The Deep Impact of Attachment on Our Lives | Neuroscience Reveals

Have you ever wondered why we form attachments and how they affect our well-being? Are you curious about the science behind our need for connection and the impact it has on our mental health?


Dive into the fascinating world of the neuroscience of attachment with Anthony Hartcher in this enlightening episode of me&my health up. Discover the intricate balance between our fundamental need for security and the quest for independence, and how this delicate dance shapes our lives from infancy through adulthood.


In this episode, Anthony Hartcher, a seasoned neuroscientist and clinical nutritionist, unravels the complex web of human emotions, behaviours, and brain chemistry that underpin our attachments. Learn about the pivotal roles of oxytocin and serotonin in fostering bonds and ensuring emotional stability, and explore the paradoxical nature of attachment as both a source of comfort and potential suffering.


This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking to enhance their well-being by understanding the neuroscience behind attachment. Whether you're looking to deepen your connections, foster independence, or simply curious about the science of human relationships, Anthony's expert guidance will illuminate the path to a more fulfilled and balanced life.


Tune in to uncover the secrets of the neuroscience of attachment and embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.


Don't miss this opportunity to transform your understanding of attachment and its impact on your life. Listen to the full episode now and take the first step towards a healthier, more autonomous you.

About me&my health up & Anthony Hartcher

me&my health up seeks to enhance and enlighten the well-being of others. Host Anthony Hartcher is the CEO of me&my wellness, which provides holistic health solutions using food as medicine and a holistic, balanced, lifestyle approach. Anthony holds three bachelor's degrees in Complementary Medicine; Nutrition and Dietetic Medicine; and Chemical Engineering.

Podcast Disclaimer
Any information, advice, opinions or statements within it do not constitute medical, health care or other professional advice, and are provided for general information purposes only. All care is taken in the preparation of the information in this Podcast. [Connected Wellness Pty Ltd] operating under the brand of “me&my health up”..click here for more

Transcript

Anthony Hartcher: 0:08

Buddha says attachment is the root of all suffering. Yes, you have landed on the me&my health up podcast and I'm your host, Anthony Hartcher, neuroscientist, and I'm teaching you today, the neuroscience of attachment. Yes, we're going to be exploring attachment. The purpose of this podcast is to enhance and enlighten your well-being, and why learning how to de-attach will enhance your well-being. And so I'm going to explore this topic with you. And we're going to be discussing where it comes from, and how it stays around, and what you can do about it to break free of attachment, how can you transcend that necessity that need to be attached, that source of suffering and pain and that source of illness is that addiction to attachment. So let's get underway with what happens in our brain when we are attached. So attachment is a sense of we feel as bit of safety a bit of security. So it's a fundamental need to humans is to feel an element of safe and security. And so we produce the neurotransmitters oxytocin and serotonin. So oxytocin is the neurotransmitter that makes us feel bonded, connected to one another. Okay, so we, we release oxytocin when we are hugging. So hugging is a great source of oxytocin. So just hug the person next to you. And you'll feel a sense of connection, a sense of belonging, a sense of a bond, a bond between one another, that's inseparable, in many ways. That's what the oxytocin drives us to stay bonded together, to stay connected, so that we can help one another, help one another, ultimately thrive. But it is the addiction to this, that is the problem, right. And we then always seek externally for this source of happiness, essentially. And the other neurotransmitter that I just mentioned, was serotonin. And serotonin is the mood stabiliser, it makes us feel content, satisfied. And so when you're connected, when you're attached, there's a sense of security and safety, hence, you feel safe and secure. And you feel that you're in a good mood, because your life's not under threat. However, it is the prolonged attachment that is really going to cause us to suffer, because what it's doing is holding us back from growing, it's like a safety net that's always bound us up, wrapped us up in cotton wool. And you'll see it a lot with parenting, the way parents wrap their children up in cotton wool, because there's this element of attachment. And yes, there is an element that is required. But it's when we go beyond what is required, that is really holding us back from thriving, we thrive when we're challenged. So when we're challenged from the outside world, we take on something that's a bit out of our comfort zone, a bit uncertain, a bit unknown, that's when we grow, okay. And so we need to encounter these challenges. And we don't want to essentially be stuck and stuck and stuck in this safe, secure cotton wool bed. We want to grow and thrive, we want to lift off, we want to go beyond and really live a fulfilled life, as opposed to feeling stuck, safety, and secure in this wrapped up ball of cotton wool. So what happens so when we come into the world we are we're attached through an umbilical cord to our mother, and then we get detached, we're then reliant on outside support. So we get detached from the mother that was feeding us now where we draw our first breath. And now we are able to go on in some way of independence. But there's still a huge amount of dependence. And that's what parents do. They bring children up to a certain point, until they were able to become independent. And throughout the world, this increase or the rate of independence is variable. I remember watching a documentary and a three-year-old in Japan was venturing outside and doing huge amount of independence, three years old, venturing outside in the cities of Tokyo, amongst all the cars and the busyness of the people. And the kid was put on a shopping adventure to help the family and to help the kid thrive and to help the kid grow with independence. Now, I'm not saying this is right or wrong. It's culturally that's a part of the Japanese culture is that start to become independent early on. And there's other parts of the world, other parts require you know, their essentially living in the sea or amongst the sea. There's huts amongst the sea. And the only way they can visit one another is if they swim between the huts. And so kids basically jump in the water in early age and work at how to swim to the next hut to play with their friends. So again, the rate of which we become independent and and the rate of which we're challenged really depends on our upbringing. And so parents will obviously bring us up, raise us, and we very dependent on them. And obviously, under the age of seven, we take on board everything they say everything they say. And it's only then we start to question things beyond that sort of seven years, obviously a bit earlier, but have that real reliance on parents and doing what they say and listening and taking everything in as gospel. And then we, we start to challenge them. As we enter the teenage years, we start to challenge what they say, we're starting to enforce our interdependence. We want, we're seeking interdependence. Now we're seeking independence. And that's where parents become a bit frustrated, because they've had the control and they they're not wanting to relinquish that control, they're wanting to control the destiny of their child because they're acting they're an interest that is love, or what they consider love, okay, it's not really true love, but it's a, it's a conditional love. And so they know that if the kid does this, then they'll be safe and secure. And there's a sense of parents' attachment to the kid, and its well-being, however, it's stopping the child from flourishing. And so if you weren't very, you didn't have much independence during the teenage years, then you can really become attached and become dependent. And so if you aren't given much freedom in those teenage years, then when you become supposedly an adult, 18 years old, you you know, you're, you're sort of addicted to that dependence, and you're reliant on your parents for longer, much longer. And hence why children are staying at home longer, it's because of the parents have created this environment where the child's still dependent on them, and they haven't allowed them to flourish, and to grow their independence. So what's happening in the brain? Well, in the brain, we very much have that survival center developed in those teenage years and very much teenagers are running in that survival area of the brain, whilst their prefrontal cortex, which is the executive function is developing. So the prefrontal cortex is where we have certainty, we have purpose, we have presence, we have gratitude, we have love. And then in that limbic system, which is that survival area of the brain is that emotional area of the brain, hence why teenagers are very emotional. They're very emotive driven, they're very reactive to the environment, very reactive to what people say about them. And there's that part of that survival brain is relying on others to help them get through those years to help them to go into independence. So they do they want to fit in, they want to fit in with the crowd, as a teenager, certainly want to fit in with the crowd. And you can relate to this. Now, the the issue being is that we get too dependent in this area, our parents wrapping us up in cotton wool, not allowing us independence, we become wanting to fit in with our peers, and we respect our peers, and we sort of get a bit resentful to our parents. But we're very much dependent on them, because we haven't been given much independence to grow. And so when our executive function is fully developed by 25 years of age, there's still that stuck in the survival area of the brain stuck in, oh, I'm not ready for the outside world yet. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to take on challenges because I've been wrapped up and cotton warm and protected from challenges. And so this becomes this doesn't serve us into those years where we were very much in that still that emotional center of the brain, we're still in that limbic system, where it's survival, it's all about survival and in survival, we seek pleasure, and we seek to avoid pain. And as I shared with this quote at the beginning, Buddha says the source the root of all suffering is this attachment. And it's the attachment to the unattainable, so attachment to a fantasy, which is what happens when you become very dependent you get this illusion of what the world what reality is, right? It's it because you've been so protected you think the world very caring and safe and it's just as everyone's there to support you and to mother you and to wrap you up in cotton wool. However, the reality is, is not that and so you become attac... you know, attached to this fantasy. And then what you're you're wanting to avoid is any challenge to that protection, that safety. And so you're trying to run away from the unavoidable challenges that is going to happen as you become older and older. And so trying to run away from a unavoidable challenge, which is life, and then try to run towards this unattainable fantasy of this dream of which you perceive reality to be, is an illusion. And so what happens is the it corrects this massive fantasy of how life should be. And then your reality doesn't match up to that. And that creates depressive feelings because life's not living up to your fantasy. And so you become quite depressed. And it can lead into depression because the reality is not meeting your fantasy. And the bigger that gap, the bigger the fantasy you have around how life should be, it should all be fair, and it should all be pleasurable, and it should all be secure and safe. Well, that's a complete illusion. And so what happens is, you have a, they've shown in studies, that people that have a great amount of dependence are prone to depression. And that's because of the fantasy that's been created earlier on in life, where they've been protected, over protected from life, and they haven't encountered challenges, which the challenges would help them become independent because they have to find their way around. And they have to reach out for help. Whereas these people that have been protected, haven't had to reach out for help. And so when they experience these depressed feelings because reality is not living up to their expectations, or their fantasy, they are a bit reluctant to reach out for help, they expect the help to be there, because mom and dad were always there, they always had them warbling and saying, Oh, what do you need? What do you need, I'm gonna give you this, I'll give you this, you, I'll get you out of this, I'll speak for you, I'll stand up for you and all this, and I'll stand up to the bullies and all these sorts of things. And then in the outside world, yeah, there's people that will challenge you. And if you want to perceive them as bullies, you can call them bullies, or label them as bullies. But they're challenging you to help you grow up to help you become independent. So that's what happens if we don't start to develop that independence within us, then we're going to attract it on the outside that will challenge us to become independent, to break the addiction and fantasy to the world, or the attachment to that fantasy. I'm dependent and everyone should be supportive of me, and I shouldn't face any challenges. That's not fair. That's not life. Well, the reality is, that is life. And it's just because you've been wrapped up in cotton wool. And you have this addiction to dependence dependence, and what the outside world is trying to break that addiction to dependence and that fantasy to the attachment. So that you actually become independent, and you can grow and thrive and become the best version of yourself. Because whilst we're in survival mode, we're not willing to stand out we want to fit in because we feel insecure. And so this dependence that we have just generates more and more insecurities, because we're too scared to face the unknown, which is where growth is growth is in the area of unknown it is we have to venture out of our comfort zone to grow. And we were not willing to do that, because we're too fearful. We're stuck in the fear center, we're stuck in that limbic center of the brain, which has the amygdala and the amygdala is all about fear. It's about fear of the unknown, which is where growth is, right. It creates uncertainty, because it's a survival mechanism to say, well, this is all about life and death, and you don't run away in this opposite direction from the challenge or the threat, then you might not survive. And so you're constantly running away from pain, and running towards pleasure. And that's the amygdala running you the pain and pleasure. And so but this creates fantasies as to the world should be that it should only be pleasurable, and there shouldn't be any pain, because I didn't experience any pain as a childhood. That was because you're wrapped up and protected, and you weren't facing reality, now, you're getting a dose of reality. So now the outside world is trying to break that addiction to that fantasy to help you to grow, to help you to see that your fantasy is not real and to get real, and therefore to lift you out of depression, because you're not attached to that fantasy anymore. Hence you're not attracting the nightmare, which is the real world. You perceive the real world as a nightmare because you're addicted to your fantasy that it's supposed to be safe, protective, and fair, and pleasurable and all this, but that was just a fantasy and illusion that was created because of the dependence that you built up over time on others and on your parents. And so this is what happens we get stuck in the animal part of the brain, and when we don't actually grow and thrive and become the best version of ourselves because we're too conscious of having to fit in. Because we have that attachment to dependence. We're very attached to dependence. We're very attached to people, very attached to things and we can't let go because of the fear of the unknown, the fear, the uncertainty, because we're stuck in that amygdala, we're stuck in that fear center. And so what needs to happen is actually the focus on you and what you want, and connecting with yourself, or having that self-reflection, to saying what's important to me, what do I value, as opposed to just, you've just only injected your parents values and your peers values, and you really lost amongst all these masks all these personas, and you haven't found your true self. And so it's a good time, if this if I'm talking to you, and you're constantly insecure in this real world is you're stuck in that fear center. And it could be because you have an addiction to dependence. So it's now time to reflect as to what's truly valuable to you. And these things will become something that you do automatically, but you're just not conscious of it, is we're always unconsciously living about our values, we do what's important to us, but we don't acknowledge them, we just do it. And it's why people say or how come you procrastinate, because you're procrastinating or something that's not important to you, but it's important to the person that telling you that you're procrastinating. And so you're constantly living by what's important to you. By doing it and doing it without anyone having to remind you to do it, you just do it, right, you spontaneously do it. Because it's important to you subconsciously, subconsciously or unconsciously. And you get brought to your attention that, hey, you're not here on time, it's because you don't value that appointment. Whereas that person, you know, someone else has said that you're you should always be on time, well, you'll be on time for the things that are important to you. And so where are you turning up on time to? Where are you very organised and discipline and making sure you're there? And you're reliable in these areas? So what do you do that drives this? Like, what is it that you're doing? Like, for me, I'm always on time for my podcast, I, I do one every week, at least. And I'm doing multiple per week at the moment, because I love doing them. And no one has to remind me or pay me to or incentivise me to do these podcasts. I love sharing my wisdom. And so this is an area that I really value, which is enlightening your well-being is something that is important to me is passing on my knowledge to you, to enlighten you, to empower you, so that you can become a better version of yourself. And that's what inspires me from within. And this is why I do these podcasts is nothing else. It's just that I'm fulfilling my mission and living out what's most important to me. And this value stemmed for me, but not being very, you know, not being very well, when I was young. And I went on a mission ever since I was a kid to improve my health and well-being, to understand why I do what I do, to understand how I can be of better service into the world. And so I got educated and constantly educating myself, in this area of human behaviour, in this area of neuroscience, in this area of health and well-being. I'm constantly educating myself, so I can share it with you to empower your life, to help you thrive. And so I want you to just do self-reflect now, is what you truly value and start filling your day with what you truly value. Because that will lift you out of that animal survival center and take you into that thrive or that prefrontal cortex, where we have a vision of the life that we want to live. And so it really lifts you out of that animal center, and fills you with purpose and meaning and fulfillment because you're doing something that's meaningful, and that is you living out what's important to you. Because when you do that, you become the best version of you. It's it's fantastic, isn't it, you're no longer comparing yourself to others. Whereas when we're in that animal part of the brain, we're constantly comparing ourselves to others, because we want to fit in, we don't want to stand out, we want to become become copycats of them. That way they'll like us if we copy what they are and tried to be more like them. But you're not being the best version of yourself. And you're not living a meaningful life, a purposeful life, because the purpose for life is being the best version of you. Because there's no one else on this earth that is you. And so the best thing you can do in terms of contribution is to live out a life that is authentic to you. Because there's no other copycat of you. There's no other carbon copy of you. So live the life that you want to live based on what's important to you. So that's the first thing I suggest you start with is start doing that and be comfortable with saying no to things that aren't important to you. Because then that's helping you stand out because you're focused on your priorities and what's important to you and you become better at that it's like me with podcasting. I didn't start out, I started out very ordinary, I was very nervous. But now I'm very comfortable in front of the microphone, because I've been doing it over and over again, because it's very important to me. And I'll continue to do it. And I'll continue to get better. Because this is very important to me. May impairing your health and well-being is really important to me, and this is why I keep turning up. And so where is it that you're most reliable? Is it you know, in terms of the family context, running the family, organising the family, supporting the family, and that's really important to you, we'll make sure you keep doing that, and maybe say no to extra work, say no to things that don't fulfill you, if the family is fulfilling you, or could be your career that's very filling. So therefore, say no to distractions that are gonna stop you from you know, excelling in your career, and being the best version you can be in helping that organisation fulfill its mission, because it's making a difference in society. So whatever it is, do it and fill your day with it, you'll be inspired, and you'll have limitless energy, and you won't be living in that fear center of uncertainty, you'll be certain, I have certainty around what I say, because I research these topics, I get a huge amount of understanding before I share it. And so I have certainty and conviction when I say, and I'm really present when I do these podcasts, hence why some of them go a bit longer than what I'd like it's because I get so in the moment of sharing that I just want to keep sharing what I've learned and keep empowering you. So what else can you do to break yourself free of attachment is to create a vision of what you value, and then start visualising it. So those things that you value? How can you monetarise that? How can you create an income from that by being a master of it by putting in so many hours that you become the expert in that area, and it could be around, you know how to run a successful family, you might write write a book, or you might write a novel, or you might be involved with children's education or something like that. But start filling your day, start getting mastery of what you love doing, and then start showcasing it. And if there's a value or a need in society, then the monetary side will come. And you can create and they by researching, what are people looking for around these areas that you value, what information, so when I do podcasts, I look as to what people are searching for. And then I get topics that I know I'm you know, an expert at. And then I share the information in that area. So I'm looking at what people are googling, I'm actually getting my team to do that, my SEO expert. So Kenneth, Kenneth really helps me in this area. So thank you, Kenneth, in terms of doing your SEO work, because it enables me to research the topic, and to get mastery of these topics, and to then impart the wisdom on to you. So I'm getting other people to help me to bring together the best episode. And I've got a fantastic team. Novee, Novee I didn't acknowledge in a previous podcast, I want to shout out to you because you coordinate the whole team, you're the gel, the glue that brings everyone together that makes these episodes happen. And if it wasn't for you it wouldn't come together in a coherent way. And it would require my time away from researching and actually doing podcasts to help, do something that I don't find fulfilling, but you're very good at it. You're way better than me. So thanks for project managing the team to get these episodes to market. I really appreciate it, Novee, really do. And I I wanted to shout out in the previous episode to you, but I actually it slipped my mind I got so involved with remembering everyone's name and making sure I didn't forget anyone. And I actually forgot someone. So thank you, Novee. And thank you, Ken, again, for the SEO work you do. And so if you start looking at what people are searching under that topic of mastery of that topic that's really important to you, then you can see what information people are seeking or what what their needs are around that topic. And then you can start to see whether what you like doing fulfills a need of what people are searching for. And when you match that need, then there'll be a fair exchange of value. They'll pay for what you produce. And so you can turn your vocation or what inspires you into a career. And it could start as a little sidekick. A little side hustle, right? This could start as a side hustle for you and you could start investing time, so you're not wasting time scrolling through social media in developing your side hustle, the area that inspires you. And so over time, you'll migrate out of your current paid work into your side hustle, but you'll keep doing your paid work because you're linking that to your highest value. So how is what you're doing around your paid work helping you fulfill what's most important to you, you find those links, and then you'll still be inspired to do the paid work whilst you're developing your side hustle. So that's a way to really start freeing yourself up. The other way is to allow, like, if you're a parent, to allow your children some independence to take some ownership of something. So give them some responsibilities, okay, and ideally, responsibilities in areas that they like that they find enjoyable, and they will really thrive in those areas. So find out what's important, and what's a value to your children, and then challenge them in those areas that they value. If you challenge them in the areas that they value, they will willingly take on that challenge, because it's an area that's important to them. It's like me, and podcasting, I'm willing to take on podcasting challenges, and you know, things that really are in my area that inspires me any challenge, all my clients bring challenges to me every day, I'm willing to, you know, take them on any day and you know on Sundays, I'm working Sundays with my clients because it really, it's a challenge that's worthy, it's worthy because it helps me fulfill my purpose. And so I'm willing to take on that challenge. And it might bring some pain, but it's on the way of fulfilling a higher meaning in life, a higher purpose. And so I'm gonna stop it. Now I'll just put everything into taking on that challenge and growing from it. And I do all the time, I'm constantly growing from clients' challenges, and trying to help them get through there or help them find their inspiration. I recently got a text message today, from a client I've been helping. And he's made massive progress in terms of where he's come from, to where he is today. And he was wrapped in terms of that progress. And he was expressing gratitude. And so yes, shout out to my client that sent me a text today, it was really nice to receive that, because we've been working now for eight months, I think eight months together, like nine months. And it's been a fantastic journey. And I've really enjoyed working with this client, because he actually takes action, that's the most important thing is I can share all the knowledge and the wisdom and the know-how, but if my clients don't take action, then they don't get the results. So I'd like to leave it there. And I really just wanted to share this neuroscience of attachment and how it's not serving you and how it's holding you back from growing because you're trying to fit in, you're trying to fulfill other people's values to fit in, but not fulfilling your values and the values that really inspire you and lift you and is going to bring out the best in you because you'll be willing to take on those challenges in the areas that you value. Whereas if you try to take on a challenge, by by doing something that's important to someone else, if you don't have that value, then you will find that a struggle, it won't be a challenge that you that brings you up and brings out the best in the you you will just struggle through and and most likely want to run away and avoid, avoid that challenge because it's not important to you. But the challenges in the areas that are important to you, you'll take on, you want to because you want to grow in that area. And so you're constantly grow and become more and more independent in the areas that you value. So focus on the areas that you value, feel your day, your week, your months, your years, in the areas that you value, and you'll find you grow because you're constantly taking on challenges in that space. Because you look for them, you're willing to take them on, you're not trying to avoid them to stay safe and secure. Because you fear the uncertainty. Because you're thriving, you're thriving, you're willing to step out of your comfort zone, because it's an area that you have confidence in. It's an area that brings you energy, it's an area that you're willing to take on anything. So stick to the areas that are value and important to you make them a priority in your life and live each day. Making sure that you know that your priorities are in place and you say no to things that aren't a priority. And you'll stay on purpose you'll stay on mission and you'll live a fulfilled life, a meaningful life. So I just want to leave it there today. And if I can help you please reach out please email me I'm happy to support you. The email you'll find in the show notes so please email me and book a consult if you want further one-on-one support. I'd be happy to help you. And until next time, have a great day, week, month and until you listen to my next episode. Take care, bye for now.

Podcast Disclaimer: 29:47

This podcast and any information, advice, opinions, or statements within it do not constitute medical, healthcare, or professional advice and are provided for general information purposes only. All care is taken in the preparation of the information in this podcast. [Connected Wellness Propriety Limited] operating under the brand "me&my health up" does not make any representations or give any warranties about its accuracy, reliability, completeness, or suitability for any particular purpose. This podcast and any information, advice, opinions, or statements within it are not to be used as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, psychiatric, or any other mental health care or health care in general. me&my health up recommends you seek the advice of a doctor or qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Inform your doctor of any changes that you make to your lifestyle and discuss these with your doctor. Do not disregard medical advice or delay visiting a medical professional because of something you hear in this podcast. This podcast has been carefully prepared on the basis of current information. Changes in circumstances after publication may affect the accuracy of this information. To the maximum extent permitted by the law, me&my health up disclaims any such representations or warranties to the completeness, accuracy, merchantability, or fitness for purpose of this podcast and will not be liable for any expenses, losses, damages, incurred indirect or consequential damages or cost that may be incurred as a result of the information being inaccurate or incomplete in any way and for any reason. No part of this podcast can be reproduced, redistributed, published, copied, or duplicated in any form without prior permission of me&my health up.