Series 2, Episode 15: Havin' a Talk With God: Sex 201

Sex 201

Thyme goes deep into the birds and bees.

This series, Havin’ A Talk With God, is a preview of a new Podcast Musical set to premiere in September 2022.

Get to know Thyme Quinn — and through the course of her conversations with her good ol’ pal, God, eavesdrop on the prayers of a most complex character searching for Truth in her daily struggle to understand  her own complexities – complexities that we all struggle with daily.

We’ll be presentin’ this weekly, an’ doncha worry none, each episode won’t take ya’ more ‘an 5 or 6 minutes a shot.  Along the way we promise lots a’ food for thought, a lotta laughs, an’ even a revelation or two regardin’ your own life.

Try it. He’s a different kinda God. He talks back … in plain English.

Scattershot Symphony is presented by Watchfire Music watchfiremusic.com

Transcript

Havin’ A Talk With God
A Podcast Series
E 14 - Sex 201

Thyme

Oh God …

God

Oh Thyme …

Thyme

I got ma’ list …

God

What list?

Thyme

You know, ma’ list a’ sex questions that I told ya’ that I was gonna make.

God

Oh, that list …

Thyme

Well, like I said, Mama don’t talk, an’ ma’ daddy’s up an’ gone, so who’s gonna tell me ‘bout the birds an’ the bees? Seems like yer elected. 

God

Oh brother … What about Lizzie? I just don’t think I’m the right uh, well uh, uh …

Thyme

You, of all people, are embarrassed! Now what’s that all about?

God

Well, first of all, I’m not people and secondly, I’m not the usual “turn to” help for this sorta thing. Can’t Lizzie help ya’ here?

Thyme

Well, God, you know Lizzie. Sex is ‘bout the first an’ last thing on her mind on her daily schedule, but somehow I jus’ don’t think I’m gonna get the straight dope on it from her. You know, her philosophy is more like, “Do it! Git it as much as ya’ can. Have a ball!” But she’s prob’ly on one end a’ the pendulum and little ol’ naive me, well, I’m out here on the other end. I’d kinda rather find somebody comin’ at it from the middle.

God

Well, that makes sense.

Thyme

That’s all ya’ got ta’ say?

God

Uh huh.

Thyme

Well, I declare. I thought I could bring you jus’ ‘bout anything.

God

Well, ya’ can, Thyme. Of course ya’ can. No, I can philosophize about it, you know, give you some guidelines, but … I get the feelin’ you’re lookin’ for more than that.

Thyme

Well, yeah! I need ta’ know all ‘bout them details. You know. What am I ‘spose ta’ do ta’ him and what is he allowed ta’ do ta’ me?

God

Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.

Thyme

I thought you was ‘fraid a’ nothin’!

God

Well, maybe “afraid” is not the right word. Uh … It’s more .. uh … like uh … well it’s just awkward. I mean, I’ve never done the details before an’ I’m not sure I’d know where ta’ start. It’s such a human thing, ya’ know … ya’ see … i … I …

Thyme

Well I ’spose it starts with kissin’, maybe holdin’ hands, maybe jus’ starin’ at each other kinda googily like, but after a’ while I guess people begin ta’ git bored with the preliminaries and move it on ta’ pettin’. 

God

Uh huh. Uh huh … Go on.

Thyme

Well, yeah, that’s where it really starts gittin’ intres’tin’! An’ that’s where I begin ta’ git all ma’ questions.

God

Uh huh.

Thyme

I mean, when it comes ta’ pettin’ what am I ‘sposed ta’ do? Jus’ sit there while he rubs his hands all over me?

God

Well, maybe you’re ‘spose ta’ enjoy it, you know … an’ maybe even rub back a little.

Thyme

Well I imagine that could be fun. I didn’t know I could rub back.

God

Ya’ see, these are the kinda things you should be talkin’ ta’ Lizzie about.

Thyme

Well, accordion’ ta’ her, ya’ do a lot more than jus’ rubbin’ back.

God

Yeah, that’s the kinda stuff I’m not very well versed in.

Thyme

But God, you invented the whole idea of copulation, an’ gave us all the equipment fer it, but yer not very well versed in it?  Now that don't make no sense.

God

Ya’ got a point there, Thyme. Maybe I’m bein’ a bit silly here in my awkwardness, but honestly, this is a bit outta my wheelhouse.  

Thyme

I’m not lookin’ ta’ understand the act itself. I seen enough a’ that. Afterall, I am a farm girl. But the animals all seem so violent when they do it. Seems like we humans jus’ oughta do it differently. 

God

Well yeah, you’re right, Thyme. And many do “do it differently.”  They do it lovingly. Actually, come ta’ think of it, Love is probably the answer to most of your questions. 

Thyme

Yeah, as usual. Love seems ta’ be the answer ta’ everybody’s questions on every thing.

God

Uh huh.

Thyme

Here ya’ go again with all the uh huhs.

God

Uh huh.

Thyme

So let’s git back ta’ sex.

God

OK …

Thyme

It strikes me that the area between the kissin’ an’ the copulation part is the confusin’ part. Wouldn’t you say?

God

Yeah, I think you’re probably right there. Go on …

Thyme

Well. I was hopin’ that you might have a few things ta’ say on that.

God

(no response)

Thyme

God? God? Don’t be goin’ away now. I need ya’ ta’ hang in here with me.

God

OK, OK, I’m here. I’m here.

Thyme

Let’s talk ‘bout clothes. When do ya’ start takin’ ‘em off. An’ do ya’ do it all at once or jus’ piece by piece.  An’ do ya’ do it together, you know, back an’ forth or am I expected ta’ do it first while he’s jus’ sittin’ there googlin’ at me? Come ta’ think of it, does he undress me an’ I git ta undress him or what? I mean, what’s fair? C’mon! Who gits buck naked first? Tell ya’ the truth, sometimes I’m as interested in what the boys got as they is interested in what I got.

God

Well, now that’s honest. It’s certainly natural to be curious. Yeah. Maybe the word “natural” is another guideline like the word “love.” If you’re making love and it just seems and feels natural, you’re probably doin’ OK. But if you’re just doin’ sex and and it gets to the point of feeling unnatural, ya’ might just want to reconsider your next steps.

Thyme

You mean stop?

God

Stop. Pause. Postpone. Back off. Rethink. Slow it down and get it back to being lovingly natural.

Thyme

Now that’s what I was needin’ from ya’, God. I knew ya’ could do it. That weren’t so bad, was it?

God

No Thyme, that wasn’t so bad.

Thyme

You think we could talk like this again some time? Like maybe again tomorrow?  We could prob’ly spend a week on this subject.

God

Uh huh.

Thyme

You already said that.

God

I know.

Thyme

Tomorrow I’d like ta’ add the name a’ the Reverend Josiah Washburn inta’ the conversation. I’d maybe like ta’ try out some a’ the philosophes we’ve discovered today on him. Might be interestin’.  You think we could add him to the mix?

God

I think he’d be very pleased to join us … I mean, you know, join you  – it certainly doesn’t need to be the three of us.

Thyme

I know he’s a minister an’ all, but Lizzie says, “Don’t worry none ‘bout him. At the heart a’ the matter, he’s all boy!”

God

I believe Lizzie’s got that right.

Thyme

She may be all sexed up, but she’s also smart as hell.

God

To put it mildly …

Thyme

OK, then. You’ve given me a lot to build on. You’re right ‘bout the three of us. That would be a bit weird now, wouldn’t it? Probably I can take it from here.

God

Oh, absolutely. I think you’ll do just fine.

Thyme

OK then. See ya’ tomorrow. We can finalize the plan. Can’t wait.

God

Me neither …