136 Experiencing Light, Childhood Trauma, Opening to Love Again, Healing Chronic Illness - Q & A

This is a recording of a Live Q & A which has been edited for clarity, length, and helpfulness.  By way of encouragement I shared with the group how I am experiencing my Self as LIght these days.  Also discussed how relaxation and tension apply to the process of Awakening and how to release blocks.  Participants asked how to release childhood trauma, how to respond rather than react, How to open one's heart to love again, ideas on how to work with a chronic illness, The Growth Formula, etc.

These podcasts are here to support your personal path of awakening whatever that might be. I feel they are most powerful when listened to in sequence from podcast one forward because each is built on the last. Though they, also, all stand on their own. If anything does not resonate, please disregard it and follow your heart. All my podcasts and website are free. Enjoy!

Though I am a psychotherapist, and these podcasts are offered to be spiritually helpful, they are not psychotherapy. If psychotherapy is ever needed, please reach out to a psychotherapist.

www.williamecooper.wordpress.com for more support. You may, especially, enjoy the short contemplations and the resource page which gives you some supportive material.

Transcript

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Welcome everybody. This is Awakening Together, Relaxing into Happiness, and my name is William Cooper. I trust you're doing well this week. This is your time to talk about whatever you would like concerning your path. And what's behind each of our individual paths is suffering. We're all hurting. Buddha said, life is suffering. That's one of the noble truths, the first one. And it's true. What I'm experiencing now, after all these decades of working on my path, is I experience myself as light. Our being is light. The problem is that we're often covered up by our own thoughts and emotions and troubles. And we're so caked over that often we don't feel our beingness, which is a radiant light. And it's very powerful. And I'm saying it in that way. Perhaps you already experience yourself as light. But I'm saying it in that way because I didn't experience myself as light. I was suffering. I just experienced all the obstacles that I had created that were continuing to exist inside of my psyche and blocking me from my true self. There's nothing we have to do to be a bright light. We already are a bright light. All of us right now are a bright light. And that bright light is explosive. I was shocked when I experienced it. It's so powerful, like an atomic bomb going off inside of me continually. I was used to living in a cultural world, a Western culture, where I thought about things and I had concepts. Little did I know that when I would read that our innate nature was happiness or power, things like this, I thought, well, positive thinking and visualization and so on and so forth. I did not realize the power inside of us, this bright, bright, bright light. And the qualities of this bright light are love, peace and well-being. There's no stopping it. So, these 135 podcasts that precede this one are the step-by-step process that I found helpful to have that experience. I don't know if any of you have questions about your path, but while you're thinking about possible questions you might have, I'll talk a little bit about what I'm experiencing. And I'm doing that just as when I was starting out, and many of you are very far along on your paths, many much further than I am, but some aren't. And when I was starting out, it gave me hope when I realized that somebody like me was actually experiencing the things that I had read about, or the processes that they had talked about were actually working. So, in that spirit, I'm talking about what I'm experiencing. And it's so powerful that sometimes at night I can't sleep. It's just so much light coming out of me. I'll feel it in my stomach, especially right now. And it's all these tensions releasing and melting into this light. Now, tensions, of course, are made of consciousness and you can feel melting into light, which begets more light. The reason why the consciousness has been shaped into tension and blocks is because of separation. And when it unwinds, when it releases back into love, peace and well-being, it releases all of that tension and hurt and anger and fear, all the products of separation. So, it can be very uncomfortable. And as the light expands, it pushes further and further out and you expose more and more borders and boundaries. And those borders and boundaries are also made of some form of tension, some form of hurt, fear and anger. So, you feel that. So, it's not as I had imagined that when you start experiencing yourself more fully as light, and I'm starting to experience it most all the time, but it's a mixture of the light that we always are, which makes sense because that's who we are. And it's also the undissolved or dissolving blocks are also melting as this light expands. And that hurts. So, it's a mixture of joy and happiness. This light feels like condensed joy and happiness. It's joy and happiness moving so fast it's in light form. But you can feel that if it slows down, it would erupt into laughter and joy and radiance. That's who we are. And that's what it feels like. So, in the past 135 podcasts, we've gone step by step with, okay, we are light. And by the way, I also experienced myself before light. And that is complete emptiness. What I'm talking about now are the things that I can feel. That's light. That's well-being. That's joy. And that's peace. That's explosive. That's the atomic bomb. It's not, it's, I can't convey. It's like I'm talking to myself. It's what I'm trying to do and talk to myself way back when I was in theological school and trying to explain to myself, this is not a concept. It's an atomic bomb. So, because I wasn't experiencing that and I had no, in our culture, no reference point, I couldn't get it. It was only until later that I came across some Eastern gurus, you might say. Well, they were gurus. They are gurus. That some of these gurus, there's so much light coming out of them that I have seen like in a room of thousands of people, some of them cannot get up off of the floor. They're paralyzed. It's so powerful. And I myself, I, you know, you can't, you don't feel like moving because you're in such bliss just being in their presence. You see that my friend over my head in the yellow, his name is Bhagavan and I was with him for 10 years in India. I would go back and forth to the United States. But he is so powerful, probably the most powerful being I've come across. And I've been with Ammaji with, for 200 darshans, Shiva Shakti for over a thousand. These are very powerful beings. But this one in the yellow, wow. And he had this, this interesting ability to be able to fill you with light. And you took that with you. What normally with a guru when they leave the presence or the radiance leaves with them in their presence, you are just almost passing out in bliss. But when they leave, they take that with them. And then you're left to your, your old self. However, you did get a taste of what was possible. And that motivates you even further on your spiritual path. So that's why it can be good to be with a guru. But with Bhagavan in the yellow behind me, he would give you this power. And when I went back to the United States, that power came through me for 10 years. And it was extremely powerful. So I got a taste inside and outside of what that was like. However, it was his power. I thought it might be mine for a while. I think most people around him or many do think it's theirs. But he told me to go out on my own. And when I did, foosh, the power was gone. And I was back to finding my own, being in touch with my own being, dissolving my blocks. There, there really, I haven't found to be any shortcuts. If you're with a guru, no matter what they say, or anybody else says, I haven't found that to, um, they can't awaken for you. They can teach you, they can show you. I mean, this time with Bhagavan was extremely powerful for me. But in the end, you're the one creating your own blocks. Therefore, you're the one that's got to stop it. You've got to stop doing that. Nobody can do that for you. And as you do that, you find your innate being is like an atomic bomb and has always been there and is radiant love and happiness and wellbeing. Again, that's what these 135 podcasts so far are about. So today, having said that just as I would have liked to have heard that I first started meditating in 1973. So I've been at it for a while. And I would have liked to have heard those words of encouragement because I always hoped things would work out. When I was in theological school, I would have liked to have heard this also because I was hoping I would figure it out. So because we happen to be here right now, I'm just telling you, this is what I'm experiencing. It is, we start in suffering, but we don't have to stay there. And there are step-by-step positive ways to let things go. It's like if you go into a room full of dirty clothes, say you've got a room in your house and it's full of junk. You open the door and it's years worth of junk and you want there to be a clean, light filled room. You've got to do something. I could open the door and I could visualize all I want, but it's still full of junk. I've got to pick up a sock. I've got to pick up some junk. If I want that room to be cleared, I have to do some things. I could sit there, I could do all, I could read books, I could do whatever, but the room would still be full of junk. So that's what these 135 podcasts so far, they're all free. They're there for whoever wants to listen. It's just my thoughts, my experiences. You're all invited. And if you follow me on Insight Timer, every time I release a new podcast, you'll get notified and also about these live sessions. So I hope somebody out there, just the fact that you've probably talked to many people that are experiencing themselves as light and love, perhaps you are, but for those that haven't and aren't, I'm giving this by way of encouragement. Everything you hear about is true. Miracles do happen. And I don't mean just, Oh, it's a miracle. I'm awake. That's the biggest miracle of all, by the way. However, listen to my podcast on miracles I have seen, I have experienced, and I've had miracles happen through me. Many of them happen because of my Guru's energy, looking back. And I say that in the podcast, but they happen. And they happen as you get clearer, as you start to experience yourself as light, things just start to happen around you that are whole, that are healing, and that affects your surroundings, whole and healing. Don't be discouraged if it takes a while for this light, for, for that, which is blocking it, the things that you're doing to block yourself. If it takes a little while to let those things go, don't be discouraged. It's a process and it will happen. Bhagavan, the guy with the, my friend with the yellow behind me, he said it wasn't until he was in his thirties before he could do miracles. And again, he's probably one of the most, he's the most awake being I've ever come across. After he told me to go on my own, that's what I've done. And I'm not recommending people follow Gurus. I'm recommending you follow yourself and follow your heart. So I'm not recruiting here or anything, even for myself. I'm recruiting for your heart, your insides, your wellbeing. It's you. And if I say anything in any of these podcasts that don't resonate, please just disregard it. I remember when I was starting out and, um, I used to go all over the country, all over the world, listening to different and talking to different teachers and Gurus. And, um, I remember they might say something and I would think that was true, that they were so awake that whatever they said was true. Well, it might've been true for them. It might've been their perspective, but in this world, in the world of duality, it's very easy using labels and words to say things that really don't apply to somebody else. Or they might be time bound. Like if you read old, uh, scriptures, uh, either Christian or Buddhist or whatever, there's a lot of truth, but a lot of that's time bound and it doesn't really apply to us today. So you want to listen to yourself and never be bound by what you're listening by your teacher, regardless of how powerful they are. But Bhagavan, he did not, uh, he wasn't able to do miracles until he was in his thirties and that wasn't his goal. He just offhandedly was saying that. And I'm saying that because often the more powerful miracles happen as you start to experience yourself as light. And as you experience yourself as more and more light, of course, your radiance is stronger and it affects your environment more strongly. Jesus, you know, he didn't, you got a Bible language is different than Buddhist language, but Jesus, in my opinion, when they say that he, oh, I don't know. He, he took in the Holy Spirit or the Holy Spirit descended on him. And that didn't happen until John baptized him. And he, I'm guessing he was around 30, by the way, you can read about all of that in Mark first chapter ninth verse or Matthew third chapter 16th verse. And also it's interesting to note that in Galatians five 22, when it talks about the fruits of the spirit being love, joy, and peace, those are the same as the qualities of being love, joy, peace. So Bible language, Buddhist language, Hindu language, they use different words, but I think it's the same thing. So that's why I equate the Holy Spirit with the same as being. And when you are filled with the Holy Spirit, it's the same as being clear enough to feel your being, at least in my opinion, I'm sure others would disagree, but that seems right to me. That means he wasn't really experiencing himself as light until around then. And that's about when Bhagavan did too. I'm a late bloomer, but I think we take with us what we leave with. So I'm in no hurry. When I pass from this earth, I'll take with me wherever I am. So if you're 90 years old and you're on your path, no fretting, whatever progress you make, you take with you. If you're 15, well, you got a lot of years to open up and let go. And what are we letting go of? Our pain, our obstacles, our old habits of how we trip ourselves up and cover ourselves up. So you don't have to have all this happen instantly. Everything you release, you feel better. Every bit you release, even if you have a thousand obstacles inside of you, every time you release one, you feel a bit better and then a bit better and a bit better. So it's not about getting to the bottom of the pile because your being is always there shining radiantly. It's just getting enough of the pile to open up. So there's at least a little hole that your being can shine through and you can feel it. You can experience yourself. So there'll be a while where you're experiencing yourself as pain and as bliss at the same time. Because both are true until you let go of more obstacles, you'll keep experiencing the suffering and the bliss is always there. Nothing you have to do about that. It's there whether you uncover it or not. It's, it's there and you're being guided by it, whether you know it or not. Okay. So, you know, I could talk forever about all this stuff, but it's better. I think if you guide me a little bit, like what's important to you on your path, because, you know, Buddha was awake. Good for Buddha. But how does that help you or me? Where are you? What do you need? What is helpful for you? So if anybody has a question that would be helpful for them, please ask it. You can type it in that box and we can start a discussion. It'll help everybody listening in too. And while you're thinking of something or typing something in, I just want to acknowledge that it's good to see you all. It's good to see you Noni, Amalie. Oh, childhood trauma. We can't talk about that. And she says 95% of the time you live on autopilot by your subconscious. And everybody, Suzanne says how to open her heart to true love again. Okay, those are some, those are great places to start. And I'll start with Amalie since she was the first to write something. Yes. In our culture, I think most all of us have childhood trauma. PTSD, they say can happen with individual traumas, like war or accidents or a number of other things, abuse. But it also happens when you're, you have repeated low level traumas. And to me, that's another word for childhood. So a lot of us, I think if any of you find that you're haunted by things, and they just don't release with your spiritual practice, you've been at it for years and years and years and years. And that stuff is still there. It may be it may have turned almost into like a muscle cramp of the brain, like a brain cramp or emotional cramp. And that's called PTSD. It just requires a little different process to release it. We exist on so many different levels inside of ourselves that the one size doesn't fit all. Sometimes psychotherapy is good. And none of these podcasts are psychotherapy, though I am a psychotherapist. Sometimes different spiritual processes are good. Sometimes all manners of things will be good. Sometimes just exercise, sometimes taking a break and watching TV is good. You've got to not overwhelm yourself. But if you find some of this stuff doesn't release, you might want to look at the podcast I did. I think they started around 30, or maybe they started 26. But they're labeled PTSD, part one, two, three, and four. And I think even the one after it, the fifth one might be about PTSD. But that really helps a PTSD related to your spiritual path. But Amalie was saying childhood trauma. And yes, since I don't know some of you are newcomers, and I'm going to say something very fast. And if you want more on it, just start with podcast number one and work your way forward. And I will talk about it a lot. But when we sit still and meditate, to me, that's the most powerful way to release these things. It's only one way. Listen to yourself. Because again, sometimes psychotherapy is what's needed. And sometimes meditation is what's needed. And certain times, types of different kinds of meditation can be good. And we go through those on the podcast, all of what I've talked about. But when we're separate from ourselves, separation creates separation anxiety. So we are the very separation from our being our being of light, love and wellness, peace, that's us. When we separate from it, when we're not feeling it all the time, constantly, we develop separation anxiety, we develop a feeling of abandonment, the universe has abandoned me, and discontent, anger, I don't feel fulfilled, I feel angry. Because we feel these things, hurt, fear and anger, we develop a personality to get what we think we're missing. We're not really missing these things. Because our being is love, it is peace, it is well being, we're just separated from it. Artificially, we've done it to ourselves. And so we develop a personality to get love, even though we really are love, we develop a personality to get peace, even though we are peace to get safety. So often what happens is, let's say tense up your right hand into a fist, like this. Let's say that represents a conglomeration of hurt, fear and anger and all the thoughts that are generated by it. I have heard fear and anger. So I'm incessantly thinking, how do I solve this? How do I solve this? How do I get safe? How do I make this person like me? How do I make that person like me? How do I get a job that earns a lot of money, so I'll be safe? You know, so incessant thinking, that's the problem. But we don't like it, it hurts. So what do we do? We, you stick it behind your back, so you can't see it. You know, that's called repression. And we do that every day. Somebody does something that's not nice. It hurts my feelings. But I've got to carry on through the day. What do I do? I don't know what to do. I create another knot inside of me, but I've got to go on forward. So I stick it behind my back. Now that's two things behind my back. Then my mother yells at me as a child, and I stick that behind my back and then my father and I stick that behind my so after a while, I am so covered up with these things. That of course, I don't feel my being I am completely cut off from myself. So what happens in meditation, I sit still. When I sit still, I can't repress I can't run to the to the refrigerator and eat a pie. I can't watch TV. I can't talk to friends, I just have to sit there. So then it's hard to repress stuff. And what happens these things start to pop out. And then I watch them because in meditation doing it the way that I the first way that I described and probably podcast number five or six. I just watch it. I let it exude its energy that it's made of that I repress so it's been full of energy this whole time. I let it exude it that hurts. That's why people don't like to meditate it hurts. It's releasing its energy, it's releasing its energy, and it starts to open up. Then very importantly, the second step is it has to connect to something that makes it feel good and breathe it in so it can relax. Like you get a massage, you go in with a tight muscle, it's rubbed, it exudes its energy, how that hurts, that hurts, and then it breathes in peace. And what happens to that tension? It releases it relaxes, and it disappears. This relates to childhood trauma. So we're still we're still there. But this is the childhood trauma. And in meditation, at least releases, relaxes, and let's go. So now I have one less childhood trauma. But as you were saying, before I release enough of these, I am on automatic pilot because I, I flow from being but my being is covered up. I respond from being but my being is covered up. So I can't flow and I can't respond in life. Instead, I react to life. Oh, that hurt my feelings. Or why did you say this? Or why did you do this? Or why did you do this? Oh, that hurt. I wish you had and I wish that's reacting. That's a lot of reacting. But that's all I know how to do. Because that's all I've got in front of me as a 1000 of these tensions and hurts. And so in meditation, this relaxes and after a while you learn that, hey, I'm the one watching the tension. I'm not the tension because when the tension releases and goes and completely disappears, I'm still here. So I couldn't have been my problem that I was looking at. That gives me a so what am I? Well, I'm that which is watching. Well, what is that? What does that feel like? In the end, it turns out that it's light, well being love and everything beyond. So that takes a while, but that's what you will experience that will be your direct experience. It's not a book. It's what boom, you feel. Okay, so childhood trauma, and thank you for bringing that up. And yes, this 95% of the time we just touched on that we're reacting, we're reacting. That's autopilot. Yes, we've repressed in our subconscious mind. And that's full of these knots and hurts and fears. And we're overwhelmed. And we don't want to look at it because it hurts too much. And meditation makes us do that. But in meditation, take baby steps, don't overwhelm yourself. Stop, don't do it forever. Stop, stop, stop. And you'll build up your ability. Don't start with four hours. In India, some gurus, they'll meditate eight hours a day for years, or 16 hours a day for years. Don't do that. That in the West, that's very hard because we're releasing so much. What I've just talked about is releasing old traumas. We've got so many old things clogging us up inside of us. But what about current things that happen? You're walking down the street, or you're driving your car, and something happens right now. How do I react so that I don't put it into my body so that I let it just flow through? Well, that's exactly what you do. Say somebody cuts you off in traffic, and you feel anger coming up. Just feel it, but don't get involved in it. Just let it run its course until it releases its energy. It breathes in well-being, and it relaxes, releases, and is gone. So you haven't added more anger due to the current event into your system. Instead, you've done the opposite. You've let the event trigger an old anger. You've let it come up and release itself. So current events, you just don't react to them. Even when they're intense and you feel lots of emotion, just let it flow through your body the best that you can, and let it dissipate, let it go, and breathe in wellness. Look around and notice, Hey, I'm okay. I'm okay. And feel good that you've just let so much go, and you haven't added to your inner burdens. So life itself can be a cleansing of the old stuff, as well as just feeling and being present to everything that's going on, no matter what it is. Joy, love, peace, happiness, or even if it's something more difficult, you can just let it flow and move through your body and it's gone. And then on to the next thing. I hope that makes sense. And as with all that we're talking about in this podcast, I talk about it a lot more in the earlier podcast. So you'll come across this as you listen to some of my other podcasts, if you feel directed to do that. Suzanne says, how do I open my heart to true love again? Yeah. Everybody here, I think, or let's say 80% of us identify with what you're saying. I remember being in school and I hurt so much. Most of my life, I hurt so much like so many of you. I hurt so much that I didn't know I admired people who seem not to hurt. And I just took it and I was like, 10th grade or something. And I just took it as a mission to not feel things anymore. I thought that was a good thing, not to feel things. And that just buried all of these thoughts and emotions that came up. They didn't deconstruct them or dissolve them as I described the process just a moment ago. I didn't do that. I instead just pushed them away. And then they went down into my subconscious. So I was riddled with them and my heart was so full of those mental emotional blocks that I couldn't feel anymore. I accomplished my goal. I couldn't feel. And so many of us have some form or fashion of that. So how to open our hearts? First of all, I'll tell you a truth that doesn't seem true, but your heart is already open. Your heart is perfect. There's nothing wrong with your heart. What we experience is all these mental, emotional, repressed, let's call them complexes or repressed. I don't know what the word would be. Stuff. There's so many of them that they're sitting in front of our heart. So our perfectly great powerful heart isn't felt by us because it's behind a wall. So how does how do you feel again? You sit still and let these things begin to dissolve to exude their energy, just like you wind a rubber band real tight, and it's all knotted up when you let go of one end. It just spend spend spends until it's loose, limp and relaxed. Well, that's what happens inside. That spinning, though, is a release of all the hurt, anger and fear. So it does not feel good as it's released. We feel it hurt going in. That's why we were repressed it. And it hurts coming out. That's why people don't like to meditate. Often they don't. You all do because here you are on the site, but many don't. So the way that we open our heart is we're not really opening our heart. We're just dissolving that which is blocking. So I hope that helps. And if if I don't answer any of your questions fully or helpfully, I mean, it's baby steps. I can't answer every level. But if I don't, if it's not helpful enough, just circle back around and ask me more. Noni I'm fully vested in awakening, but the old habits keep nipping at my heels. Yes, Noni, that's just the awakening process. There's nothing wrong with that. That is true for everybody. That's true for me. That's true for me today. And I'm experiencing myself as light. But it takes a while for the whole system to reorient. And what you find is the habits get thinner and thinner and thinner and less oppressive as you continue on your path. But the habits themselves are what if you stop a habit. This is a trick I do with myself sometimes. If you stop a habit, let's say if you're real fidgety, and you stop fidgeting, what do you feel? A person might say, I can't do it. I feel so anxious. I can't do it. Or I start to feel depressed or I feel very angry. I feel angry that I'm having to stop moving. Well, that's the underlying thing that wants to release and heal. I've been distracting myself with the fidgeting. Well, that's the same with habits. If I stop a habit for a moment, just see how uncomfortable you get. That's the discomfort that's wanting to release that's the engine for the habit. Now on another level, and as I said, we're made of many levels, there's just a certain momentum with habits. Even after you've released what's motivating the habit, sometimes you just then have to stop the habit. Just stop. I just stop. But you want to release what's underneath it some before you stop. Otherwise, it's more difficult. And I'm not even sure if it's possible. Maybe it is, but that underlying thing still has to be addressed. JB, going through an illness that has become chronic, how did I find the balance between searching for answers, diagnosis and treatments and letting go, accepting, relaxing? To me, these two things seem to be opposition to each other. Well, first of all, JB and everybody here, life is hard and I'm sorry. Because I'm just telling you answers and, you know, it's hard in real life when you sit down and you're with yourself. There's some times where you just want to cry and it's hard or difficult or scary. I experienced that. So, that's part of it. That's biological and it's okay. But you've got a very deep answer and it's, I mean, a question and it's a complex one because here's what I would do. I'm no doctor and this is not psychotherapy. So, please take it with a giant grain of salt and get whatever help you need from a professional that can speak to the physical side of things, which I can't. But what I always would do is work on my meditation. If it were me, and I don't know where you are in your path, you're probably way beyond me. But even so, I listen to other people's stuff or did. I don't so much anymore. And I would start with my number one podcast and work your way forward and see, are you already doing that stuff? Does it resonate? If you are, I always like to listen to other people's take because sometimes they say it in different words than the way I think about it. And there's something about that that is deepening to me. But I say that because we're carrying a burden. So many of these mental and emotional things and they have to, it's not simply letting them go. People will say, just let it go. Okay, but how? That sounds great. Take a breath. Okay, great. What about all this tension? I still feel in my body. How do I let that go? Well, that's what these podcasts are about. How they have to release their these mental, emotional things have to release their energy, they have to unwind, and then they have to breathe in peace. And you have to sit with them until you see them. Relax, release and let go just like a muscle tension that's getting a massage until it's gone. Now that doesn't happen all at once. That's okay. You dissolve a little bit today, take baby steps, and then the next day and then the next day. It'll be still be there for you. But the reason I start there is because that takes the burden off of your body, the emotional tension and turmoil, but that is a step by step process that takes a lifetime. But it doesn't take a lifetime to dissolve some things and every bit this dissolved helps you walk lighter on the inside. So I would just do that every single day, consistent daily baby steps, and you probably already are. I'm just I that's all the information I have is what you wrote right there. And I'm talking to lots of other people that are listening in. So please excuse me if I'm being a little redundant for you. And then, then doing that all the time, no matter what, then I would start on a mission to talk to various professionals and see what they can offer you. And I would listen. And I would try them out. Maybe it's acupuncture, maybe it's homeopathy, maybe it's a regular medical doctor, allopathy, or who knows what, maybe it's exercise. I don't know. But that's how I've approached things. And it typically works out. And as I've dissolved more things out of me, I've discovered, I said, I'm turning into light, I feel it, it's like visceral. But you know what, I also said it brings other stuff up the other deeper layers of blockages. Well, they have to relax into something and for them to completely let go. In the end, you have to completely trust everything. You trust the universe. And it's not psychological. It's step by step, you feel that trust. So in the end, those those blockages, just like the massage melts into relaxation, well, the deeper blockages than us melt into total trust. That doesn't happen on the first day. That doesn't happen after the second year of meditation for most people, not for me. It took decades before I got to that level. And I'm still on the front edge of that. But I say that because in that deep trust, there's deep healing, there's deep flow. But to get to the deep trust, I have to stay with my spiritual practice and keep letting these mental emotional things relax, release and let go. And what do they relax, release and let go into the part of me that's watching them the awareness and how do they do that? Because I've gotten used to awareness. I know what it is. It's peace. There are no problems in awareness. But I didn't figure that I didn't find that out for quite some time. But eventually through lots of meditation, and putting my attention on that and reflecting what is this awareness, feeling it, feeling it, feeling it, experiencing it, I found out what it was. And then that allows everything that's not that to melt into it, to soak it up. And just like attention in a massage, it soaks it up. It's like soaking up relaxation, and it allows it, it gives it the ultimate context, which is infinite everything to relax into. Now, the other side of awareness, when I said I'm experiencing myself as light, love, well being, peace, mainly light, but within it is all these other qualities. I also feel beyond the light, complete emptiness, complete, infinite, all possibilities. I feel it, but I feel that intuitively, not through my senses. That didn't happen overnight. It took me forever for that to happen. So I'm just saying, stay with your spiritual practice, and then be practical and go out in the world and find your answers. But they both will help each other. And the infinite, you're in the infinite's hands, it is guiding you. So in India, they had a process called the, what was it called? The growth process. And they said, if you have a goal, let's say healing, you visualize what it is that you want. You release any blocks to it. That's your meditation. You work very hard towards its resolution in the outer world. That's talking to various doctors and practitioners and researching and doing whatever you need to do. Don't get yourself overwhelmed, baby steps, step by step by step. And then what they said, that grace, because you've taken the first step, grace will flood in and somehow strange coincidences will happen and you'll get your miracle. That's called the growth process. Picture what you want as if it's already happened. Remove any obstacles or at least some obstacles, whatever you can, to actually receiving that. Then work very hard doing practical things to make that happen out in the world. And when all that happens, it mobilizes grace to do the rest and to make a miracle for you. So, I hope that helps. April says, first time here. Let's see. This thing is moving very fast. So, let me see what I can. Oh, April says, first time here with you. I'm liking your vibes. Groovy. Groovy. Well, thank you, April. I feel so happy because I know my history and I didn't like my own vibes. I do now. But I was in so much pain. This stuff works. I did what I just told, what I was just talking to JB about. I worked hard. I talked to so many gurus. I've gone all over the world. You don't have to. I did it. Just listen to my 135 podcasts and then move on. Listen to anybody's, but not just me. But I put some good stuff there. Filamino says, thank you, William. Very helpful. April. Groovy just aged me. But enjoying your insights. Thank you. Thank you, April. And JB says, thank you. Oh, JB says that was really helpful advice. I'm glad, JB. Anybody else have any thoughts or questions? It's really helpful to me on my path. Good teachings are very helpful. That's what I hope to have in the 135 podcast. When somebody asks me a question, yes, I've had amazing teachers. I've been around amazing gurus. I mean, balls of light. Amazing. And also, just like all of you, in the end, I have to sit down or do my spiritual practice. And as you know, it's not easy to stick with it because we're releasing pain. And who likes to do that? But it works. And through your own path, then what you're able to do and what I do is when somebody asks me a question, it's like I actually see the answer. An answer, let's put it that way. It would be like if somebody was getting their information about trees from reading a book and they said, you see that tree over there? It has three yellow leaves on it. Now, maybe they read something in a book philosophically or something. And they're asking the question from that angle, as I have done for so much of my life. But now I can say, no, they're not three leaves on that tree that are yellow. There are no yellow leaves because I am looking at the tree. Direct experience now, no book, no anything, no teacher. Just I'm looking at it. I'm experiencing it. You too, every day as you do your practice, you experience things. And if somebody asked you what you've done up until that point, or what you've experienced up into that point, you can answer them very clearly because that's where you are. So that's our path. That's our life. That's what we're doing. All the rest of the stuff is, um, I don't know. It's beautiful, but this is really amazing. Our spiritual path. Noni says after multiple, very close losses, I am only interested in awakening. Yes. I am so sorry for your losses, Noni. And yes, healing happens on so many different levels, grieving, emotional levels, and there's lots of loss and suffering. Which does motivate many of us towards awakening because it's very painful to lose those that are close to you. Again, I'm so sorry. And in light of your comment, let's talk about awakening. Buddha says, of course, that suffering leads to awakening, that it's a good thing. Well, it's both good and not so good, but ultimately it is good. And that's what you're talking about. Yes. Nothing in this world is permanent, but it's very beautiful. Jesus said, be in the world. He didn't say avoid the world, be in the world, but not of it. You know, we are this radiant being. Buddha said, rest, take refuge in your Buddha nature. That's your radiance, your Buddha nature. It's the same thing. I call it being, Buddha calls it Buddha nature. Jesus calls it the Holy Spirit. Rest there. It's permanent no matter what happens. And once you're safe there, once you know what's going on there and the light is releasing and you're feeling the fullness of your true self, then life is a joy. Stuff happens. So what? I'm safe. I'm fine. It's like it's raining outside. I enjoy the lightning and the thunder and the rain, but I'm inside nice and dry, enjoying the show. Same with life. Now, if you haven't found yourself yet, you're not inside, you're in the rain and you're in the lightning and it's very dramatic and it seems very real. That's suffering. And we all experienced that. And I'm sorry for that, but it's kind of how it's set up because duality, you can't have a world without duality, without light and dark. You can't have a picture without tones. You can't have a painting without colors. You can't get rid of black and be able to paint. Sandeep, hi. Sandeep says, sometimes I get scared that something might get triggered due to me. How do I get over this fear? Now, are you talking about something triggered in somebody else due to you? Oh, uh, sometimes I get, okay. Okay. Well, Sandeep, first of all, congratulations on compassion. That's, you don't want other people to hurt. There's nothing wrong with that. But the thing that is tricky and I think maybe all of us, I can only speak for myself, me, but I think most people experience this. We don't want to hurt other people. So we use wisdom, right timing. In Buddhism, they call it right action. You know, there's maybe just try your best. Nobody gets it exactly right in this world of duality, but try your best, best timing to talk to somebody, best way to approach something. But also what you put your finger on is so important. That fear that comes up with inside of us, we're afraid to hurt somebody. Compassion is, we don't want to hurt somebody. We'll do our best, but it doesn't include fear. Most of us also have this fear component or anxiety, right? That part we're doing to ourselves. That part's due to separation from our being. That part's a bad old habit. And that part is what comes up. And when it does, we can meditate, feel it, let it release its energy and let it breathe in peace and wellbeing from our beingness. Let it release, relax and let go, just like attention in our body and let it start to dissipate. Now, I don't know about you, but this doesn't happen overnight, the complete release of this. This is a long process. Hats off to people that it's not a long process for, and I'm sure there are that we're all different, but for a lot of us, this takes, it's hard, but those are the components. Your compassion is good. Use wisdom. When, how to talk, uh, you might, some people talk to therapists and get, um, get, um, guidance, how to bring this up. What words would I use? Um, how do I do this? Or, or a good friend talk to a friend. They might even give you a completely different perspective. Maybe we're not seeing as clearly as we could under other circumstances. And it's good to get another opinion and guidance. That's wisdom. But then on the inside, release the fears. That's a separation and that creates delusion. And sometimes when I'm overwhelmed with my fear, I can't see straight. I can't see straight enough to be totally compassionate. And I can't see straight in order to be totally wise. I get overwhelmed. So do all those things. I hope that helps, but that's a start anyway. Thank you so much. All of these questions are so good and they touch all of us. Unknown. He says, I feel like my true self and my grieving self are engaged in a long, deep tea party, getting lighter one sip at a time. That's a good way to say it, Noni. That is a very good way to say it. It's like they come together and the grieving self starts to relax in the presence of your true self and breathe in the well-being of your true self and starts to let go. Some starts to know that, Hey, it's okay. And you know, when you lose a friend or a spouse or anybody that's close to you, even a pet or a dog, I shouldn't say even, but a pet or anything that's close to you, there is a biological disruption. It's like sawing a limb off of a tree. If you put a certain instrument, you would see a phantom limb. Same for people. They lose a limb and war or an accident. There's a phantom limb and that person often can feel that phantom limb. Well, what you described is a healing and that is so crucial. Also, what I'm pointing to is you want to give yourself biological time for that phantom limb to heal. That's, that's a little different. That's just being good to yourself and knowing it's okay to go through the process. What you described, the grieving, there's also an emotional component and a spiritual component that what you described addresses that. As I said earlier, there's so many levels to everything. One size doesn't fit every level. So there are more levels to that too. Sandeep says thanks for his, our dialogue about what is concerning him and Noni says beautiful feedback. Thank you so much. It's fun to talk. It's helpful for all of us because it supports and gives us encouragement and it lets us talk to real human beings instead of getting out of a book. Here at least we can get a perspective and talk about some of this stuff. Everything is welcome. So thank you so much for both listening in and for asking questions to give us all something to listen in and reflect and go deeper with. Thank you so much. And I look forward to talking to you next time. Take care. Bye.