53. Our Shit: What Happens After A Break Up?

It’s official, Kristy is now single after a 6-year relationship. In this episode, we process the emotions after a breakup, recognize what is “overly independent”, and discuss fears of the future after losing a partner. Our Shit is a series where we update our lives with each other and how we cope with its challenges.

“I felt like if we stayed together, we would've been living a compromised version of a life that neither of us really wanted” - Kristy Yee

Episodes Mentioned:

• Ep 45. Our Shit: What I Learned from Breaking Up a 6 Year Relationship
• Ep 47. To Have or Not to Have Babies... and Why
• Ep 49. Attachment Style…It Makes You Feel Some Type of Way
• Ep 51. The Joy and Grief of Adult Friendships

Transcript

Angie: 0:00

When we broke up, I was really upset. So I took these like love letters that he had written to me, and I'm like, I'm gonna burn them. I'm like, No, that's, there's too much rage in burning them. I don't wanna burn them. So I'm like, Okay, I'll like throw them into a fountain. Throw into the fountain. And it got all soggy I'm like, Wait a minute, now it's garbage Now I welcome back to another episode of Shit We Don't Tell Mom. This is Angie.

Kristy: 0:50

This is Kristy.

Angie: 0:51

so we have two updates as of last episode. Kristy is back in Vancouver. by the time this comes up, she will be officially back in Vancouver. She will no longer be in incognito mode, which she is right now, because she's not home and she's like hiding somewhere in Richmond, which is amazing.

Kristy: 1:13

You know, when you say incognito, I think of that man on Google Chrome with like the glasses and the top hat and like the trench coat or whatever. The cape

Angie: 1:22

yes. That's

Kristy: 1:23

That's me right now.

Angie: 1:25

you right now, like not really wanting to integrate fully back into Vancouver society yet. So you're just kind of back in incognito.

Kristy: 1:34

Yeah, I'm slowly, slowly making my way into real life, but not really. I recognize it's a very, a huge privilege for me to even even be doing that. So, but

Angie: 1:44

but you know, whatever. Enjoy it,

Kristy: 1:46

exactly. It's tiring, right? And when you're tired, you need to rest, and I'm allowing myself to rest.

Angie: 1:54

That's right. All right, so there's a second update and I don't know what the second update is, but perhaps you can enlighten me and enlighten the poop trips

Kristy: 2:05

This is very exciting. Well, I mean, ex, I don't know if exciting is the right word, but I guess I'm, Hmm. let me, let me like rethink this. so if you haven't listened to episode 45 please go and listen to episode 45 so that this episode would actually make more sense. And you'll have some context cuz episode 45 will give you some, some background as to what has been happening in my romantic relationship life. And today's episode is a continuation of episode 45 where I talk about what had happened next. If you've listened to it, great. We're gonna keep going. If you haven't, please go listen to 45 and then come back to this episode. Okay? So I'm gonna jump right. So as of like less than 48 hours ago, Mr. Lobster and I have officially broken up

Angie: 2:58

okay. first of all, how do you feel.

Kristy: 3:01

I feel, I feel, I don't know, I feel a lot of things, when, when he comes to my mind, I try not to think of it. I think for a breakup, for something as significant as over six years, I think I'm handling it pretty well. I think, in episode 45, we were talking about how Mr. Lobster and I decided to go on a break. I was really against the idea of going on a break. That was his suggestion to kind of, you know, cool things down, give each other space to process and think about what we want and how to move forward. And I was like, a break is just like a sad ass excuse to break up. It's just the, the cowardly way of going, abouts breaking up. And I was really against the idea. I'm like, If we're gonna go on a break, then we might as well just break up. And that was how the whole conversation started and that, and then that's how the flip flopping began. Now I. I'm, I'm kind of a fan of a break now because during that break, which was somewhere from March until I guess now, so around six, seven months, which is pretty long, I felt like yes, there was a lot more time and space to process and, and think about what it is that we want, but I think subconsciously I knew we were heading towards this direction of breaking up, and I don't know if the, this is like the right answer and maybe there was no right answer, but for me, I felt like it helped me grieve without it being super intense. If that makes sense. Cause I think if we had straight up just broken up in March, I would've been like a fucking wreck. Even if I knew that would've been the right thing to do, I it emotionally, it would've felt so intense. And which is why there was so much of that flip flopping, like the intensity was already there during those initial conversations. But because we decided to go on a break, then it was like, we're not fully broken up, but we're deciding what we wanna do. Like we could totally still get back together. There was those possibilities, but you really had that time to think about, is this what you want? Is this what I want? And of course there are times when I think, yes, I think we should get back together. And that's how we ended episode 45 was I came to that conclusion of like, Yes, I think we can still make this work. But a lot of things will have to change. But since that recording, I again, consciously or subconsciously went towards the direction of, I, I really do think we should break up, even though it sucks because I felt like, I felt like if we stayed together, we would've been living a compromised version of a life that neither of us really wanted. And by letting him go, Then we both have the chance to live our best life. And it was really hard because this relationship is the best romantic relationship I've had thus far. And I think the both of us kept clinging onto all the good things at the beginning of the re relationship. And of course we understand that there's like H honeymoon phase in that clouds things, but it was like really good. And we were both so confident about each other, so confident in where this relationship was going. And I think that's what made it really hard for us to fully break up back in March. Cuz neither of us wanted to let that go. When you have something good, you don't wanna give up on it, You know, and I know he is a really great person, but it's just not something that fits well in my life and where I want my life to go anymore. It's like, it's like, it's like having a Louis Vuitton purse and I I, I don't think I'm a super materialistic person, so I don't give a fuck about brand names and brand name purses, but I know it's a value. Like I know it's high quality. I know it's something people want. So it's like I have this Louis Vuitton purse and I don't wanna give it up even though it doesn't fit well with my lifestyle and what I actually care about. Not that, not to say I don't care about Mr. Lobster, but you know, this is like high level analogy. So it's like I wanna clinging onto this thing, knowing that it's good, knowing that it's high value, but it's like, is it even something that works well with my life?

Angie: 8:11

No, I think that's a really good analogy to describe where you're coming from with regards to why you decided to quote unquote let go. That's hard. I totally get it because the, the beginning of the relationship, not just the honeymoon phase but the way you had come into each other's lives, the way you had intertwined your lives and everything was just so good. It was very special. So when things kind of died down, and maybe it got to the point where it was like, okay, maybe we're headed in different direction. And that in itself is very upsetting to think about because there's doubts that start coming up. There's dilemmas that starts coming up and yeah, basically I can see that you were in that gray area for quite some time, probably for the last two years, maybe even longer. So it was like a slow burn. Like a slow burn until you made the decision.

Kristy: 9:11

Which like from, you know, two years ago, the slow burning coupled with the six, seven month break it's like, I subconsciously knew we were heading this direction. We just didn't wanna admit it. But because I'm subconsciously knowing I'm going to lose this person, I start MicroG grieving,

Angie: 9:31

Nice.

Kristy: 9:32

which is Which is why I feel like

Angie: 9:37

Cause we just learned the word micro cheating last episode.

Kristy: 9:41

Exactly.

Angie: 9:41

No, I love it.

Kristy: 9:42

know, the term micro is very useful,

Angie: 9:46

It is.

Kristy: 9:47

And it's not to say like I'm not upset Of course I am. I just someone who is very, very dear and special to me is no longer a big part of my life anymore. And that's very upsetting and it feels very lonely. But I don't feel like my world has just ended. Like I'm not curled up in a ball. Like everything in my life has been destroyed, you know, in that devastating pit that I have felt in previous breakups. And I think other people have felt in breakups. And that's just like the process of breaking up, right? Like you go through that motion. Although I did wake up yesterday feeling anxiety, which was very interesting because typically when I wake up from anxiety, it's something to do with school or work or like performance or, when I say performance, I mean like, I don't know, speaking to people, right? Like performance anxiety or just like anxiety about life and my in, and the busy schedule that it comes with. And I felt the same symptoms, like the knots in my stomach, the twists and like the whole, you know, twisting my legs around my blankets and pulling onto them until like, I can't breathe. And it was weird because I have, I'm in this incognito mode right now. I'm like taking a staycation. I'm very much relaxed. There aren't too many stressful things. But it was the, the thought of him not being in my life made me anxious. I don't think I have felt that way about my previous relationships before, and so I'm like, Okay, is this just because one, I'm, I'm, I'm better at noticing my anxieties and better at recognizing my own symptoms? Or is it something, or is it, or is it Mr. Lobster?

Angie: 11:50

I think it's both. I think it's more so to do with the fact that the relationship you had with Mr. Lobster was healthy and you are at a place where you're secure because of all the work you have done, such as learning how to sit with your feelings and process your emotions. I think it's all of that. I think doing all that has made you more grounded, at least in my opinion. And because of that, when you're now going through a big change, especially when it has to do something with attachment. But you know, as per our attachment episode, episode 49, when we talked about attachment, you were surprised that you were secure, but I think that's a reflection of how far you've come. And the relationship you had with Mr. Lobster was very healthy. You both did your own things. You had your own life, you have your own hobbies and goals and all that stuff. So that's why I think you're handling this pretty well or better than you had expected because even though he's no longer in your life, it's only a part of your life that has fallen apart. It's not your entire life. And it's a, it's a significant part, but it's not all of your world.

Kristy: 13:09

Yeah, and I think that's, I think that's really important because you can't expect another human being to be your whole world. You can't put that much pressure onto someone else because they're just another human just like you are. Like nobody knows what they're doing. So to, to have that as an expectation on another person is, is really stressful. And I think that that is one of our strong points in our relationship is that we really respect and gave each other space to be independent people. And I still, that's something I still value very much and I, and I hope to carry into my next relationship. However, I've recently started to recognize that I, I may be too independent and not just, not just in romantic relationships, but like in my life. and yeah, I was talking to my mom about this and I said, like I said, like go, What's go though in English? Like extreme, too much

Angie: 14:25

overly.

Kristy: 14:26

overly. Yeah. And, and how that bled, how that had affected my relationship with Mr. Lobster is that I think we gave each other too much space. And that's why when we started to go down different paths in our lives and drift apart, we didn't notice it because we were, we had already given each other too much space. So we didn't notice that when we were going in different directions until it. too late that we have already become different people and we want different things. And that was when we realized, oh shit, we are now on different paths and it's, And you can't go back.

Angie: 15:12

Yeah. And the paths are going in different directions and it would be too much to ask for each of you to give up what you're working towards to make the relationship work. Some people choose to do that and that's totally fine, but in your case it didn't. It wasn't something that you both. is that right?

Kristy: 15:35

Yeah. So while I still value independence and flexibility and freedom a lot, I think, I think in the case of Mr. Lobster and I, it was a little bit too much of a good thing and we ended up drifting apart without even noticing until like two, three years later.

Angie: 15:55

I wanna go back to you recognizing the fact that you are overly independent. Have you always known that and that this situation has just reminded you again of how it could not always be a positive thing, or is it something you've realized for the first.

Kristy: 16:15

I think I've always recognized and took a lot of pride that I'm an independent person. I'm like, I'm an independent woman. I can do whatever I want and I'm gonna get the thing that I want and buy for it and pay for it and achieve for, you know, and like do my thing. And that was always something that I was very proud of. What I had recognized recently, like this is a new revelation for me, is that, oh, Too much independence isn't always a good thing. And I started recognizing that because like the moment I ca so, so I came back to Vancouver, right? Everybody. And then I like stopped by at my mom's place. I had some time, so I was like, I might as well clear out all of my shit from the van, and then I slept there for one night, one, one night. Everybody I slept there for one night and I'm like, I can't, I can't do this I can't

Angie: 17:12

I feel like I'm being suffocated.

Kristy: 17:14

I need to live on my own. And I don't think it's just the mom thing. I don't, Yes, of course. A, a big part of it is because I'm living with my mom and that in its of, it in of itself has its own suffocating features. But I think about when I was living with my roommate, there wasn't suffocation at all, it just worked out that, him and I are very independent and he really respects my space and I respect his space. There would be days when we might not even say anything to each other at all, you know? And that's totally good with me. Like, I am so good with that. And I felt so blessed that I was able to live with someone who was, who was also like that. And then there's gonna be some days when we'd be like, binge watching Netflix for hours together and like, or having chats about our families, you know? So it's not to say we're antisocial people, it's just I really need that space. And, and when I was out on the road, I freaking loved it. Like I loved being by myself and my mom and your mom are now doing these hikes, you know, every weekend together. And, and I've been doing a lot of hikes like during my road trip back, so my mom and I are like bonding on talking about hiking and, you know, blah, blah blah. And she was like, Oh, it'd be great if we like go on hikes together. And I'm like, Sure. And I'm sometimes, I don't wanna go on hikes with her all the time because one of my favorite things about hiking is doing it by myself. Like, I love hiking by myself. And then I was explaining it to her, like, why I love hiking by, by myself rather than like with another human. And she just like didn't get it or she got it, but it, it was just not something she related. And, and I understand she and I are different people. And then I, I just start thinking of all these like, different, scenarios like my living situation, my, you know, my activities that I like to do. A lot of the times I, I like to do them by myself, and I didn't think that was a problem. Bef I don't, I still don't think they're a problem, but it just, it made me realize how many things I prefer to do alone. Like, I just wanna live by myself. I wanna do things by myself. I wanna cook for myself. I don't wanna cook for other people. Like, I just wanna do things for me when I want to on my schedule however I want it. And that also leads into like, how I find it really, really, really difficult to ask for help. Like, I just, I don't know. It makes me, I, I, I understand the importance of it and. I will reach out when I feel like I need to, but to feel like I need to takes a while for me to get there, you know?

Angie: 20:04

Yep.

Kristy: 20:04

And so then I'm like, Well, then it's really hard for me to imagine like, cohabiting my life with another person. Like, how am I going to live with another Like mom or not like I, how am I gonna live with another human being yet I want this family. Like, I, there, there's like, I want, a partner in my life that will be there when I come home. But yet I like, don't wanna cook for them. I wanna like, have my own schedule. I, I think that's something I need to start learning. And that's why I feel like sometimes I might be too independent, overly independent, and if the life that I want is to have a partner with me where we can live together and have a family, like, not kids as a whole, go to episode, whatever, whatever, about the where we talk about babies, but I mean like just even a family within having each other. If I want that in my life, how, how am I gonna do that? So I feel like, oh shit, I may be too independent. That's something I need to learn to maybe let go of and learn how to cohabit with someone and share my life with someone without, without giving up my own independence as well.

Angie: 21:23

Yes, I have a similar mindset and independence I think is kind of a catch all word for wanting to be self-reliant or self such sufficient. And just also having things under your control. And because I feel like not having to rely on other people, Makes you feel more like you're in control. Cause I have the same thing. If I had to rely on somebody else for something, I feel like it's, I'm constantly out of control because they're not gonna do it how I want them to do it. They're gonna do it wrong, but they're not gonna do it on time. And, and then it's also like, this is one thing I struggle with in my current situation, living with my partner. And that's one of those things where like, I've always been quote unquote independent, but it's one of the, those things where like, I'm trying so hard learning to like be okay with it, but inside I'm like, Ah, So I, I know where you're coming from and I think knowing who you are, like I, I know what you've been through, in your life, in your childhood, and it's a learned behavior because you've had to be independent. You, you've had to be self sufficient, otherwise you would starve. Like you, you had to do that. So to you that felt safe, like waiting on somebody else to cook for you, you might be hungry, but if you cook for yourself, you know that you'll always have a meal. And that kind of security made you feel in control. And we bring that with us to our adulthood and we bring that with us to our adult relationships.

Kristy: 23:07

Wow. I feel so seen right now. Thank you.

Angie: 23:12

and I see you because I have a similar mindset. So in a lot of ways we are very complimentary. We're very opposite. But in this case, I think I relate to your experience a lot, in terms of this is where our independence comes. And we've always both been proud of it. and I've learned slowly as well that sometimes it can hinder. something else that I want in my life and how I've always seen it is that, yeah, it's, it's like a control thing. it's also how we can feel safe. It's a security thing. It's, it's how we've just come to understand our place in the world, our place in a relationship, our place in a family, our place within our parents' world, within our friends' world. like for myself, I know that last time when we talked about adult relationships in episode 51, I spoke how I have these very thin barriers and I let people in all the time. When I think about it, those people that I led in all the time, I had never let them in with the closest circle to me. And to me, that circle around me is the smallest and the thickest because when I let people in, I'm extremely vulnerable. And really the only time I really let people in that closely is my partners. And they see my vulnerable side that other people don't see. And that's something I'm still learning to deal with too, because when I lose a partner, that's a support that I no longer have. So that's a whole other conversation.

Kristy: 24:54

it, it's like, it's like, you know, the walls are thin. It's free cover, Everybody gets to come into the club, but there's this like exclusive v i p club inside the club and very, very select people get to go in there and sometimes it's only just one person, your significant other, and when they leave, then the v i p room is empty.

Angie: 25:18

Yes. And then I feel extremely lonely. Yeah. So that's, where my independence come from and that's where for me, like independence is almost kind of a safety barrier.

Kristy: 25:30

And this is something that I am just learning so new for me because I always thought independence was a good thing. Well, here, let's go on this good versus bad. Let's, let's do this dichotomist shit. I, I didn't realize until now that it's something I need to unlearn. It makes like everything that you had said, it makes sense why I became who I am and why I behave this way. But if I want to have the life that I want in the future, I think this is something I need to start unlearning. And that's new for me. And I'm scared, you know, I'm scared because it feels like there's so many new things in my life now. My v i p room is, is empty and I'm doing this unlearning work on myself, and I'm trying to figure out what to do in my career next.

Angie: 26:20

Yeah,

Kristy: 26:22

it's, it's a very, it's exciting because I feel like I'm actually in a new chapter in my life. Like we're turning 32 this year. When we were approaching 30, we felt like the world was ending and.

Angie: 26:38

Yes,

Kristy: 26:38

And it turned out it was, it was no big deal. It was all good. But now I feel like I'm at a very, I'm at a pivotal point. Is that the right word? Maybe it's not a pivotal point. I feel like I have stepped away from that quote unquote twenties mindset, and I'm ready to step into a new chapter in my life. But going into a new chapter also means I'm grieving the old chapters, which is what I was doing in my twenties up until now, early thirties. So what I'm saying is that the border is not so definitive of like, at 30 you're gonna start a new chapter. And for me it's like I'm approaching 32, but I, I fully feel like I'm starting a new chapter. And that's exciting because I have. Semi idea of what I want now but it's also freakishly scary because there's so much unknowns and the things that made me feel safe, like a, like job security and having a partner, those are no longer there anymore. So I'm nervous. And when it comes to a, a romantic relationship, I've, I've said before that I have jumped from one partner to another, and I really think I need to be single for a while. I think that's going to be really good for me. But it is also scary because that in of itself is new. So there's so many new things happening in my life and just even being single, that experience is new and, and I'm scared and. So often, and then, what did I say often? I mean like the last 48 hours, I keep thinking like, Oh my God, how do I get back out there? Like, you know, like it's not, it's not a stressful thing, but it's just, it just pops in my head like, Oh, I, I should start dating. Oh, I should start doing this. Oh, I should go out and start meeting new people. Let me, let me Google best dating apps 2020 Reddit. And then I'm like, Wait a minute, what am I doing? Like, do I even wanna be dating? Like, no, But it was, it's such a, it's such a automatic response because I'm so used to filling the v i p room that I have to consciously be like, Hold up. You don't even wanna be dating right now. Like, you just, automatically think you need to be dating because that's what you do. But I need to slow down and be single for a while yet I can't help it. I can't help but think like, Oh, I wonder what my next person is gonna be like, or, how am I gonna meet them? And, and then I get scared when I think about that because I'm like, I don't know how to meet a new person. Because all the other previous people were just always within the circles of my life anyways. And they just like leveled up into v i p status. But meeting a new person and like, being on the dating scene, I don't know what, what any of that is like. So again, new and scary. So being single new and scary. And then when I am ready and when I do feel like it's appropriate to date, again, that is also going to be new and.

Angie: 29:41

So there's two points there. The part where you're looking, you're like thinking about, oh, like what's the best dating app? Where, what is my, dating life gonna look like? What is out there? Like, what are my opportunities? Right. I totally get it. But also it's so similar to when we are, let's say for example, you feel you've hit a wall at work, and you're like, Okay, I wonder. Jobs are out there, What other opportunities are out there that's possible? So you start looking through LinkedIn, you start Googling shit to see like, what if I were to change jobs? What kind of job could I go into? So you look, but you don't actually make a move because you're not actually ready for a new job. You're just thinking, okay, well if I'm no longer happy, then what? What can I do? Right? So it's, it is like planting those seeds. So I totally like see the parallel between those two.

Kristy: 30:36

All the, all our poop troops who are like quiet quitting are like, Yes, I do that. I do that. Okay, so here's the thing. Here's a tiny little bit of a difference, is that when we do that, we are already in a job most of the time, right? So you're like, and then you're just curious to see what is out there, but you're not ready to leave your old job yet. For me, I'm like unemployed and I'm looking and I'm, And then you get, you know?

Angie: 31:03

You get more desperate

Kristy: 31:05

Yes, exactly, Exactly. There's desperation. Whereas if you're already in a job, there's less desperation. It's more of a curiosity.

Angie: 31:13

Yeah, so

Kristy: 31:15

And the parallel is that I am actually doing that because I am jobless, I'm unemployed,

Angie: 31:22

you're living both. the both parallels. I mean, yeah, like when, when we're in jobs, it because it's not, frowned. Like it's not taboo to be looking at other jobs when you have a job. So we do it. And when you're unemployed, you're more desperate because you need money. Like we need money to live. but I do know some people who quit their job took some time off because they're like, Okay, I'm gonna cut back on my expenses, cut back on my lifestyle, and I'm just gonna take a few months to figure out what I wanna do. And it's not common because a lot of people maybe don't have that privilege, but it's totally doable. And I think the same situation is for you, it's totally doable for relationship wise as well, like taking a few months, you can afford it. Right now you're not. you're not like, Oh, I need to have babies by the time I'm 35. You know, you don't have any like, conditions that you must fulfill now. Whereas like if you're desperate for a job, cause you're like, I need to pay my fucking rent. So I'm desperate for a job. But you can afford it. you can afford taking time on that because you don't want kids anyway. And as you get older and people are more clear about what they want, when you actually enter the dating pool, you'll be able to meet people who are on the same page.

Kristy: 32:34

I fully agree and that's exactly what I wanna be doing is, is taking that break. It's just, I have to consciously remind myself like, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, hold up. You need to take a break. Cuz innately I'm like, Oh my God, I need to, go back to dating. I need to like, you know, find my partner now. And, and then I'm like, No, like slow down. You need to take this break. And, and like, so I think what I'm trying to say is I have to actively remind. to calm the fuck down.

Angie: 33:06

Yes, and, and you should be, and you should take your time. Everything I said is logical, but again, emotions are not logical. So my advice is more, you know, for later as well. but yeah, you need that right now to keep reminding yourself. You need that time to process and that's where you're at. And I think that's totally normal and super healthy.

Kristy: 33:26

Thanks,

Angie: 33:26

Yeah. I mean, I think everything you're doing is great and coming from a very logical perspective. I had a while ago I had read a lot of articles about, being together, Living Apart. I think there's an acronym for it, but it's mostly for slightly older people or people who have been through divorces or people basically they go, I wanna live on my own, but I don't want to be single. And there are people who are, There was a couple of examples of, couples who are either long-term partners or married, but they don't live together, which is kind of an interesting concept. It's definitely very fringe and it's not mainstream, but I can see where they're coming from. I don't know if it's for me, but I can totally say why people have made that choice. I think a lot of it comes from the fact that as we get older, we feel more secure about ourselves and we feel more secure by ourselves. And if you have all those securities checked off a list that maybe you no longer see living with somebody as another source of security, because the, I think the biggest, factor of having a relationship, having a job being such similar, like approaches in life, like what the examples that we made about how they're parallel. It's not because a job is like a partner. We're not getting paid to be with somebody. It's not transactional. We, we we're not reducing relationships down to a transactional thing. What it is, is that they both give us security

Kristy: 35:03

So I'm curious,, being together, living apart might not be something that you want in your life. So what is it about living with your partner that appeals to you?

Angie: 35:14

It just feels like a family. I've always, same thing as you, I just always wanted my own family, and in the past I saw that family as like kids, but now I'm like, okay. I still feel like we're a family, especially since we have a dog and we call her the baby Like literally like if one of us is at work, like working at the office, we'll like message the other person. How's the baby doing? And then I'll, Or like one time I'm, I was like at the grocery store and I'm like, Oh, what's the baby doing? And and Nick was like, Oh, she's asleep. I was like, Oh, good baby And I was like, I was like, Can you send me a photo of her? Cuz she always looks so cute when she's sleeping. And this was like when we first had her, so I'm pretty sure if people overheard me talking on the phone, they would legit think I was talking about like a human baby. But no, I was talking about our dog So

Kristy: 36:10

pets are the new babies after all right,

Angie: 36:12

Exactly. And they, and ever since having, like Evie and raising her together, Yeah, it feels like a family. And I think living together gives me that sense of security in that I have a family and that's why I would choose to live with a.

Kristy: 36:27

me too. That's exactly why. Yeah.

Angie: 36:31

Yeah. And if that's something you want, yes. You will have to learn to compromise I think I said that to you other day. I was like, Ugh. Remember when you used to come over and we would do podcast stuff together and every time you entered I would like make sure everything was like a little bit cleaned up, like no clutter. I would like put my diffuser on and it would smell so nice that you would come over and it was like an oasis. And we like put the kettle on, make some tea. It was like, great. And now I, every time I walk into the apartment I'm like, Ugh, so messy. And it's not, And I'm not blaming Nick. It's both of us because I'm living here with somebody else. I have less free time and I have less like idleness. There are. What is that? I don't know. There's less idleness, Is that a word?

Kristy: 37:18

Yeah,

Angie: 37:19

less idle. Yeah. So because of that, I'm not really like cleaning. If I get bored, like before I would be like, Oh, let me tidy up here, clean here. Oh, it would look so pretty now. I feel so calm right now. Like the whole place is kind of chaotic because life is kind of chaotic. so I'm just like, Yolo, whatever, and it, it's a compromise. And there'll be days where I'm like, I really miss what my apartment used to look like and what it used to feel like. But that's the compromise that I'm making and it's daily. It's not like I made the compromise when he first moved in, when we first started living together, when we first got Evie, which coincided, but I made the, I made the decision to be like, Okay, I'm gonna sacrifice some things. I'm gonna make a compromise. But it's still like, sometimes it's still a. Not every day, but it'll be like moments here and there where I have to remind myself there was a reason why I chose this

Kristy: 38:18

I chose this, I chose this

Angie: 38:20

Yes, I chose this. I wanted this.

Kristy: 38:24

Oh man. I feel like so many of our poop troops could relate, whether it's cohabiting with someone or having actual kids or, you know, having pets that are basically your kids. And I feel like I'm, I'm definitely not there yet. I'm, I'm trying to get to the point where I can have my own apartment and, you know, create my own oasis before I even. Start learning how to cohabit with someone. But I feel like some of that work in, in letting go of the independence will be very helpful and start doing that now. I don't know how, but start doing that now so that when I am ready to cohabit with someone, I'm not saying I'm not gonna go through the same frustrations. I probably would feel even more frustrated

Angie: 39:12

Well, I don't know about that because I think you are more patient than am.

Kristy: 39:17

I dunno, man that's very nice of you, but I don't think I'm patient. yeah, I think trying to, at least right now I recognize I may be overly independent and I'm gonna have to figure out how to unlearn that so that when I am ready to cohabit with someone, hopefully that it would make things easier or at least baseline.

Angie: 39:42

You would have a baseline? I don't know if it would make things easier. I think if anything it would make any, something harder because let's say you're living at home with your mom and then you end up in a long-term relationship, you decide to move in with them. It's probably an upgrade in some sense because you, you'll still be able to be independent and at that point, like, I don't know, I just, obviously it's always nice to live with someone that's not your mom. That's, I think that's universal. It's not because we don't love them, it's, it's universal. Like we need to be independent from them and, Yeah. So whereas like if you, I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying be prepared if you live. By yourself for a while. You're gonna start to have certain standards and have certain ways of doing things, and you decide to move in with somebody that's, you're gonna need a whole new system. I know, I know. It's horrifying to think about,

Kristy: 40:38

it's

Angie: 40:39

it when I think about like the baseline happiness and happiness, like it's not like the content and the fulfillment, like feeling stable and not feeling like there's a hole in your life. Not that I'm saying one person will fill all that hole, but I think they provide some sort of a base like foundation. At least for me, it feels like, okay, there's this one thing that's very solid in my life. Then when other things aren't so. I don't feel like my life is falling apart. Like if a job's not going well or if a drama happens with family or friends kind of thing. That's why they say, Oh, like my blah blah, blah is my rock. because it does provide that sense of security. So in the end, I wanna say it's worth it right now because I just heard him put away dishes. But maybe when the kitchen's a mess. I won't say this, anything. So it fluctuates. It does fluctuate, but you know, in, in summary, that's like as long as it's a net positive, nothing is all good or all bet net positive is what I look for. So yeah, there's a lot of micro frustrations. Let's, let's talk about that micro

Kristy: 41:58

I feel like when I get there, that's gonna be another, a new episode topic for us. When I'm in

Angie: 42:04

new chapter as well. Yeah. And that's something like, it's scary to think about, but it's also exciting as well, cuz it'll be another new chapter in your life when it does happen. And right now you get to focus on this chapter, which is great. Not to say that you won't have all these other anxieties. Like maybe when you woke up, and you felt this knot in your stomach and you were like, Ah. Like I don't know what's gonna happen. And that anxiety just comes from the fact that you're like, Okay, well what's my rock right now? Cause like you said, you're unemployed and you're unmarried

Kristy: 42:37

I'm single and I'm unemployed. I

Angie: 42:42

and you're homeless, you're squatting in somebody else's house,

Kristy: 42:47

I am, I am. This is literally like the beginning of a romcom chick flick,

Angie: 42:53

yes. Be your own main character. Yes. This is totally be your own chick, and that's the best part of a new chapter. It totally feels like a romcom. You are now the main character of this new movie, and you should have all the fun possible.

Kristy: 43:11

In summary, I am homeless single, and I have no job. And it's very scary, but kind of exciting and I feel like this is the new chapter of my life.

Angie: 43:22

I feel like we should pop some champagne. Why not? Right? Like we should start celebrating change rather than like, Of course there's grief. Of course there's anxiety and there's all that stuff, but it shouldn't just be one dimensional, It shouldn't be just all sad. We're all grief, we're all upsetting. There should also be celebrations of other good things like, you know, there's, there's such thing as toxic, toxic positivity. There's also toxic negativity. So we just need to find a good balance. So yes, next time I see you, let's pop some bubbly

Kristy: 43:55

Oh my gosh. I'm very excited cuz you know, I love bubblies. are my favorite. Yeah. And I feel like this episode there's a lot more positivity than I had anticipated before we even started recording. And I think this in of itself is an example of how. It's not one or the other. You know, it's, Yes, I've just broken up with someone that is, is, very near and dear and it is very sad. It is a very sad, grieving moment. But at the same time, I can also be excited and I can also talk about popping champagne because it's never one dimensional. It's very complicated and life is complicated and it's messy. And so there's gonna be grief, but there's also gonna be excitement. And sometimes that can happen at the same time. They don't always happen at the same time. But sometimes it can. And sometimes you can allow yourself to feel all range of feelings and, and emotions. And that's, In fact, it's probably a good thing.

Angie: 44:59

I think it's a good thing to recognize that. Yeah. And you're, you're gonna have days where you feel really down and have moments where the grief takes over and it's. More grief and anxiety than the other emotions. But I think recognizing that that's okay and that and that when you do feel good emotions and that's okay as well. Like there's no guilt or shame in feeling either of those. It's very healthy and mature and I'm happy to see it. And I'm happy that you're doing okay.

Kristy: 45:31

For a single homeless jobless person.

Angie: 45:36

Yes. Yes. This is a good example that you don't need all these things to be okay.

Kristy: 45:41

Because I have good friends.

Angie: 45:44

You have good friends. I mean, obviously we we're joking about the homelessness. is taking a light on a very serious situation. obviously Kristy does have a place to live, so it's still a privilege.

Kristy: 45:59

Yeah, I think that's it.

Angie: 46:01

How do you feel?

Kristy: 46:02

That was definitely a lot more like happy go lucky than I expected.

Angie: 46:06

In a good way or in a bad way?

Kristy: 46:08

In a good way. Yeah.

Angie: 46:10

Because I also don't wanna take away from your grief either. I don't want it to be like, Oh, it should, it should all be happy rainbows. Happy rainbows,

Kristy: 46:22

what are

Angie: 46:22

have emotions. shouldn't be all happy rainbows and joyful unicorns. of course. Yeah. So I hope I didn't take away from your grief.

Kristy: 46:35

No, I think it just, it reminds me that I can feel all sorts of things while going through this grief, while trying to process that, Oh, this person is no longer in my life. I think one of the hardest part about the breakup is trying to preserve and respect the memories of that relationship that we had because it was just so good and I don't wanna, I don't want to forget it and I don't want to reduce it, you know, I just, I wanna put it into a little box and tie it with a pretty bow and like put it in the back of the closet with all of the joy and the hurt and the pain and the happiness that came with it, and, I don't want to reduce it to just like a small handful of memories because that would be really sad.

Angie: 47:29

why don't you do that? Like physically get a box, put parts of the relationship that remind you of these moments and wrap it in a pretty bow, if that helps your grieving process. Why not? It might sound a bit cliche or romcom heavy, but again, you're now the main star of your own romcom. You do whatever you want.

Kristy: 47:55

That does sound nice.

Angie: 47:56

I think so

Kristy: 47:57

Okay, I'll do that.

Angie: 47:58

If that's something that's crossed your mind like, Oh, I want to put it into this little box, it would be really nice.

Kristy: 48:04

I meant metaphorically, but

Angie: 48:08

metaphorically sometimes when you act out metaphors, it's nice. It's like, when, what happened, what did I do? I mean, you don't have to do it. Well, my first boyfriend, in high school, I was like in grade 10, grade 11, and when we broke up, I was really upset. So I took these like love letters that he had written to me, and I'm like, I'm gonna burn them. I'm like, No, that's, there's too much rage in burning them. I don't wanna burn them. So I'm like, Okay, I'll like throw them into a fountain. Throw into the fountain. And it got all soggy I'm like, Wait a minute, now it's garbage. Now I so had this idea of how ro like how romantic in the sense of like a movie, how very like, you know, it would like be like sensing it, like floating away in the fountain just got like soaked and looked really gross and I was like, Okay, I'll just away.

Kristy: 49:06

the scene that doesn't show up on movies where the, where the person has to go and like fish out these like wet, soggy pieces of paper from the fountain and actually dispose of them properly.

Angie: 49:17

Yeah. So that was my experience when I tried to do something romantic, I was like, Oh, It's not a good idea.

Kristy: 49:28

Okay. But the actual Yeah, the box thing. Yeah. I'm literally thinking about, have you seen to all the boys I've ever loved,

Angie: 49:35

Yes,

Kristy: 49:36

you know that hat box where she kept all the letters? So it's not gonna be that box, but like that's what I'm picturing right now

Angie: 49:43

Yeah, it's very cute. Yeah, I think so too. Yeah.

Kristy: 49:50

Healing. Okay.

Angie: 49:52

I don't know how to end this

Kristy: 49:54

I don't know either and maybe it's not like because it isn't an end. This whole story that we talked about today is more of a beginning,

Angie: 50:02

That's right, that's true.

Kristy: 50:03

so I think we'll just leave it at that until. Until the next episode of our shit. Where we see where, where else life will take us.

Angie: 50:12

Thanks for listening to this episode.

Kristy: 50:15

Okay. Bye.

Angie: 50:16

Bye.

Kristy: 50:47

We're having hot pot tomorrow at my house. and I think, I guess like little things like that I'm a semi nervous for because, since we started having family dinner with my, with my grandma and like that side of the family, Mr. Lobster had always been there,

Angie: 51:04

Oh

Kristy: 51:05

so it was like he was there before my family was there, you know? And so every family dinner, he was always there. And this is gonna be the first family dinner where he's not there. And that's weird. They're gonna ask questions,

Angie: 51:18

oh, no.

Kristy: 51:20

be the Yeah. Especially my aunt who was the typical Chinese

Angie: 51:26

Okay, let's rehearse. What are you gonna say?

Kristy: 51:28

Oh God. I don't, I'm

Angie: 51:30

say like, he had to spend Thanksgiving dinner with his family?

Kristy: 51:36

no, I'm just gonna tell them like, we broke up. And they'll be like, Why? And they'll be, We grew apart.

Angie: 51:41

Mm. Okay.

Kristy: 51:42

That's, that's my plan. And then just leave it at at that.

Angie: 51:45

Okay.

Kristy: 51:46

Yeah.

Angie: 51:47

ask, just be like, I don't wanna talk about it. It's very recent.

Kristy: 51:50

I don't know how to

Angie: 51:51

Huh?

Kristy: 51:52

in Chinese

Angie: 51:54

Yeah. Don't watch me anymore. Mo. I don't know. Yeah,

Kristy: 52:00

That's so like angry teenager

Angie: 52:03

I know I'm joking, but that, but you know, those are the words that we know.

Kristy: 52:07

Exactly. And that's like probably how I respond, which is why my mom thinks I'm just some angry teenager all the

Angie: 52:13

Yeah, mom. It's not that I'm an angry teenager. I have the vocabulary of a teenager.