​BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS A STORY "BEHAS"

From Rock Bottom to Redemption - A Journey of Recovery in "Twilight in York'" : Ryan Gray : 155

Season 15 Episode 155

Ryan's powerful story of addiction and recovery showcases the complex interplay between mental health and substance abuse. Through his journey, he sheds light on the importance of hitting rock bottom as a catalyst for change and the critical role of family support in the path to healing.

Ryan Gray graduated from the University of North Carolina Asheville (UNCA) in 2016 with a degree in literature. He is now a peer support specialist in behavioural health and has been self-supporting for 15 years despite facing severe schizophrenia, depression, ADHD, and anxiety. He credits his recovery to the support of his family and various professionals, including nurses, counsellors, and fellow AA members.

• The beginning of addiction rooted in college experiences
• Psychological struggles following substance use
• The devastating impact of homelessness during addiction
• Rock bottom as a turning point for seeking help
• The importance of family support in recovery efforts
• Multiple attempts at rehab and the journey to sobriety
• The expository power of writing and storytelling in recovery
• A message of hope for those struggling with addiction
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Thank you for listening - Hasta Pronto!

DanielaSM:

Hi, I'm Daniela. Welcome to my podcast, because Everyone has a Story, the place to give ordinary people's stories the chance to be shared and preserved. Our stories become the language of connections. Let's enjoy it, connect and relate, because everyone has a story. Welcome.

DanielaSM:

My guest is Ryan Gray. Ryan is a literature graduate and peer support specialist. He shares his inspiring journey through addiction, recovery and resilience, From battling homelessness and mental health struggles to finding hope and healing. His story shows the power of hitting rock bottom and the importance of family support. I feel incredibly grateful for the opportunities this podcast brings to meet people who courageously open up about their personal struggles and triumphs. Conversations not only enrich us with insights into the challenges others face, but also encourage us to be more compassionate and less judgmental about situations we may not fully understand. Ignorance and lack of curiosity affects the world deeply. Before meeting Ryan, I knew very little about his world. I still don't know very much, but I am now more aware of how others suffer and I have become a little more compassionate because of it. I hope you enjoyed his story. So welcome, ryan to the show. Hello, how are you? I'm good, thank you, and thank you for being here. I know you have a story to share and I would like to know why you want to share your story.

Ryan Gray:

Well, there are two reasons. One, I wrote a book last November. It's a memoir, and I'm trying to promote the book. But, more importantly, I want to talk about addiction and drug addiction. I've come a long way, a very long way, through mental health and through having an addiction, and I just want to be able to reach out to people. Hopefully, people will see my success story and be inspired to reach out themselves for help.

DanielaSM:

All right, wonderful. That's good and it's true. Sharing stories is how people get to learn other things right From others as well. So, ryan, when does your story start?

Ryan Gray:

I would probably say when I was in college I started drinking drinking not, you know, not drinking all the time, but my sophomore year of college I started smoking weed. That would be where it really started the marijuana. It was sort of a catalyst for mental health problems too. I developed schizophrenia After I started smoking weed. I had a psychotic break and I was pulled out of school for a couple of weeks.

DanielaSM:

Wow, and how was the psychotic experience I?

Ryan Gray:

thought I was possessed.

DanielaSM:

Wow, did you hurt yourself?

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, yeah, I had a cracked rib.

DanielaSM:

Were you alone.

Ryan Gray:

I wasn't alone, I was family downstairs. I didn't seem normal, and so my parents tried to have me go back to bed. I kind of laid in bed for a while and then at that point, when they figured out what happened, I was put in a mental ward for a week or two, pulled out of school. When I went back to school and I kept smoking weed. My behaviors didn't change.

DanielaSM:

It didn't face you the fact that you were there. Right right and why do you think that happened?

Ryan Gray:

Jumping ahead a little bit. One of the biggest things about addiction is that it's tragic, but most addicts have to hit bottom to have any change happen. So I wasn't ready at that point to admit to myself that I had a problem. I thought I wanted to go back to school and I wanted to kind of resume where I left off there, kind of doing the same behavior, same things.

DanielaSM:

How were your classmates behaving with you after they knew what happened?

Ryan Gray:

I don't think I told anybody about the psychotic incident. My friends were curious. You know where I went? I might have said I was, you know, sick, couldn't go to class, something like that.

DanielaSM:

And not jumping ahead. But I want to ask you you know they do say that if you take marijuana before your brain is developed at age 24, that it could happen. Some people will have psychotic episodes. But do you think that there is a way that young people could listen to the story and say, yes, I'm not going to do it. I think it's impossible, right? Everybody wants to have their own experience.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, that's kind of what I was saying about hitting bottom. Unfortunately, it makes the decision of getting clean or getting sober, makes it much simpler when we're faced with bottom. My bottom moment was basically I was living in somebody's basement on a you know air mattress and you know I was homeless basically, and all my friends, they were being evicted. So I was, you know, hitting bottom. I was faced with well, I can, you know, I can either go get help, I can either go to rehab, or I can be just completely homeless with nowhere to go. So when we hit bottom, it makes it much simpler, much easier to do, to ask for help and do the right thing.

DanielaSM:

You said your friends were evicted.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, I had some friends that let me stay with them, one in their basement, the other one on their couch and those friends also dealt with substance abuse.

DanielaSM:

And when you say you hit bottom, what is it the feeling? How is it that you described that? How can you know that you were there?

Ryan Gray:

Just the idea, that, feeling that it really couldn't get any worse, despite all the struggle and all the suffering of addiction. I wouldn't just admit, I needed to admit, admit powerlessness and unmanageability. Yeah, it's just like the feeling that it's this destitute, feeling like things can't get any worse. I guess is the best way I would describe it.

DanielaSM:

Do you think that any of your friends had the same situation where they felt that they hit a button, or were you the only one from all the friends that were doing drugs? I think I was the only one.

Ryan Gray:

Most of my friends actually passed away from overdose. They were heroin addicts. I wasn't a heroin addict but they were. And it really is interesting that you brought that up because you know I had my closest friend at the time when I was on the street. We pretty much went our separate ways. We kind of veered. I veered one way and he veered the other way and you know he ended up losing custody of his kids. I don't know how that panned out because I haven't talked to him since then.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, there's sort of a choice, and I think I was out of my friends. I think I was the only person who chose recovery.

DanielaSM:

Out of your friends. You also were the only one who had psychotic episodes.

Ryan Gray:

Yes, yeah, I was the only one.

DanielaSM:

How is having schizophrenia and doing drugs? It's different from not having it, but can you explain?

Ryan Gray:

that, yeah, one affects the other, my substance abuse, which might have been partly from the mental health side, that wanting to kind of not feel this numbness, you know, want to feel more of a high feeling than a numb feeling from the mental health. But there's a term, dual diagnosis, which is somebody who suffers with both mental health and substance abuse. I was on a downward spiral when I was on the street and this is all by the way in my book my book is it's a memoir called Twilight in York. My downward spiral was much more rapid. I mean, everybody's different but in my case my mental health really exasperated, or I would say the drug use exasperated my mental health really exasperated, or the drug, I would say the drug use exasperated my mental health and vice versa, and I just had no stability. I just, I just I lost complete control of my life in a very short time. Probably, you know you take your average addict and compare them to me. I just, I spiraled down downward very quickly.

DanielaSM:

You left your parents. Your parents didn't know what was happening to you.

Ryan Gray:

They were very supportive. They had cut me off. I wasn't allowed at home so I was cut off in that sense. So there was a lot of distance. You know, my mom would come and visit me every week or two, driving up from Baltimore to York, pennsylvania, which was an hour and a half drive. They were, yeah, they were supportive. They helped me find halfway houses, they made sure I found treatment later on. So they were there. But you know, in a sense there was a lot of distance because I wasn't allowed back home and I wasn't in a good state of mind to be close with anybody. My relationship with my family that's something that I got back Blessings. One of the miracles of recovery is that I have gotten my family back.

DanielaSM:

Yes, I heard that from other guests that what helped them was the parents being supportive. Oh yeah, which is not easy, right? It's hard on the parents to see their child going through these and not understanding it. It is whatever is in your head is very complicated for everyone to understand.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, no, I put them through the wringer, I put them through the ringer, I put them through an awful lot.

DanielaSM:

And Ryan tell me something.

Ryan Gray:

When we're going in the streets and we see people doing drugs, like other people are passing by that are not drug addicts, do you see us in a different way, just people that have their stuff together and I don't know, maybe privileged or almost wishing that some of those people would notice us? And like I remember I had an experience. It was nighttime and I was with my friends and kind of we passed a fancy restaurant. I looked through the glass of the restaurant, you know like I could see them, they couldn't see us. The restaurant, you know like I could see them, they couldn't see us. I sort of just saw the people drinking, you know, expensive, expensive wine and stuff and cold. I was hungry, didn't really have my own place to live. I just sort of a almost like an envy, like envious, like one bottle of wine probably could have fed my friends and I for a couple of days.

DanielaSM:

Now, when you walk on the street, do you do things differently?

Ryan Gray:

I think when I see an addict on the street I think I have a better understanding. Before I was on the street I probably looked at, you know, homeless people and addicts like asking for change. It used to be kind of arrogant, like I think a lot of people have this arrogance that if that person wanted to get better, they could just fit you know a hundred hundred dollars or something and they'd get a hotel and clean up and get a job and do all this stuff. That's easy for us, but when you're on the street it's hard to piece things together like dates and times, and it's harder to make things happen. For example, riding the bus. I have to get on the right bus at the right time. I have to have a dollar in my pocket. I have to ask for the transfer ticket. I've got to ride the bus, get off at the right stop, find the next bus, transfer onto that bus, get off where I need to be Things we take for granted. When you're on the street it's a little bit more confusing.

DanielaSM:

So when you see addicts on the street, do you do anything?

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, sometimes I'll give them a few dollars or $5. I'm not the richest person right now.

DanielaSM:

But is money what you need to share? Or do you sit with them and tell them your story, or you walk away, you avoid them.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, that's a good point Talk to them and give them my story. I probably wouldn't normally do that.

DanielaSM:

But since you've been in both sides, do you think that they will be receptive to somebody telling them a story or asking them questions?

Ryan Gray:

It seems like not everybody wants to get recovery, according to what you said, yeah, or even help them to have a drug problem and even help them find a rehab.

DanielaSM:

But not everybody wants to be helped. It's true, coming back to you, you were on the streets and then you decided that you wanted to get help. So how was that? What did you do to get help?

Ryan Gray:

So my mom and my brother, they drove up on my birthday my birth date birthday is December 26th and my sobriety birthday is December 26th so they came up from Baltimore, took me out to eat for my birthday. We were talking about going to rehab and the situation I was in that I described earlier about my friends being evicted and I had nowhere else to go it didn't seem like too much to just go to rehab and just try that way of life, not even accepting it all at once. I'm real big about that. I'm big about not trying to make, you know, dramatic overnight changes, but gradual changes that transpire and take place over time. So I had, you know, I had the willingness to say, okay, let's go to rehab, I'll do, I'll, I'll, I'll just, I'll just try this. I'm not, like I said, not committed to anything right away, but you know I had nowhere else to go, so it's kind of a easy, easy choice.

DanielaSM:

Okay, that's great. That's great, and it was your first time going to rehab.

Ryan Gray:

No, I've been to rehab three times. Okay, the first time I left early, I didn't want to be there. I left out for a week. The second time I left, I left the rehab grounds to get drugs and then came back onto the grounds and I was caught. They kicked me out. And then the third time, I was only there for two weeks. I didn't want to stay, pretty much just bailed, and that was how I ended up going to York. I was going to ask you if it would be okay to read two paragraphs from my book.

DanielaSM:

Okay, that's great.

Ryan Gray:

This is chapter, the end of chapter one. When I went to bed, I lay there feeling alive. The sounds on the street carried in through the open windows, though it had died, down into the late hours of the night, silent but for an occasional car driving past, a drinker yelling down the street corridors, shrill voices lamenting, undulating, penetrating through every open window for blocks, coloring dreams. As the city slept Outside, the world was alight in an eerie, bright orange glow from the street lamps. The old, dirtied windows blurred and refracted the light, accentuating, accentuated it, making the whole world orange. A breeze came in through the open windows and it felt cool and good. The sounds of locusts were serene and in harmony. The balmy air had cleansed that funky indoor stuff in his smell, created by the three of us in a tight space, and cleared away the musty smell sealed in the old house and as the air filled the room.

Ryan Gray:

I fell asleep on a soft cloud of tranquility.

DanielaSM:

You wrote all that Mm-hmm. Wow, that's beautiful. How did you develop to such a beautiful writing style?

Ryan Gray:

I think it's practice Also. That's what I studied and that's from my book, the book I was talking about. I also studied it in college. I went back to school. One of my successes in my success story was I went back to school. It was one of the one of my successes in my success story was I went back to school and got my bachelor's in literature, creative writing.

DanielaSM:

So how long were you in rehab the last time?

Ryan Gray:

The last time I was there, 28 days, 28 days was the standard, I think. I think nowadays it's supposed to be 90 days. Okay, 28 days and in 28 days you got clean.

DanielaSM:

Okay, 28 days, and in 28 days you got clean.

Ryan Gray:

I've been clean since 2007. So I have 16 years clean and sober.

DanielaSM:

Wonderful Congratulations, and, ryan, why this time work?

Ryan Gray:

Kind of reiterating. The choice being easier, I had to hit bottom. Like a lot of other addicts and alcoholics, I had to hit bottom for any kind of change to be made.

DanielaSM:

Okay, and so then you finished 28 days. And what happened? Where did you go?

Ryan Gray:

From there I went to a dual diagnosis facility for two and a half months. It's kind of like a award, but it's for dual diagnosis patients. So everybody there was struggling with a combination of mental health problems and addiction problems. But I actually recovered from addiction pretty quickly Rehab and a dual diagnosis facility. I was pretty much recovered. But it did take about two years of treatment for mental health inpatient. It was a long time and then from there I was put in a group home for another four and a half years.

DanielaSM:

And yes, because we're talking about the addiction, but the psychosis, that's a difficult one too.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, those several years were all to treat the. I mean they accommodated me, they gave me rides to 12-step groups and stuff like that, but for the most part those you know that two years and then four and a half years, that was all to address the mental health side of things, the best I can describe it. You know, you take somebody who doesn't have mental health problems, have them use drugs and they're on a downward spiral and then you take me with who has mental health problems, on a similar downward spiral but much worse and much faster, much, much more more quickly.

DanielaSM:

Usually people go to rehab and then they go to where you want, or people just go to rehab.

Ryan Gray:

I would say, just rehab Okay.

DanielaSM:

And so you were two years. It took you two years, but then you said you were four years group home for four years.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, and that the group home was. I always compare it to a nursing home. Only nursing homes for the elderly group home is for the mentally ill. So yeah, I was in a group home for a while.

DanielaSM:

That was very helpful. You saw that as very helpful, okay.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, I had a lot of therapy, vocational rehab. I went back to school, like I was saying. Oh wonderful Started. You know, really writing and just getting my strength back.

DanielaSM:

So while you were living there, you went to school.

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, yeah. I started out at the community college. Gradual change, baby steps. I didn't go all the way to full-time student. I went with, started with one class, you know, got an A. I was able to do it. So the next semester I took two classes, then I took three classes. When I got to three classes I kind of said, okay, this is my, this is my love, this is my, you know, comfortable workload. So from that point forward I always took three classes all the way up until graduation.

DanielaSM:

Oh, wonderful. And how do you know that you wanted to study literature or writing?

Ryan Gray:

You know I was already into writing, but I thought, maybe if I studied literature it would make me a better writer.

DanielaSM:

Ryan, you graduated and then you went to live on your own. You manage your schizophrenia with medications, or how does it work?

Ryan Gray:

The psychosis turned into schizophrenia, which is pretty common, I think. Usually the progression is psychosis and then schizoaffective and then schizophrenia. My parents they helped me with rent and, yeah, I went back to school. My parents they helped me with rent and, yeah, I went back to school, finished out school, got a car. I had an ACT team which was like a doctor, vocational rehab and some other counselors Kind of coached me, helped me kind of set goals and try to reach those goals. You know one of the goals was to finish school, so I did that, to start working, hold a steady job.

DanielaSM:

And you have a job.

Ryan Gray:

Yes to be working at a grocery store stocking shelves just to have a little income on the side. My main job is the writing.

DanielaSM:

Okay, good, and so let's talk about your book. How did you come with the idea? Oh, I need to write a book.

Ryan Gray:

It actually happened when I was in school in 2015 or 2016. I wrote a short story for a class. My fellow students said oh, this is really good. You should tell the whole story frame by frame rather than just a short story. You should write a book about this. I'll never forget the phrase frame by frame, just taking the reader through it. And that was in like 2015, 2016. And I was surprised. As a comic for writers, you spend more time revising than actually writing. Probably took me a year or something to write the book and then several years of revision.

DanielaSM:

Oh really, wow. And you didn't get any help, you did it on your own.

Ryan Gray:

I had an initial publisher, a small local publisher or pretty much a lady who was running her own publishing company. So I worked with her for a few years. We would just kind of sit down together and go through it page by page. I wouldn't say anybody helped compose the book. I had help with revision, support networks, like the support of my family in my efforts.

DanielaSM:

Okay, great, going out of your home or dealing with people in general, you can deal with that normally, or is it difficult for you sometimes?

Ryan Gray:

Oh, it can be difficult for sure. I deal with a lot of anxiety. I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. A lot of my plate as it is and I don't need more mental illness right now. It's a constant battle.

DanielaSM:

And if you go back and you see the young Ryan, would you say something to that Ryan?

Ryan Gray:

Kind of a warning. Where do you think the drug use is going to lead you to? You're going to be on the street and you're not going to have anything. I would just say to ask for help.

DanielaSM:

Okay, well, I am very happy that you are now a writer and that things are better for you. You feel good. You have other goals. What is it that you would like to do that is different, that you would like to have?

Ryan Gray:

with what I have and not to be overly concerned about book sales. But one of my friends said success is in the work, not in the number of books sold.

DanielaSM:

Yes, and all the things that you have accomplished so far. This is your path. I think you are successful and you keep going.

Ryan Gray:

Like maybe write some more, write some more books.

DanielaSM:

Yes, different ones, maybe. So, ryan, is there anything else that I can help you with or that you want to share?

Ryan Gray:

Yeah, I just like to tell people to just look, sort of observe how far I've come in mental health treatment for many years and that nobody is outside of the reach of being helped help. There's the national what is it? The SAMHSA national helpline, which is like a hotline for substance abuse mental health services.

DanielaSM:

Yes, and then also that is important the family doesn't abandon anyone. Yes, right Cause, I think that's the success Exactly, exactly. That you, you keep having people wanting to help you.

Ryan Gray:

Thanks for having me.

DanielaSM:

Well, wonderful. Ryan. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate it that you were so vulnerable. I love your writing style and I wish all success. I want people to follow you on Facebook and get to buy your book. You want to mention again what is your website as well and the name of your book.

Ryan Gray:

The name of my book is Twilight in York. Name of the website is twilightinyorkcom.

DanielaSM:

Perfect. Thank you so much, Ryan.

Ryan Gray:

Thank you, appreciate it, you're welcome.

DanielaSM:

I hope you enjoyed today's episode. I am Daniela and you are listening to, because Everyone has a Story. Please take five seconds right now and think of somebody in your life that may enjoy what you just heard, or someone that has a story to be shared and preserved. When you think of that person, shoot them a text with the link of this podcast. This will allow the ordinary magic to go further. Join me next time for another story conversation. Thank you for listening. Hasta pronto.

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