From Worrier to Warrior: A Journey of Transformation - Martin Salama : 127

My guest is Martin Salama. Martin shares a deeply personal story about his journey, which began with a tragic event that shaped his life at a young age - the loss of his brother Michael. This heartbreaking experience sparked Martin's profound desire to bring happiness to others, often at the expense of his own well-being. Despite his best intentions, this compulsion to make others happy took a toll on Martin, leading to personal struggles, the collapse of his business finances, and strained relationships.

Martin is known as the Architect of The Warriors' L.I.F.E. Code. His book is Worrier To Warrior: 7 Steps to Uncover The Warrior Within and Live Incredibly Full Everyday.
He specializes in helping frustrated people quickly shift their mindsets to uncover their greatness so they can live up to their true potential and enjoy life!

Martin's transformation, aided by therapy and coaching, takes center stage as he imparts wisdom from his experiences and those of his life-coaching clients. He illuminates the path from a scarcity mindset to one of abundance, from a posture of anxiety to one of empowerment, to find balance and prioritize one's happiness.

To connect with Martin: https://connectwithmartin.com/

Transcript

Daniela SM: 0:00

Hi, I'm Daniela. Welcome to my podcast, because everyone has a story, the place to give ordinary people, stories, the chance to be shared and preserved. Our stories become the language of connections. Let's enjoy it, connect and relate, because everyone has a story. Welcome. My guest is Martin Salama. Chatting with Martin was super fun. Even though he talks about his troubles, he mostly turned them into a good laugh. Martin is here to open about his life, the moment that inspired him to make sure people around him were happy. But Martin's quest to make others happy took a lot out of him. It caused him to face some personal struggles and even strained his relationships. But despite all that, he became known as the architect of the Warriors Life Code. Now Martin specializes in helping people shift their thinking from scarcity to abundance and from anxiety to empowerment. So join us as we hear Martin's story and learn how to find balance and prioritize happiness. Welcome, martin to the show.

Martin Salama: 1:20

Thank you. Thank you, Daniela, I'm very excited to be here.

Daniela SM: 1:23

Yeah, me too. I'm very looking forward for your story. We met a while ago and it was fascinating, and you have a beautiful smile. For those people that cannot see you but can hear you, it's just contagious. So wonderful, thank you.

Martin Salama: 1:36

Thank you so much. I hope my smile comes through the microphone for those that are listening.

Daniela SM: 1:41

Yes, you will. So, Martin, why do you want to share your story?

Martin Salama: 1:44

I love to share my story because you know what People think, that what goes on, the ups and downs in their lives are only exclusive to them. Yeah, we all have our stories and maybe something that I say in my story will touch a nerve that you go oh my God, he understands where I'm coming from and make you say, okay, what can I do differently? How can I grow from what Martin's saying?

Daniela SM: 2:08

Yes, yes, and that's the purpose of sharing stories Like we always used to do that. That's how people learn. There is something more interesting about listening to a story and getting nuggets from it than actually somebody telling you what to do.

Martin Salama: 2:20

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, I agree. You tell somebody what to do, like okay.

Daniela SM: 2:28

Yes, exactly so, Martin. When does your story start?

Martin Salama: 2:33

I think I'd like to start my story from when I was 10 years old. Uh-huh, believe it or not. So when I was 10 years old, one day I was walking home from school with one of my four older sisters and as we were walking down the block, we noticed that of our house. We noticed that there was a school bus stopped right in front of our house. Okay, the school bus is there. As we got closer we realized this bus driver was standing on the sidewalk in front of our house. That was a little curious.

Martin Salama: 3:01

Then we're about a house away from my own house and my mother comes running out of the house carrying my five-year-old brother Michael in her arms, jumps into the car and drives away. Now we don't know what the heck is going on. We come to find out and remember I'm 10 years old we come to find out that when my brother Michael got off the school bus he's five, he walks in front of the school bus. He dropped something. The bus driver looked at that moment, didn't see Michael, because Michael dropped something and he drove Ouch and he hit my brother Ouch. Unfortunately, four days later he died from the injuries.

Daniela SM: 3:41

Oh no.

Martin Salama: 3:42

That happened. So why am I starting here? Well, for me, I look back now and realize that episode, what happened at that time, molded me and defined me for the next 40 years. How did I do that? So here I am, 10-year-old boy, four older sisters, and I just lost my brother and my parents and my sisters and my family, my community, are distraught by what just happened. This precious five-year-old boy was gone in a snap of a finger and it really affected me. He said this to me, but I said to myself I have to make sure that my parents never feel that kind of pain again.

Martin Salama: 4:23

I took it on myself, on my shoulders, to make sure that my parents would always be happy, so I could look at that moment. And then it manifested itself over the next 40 years to become a people pleaser, because I wanted to make sure that nobody ever felt sadness, nobody ever felt conflict or anything. So I took it on my own shoulders to become a people pleaser, and that moment was a defining moment for me. That's why I tell the story, because it started my journey for the next 40 years of me always trying to please everybody else. And you know what I came to realize after 40 years that I was a people pleaser but I was pleasing nobody. Nobody was happy. I wasn't happy, my parents weren't happy, my wife wasn't happy, my children nobody. Because when you try to please everybody, you end up pleasing nobody.

Daniela SM: 5:14

And why do you think that you had that feeling that you needed to be protecting your parents from feeling unhappy?

Martin Salama: 5:24

Because I'm the only boy now and in my mind it's my job to carry on the name, carry on the legacy, make sure that the salam name continues, that my father and my mother and everything that they've doing and that they've done is Continued. And it's me as the 10 year old boy saying I've got to make sure that they're happy and I've got a measure. I carry on, whatever their messages, whatever they do so there's messages.

Daniela SM: 5:48

So do you think is a cultural thing? Your parents ever say things like these.

Martin Salama: 5:52

They never said anything like that.

Daniela SM: 5:53

No so it was.

Martin Salama: 5:55

It's a cultural thing. I come from a small Jewish community and my parents were both very community minded people. They always were giving back to the community and that's what I did I was. I was the founder of the first synagogue in Eaton Town, new Jersey, and that was Close to 30 years ago that that happened. I was the founder of the first synagogue there and that came out of the fact that, because I'm an Orthodox Jewish, I don't drive to synagogue, and the synagogue I was going to was a little far.

Martin Salama: 6:24

It was 25 to 30 minute walk and it was a long walk and I didn't want to walk like that anymore. And I had other people that were moving into my neighborhood and saying we don't want to Walk there either. Okay, let's start a synagogue that's close by, that's five minutes away. So the leader the community minded leadership that I was, because I was always involved in community events said great, let's do it. And I'm very you know it's in the beginning, it was tough. Every Saturday I'd have to knock on guys doors, we need you, we need 10 men, because that's what happens in the Jewish when you have a services in the synagogue, you need to have at least 10 men so that you can do certain things. Come on, guys. You got to wake up. We got to be there.

Martin Salama: 7:01

30 years later, I'm very proud to say that that synagogue has over 400 families involved. When I started that I was 30. Oh, okay, I was close to 30 years old. My brother passed away in 1973. I just passed 50 years. This was about 20 years later. The night in the early 90s, by now I was married. I lived in New Jersey in a small town that didn't have a synagogue, and I went on the on the adventure to build a synagogue your intuition of thinking okay, I have to take care of my parents.

Daniela SM: 7:31

It comes from your background of being Jewish and a community oriented, so somehow your parents must have put this in yes, yes, yes, absolutely.

Martin Salama: 7:40

It's interesting because about a year into this I turned to my father, who was very quiet, he was very traditional old school, never told you I was proud of you, never really told you his feelings like that. You know, I've been working on this synagogue for a year. We've been using houses for now people's houses every month and now we want to build a building. And they turned to me. He said if you name the building after your brother, I'll give you $50,000 towards the building. In the name it's called charrette filab and a Moshe, which in English is the gates of prayer with the children of Moses. My brother's Hebrew name was Moshe, which is Moses. That was his way of telling me I'm proud of you, you're doing beautiful work, and I needed to hear that that was me. I needed to hear that I was a good person, that I was making them happy, that I had their approval.

Daniela SM: 8:24

Okay, so you were people's pleasers. We were still a 10 year old and you decided I'm gonna take care of my parents, make sure they never they never feel this sad. And so what happened? How did you evolve?

Martin Salama: 8:37

So, as I went through life, if you know, if my parents were saying, okay, we have my father had a business, he closed it. He opened up another business just for me. Why? And this is the business you're gonna go into oh, but I was thinking about going to acting, where I was thinking about becoming a photographer. Yeah, no, you're not gonna do that. You'll do what you tell you. We'll do what you want. Yeah, okay, ma, okay, dad, whatever, yes, yes, okay.

Martin Salama: 8:57

And when I got married, it was like that with my wife. I was always trying to make her happy. That was just. My default tendency was to try to make everybody happy. But you know what happened for me as becoming a people pleaser, and this took me many, many years to recognize that it was connected.

Martin Salama: 9:10

As a People pleaser, you take everything personally. You want recognition. You have to be in control of everything. You're a control freak, because everything people pleaser wants to make sure that you're gonna get me do what you think needs to happen For people to be happy so that you could please them. When it's not happening the way you think it should be happy, you start taking it personally and, as a result, I had a very short temper because if things weren't going the way I thought and I wasn't gonna get the recognition I thought I deserved, that I needed to hear for all the work I was doing, I would react to the point, that would overreact, almost like a nuclear reactor. I would freak out and I'd have to leave, fall out all over place and go back and apologize to everybody later Because that's what I thought. You know, okay, nobody's listening to me, it's all me. So it took me to go through some other challenges in my life to recognize that that's who I was you have met a lot of People similar to you.

Daniela SM: 10:04

Oh, yeah, yeah, a lot of people pleases in the world, uh-huh. But it seems that you actually have learned and have to work on yourself to realize all these.

Martin Salama: 10:14

Yes, not everybody gets to be that. Oh, absolutely no. No, it's not. It wasn't like I woke up one day and said oh my god, this isn't working.

Daniela SM: 10:22

So how was the process, how was your process?

Martin Salama: 10:25

So this was the process for maybe 30 plus years, that this is who I was, 35 years maybe, and now it's 2008. I don't know if you remember what happened in 2008, but we had some crazy stuff go on financially in the world, right? So here we are and and what happened was in 2008 for my wife and I we're working on a project for five years To build a multi-million dollar health club in tennis center in New Jersey, and this came out of I was closing a business and my wife said to me you know you're closing something. I have an idea of something you could do next. I've been playing tennis lately and I could never find a court. They're always booked up. So I'm ending up playing at nine o'clock at night, ten o'clock, and I just to play and get lessons and so on and so forth. Maybe there's an opportunity here and we could open up a tennis center. So here is the people pleaser again. Well, she wants that something. Okay, I gotta tell you, daniela, I am not an athlete, I don't play any sport, and here I am looking at the opening up a tennis center. How ironic is this? But it was for me to take care of. What's it back in the back of my mind. It's me. Okay, she wants this, this might be a good idea. My emotions are getting involved, my lack of self-worth.

Martin Salama: 11:42

So we went on this five-year journey to build what at the beginning was gonna be a tennis center. As we got into it more, oh yeah, it's a good idea to put tennis. But there you know the people that we would talk to the feasibility study and all that would say it's not enough. You're not gonna make a sustainable living just from having tennis. You've got to add things to it, like a health club and so on and so forth. So what went through from a tennis center became a multi-million dollar health club, tennis center, basketball court, pool, spa. Everything imagine was a 15 million dollar project and it took us five years because we had to find the land. We have to do the feasibility study, then we have to get the architects and engineers and once we all got, we have to go To the city and the city says, oh, this is a great plan, but you need to go out and get civil engineer. How is it gonna affect the traffic? How's the parking gonna happen, you know, and all these other things going on. So it's, and every time we go back. Oh, go, do this, figure this out enough.

Martin Salama: 12:39

Now, if we had gotten it in 2006 or 2007 and went to the bank, the bank was handing out money, like you were in Costco and the old ladies on the end of the quarter were giving you samples. Yeah, you could go to the bank and they were giving you money like it was water, like it was a free bottle of water, because the subprime loans and everything was like just lend, lend, lend. During those years, I went back and refinanced my house a couple of times to keep the project going. So now it's 2008. The city says okay, you're ready, let's go. Okay, great, go to the bank. Here I am, I'm ready to get going. You told me when I'm ready, come back. Yeah, we're not lending. Well, what are you talking about? You told me when I'm ready, come back.

Martin Salama: 13:22

Well, things have changed. What are you talking about? Well, the markets started to tighten up a little bit. We don't know little. Did I know, or did they know, what was going to happen a month later? This was August 2008.

Martin Salama: 13:34

In September, the world fell apart, thanks to Bernie Madoff and the subprime loans, and the entire financial world went upside down and it all fell like a house of cards and I was the Joker card on the bottom of the deck of the bottom of the house of cards. Just like that. The three and a half million dollars I put in of my money my investors, my family's lending me money to get it going was gone, just like that. Wow, I was broke and I went into a depression for about a year. Now I could look back and realize it was a situational depression, with the things that were going on.

Martin Salama: 14:09

Yes, I was. I was wiped out. First thing is I stopped paying my bills. A couple of months later my son tells me dad, look outside, they were towing away my BMW because I wasn't making the car payments. I never had that happen to me before I stopped paying my mortgage. Luckily for me, we lived in New Jersey and they were so backed up with so many Foreclosures that they foreclosed on the house. They took them years until they finally took action on the foreclosure, but they foreclosed. We lost, eventually lost the house. That's how bad.

Daniela SM: 14:42

So one question about you. Know you wanted to be to please your wife because you thought you wanted to please her, but it was a good idea too.

Martin Salama: 14:50

It was a good idea. The numbers were there, but it was based on the emotion of what she wanted. We. We hired a, a somebody who's gonna be our General manager, and I was paying him a salary even though I wasn't taking any money in, because he was guiding us and I was and she Said this is the guy. I'm not blaming her. The end of the day, I take my own responsibility. I could have said no at any time.

Daniela SM: 15:13

Yes, yes, yes, but you wouldn't have done it. You think if you would not be, I don't know if I would have done it. I don't know. You seem to be an entrepreneur anyway, so you will have been one business or not.

Martin Salama: 15:23

Yeah, yeah, but I don't know if I would have gone down the path of tennis. All right, you know I Might have done other than before that. I was in some real estate. I was, I was an importer. I would bring. I. I used to, I used to import earrings and ladies accessories from overseas and sell them in stores like Claire's boutique, learners and the limited and you know all those stores, those things. You know I could have done those things. This was a little unconventional going into a tennis center.

Daniela SM: 15:55

Wow, and and. So how was that emotion, you know, for feeling like, okay, now I have lost all these. So usually when there's an issue you fight, flight or freeze, were you paralyzed?

Martin Salama: 16:06

Yeah, yeah, I froze. I froze for about a year, couldn't get myself out of the way. My family had to come in and take care of my finances, whatever was left of it. And about a year later I was going through some therapy and I was having some coaching done as well and I said, okay, it's time for me to get out of this depression, recognize what it is really. It's the situation, as I said earlier and then I got to move forward.

Daniela SM: 16:28

But when was that moment? How is it that you got into that moment?

Martin Salama: 16:32

and it was a moment when I was sitting down and somebody said what are you Gonna do next? I think it might have been a coach or a therapist who said what, what's your next thing? What are you gonna do?

Daniela SM: 16:41

I'm sure in that year people must have asked you that question and maybe push you and I wasn't Ready to answer it. Okay, so you wouldn't know, I don't know, I don't know.

Martin Salama: 16:49

I don't know. You know, I found a job for 500 dollars a week. That was barely paying, you know, and you know stuff like that. Oh, but I knew I wasn't gonna continue to do that. I knew that it was just a stopgap measure. My wife found a job to bring some money into the house as well, but at some point I had to get out of my own way and say what's next?

Martin Salama: 17:09

Mm-hmm, I started thinking about it. I was like, well, I have no money. So it's not like I can just turn around and open up a business, like I was doing all those 30 years, 40 years before. What am I gonna do now? So I looked around and I realized that my skills of being in community events, my entire life, community organizations like building the synagogue I was always a leader. I was always somebody that when people would come in and say, oh, you're building the school, I don't know how it can help. Oh, just do this, do this, I can't do what you're doing. No, no, no, I don't want you to do what I'm doing. Let's see what you can do and let's take advantage of that. Let's utilize your talents. I was coaching them without even realizing that that's what I was doing. So I was like, oh, maybe I want to become a life coach. So I started to look into that and I said I really enjoy this. I liked being coached when I had it and I liked the ability of helping people on their level and Helping them figure out what works for them and find their potential and move forward.

Martin Salama: 18:04

So I started looking around and I found a highly regarded training company. Their headquarters happened to be two miles away from my own house. Okay, I went in there. I met with them. I was like, okay, you know this, how much is gonna be? I said I don't have that, but I do have this much money very little and I do promise I'll pay you every month this much money very little money but I really believe that this is where I should be going in.

Martin Salama: 18:27

So they looked at me. They go okay, we'll make you a deal, we'll take the amount that you say you can do, because I knew I couldn't go out and get a loan. Screw, screwed up all my credit, you know, with everything that happened over the last year, and so and I told them they're straight out they said okay, we'll make a deal, you give us this amount money and you pay us every month and Once you finish paying off and you've gone through the course and you've done everything, then you can get your certification. I was like, okay, that's a fair deal, I can go take the course, I don't get certified until I pay off the debt. Fine, you got it. That's what I did and I started doing that. I went to coach training and all that. Now I made this deal. About two months before my training started was my 24th wedding anniversary and my wife said I'm done, I want a divorce that day. That day nice, there's 364 other days. She picked that one. Yes, we would kick me when I'm down.

Daniela SM: 19:16

Now I could laugh at it. You're smiling today.

Martin Salama: 19:19

We have to laugh but really, this is the day you pick, really kick me when I'm down. I was like God, what the heck Can I catch a break? Why does everything happen to me? And that was where the problem was. But it took me going and saying to myself you know what? I'm still gonna go forward with coaching. I'm still gonna do it. I already started the payments. I already I'm gonna do it. And I think it was God telling me oh, so this is what you want to do. Maybe you need to work on yourself first. And that's where I started to learn All those things that I was a people pleaser, that I would had a short temper, that I was took everything personally, that I was a control freak. And it was as if they told me Okay, so you can change who you were to become who you really want to be. That's kind of what they said to me that first weekend this happens.

Daniela SM: 20:09

Oh well, you were taking the course for being a coach.

Martin Salama: 20:12

So now I just thought my wife asked for the divorce before I started the coaching and I said, okay, I'm gonna go through it anyway, I'm gonna do it anyway when I went that first weekend, that started the difference. That was the beginning of the journey. And I have to look back now, daniela, and say the best gift that she ever gave me other than my four children was that anniversary gift of saying I wanted divorce.

Daniela SM: 20:38

Wow, and so okay. So you were down, you started to take the courses, but you didn't have any idea that you were going to actually go through all these learning and growth for yourself.

Martin Salama: 20:48

No, but I was. I've always been an open-minded. I feel like I've always been coachable, willing to do the work. I change if I felt like I needed to change.

Daniela SM: 20:57

So you think that's needed it helps, helps.

Martin Salama: 21:00

If you don't admit what's going on, how are you gonna fix what's broken? If you don't admit that it's broken, then you're never gonna fix it. I and as a matter of fact, it's part of my course the first thing I talk to them about is admission Admit what's not working and be willing to change it. Then the next part is cleanse, start doing the work to change and, as it's changing, celebrate the little victories along the way.

Daniela SM: 21:29

So we know the relationship with your wife ended. How was the relationship with your children?

Martin Salama: 21:34

It was very strained for a long time. It really was a strained relationship. We had this big house and then we losing the house. Things were tough, we didn't have money anymore and I'm moving out and my wife is saying things to the children and I'm trying to not add to it and I'm not saying my wife poisoned me, but they're only hearing what they hear and I'm saying I can't defend myself. I just it's not, it's not gonna come over.

Martin Salama: 21:57

Good Cause I know who I am, cause I was the guy they remember me being, the tough guy, the control freak, the guy who lost his temper. It wouldn't serve me well, but I just started to change and it took a while. I wish it was overnight, but it wasn't. It took a while that things would start to change for me and that eventually my children started to see the change. As a matter of fact, I had something interesting happen about two months ago.

Martin Salama: 22:21

Someone in my community, in my old community where I lived in New Jersey man my age I'm a couple of years older than me passed away. Unfortunately, because I was living in New York and in the Jewish community. The funerals happened within 24 hours and I couldn't make it to the funeral. But my son went to the funeral because his son and him were friends. They went to school together and he calls me after the funeral. He says, dad, I went to the funeral and I saw Eddie and I was so sad for him cause he lost his father.

Martin Salama: 22:48

And then I turned and I saw Morris, who 10, 12 years ago lost his father. He says, dad, I'm so sorry for all those bad times we had back then. And I said to him Caesar, the last two, three years things have gotten much better. Let's focus on that and let's just move forward from there. I'm here for you and our relationship has been growing since then even more. That's beautiful, but what happened to me was I needed to change and become a new person, and it couldn't be me saying everybody, look at me, I'm going to change, no. And I couldn't tell people, look, I'm changing, don't you see me changing? Nobody cares about what you say. They care about how you do things, how you show up, and that's what I did. I started to change and I never said guys, check me out.

Daniela SM: 23:31

And what about your siblings? Have you changed with them as well?

Martin Salama: 23:34

I'd like to say for the most part, don't forget, I'm their little brother. Oh, then it's your brother, and in their mind I'm still that 10, 15 year old little brother that you know.

Daniela SM: 23:43

That doesn't do any harm.

Martin Salama: 23:44

Then their mind is like he's just a kid, he's never going to grow up. I'm 60 now.

Daniela SM: 23:51

I see it. That's wonderful. How long was the process Took?

Martin Salama: 23:54

me about, I'd like to say about a year.

Daniela SM: 23:57

Only a year, after 30 years of doing the impossible.

Martin Salama: 24:00

I was committed. I had a good why. My why was is that I wanted to be a better me for me, not for my wife, not for my children, not for anybody else and I wanted to become the person I knew I could become.

Daniela SM: 24:15

Why did you know that you?

Martin Salama: 24:17

wanted to change, because once I started the coaching and recognized those things that were not serving me, that I did have a short temper, that I did take things, because I have to tell you one book in particular really made a difference for me. Right before I started the coaching training, somebody record they sent me a list of books to read and one of the books they told me was to read the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Luiz. And you have a huge smile on your face, daniela.

Daniela SM: 24:42

Yes, because we have had a few people that stayed with us, young students that are family members somehow, and it's always a book that I completely recommend. And my first rule to be impeccable with your word Since I read that book because I didn't use that word to be impeccable with your word. That is so important to me that people are impeccable with their word 100%.

Martin Salama: 25:07

Well, you know what happens with being impeccable with your word. It's not only what you speak, it's also what you think. So if you start with being impeccable with your words as you speak them, it will become internally better for you as you start to use these words you're saying them, you start to think them and believe them, which then can lead to what I believe is my most important one don't take anything personally. But if you lay the groundwork with being impeccable with your words, it also brings in gratitude, Because if being impeccable also means recognizing the people around you and saying positive things to them, being impeccable with them or about that, Now you're building within your own mindset, culture, the right attitude.

Martin Salama: 25:57

So now you can go to the next agreement don't take anything personally and say, oh, I'm starting to get it because it's connected to being impeccable with your word. And then, when you get to the third one, don't make any assumptions. It's because you've already started to take in and incorporate one and two being impeccable with your words. Don't take anything personally. And now, okay, can't make any assumptions, because if I do, I'm going to take it personally and if I do, I'm not being impeccable with my words, and they all interplay to number four. Always do your best.

Daniela SM: 26:34

Yes, I like your explanation and I like your interpretation of impeccable with the word I think I had an arrow view of what really was focusing, but you expanded it's no question, you have to say what you do and do what you say.

Martin Salama: 26:49

But it's so much more than that. It's so much more. It's how you show up and by being impeccable with your words and being positive and intentional, you're setting out to the universe, to God, to the people around you that this is who I am, and either jump on with me or find another boat to ride.

Daniela SM: 27:09

You know you are religious. Was it any contradictions? Or you saw that all these self-books were actually very similar to your Bible in a way?

Martin Salama: 27:18

100%. The more I got into it, the more the spirituality of me came through. That much more, Because I started to appreciate the Torah and the writings and God. You know people used to say surrender to God. To me, I think of the word surrender. I live in New York. I mean, stick them up. You know surrender you go to jail. But really what surrender to God is give it up to God, Ask God for your help. You can't do it alone, so ask God for guidance and be ready to look for it. And that's exactly what we're talking about here with coaching and with inner work, is that you've got to be willing to release those things that are holding you back and say I got to change Because what I was doing isn't working. And it's not about money, it's about living a happy life and having the people around you enjoy being with you.

Daniela SM: 28:13

Yes, that's beautiful. So what was the most difficult part for you to?

Martin Salama: 28:16

change. The most difficult part was stop being a people pleaser. How do you manage that? How do you manage to change? Once I understood that this is who I was, I knew I couldn't go from A to B to C, to D to F to G, all the way to Z, overnight. It had to be a progression A to B, b to C. I couldn't go A to Z. So how did I do that?

Martin Salama: 28:38

I started by saying I'm gonna do what's right for me as long as I'm not hurting somebody in the process. Because I could do things and like I could go rob a bank, but that's not be right for me because I need money in my pocket but I'd be hurting somebody. Yes, as long as it's not something bad for somebody else. And I started to build on. That Started with me understanding that how I showed up and how I responded played a big part in it and I needed to stop reacting to everything Like I said I was a nuclear reactor and start learning how to respond. And that had to do with me understanding that I control my emotions instead of my emotions controlling me.

Daniela SM: 29:22

Uh-huh. And what about? Those moments really trigger you to be a reactor?

Martin Salama: 29:28

Yeah, oh yeah. In the beginning I'd like to say I was like that boom, boom, but it wasn't. I would trigger, and I'll give you a perfect example. So here I was, I was getting divorced and my wife would call me up and say I don't wanna fight. But now she probably said this our entire marriage and I never realized it, I was never aware of it.

Martin Salama: 29:47

And now I started to become aware of it when she said to me I don't wanna fight, but in my head I used to say, okay, in my head we were ready to fight. She was setting me up for a fight. So she'd say what it is? My emotions were already heightened because she set me up and I'm not saying she did this consciously, this was me. She pushed a button inside me consciously, subconsciously, whatever it was. It was enough for me to start to get upset.

Martin Salama: 30:18

She'd say, and I would start getting upset and fighting with her. And then she would say but I just told you I didn't wanna fight. So what did I do? Now that I understood it? Because I was going to coaching I said okay, I gotta change this. The problem was is I went from one extreme to the other. She'd say I don't wanna fight but and I'd say okay and I'd hang up on her. She's calling me back. She goes what the hell did you just do? I said, well, you said you didn't wanna fight, so I hung up, and then I had to learn how to change that and condition the two of us like almost like Pavlov's dogs, conditioning not to say I don't wanna fight, right, so I had to subconsciously to stop saying I don't wanna fight, but she has to stop saying that too, right?

Daniela SM: 31:08

I mean, it's not really a proper sentence.

Martin Salama: 31:10

I would say, okay, don't use those words because that is triggering to me. And then she would say it anyway. I'm like but you just triggered me, you did it again. Okay, exactly, it's 12, 13 years ago, but it was a process. Now we don't fight anymore, we're both. Thank God. She got married again and I got married again to different people.

Daniela SM: 31:34

I mean, it's true that we tend to do these words that are so wrong, Like if we will say please don't get upset, but You're setting them up for failure.

Martin Salama: 31:44

That's not being impeccable with your words.

Daniela SM: 31:46

That's the point of us not being taught how to communicate properly.

Martin Salama: 31:50

Exactly. It was a process and I gotta tell you it doesn't happen overnight, because if it does, it's not sustainable. It's a practice. You've gotta change the muscle memory in your brain.

Daniela SM: 32:02

And so what was the easiest part?

Martin Salama: 32:05

The easiest part that's an interesting question was accepting that I needed to change. I've always been willing to change. I've always opened the therapy, I've always opened the coaching, accepting that I needed to change and then doing the work. So, okay, I need to change. Great, I accept that. Now what do I have to do to do that?

Daniela SM: 32:24

It's not very common or generation to be so open about let's go to coaching, or so how do you overcome that?

Martin Salama: 32:34

No, it's not, it's not. Well, I've always been a very emotional person. I've always been a very sensitive person. I tell a story.

Martin Salama: 32:41

When I was a kid I was picked on a lot. I was teased a lot. Now we look at the word I was bullied. I literally was bullied when I was in school, when I was in, when I was seventh grade, eighth grade, all those grades I was being bullied to the point that when you graduate from high school, from elementary school, and they make up a yearbook and in it they put this thing called the last will and testament right and they write different things.

Martin Salama: 33:07

That, you know, is a joke that pertains to each person that they're doing that for. It's a funny little thing For me, when I graduated from eighth grade, they put in a box of Kleenex tissues because I cried all the time. So they were making fun of me even there in the school. That had happened, you know, because that was the generation, this was the 70s and the 80s. You had to be macho, you gotta be tough, you gotta knock out the other guy and you gotta never ask for help. I always had problems with that because I was always somebody who let my emotions show.

Daniela SM: 33:43

Not that I know much about your culture. I didn't think that people needed to be that strong. It was also way more intellectual than actually physical.

Martin Salama: 33:52

There is a certain amount. But look, men are men. They just don't think that they need to know that they know best. They think they know everything and nobody's gonna tell them the right way, because I know what's right. You know which. I had a lot of part of me as well, as well as being sensitive, you know I was all. I'm the right guy, I know what I'm talking about, so it's. I think it's more men than women. Women are open to sharing their emotions, sharing their vulnerabilities. Men don't know how.

Daniela SM: 34:21

You've been sensitive. Have you learned to appreciate it? That actually is very valuable. Yes, because you know I'm sensitive too and I didn't cry all the time maybe I always thought that it was a weakness to be sensitive, and it's just now that I'm actually accepting that it's actually a superhero strength.

Martin Salama: 34:42

It's a strength. It's really a strength. I look at vulnerabilities, people showing their vulnerabilities. That doesn't mean dump on the world. What was me? Everybody take care of me. No, it's. This is what's going on. Can I get some help? And remember earlier I said when I got the divorce, when my wife asked for the divorce, I said why is everything happened to me? That's victim mentality, that's looking for blame everybody else. Now I feel like things happened through me. Instead of things happening to me, they're happening through me Because I'm taking responsibility for what's going on.

Daniela SM: 35:17

And you can have those moments of feeling that a victim for a second, and then you move on 100%.

Martin Salama: 35:22

Yeah, absolutely yeah. Yeah, it's also when you're in those moments you gotta recognize what role is it playing on my emotions, on my mindset, on everything, and what am I gonna do about it? And there's different ways to handle it. You can freak out and react and just knock down everybody around you. Or you can go out there and say hey, listen, can we talk about this a little bit and figure out what's going on here. Maybe it's go to coach, maybe it's go to a therapist, maybe it's find somebody that you can confide in and say, hey, help me through this.

Daniela SM: 35:56

Yes, so I think we are very lucky to live now in these times where coaching and counselors and all these are available and that we can all work on our own and ourself. Because, no matter what, there's always something that you can work on, or at least you can talk to someone, because with your culture, too, they used to be a community. You used to go to the rabbi, and maybe people don't do it as often as they used to do before, and so that's missing.

Martin Salama: 36:25

We are missing that community, yeah they do, they do, but the problem is that the rabbis have to become more sensitive to understanding the worldly issues that are going on, and they have been. Many of them have. Some of them are like oh, when we were getting divorced, the rabbis are like no, stay together. You know, that's the way the Jewish world works. We don't get divorced unless you have to. The rabbis have become more sensitive and understanding that there's a lot more to it than just okay, stay together and work it out. Sometimes it's just not working out. You can't work it out. Each one of us needed something different.

Daniela SM: 36:56

And how was your community with your changes? Were you feeling rejected at times? Or because you seemed to be like you were a leader, so people really like you?

Martin Salama: 37:05

maybe they didn't see the yeah for the most part, I was very accepted and things went okay, thank God, you know, come to the point where divorce is not shunned upon, it's like okay, it happens. As soon as I was divorced I had a woman from my community reached out to me. She said now that you're divorced, are you ready to start dating? Kelly, I know you my whole life. You're married. She goes no, no, no, I'm your matchmaker. Oh, my matchmaker. What are you talking about? What am I in Fiddler on the Roof? No, we have a group of women here who and there might be some men in there too, but I know mostly women who, when there are single people out there, they help them find another match if that's what they want.

Martin Salama: 37:49

Oh, good job and through the matchmaker I met my new wife. I've been married for five and a half years.

Daniela SM: 37:55

But you waited a little bit while you were working on yourself.

Martin Salama: 37:59

It took me a while. Yeah, yeah, it took me a while. It was about, of course, the divorce took about a little over a year and a half. So by now I was gone through the coaching at the same time and I said I don't know if I'm ready to date. So we got onto a call and she's like, oh my God, I never met a man so well put together after a divorce like you. I'm like, well, I guess it's all the coaching I've been doing. She goes. Well, you should coach other people like that. So that's why it was originally a divorce recovery coach.

Daniela SM: 38:28

I see, okay. So then you took the course and you were dating, and so what happened? So were you working in other jobs at the meantime?

Martin Salama: 38:37

I was working other jobs. I was working really I'd like to call them dead-end jobs because I go in there with the option of trying to do more for them and they're like no, just do what you're doing. Okay, I have coaching on one side and I have another business where I help people bring in merchandise from overseas. I'm a freight forwarder, so it's another income. Today, people have to have multiple streams of income.

Daniela SM: 38:55

Yes, and so you still work in the community, and so became a coach, and now you're a coach. And what else have you been doing?

Martin Salama: 39:02

Coaching coaches to create seven figure incomes guaranteed Within two years. I can guarantee them. If they follow the path, I can get them to a seven figure income.

Daniela SM: 39:12

Good, good good.

Martin Salama: 39:13

Recently I came out with my book.

Daniela SM: 39:15

Aha, okay, let's talk about your book.

Martin Salama: 39:18

It's called Warrior to Warrior. Okay, Going from somebody now if you're in Brooklyn, you understand what I said, but the rest of the world, they sound, the words sound the same. Somebody who worries does somebody who's a warrior.

Daniela SM: 39:30

Yes.

Martin Salama: 39:31

Right, I went from somebody who worries to a warrior. So, warrior to Warrior, and I also came up with a card deck, which is the book in small spots that people can pull out a card when they need to and help them get through something.

Daniela SM: 39:45

Awesome. Yeah, I saw you playing with that and I was going to ask, so that's pretty good.

Martin Salama: 39:49

I always have my ADD comes in. I'm always holding things in my hands. You're funny, my ADHD, actually. But yeah, pick one card and let me know what it says. Give me a number between one and 30. 27., 27. The abundant warrior within you. Seven secrets to an abundant mindset. Okay, I take the word warrior and I break it down to an acronym W wisdom, seek wisdom, always look to be learning. Right, you can never learn enough. A it's part of what I call the cycle of A's Ask, act and attitude. Ask the universe, ask God for what you want, be proactive in getting what you want. That's the act. And then have an attitude of don't have a strong desire that gives off thoughts of lack. Believe that whatever's going to happen is going to happen. R realization Be content. Say I have everything. R recognize, be grateful for everything you have. I imagination Think big. Right, you never know what could come of it. Oh, be optimist. Be an optimism, find positive in everything. And R resilience Be flexible and have an open mind.

Daniela SM: 41:05

Wow, perfect. Thank you for that gift. That 27 was awesome.

Martin Salama: 41:10

I hope it helped.

Daniela SM: 41:11

Yeah, yes, thank you. You picked the card. How long did it take you to write a book?

Martin Salama: 41:17

About two and a half years.

Daniela SM: 41:18

And so it is your story.

Martin Salama: 41:20

It's mostly my story, story of my clients. What I do in the book is by showing my story, like some of the stories we've gone over, and then showing the techniques, the practical things that people can do to change their mindset from lack to abundance, from self-conscious to self-aware, from warrior to warrior.

Daniela SM: 41:43

Warrior. That's great Awesome. I love it. Thank you so much, thank you so much. It was amazing, marty, what a gift Thank you.

Martin Salama: 41:51

So if anybody wants to get those things, they can go to connectwithmartincom. You can get the card, you can get the book. You can also click to make an appointment with me. And I have some free gifts there as well, Like, for example, the abundant warrior mindset that we just went through. Those seven things I have on there, a coloring book for kids and then also a coloring book for adults on the Seven Secrets to an Abundant Mindset Wonderful.

Daniela SM: 42:22

Thank you so much, marty. Thank you, daniela. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. I am Daniela and you were listening to, because everyone has a story. Please take five seconds right now and think of somebody in your life that may enjoy what you just did, what you just heard, of someone that has a story to be shared and preserved. When you think of that person, shoot them a text with the link of this podcast. This would allow the ordinary magic to go further. Join me next time for another story conversation. Thank you for listening. Hasta pronto.