Navigating through Trauma and Addiction - An Insiders Perspective with Mary Giuliani : 108

In this episode, I had a heartfelt conversation with Mary Giuliani, an excellent life coach who shared her inspiring recovery journey from childhood trauma and addiction. Her story sheds light on the significant impact of childhood trauma and the challenging journey to overcome it. Throughout the conversation, Mary's insights and experiences offer hope and encouragement to anyone struggling with similar issues.

Mary's story is a 30-year journey of recovery from trauma and addiction. She shares her experience with various therapies, including EMDR, neurofeedback, mindfulness, and community-building that enabled her to heal and find self-compassion.

Mary Giuliani is a Master Certified Coach and keynote speaker specializing in helping survivors heal from complex trauma and achieve long-term recovery with food, weight, and substances.

We will delve into Mary's influential book titled "It's Not About Food, Drugs or Alcohol, It's About Healing Complex PTSD." Mary offers us a glimpse into the book's four sections and the accompanying healing workbook, which has been a catalyst for transformation for many of its readers.
Through her story, we learn to appreciate the significance of acknowledging the past, the lasting effects of childhood trauma, and the value of understanding personal struggles. Mary also highlights the importance of self-compassion and the power of inner healing.
She currently resides in Southern California with her partner.

Let's enjoy her story.

To connect with Mary: https://marygiuliani.net/
FREE Complex PTSD Quiz

Transcript

Daniela SM: 0:08

Hi, I'm Daniela. Welcome to my podcast, because everyone has a story, the place to give ordinary people, stories, the chance to be shared and preserved. Our stories become the language of connections. Let's enjoy it, connect and relate, because everyone has a story. Welcome my guest, Mary Giuliani.

Daniela SM: 0:34

Mary is a coach and keynote speaker who specializes in helping with complex trauma. She is passionate about ending the stigmas surrounding addiction, obesity and mental health disorders. It was lovely meeting Mary, and I am grateful for her patience, as when we were recording well, so I thought we were recording, I actually never pressed the button for record. So there she was, sharing her story and not being preserved. So, we had to start all over again, and I am grateful for her patience and understanding. And as I'm editing her story, I found it to be a deeply insrespective exercise because she sheds light on the significant impact of childhood trauma and the challenging journey to overcome it.

Daniela SM: 1:20

As Gabor Mate says, trauma is not what happens to you, it's what's happened inside you. Mary's lifelong struggle and searching to solve them profoundly affected her life and that compelled her to write her book. Not about food, drugs or alcohol. It is about healing complex PTSD. In addition to her writing, she's also a passionate advocate for raising awareness about the prevalence of complex trauma, which often goes unnoticed and untreated. Mary offers a free PTSD quiz. I added to the show notes from her website, so let's endure her story. Mary, welcome to the show. I am so happy that you're here with me.

Mary Giuliani : 2:04

You're welcome. I'm thrilled to be here. Thank you so much for having me.

Daniela SM: 2:07

Yes, mary, I'm excited that you're here because I know you had a story and you have written a book and your story is quite interesting because there's a lot of learning through these times. Yes, yes, so tell us why you want to share your story.

Mary Giuliani : 2:21

I had been on this healing and recovery path for almost 30 years and then all of a sudden I come across this book called the Body Keeps a Score Brain, mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel Vander Kolk, and all of a sudden I'm like, oh my God.

Mary Giuliani : 2:37

So even though I was in long-term recovery with alcohol and drugs and food and had maintained an over 100-pound weight loss for several decades, I was still struggling and this book helped me realize that this childhood trauma was really the root cause of all of these issues. And even though I was in recovery from the most destructive aspects of my trauma the addictions and the weight stuff I was still struggling with relationships and with anxiety and with caffeine and with food to some extent too. Just understanding that I'm not broken or there, it wasn't my fault that I've struggled with addiction and obesity and I'm not like a weak, broken person Just that in and of itself is hugely healing. And then also understanding that there are specific types of therapies that are necessary to heal trauma was another super hopeful experience, since I've been on the healing path for 30 years done therapy, 12-step groups, all kinds of things, read books, but I didn't realize that I was missing a critical component to really fully heal.

Daniela SM: 3:46

What is your background?

Mary Giuliani : 3:47

You're a coach, but also study psychology or I've been a master life coach for over 20 years and I joke about it. I've read and studied so much on psychology I could probably have a PhD level if I ever really went to school but really I've just been passionate about understanding human psychology and what makes people behave the way they do, what makes them connect or not connect the way they do. The serendipitous reason that I even found this book is because I was listening to a addiction recovery podcast talk about her favorite books and she mentioned this book and even though I didn't think it would apply to me, since I love psychology and I'm a total psychology geek, I thought, oh, I just want to check this out. I'm noticing more books about trauma, want to understand it, and it was something I'd never really studied.

Mary Giuliani : 4:32

But as I'm listening to, I got it on Audible. I'm listening to it and I'm like, oh my God, this is me. I didn't need to have sexual or physical abuse. Just having a mom that was drunk and raging at my dad on a regular basis for over a decade of my childhood was enough for me to have my brain, body and mind changed due to the toxic stress of that environment. It was a huge revelation for me. Yes, you have siblings?

Daniela SM: 4:59

I do. I have one, and do you feel that your sibling had similar issues?

Mary Giuliani : 5:04

Well, interestingly, every child has their own way of adapting and my sister is not like. She didn't struggle with drugs or alcohol, so I really can't speak for her. Let me just say any child that's raised in an environment with that level of toxic stress is going to find a way to adapt. And whether it's through numbing through substances, or maybe numbing through relationships that were your people pleasing or codependent, or you're workaholic, these are all symptoms, you know. But I think that's one of the things why a lot of people think well, you can't have trauma if your sibling doesn't have the same symptoms. You know, one person can be a heroin addict and the other one can be a complete workaholic. They think, oh well, this person's really got the problem and the other one doesn't, even though they're both using something to take themselves out of their feelings.

Daniela SM: 5:56

You're familiar with Dr Gabor Mate that he said trauma is not what happens to you, is what happens inside you. So everybody takes it in a different way. So that's interesting that you mentioned this. So when does your story start?

Mary Giuliani : 6:08

The original major turning point was getting sober when I was 27.

Mary Giuliani : 6:13

But the second major turning point was when I was 57, when I learned that trauma was underneath all of these things.

Mary Giuliani : 6:19

Then it made me embark on my own healing path to really heal the root cause. The first step on the road was just having what they call a compassionate, coherent narrative about my life, which is just understanding what happened to you and how it shaped who you became and how you behaved and how you coped in a compassionate way versus I mean, even though you go to AA and they talk about you're not a bad person trying to get good, you're a sick person trying to get well and there's still this feeling of just feeling like you're broken or there's something wrong with you. And so learning the trauma stuff was really helpful in having compassion for myself, like I didn't ask to be traumatized and so it wasn't my fault that I struggled in all these ways. Of course it's my responsibility to heal, but just having that level of compassion for myself has been hugely healing. And then getting into these different body, brain and mind types of therapy, since those are what are required to fully heal.

Daniela SM: 7:20

You said there is easy responsibility to heal, but I feel like you also have to know that you need to heal, cuz maybe you don't know that there is something.

Mary Giuliani : 7:29

Exactly exactly well, and that's just it. I mean, even though I was on my own Recovery journey, I still didn't understand. It's like if you don't understand what the illnesses, you can't treat it, and so sometimes just people give up thinking well, this is good as it got, so it was very hopeful that there was other things I could do. I had been really pushing away the part of me that had the history of drugs, alcohol and severe obesity. In fact, even in my professional coaching career I didn't even like include it On my website or anything. I just still had shame about it. I don't want people to know this part of me, even though I overcome it, because I just thought I'd be judged and so I sort of had. I had really sort of disowned that part of myself. But now I embrace it as part of my journey and I think it's important for people to know that they're not alone. It's a totally normal response to dealing with a very Abnormal environment and that you can heal.

Daniela SM: 8:25

But what happened exactly.

Mary Giuliani : 8:27

so you read the book, you decided to investigate more, and then and then I got into the very different types of healing, which first was I went to a trauma therapist, done internal family systems therapy.

Mary Giuliani : 8:41

I've done emdr. It's a bilateral brain stimulation type of therapy. I also invested in my own neurofeedback system where I got trained on how to optimize the way my brain fired so that I would be more regulated, and regulated meaning a sense of calm, a sense of Confidence, versus anxious or shut down, because that's the thing about trauma is it typically makes people stay stuck in a sort of hyper vigilant or anxious or Just not comfortable in your own skin kind of experience. Also, yoga and somatic breathing and mindfulness is really key as well, and just building a community of people that are understanding about trauma. I joined an organization called paces connection, which is Positive and adverse childhood experiences connection dot com, and it's really a lot of professionals all committed to help heal and prevent. Prevent heal trauma and build resilience, and so just surrounding yourself with people that are on a similar path and that are also committed to sharing what they've learned has been really powerful.

Daniela SM: 9:56

Mary, for what I understand before you read the book, you are taking care of yourself physically and not so much intellectually yeah, and emotionally.

Mary Giuliani : 10:05

So I did a, I did. I did a lot of self care practices, I did a lot of psychological work, I did regular talk therapy, but I was still struggling because I had not healed the visceral sense of discomfort in my body, which is part of what happens when you don't have the kind of healing necessary, because the trauma not only lives in the mind but it lives in the way your nervous system is responding to day to day life, and so if you don't heal that part, you're basically walking around with a nervous system that's on high alert, is hyper sensitive and takes longer to calm down. It's it's not an easy nervous system to live yes, I'm glad you mentioned that.

Daniela SM: 10:52

and then, going back to all these therapies that you did after you read the book, do you think that you needed to do all those, or you just were doing them because Eventually you found the one that perfectly work for you?

Mary Giuliani : 11:06

I have a passion for growing and understanding the way I work, in, the way things help me, and being so passionate about learning about this whole concept of complex post traumatic stress disorder made me want to try different therapies, so they've all given me different. Just like any path, you have to find what Resonates for you, as they've said, though. I mean, which is interesting about psychotherapy is they always say that the relationship that you have with the therapist is a single most Powerful indicator for healing for a person, and so having a therapist that's compassionate, that's understanding, but key it also understands what trauma is and how to use modalities that can help you really heal the root cause.

Daniela SM: 11:53

Okay, how do you know that you are getting better?

Mary Giuliani : 11:55

well, okay. Interestingly, I feel like now I used to really not feel comfortable in social gatherings. I would like have the urge to leave right soon after I got there or start snacking, or, and now I actually take them on as a healing opportunity and I notice my how I'm feeling. I start breathing into my body, I start going into, looking around the room and so now that I'm aware of how my body reacts in certain environments, I I don't feel resistant to it and now I actually enjoy going to them. I give myself a lot more space not to be perfect.

Mary Giuliani : 12:38

Given that I understand what happened to me, I have a lot more compassion for myself. I feel a sense of ease with myself that I hadn't felt before. And then the whole thing about the shame about the addiction history and the obesity history. That's a huge thing. I have no more shame about that because I really get that it wasn't my fault and I'm not a weak or broken person. It's like that's what happens to people when they're put in environments like that.

Mary Giuliani : 13:03

Once I was able to really accept myself and understand what happened to me, I've really been a lot less attached to the good opinion of other people. That's been a huge freedom, also just having a career that I love, being able to share this message. It was like once I really got into learning about this. I'm like. It was like oh my God, these are the signs that I hear about when you're on track for living your purpose. I couldn't wait to learn about it, I couldn't wait to talk about it, I couldn't wait to write about it, and so it really not only helped heal me, but gave me my purpose too, which is what I'm doing.

Daniela SM: 13:38

Oh, that's actually beautiful. I love to hear that. One question about when you said because of what happened to me, I am more compassionate. I have, and I'm struggling with that because, not because of you say it, but for me too. I feel like my childhood had some challenges as well and I know when I was talking to my counselor she was saying oh, you know, you see that little girl and give her hugs and tell her that you're not alone. And the thing that I question is the fact okay, but I'm treating her like a poor her. You know when you're supposed to be strong, so I can do the hugs and the kisses, but I'm thinking am I helping her? Because it seems like I'm treating her like she's missing something.

Mary Giuliani : 14:19

Well, I think when we're raised in an environment or a culture that maybe gives us messages that weakness is not smart or not good or not helpful, it can make us not want to be there for that vulnerable child.

Mary Giuliani : 14:33

So for me, one of the internal family system IFS therapy it was really helpful because it talks about how we need to make friends with the vulnerable child part as well as step into the self with a capital S as the leadership of all these different parts. So you have the vulnerable child, the hurt child, the wounded child, and unless she's heard and seen, she's just going to keep bugging, keep causing problems. But we also have a part that gets things done. That, and so that's one of the things I love about the IFS therapy is, in fact, the guy that started at, richard Schwartz, wrote a book called no Bad Part. So when we try to push those parts away, it's sort of like I wanted to push the part of me away that had the addiction and the obesity part, because I just thought that was weak, that was not something good. I don't want anybody to know about that. So it's about embracing all of our parts and having compassion and yet knowing that you can still be a strong, capable woman in the world.

Daniela SM: 15:34

But how do you know that you had enough? How do you know that you have already healed completely?

Mary Giuliani : 15:39

Well, the thing about trauma just like I think any personal growth path is it's a process. There's signposts to know that you're on the right track, which is you feel more a sense of peace in your day to day life, your relationships I've been in a long term, five year relationship. I have several close friends that I feel safe with. One of the biggest markers for people tragically with unhealed trauma is their difficulty with relationships, because that's the trigger. You know, that's the part of us that gets triggered that you're operating in your life in a way that you're being true to yourself and that you're able to have healthy boundaries and you're able to do self-care. You can look for and I write about all this in my book. It's not about food, drugs or alcohol. It's about healing complex PTSD, all the different ways you know you're on track with your healing, and I also include all the different methods that I've used to heal trauma.

Daniela SM: 16:36

Talking about your book. So after six years, because you read the book that changed you in 2017. Right, so from 2017 to now, six years, you decided to write a book. How long has been the journey since 2017?

Mary Giuliani : 16:51

Well, I was on my healing path for, I'd say, about three years, when I had already started writing a book, actually, but I had put it on the shelf for five years. It was about my healing and recovery journey from addiction and obesity, but I didn't even know I had trauma then. So once COVID hit and I'd done all this healing for trauma, that's when I decided I'm going to finish this book, and so I was able to still use a lot of what I already had, because it's part memoir, part science-based research and part healing guide. And that was the other thing about the healing journey is it's enabled me to finally be an author and share my story, because to me, I think the most powerful thing we can all do is share our stories with the world. That's why I'm even where I am is by hearing other people's stories, and the fact that you're a person that helps people share their story is exactly why I'm here today Just having people like you and authors that are willing to share what works.

Daniela SM: 17:46

Yes, and it's true, we all learn from each other. Yes, so I appreciate that you're sharing your story, because it's not easy. Most people say, go, I don't have a story to share, or they are not open to share it. So how was the process of writing your book? You had it in the shelf for five years until you decided, oh, I have something to add. And how was that? You had a lot of time it was.

Mary Giuliani : 18:07

Yeah, I mean it was. It was challenging, but I had literally I had to take all the skills that I've learned as a life coach and put them to work and I became a full-time writer. Really, I made a commitment to writing 300 words a day, no matter what. I got a lot of support. I was able to hire a writing coach, then a developmental editor. Once I made the commitment to do it, I was able to bring in a team of people to help me, because it's not easy.

Mary Giuliani : 18:33

I mean, the thing about writing a book is there's many exit opportunities to stop, and I announced that I was doing it because I knew that that would make me do it, and so, finally, I claimed a publishing date and got it done and just did a bunch of research. I'm very resourceful and I got a launch team together of people to read the initial author copy so that they could post reviews on Amazon when it launched. And so, yeah, it's been a journey, and yet I'm really grateful because I just know I didn't want to die or be on my deathbed knowing that I hadn't shared this story, because I think it's so important that there's so many people suffering with these same things that I think could be helped by knowing they're not alone and that there is a solution. And that was the thing you know. If I would have known what I know 30 years ago, it would have saved me massive amounts of suffering. That's why I wanted to help others heal sooner so that they didn't have to go through that.

Daniela SM: 19:27

That's beautiful. But people also say that everybody finds their path at the right time. So perhaps you know, we always say, oh, if I knew this at that time, perhaps that time wouldn't have been the right time for you anyway.

Mary Giuliani : 19:39

Well, you know it is what it is and I'm just grateful that I can be a light for others. There is hope. When you get the right support and stay committed to the process, you really can heal and have a life and relationships and work you love.

Daniela SM: 19:51

That's wonderful, mary, and have you gotten feedback from your book? Anybody who has read it and have shared with you that the book have changed their life.

Mary Giuliani : 20:00

Oh yeah, on Amazon I have over 35 reviews of just like oh my god, you shared my story. I can't believe that somebody else went through this and I just love your workbook and it's helping me really take concrete steps to heal, versus just listening or reading something. So, yeah, it's been very transformational for a lot of people that must feel so rewarding.

Daniela SM: 20:21

And what about the relationship with your family? Has that improved or changed in any way for the better.

Mary Giuliani : 20:26

Yeah, unfortunately my mom's past. My dad has Alzheimer's so he's not really able to connect. My sister and I are on a different path. I mean, she's never really been into personal growth. I really more resonate with my partner. I've been in a relationship with my partner, maria, for five years and close friends, so I'm more into my family, if you want to say it like that.

Daniela SM: 20:49

Yeah, that's awesome, awesome. So how can people find you like? The book is in Amazon and we will put it in the show notes.

Mary Giuliani : 20:56

Yeah, the name of the book is. It's not about food, drugs or alcohol. It's about healing complex PTSD. Also, my website is maryjulianinet, that's g-i-u-l-i-a-n-inet. You can find all kinds of stuff on my website you can. There's quizzes, questionnaires, free downloads. I even have a background in being a singer and a songwriter, so I put some of my music up there too. So if you want to check that out, it's all about healing and recovery.

Daniela SM: 21:26

Wonderful, and I noticed your book is very, very sick.

Mary Giuliani : 21:29

Yes, yes, it's four sections there's. The first part is what happened to me. Second part is my discovery of trauma. Third part is the trauma, healing and recovery journey and the fourth part is the healing workbook. So it's got all kinds of worksheets, it's got everything in it. It's really, if you really want to get on track with your healing and find relationships and feel better about yourself and let go of the self destructive behaviors, I highly recommend it. It's sort of like my whole 30 years of healing and recovery. Yes, the cliff notes, the sort of the gems are in here, wonderful.

Daniela SM: 22:04

I want to know more about Mary when you were little. You have a Italian last name. I do tell me a little more about that little Mary.

Mary Giuliani : 22:12

Well, I grew up in a middle class family. I was a pretty happy kid until my mom and dad started having tension in the relationship. That's when I started using food to cope and started gaining weight and getting bullied at school. And then my mom started drinking alcohol. Luckily, and even though we grew up on a really neat, pretty cool neighborhood with kids to play with and families that were somewhat normal, it was still really hard to live in that kind of chronic tension. And then eventually, as my mom's drinking got worse, it was just feel I felt like I was trapped, like she was chronically angry at my dad and drunk and just doing crazy things, and so my eating just continued. And then, as I got bigger, I had more shame about myself, thinking that it was my fault. And then, as soon as I turned 15, 16, and found alcohol and drugs, it was like an elixir sent down from the gods. I mean, even though my mom was, you know, you would think, oh, why would I even touch it? It was such a euphoric high the first time I drank that I just had to get that feeling back. I was a daily drinker for probably about 10 years. I had a really good time for the first couple of years, but then just horrible addiction for the last eight or nine and finally got sober.

Mary Giuliani : 23:24

I think a lot of people have similar stories, with chronic tension between their parents. Unfortunately, it's not recognized as something that can be traumatic for kids. My mom did slap my dad and throw small things at him, but it's not like she pulled knives on him or anything. But still, I mean, if it would have been my dad, it would have been definitely considered spousal abuse. It was definitely emotional violence and some physical violence. These are the types of emotional trauma that is not recognized and then people sort of minimize what they went through. And the other part that I learned is about emotional neglect, which is what should have happened but didn't, which is with my mom, like with her crazy drunken tirades I was never asked how I was doing the next day or by my dad or my mom.

Mary Giuliani : 24:11

You're subjected to all of these terrible things but then there's nobody really there to comfort you or soothe you or help you process it. And that's what really makes trauma trauma. It's unprocessed, overwhelming pain without somebody there to help you work through it. Yes, parents always are used. Well, yeah, I mean. I think there's one thing from time to time, and so to me, it's normal for any person in a relationship whether it's parents or kids and parents to have conflict, to have arguments. It's whether they get resolved in a healthy way or not is what I never got to witness, and so I think, as long as you are modeling the kind of relationship where your kids see that, yeah, mom and dad get upset with each other, but they also are able to work out their differences and come back together, that's the difference.

Daniela SM: 25:03

So it's important to see that communicated. Yeah, that's awesome. And so when did you learn? When did you so you graduated from high school and where did you go?

Mary Giuliani : 25:13

Well, I was still in my drinking party phase so I just got a job working at a hospital as an insurance biller and pretty much stayed in that sort of line of work until I got sober when I was 27. As I got sober and started feeling better about myself, I ended up starting my own business, started pursuing music as well, and so a lot of things opened up for me when I got sober, was surrounding myself with people that were positive and affirming and empowering, so that's what really got me onto my personal growth path. That I mean couldn't really use drugs and alcohol anymore to soothe me, so I had to dig into finding ways to feel better that were more about personal and emotional healing.

Daniela SM: 25:57

Okay, and what was your business? The business that you started.

Mary Giuliani : 26:01

Oh, so the first business I started was a business networking organization for the gay and lesbian community back then because you know I'm gay and this was back in 1992, where I produced monthly dinner networking meetings for people in the gay, lesbian or gay friendly people to come together to network for new clients mostly people like attorneys and real estate people and mortgage brokers and it was really fun. And then I got trained to become a life coach and started promoting my coaching practice in my network and so I started building a big coaching practice.

Daniela SM: 26:36

But I'm sorry, there is a big jump there from. You were drinking and then you decided to have your own business. How do you came up with that idea? Because it sounds really interesting.

Mary Giuliani : 26:45

So after I got sober, I decided to look for jobs that could make a living, and so I found a job at a women's business networking organization. I was surrounded by all these powerful women that were running their own businesses I was actually noticing a lot of lesbian business owners were looking for. They would say, well, do you have any any gay and lesbian networking events? And I would say, well, no, but, and I brought it up to the owner of this company and she said, no, we're really not interested in that. And so that gave me the idea of, well, why don't we start our own special networking group for gay and lesbian business owners? And that's what we did, and so it was kind of serendipity again, you know, just looking at a company that was doing something to bring people together. But then I could do it for my own affinity group, if you will, and then you still have that or no.

Mary Giuliani : 27:38

Actually, I had that for 10 years and unfortunately, after 10 years I was really kind of burning out because it was so much work and I was at the end of a relationship with a woman that I had a house with.

Mary Giuliani : 27:48

She started drinking and then I ended up relapsing with alcohol, and it was a really messy.

Mary Giuliani : 27:55

Two years, finally I got sober again and then decided I really can't afford the stress of being self-employed, and that's when I got into online advertising sales, and I did really well. The reason I got into advertising sales was because I thought, well, what was the one thing in my business that I was really good at and that brought in the highest return on investment, if you will? And I used to sell ads in my membership directory and in a newsletter, and I was really good at it, and so I got a job, first selling yellow page ads, which is way back before the internet and then I moved into online marketing sales. It was so easy compared to running my own business. I could do it in 20 hours a week, make a full time income, and so I did that for many, many years, but I still wasn't completely fulfilled, because I knew I wanted to make a profound, emotional, spiritual, healing difference in people's lives. I was still, you know, hoping to find that. That's been a long journey for me, so here we are, finally doing it.

Daniela SM: 28:50

And then, how do you?

Mary Giuliani : 28:50

became a coach. I'd already become a coach when I started my business network, so I already had gotten my master's certification as a coach. But once I needed to end that company because of my relapse, I put my coaching practice on hold for a while, basically stayed in the online marketing sales roles for many, many years until I learned about trauma. I've been writing my book and working with individual coaching clients and also speaking on the topic and doing these podcast interviews and that sort of thing.

Daniela SM: 29:20

Yeah, well, you have a lot of wonderful skills, like the marketing you can, you know, to market yourself, yeah, and you probably have gone a huge network as you have done. All these events and stuff, yes, yes, amazing. Numerous numerous skills that you have that are incredible. And what happened with your visit? You didn't tell me how do you lost weight. What is it that helped you?

Mary Giuliani : 29:41

Oh. So what happened after my relapse? I gained almost all the weight I had lost. I had lost like 140 pounds in Over Eater's Anonymous like five years, six years before that, and so I ended up like and I had gained and lost hundreds of pounds before, and I actually did a bunch of research on what the most effective ways would be for me to heal this in the long run. It turned out that the weight loss surgery had the best chances. So I had gastric bypass weight loss surgery in 2002 and was able, and so I've been able to keep off 160 pounds for like 20 plus years.

Mary Giuliani : 30:15

And the thing about this surgery a lot of people aren't aware of is about 50% of people that have it will gain about 50% of their weight back by the 10 year mark, and so I believe what makes me different is that I've done a lot of healing work on my food and issues, and now this trauma work too, and so, even though it's better to be 80 pounds overweight than 160 pounds overweight, it's still really dangerous to be that overweight. I share about this, not because I recommend people get surgery, but at the time I didn't even know I had trauma and so it would be another 20 years before I would know, and I was already. And I was back then I was like 42, I was already having back pain and knee pain and all kinds of problems with. I was over 300 pounds. So the weight loss surgery really was like a harm reduction intervention and I'm really grateful I had it, do you see?

Daniela SM: 31:03

there is one Mary and this is a different Mary.

Mary Giuliani : 31:05

Well, walking around as a woman in this culture at 310 pounds, compared to 150 or 60 pounds, is a completely different experience.

Mary Giuliani : 31:14

Internally, emotionally I just felt so shameful about being that heavy but just culturally, there's just a lot of fat phobia in our culture. I felt really limited in terms of my job prospects, my relationship prospects, my friendship prospects. It was really difficult for me and just having to be obsessed about how I was going to lose weight, and it was so draining to just have this chronic conversation about what I'm eating, what I'm not eating, how much I'm weighing, how people are looking at me, how horrified somebody is going to be who hasn't seen me in five years to see I've gained 50 pounds. I mean all of it, and so it's just so nice to not have to have that burden of stress. I feel like I'm at peace with food in my body now. I feel like the surgery and my own personal growth probably what people that don't have food issues feel like. It's really amazing and I never thought I would really overcome this, but here I am.

Daniela SM: 32:11

I don't think there's many people that don't have food issues. I think everybody's always concerned about everything, right One way or another, if you eat something that doesn't make you feel good or if you gain weight. But it is true that it's easy to not have to worry about that too. I think about it as well with my health. I don't want to think about this. If I didn't have to think about this, I could have more room to think about other things. Yeah, exactly, exactly. That's wonderful. So I appreciate that you share all this because, yes, you were talking about trauma and how you heal, but I think that there is a bigger Mary that is obviously in your book, but there is more stories that you still know sharing. Yeah, so thank you Mary. Yes, we will put in the show notes all the information about how to find you and about your book. And again, thank you. I really appreciate you reaching out. It means a lot to me. You're welcome. Yeah, well, you're very welcome.

Mary Giuliani : 33:02

There is a free, complex PTSD quiz on my website too. People want to go to the Mary Giulianinet and yes, thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. Thank you, daniela. Thanks.

Daniela SM: 33:12

I hope you enjoyed today's episode. I am Daniela and you were listening too, because everyone has a story. Please take five seconds right now and think of somebody in your life that may enjoy what you just heard, of, someone that has a story to be shared and preserved. When you think of that person, shoot them a text with the link of this podcast. This will allow the ordinary magic to go further. Join me next time for another story conversation. Thank you for listening. Hasta pronto.