, how good is life? Let me tell you when you have something going inside of you that you would not want to feel. You'd rather not feel it. It sets off a vibration. And as we've talked about before. Me moving through that fractured part of myself. I project the power of the infinite through that lens and I create a world that will reflect back to me. That thing that I don't want to look at. It will bring it to the surface. So if I feel. And like people are going to attack me, that's not a comfortable feeling. That's a fear. And so I don't want to feel it. I try to get away from it. Well. Life will bring to me people that appear to want to attack me. I won't get into the particulars, but let's just say I've had. Plenty of recent experience with that. And when I walk down my idyllic beach. I've had some kind of crazy people, some unbalanced people come at me. As unlikely as that would be. So I have manifested this. What does that do? It brings these. Hidden feelings to the surface. OK, this will happen to you. This will happen to all of us. I guarantee it. You can try to bury something, but your life will start to reflect back to you that which you've been hiding. And it will come to the surface. Somebody will slap you. They will attack you. They will whatever your thing is, they will do it. Your vulnerability, the thing you don't want to feel will come to the surface. And you know what? Why did you hide it? You hid it because it hurt. That's why I hid my stuff. It hurt. It does hurt. So it comes to the surface and we feel what we've been trying not to feel and it hurts. Well. So this is how I deal with it. This is my life. The first thing, because I've had some awakening experiences. I have a perspective. I truly feel grounded in the infinite at the same time. As I feel very small and vulnerable and. Fearful that I'm going to be attacked. I feel both of these things at the same time. Now, that's my benefit because I didn't used to feel both things. I only used to feel the fear. I would cover it up, so I would kind of feel numb and I or I wouldn't even know I had the fear. I would just be so covered and bounded up by my defenses that I just lived in sort of a. Little tube, you might say, and I don't know what you call it, but a protected little shell. And I would move forward and I would be successful in life looking out from inside of my armor. Now my armor is melting off because of the goodness of creation. Creation won't let me be armored. Why? Because I want awakening. I want to enjoy the full fullness of my life. And I can't do that when I'm cut off from myself and all armoring cut you off from yourself. It cuts me off from myself. So this is how I deal with it. I'll use this example of walking down the beach. I'm walking down the beach. Crazy stuff starts to happen, and even when it doesn't, I'm feeling like it could happen any minute because that's how PTSD works. You know, a dog could look at me funny and I'll feel like, oh my God, something bad is going to happen. You know, a bird looks at me funny and, you know, I get jumpy. It brings it to the surface, this PTSD, this feeling of being attacked. So I feel it. And what do I do? I don't push it away now. I embrace it. I just let it sort of exude its energy, because as we talked about in another podcast, my radiance is actually bound up in the energy that I'm exuding. And this particular energy is an energy of fear and tightness and tension. I just let it radiate. And I smile in a sense that, oh, this is my aura. At least I have an aura. And I just let it radiate. I don't push it away. It's all okay. It's my drama and I created it and it's okay. Life is okay and life is good. I know that this fear is made of love, like we've talked about another podcast. I know that. I do know that. And if you don't know that, I'd say listen to all these podcasts if you haven't. And then plenty of meditation, plenty of spiritual practices, whatever works for you to open you up. To see is to be free. So whatever helps you see clearly, do that. So I'm radiating this fear. And as this fear radiates, guess what? It sort of expands its boundaries and it flops and opens and expands into light, into goodness, into well-being. Does that happen quickly? No. This has been going on for some time, but I feel it unfolding. You know, this is chronic PTSD. It takes a while sometimes. But what's the hurry? What else are we doing? So I let it unfold and it begins to exhaust its bound up energy, just like a rubber band that's twisted real tightly. If you let go of one end, it will just unwind and become loose and limp and relaxed. Or an ice cube will expend all of its coldness and turn into water. It'll just fall apart into water. My fear is like that ice cube. It just expends its energy, this radiance, and it gets brighter and brighter and brighter and turns into love and peace and well-being. And I begin to feel myself as a radiant being. I remember Bhagavan, my guru, used to say he knew he could do miracles. And that wasn't his goal. It's not my goal. I don't care one way or the other about miracles, but they do naturally happen. And I've had them happen through me. And perhaps you have through you big ones, undeniable ones. And they happen as your radiance flows through. He used to say he knew he could do miracles, but he didn't see any of them until he was 30 years old or so. Because I guess the flow just wasn't fully there. That's how it feels walking down the beach. That's how it feels in my life. Everything, every day is becoming better and better. Not because I'm chanting some each day I'm better and better kind of thought. No, I'm just letting everything be as it is and exude. I'm not trying to control anything. I'm letting it radiate outward, radiate outward, radiate outward. And so what begins to happen as we talked about in maybe our last podcast, the unmanifest infinite is also the manifested creation. It's all one thing. Everything is good, even if it's shaped in a bad way, quote, unquote, bad way. We like our dramas. We like our stories. So we've created creation as a story, as all sorts of dramas, good and bad. You have to have the bad to have a good drama. So we've created that we as the infinite. And there's only one person or one oneness that's creating you. Me, we're all one. We've created this whole, quote, unquote, mess because we wanted to. And now it's clarifying and we're enjoying that, too. We created it. It's all OK. So even on our meditation practice or our emotional growth, each day is OK. And yet we're called often to move even deeper and to deeper clarity. And that's OK, too. Everything is OK. And we relax into that because we have the direct experience. At least I do. And somewhere deep inside, you do, too. None of this has happened for me in an easy way. I didn't set it up that way. Apparently, I've had to fight for every millisecond, every inch, every millimeter of radiance. But I've experienced so much goodness. And my drama has been very fulfilling to me, my awakening drama. Everything I experience. What's beyond? Reality beyond existence through my intuition and my existence is beginning to just completely erupt into bliss, into a radiance of bliss and glowing and peace and well-being and happiness. All the time, even when it doesn't appear good, it feels good. It is the strangest and happiest thing. That's awakening. And we're doing it together. That's why I mix sharing. Because it's together. Today, I'm walking down the beach. I'm feeling these things. We're awakening together. It's a process. Yet I am in full touch with what's beyond. Like I say, I see existence strobing in and out. Yet with PTSD, that is happening also. We are experiencing many realities all at the same time. And we have to deal with each reality on its own. Yet as we work with each reality, it melts into other realities. And the goodness in one affects the other. So it's all one. But as Bhagavan said, he said, you know, you fractured your life into a thousand pieces. You're like a thousand voices inside a thousand different people inside of this one you. Because you're a kaleidoscope. You've separated yourself so completely. It's like you're a cacophony of voices. As all those melt, as all the distinctions melt, as all the PTSD melts, it all melts into one. One radiance. The original one. Yet we can experience the diversity. It's all fine. We're in the world, but not of it. Yet we experience every bit of it fully. We just don't hold on too much. It comes back to us because it reflects where we are. Just like my fear reflects out and it brings me different events to elicit that fear. As that fear melts away and there's more radiance, that radiance brings to me. Radiant events, good events automatically. So it's all good. Even the bad is good. It brings to me that which I need to see my blocks better. Right? So it's all good. We can trust everything. We can relax into that trust. And as we relax into everything, that's called trust. And we open. Just like you relax. You trust a good massage and your muscles relax and you open. You trust nature. You relax when you walk in nature. They call that now forest baths. You walk. They've done studies now. They say that if you walk in a forest or in trees or in greenery for 120 minutes a week, you'll feel much better. Well, of course. I mean, we know that. But we're so separated. We need studies to tell us what is pretty obvious. Grounding. That's when you put your feet, your bare feet on the ground. You feel the wholeness and goodness of the earth that heals you. Walking on the beach, the infinite ocean, the sound of the ocean, the feeling of the quartz crystal, the sand underneath your feet. Same. It bathes you in nature. Nature is the infinite, just like you're the infinite. The only difference is it doesn't think. And therefore, it just bathes you in oneness without the division that we create. And our hallucinations and our thoughts, we create that division. Nature doesn't do that. So as we relax into nature. Our divisions. Relax out and then we feel an awakening in that moment. Maybe our divisions come back because we're not seeing clearly completely yet. But it does help. Walking in nature. Taking a forest bath, so to speak. So many things help. Every spiritual practice is really designed to help the division relax out. Relax out of you and to embrace the good, which is always there. Gratitude. What is that? That's embracing the good that's always there. Having a gratitude journal. Or let's say taking a jog. When you're exercising, you often will melt away tensions and then you feel good. Because underneath it all, you feel good. Tensions are gone. You can feel what you always feel like. Yoga. That's what that's about. Anyway, trust. We can relax into this. It's all good. That's why spiritual practices work. When you dissolve things out, what are you left with is goodness. When you get a massage, what are you left with? Goodness. When you walk in the forest, what are you left with? Goodness. It all comes out good, right? We just make problems and then those problems melt out so easily. Take a jog. You feel better. Talk to a friend. You feel better. Because underneath it all is better. Okay, trust. We'll talk a little bit more about this. I think we're getting there. I enjoy talking with you and I hope you enjoy it as well. I trust you'll have a good week. Take care. Bye.