5. How I Was Diagnosed With Depression At 12

Kristy talks about her diagnosis with depression and anxiety at age 12 as well as what happened after she got discharged from the psych ward. We explore how her first encounter with mental health professionals has changed the way she views the healthcare and public school system in the 00s compared to what it is like today.  

Highlights:  

• Kristy’s genius idea and how well it worked out  
• What does it mean to be labeled a “troubled kid” in the school system 
• Sharing the same psychiatrist as your dad 

Takeaway: 

• Labels do not define you. Neither does your diagnosis 
• You don’t need to have a full-blown anxiety attack before seeking mental health support  
• Mental health symptoms often start small and unrecognized  
• Toxic masculinity is a huge disadvantage for boys/men. It blinds everyone from noticing mental health symptoms  

Let Kristy & Angie what cringy and uncomfortable conversation topics you would like to listen to!

Record us a 60-second voice message and share with us your thoughts, comments, or questions. Drop your love here!

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Email: shitwedonttellmom@gmail.com 

Transcript

[00:00:00] Kristy Yee: 

[00:00:24] welcome to episode four

[00:00:25] Angie Yu: We lied. This is episode five

[00:00:28] Kristy Yee: , where we're going to be talking about Christie's diagnosis.

[00:00:32] That's what D means. 

[00:00:33] Angie Yu: in case you were wondering it's not the D that you think we're saving that for another 

[00:00:38] Kristy Yee: episode or, and it could be the D that they're thinking. I mean, you don't know. 

[00:00:42] Angie Yu: That's true. I don't know what you're thinking about. I don't know.

[00:00:44] Your life

[00:00:45] Kristy Yee: in the last couple of episodes, Angie and I, talked a bit about our childhood experiences, a bit of our backstory and we weren't really planning on doing it this way, but now it's. Kind of like a mini series now, because the next couple of episodes, we're going to be talking about our diagnoses, which is related to the childhood stories that we've talked about.

[00:01:09] So you haven't listened to those, check those out episodes two and three, in those couple of episodes, we claimed our emotional baggage. And a lot of it has to do with some of the stuff that we've experienced as a child, because, you know, that's where it all begins.

[00:01:23] And that's where we as adults, we carry all of that stuff with us to where we are in adulthood.. And in the next couple of episodes, we're going to be talking about our diagnoses. 

[00:01:32] Angie Yu: That's right. So Christie, why don't you kick off today's episode by giving us a quick recap of what episode two was about.

[00:01:40] Maybe in like three sentences or less 

[00:01:43] Kristy Yee: go. Okay. three sentences. They're just going to have a lot of semi-colons in their sentences. uh, Uh, 

[00:01:50] quick recap. there was an incident in grade seven where I ended up choking a girl. I know it's wrong. but that happened . I owned up to it and then it led me to the mental health unit. I don't even know what it's called, but it's definitely a psych ward in the children's hospital.

[00:02:04] um, and that's where we left off. after I got discharged from the hospital, I'm sure I got officially diagnosed in the hospital probably because there's doctors in hospitals.

[00:02:12] what I remember is after I got discharged I ended up. Needing to see a psychiatrist. Well, when I say needing, I mean like the adults in my life, like set it all up and did everything. And then I just showed up at the appointment And that was when I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

[00:02:29] Angie Yu: that's 

[00:02:30] Kristy Yee: a lot 

[00:02:30] Angie Yu: for a 12 year old. I can imagine to just be like, Hey, take these antidepressants and antianxiety medication, like, right. I'm imagining the fact that you went to a psychiatrist means that there was a lot of medication involved. 

[00:02:44] Kristy Yee: I definitely remember there was medications through, out the whole journey.

[00:02:48] I don't remember being like. A lot, a lot. Um, it wasn't like I'm popping 10 pills a day or anything like that. I do remember having to experiment with a lot of different types of medications. I probably had at least four different types . And I think towards the end they just kinda gave up and they're like, nah, this is good enough.

[00:03:06] Let's just keep you on this one. You seem all 

[00:03:09] Angie Yu: right. And as a 12 year old girl who, you know, the last good memory you have was like, well, sorry, not have that makes you sound really, really sad, but 

[00:03:19] you go from, swinging on the swings to like now taking medication. , how did twelve-year-old Christie feel about that?

[00:03:26] Kristy Yee: it happened so quickly. after I got discharged, . Um, the school needed to figure out whether or not I was gonna go back to school.

[00:03:34] Um,  and then also in terms of having medical support, what does that going to look like? And so after I got discharged, there was a lot of decisions to be made about my wellbeing. And throughout the whole time, of course, nobody talked to me about it and I'm thinking like, okay, yeah, we don't really ask.

[00:03:51] For 12 year olds consent, we asked for their parents' consent. And I see that. But when you were 12 years old, or at least when I was 12 years old, it doesn't seem like I'm 12 years old. , I'm my own person. I need to be respected too. my opinion also matters. So why was I not involved in any of these conversations?

[00:04:07] So at the time I felt like all of these things were happening but I also don't know what was happening and I would only know until I show up. no one was like, Hey, tomorrow you're going to be seeing a psychiatrist.

[00:04:18] This is what it's gonna look like. you might talk about these things, you know, maybe you'll go on medication. there was no debrief. It was like, I just, I just showed up. You were just 

[00:04:27] Angie Yu: escorted 

[00:04:27] Kristy Yee: to wherever 

[00:04:28] Angie Yu: these adults figured you should be going.

[00:04:30] Kristy Yee: Exactly. Yeah. Escorted. what ended up happening was, the school , they had suspended me and I think that was just a stall. And then eventually they ended up expelling me. And so I had to move to another school. And then at the same time, I believe is my family doctor.

[00:04:46] They were the ones who either recommended or referred me to the psychiatrist. I remember the first time going to the psychiatrist office. So vividly. I remember going into this medical building. Going up the escalators getting onto a particular floor, walking down the hallway, showing up at the office store.

[00:05:05] And I thought to myself, is this going to be the office door? And then we opened the office door. We walk in we're at the waiting room and I'm like, yup. That was the office door because I recognize this entire building. I recognize that elevator. I recognize this. Waiting room that I'm in. I even recognize the QM FM radio that was playing.

[00:05:28] Oh my God. 

[00:05:28] What 

[00:05:28] Kristy Yee: was the reception that, yes, QM FM y'all loved it ever since. Okay. And the reason for that was because this is my dad's psychiatrist office.

[00:05:39] Angie Yu: Like the same psychiatrist. 

[00:05:43] Kristy Yee: Yeah. somewhere along the way, I ended up being referred to the same doctor that was treating my dad for his own mental health challenges. And I have been in this office multiple, multiple times because he would go in for his sessions. And I was sitting in this waiting room, listening to KU MFM.

[00:06:03] And here I am again, but instead of waiting in the waiting room, I'm actually behind the other door, the door that I never entered before. 

[00:06:12] Angie Yu: what was that like seeing like, this is probably somewhere that you never expected yourself to be like as a patient, you, you knew that this was a place you went with your dad because he had some mental health challenges to address.

[00:06:25] Kristy Yee: I didn't really know. What he was there for really, I wasn't really sure what kind of a doctor this person was. Cause I don't think I knew the word psychiatrist.

[00:06:35] Yeah, that's all pretty complicated words. And I don't think I understood the differences between psychiatrists and psychologists and, you know, counselors, social worker. I didn't really know. Um, I knew that my dad came to this office. I knew that he needed to take pills for his.

[00:06:52] Moods. I didn't know what they were. I still don't know what his diagnosis was he actually stopped seeing this psychiatrist, for quite a number of years. I'm not sure. Oh, now that I'm thinking, but now that I'm saying this out loud, I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I also saw this psychiatrist 

[00:07:08] Angie Yu: did this psychiatrist.

[00:07:10] Recognize you, or at least recognize your last name or even your address. 

[00:07:14] Kristy Yee: I have no idea. 

[00:07:15] Angie Yu: wouldn't, this psychiatrist have known that.

[00:07:18] You guys were related, 

[00:07:19] Kristy Yee: you would think that somewhere along the way someone would be like, Hmm, maybe this is not very ethical, but I don't know. , maybe it doesn't fall under, any code of ethics, cause like you, you could have a whole family see the dentist for example.

[00:07:32] Angie Yu: Yeah, but 

[00:07:33] Kristy Yee: you 

[00:07:33] Angie Yu: don't bitch about your other teeth, like your, your, your teeth doesn't bitch about your mom's teeth. 

[00:07:39] Kristy Yee: Like I. 

[00:07:41] Angie Yu: I think it is a, some sort of like violation maybe that conflict of interest didn't exist back then. Like, do you think this speaks to what you mentioned in episode two, about how you found the whole system to be very outdated?

[00:07:55] Like when you were, when you first got to the hospital, you said all these experts, all these people were coming in and asking you the same questions over and over again, because their systems probably just didn't talk to each other and I'm guessing, you know, like what was this like 18 years ago?

[00:08:12] Yeah, yeah. Like that that's a whole adult. 

[00:08:16] Kristy Yee: Jesus 

[00:08:17] Angie Yu: never thought about it like that before. Um, maybe the psychiatrist just didn't know. 

[00:08:22] Kristy Yee: I think it could be a lot of those things. I think it could be, the system was outdated. I think it could be, this whole conflict of interest wasn't even an issue.

[00:08:31] I think it could be. There's just loss of communication somewhere down the way, because there were so many people involved in making these decisions for me. And. I could easily imagine, even now , someone just didn't check something. Yeah. 

[00:08:45] Angie Yu: and no matter what happened, whether it was a systemic error or a human error of some sort, 

[00:08:51] none of it takes away from how unpleasant it must've been.

[00:08:54] Kristy Yee: Oh, it was so fucked. Okay. I must say there was one moment of like, Pure excitement because I've never seen the other side of the door. My dad would always disappear into that door and I just hang out in the weight room. And this was a shitty waiting room too. This is why I remember it so vividly because it wasn't like any other doctor's offices where there'll be those toys, you know, those balls that you like move on a piece of wire 

[00:09:17] Angie Yu: from one side to the other, the ones that are made for toddlers.

[00:09:21] Kristy Yee: Yes. Love those who love. Love, love. 

[00:09:24] Angie Yu: And the toddlers, 

[00:09:25] Kristy Yee: I like 

[00:09:28] Angie Yu: colors. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. You like colors. Okay. 

[00:09:33] Kristy Yee: At least we had entertainment, they'll have books and you know, things like that. That's what, as a kid, you associate a doctor's office to be 

[00:09:40] right. Not this doctor, this doctor had Q MFM playing and this, that old ass, national geographics. And they had these like, 1970s, wood panel walls. everything was just Brown. So 

[00:09:53] Angie Yu: definitely not a child, so it was not 

[00:09:56] Kristy Yee: fun. So, so I'm like, Oh, I finally get to see what's on the other side of this door.

[00:10:00] That's so fucking exciting. And now my dad's going to be the one sitting in the weight room, you know, like ha. And so the roles 

[00:10:08] Angie Yu: have reversed because right. 

[00:10:10] Kristy Yee: . I get to go in and then I go in and there's this huge room . And how I remember it is 

[00:10:15] you got this like big room and you have all these couches and not just fucking one couch. It's like multiple couches. Okay., um, and this dude, this doctor, he was an older Asian man and the room itself for a moment. It was cool. And then it was like, Oh, I don't feel like I fit in here because everything was leather couches, tall as heavy book cases.

[00:10:38] It feels like I should have a whiskey and a cigar, uh, like a 

[00:10:42] Angie Yu: country club. 

[00:10:43] Kristy Yee: No, like an old boys gentleman's club. 

[00:10:45] Angie Yu: Yeah. I mean like country 

[00:10:47] Kristy Yee: club is that Oh, country club. So when you said country, I just thought of country music and I'm like, no, no, not cowboy type leather. 

[00:10:55] Angie Yu: like, like golf clubs, like golf, 

[00:10:57] Kristy Yee: golf clubs, like country clubs, like darker, lots of dark Brown and behold agony.

[00:11:03] Just not, 

[00:11:05] Angie Yu: not very warm and inviting to a 12 year old girl. 

[00:11:09] Kristy Yee: Not for me. I'm sure it was fine for my dad. I'm sure he had a grand old time. But I was like, Oh, I just not felt good. Not felt good. I feel good.

[00:11:22] And, um, \ I think also the fact that this doctor was an older gentleman of Asian descent, it just fucking reminds me of my dad. Right. And so. He asked me all these, I don't remember what the questions specifically were, but I remember, things about stuff that I don't want to talk about.

[00:11:38] Like my feelings, my behaviors, all of that. And I'm like, I can't answer any of these because what have you told my dad? You don't mean your kid. You don't want to tell adults things because you don't want it to ever go back to your parents. I think that is a very reasonable thing that most kids think about.

[00:11:53] So needless to say, I didn't stick around with him much longer. I think after the second session.

[00:11:58] I told my school counselor, is this the one 

[00:12:01] Angie Yu: that went with you and your parents to the hospital in the first place? 

[00:12:04] Kristy Yee: Yes. she was. one of the very few adults in my life that I felt comfortable with and that I felt like I could trust.

[00:12:11] I think also because she was younger and she was kind of hip, you know, like she tried to be cool with the kids, you know? anyways, I finally told her and I'm like, Hey, it's super weird to be talking to my dad's psychiatrist.

[00:12:20] And she was like, Whoa, what do you mean? I'm like, yeah, this dude that I am now seeing. Yeah. My dad sees him too. And she's like, huh. And then I stopped seeing, 

[00:12:30] Angie Yu: I think from the sounds of it, it sounds like it was definitely a conflict of interest and nobody. Even thought to do anything about it until your counselor heard it.

[00:12:38] So she's, sounds great. Like the fact that she got you out of there, as soon as you told her, I can see why you trusted her and I can see why you didn't trust your dad's psychiatrist. Like that's so 

[00:12:49] Kristy Yee: odd. I think now that I'm talking about it and I'm reflecting, I'm thinking she asks me about.

[00:12:54] Stuff. Like she asked me what's going on, , how are things with this psychiatrist? She's asking for my opinions. And she's asking for my feedback, whereas this entire duration, I was not part of any conversations. . that school counselor, Obviously I stopped seeing her afterwards because I moved schools, but she involves me in the conversation at least to the extent that she could 

[00:13:17] and at least she asked me about stuff. and I'm grateful for that. Otherwise, I feel like it would have taken a lot longer for people to realize that I have the same psychiatrist as my dad. 

[00:13:26] Angie Yu: And after you stopped seeing the psychiatrist, like, so he diagnosed you with. Anxiety and depression. 

[00:13:31] Kristy Yee: I don't know if he's the one who actually diagnosed me.

[00:13:34] Logically I think that should have been another hospital. Okay. Yeah. Right. Okay. Because I did started to take pills since I was in the psych ward. 

[00:13:42] Angie Yu: how long did you take them for. When did 

[00:13:44] Kristy Yee: you stop? Oh, that's a tough question at least two years.

[00:13:47] Okay. 

[00:13:47] Angie Yu: So you went on for a while um, and then you got expelled and you went to a different school. 

[00:13:52] Kristy Yee: Yeah. That must 

[00:13:52] Angie Yu: have been very confusing. Cause you're like, Hey, one moment I was just swinging on a swing. 

[00:13:57] Kristy Yee: I know. 

[00:13:59] Angie Yu: And next thing you know, you're like, Oh my God, my life has completely changed.

[00:14:03] Kristy Yee: I mean, , it definitely escalated really quickly. Um, but I also feel like, it makes sense. because there was other Hmm, how should I put this? I think if you look at the checklist, I came from a quote, unquote broken family.

[00:14:17] Should I even put quotes around that? 

[00:14:18] Angie Yu: do you think that you come from a broken family? 

[00:14:21] Kristy Yee: I came from a family where my parents were split up, so it was unconventional. So I think in those definitions then yes, it was a broken family. Yeah, 

[00:14:30] Angie Yu: but you don't see it as broken.

[00:14:31] It's just different. 

[00:14:32] Kristy Yee: Well, for me, that was my normal. Right. Like, I didn't see that as different until someone else had pointed it out to me. And this was at school, yeah. So it wasn't until someone was like, Oh, your parents live separately. Like you have two houses that you live at and I'm like, yeah, it doesn't everybody like dope.

[00:14:50] My dad has a house, my mom has a house. It's awesome. And they're like, no, like we all live together under one roof. And that was when I learned the word divorce. This was like kindergarten. Oh, Whoa. Yeah. When I first started school, because I didn't have anybody else to compare myself with. So I thought my life was the norm? Right? Um, and then when I started kindergarten, I met my first friend

[00:15:10] um, and I told her about my family and then she was like, Oh, that means your parents are divorced. And I'm like, the fuck does that word mean? And she's like, Oh, that means your parents are split up. I didn't say fuck. 

[00:15:18] Angie Yu: I mean, to be fair, I agree with you. I don't think that the word broken should be used to describe family.

[00:15:24] Because. There is no one conventional way and there shouldn't be 

[00:15:28] Kristy Yee: not anymore that I think back then, this is not even that back then. This was like 2002. So we're going back to grade seven where it's like, okay, well Christy is checking a lot of these check boxes.

[00:15:38] So one the quote unquote broken family, what else. , I've had some incidents before where it showed like weird or strange behaviors. So that is a red flag. And then the cherry on top is that this unexpected quiet girl.

[00:15:54] Cause I was like the quiet. Studious girl in school. And I don't,

[00:15:59] Angie Yu: I'm sorry, but in all of the stories, this is the most shocking thing to me, 

[00:16:07] Kristy Yee: dude. I went to a psych ward, but I guess that was episode two. 

[00:16:10] 

[00:16:14] Kristy Yee: so I was checking off all these check boxes and I could totally see why these are all red flags and the school just didn't know. How to handle it. And I think in some way, I think the school acted pretty progressively by identifying the fact that, Oh, she needed support and she needed help.

[00:16:31] and maybe we're not equipped to do that. So let's take her to the hospital and, our school doesn't have that support program For her. So she can't be in our school anymore, but there's this other elementary school nearby and they have a special ed program.

[00:16:46] And so maybe she can go there. So in some ways I totally see why.

[00:16:50] I think now I appreciate what they had done in. A certain degree. 

[00:16:55] Angie Yu: Yeah. Cause it made you , so much more resilient like emotionally resilient, et cetera, et cetera. 

[00:16:59] Kristy Yee: I also have a really cool backstory now. 

[00:17:02] Angie Yu: while you were talking, I was, I started thinking like, You were being bullied by this kid.

[00:17:07] You're also a kid and you just wanted to fight back and stand up for yourself. Like, I've done the same thing before I kicked. She was my friend too. I kicked her in the coochie. Like I was just like, she spat in my face and I was like, uh, what, excuse me. That's so disrespectful. So the first thing I thought of that was disrespectful back was I kicked her in the coochie.

[00:17:32] Kristy Yee: So mean, I 

[00:17:33] Angie Yu: mean, kids are mean, 

[00:17:34] Kristy Yee: mean 

[00:17:35] Angie Yu: but like kids are mean, but like none of us got in trouble for it. I think actually, no, I think a teacher saw, pulled us over. I was like, what's going on? and then we explained that we were fighting and then he let us go.

[00:17:46] Kristy Yee: Maybe it's because 

[00:17:47] Angie Yu: we were quote unquote friends. but I was thinking like, you know, you always see boys roughhousing, like you had zero intention of killing this girl. You choked her because you were defending yourself. 

[00:17:59] Kristy Yee: I didn't actually want to hurt her. words didn't do anything. So I just wanted to take it to the next level. So she knows that, she needs to leave me alone. 

[00:18:07] Angie Yu: Yeah.

[00:18:08] So you took it to the next level, which was violence. And I was wondering 

[00:18:11] Kristy Yee: how much it 

[00:18:12] Angie Yu: escalated. Like, what would this have happened if you two were boys? 

[00:18:17] Kristy Yee: Hmm, very interesting. 

[00:18:19] Angie Yu: I feel like back then, especially like 18 years ago, if boys were just rough housing, they like punch each other, kicked each other.

[00:18:27] I'm pretty sure boys choked each other too. Like, I don't think they would just be like, Hey, this boy has. Mental problems. Let's take him to the psych ward. 

[00:18:35] Kristy Yee: And 

[00:18:36] Angie Yu: , like people always say, Hey, girls mature faster than boys, but I don't actually think it has anything to do with gender.

[00:18:43] I almost said race. I don't think it has anything to do with gender. Like I think it's just the fact that boys used to get away with so much more. And because of that, it hinders their emotional growth and emotional maturity. And that's like a very common observation made by a lot of people who are experts in that area.

[00:19:00] so I don't know. I'm not saying that that's guaranteed the truth, but I'm saying like, I'm seeing that pattern here because I do wonder what would have happened if you're a boy and the other kid was a boy too. 

[00:19:12] Kristy Yee: I have never thought about it. In those ways before. I feel like in some way that is a disadvantage to boys, because even though what had happened to me was really intense like maybe the repercussions shouldn't have gone the way it did.

[00:19:28] but I also feel like. if most folks just apply the stereotype, like, okay, boys will be boys LIDAR, move on. Right. Then I feel like if these boys really did needed some support and was going through some challenges, it wouldn't be recognized like it did in my situation.

[00:19:47] And I feel like that's a huge disadvantage because. Then they're just going to continue to go on through life and into adulthood without ever recognizing that they might need help. Oh 

[00:19:59] Angie Yu: yeah, for sure. I think that is a huge. Disadvantage. I mean, like, even for me, 

[00:20:04] Kristy Yee: I got away with a lot of shit 

[00:20:05] Angie Yu: too.

[00:20:05] Like I kicked the girl in the, her coochie 

[00:20:07] Kristy Yee: and this other cool spit in your face that I cannot, I can't imagine spinning in someone's face, but then again, I 

[00:20:14] Angie Yu: choked a girl. We don't know, we're not friends after that.

[00:20:17] I think it is very progressive of your school to have done that. And now it makes sense, because you said they knew about your family situation 

[00:20:25] Kristy Yee: and 

[00:20:26] Angie Yu: the fact that they were cognitive cognizant of that and they, not that they give you special treatment, but , they had empathy for your situation.

[00:20:34] think that's really progressive. and then I think you also mentioned you had other episodes. 

[00:20:39] Kristy Yee: Yeah. I honestly, I don't remember too much of what these episodes look. Oh, actually, so one comes to mind. , um, it was during grade six. that week I was consecutively late for class almost every day. 

[00:20:52] Angie Yu: why were you late 

[00:20:53] Kristy Yee: everyday? Like you couldn't sleep in your sleeping and then why did you sleep in, um, I don't know because the bed is great.

[00:21:00] Who doesn't want to get out of bed? 

[00:21:01] Angie Yu: Like you just couldn't get out of bed. 

[00:21:03] Kristy Yee: Well, I think I just 

[00:21:05] Angie Yu: like, you didn't want to get 

[00:21:05] Kristy Yee: out of it. Well, who wants to go to school? Who wants to get up and go to 

[00:21:09] Angie Yu: school? I wanted to go to school.

[00:21:10] Kristy Yee: I mean, there are school people in there or not. So, I mean, that is, 

[00:21:15] Angie Yu: that's actually a pretty common symptom of depression. 

[00:21:19] Kristy Yee: Oh my God. Like 

[00:21:21] Angie Yu: not being able to get out of bed. 

[00:21:23] Kristy Yee: You're right. And I mean, from memory. It was just like, I don't know, I was just able to go to school.

[00:21:28] I was late consecutively to go to class and I think I had already been given a warning and so the next day I get up late again. . And I'm like, shit, I don't want to have to face the wrath of my teacher.

[00:21:41] And furthermore, I really didn't want it to walk into class and have everyone fucking stare at me because I'm late. And everyone's already at their desk you know, it's embarrassing. You have to walk in, you got to like cross the hall, pass everyone, everyone looks at you.

[00:21:55] And then you go to the cloak room and put yourself down and then you walk all the way back to your desk. , I just didn't want to have to go through all of that. 

[00:22:03] Angie Yu: the thought of what you think might have occurred made you not want to go to class. 

[00:22:07] Kristy Yee: I wanted to go to class, I just didn't want it to walk in late.

[00:22:11] I didn't want my teachers to yell at me and I didn't want to have to go through that embarrassing moment of walking in late and everyone's staring at me cause everyone knew I had already gotten in trouble, I just didn't want it to feel embarrassed. 

[00:22:20] Angie Yu: And did you go to class? 

[00:22:22] Kristy Yee: I ended up going to school and I'm like, okay, , how do I avoid not walking into class late?

[00:22:26] Even though I'm already late.

[00:22:28] So my little 11 year old brain devices, brilliant idea that I'm going to get to school and I'm going to sit right outside of my classroom. And people won't know whether or not I arrived late or not. Cause they don't know I could have been there this whole time, this whole time. And then I would just sit there until someone finds me.

[00:22:49] And so I sat there, I had my knees up against my chest, you know, like where you're hugging your legs I was just sitting there, just chill in waiting for someone to be like, Oh, what are you doing? Like, why are you not in class? So that there'll be so distracted in asking for my wellbeing that they'll forget all about the fact that I potentially was late.

[00:23:10] Huh. I wanted to pretend that I was there this whole time. 

[00:23:14] Angie Yu: And you said this was 

[00:23:15] Kristy Yee: an episode. Yeah. This is an episode because when I sat there, lo and behold, someone comes up and was like, why are you not in class? what are you doing out here? So it played out exactly the way I had planned 

[00:23:27] but I had not planned an answer. So what I did instead was. Not say anything now, now that I'm thinking about is I'm reoccurring beam that has 

[00:23:38] Angie Yu: an affidavit, 

[00:23:39] Kristy Yee: but I had no good excuse. Like my plan only took me up until that point.

[00:23:44] And I'm like, yes, everything's going great. And then she asked me the question. I'm like, shit. Now I have to answer it. Don't have an answer. I'm not going to tell her and be like, Oh yeah, I'm sitting out here because I didn't want it to walk in late because it would be super embarrassing and everyone will laugh at me.

[00:23:58] And then my teachers are going to get 

[00:24:00] Angie Yu: mad at me, you know? But that sounds like 

[00:24:02] Kristy Yee: what. 

[00:24:03] Angie Yu: Anxiety.

[00:24:04] So you literally just described the two things that you were diagnosed with. 

[00:24:14] Kristy Yee: Oh my God. 

[00:24:15] Angie Yu: Oh my God. And you called it an episode. So I'm like, yeah, that sounds like an anxiety episode. cause everyone feels anxious. Right? what I have learned so far during my therapy journey is like, you know, everyone has these thoughts, but it's like your actions.

[00:24:30] So the fact that you like. Major self, not go to class. Cause you were so anxious. 

[00:24:36] Kristy Yee: I had a brilliant idea.

[00:24:37] Well, it totally took away from the fact that I was late. Cause like nobody ever talked about that again, they just talked about the fact that there's this weird girl sat outside the hallway for an hour. It's like, I don't even think it was hours. I think it was like 20 minutes or whatever. Um, So that was all they could think about.

[00:24:56] No one ever questioned me being late again. my brilliant plan worked and just took me a different direction. 

[00:25:03] Angie Yu: Yeah. Yeah. It worked. All right. like the adults saw right through you. I knew that something was wrong. 

[00:25:09] Kristy Yee: I mean, I think, okay. I mean, I just, I never thought about it this way.

[00:25:19] But I think you're right. There's some level of social anxiety there. And I think part of it is because like I was bullied a lot. Um,  I moved a few times. I still have to start all over again because I still had to make friends all over again.

[00:25:31] Angie Yu: And you know what, like. Kids, we need like stability. even if it's something as minor as moving school it can have consequences so I can see why you were socially anxious. Cause same thing for me, I moved multiple schools by the time I was in grade six.

[00:25:46] Kristy Yee: . And I think you could empathize then, um, really well that making new friends is really hard. And as a kid, I don't know. I think maybe I was just always, bit more reserved. I was more quiet and Maybe I didn't grow up with a lot of friends or I wasn't very good at making friends and this is not supposed to be a sad story.

[00:26:06] Okay. 

[00:26:07] Angie Yu: I know, but it is like, 

[00:26:10] Kristy Yee: I'm just trying to reflect right now on why it is that I was so anxious about being made fun of, part of that is because. bullies had always been around and then also making friends was hard. And I think at the time when I was in grade six, I was in a split grade, six and seven class.

[00:26:26] So all the grade sevens were super cool because they're a year older. it just felt like so uncool in front of the cool kids, you 

[00:26:33] Angie Yu: know? Yeah. And I think that's like, the reason why they make so many teen dramas about that is I think it's a pretty universal, desire to feel like you belong somewhere because we're social creatures.

[00:26:44] Like it's in our evolutionary, whatever, whatever, et cetera. It's like a survival tactic. If you're accepted by. The tribe, but then you get access to, you know, the mammoth, like, you know, like I totally, I totally get it. Like, yeah, it does make sense, especially if you were ostracized because your parents are divorced, like it's 

[00:27:06] Kristy Yee: tough.

[00:27:07] Yeah, exactly. So like, I always felt a bit isolated because I was different from everyone else. And they're not, they're not crazy things. They're things that are very acceptable today, such as. My parents were divorced. Um, my dad was much older. Um, my mom didn't speak English. Um, , I'm Chinese.

[00:27:25] I bring noodles to school, all of those things. I think a lot of people could relate to that and it doesn't feel like I am anything special. I think a lot of folks. Have gone through a similar childhood where they've been made fun of because they were different. Um, and I think especially being a part of the Asian diaspora, a lot of us had had similar experiences before, but I think at the time it felt very isolating.

[00:27:49] and like you mentioned, humans need a communal aspect. So you're always trying to seek other people's approvals. I think, especially as a kid, because like, you don't know who you are and you don't know what you want. You need validation from all these sources. And for myself, it was like, okay, people already make fun of me.

[00:28:09] Oh. Plus my name was weird too. Right. That doesn't help. I just didn't want another reason for people to think that I'm weird because. I slept in it and I was late for school and it's, it's such mundane stuff right now, as I'm saying it out loud as an adult.

[00:28:26] But I think thinking back as an 11 year old kid, school was your whole world. 

[00:28:30] Angie Yu: I think it's very, apparent to me that. you were a very sensitive kid, which actually makes a lot of sense because you're very, um, intuitive into other people's emotions.

[00:28:40] Like I don't see you having trouble making friends at all now, but it's a learned process, right? Like nobody comes out of their mom's vagina and becomes like, The central 

[00:28:51] like you don't come out of it knowing how to make friends, like it is a learned behavior.

[00:28:55] So that makes sense. and also like we're both only children, so we value friends. A lot, because we don't have siblings to cure that loneliness. So we seek that out in friends and I totally get it. And I'm sure a lot of people can relate as well, even if they do have siblings.

[00:29:11] Cause you don't always get blessed with siblings that you get along with either. 

[00:29:15] Kristy Yee: And I think people can just relate to the whole idea of just wanting. Why don't people to like you and trying to avoid being bullied. I think that's just a universal thing for kids in general. I think most kids have gone through some sort of, you know, similar experience.

[00:29:30] Yeah. like, I'm not saying I'm anything special at all. In fact, I'm saying like, these are all very common themes, but at the time it was very isolating. Yeah. 

[00:29:40] Angie Yu: and that's tough. 

[00:29:41] Kristy Yee: And so anyways, so 

[00:29:45] Angie Yu: anyways, don't brush it off because it's making you uncomfortable.

[00:29:48] This is what we're here to talk about. 

[00:29:50] Kristy Yee: Okay. Like 

[00:29:51] Angie Yu: it was isolating. 

[00:29:52] Kristy Yee: It was.

[00:29:52] Angie Yu: And how do you feel about this whole experience now as an adult? 

[00:29:56] Kristy Yee: which part? Uh, 

[00:29:57] Angie Yu: just in general, like being diagnosed with depression and anxiety at such a young age, cause like you say, you just want it to be quote unquote normal and that wasn't a regular occurrence back then. 

[00:30:08] Kristy Yee: See what's interesting was that.

[00:30:10] that grade six incident , I wanted the focus to be away from me being late and having to walk into the class, and I was able to achieve that. But I also got more spotlight shown on me. And me trying to be quote unquote normal ended up me being in special ed class.

[00:30:28] throw that whole experience at the time. It was really scary because everything happened so fast. By the time I ended up in special ed. it was really devastating too, because it was great seven graduation, and that was a big deal. And I wasn't able to graduate with all of my friends because I had to move schools.

[00:30:48] And then I had to make friends all over again, 

[00:30:49] Angie Yu: which is even more isolating. 

[00:30:52] Kristy Yee: And then now I'm even more of the weird girl because I'm in special ed and I wasn't special ed for two years. starting high school, they also kept me in the special ed program and it was supposed to be all the way until grade 10.

[00:31:05] And then they will reassess, which in my experience had never happened. 

[00:31:09] Angie Yu: That's like three years that's puberty. They're going to keep you in special ed during puberty. And then reassess three years from then, like, 

[00:31:16] that is way too long. 

[00:31:18] Kristy Yee: I honestly, okay.

[00:31:19] This is my experience. The, well, the people that were in my class. Yeah.

[00:31:29] What is like a politically correct term?

[00:31:32] this is going to be pulling those eggshells again, but I'm just going to S I'm just going to say it like it is, 

[00:31:38] Angie Yu: this is your personal experience and this is what 

[00:31:41] Kristy Yee: you, they were different firsthand.

[00:31:43] So they were the outcasts, I suppose. And I think they were like the hooligans . all the kids in my class in special ed were considered troubled kids. So I'm a trouble kid cause I cause havoc in school and I hurt people.

[00:31:57] and I'm diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so I'm troubled. I think. All of the kids that were there were diagnosed in some ways, um, some for self harm. . And I feel like some were just. They were just different, different house. Like they didn't 

[00:32:11] Angie Yu: care about 

[00:32:12] Kristy Yee: school, but yeah, like they didn't care about school. They like skateboarding. They listened to heavy metal , you know, 

[00:32:18] Angie Yu: just what's considered different by the man.

[00:32:21] Kristy Yee: Yeah, exactly. , or some of them came from again, quote, unquote, broken families. Now that I'm thinking about it. I think all of them. Has some sort of family issues. And I totally see like yes, family issues , that can be a foundation of some more deep rooted. Issues as you continue to grow.

[00:32:41] Um, so I kind of understand, but , it's just a common denominator. Wow. Can you 

[00:32:46] Angie Yu: imagine, like already going through a hard time because your parents are divorced and then they put you in a special ed class because your parents are divorced. Like, that does so much resentment to work through it as an adult in therapy. . 

[00:33:00] Kristy Yee: I think it wasn't just even the divorce. I think there could have been domestic abuse or there could have been like death in the family in the past. Yeah. now that I'm saying all this it's coming back up . Um, 

[00:33:11] basically kids that have had very colorful childhood. Like they've been through some stuff. And so now they they're quote unquote troubled. 

[00:33:20] Angie Yu: Wow. 

[00:33:20] Kristy Yee: Um, because we, cause I think that's what it is because we act out. Oh yeah. Yeah. and then for some of the kids there, they really did hurt themselves.

[00:33:29] So yeah. And they'd be proud of it. Like they slipped the rest basically and they'll have scars and it's something like that. They show off to each other. and these kids, like we all became friends because , you're in a classroom 

[00:33:40] and you're with them day to day. I became close friends with a lot of them, and then we went to the same. High school together afterwards. what was interesting was that in the high school, special ed program, it's multiple grades in one program.

[00:33:52] So I saw kids who were in grade 10 and we would all be learning the same stuff together.

[00:33:57] Angie Yu: so these kids were just learning the same stuff every year. 

[00:33:59] Kristy Yee: for things like math, we have different maths , but a lot of the other activities and school projects, it would be together. So we would all be going through the same education more or less together.

[00:34:10] I was like, what the fuck? I'm basically looking at my future because I see older kids in their court in the same class as I am. And I'm like, Holy motherfuckers, I can't just keep doing this. I need to not be here anymore. 

[00:34:22] And at one point I thought about whether or not I should just give in. I thought about maybe all the adults are right. I'll give into the system. I'll do what is expected of me , because I am now a troubled kid. Like I will go out and I'll steal things. I will do graffiti. I will do drugs and smoke and like drink alcohol because that's what a lot of the kids ended up doing. I should just give in to this new identity, this new path for myself, because. this is the road I'm going down on. And if I continue to do this, then I'm just going to be that type of person in society. And I had to think about whether or not I truly wanted to do that.

[00:34:56] Wow. That's 

[00:35:08] Angie Yu: really great. 

[00:35:09] Kristy Yee: Like 

[00:35:10] Angie Yu: a 13 year old. 

[00:35:12] Kristy Yee: I came to the conclusion that I didn't, I wanted to go to university. 

[00:35:16] Angie Yu: that's a really mature to be thinking about your future at age 13 on your own 

[00:35:20] Kristy Yee: too. I think a big part of it was because there was older kids so I was able to see the future. I was forced to think about the future because it's in front of my face. And I'm like, I don't, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to want to be there. I don't want to have to still be here in grade 10. And then, and then what do you do? Most people end up dropping out after grade 10. That's why there's no reassessment Oh 

[00:35:39] Angie Yu: my God. Yeah. That is such a flawed system.

[00:35:42] Kristy Yee: Yeah. So I'm like, should I do that? Because it's very clear and obvious , how I could go down that path, the other path, like, how do I get out? How do I go to university? that was not clear to me at all. And I'm like, maybe I'm not even that person, maybe all the adults are right. This is just who I am. This is who I'm born to be. and I'm going to play this role.

[00:36:00] But you didn't, you fought back. I decided I'm like, I can't do this. So close to end of grade eight, I had lengthy conversations with my teachers there's like three teachers for a class of 10.

[00:36:10] Cause we're so troubled. You see? I had all these conversations about not wanting to be in this program anymore. how can I. Not be here. And I very similarly I felt that I didn't belong there. It was a similar feeling to when I was in the hospital, but it wasn't as apparent because I came to the point where I'm like, maybe I do belong here, but I just don't know it.

[00:36:28] So grateful they fought for me. and they were able to get the school board involved.

[00:36:34] basically the school board is like, okay, well, we'll give you a trial test. We'll put you in a quote unquote, regular class. and if you pass, then we will consider removing you from the program. And I'm like, Holy fuck.

[00:36:49] And this took months to even get the school board to this conclusion. So they ended up putting me in socials aid. And it was like March or some shit. And I remember having to just like really buckle down and study the fuck out of that because it was my golden ticket . I felt so weird. I felt like that weird girl again, because I didn't know a lot of people in school. you only hang out with the people in your class . And so I didn't know anybody, but I feel like people knew us because we were the outcasts.

[00:37:18] So everybody knew who, the weird kids, where they go to special ed. But we didn't know anybody from the outside. And so I finally made it to the outside and I tried to make friends at first and it just, it was so weird. Like I try to lie about, who I was and that I wasn't associated with special ed, but it's you can't do that. I just ended up not making friends with anybody. I got like a C plus, which was like, good enough for the school board. And I'm like, okay, 

[00:37:47] Angie Yu: how would 

[00:37:47] Kristy Yee: you describe how you 

[00:37:49] Angie Yu: feel about the whole experience now as 

[00:37:51] Kristy Yee: an adult hmm. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Like I don't regret any of the things that had happened because it really built a lot of character I definitely wouldn't be who I am today without going through any of those experiences. Because through that, I learned that if I want something, I have to go fight for it myself and I have to prove myself and. I also learned that I shouldn't follow the status quo of what people tell me to do otherwise I would, but I don't know.

[00:38:18] I could be dead by now. 

[00:38:19] Angie Yu: those are like amazing life lessons 

[00:38:22] Kristy Yee: to take with you. So, okay. So I say I probably might be dead because I'm two out of the few kids that were in my class are not with us anymore. 

[00:38:31] Angie Yu: Serious. 

[00:38:32] Kristy Yee: Holy shit. it's not a funny thing, , it was pretty traumatizing.

[00:38:35] Actually. When you found out, 

[00:38:37] Angie Yu: you said two out of the three, 

[00:38:38] Kristy Yee: no two out of the few, holy shit. Yeah. That is rough. Yeah. There could be more, but those are the two that I know of. 

[00:38:46] Angie Yu: Yeah. That's difficult and traumatizing. 

[00:38:49] Kristy Yee: Yeah. Or, my life could just be very, very different but you pull through, 

[00:38:54] Angie Yu: you are clearly a very resilient person and I think it's speaks a lot to like how you have had yeah. Some pretty big moments in your life. Like the, I mean, I'm getting into things that we haven't mentioned, but I'm just going to pointed out the fact that. You forgave your mom and you take care of her now and you guys live together now, like that is something speaks volumes to the kind of person that you are.

[00:39:20] It takes so much courage to forgive. 

[00:39:23] Kristy Yee: Thanks. And, but I think I'm still working on the whole forgiveness thing with my mom. And 

[00:39:28] Angie Yu: that's enough the fact that you're doing it. Cause I can see so many people who would rather just avoid having to deal with a mom who in them but like you forgave and that's just, it speaks a lot to the kind of person you are.

[00:39:41] And I'm happy that 

[00:39:41] Kristy Yee: I know you. 

[00:39:42] Angie Yu: Oh, 

[00:39:43] Kristy Yee: I wouldn't say my mom abandoned us. Like I don't want to paint her in that type of a light, it wasn't even until later on that there was some resentment and this is going off into like a whole other territory. But since it's been mentioned, , yeah, I don't want to say my mom had abandoned me.

[00:40:00] but there was a lot of other underlying things that were brewing and, um, , we're learning to get past that and I'm learning. Still working really hard and trying to fix is not the right word, but. I don't know, massage 

[00:40:14] Angie Yu: stain massage. 

[00:40:16] Kristy Yee: Yeah, because . It hurts and it's uncomfortable, but it's necessary and sometimes good things come out of it.

[00:40:24] yeah, I'm learning to, I don't know, repair. Yeah. Repair the relationship I have with my mom And that's why I cringe. Like I mentioned this in episode one, when we did our introductions, that I cringe at the fact that when we talk about all this uncomfortable stuff, that is the thing that I'm most uncomfortable with right now is to talk about my relationship with my mom, because it's so complex.

[00:40:47] But going back to what my thoughts are now as an adult, , I don't regret any of the stuff. I do feel like that whole part of my life is very unique and it made me a stronger person, but it was also terrifying. 

[00:41:01] Angie Yu: Yeah, 

[00:41:02] Kristy Yee: it was traumatic to go through and 

[00:41:04] um,  I think it really changed the way I thought about mental health, both in a good and a bad way. And now I'm labeling things as good and bad. But what I mean by that is that I recognized mental health at a very young age. And I think if I didn't have to go through that, it might've taken me a lot longer to realize that there were some things that I need to work on in terms of, my mental health.

[00:41:26] And so that. is a positive thing . But for a really long time, I distrusted the system. I distrusted the healthcare system. I distrusted the school system. I distrusted adults in general 

[00:41:38] I wasn't involved in anything, things just happened. And then I was expected to do something about it. people were just making all these decisions for me. And then seeing that I was this thing, 

[00:41:47] Angie Yu: right. You are treated like specimen and not a person. 

[00:41:50] Kristy Yee: Yeah. Like a specimen. Thank you.

[00:41:52] Like they're there. They were saying that I'm a troubled kid and they're seeing that I'm rebellious and maybe I was, maybe I was, but. Talk to me first before you put a label on me. it made me just really, ah, what is the word is jaded the right word. And it took a long time for me to, um, be comfortable with seeking mental health support again, because I'm like, , if I say something, it will escalate to a whole other level. Like I just want it to be baby steps. But I'm afraid that if I even mentioned something, someone's gonna take it way out of context and I'm going to have to claw my way out of the system all over again.

[00:42:27] And so it prevented me from seeking help and recognizing things and recognizing that I can ask for help because I felt like I couldn't trust anybody. .

[00:42:35] why should I trust the system again? Why should I ever come back to this place and ask for help and support when I could be basically. Thrown into what I felt like was jail. 

[00:42:45] Angie Yu: mental health jail, basically. Yeah.

[00:42:47] Do you think that adds to a lot of the stigma about seeking mental health help nowadays?

[00:42:52] Like, do you think maybe people who are struggling with their mental health they're afraid to seek out the help because of all these stigma that's kind of built up right. Especially like earlier on when we were younger, because the system just wasn't as robust and the system wasn't as, I don't know, like caring, like from the sound of your psychiatrist, he sounded like a very cold, straight up doctor who prescribed medication.

[00:43:17] Kristy Yee: That was exactly right. Like, it felt like to me, 

[00:43:20] Angie Yu: whereas. You know, I'll touch upon it more in my story, on the next episode. Um, but I really trust my psychologist. 

[00:43:27] also there's like, nothing, like she doesn't prescribed pills or anything like that. But, like stigmas come from somewhere.

[00:43:33] So maybe the fact that. You know, the mental health, service industry, hasn't always been so supportive. Maybe that lingering stigma still prevents a lot of people from seeking help. 

[00:43:44] Kristy Yee: I definitely think that there is a lot of truth in that, because I'm just trying to think back of, you know, when I was a kid, I didn't want to feel like the weird one and I didn't want it to feel isolated.

[00:43:54] And just odd, like no one wants to be the odd one out, no one wants to be picked last in PE class because you're standing there by yourself. Nobody wants that. And I think some of the stigma that comes behind seeking mental health support is that you're labeling yourself as the odd one.

[00:44:10] So when you don't even want to be the odd one, then why would you ever point that finger to yourself? And if you admit that you need support, you're basically pointing the finger at yourself. therefore people don't want to seek mental health support because no one wants to point the finger at themselves to say like, Hey, I'm the odd one out, but the reality is we are all the odd ones out.

[00:44:29] because we don't talk about it because no one is stepping up to say like, Hey, you know, I'm going through some stuff I have some feelings , I'd like to make sense of it all , when we don't ask for that, then it just becomes all this jumbled mess in our brain.

[00:44:41] And then it, it leads down a rabbit hole. But if we're all falling down that rabbit hole, then sooner or later, we're all gonna need mental health support. But no one's admitting it then no one's ends up getting it. And then it just becomes like the, the world will implode.

[00:44:56] Angie Yu: uh, what about now that you're. An adult. you can look back at it with a more open minded perspective, how do you feel about seeking mental health help?

[00:45:06] Now, 

[00:45:07] Kristy Yee: right now I'm open to it. But there's a caveat is that you need to find someone that you are comfortable with and someone that suits your style, because I don't think I will ever be comfortable in that old boys club office ever. I would. Not be comfortable in seeking mental health support in that way.

[00:45:26] Yeah. I think a lot of that comes from me trying again. So. I talked about having all the skepticism about the system and like not trusting people and I don't want people to blow things out of proportion later on in life.

[00:45:39] like the first few years of postsecondary, I decided to go seek help again. I went to the school counselor, , and. it didn't go so well, but it wasn't as bad as the first time. it wasn't the old boys club, but it still wasn't my cup of tea.

[00:45:51] it made me more comfortable to know that there were other styles and other ways of doing things. And then as the mental health conversation becomes more and more loud as we got older, I felt that, Oh, you know what? The system is changing. There's a lot more recognition in seeking mental health support.

[00:46:09] And there's a lot more validity in the importance of having, good mental health. Uh, and that is just as important as. Honing in your physical health and that the more people are accepting that idea, they might not accept it for themselves. I don't think we're there yet. I think a lot of people are still very afraid for themselves, but they're okay if somebody else does it.

[00:46:27] Right. I think we've grown a lot since 18 years ago in terms of that. so that also contributes to me feeling more positively about doing things. And I think there's less stigma and there's more education from the healthcare professionals themselves there's more emphasis on actually talking to this person and letting them speak for themselves. Rather than I am the expert. I am the pill prescriber. 

[00:46:50] Angie Yu: thank you for sharing your story with us, because I'm sure that's not easy now that it's on the internet, it's here for anyone to hear. Um, from what you shared with us, it sounds like one of the major takeaways, you know, the mental health industry is.

[00:47:08] Ever changing and it's evolving to be better and to cater more towards the patients. And I'm glad that you are now open again to seeking help if you need to. because you had such a bad experience with it. 

[00:47:21] Kristy Yee: I think that just the world of mental health has changed so much and I'm proud to be a part of this movement now in talking about mental health, everybody. 

[00:47:30] Angie Yu: I just also wanted to point out like, um, the title of this episode is called. Give me the D and Christy, you were diagnosed with anxiety and depression when you were young, but you probably only mentioned it.

[00:47:42] Just once it was me who brought it up again when I was like, Hey, that sounds like 

[00:47:46] anxiety, 

[00:47:47] Kristy Yee: or, Hey, that sounds like depression. 

[00:47:48] Angie Yu: I never thought about it that way until 

[00:47:50] Kristy Yee: like you just said it today, I'm like, huh. Yeah. 

[00:47:52] Angie Yu: and I think that's quite refreshing because, um, like you don't really stick by the label, but you do agree that there were these moments where you exhibited these behaviors and the symptoms that you were exhibiting helped.

[00:48:06] Adults kind of understand better how to help you. we kind of get wrapped up so much in like, Oh, what do you have? Like, what do you have, do you have this or that, that wouldn't be at the end for day. 

[00:48:18] Kristy Yee: that was a reference to episode two. So if y'all didn't listen, check on episode two.

[00:48:23] Angie Yu: I think , at the end of the day, These are labels that were created by professionals to kind of help us anyway, I mean, anxiety and depression always go hand in hand but it's just so that you can understand. And like you Christie and myself and you, the audience can understand better.

[00:48:40] What is bothering you. And then you can kind of get to the root of it, right? Because at the end of the day, . We're not trying to, cure anxiety or cure depression. I think those are always going to be kind of. Persistent in a lot of people's lives. 

[00:48:55] Kristy Yee: Yeah. Like I still have anxiety.

[00:48:56] Right. 

[00:48:57] Angie Yu: And, but I think at the end of the day, it's kind of recognizing what you have and not letting you control your actions. Right. like Christie, knowing that you are socially anxious about something, but, you know, instead of. Sitting outside the classroom with your knees against your 

[00:49:14] Kristy Yee: chest.

[00:49:14] They thought that was a genius idea. 

[00:49:17] Angie Yu: I think it was just like, not letting these things control you. Yeah. 

[00:49:20] Kristy Yee: So, 

[00:49:21] Angie Yu: you know, even having a diagnosis might help you kind of. Get started on your mental health journey, but it is not what defines you. And if it's the diagnosis, that's scaring, you, if you don't want to be diagnosed with anxiety or depression or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or whatever it is like, , it's just a label.

[00:49:38] it's not going to define who you are. 

[00:49:40] Kristy Yee: And I think I also wanted to point out that. The symptoms that I had displayed when I was younger. I didn't recognize them as symptoms back then. And I just recognize them today. It's Angie. So insightfully pointed out, but I just wanted to say that it doesn't have to be this huge grandiose thing.

[00:49:58] what I'm trying to say is it doesn't mean that I have to have a giant panic attack or an anxiety attack before I'm deserving to go seek for mental health. Symptoms can be something really small that might not even be recognized right at the beginning, but it doesn't discredit you from wanting to go and seek some support. That's right. 

[00:50:18] Angie Yu: our final takeaway for this episode we kind of only touched upon it a little bit, and it's a topic that I hope we can explore in later episodes in the season as well is kind of the disadvantage that boys and men have because society tells them they have to be masculine and they have to be tough.

[00:50:36] And I think the whole, Topic of toxic masculinity. It can come off as controversial because some men see it as an 

[00:50:44] Kristy Yee: attack. 

[00:50:44] Angie Yu: But really if you think about 

[00:50:46] Kristy Yee: it, 

[00:50:46] Angie Yu: toxic masculinity hurts everybody. Of course it hurts women. Of course, of course it hurts other people who don't identify as either, either because the masculinity thing it's another label, right?

[00:50:57] It's pushed upon people that don't want it to be pushed upon. And it's also pushed upon men. And for men, like you might think it's a good thing that masculinity is pushed on you, but it really, at the end of the day, it hurts you just as much, you know, because then you, maybe you are less likely to go out and seek help , um,  I hope that doesn't come off as preachy. It probably does a little bit. I can totally see it as coming off preachy, but I think, like even if you Google the term toxic masculinity, you can see that it's a term that's not meant to be used to demonize men or demonize men who are masculine.

[00:51:29] Um, I think it's just trying to say that the whole. Cultural norms that are forced upon men can be harmful to men as well. Yeah. 

[00:51:38] Kristy Yee: It's not for everybody. It's not everybody's cup of tea. It was your cup of tea. That's all good, but let's not, let's not give the same cup of tea to every single men out there because it might not be their cup of tea.

[00:51:48] And I hope like 

[00:51:49] Angie Yu: whoever you are, um, and however masculine you are, cause , I identify myself as a little bit more on the masculine side in terms of energy and. It took me a while to get myself into therapy as well, because 

[00:52:01] Kristy Yee: as a child, 

[00:52:01] Angie Yu: like growing up as an only daughter, you're, you're kind of expected to be both a son and a daughter.

[00:52:09] So I've kind of grown up with this idea that I had to be a very strong, independent woman. Um, and I think that's the same goes for men who are raised to be a strong, independent man, like, and then your lessons. Likely to seek help because the whole independence thing makes it harmful to yourself and you don't seek help.

[00:52:26] Kristy Yee: And I think it also like going back thinking about my example, where Andrew, you mentioned, if this had happened to boys, I feel like masculinity in general, not only is it harmful for. The folks themselves trying to identify who they are as a person. But I think it's also harmful where health professionals or people who are in your lives, who are looking out for you.

[00:52:50] They might not be able to see that you need support because there's this false masculinity. I don't know if that's the right word, but they're not able to see that you're displaying those symptoms simply because they don't associate

[00:53:05] boys with needing support in mental health. 

[00:53:08] Angie Yu: Right. Exactly. It's like how African American women like black women, in the us, uh, they did that. They did that research where black women were treated not as, what is it? They weren't treated properly in hospitals because of the subconscious biases.

[00:53:23] Right? Same thing with men, like. Maybe when you go see a counselor or a psychologist may be, there'll be some unconscious biases too, but you just have to stand by how you feel. Like, just be honest to yourself, because if you're not honest to yourself, then you're going to turn out to be like Kristy and pretend like you're getting away with so much shit when they adults see right through you.

[00:53:44] Not, not to, not to shit on Christy or 

[00:53:47] Kristy Yee: anything, but 

[00:53:49] Angie Yu: we're friends. So I can shit on.

[00:53:52] Kristy Yee: And that's 

[00:53:53] Angie Yu: our episode. 

[00:53:54] Kristy Yee: Thank you so much for joining in and listening to my story, and tune in to our next episode, where Angie will be talking all about her. I was going to say big D.

[00:54:05] Angie Yu: Well, I have been told that I have big D energy