8. Chinese Moms: From Confucianism to IUDs

This episode is all about our Chinese moms: their stories, our mother-daughter relationships, and the ever uncomfortable shit when we try to talk with them. 

Highlights:  

• Angie reconciles the disrespect she had for her parents  
• Kristy shares her mom’s story about coming to Canada 
• Physical vs Emotional boundaries with our mothers  
• Short term vs. long term pain in relationships 
• Our moms are having more sex than we are  

Takeaway:  

• Physical boundaries can be very helpful in maintaining healthy relationships. But it’s also an easy way to avoid having uncomfortable talks about emotional boundaries. It’s time to get uncomfortable. 
• Concepts of filial piety are more universal than we may think. 
• If you have the privilege, ask your family about their immigration story.  
• Sometimes we just need to rip the bandaid off. Which area in life are you using a bandaid? 
• Go on a friend date with your mom. 

Resources:  

• Twitter: Tony Lin @tony_zy   
• All Is Well (TV Drama) 
• The Empty Nest Companion by Susan Gross and Briget Bishop (Book)
• The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan (Book)  
• What is Reparenting and How To Begin (Article) 

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Transcript

Kristy Yee: [00:00:00] are we on?  Yup. 

[00:00:01]  Welcome to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom episode, blah, blah, blah. Since we keep moving all of our episodes around. Yeah. We're 

[00:00:31] Angie Yu: [00:00:31] just not going to announce it 

[00:00:32] Kristy Yee: [00:00:32] in one  so welcome to another episode. 

[00:00:34] Angie Yu: [00:00:34] Yes. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. We're so happy to be back.

[00:00:38]Kristy Yee: [00:00:38] okay. So Andrew says that says that say's that SAIS? It says, Oh, okay. So side note, why I keep mixing it up is because my boyfriend.  Says SAIS. 

[00:00:51]

[00:00:51] Angie Yu: [00:00:51] yeah, okay. 

[00:00:52] Kristy Yee: [00:00:52] I say this, I say that's wrong, which is wrong, which is wrong. And it annoys the shit out of me and our  friends.

[00:01:00] And we always correct him on it. 

[00:01:02] Angie Yu: [00:01:02] Yes. But 

[00:01:03] Kristy Yee: [00:01:03] because of around him a lot, and I hear it and now I'm picking it up, which is bad. And, sometimes I'm like, which is the correct one. 

[00:01:12]Angie Yu: [00:01:12] it's funny how we always get influenced by the people we spend a lot of time with. 

[00:01:16] Kristy Yee: [00:01:16] Yes. I mean, that's normal.

[00:01:18]Angie Yu: [00:01:18] Yeah. It's normal, but like, it's still weird. 

[00:01:20] Kristy Yee: [00:01:20] It is. Because how can I not know that SES is incorrect, right? Is, 

[00:01:25] Angie Yu: [00:01:25] yeah. But you say it anyway because you adopt it. I don't know. I feel like sometimes mimicking someone is almost like, maybe it's like a built in mechanism that we have to socialize with someone.

[00:01:35]Because they say like,  mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery  something like that. Right. And then actually this transitions really well 

[00:01:42]   Kristy Yee: [00:01:43] segwaying right now,     very. 

[00:01:47]  Angie Yu: [00:01:48] I've gotten better at my segues. you know, all the practice,  this is our form of bedroom eyes. It's segway eyes, 

[00:01:55] which is really important when you do a podcast together with a cohost 

[00:01:58] Kristy Yee: [00:01:58] that's right. Communication, man is about everything you guys do with the eyes I'm learning, I'm learning.

[00:02:03] I'm sure. 

[00:02:04] Angie Yu: [00:02:04] Yeah. So my segue was   thanks for  it out. So now it doesn't seem smooth at 

[00:02:10]Kristy Yee: [00:02:10] all. We have to be transparent, you know? 

[00:02:12] go on and tell us a segue. 

[00:02:15] Angie Yu: [00:02:15] Now my brain train is gone.

[00:02:17] Kristy Yee: [00:02:17] So today we're we were going to talk about our moms. Yes. And, some of the traits that we've picked up from our mothers 

[00:02:25] Angie Yu: [00:02:25] that's right, because we are around them a lot, especially during our formative years. There's that word again? Formative. Formative. 

[00:02:33]Kristy Yee: [00:02:33] Especially mean still now, today, I'm still in my formative years.

[00:02:36] I still don't feel like I've 

[00:02:38]Angie Yu: [00:02:38] grown up 

[00:02:38] Kristy Yee: [00:02:38] yet. 

[00:02:39] Angie Yu: [00:02:39] I think we're going to be influenced by them until  one of us has gone. 

[00:02:43]Kristy Yee: [00:02:43] God that just got 

[00:02:44] Angie Yu: [00:02:44] dark. I'm sorry. That's how my brain works. .         But, you know, like appreciate them while they're still around. Cause we're getting to that age. Right?  our parents, some of our parents are a bit on the younger side.

[00:02:55] I know both of our parents are a bit on the younger side. My mom is turning, what is it now? 2020, she's turning 54 this year. Hm. What about your mom? My 

[00:03:05] Kristy Yee: [00:03:05] mom is turning 57 this year. 

[00:03:07]Angie Yu: [00:03:07] Yeah. See, our parents are a little bit on the younger side  I know other people whose parents are in their sixties, even their seventies, you know, et cetera.

[00:03:14]And it's definitely one of those things where sometimes it occurs to me and it's a pretty scary thought. 

[00:03:21]Kristy Yee: [00:03:21] Yeah, it's been a lot more noticeable for me lately because my mom has been sick for a little bit. 

[00:03:28] Angie Yu: [00:03:28] Right. And it's 

[00:03:29] Kristy Yee: [00:03:29] so weird because  growing up, my dad was always much older and then I felt like my mom was always much younger than the average parent.

[00:03:38]Age so I always knew I had to take care of my dad because he's old, but I never thought about one day, I'm going to need to take care of my mom, you know? And now we're getting to that day, it's getting closer and closer and now she's sick and I am at home taking care of her. And I'm like, this is so weird for me because I've always associated her as the young cool.

[00:04:00]Mom, you know, 

[00:04:01] Angie Yu: [00:04:01] and I  have to like worry 

[00:04:02] Kristy Yee: [00:04:02] about her. Right? Like she has her own thing and now I do have to worry about her and this like mental shift is so strange for me. And then plus on mom and I, our relationship is weird  yeah. 

[00:04:16]Angie Yu: [00:04:16] Yeah. The mental shift, I think that's really real for us.

[00:04:21] As we get to this age is that shift between them taking care of us, to us taking care of them. And that is it's it's so mind boggling to really feel that way. I don't have to feel like I have to take care of my parents yet, but I do little things for them, like order from Amazon,  doing things that they're just not as comfortable doing or things that they know.

[00:04:43] I can do a quicker and unfortunately for me, like my parents' health are like, they're both really healthy.  my dad eats like shit. like he drinks beer every day and then eats like pork belly all the time. And then he goes for a doctor's checkup and then they're like, you don't have to come back for 10 years.

[00:04:58] and my dad smokes too. And his dad smokes like a pack a day and is just so freaking healthy. And sometimes a lot of times it's genetics. My mom does have a lot more health problems. but she's gotten pretty good at taking care of herself because she exercises all the time. but I think for me, like watching you take care of your mom, I think has made me think more about me taking care of my mom and my, my dad in the future, because it's never, like, I've been so privileged that it's never even really occurred to me.

[00:05:26]And I think part of that, Has contributed to how spoiled I am. 

[00:05:29] Kristy Yee: [00:05:30] I think it's,  like a blessing. You know, I don't see it as  like being spoiled. I just see it as.  it's a blessing that both of your parents are around. They can take care of each other.  And, their health conditions are pretty good and you don't have to worry too much.

[00:05:44] And then I feel guilty because I'm like, fuck, I have to do this all over again. You know, like, Oh, I have to take care of another parent so  yeah.   Oh 

[00:05:53]    Angie Yu: [00:05:54] God, 

[00:05:55]Kristy Yee: [00:05:55] it's not, again, it's not a sappy thing, but 

[00:05:57]Angie Yu: [00:05:57] I'm like, 

[00:05:58]   Kristy Yee: [00:05:59] I'm tired. I didn't, I think this was going to come so soon and I'm hoping that whatever it is she's experiencing right now is just like, it will go away very soon and that I don't have to really, worry about any chronic diseases until 20 years from now.

[00:06:13] I'm supposed to like benefit from having a young mom, so I don't have to worry about taking her other single parent again. 

[00:06:20] Angie Yu: [00:06:20] And I'm like, ah, Just 

[00:06:22] Kristy Yee: [00:06:22] Swan and move 

[00:06:23] Angie Yu: [00:06:23] out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's okay to have those feelings like, to feel like you want freedom. Like I'm a bad 

[00:06:32] Kristy Yee: [00:06:32] person. I don't want to take care of my mom. Like shit. 

[00:06:35] Angie Yu: [00:06:35] No, I mean, it's, I think it's totally fair. last time when we were supposed to record this episode I drove to Coquitlam to buy rocks for my patio.

[00:06:43]And as I was driving there,  I started like. verbalizing my thoughts out loud and I was just talking to myself and the word that kept coming up was the word boundaries.  And then I missed my exit and I was like, fuck,   

[00:06:57] anyway, I think for a lot of us,  the easiest thing to establish with our parents, or parent is a physical boundary. And sometimes I wonder if that's why a lot of us move away because it's the easiest way to establish that.

[00:07:11]Physical boundary without having to sit them down and have this really uncomfortable talk about emotional boundaries.   so my dad's very hands off. He's a very, stereotypes, typical Chinese father, where he feels that his only sole burden is to support the family financially.

[00:07:28] Kristy Yee: [00:07:28] very old school school. Yep. And I used to, you 

[00:07:31] Angie Yu: [00:07:31] know, there was a period of time where I used to resent that, but I've kind of come to understand and accept the fact that that's how he was raised. And he loves the family very, very much  so because of them, I think my mom has always felt like she had to overcompensate for both of their work.

[00:07:44] Ah, so she like worries about me.  So it's the only recently they started to telling more about . The shit they say about me, like when they talk shit, like, my mom's always worrying about me and I, my dad's just like, just let it go. Like, he's just like my mom, like, Oh, but I'm worried.

[00:08:00] And he'll just be like, we'll stop worrying. 

[00:08:02]Kristy Yee: [00:08:02] It's so good that   your mom has this person to just be like, stop.   You mentioned overcompensating.  And I see my mom do the same thing as well, but in a, in a different way, because like growing up, I grew up with my dad. So I feel like now that I live with my mom, she's trying to overcompensate the fact that she wasn't there for me as a mother 

[00:08:20]Angie Yu: [00:08:20] when I was a child.

[00:08:22] Kristy Yee: [00:08:22] And so she's overly mothering me now as an adult 

[00:08:25]Angie Yu: [00:08:25] girl, I relate so fucking hard to 

[00:08:28] Kristy Yee: [00:08:28] that. 

[00:08:30]Angie Yu: [00:08:30] Yeah, dude,  dude, like, like our generation, like kids from the nineties or late eighties,  like our generation, our parents were solely focused on work. 

[00:08:38] Kristy Yee: [00:08:38] Yeah. Money. You got to feed the family.

[00:08:41] Angie Yu: [00:08:41] And cause you know that it coincided with the economy opening up, like what the Chinese economy opening up to the rest of the world. And they were just like, fucking, we, we need to get to fucking work and. A lot of us were taken care of by our grandparents. And I think when we got older, our parents definitely has that unresolved guilt that they feel, and they, they tend to

[00:08:59] over parent us. The thing is like, even though my mom has my dad there to kind of rant too. but he doesn't actually help because thanks  dad. I know dad, because of the things he says, like lost person, you tell an angry person, the last thing you say to an angry person is to don't be angry.

[00:09:17] Yeah. But he just does that to my mom and it doesn't help. Right. 

[00:09:20] Kristy Yee: [00:09:20] So telling someone to calm down and they're like furious, 

[00:09:24] Angie Yu: [00:09:24] it doesn't happen all the fucking time. And then my mom just like, ah, , so there's like the over-parenting thing because they feel guilty. And then there's the, you know, lack of someone putting in the effort with them.

[00:09:36] And then they feel like they have to take care of us. And then we feel like we have to take care of them. And  none of this has ever communicated.  It's not like we ever sat down with our parents. So we're like, okay, let's hash out. Some sort of contract and this parental responsibilities, 

[00:09:50] Kristy Yee: [00:09:50] what the family dynamics should look like, right?

[00:09:52] It's just your role. This is my role. 

[00:09:55] Angie Yu: [00:09:55] It's an unsaid. And it's all based on this culture. Affiliate, Heidi is so rampant in our culture in Confucianism. it's a very key in Japanese and Korean culture and whatever other culture that has been influenced by Confucianism and by this whole filial piety thing, I mean, even Italy, three generations live under one roof.

[00:10:13]this is not unique to just Chinese culture.  

[00:10:16] Kristy Yee: [00:10:16] I actually feel like these like filial piety. Ness.  is a lot more prevalent in many, many different cultures

[00:10:24] like South America. They have, you know, like places in India, middle East, 

[00:10:28]I feel like that is actually more of a majority, but because we are exposed to white culture, then it feels like it's a minority. 

[00:10:38] Angie Yu: [00:10:38] Well, it's not even white culture at this point because. Like Italians and other parts of Europe, I feel like it's very Anglo. 

[00:10:44]

[00:10:44] Kristy Yee: [00:10:44] and you're right, because 

[00:10:44]I don't have too much any Italian friends, but my exposure is like places in Italy and , in Greece,  family, 

[00:10:51] Angie Yu: [00:10:51] like, Oh yeah. 

[00:10:51] Kristy Yee: [00:10:51] Huge families, everyone lives together.  everyone's cooking.

[00:10:56]and everybody takes. Cares of each other, not to say like, first people don't take care of each other, but it's  

[00:11:01] Angie Yu: [00:11:01] I don't know, 

[00:11:03] Kristy Yee: [00:11:03] piety ness of it is not the same, like that, that level of responsibility that you feel that you have for one another. I, I think yeah. Is different. Yeah. Yeah, 

[00:11:15] Angie Yu: [00:11:15] yeah.

[00:11:15] The whole individuality thing. And I think that's why a lot of us feel this huge  pole, right? Like a lot of us who are Asian Canadian, Asian American, and Asian, Australian, Asian, British. We all live in these societies, that's heavily influenced by the Anglo culture. And then it's so conflicted between what we're taught and what we were raised by.

[00:11:32]and sometimes it just feels like we don't really know what to do, right. Even for myself, like where the relationship that I have now with my mom took years of cultivating. The first physical boundary was when I moved to Asia for a year. And. Honestly, that was when my mom started taking care of herself.

[00:11:48]It was kind of like the empty nest syndrome settling in for her. And she started doing yoga to meditate, you know, connect body of mind. She was being really anxious about me being away and her coworkers were all like, do you need to focus on yourself? And that's a very Western idea.

[00:12:03]Focus on yourself and not your kids and I actually really do support this. I think.  my mom and I were finding a good balance between Eastern and Western values. But, you know, it's like a lifelong journey, 

[00:12:15] Kristy Yee: [00:12:15] so hard  to find that balance, because we're not saying like one side is better than the other.

[00:12:19] and it reminds me of this conversation I once had with my mom about self-love. her story makes me sad  cause, she was raised in China and she was basically, Brainwash is not a good word, but she was taught that, you know, you, you have to leave the country in order to help your family for everyone to live a better life.

[00:12:42] It's not like in order for you to live a better life. It's like in order for the family to live a better life, you have to marry abroad. You have to marry outside of China. So my mom was never allowed to date anybody in China, even though  there were people that she was interested in because my grandparents would be like, Nope, you are going to go to either America or Canada.

[00:13:03] Like  none of these China boys are good enough for you because you need to leave the country so that the rest of us can go with you. So that was what happened. She graduated high school. then  worked for maybe a year or. Whatever.  and it was actually really great for her because she started to feel independent.

[00:13:21] She was making her own money. her boss was a white person. So that's like very prestigious. she knew how to speak English when she was in China. Now that she lives in Canada, she doesn't know how to speak English very 

[00:13:34]Angie Yu: [00:13:34] well. She lives in Vancouver. That's right. 

[00:13:36]Kristy Yee: [00:13:36] So anyways, long story short.

[00:13:38]she got a range to marry. My dad who was much older. My dad is actually older than my grandpa, so she had to marry someone who older than her own father. To come to Canada. Wow. Fulfill her role, her duties as a daughter so that the rest of the family has a chance to leave the country and come here. Wow.

[00:13:58]So , her life is sad for me because she sacrificed so much of what she had wanted to do. She wanted to stay in China. She wanted to like date these China boys. she liked her job in China and she couldn't have any of that because. She has to come here. That's her goal, that's her duty. and then when they did come here, then, you know, my parents got divorced really quickly.

[00:14:22]and then my grandparents finally made it here and then they threw her out. So they actually had a falling out for many years and I hated my grandparents for the law longest 

[00:14:32] Angie Yu: [00:14:32] time for own parents. 

[00:14:33] Kristy Yee: [00:14:34] So my mom ended up saving a lot of money. She bought a house. But she wrote the name of the house with my grandparents' name.

[00:14:41] Angie Yu: [00:14:41] So 

[00:14:41] Kristy Yee: [00:14:41] that's her fulfilling her role, right? Like, cause she's being a good daughter. I saved all this money. I brought them over. I buy them a house for her in her mind. It's like, I don't need a husband. I just need my parents happily ever after. Right. Oh my God. eventually, the grandparents sided with my.

[00:14:56] uncle, like my mom's younger brother and was like, you know what? Like, he's having a family.  we all need to live here. you need to leave. You need to move out. And so mom's like the fuck, you know, like I bought the house, I bought all the furniture about the TV, you know? And they're like, no, you don't have to leave.

[00:15:12] And so they kicked her out and she ended up being on like, Like government support and welfare.  so I hated my grandparents were the longest time.  

[00:15:19]Going back to this conversation of self love, right? Her whole life has been dedicated for her family and she never really did anything for herself.

[00:15:35] and she's always seeking for approval. She's always wanting her parents' approval and wanting my dad's approval, but nobody gave it to her. And then she had a series of all these bad Xs as well, so I'm like, ah, you, you need to, we need to dial all of that back.

[00:15:50] We need to start talking about loving yourself first, because only when you can love yourself, can you start loving other people? You know, she just keeps trying to give and give and give hoping for something for return. And I'm like,  you can't just give hoping for something you just have,  to love yourself. . You have to respect yourself. And by doing that people around you will start to love you and respect you. But if you disrespect yourself and you just, disregard your own needs for the needs of others all the time, then other people won't respect 

[00:16:22] you. 

[00:16:23] Holy fuck. Okay. , so first of all, I want to apologize for any sort of negative connotations that I might have implied towards your mom in the past, because I didn't never knew her full story. And to me it sounded like she abandoned you and I, and then you were like, no, you know, it was, there was circumstances.

[00:16:38] And now that I understand the circumstances, like, fuck, I was so sorry that I jumped to a conclusion when I had absolutely no information on the story. So. That's number one. I 

[00:16:49] never blamed you for it. I didn't tell the story. 

[00:16:52] Angie Yu: [00:16:52] That's number one. Number two is wow. I have so much respect for your mom to have overcome so much.

[00:16:59]I, now I can see like where you got your hardworking determination from. 

[00:17:03]Kristy Yee: [00:17:03] So here's the thing. When I was younger, I respected the fuck out of my mom. I thought she was so cool   My dad divorced her when I was very young. Like they separated when I was three. I talked about this before. So she's like out in the world, not knowing the language and like, getting her driver's license, getting a job, bringing her whole family over, by herself.

[00:17:26] I thought that's so courageous and someone for me to look up to. Now that I'm older, though, I'm losing so much of that respect that I once had for my 

[00:17:36] Angie Yu: [00:17:36] mom. You know what it is, it's it's, a diminishing return on the amount of time you spend with her it's, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Cause you used to only see this one side of your mom.

[00:17:48] So you idealize  a lot of the things you don't see now that you live with her, it's more real, right. So, yeah, I think you are going through like  your journey with your mom is kind of the opposite to a lot of people, not opposite, but you know, like different, not a bad thing.

[00:18:04]the third thing I wanted to say was fuck Confucius, 

[00:18:08] Kristy Yee: [00:18:08] ruining  lives 

[00:18:09]Angie Yu: [00:18:09] every way, Confucius and. Honestly, like I'm still blown away. Like I've heard these stories, right?  sometimes I think that,  and this is, this is my own ignorance. Sometimes I'm like, Oh, like mal did a lot of shitty things.

[00:18:21] But one thing he did was empower women during the cultural revolution because a lot of women were put to work. He said that women hold up half the sky, but obviously that was just his ploy to get more productivity out of people. Right. But it like did some things, but again, like I come from an area that was very privileged, like email, there was still a lot of starvation.

[00:18:41]I would say that my grandpa was a feminist. And the stories that you tell, like, it just makes me realize how ignore I am that bow, how much suffering there still is and how much sexism there still is in Chinese culture. Like there is so much, and of course there is right because. Like, think of all the   babies, the female babies that were abandoned and killed mercilessly.

[00:19:00]again, fuck Confucius. because women are basically seen as a tool for the family. so  my mom's story, so my mom and I butted heads a lot when I was growing up, because we're both kind of spoiled. We're both very headstrong. And very opinionated. we both have very high convictions on our principles and values and we don't stray away from that.

[00:19:21] So because of that, her and I butted heads so much growing up. So I'm the opposite of you like living with her and growing up with her? I just had no respect for my mom or like, it was a different kind of respect. I just had so much, pent-up Anti authoritative kind of teenage angst against. 

[00:19:37] Kristy Yee: [00:19:37] I feel like that's more, 

[00:19:39] Angie Yu: [00:19:39] common, very common, 

[00:19:40]

[00:19:40] Kristy Yee: [00:19:40] when you grow up, you're like, , hating your parents. And then once you get into adult age and you're like, okay, now I understand, I see things  from the adult perspective and I have more respect for you. 

[00:19:51] Angie Yu: [00:19:51] That's right. But as I went off on my own, like when I went to live for a year on my own and Asia.

[00:19:57]that's when I started to reconcile that disrespect towards my parents, because for one thing, when I first lived in China, it was really difficult to navigate the city life because even though I can still speak the language. So many things are different. Like having to figure out how to pay my bills and having to, , just buy things to live and having to sort out all these random paperwork.

[00:20:21] Like, I just didn't understand how things worked. 

[00:20:23] Kristy Yee: [00:20:23] Yeah. Cause it's not just about the language. It's also like 

[00:20:25] Angie Yu: [00:20:25] how function 

[00:20:27] Kristy Yee: [00:20:27] it's the system of the society in the city and you grew up yeah. More or less in Franklin Hoover. I did. It's just very different. 

[00:20:35] Angie Yu: [00:20:35] And like, I didn't know how things function. People just kind of know.

[00:20:38] Like also your handbook also, you done? I felt like 22. 

[00:20:41] Kristy Yee: [00:20:41] Yeah. But I feel like most people just started to pay bills to even been 

[00:20:46] Angie Yu: [00:20:46] true. . it really made me think like, Here I am. I can speak the language fluently. So the only thing really for me is the cultural gap, but my parents had to move to a brand new country where they knew nobody, no language They had to figure out everything from scratch.

[00:21:00]And it really made me reflect on that. and how difficult it was for my parents. And, you know, I didn't know it was difficult. Like I talked about how it was really hard watching my parents. Struggle. in episode three and I repressed a lot of those thoughts because it was painful for me to process them.

[00:21:17] It was painful for me to be like, my parents went through all this struggle for me to improve my life. And a lot of guilt started to settle in. But I repressed it again for a really long time. It wasn't until recently. when I started dating my ex, and when things got serious, it was very much like an emotional boundary with him.

[00:21:36]Formed, because right away, my mom was like, okay, now there's someone taking care of her. We're like just someone there for her, like a, like a partner in life. I don't have to worry about her as 

[00:21:45] Kristy Yee: [00:21:45] much as she can feel like she can let go of those. That's 

[00:21:48] Angie Yu: [00:21:48] right. And she did  huge improvement in our relationship.

[00:21:52]yeah, it must've felt good. It felt great. So when the relationship ended, one of the things I was grieving was that healthy boundary with my mom. Because as soon as the relationship ended, my mom dove fucking head in, into my life again trying to protect 

[00:22:07]Kristy Yee: [00:22:07] her baby, 

[00:22:08]Angie Yu: [00:22:08] trying to protect her baby. And like,  of course she did a lot of sweet things.

[00:22:12] Like when I wasn't able to sleep and eat, she like woke up at 5:00 AM. No 4:00 AM because I texted her at like 3:00 AM. I'm like, I can't sleep. And then. And then she woke up at like 4:00 AM, made some homemade noodles. Right. Made them as soft as possible and brought them over to me so that I could eat and digest it.

[00:22:28] So like, no mommy. Right? Like, like, like I needed my mommy and she was there for me then I got better, but she didn't step away. Like she was there for me. Like I appreciated that really like very, very much, but it was hard for her to step back because she was so worried about me. 

[00:22:44]Kristy Yee: [00:22:44] Did you have a conversation with your mom?

[00:22:46]  Angie Yu: [00:22:46] I can't even count, like, not even several, like dozens and dozens of conversation to be like, mom, 

[00:22:51] Kristy Yee: [00:22:51] you know, thank you so much for that time. I'm feeling a lot better now. Like you don't need to be so overbearing anymore. 

[00:22:58] Angie Yu: [00:22:58] And every time she would be like, I'm not, I'm not like she would just deny it.

[00:23:02]And it became so frustrating to try to have that conversation with her because she wasn't even accepting it. 

[00:23:07] Kristy Yee: [00:23:07] I think she doesn't even see it. I don't know if it's an acceptance thing because you can't accept something. If you don't even 

[00:23:12] Angie Yu: [00:23:12] know, you don't think it's real. Yeah. She, she, I 

[00:23:15] Kristy Yee: [00:23:15] don't think she knows, 

[00:23:16]Angie Yu: [00:23:16] like she didn't she's crossing boundaries.

[00:23:18] Kristy Yee: [00:23:18] Yeah. 

[00:23:19]Angie Yu: [00:23:19] And then there was once where, I guess she like texted me at like 9:00 PM and I was out with friends. I went clubbing. I didn't respond to her. I got home and passed out on my bed. the next morning I wake up at like seven and I look at my phone and I'm like, Oh shit. Yeah. I have so many missed calls from my mom because I hadn't texted her since like yes, evening, which is not even that long of a time.

[00:23:40] I called her back, like literally it's dialing and I hear her bursting through the 

[00:23:44] Kristy Yee: [00:23:44] door. Oh my God. 

[00:23:46] Angie Yu: [00:23:46] Yeah. And I got out of bed and I'm like, what are you doing?  she's like in tears, I'm like, why are you crying? She's like, I'm so worried about you.

[00:23:57] I thought something bad happened to you. I'm like, I haven't texted you in 12 hours. Most of that was spent sleeping. I was calling you it's seven 30 in the morning. Like. on a fucking Saturday, like , I don't understand your logic. She's like, well, you didn't pick up last night.

[00:24:12] I'm like I was out with friends. 

[00:24:14] Kristy Yee: [00:24:14] Did you tell her that you were over 

[00:24:15]Angie Yu: [00:24:15] but I feel like I just shouldn't have to tell her. I was I live alone. I was 28 at the time. Like. it just like it  boggled my mind because our dynamic has shifted without us even talking about it.

[00:24:26]You know what I mean? So, but this was before I really thought about it in kind of how this emotional boundaries that she established while I was in a relationship. And when the relationship was gone, she kind of went back to her default mode. And as much as she is educated and, you know, Western values and whatever, it's, that's not her actual values.

[00:24:44]Hmm. So then from that point on, we just have so many fights. like screaming matches with her. 

[00:24:52] Kristy Yee: [00:24:52] I have many screaming matches with 

[00:24:53] Angie Yu: [00:24:53] yeah. And then it got to the point where I was like, I don't know what to do. And I was seeing a counselor at this time. And he was like, you know, setting up boundaries with someone you're close with.

[00:25:04]Is one of the hardest thing to do. And I was like, Hm, I see. And I thought about it some more. I did some reading about toxic mother daughter relationships, and it's like, check, check, check, check, check, check everything. Right. And I'm just like, what do I do? Like, how do I make her more knowledgeable about this?

[00:25:19]when I calmed down, I had , like an actual conversation with her and she kept denying. So I got angry and shouted at her over the phone and cried well, because she wasn't listening to me and she was crying and it was just so frustrating that I was crying out of frustration and she was crying out of sadness because I guess for her, it feels like she's losing control.

[00:25:37] Right. 

[00:25:37] Kristy Yee: [00:25:37] or she's losing her daughter  

[00:25:39] Angie Yu: [00:25:39] And I, I didn't know what to do, but , we ended up  not talking for a couple of days. And then I apologize to her for yelling at her, but I told her, do you understand how frustrating it is for me when I'm still trying to deal with so many things in my life and you're making it more difficult for me, I literally just had all the things that I know would hurt her, but be better in the longterm.

[00:25:58]Kristy Yee: [00:25:58] And how are things 

[00:25:59] Angie Yu: [00:25:59] now? Good. So one of the things she said to me when I was going through the whole. Breakup thing she was like, do you want short term pain or longterm pain?  do you want to stay with someone you don't trust anymore? Or do you want to rip the bandaid and move on? And I'm like, well, obviously short term pay.

[00:26:13]So I said the same thing to her about our dynamic. I'm like, do you want to short term pain or longterm pain? She's like short term. And I'm like, okay, well then I'm going to say some things are going to be difficult for you to hear. And I just went over it, point by point of all the toxic traits that she has and all the toxic things about our relationship.

[00:26:32] And it was really hard for her to hear it. And I can hear, like, I can see her heartbreaking and it really hurt for me to like, it wasn't easy for me to say that, like I was in tears too, but it was painful for both of us. And after a couple of days, she calls me. She's like, I really thought about what you said, and I agree with you.

[00:26:48] Kristy Yee: [00:26:49] Wow.

[00:26:49]I don't know if my mom could ever get to that level. I feel like, 

[00:26:53] Angie Yu: [00:26:53] and you know, your mom better than anybody. and this is just an example for myself. and also  our moms are so different. Like my mom is the youngest. She has two older brothers. Her parents kept trying until they had a daughter.

[00:27:05]Which was not the norm in China, but my  really wanted a daughter and, you know, they put my mom through school and she remembers that people in the village would be like, why are you feeding someone else's child? Because daughters were never seen as your own they were always stealing 

[00:27:20] Kristy Yee: [00:27:20] someone else's right off to another family.

[00:27:22] And then that's, that's their true family. 

[00:27:25] Angie Yu: [00:27:25] That's right. And, but my. My grandpa really, really spoiled her and he, me too. And in turn, my mom kind of spoils me in the same way. Like my grandpa was ahead of his time, like feminists, I love him. but he bred someone that was  a very opinionated, strong minded.

[00:27:42]Woman who then bred another strong opinionated woman. And the mother daughter relationship is literally two bowls charging each other. but for my mom, like I think moving here and having gone through all the hardship, has made her more open minded. And I don't know your mom, but I feel like she's more open minded than you assume.

[00:28:01]Kristy Yee: [00:28:01] , I do have a lot of assumptions about my mom. and because we don't talk a lot, then  I feed into my own assumptions and one thing leads to another. Right. And I feel like the reality is she's not as bad as I think she is. but the communication part is really difficult because there's a language barrier now, too.

[00:28:18]Angie Yu: [00:28:18] Can I read you this thing? Yeah. Someone wrote on their Twitter, someone by the name of Tony Lin, at Tony underscores that Y So his tweet was.

[00:28:27]Looming twin. And I'm hoping that I'm pronouncing the second character. Right? My fav seldom ball place in NYC literally translates to when a fond sound tells you the arrival of spring. That's 

[00:28:40] Kristy Yee: [00:28:40] beautiful.

[00:28:41] Beautiful. Is that how 

[00:28:42] Angie Yu: [00:28:42] fucking stories syllables in three syllables? It says when a fond sound tells you the arrival of spring it's English name. Joe's Shanghai. 

[00:28:53] Kristy Yee: [00:28:53] That makes me really sad. The 

[00:28:55] Angie Yu: [00:28:55] distance between these two names is how much culture immigrants have to leave behind. Boom, boom. Thank you, Tony Lin.

[00:29:02]But you know, I've always thought that I'd  have never been able to put it into such 

[00:29:08] Kristy Yee: [00:29:08] eloquent words. 

[00:29:09] Angie Yu: [00:29:09] Yeah. And it's such a amazing example. And. You know, your mom left her home country to come here. Your dad and her had a cultural gap too, because he was raised here. Like you said, his ancestors had the head tax.

[00:29:20] He's part of like what fourth generation or something like that. 

[00:29:24] Kristy Yee: [00:29:24] He wasn't born here. he came here when he was around 18. 

[00:29:27] Angie Yu: [00:29:27] Yeah. And he was surrounded by people who grew up here. Right. So it's definitely a different journey for him compared to your mom, your mom's journey. And my mom's journey is a bit more similar, but their upbringings are totally different.

[00:29:39]Whereas my mom had the full support of her family, her brother, my uncle who lives in the States, he helped us with the whole transition and. My mom decided to bring my dad along. Like they were separated when we were living in China and not on good terms. My mom decided to bring him along because she felt like they were family.

[00:29:57] Anyway, even though they were not in love at the time. And that's really rare, like I haven't met that many people whose Chinese mom was the one who applied for immigration. Most people is the dad. And this is something that I've started to respect my mom more is that she's a bad ass.

[00:30:12]but this is something that I only started to appreciate after I moved out after I have some physical boundary with her and I realized she's not the only one that was giving me a hard time. I was obviously giving her a hard time too. and then when that physical boundary is there, you really realize that.

[00:30:27]And I know for yourself, the physical boundary is really hard to establish right now. That's why I feel like the emotional boundary is kind of the way 

[00:30:35] Kristy Yee: [00:30:35] to go. So how do you, do that? Because here's an example. Just yesterday. I did my laundry and we hang our laundry out on the balcony for the sun to dry it out and.

[00:30:46]left it there until like it got dark. the whole evening, my mom reminded me to get my laundry four times Don't forget to get the laundry.

[00:30:56] I'm like, yeah, I'll get the laundry. And then she's like, Oh, okay. I'm going to go to bed now. I'm like, okay, good night. And then she comes out after she said good night. she comes in and she's like, don't forget to get the laundry. And I'm like, I won't I will get the laundry, goodnight.

[00:31:10] Right. the fourth time she actually goes out to the balcony and I'm like, what are you doing? , she's like, ah, I'm scared. You're going to forget to bring the laundry. And I'm like, this is your anxiety talking. you need to calm down.

[00:31:24] And I'm like four times tonight. You've asked me to pick up the laundry. I said, I'm going to pick up the laundry. And the thought of about me not remembering to pick up the laundry is preventing you from going to sleep. think about that mom, like, think about how intense that level of anxiety is that you have to get up from bed multiple times to tell me, and then finally have to go out to the balcony and do it.

[00:31:47]I'm like I can get the laundry. And then she closes the door on me. She didn't say anything 

[00:31:52]Angie Yu: [00:31:52] cause you called her out and she was not happy about it because you hit the nail on the head. So for myself, like so relatable  how I would deal with this situation. So I don't know. I mean, it's always worth a shot, but I think.

[00:32:05]Communication about what you're thinking as well.  I realized a lot of it is showing your parents that you're an adult now, too. 

[00:32:13]because for you. You're still living at home. it's hard to prove that because even though you do all the adult things like building the layaway in house and making sure the bills are paid and all that stuff, it's really hard for your mom to let you go of the fact that she is your mom, right.

[00:32:28] She wants to take care of you. And what I would say to her would be like, After you calmed down a bit, because I know that I know the first reaction is to be like, mom, I fucking know, like just shut up. Like, Oh girl, I know  I told her,  

[00:32:46] Kristy Yee: [00:32:46] I'm like, I am self caring right now. I'm watching Netflix.

[00:32:49] When I'm done watching TV, I'm going to go get the laundry, you know, and, 

[00:32:53] Angie Yu: [00:32:53] Oh God, I think, cause. The laundry thing again, it's like a symptom of what's really underlying. I feel like maybe your mom is still struggling and grappling with a lot of guilt. 

[00:33:05] Kristy Yee: [00:33:05] a hundred percent. 

[00:33:06]Angie Yu: [00:33:06] so she feels like you do so much work and you have to take care of her.

[00:33:11]Even though she's not even that old and you've been taking care of your dad when you were younger and now you have to take care of it, like exactly what you said. I think what you're thinking about, she knows, but it's kind of like, what is that word? It's unsaid, right? Everything is just kind of  implicit, which is.

[00:33:28]The very Chinese culture. 

[00:33:31] Kristy Yee: [00:33:31] Shit. We don't tell mom 

[00:33:32] Angie Yu: [00:33:32] it's the shit we don't tell him off. It's the shit we don't even, they don't tell us. Right. And I feel like maybe one division of labor would help. If you start treating your mom, your mom, more like a roommate, like progressively, I think that might be helpful in terms of addressing the symptoms.

[00:33:48]Of it, but really addressing the deep down, like the core of it, which is, you know, this unresolved guilt that your mom has.  And a lot of this just has to come from communication. I would recommend family counseling. If you want there to be a mediator, if it's not something you can afford, maybe sending her some articles would help.

[00:34:07]that's what I did for my mom. I bought her a couple of books about empty nest syndrome. I've sent her some articles about codependency. 

[00:34:14] Kristy Yee: [00:34:14] should we link these in the show notes for some folks who might want to you have these as resources?

[00:34:19] Yeah, 

[00:34:19] Angie Yu: [00:34:19] for sure. I also bought my mom the joy luck club book. Cause it's about mom and daughter relationships. She didn't read it.   So if you want to borrow it, but I think actually one thing that really helped my mom was watching the show All Is Well. I don't know.

[00:34:36] this was recommended to me by my friend, Betty, who she has had physical boundaries with her parents for a long time.

[00:34:42] She's always been,  gala venting out. Side, she's lived in like all over the place.  so she's always had a lot of physical boundaries with her parents. And, she went back to China to visit her relatives.

[00:34:53] And she said that her and her mom binge the show because it was so popular in China at the time. So it's called all as well. And in Chinese, it's called doting hall, which means like, you know, at the end of day, all as well. And the show is based around this family, which is actually from my hometown.

[00:35:08] So it's actually filmed in my hometown of Sojo. that's how I convinced my mom to watch it. and it's about a family of two older brothers and the youngest daughter. And I was like, why go 

[00:35:17] Kristy Yee: [00:35:17] that's my parents? 

[00:35:19]Angie Yu: [00:35:19] so the show is so good because it's.  a modern TV show in China. That's really touches upon these family dynamics and all the things that goes on said, and a lot of the misunderstandings that happen in the show, I feel like someone who's not Chinese would be like, why would they do it like this?

[00:35:34] Why don't they just. Say it, and even I was like, this show is so fucking frustrating, but then if I put myself in my shoes, I'm like, I know exactly why they did that. 

[00:35:42] Kristy Yee: [00:35:42] Yeah. Because when you're watching it from a third person, you're like, just fucking talk to each other, then all your problems will be solved and you wouldn't have all these like miscommunication or assumptions and all of that gross.

[00:35:52] Right.  but then like you said, you put yourself in that same shoes and you're like, okay, I do the same fucking thing at home with my parents. And they do the same thing to me as well. 

[00:36:01]Angie Yu: [00:36:01] So my mom's like slept on my couch for like a few days when I was going through a really tough time. And during the day, like she was really stressed out too.

[00:36:09] she was really impacted by this event and she was watching this show on my couch and yeah, she binged it in the course of like a week and a half. It's on YouTube for free. It has English. subtitles to Mandarin. Yeah. so again, the show is called all as well, doting, how, it came out in 2019.

[00:36:28]to just talk to each other and they all get all the problems are resolved. Like, well, not 

[00:36:33] Kristy Yee: [00:36:33] all of them are resolved and I'm like, it's such a TV thing. And they live happily ever. No, 

[00:36:36] Angie Yu: [00:36:36] not at all. Actually it takes like the whole series for them to finally talk to each other.

[00:36:41]And then they learned that All is not so bad, right? Like not all the problems are solved, but like it's not so bad.  It's only so bad because we , keep it inside our head. And then it just forms into this giant ugly snowball, 

[00:36:52] Kristy Yee: [00:36:52] which is the whole premise of this 

[00:36:53] podcast. 

[00:36:54] Angie Yu: [00:36:54] Exactly. Exact fucking 

[00:36:56] Kristy Yee: [00:36:56] leave.

[00:36:58] Okay. I, I'm definitely down to watch this. In fact, I'm thinking now, like I'm going to invite my mom. To watch it together. some of the books and the articles that you mentioned, I don't know. I don't know if that's going to work because she doesn't speak English. Yeah. And I don't read Chinese, so  that's problem.

[00:37:16] But the show that's in Mandarin, which she speaks, 

[00:37:21] Angie Yu: [00:37:21] With English, subtitles, 

[00:37:23] Kristy Yee: [00:37:23] English, subtitles, which is winning for me. So that's, that will be good. That'll be good. 

[00:37:27] Angie Yu: [00:37:27] Yeah. Such a good show. And you know, what, what it did for my mom, it did for a lot of family in China. Like just fucking talk it out. And after watching the show I noticed the difference in my mom.

[00:37:38] She was much more willing to talk about these uncomfortable things. In fact it was me who was like a little bit more recent. 

[00:37:44] Kristy Yee: [00:37:44] I'm very uncomfortable with just thinking about opening up with my mom. 

[00:37:48] Angie Yu: [00:37:48] Oh, like the, one of the first things my mom said to me was like, I think you should get an IUD.

[00:37:53]like now she's just like going to say what's on her mind. So she's like, I think you should get an IUD. I think you should have casual sex for a while.

[00:37:59]    I 

[00:38:03] Kristy Yee: [00:38:03] fucking love that. I love that. I 

[00:38:05] Angie Yu: [00:38:05] love your 

[00:38:05] Kristy Yee: [00:38:05] mom. Oh my gosh. 

[00:38:08]  Angie Yu: [00:38:08] When she, when she first was like, I think you should get an IUD. My reaction was. What the fuck, how do you know what it is? And , she didn't really say anything. And then I told it to my friends, my friends, Audrey, and Billy, and Billy was like, why do you think she said that?

[00:38:21] Obviously she has one. I was like, no, no, there is no way my parents are having sex. I'm like, no, there's no way. And Billy's like, okay, if you want to deny it. And I was like, damn you, Billy. And then I didn't bring it up. And then it was when I found out that my parents, you know, are still in love, which was.

[00:38:37]A revelation, I tell you a revelation. and then that's when I found out my parents have calendar night. Oh.

[00:38:44]   And I was like, parents, are you getting more action than I am? 

[00:38:52] Kristy Yee: [00:38:52] And now she's looking out for you and she wants you to get some too. 

[00:38:55]

[00:38:55] Angie Yu: [00:39:00] I was talking to her on the phone one time about like dating and how like, dating so different now. Like I was in a relationship for nearly six years. I have no idea what to do.

[00:39:09]I've never really dated, , it's so confusing. And then she was just like, I think you should just. Be having casual sex. Like you're probably not ready for a relationship. And I'm like, 

[00:39:17] Kristy Yee: [00:39:17] that's so great. 

[00:39:18] Angie Yu: [00:39:18] Who are you? And what have you done with my Chinese mother? I was so grossed out and then pressed at the same time.

[00:39:28]Like how progressive 

[00:39:29] Kristy Yee: [00:39:29] that also progressive 

[00:39:30] Angie Yu: [00:39:30] you mom. Why are you saying this? The next word in front of me, like stop. 

[00:39:35] Kristy Yee: [00:39:35] Okay. Speaking of sex and moms. What a weird two words to put in a sentence together. 

[00:39:43]Angie Yu: [00:39:43] I mean, let's be adult here. Our moms are probably having sex. 

[00:39:47]Kristy Yee: [00:39:47] I know my mom, 

[00:39:48] Angie Yu: [00:39:48] your mom has a boyfriend. 

[00:39:49]Kristy Yee: [00:39:49] And the reason I know is I found out she has an IUD.

[00:39:56] Angie Yu: [00:39:56] Wow. 

[00:39:57] Kristy Yee: [00:39:57] Yeah, I know. 

[00:39:58] Angie Yu: [00:39:58] Right. Like too chicken shit to get one. 

[00:40:01] Kristy Yee: [00:40:01] So I found out she has one, but then, , she had to get a removed. So then, I had to talk to her about safe sex.

[00:40:10] Angie Yu: [00:40:10] Oh my God. 

[00:40:12] Kristy Yee: [00:40:12] Cause boyfriend was coming over. 

[00:40:13]Angie Yu: [00:40:13] Oh my God. 

[00:40:15] Kristy Yee: [00:40:15] And I'm like, okay, well, mom, I'm like to learn how to protect yourself now that you don't have this IUD anymore.   in some way, it's, kind of opposite because I'm.  guiding mom in the dating realm I remember she used to ask me  how do I talk to guys?

[00:40:29] How to like, flirt with 

[00:40:30] Angie Yu: [00:40:30] that actually. So 

[00:40:31] Kristy Yee: [00:40:31] cute. You know, she's like, how do you gain

[00:40:35] Angie Yu: [00:40:35] do you gain them? I also need some of that. 

[00:40:37] Kristy Yee: [00:40:37] This is not another episode, but I've had more boyfriends than she's had, you know? 

[00:40:43]Angie Yu: [00:40:43] many boyfriends. Have you had, I mean, this is for another 

[00:40:45] Kristy Yee: [00:40:45] episode, another episode, but I always have to count. I don't, 

[00:40:48] Angie Yu: [00:40:48] I'm curious. I've only had. Three boyfriends.

[00:40:51] Kristy Yee: [00:40:51] Okay. At least double, I think. Okay. 

[00:40:53] Angie Yu: [00:40:53] That's not too bad. Yeah. 

[00:40:55] Kristy Yee: [00:40:55] It's not four. I know that 

[00:40:57] Angie Yu: [00:40:57] that's a lot of time in it. Okay. Back to the same sex talks. 

[00:41:01] Kristy Yee: [00:41:01] Basically, I basically, showed my mom what a condom is and she knows in theory what a condom is  so her boyfriend is coming over and I told her about condoms and I asked if she wanted me to by herself. And she said, yes, 

[00:41:16] Angie Yu: [00:41:16] wait, you asked your mom if she needed some that's 

[00:41:19] Kristy Yee: [00:41:19] so nice of you that they were like, they're going to do it. And I know she's not there anymore. So I'm like, okay, well you can just start birth control unit prescription.

[00:41:30] Right. So I'm like, okay, condoms are one of the safest ways. To protect herself. Would you like me to buy you some condoms? And she's like, yes, please. . So I bought her condoms and then I'm like, do you know how to use it? 

[00:41:44] Angie Yu: [00:41:44] What kind did you buy with a ribbed?

[00:41:46]No I'm denying. 

[00:41:47] Kristy Yee: [00:41:47] I didn't want to get too intense. Like no rib, no, like, you know, heat sensation,  none of that shit, like some regular stuff. Okay. Let's start easy. 

[00:41:56] Angie Yu: [00:41:57] That's what he said. 

[00:42:02] Kristy Yee: [00:42:02] , so then. This is at the kitchen Island 

[00:42:04] Angie Yu: [00:42:04] like on the one I ate, 

[00:42:05]  Kristy Yee: [00:42:06] I'm like, okay, here's a box of condoms, mom, and we didn't have bananas at home.

[00:42:10] I was like, Oh, we need a banana and a cucumber so I can show her how to do it. We didn't have one. So I used a water bottle, which is the next step. Yes.

[00:42:17]Angie Yu: [00:42:17] So I , you know, I mean her false expectations, 

[00:42:20]Kristy Yee: [00:42:20] well, the thing is I needed to tell her, I'm like, if a guy tells you that a condom won't fit, it's a lie, because look how it fits over this water bottle. And I'm pretty sure the Dick is not going to be the size of this water bottle. Okay. 

[00:42:34] Angie Yu: [00:42:34] So like the Nalgene ones,

[00:42:36] you know, what that really big, colorful ones that everyone had at some point. The Nalgene bottle.  

[00:42:43] Kristy Yee: [00:42:43] the one that I have. 

[00:42:45] Angie Yu: [00:42:45] Yeah,

[00:42:46]  Kristy Yee: [00:42:46] no, actually we didn't use 

[00:42:48] Angie Yu: [00:42:48] that with you guys have a baby's tegular like 

[00:42:50] Kristy Yee: [00:42:50] plastic water bottle. 

[00:42:51] Angie Yu: [00:42:51] Oh, okay. Okay. 

[00:42:53] Kristy Yee: [00:42:53] A little bit more real, something more realistic. It's a little bit pointier at the top. You see? No cause like tapers. 

[00:42:59] Angie Yu: [00:42:59] Yeah. I know what a Dick looks like. Thank 

[00:43:01] Kristy Yee: [00:43:01] you. I was talking about the water bill.

[00:43:03]Angie Yu: [00:43:03] I know what a water bottle looks like too. Thank you. 

[00:43:07] Kristy Yee: [00:43:07] So then I taught her how to like, make sure it's the right way. Like pinch it, rolling down the pinch and roll. I'm like, if you do it, then the guy is less inclined to feel grossed out about it  

[00:43:21] Angie Yu: [00:43:21] I disagree, I think, 

[00:43:23] Kristy Yee: [00:43:23] Ooh, because 

[00:43:24] Angie Yu: [00:43:24] I feel like, you know, like we shouldn't have to teach women that it's our responsibility to make sure he wears a condom and put it on himself. But I understand where you're coming. 

[00:43:33] Kristy Yee: [00:43:33] Yeah. Cause I'm like, okay, this is a, older Chinese man.

[00:43:37]they might be like, no, no condoms because you know, Yeah. Okay. Whatever, right. Yeah. 

[00:43:42] Angie Yu: [00:43:42] Oh, it's not just the older Chinese men. It's like just men in 

[00:43:45] Kristy Yee: [00:43:45] general. Some men are not down for condoms. And so 

[00:43:49] Angie Yu: [00:43:49] because they're assholes. 

[00:43:50]Kristy Yee: [00:43:50] or maybe not educated. So I'm just like, you know what, if he doesn't want to put it on, then at least, you know how to put it on.

[00:43:57]Anyway, that was a really long ass story, 

[00:43:59] Angie Yu: [00:43:59] no, that's really interesting  I think  it goes back to that shift, which you said as well, the role reversal of the roles of us becoming, , our mom's mom.

[00:44:09] No, not like our mom's friend. 

[00:44:13] Kristy Yee: [00:44:13] That's such a weird thought, like, well, I've said that to him before. They're like, just treat your mom like a friend. And like her, her friends have told her because I'm sure she bitches about me all the time too, with her friends.

[00:44:23] And I know that her friends are like, you know what? You should just treat your daughter, like a friend, not as a daughter, so you can stop parenting her so much because irritates her that's right. Just be friends with her, you know, like codependent, 

[00:44:38] like 

[00:44:38] Kristy Yee: [00:44:38] just go out and have food and like watch movies and like chill.

[00:44:42] Yep. Like you would with a friend that's right. Yeah. And so both of us just cringe, we just like crawl back into our little shell and like shrivel up in there because the thought of that is so nasty. 

[00:44:52] Angie Yu: [00:44:52] You have to go on a day with your mom, like a friend date. 

[00:44:55]Kristy Yee: [00:44:55] We're working on it, like during COVID. , I would initiate.

[00:44:58] I'd be like, you want to watch a movie together. So I think , this new show that you mentioned, what is it called again all as well? Yes. I think that will go well, because I've already kind of been doing that and just trying to have fun, just trying to like, do fun things with her. So I think that will, that will work great resource.

[00:45:16] Angie Yu: [00:45:16] Yeah. Yeah. And for myself, My mom and I have now gone into a school or have a weekly meetup. 

[00:45:22] Kristy Yee: [00:45:22] Hmm. 

[00:45:23]Angie Yu: [00:45:23] And, you know, she's like, if you have something to do that day, then we can reschedule. But we stick to this weekly life. Maybe just dinner or shopping or something like that. So that she knows that I'm here.

[00:45:34] I have not left. Yeah. , 

[00:45:36] Kristy Yee: [00:45:36] and I think I subconsciously pick that up from you because, I started scheduling  Saturdays it's mom days. And so that's when I would take her out on a different hikes and  explore the city.  or like watching a movie or cooking something together.

[00:45:50] It wasn't until recently, because she started to get sick in the last couple of months. Stop doing that because she just doesn't have the energy or the capacity, like she's sick. Right. and so I think because now that she's sick, that's brewing up a lot, you know, some of that old tension back again, and  she's also not doing things for herself anymore too.

[00:46:10] Like she's not exercising, she's not going out with her friends.  because she's just  bedridden. So now she's in her own room with her own thoughts again. Yeah. And like nagging me about laundry. 

[00:46:21]So I think there has been some progress and,

[00:46:23] even us just talking about it today, I think it's acknowledging. What that dynamic is like, because we're putting it into words, we're saying it into the universe and it takes time. Like, it took a long time for you to get to where you are today with your mom. And that changes based off of what's happening in your life events.

[00:46:40] Right. And so you just have to work at getting back into those boundaries. So, Boundaries, I think today's 

[00:46:47] Angie Yu: [00:46:47] takeaway. Yeah, that's right. 

[00:46:50]Kristy Yee: [00:46:50] However that looks like for you. 

[00:46:52] Angie Yu: [00:46:52] Exactly. Yeah. However that looks like, and. You know, I think a good analogy for that transition. You mentioned from us going kind of the role reversal.

[00:47:00]I would think of it less of  a role reversal, because I don't think we're quite there yet with our parents, but it's more like opening up another lane for two way traffic, because you know, growing up, maybe not for you herself, but like for myself in a lot of more common mother daughter relationships, We are taken care of by our moms growing up.

[00:47:18] You never had to worry about keeping your mom happy.  it all came kind of naturally like you would buy the mother's day presents or in my case, A really somber mother's day card that said, thanks for bringing me into this cold cruel world.  I know I was a terrible child I was such a bad daughter.

[00:47:36] Kristy Yee: [00:47:36] but. 

[00:47:37] Angie Yu: [00:47:37] You know, growing up, I always felt like it was a one way street. It was like my mom pouring all the love towards me. And at some point in our life, the second lane started to open and then I started having to pour that love back. So now it's more of a two way lane, but remember it's not one lane, it's two way lane.

[00:47:55] You have to have the boundaries between the different lanes . 

[00:47:58] Kristy Yee: [00:47:58] Yeah. Because you both have responsibilities and upkeeping this relationship And in order for this relationship to stay healthy, we need to establish these boundaries. And how do we do that conversation? Conversation?

[00:48:10] I'm saying this, but I'm like, Oh God. 

[00:48:13] Angie Yu: [00:48:13] And supply friends, like I'm here to talk to you whenever you need. Support on how to deal with your mom. And as only daughters, we do have a lot of responsibility. I feel like we have to be this, you know, strong, independent women that society tells us to be.

[00:48:26] And then we also have to be this really caring daughter that filial piety that's innate within our culture. Right. 

[00:48:32] Kristy Yee: [00:48:32] So I was, I feel like it's yes, society, expects us to be the strong, independent women. But I think naturally, we end up becoming strong independent women because we are only daughters or only child.

[00:48:43]and it's just based off of your experience,  because you had to, grow up and take care of yourself because your parents are out working. 

[00:48:49] Angie Yu: [00:48:49] Yeah. You know, 

[00:48:50] Kristy Yee: [00:48:50] you just, yeah. 

[00:48:51] Angie Yu: [00:48:51] Yeah. 

[00:48:52]Kristy Yee: [00:48:52] So our takeaway today, boundaries and communication. 

[00:48:55]Angie Yu: [00:48:55] Yup. 

[00:48:56]Kristy Yee: [00:48:56] As hard as it is, cause it's hard for me.

[00:48:58] And it's hard for Angie. Yeah. But it has to start somewhere. And for me, it's going to start by watching some YouTube videos with my mom. 

[00:49:06]Angie Yu: [00:49:06] And for me, it's just upkeeping that relationship of where we are now.  at the end of the day, it's different for everyone. , if you have any tips, let us know. 

[00:49:13]Kristy Yee: [00:49:13] Oh, yes. 

[00:49:14]Angie Yu: [00:49:14] if you need to Rand and you don't have anybody else to rent to,  rent to us, 

[00:49:17] Kristy Yee: [00:49:17] share us your tips, rent to us. DMS at shit. We don't tell mom on Instagram. Alright, that's a wrap for today.

[00:49:25] Bye 

[00:49:26]Angie Yu: [00:49:26] bye.