13. Desire, Dreams, and Diaries

Angie & Kristy read each other’s diaries on the internet. We discuss what is desire, Angie’s dating life, workplace anxiety, murderous dreams, emotional boundaries/dependency, Kristy turns 30, and the signs of old age. We get real vulnerable in this one.

**Content warning: suicide, killing/murder, and body size and weight. **    

Takeaway:    

• Focusing too much on another person is a type of self-abandonment   
• You have to unconditionally love yourself before you can unconditionally love someone else  
• You don’t need to date to feel worthy  
• Comfort eating is okay, but it shouldn’t be the only tool in your toolbox 
• When you’re almost 30, there is always at least 3 body parts that hurt   
• Working on yourself is a forever thing    

Resources: 

• Angie’s Medium Page 
• The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath  

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Transcript

Angie Yu: [00:00:00] boom, boom. Okay. We're live. God damn. It it's been a while.

[00:00:04] need to put my feet up because. That's how we cause Asian because Asian. So welcome back to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom, this is not Christie.

[00:00:38] Kristy Yee: [00:00:38] This is, Oh my God. I'm

[00:00:43]  uh, this is Christie 

[00:00:44]Angie Yu: [00:00:44] and this is Angie. 

[00:00:46]Kristy Yee: [00:00:46] Wow. We haven't done this in a while. 

[00:00:47]Angie Yu: [00:00:47] I'm like, there's no 

[00:00:48] Kristy Yee: [00:00:48] guests for us to introduce. Nope. It's just us alone in this room, like old times. 

[00:00:54]Angie Yu: [00:00:54] you seem nervous. I was so nervous. 

[00:00:57] Kristy Yee: [00:00:57] Like my heart is actually 

[00:00:58]Angie Yu: [00:00:58] racing because of what we're doing today. 

[00:01:01] Kristy Yee: [00:01:01] Well,  okay. 

[00:01:02]I'm mostly nervous because of what we're about to do in this episode. But I think I'm also nervous because we haven't done.

[00:01:12] Angie Yu: [00:01:12] Should we do more warmups? 

[00:01:16] Kristy Yee: [00:01:16] We haven't done a solo episode in a long time and I'm actually most excited about this part is that we get to do this banter thing. Yeah. 

[00:01:24] So today we have a now that I'm thinking about it. I'm like Christie, this was a bad idea. 

[00:01:31] Angie Yu: [00:01:31] Your ideas, your idea. 

[00:01:34] Kristy Yee: [00:01:34] So here's the idea, Angie and I, we both have our journals with us and the plan is for us to swap journals, flip to a random page and then read some shit out loud.

[00:01:47]Yep. So this could go in so many directions, we could end up reading five journal entries. We could end up reading one journal entry, depending on where it leads us and where the conversation goes. 

[00:01:59]I actually, brought two journal. 

[00:02:01]Angie Yu: [00:02:01] And the thing is like, I, well, I know, you know this and a lot of my friends know this, but.

[00:02:06]just gonna plug it in here. Um,  plug, plug, but I'm actually a writer dust off my shoulders. I find writing very therapeutic and I've found it as a way to express my. Quote unquote, negative emotions. So those emotions that I'm really uncomfortable talking about or emotions that I used to be really uncomfortable talking about, especially during this mental health journey that I've been on in the last nine months now.

[00:02:32]Um, so a lot of times when I feel really sad or really angry or just confused or disappointed, I find that. I tend to express these in the form of some sort of writing some sort of free verse, some sort of like, just like personal essays and stuff like that. So I have my journal here and then I also have some posts on my medium.

[00:02:56]So I don't know how you can flip through that. 

[00:02:58]Kristy Yee: [00:02:58] Do you prefer that there's the combination? 

[00:03:02] Angie Yu: [00:03:02] Well, if we could do one of each

[00:03:03] Kristy Yee: [00:03:03] I'm going to go onto medium and I'm going to go under NGT and TN. And then I'm just going to close my eyes and scroll and randomly pick a article. Yeah. So I'm not a writer. My journal entries 

[00:03:15] Angie Yu: [00:03:15] are going to be ones a writer if you write. Well, I guess. Yeah, I know. Cause I used to play.  I used to be like, Oh, I'm an aspiring writer.

[00:03:22] And then I read it somewhere probably on Instagram was like, don't call yourself an aspiring writer. If you write you're a writer.

[00:03:29] Kristy Yee: [00:03:29] okay. I don't identify better. Is that a better way to put it? 

[00:03:33] Angie Yu: [00:03:33] I don't know. I didn't want you to bash yourself, but 

[00:03:37] Kristy Yee: [00:03:37] yeah, I'm not bashing. I'm just saying our styles are going to be really different when we're reading each other's journal entries, because most of mine are going to be like point form Whereas I'm expecting some black soliloquy in there. 

[00:03:52]Angie Yu: [00:03:52] What does soliloquy mean? 

[00:03:54]Kristy Yee: [00:03:54] A solo expression of self

[00:04:00] Angie Yu: [00:04:00] English.

[00:04:07] We have come very far since that episode, we both talked about how we're  fresh off the boat where you don't speak English. We too were in ESL at one point, whereas they call it nowadays. Um, E L 

[00:04:18] Kristy Yee: [00:04:18] what. You didn't know this? 

[00:04:19] Angie Yu: [00:04:19] No, because it's very presumptuous to assume that people only speak one language other than English.

[00:04:25] Kristy Yee: [00:04:25] What is the Amy additional? Ah, 

[00:04:28] Angie Yu: [00:04:28] as an additional language. I like that. Yeah. 

[00:04:31]

[00:04:31] But yes, they'll just, you know, it means a lot more to us cause we were  in ESL. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:04:35] Kristy Yee: [00:04:35] we relate 

[00:04:36] Angie Yu: [00:04:36] to that. There's weight to that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Shall we exchange fucking nervous? 

[00:04:42] Kristy Yee: [00:04:42] I don't know what kind of deep dark souls are in here. There's a lot.

[00:04:45] Hey, let me just, 

[00:04:46] let me just explain it. Let Let me just give you some like 

[00:04:48] Angie Yu: [00:04:48] tutorials tutorials. Give me the orientation. So 

[00:04:51] Kristy Yee: [00:04:51] the purple one is the older one. Okay. Um, \ and also in my journal, I don't just write journals stuff  I write. Notes. 

[00:04:58] Angie Yu: [00:04:58] Yeah, mine too.

[00:04:59] Mine 

[00:04:59] Kristy Yee: [00:04:59] and stuff that has nothing to do with me, trying to spill my guts out. Yeah.   

[00:05:03] Angie Yu: [00:05:03] the 

[00:05:03] Kristy Yee: [00:05:03] pink one is the latest. It's the first edition and 

[00:05:07] Angie Yu: [00:05:07] I'm really nervous. 

[00:05:09] Kristy Yee: [00:05:09] Remember what's in the purple one. Oh, God. And I also write dreams in there too. 

[00:05:14]Angie Yu: [00:05:14] Yeah, that's a really good idea.

[00:05:15] Kristy Yee: [00:05:15] So sometimes if I have like an interesting dream or a dream that felt like it lost it a really long time, or, you know, then I try to write down the details before it escapes and they don't have to be. Super interesting in dreams. It would just be once that I remember, I felt like it was emotionally 

[00:05:33] Angie Yu: [00:05:33] impactful.

[00:05:34] Yeah, yeah, 

[00:05:35] Kristy Yee: [00:05:35] yeah, yeah.  Can I go first? Like, I mean, read yours first. 

[00:05:39] Angie Yu: [00:05:39] Sure. That's fine. I mean, good luck trying to find something in there. Um, I think only like the first to third actually has stuff in it and there's a lot of in there. , some of it is just like 

[00:05:47] Kristy Yee: [00:05:47] something 

[00:05:49] Angie Yu: [00:05:49] that they have a date on it indeed.

[00:05:51] Oh, do you want me 

[00:05:51] Kristy Yee: [00:05:51] to read the date? Sure. . March 28th, 20, 20. 

[00:05:55]Angie Yu: [00:05:55] Ooh. Okay. 

[00:05:56]Kristy Yee: [00:05:56] Desire is fickle and impermanent

[00:05:59]   for as soon as desire is satisfied. it is no longer desire

[00:06:15]Angie Yu: [00:06:15] you got it. 

[00:06:16]Kristy Yee: [00:06:16] Oh, no. 

[00:06:18] Angie Yu: [00:06:18] I'm like, all I wrote? 

[00:06:19]Kristy Yee: [00:06:19] I have this eagerness about the potential with C 

[00:06:22] Angie Yu: [00:06:22] G, C, G. 

[00:06:24] Kristy Yee: [00:06:24] And this is making me feel uneasy. The fear of abandonment has hit, and I did not know what to do. I ended up texting him for no sake, but to text and something felt off, but I cannot read minds.

[00:06:39]Therefore the something off resides inside me, not with CG. 

[00:06:44] Angie Yu: [00:06:44] Oh shit. Oh my 

[00:06:46] Kristy Yee: [00:06:46] God. Who the fuck is CG? 

[00:06:48]Angie Yu: [00:06:48] I'm asking myself the same question. 

[00:06:51] Kristy Yee: [00:06:51] It's not that long ago. 

[00:06:52] Angie Yu: [00:06:52] It's not. I think, I think I know who it is, but okay. I know who it is. I don't remember why I called him CG. That's not his initials. 

[00:06:58]Kristy Yee: [00:06:58] Interesting. Even better.

[00:07:00] Ooh, 

[00:07:00] Angie Yu: [00:07:00] juicy juice. Oh, I remember now. I don't remember what CG is like. I'll tell you after. 

[00:07:05] Kristy Yee: [00:07:05] Okay. I cannot expect someone to drop everything. To tend to my emotional wellbeing. I need to tend to my own emotional wellbeing. What to do. There are 10 things.

[00:07:18] Number one, 

[00:07:19] Angie Yu: [00:07:19] don't beat yourself 

[00:07:20] Kristy Yee: [00:07:20] up. It's involuntary, too. This fear is part of being human. Give yourself unconditional self love and compassion. Three. Choose to stop.

[00:07:31]Angie Yu: [00:07:31] Okay, so you stopped.

[00:07:41] Kristy Yee: [00:07:41] choose to stop. 

[00:07:43] Angie Yu: [00:07:43] Do you need me to read the word Who's to stop.

[00:07:46]I think it's laying to finish writing the 

[00:07:49]Kristy Yee: [00:07:49] way I might do that too. Also. I can't spell so good luck reading.  Um, Three, choose to stop laying my insecurities at someone else's feet  four,  take a hundred percent responsibility. When my fears erupt instead of on others or on the person that triggered it. Five use abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop self reliance, six approach your partner with self confidence. Born of self-responsibility. Wow. Seven engage in abandonment, recovery eight.

[00:08:23] It is no one else's responsibility, but my own to ensure that I feel secure. If I look to someone else, I give up the power. Hmm, nine road to self-reliance is slow, steady, and sporadic 10 catch myself on others for reassurance and redirect back to myself.

[00:08:43]Angie Yu: [00:08:43] So the list of 10 things was a summary from an article I read, ah, I wrote the desire is fickle. I never realized how cringey it sounds until someone else was reading it. To be honest, 

[00:08:54]Kristy Yee: [00:08:54] I'm going to feel this moments soon when soon is that correct? Yeah. Moments later, moments to come. 

[00:09:01]do you remember? Yes. The day I do you remember your emotions that day? Yeah, I do care to go deeper into that. Okay. So the, 

[00:09:11] Angie Yu: [00:09:11] the CG stands for cake 

[00:09:13] Kristy Yee: [00:09:13] giver night. 

[00:09:16] Angie Yu: [00:09:16] So it was someone that I matched with on Bumble. And, uh, we went on a date and this was like, right when Kobe was starting.

[00:09:23] Right. So we, we went on like a park walking date and we really clicked. Um, and we kissed, even though, even though that's not COVID friendly. Uh, but we just like really hit it off. And, um, yeah, the whole like desire thing, I guess. And then 

[00:09:38]Kristy Yee: [00:09:38] as 

[00:09:38] Angie Yu: [00:09:38] the days went on, It was weird. It came off at a weird start.

[00:09:43] Like we both got really into it really quickly. So it like faded really quickly as well. he was talking about how he likes to bake and then he asked me what my favorite cake is and we talked about it and then he was going to bake me a cake. And then he didn't.  And when I wrote that, actually, um, in hindsight, 

[00:10:03] there was a reason why my gut feeling was feeling like something was off because he started  acting differently. And then that week, when he was supposed to hang out with me, he bailed. He said it was because of COVID like he's coming to realize how serious it is and he shouldn't break social distancing, especially since he has a roommate.

[00:10:21] Kristy Yee: [00:10:21] Okay. Well, that's very fair. 

[00:10:23]Angie Yu: [00:10:23] Um, but then we also talked and I told him, I was like, actually this week I felt like something was a little off. Like you were acting a little bit strange or something like that. And then he's like, Oh yeah, I did actually. And we talked about that and then I don't know. And then he was just like, I find that maybe our communication.

[00:10:40]Style isn't on the same page. And I was like, okay. And then, yeah. And then things just died after that, but I don't know what changed. Like, I don't know why he couldn't communicate the COVID thing with me earlier. He communicated with me like a couple hours before he was supposed to hang out with me. Okay.

[00:10:58] Kristy Yee: [00:10:58] Yeah. Well, that's not on, you 

[00:11:00] Angie Yu: [00:11:00] know, it's not. Um, so I feel like there were other other factors, but. That day when I felt like something was off, like there was something that was off. So that's why I wrote that. And I was like, but why do I like him so much? Do I actually like him that much? I barely know him.

[00:11:13]So then I realized that's a desire thing. Like, like lust. Yeah. It's like lust. Um, and then it's also like wanting to have that thing, like that 

[00:11:21] Kristy Yee: [00:11:21] comfort and like having someone know it's like with desire, 

[00:11:25] Angie Yu: [00:11:25] how do I describe how I felt like. Desire is so animal stick like lust. Right? and it's something that, for some reason, we feel like we need to satisfy, which is why I was like, it's, it cannot be satisfied because as soon as it's satisfied, it's no longer considered desire.

[00:11:42] So desire is not real. And it's fickle because it changes. And it's based on this, like, Imagined potential, because desire is, is what you think it would be like with this person, whether emotionally or physically or whatever, 

[00:11:58] Kristy Yee: [00:11:58] sure it expires and it's impermanent, but that doesn't make it any less real though, because that feeling of desire of wanting.

[00:12:07]It's still very real. 

[00:12:09] Angie Yu: [00:12:09] Hmm. Yeah. That's true. The wanting is very real, but what I'm trying to say is , don't act so impulsive based on desire or based on these like animalistic instincts, because

[00:12:20]they're not. Permanent. Like, they're not something that can sustain you, 

[00:12:24] Kristy Yee: [00:12:24] but nothing is permanent in life. Yeah,  

[00:12:26] Angie Yu: [00:12:26] that's also true. but anyway, that's where I was coming from. I think that's why I just felt like, why am I being so. Worked up over this guy. That's basically what I was trying to say.

[00:12:38] Like, why am I being so worked up over this guy? I barely know him. We've met like two weeks ago. and I think, I just didn't like the fact that something felt off, 

[00:12:46]Kristy Yee: [00:12:46] but 

[00:12:47] Angie Yu: [00:12:47] there was no communication 

[00:12:48] Kristy Yee: [00:12:48] about it. You spoke about abandonment a few times. 

[00:12:51]Angie Yu: [00:12:51] Yeah. So that was, Hm huh. Now I'm getting goosebumps. So 

[00:12:59]Kristy Yee: [00:12:59] excellent.

[00:13:00] You're welcome. I know, 

[00:13:02] Angie Yu: [00:13:02] I know. I know. Just you wait. Yes. I spoke about abandonment. A couple of times. So I sum that list up from an article that I was reading. And also just from a couple of things that I had been working on in therapy, cause this was like end of March. So this was two months after I started my treatment, um, from my really, really low point before I went on, leave from work.

[00:13:26]So I had been going to therapy every week at that point. Um, which also probably makes sense why I shouldn't have been dating because. I just don't. I don't think I was emotionally ready 

[00:13:36]Kristy Yee: [00:13:36] not to say that you can't date when you're in therapy. 

[00:13:38] Angie Yu: [00:13:38] No, no, no. Just for me, 

[00:13:39] Kristy Yee: [00:13:39] just like for you at that point. Yeah. At that point, busy working on yourself.

[00:13:43] Angie Yu: [00:13:43] That's right. And I think, um, I think for me it was like, Oh, if I can go on dates, uh, then I'm normal. I think, I know, I know, uh, it was like one of those weird things. And now I'm like, and then obviously Kobe kind of helped me like get over that. Judgment on myself. you don't need to date to feel worthy and you don't need to be taken out by guys to feel like you have some value.

[00:14:05]Kristy Yee: [00:14:05] Yeah. Because your value is not dependent on another person. Exactly. And like you said, when you allow another person to do that, then you're giving them all the power 

[00:14:13] Angie Yu: [00:14:13] that's right. So that sense of abandonment comes from. Abandoning myself that I had experienced in my last relationship, just like not focusing on myself enough and focusing too much on the relationship on, on the other person.

[00:14:29] And it was a really codependent relationship and it became really toxic near the end. And I mentioned before in other episodes that it was a very traumatic breakup. And because of that, there was a lot of issues for me to work through. But  I can't blame everything on that relationship because in therapy, I realized that the reason why I was a certain way in my past relationships is because of the lack of emotional boundaries that I had.

[00:14:55]I mean, I remember like when I had that, like epiphany, um, I had many epiphanys during third therapy, but I had during one of the many epiphanys, um, cause I would just go silent and my therapist would be like, what are you thinking about right now? I'm like, I'm upset that I'm learning this now when I'm almost 30 and that I never had this level of emotional maturity earlier in life.

[00:15:17]And I think that sucks and I feel behind and I feel like I'm just not a good person and I'm not a, not a valuable person.

[00:15:27]Kristy Yee: [00:15:27] All I'm hearing is you shaming yourself. 

[00:15:30] Angie Yu: [00:15:30] Exactly. It was so much shame Because of the way the relationship ended. because they never communicated. and I never communicated and yeah, there was just a lot of shame.

[00:15:42] I think there still is some shame. Because  it's hard to go through infidelity and be like, it wasn't my fault, you know? Um, cause they say like relationship takes two or in some cases it takes three or four. 

[00:15:55]Kristy Yee: [00:15:55] The whole work around self shaming. I feel like first of all, there's a lot to be done and I think. Just recognizing that you have, it is already a huge step that I think most people haven't even gotten there yet. And then the other thing is dude, working on yourself is like a forever thing. I 

[00:16:12] Angie Yu: [00:16:12] know.

[00:16:12] sometimes I'm like, fuck it. Can I just like, not work on myself and just be a bad person? 

[00:16:17]Kristy Yee: [00:16:17] Well, is that shame? Cause are you really a bad person? If you don't work on yourself? Like, are you a bad person, Angie? 

[00:16:23]Angie Yu: [00:16:23] No, I guess it wouldn't be a bad person and he just wouldn't be the best version of yourself.

[00:16:27]Kristy Yee: [00:16:27] Sure for like that one or three days that you just want to fuck it and just not do anything, right. 

[00:16:34]Angie Yu: [00:16:34] Oh my God. I'm so uncomfortable right now. 

[00:16:37] Kristy Yee: [00:16:37] But I think the thing is  there's no destination. Oh fuck. So Phil Suffolk, because it's only the journey, but you know how, like in. I don't know if there's an Asian thing or a Chinese thing, but they're always like, Oh, when you get to the other side of the bridge or when you cross to the other side of the river, right?

[00:16:52] Like there's a destination, there's no fucking destination and like self work, you just keep on going. You just might be, you know, a little bit ahead of it. Another person or a little bit behind another person, but there was no final destination where you're like, boom. You know, I am, self-actualized 

[00:17:10] Angie Yu: [00:17:10] Buddha now.

[00:17:12] Kristy Yee: [00:17:12] Exactly. Yeah. Now that I'm speaking about it, 

[00:17:15]Angie Yu: [00:17:15] what, 

[00:17:16] Kristy Yee: [00:17:16] I guess that it was the final 

[00:17:17] Angie Yu: [00:17:17] destination to become Buddha. I mean, 

[00:17:21]the person that we know as Buddha was real,  but the idealization and the idolization of both, it's not real.

[00:17:28]it's in our head. You don't know it's all human conjecture. 

[00:17:30] Kristy Yee: [00:17:30] I still believe in some of these. 

[00:17:32] Angie Yu: [00:17:32] Do you think Buddha is a big fat guy living in the sky? 

[00:17:35]Kristy Yee: [00:17:35] I don't want to say no. There's no such thing. Okay. What is it is, it's not, it's not spirits, but I like to think that there are other entities in this universe.

[00:17:46] Angie Yu: [00:17:46] Oh yeah, I agree. But not in our sky. 

[00:17:49]Kristy Yee: [00:17:49] Like, well, I don't think like the atmosphere, like, yes, not what, 

[00:17:56] Angie Yu: [00:17:56] so you believe in like elder gods, 

[00:17:58] Kristy Yee: [00:17:58] what are those 

[00:17:59] Angie Yu: [00:17:59] like? Cause through Lou, 

[00:18:00]Kristy Yee: [00:18:00] what? 

[00:18:01]Angie Yu: [00:18:01] Like HP love craft. 

[00:18:02] Kristy Yee: [00:18:02] I have no idea where he 

[00:18:03] Angie Yu: [00:18:03] didn't know that like really scary, big, octopus looking thing. 

[00:18:07]Kristy Yee: [00:18:07] No. Okay. What I do believe is that when I pray to Guan yin or to Buddha, I am feeling a presence.

[00:18:16] Wow. Getting really fucking religious. I am feeling their light and their love. And then when I am praying, then I have an aura connection with this entity. Do they live in the atmosphere? No,  I don't believe that, but I believe that there is something else that's beyond, beyond our comprehension.

[00:18:37] Angie Yu: [00:18:37] Yes. That last part I definitely agree with. There are infinite. Amount of things that are beyond our comprehension because we're humans and really we're dumb. Don't know that much. I think that's just admitting the fact that humanity is not God. But yeah, , I believe that there are. Things out there that are, like you said, beyond our comprehension. 

[00:18:58]    okay. Your turn. 

[00:19:09]Kristy Yee: [00:19:09] So I see you reached the purple one first 

[00:19:11] Angie Yu: [00:19:11] and there's like a picture in here 

[00:19:13]Kristy Yee: [00:19:13] what do you mean? 

[00:19:14]Angie Yu: [00:19:14] Ooh. Oh, 

[00:19:15]Kristy Yee: [00:19:15] there might be some uncomfortable things. 

[00:19:17]Angie Yu: [00:19:17] Oh, another dream. I keep flicking. 

[00:19:19] Kristy Yee: [00:19:19] That'd be a lot of names, so many names. I just not want to say the names. 

[00:19:24] Angie Yu: [00:19:24] Okay. 

[00:19:25] Kristy Yee: [00:19:25] Oh my God. I'm so 

[00:19:26] Angie Yu: [00:19:26] fucking, okay. There's seven names in here. 

[00:19:29] Kristy Yee: [00:19:29] A, B, C, 

[00:19:30] Angie Yu: [00:19:30] D. No, I have to remember which one's a, which one's B which ones? Just make 

[00:19:34] Kristy Yee: [00:19:34] up a pseudo name. Fuck 

[00:19:37] Angie Yu: [00:19:37] it.

[00:19:38] Okay. I'm just gonna go one, two, three, four. So one and two died in a fire. 

[00:19:43] Kristy Yee: [00:19:43] What the fuck 

[00:19:44]Angie Yu: [00:19:44] in a house fire. No life. 

[00:19:48]Kristy Yee: [00:19:48] See what I mean 

[00:19:51] Angie Yu: [00:19:51] three and the rest of us stood outside for his mom, told my mom. Canadian banks are

[00:20:04] fair. Fair, 

[00:20:08] Kristy Yee: [00:20:08] yo. Hey, different writing styles can't hate. 

[00:20:11] Angie Yu: [00:20:11] No, but yours is not even about anything uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable right now. So my mom.

[00:20:17]Poured 12 eggs down the drain.

[00:20:27] We have to edit out so much. Laughter

[00:20:34] Canadian tire eggs are bad. It makes 

[00:20:37] Kristy Yee: [00:20:37] sense 

[00:20:40] Angie Yu: [00:20:40] brackets. So my mom poor 12 eggs. Bracket where parentheses cracked in bull, close back it down the drain. Like she cracked them first and then she poured them down 

[00:20:56] Kristy Yee: [00:20:56] that level of detail. 

[00:20:57] Angie Yu: [00:20:57] Okay. So that's that's one, two, three, four. Okay. So many people in your dream, five and six are having sex.

[00:21:06] Kristy Yee: [00:21:06] Okay. 

[00:21:07]Angie Yu: [00:21:07] I found out from. Seeing scented pads in the bathroom.

[00:21:12]Okay. There's 

[00:21:13] Kristy Yee: [00:21:13] dreams. 

[00:21:14] Angie Yu: [00:21:14] It's weird for his family and I are preparing to go quote, unquote, camping. I stripped. On all my, yeah.

[00:21:32] Kristy Yee: [00:21:32] What? I can't read this.

[00:21:34]Angie Yu: [00:21:34] I feel like we're doing more for us than we are for our listeners right now. 

[00:21:38]Kristy Yee: [00:21:38] Strapped on all my gear. 

[00:21:40] Angie Yu: [00:21:40] I hope that you guys are actually enjoying this because we are so enjoying this. I strapped on Whoa. Okay. Oh, okay. I don't know. I don't remember this. Um, I stress,

[00:22:01] Kristy Yee: [00:22:01] I don't even know. What's 

[00:22:02] Angie Yu: [00:22:02] funny.

[00:22:14] I didn't put anything in our food. 

[00:22:16]Kristy Yee: [00:22:16] I 

[00:22:16] Angie Yu: [00:22:16] strapped on all my gear, biking to go on a run. You know, 

[00:22:24] Kristy Yee: [00:22:24] when you go,

[00:22:28]Angie Yu: [00:22:28] what the fuck did you write?

[00:22:33] I couldn't see. My jeans jumped very little when I rub run. I didn't was my

[00:22:47] yet. And I still in bathroom counter. 

[00:22:52]Went back. Hoping his mom isn't there yet. She is when to bathroom. Oh, my God having, I cannot, I can't, it's just getting worse. 

[00:23:03] Kristy Yee: [00:23:03] So it's getting worse. I mean, just like, let me just explain this a little bit. Sometimes when I wake up, right.

[00:23:09] You're kind of half dream half a week and then, Oh, because the dream was so good or so intense that I am, I must record it. I must put it down. So I would be doing this. Half asleep. My eyes will close and I'm writing with my 

[00:23:26] Angie Yu: [00:23:26] eyes closed. Oh my God. Okay. 

[00:23:28] Kristy Yee: [00:23:28] And that's why this looks like 

[00:23:31] Angie Yu: [00:23:31] chicken. Scratch 

[00:23:32] Kristy Yee: [00:23:32] spaghetti looks like spaghetti.

[00:23:34] It looks like fat toy because the pen is black. Where did you read up to?  John darker, very home. I got something very little when I remember I didn't was my, like, I've never actually went 

[00:23:50] Angie Yu: [00:23:50] back to pick a new one 

[00:23:51]I want to pick one. That's not a dream because your dream ones are also hard to read, but that was 

[00:23:55] Kristy Yee: [00:23:55] hilarious. Wait, what was the last thing last night?  Oh my God. Can you help me 

[00:24:00]Angie Yu: [00:24:00] with, you want me to help you read your writing last night? This 

[00:24:04] Kristy Yee: [00:24:04] is the footnotes of the dream. I also assigned with the time 

[00:24:07] Angie Yu: [00:24:07] something for dad, something hard, 10.

[00:24:12]Woke up with crusty eyes. Very tired.

[00:24:17] Kristy Yee: [00:24:17] it's a good way to sign 

[00:24:19] Angie Yu: [00:24:19] off. I'm a to 20 8:00 AM. 

[00:24:20] Kristy Yee: [00:24:21] And guess if that's 

[00:24:21] Angie Yu: [00:24:21] what where's that six, It looks like it looks like Delta. 

[00:24:26] Kristy Yee: [00:24:26] It shouldn't be, 

[00:24:28] Angie Yu: [00:24:28] that's a small Delta like change. 

[00:24:30] Kristy Yee: [00:24:30] Okay. No. Okay. That's strange. Maybe that's maybe that's another day because the dream says 7:08 AM.

[00:24:36] Angie Yu: [00:24:36] Yeah. So that's probably 

[00:24:38] Kristy Yee: [00:24:38] another, another entry 

[00:24:40] Angie Yu: [00:24:40] either 2:28 AM or Delta 20. 

[00:24:44] Kristy Yee: [00:24:44] It's probably Delta 20 

[00:24:45] Angie Yu: [00:24:45] 8:00 AM. 

[00:24:48] Kristy Yee: [00:24:48] Okay, moving on, moving 

[00:24:49] Angie Yu: [00:24:49] on. Okay. So that was fun. 

[00:24:54] They're all dream dream within dream.

[00:24:57] You had an inception. 

[00:24:58]Kristy Yee: [00:24:58] I actually have many of those sometimes at the deepest layer I've gone to, it's three layers. 

[00:25:03]Angie Yu: [00:25:03] Damn.

[00:25:04] Kristy Yee: [00:25:04] They don't happen too often, but they do happen 

[00:25:07] Angie Yu: [00:25:07] so many dreams, girl, 

[00:25:09] Kristy Yee: [00:25:09] like, do you ever get lucid dreams?

[00:25:10] Angie Yu: [00:25:10] Yeah. Like you can control. I love 

[00:25:12] Kristy Yee: [00:25:12] that. I love it. What's the first thing that you think of doing when you enter a lucid dream? 

[00:25:18]Angie Yu: [00:25:18] It depends on the dream. 

[00:25:19] Kristy Yee: [00:25:19] Oh yeah. Oh, never for me. There's always top three things. Oh, actually I can only think of two right now. One is fly. I'm like, fuck. No, I'm like I'm in 

[00:25:29] Angie Yu: [00:25:29] control.

[00:25:30] Kristy Yee: [00:25:30] And then I will find something to jump off of. Oh, I'm scared because I'm kind of scared if like, what if I'm not lucid dreaming, 

[00:25:37]Angie Yu: [00:25:37] but you've been skydiving. 

[00:25:39] Kristy Yee: [00:25:39] I know, but if I, you know what I mean? Like if I'm high and then I think I'm dreaming, then I jump off a building. Yeah. That's not cool. Yeah. Um, but that's what I would do in my dream.

[00:25:47] I'll be like, yeah, let's find a building and jump off of it. And then the second thing is sex. 

[00:25:52]Angie Yu: [00:25:52] Hmm. 

[00:25:53] Kristy Yee: [00:25:53] I'm like, 

[00:25:55] Angie Yu: [00:25:55] or , in that dream,  the one that I read you , found out some other people were 

[00:25:58] Kristy Yee: [00:25:58] other people having sex, I guess, but that was not lucid. 

[00:26:01] Angie Yu: [00:26:01] Okay. I found another one where it's legible.

[00:26:03]Kristy Yee: [00:26:03] Okay. 

[00:26:04]Angie Yu: [00:26:04] I stabbed and killed. 

[00:26:05] Kristy Yee: [00:26:05] Oh my God. 

[00:26:06]Angie Yu: [00:26:06] Two people. What the fuck? Racket men bracket for reasons I can remember after waking. Okay. The two minutes. Husband 

[00:26:15]was witness, but did not kill him until he tried to run away and call the police using a payphone right outside the house. Next to front door.

[00:26:24] I saw chase him down. Killed him too. 

[00:26:26] Kristy Yee: [00:26:26] Fuck. Are you serious? Yeah, 

[00:26:28]Angie Yu: [00:26:28] afterwards. Yeah, I was freaking out. These men will come back to haunt me. There was a package left behind from the men that resembles to  what this just ruined this drew in the flow that resembles Rose paper. What 

[00:26:45]Kristy Yee: [00:26:45] um, uh, uh, Joss Joss paper 

[00:26:46] Angie Yu: [00:26:46] offerings with 

[00:26:47] Kristy Yee: [00:26:47] that.

[00:26:48] So it's the things that you burn to offer for the, your ancestors or like the deities and your dead people 

[00:26:56] Angie Yu: [00:26:56] should creepy dream. 

[00:26:57]Kristy Yee: [00:26:57] I'm a little 

[00:26:58] Angie Yu: [00:26:58] scared. I'm getting goosebumps. I'm scared. Well, at least I'm not a man. there was a package left behind from the men that resembles Joss paper offerings. I asked my mom's boyfriend who is.

[00:27:10]who is half her age. If I can use to 

[00:27:13] Kristy Yee: [00:27:13] burn. I guess I asked my mom's boyfriend who's half her age. If I could burn those jaws paper offerings. 

[00:27:19] Angie Yu: [00:27:19] Yes. Yes. The entire dream. I was under anxiety to be caught, trying to behave normally and not freak out at the mention of their names was most challenging.

[00:27:30]The name blank blank seems familiar. There was a well-respected professor who tried to drown himself by walking into the ocean. He's a very well respected prof. He had his own

[00:27:41]mural, but you spelled it wrong on a wall at the uni slash lab, along with three other profs 7:59 AM.

[00:27:49] Kristy Yee: [00:27:49] What year was this 

[00:27:50] Angie Yu: [00:27:50] 2018 in brackets after you signed off the time blank, picking me up to go UVC eight-thirty must something. So you had class it sounds like you were really anxious about school. Like you are under a lot of pressure and you wanted to kill these people. Cause they were, 

[00:28:04]Kristy Yee: [00:28:04] it says must hurry.

[00:28:06] Angie Yu: [00:28:06] Yeah. See. especially since it ended off on a prof who committed suicide, 

[00:28:11]Kristy Yee: [00:28:11] this was almost two years ago from the day that we are recording. 

[00:28:14]Angie Yu: [00:28:14] Yeah. That's a very chilling, uh, 

[00:28:17] Kristy Yee: [00:28:17] I feel like my knees are weak. 

[00:28:21] Angie Yu: [00:28:21] Why? I 

[00:28:22] Kristy Yee: [00:28:22] think it was just so unsettling thought. I don't have energy to be. I don't. Yeah.

[00:28:28] My energy is not going. Two of my legs is going to increasing my heart rate. Yeah. And making my hands sweat. Wow. Okay. Uh, I don't remember the stream at all. It was also two years ago. Yeah. I have no idea. I mean, I have some idea. It sounds like I was in a lot of distress. 

[00:28:46] Angie Yu: [00:28:46] It sounds like you were really stressed out.

[00:28:48] Yeah. From school, cause you mentioned  professors and university and I feel like that comes from somewhere, 

[00:28:54] Kristy Yee: [00:28:54] so yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the fact that, you know, I'm about to get ready for someone picking me up to go to school when I wake up 

[00:29:01] Angie Yu: [00:29:01] and you're telling yourself to hurry up  in your journal 

[00:29:04] Kristy Yee: [00:29:04] in my own church.

[00:29:05] Angie Yu: [00:29:05] Oh my God. What 

[00:29:06] Kristy Yee: [00:29:06] does that say? Huh? 

[00:29:08]Angie Yu: [00:29:08] Huh? Hm Hmm. 

[00:29:09]Kristy Yee: [00:29:09] Let's move on. 

[00:29:11]Angie Yu: [00:29:11] If it makes you feel better, I've also killed in my dreams, but not human. I've only killed like aliens and zombies. 

[00:29:17] Kristy Yee: [00:29:17] Hm huh. I don't think I've dreamt of aliens and dummies. Hm, most of my dreams are human based, not even animals, animals don't come in.

[00:29:25] Angie Yu: [00:29:25] I once dreamt that I was at my elementary school, the field and I was running.

[00:29:32]Sorry, I forgot you. Hate snakes. I forgot. Yeah, 

[00:29:42] Kristy Yee: [00:29:42] I I will be I'm just for those who don't know, I have this pseudo, I don't know, pseudo semi phobia. Cause I don't know what it 

[00:29:48] Angie Yu: [00:29:48] feels pretty real because I didn't.

[00:29:51] Yeah, I'm sorry, 

[00:29:53]Kristy Yee: [00:29:53] just gonna. Not have my legs on the ground for protection, 

[00:30:00] Angie Yu: [00:30:00] my bad, my bad, my B yeah, I have a lot of dreams about aliens. I don't know what that says about me, but the one dream that I really remember is, um, like we were being attacked. And the scenery was like SFU and SFU is like where a lot of films are filmed where it's like, Oh, the mysterious, headquarters of the CIA, or like some sort of organization, because of all the concrete, it 

[00:30:26] Kristy Yee: [00:30:26] was like dark and mysterious and shit.

[00:30:27] Exactly. 

[00:30:28] Angie Yu: [00:30:28] Yeah. Um, so I was there and then there were these humanoid aliens, but they have wings and they were a lot smaller. 

[00:30:34]Kristy Yee: [00:30:34] Cool, like Pixies. 

[00:30:36]Angie Yu: [00:30:36] But not like basketball. They're like, like short forefoot. 

[00:30:40]. And very public cheat. And I had to kill them and there was one who I caught and she was on the ground, on her knees and with her hands behind her head and she looked up at me and she just like looked into my eyes.

[00:30:55] And in that moment I could not shoot her. Because I saw humanity in her eyes 

[00:30:59] Kristy Yee: [00:30:59] wholly, and then I 

[00:31:00] Angie Yu: [00:31:00] woke up from my dream. 

[00:31:01]Kristy Yee: [00:31:01] Okay. The fact that you were just able to just Friday in so much detail. Yeah. How do you remember that? 

[00:31:07]Angie Yu: [00:31:07] there are, I would say there's probably a day dozen or so dreams where I can still remember the details of the dreams vividly.

[00:31:14]Cause my memory is mostly visual. Um, so when I tell it again and I'm just describing what I see in my head. 

[00:31:19]Kristy Yee: [00:31:19] I think

[00:31:20] there's two dreams that I can describe vividly without having to like, read it off of a paper. Yeah. 

[00:31:27] Angie Yu: [00:31:27] But that's probably why you write them down. Like the way for me to remember them is to tell someone, and then once I've told someone, I'll probably remember it. It's just 

[00:31:35] Kristy Yee: [00:31:35] what the fuck. That's so awesome. 

[00:31:38] Angie Yu: [00:31:38] I don't know if it's awesome because I feel like I need to delete some shit from my brain.

[00:31:41] Kristy Yee: [00:31:41] Well, I guess though, but. You have the capacity to store 

[00:31:46] Angie Yu: [00:31:46] really? Have you ran 

[00:31:47] Kristy Yee: [00:31:47] down? Just, I always have to keep buying external hard drives, which is what my journal is for my external hard drive. I just unloaded 

[00:31:55] Angie Yu: [00:31:55] there and then,  but I think it's, um, it's a good practice. Like once I've started to journal, especially your journal, some of the things that I don't want to keep in my brain, like I forgot.

[00:32:04]About that situation, that whole like anxiety around what was happening. It was just like, once I write it down, I forget. Hmm. So 

[00:32:13]Kristy Yee: [00:32:13] for me, 

[00:32:13]Angie Yu: [00:32:13] journaling now is like almost a way for me to process something. Cause in my brain, it's not in my brain. 

[00:32:20] Kristy Yee: [00:32:20] Cause so when you write something down, you forget it. But if you verbalize it, then you remember it.

[00:32:25] Yeah. Huh? Good tactic for studying, I suppose. 

[00:32:27]  I actually really want to go into your journal again. 

[00:32:34]Angie Yu: [00:32:34] Sure. 

[00:32:35] Just go into it.

[00:32:36] Oh, God. 

[00:32:40]Kristy Yee: [00:32:40] I mean, there's a lot of circles and not a lot, but there's like arrows 

[00:32:44]Angie Yu: [00:32:44] and things that might be to my therapy session. 

[00:32:46]Kristy Yee: [00:32:46] There'll be no, sir. Good to. 

[00:32:47]Angie Yu: [00:32:47] no it's between me and my therapist. I probably share a lot. I 

[00:32:52] Kristy Yee: [00:32:52] probably have therapy notes in there somewhere. 

[00:32:54] Angie Yu: [00:32:54] I mean, 

[00:32:55]Kristy Yee: [00:32:55] I flipped you in on the page. We've moved on. Okay. 

[00:32:57] Angie Yu: [00:32:57] if it's point form it's therapy notes, 

[00:32:59] Kristy Yee: [00:32:59] July six, I had to ask for an extension for work.

[00:33:03]Angie Yu: [00:33:03] Ooh. Okay. 

[00:33:04] Kristy Yee: [00:33:04] I told myself to do some work on Saturday and Sunday, but yet I did not on Sunday. Well, I did not draw the right boundaries with the hinge hinge match. Yeah. Yeah. God, all these apps, huh? I do not draw the right boundaries with a hinge match and it resolves, dissolve, dissolved, dissolved into a big thing into a big thing.

[00:33:29] Oh, okay. I let my emotions get the best of me. The feeling of rejection triggered depressive thoughts that I had. When it came down to it, I was not able to manage my actions and I let my emotions get the best of me. I also need to internalize the need to work more efficiently. The procrastination is bad.

[00:33:47]It's self sabotage and it is the worst four of emotional mismanagement. 

[00:33:52] Angie Yu: [00:33:53] Worst, worst form. Yeah. 

[00:33:54] Kristy Yee: [00:33:54] For, ah, I see. So you just like skip letters and I just like skip words.

[00:34:02]I will tell myself that, and then you cross this off. I need to make sure I tell myself work is necessary.

[00:34:09] So you crossed off the, I need to make sure I tell myself part  So when you crossed that off, it became, I will tell myself that work is necessary. 

[00:34:19]Angie Yu: [00:34:19] Hm, interesting.  

[00:34:20]Kristy Yee: [00:34:20] Everyone has to work. It's part of life, no matter how unpleasant it can get, sometimes everyone is doing their best.

[00:34:27]Navigating through life. I have my job because I'm a value and I'm trying to make it easier and cheaper for these organizations 

[00:34:35] Angie Yu: [00:34:35] cheaper, 

[00:34:38]Kristy Yee: [00:34:38] That's it. 

[00:34:38]Angie Yu: [00:34:38] Okay. So 

[00:34:40] Kristy Yee: [00:34:40] what do you make of that? 

[00:34:41]Angie Yu: [00:34:41] I have no idea what this hinge thing is because I did not go on any more dates after that. CJ cake, give her one, 

[00:34:50] Kristy Yee: [00:34:50] your journal begs to differ.

[00:34:52]Angie Yu: [00:34:52] So it might've just been like a communication of some sort. 

[00:34:55]Kristy Yee: [00:34:55] Well, you did say I did not draw the right boundaries. But it was dissolved into a big thing. So usually desolving yeah, just to have something dissolve. 

[00:35:06] Angie Yu: [00:35:06] It means it 

[00:35:07]Kristy Yee: [00:35:07] means it's being diluted. 

[00:35:09] Angie Yu: [00:35:09] I think what I meant is it devolved? 

[00:35:12] Kristy Yee: [00:35:12] Oh, maybe you did write devolved.

[00:35:15] I just can't read it. That those look like these now. Yeah. 

[00:35:21]Angie Yu: [00:35:21] It devolved 

[00:35:22]Kristy Yee: [00:35:22] probably into a big thing. But 

[00:35:23] Angie Yu: [00:35:23] I can't remember, remember July 

[00:35:25] Kristy Yee: [00:35:25] six, 

[00:35:27]Angie Yu: [00:35:27] huh?  I have no idea. 

[00:35:28]Kristy Yee: [00:35:28] How do you feel about work now? 

[00:35:30]Angie Yu: [00:35:30] Um, I'm in a much better place now. Yeah. So that was, um, July six was probably about a month after I returned to work.

[00:35:37] And it was really hard because, I went on, leave from work. Before COVID started. So when I returned to work, I thought it would be easy cause it's work from home, but it was really hard because everyone was already into the swing of things. And I was just trying to get started on it, getting used to working from home and managing my time and like, Being able to be productive at home.

[00:35:56]Kristy Yee: [00:35:56] I think because there's two things that you had to learn. One was getting back to the work routine and then two is, okay, well now I gotta do this. I fucking home. 

[00:36:05] Angie Yu: [00:36:05] Yup. Exactly. 

[00:36:06] Kristy Yee: [00:36:06] So there's two learning curves there. Yeah. It made it even extra difficult. 

[00:36:10] Angie Yu: [00:36:10] Yeah. 

[00:36:11] Kristy Yee: [00:36:11] Yeah. 

[00:36:11] Angie Yu: [00:36:11] And there was also a lot of like internalized pressure because I'm like.

[00:36:16]I wasn't performing before I went on my leave. I need to perform now. So it was like, if I fuck up, then it's going to look really bad. And then I have that fear and then that fear to build it deep debilitates me. And then I don't want to do it even more. Whew. Yeah, it was a, it started off kind of rough, but now that it's October, things are much 

[00:36:38] Kristy Yee: [00:36:38] better.

[00:36:38]And we talked about this before, too, where, you know, you put so much value on yourself based off your work performance. 

[00:36:47] Angie Yu: [00:36:47] Yeah. You put so much emphasis on like, Hey, I'm only worth being alive. If I can be this, or if I can do this. 

[00:36:56]Kristy Yee: [00:36:56] And I think there are some. Oh, well, for me, uh, I'm going to totally sprinkle in imposter syndrome when it comes to like anything related to work.

[00:37:05]And so then you feel like you have, you have to approve yourself all the time. So he got to Excel. He got to be so good. You know, you gotta be at the top. And then when you don't, then you feel like such a failure. Like you're a loser. They're going to find out that you suck, you're an imposter and then they'll fire you.

[00:37:22] Yeah. And then, and then who are you without having that title? Right, right. Like who do you to be? You don't deserve to be here. 

[00:37:31] Angie Yu: [00:37:31] You 

[00:37:32] Kristy Yee: [00:37:32] don't got that fancy ass work title and your business card because that's all that you are valuable for. Yep. And you laugh because it sounds stupid, but it's coming from another voice.

[00:37:44] But when that voice is in your head, Oh boy, it does that, that sounds like logic when it's in your own head. Yeah. 

[00:37:50] Angie Yu: [00:37:50] And I mean, like that's how we've been programmed. so it's okay to think like that. Just remember that that's not true. Um, and it's not your fault for thinking like that. Um, Yeah. And I was really scared to go back to work also because man, there's so much of me in my journal because it's all for my recent year and there's just been so much shit in my year.

[00:38:12] Like there's just been so much drama, you know? So I feel like you're getting like all the juicy stuff. 

[00:38:17] Kristy Yee: [00:38:17] Yeah. Well, 2018 seemed pretty dark to me. 

[00:38:20] Angie Yu: [00:38:20] 2018 was really dark for you. We're going to come back to that. 

[00:38:22] Kristy Yee: [00:38:22] Okie dokies. No 2018. I can't have been in school.

[00:38:26]Angie Yu: [00:38:26] And why were you going to UBC? 

[00:38:28] Kristy Yee: [00:38:28] I think I was working. I recognize that name blank. You said blank. Plenty up. I was like, who the fuck is this person? I just occurred to me was a colleague of mine. I was wondering UBC hospital. Oh 

[00:38:41] Angie Yu: [00:38:41] yeah. The job that you hated. No, that was a VGA. Was the VGH that you hated? 

[00:38:46]Kristy Yee: [00:38:46] Um, I highly disliked.

[00:38:47]The work. Oh, 

[00:38:49] Angie Yu: [00:38:49] okay. 

[00:38:50] Kristy Yee: [00:38:50] Anyways. Yeah. 2018.

[00:38:51] I was working. Yeah. Yeah. Cause that sounded 

[00:38:54]Angie Yu: [00:38:54] that's recent, too recent for you to be in school. 

[00:38:56]

[00:38:56]   Kristy Yee: [00:39:00] So you said you found something else in my journal, or did you say you were going 

[00:39:04] Angie Yu: [00:39:04] to waste and no, I said, okay, I'm going to read your next one now, because I feel like I want to find something that's not dream related.

[00:39:12]Kristy Yee: [00:39:12] I know I saw Andrew flipping. I can see at least I Mark them at the top that the dreams 

[00:39:20] Angie Yu: [00:39:20] that's very, it's like, you knew this was gonna happen. I'm just kidding. 

[00:39:24]Kristy Yee: [00:39:24] You never know. 

[00:39:24] Angie Yu: [00:39:24] Who's going to read your diary. It looks like another dream thing because it's so messy. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh. On the fuck. That's another dream, 

[00:39:31]Kristy Yee: [00:39:31] but that one looks like it's legible.

[00:39:34]Angie Yu: [00:39:34] That's what I thought about the one where you killed all the people.  Is this 

[00:39:39] Kristy Yee: [00:39:39] still giving me goosebumps. Okay. This looks, sounds promising. You're laughing like 

[00:39:44] Angie Yu: [00:39:44] that. Okay. This is, this is from two months ago, three months ago. Oh dear. I know. Wow. 

[00:39:51] Kristy Yee: [00:39:51] That was a big slur. That was like a juicy slur. 

[00:39:54]Angie Yu: [00:39:54] Okay. First of all, it says at the top.

[00:39:56]In bed with dill pickle chips.

[00:40:03] Kristy Yee: [00:40:03] Yo, I like to paint a setting.

[00:40:07]Angie Yu: [00:40:07] Oh my God. Your journals are so funny. I just want to like clarify the reason why my journals are so depressing. It's because I write like, You know, it's the things that are more uncomfortable talking out loud about in my journal. I 

[00:40:18] Kristy Yee: [00:40:18] do. 

[00:40:19] Angie Yu: [00:40:19] I know your journal is so funny. I guess the killing people want. Yeah, that's not, it's not so much, but, but I would like to hear that you can talk to me for that stuff, but this is so funny.

[00:40:31] I love this. I love this. So Christie embed with dill pickle chips, 10:58 PM. Monday 13th of 2020. This is. Oh detail. I love it. This is like making a set. This is like setting the setting the scene, 

[00:40:45] Kristy Yee: [00:40:45] summer note. I always wanted to be in film. 

[00:40:48] Angie Yu: [00:40:48] Oh, I think I, I do. I think, do you think it's like a dream of everyone's like, it'd be kind of cool to be in film cause we watch it so 

[00:40:55] Kristy Yee: [00:40:55] much maybe anyways.

[00:40:57]Angie Yu: [00:40:57] Yeah. So this is July 13th, middle of pandemic, the sun's ablazing. masks be wearing, I don't know, anyway, 

[00:41:04]  Kristy Yee: [00:41:05] hard. And then you frown it 

[00:41:06] Angie Yu: [00:41:06] and then you you're like, I'm going to get 

[00:41:08] Kristy Yee: [00:41:08] into, this is going to be hilarious. And then the first thing you do is 

[00:41:10] Angie Yu: [00:41:10] frown. Cause I was trying to read your writing. That's why I found hard to journal when I eat chips with my right hand, but also write in.

[00:41:20] Kristy Yee: [00:41:20] Well, I write with my right hand too. So I guess if I'm eating my hand, 

[00:41:23] Angie Yu: [00:41:23] instead of you didn't even, right, right. you wrote the letter R and then you circled it. 

[00:41:28]Kristy Yee: [00:41:28] Oh yeah, I do that. I do that with rights and lefts.  But 

[00:41:32] Angie Yu: [00:41:32] also right in right hand.

[00:41:33]Oh, the struggles.

[00:41:39] Oh my God. I love this. I love that. This is so good. We're getting inside. Christie's ahead of y'all. This is so much fun. It's 

[00:41:49] Kristy Yee: [00:41:49] like two sentences 

[00:41:50] Angie Yu: [00:41:50] gone today.  God diagnosed.  With rosacea. 

[00:41:57] Kristy Yee: [00:41:57] I was like, what the fuck did I get diagnosed with? 

[00:41:59]Angie Yu: [00:41:59] Well, maybe we'll try some treatments and go from there. Had asked for a dermatologist referral, but God denied.

[00:42:08]Oh shit. What's who denied you? Give me his number. I'm going to go hunt him down. This might be why my face gets red after alcohol too, both have been happening you wrote few years, you crossed out few and years, and then you wrote last year, question Mark. So it reads but happening for the last last year,

[00:42:28] I know here comes the bullet points.

[00:42:31] Kristy Yee: [00:42:33] I don't know what to expect anymore. 

[00:42:34]Angie Yu: [00:42:34] I can't, I can't. Oh my God. This is so hard for me. 

[00:42:38]God. Oh, God signs. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm just going to not look at you.

[00:42:46]  Kristy Yee: [00:42:49] journal entry. I'm pouring my heart out and you're laughing. I'm not trying to write comedy. 

[00:42:59]Angie Yu: [00:42:59] Like you cannot make this shit up. Like so good. I'm sorry that you're editing this episode. 

[00:43:07] Kristy Yee: [00:43:07] Oh God. I'm just going to keep everything. 

[00:43:11] Angie Yu: [00:43:11] Oh my God. Signs of old age.

[00:43:16]Kristy Yee: [00:43:16]     It's not that funny.

[00:43:22]Do you need a minute? Do you need a moment? 

[00:43:24]Angie Yu: [00:43:24] I'm just going to not look at it before I read. I

[00:43:27] I read the first word I'm dying. I can't breathe. Oh, okay. Maybe we should take a minute. 

[00:43:35] Kristy Yee: [00:43:35] Yo, this is like my deep dark secrets. 

[00:43:38] Angie Yu: [00:43:38] So disease.

[00:43:41] A lot of people say that young people say you want to know, 

[00:43:48] Kristy Yee: [00:43:48] get some life signs. Here's another one.

[00:43:52]Angie Yu: [00:43:52] I don't know what it is. I think when we started laughing, he just kept going, why is this so uncontrollable? 

[00:43:58]Kristy Yee: [00:43:58] Maybe part of it is the nerves from earlier and it just needs to express that energy in some other form. 

[00:44:06] Yeah, she is still laughing.

[00:44:07] You can't hear her, but she's still laughing. She's trying to swallow things. She did it now.     

[00:44:19] Angie Yu: [00:44:19] It's not like it's not what wrote. And it's just like me imagining you sitting on your bed, writing this with dill, pickle chips. And you're like really serious signs of old age. I just, I cannot French, French, like it's so wholesome. 

[00:44:35] Kristy Yee: [00:44:35] Okay. 

[00:44:36]Angie Yu: [00:44:36] And it's so different from your dreams like her

[00:44:42]so disturbing, and your reality is so wholesome. 

[00:44:46]Kristy Yee: [00:44:46] Well, I'm glad that it's the reality. That's wholesome, not the other way around, 

[00:44:50] Angie Yu: [00:44:50] like your dreams are almost this like release of your dark side, that everyone has a dark side. 

[00:44:55]Kristy Yee: [00:44:55] Right. So, sure. 

[00:44:56]Angie Yu: [00:44:56] Okay. 

[00:44:57] Kristy Yee: [00:44:57] You good? 

[00:44:58] Angie Yu: [00:44:58] Yeah, I think so. So signs of old age. Gastro itis post spicy foods.

[00:45:04]Is that how you smell like gas, drip? Gastroschisis is what you wrote is 

[00:45:09] Kristy Yee: [00:45:09] gastrics. Yeah, it's just, it's not a 

[00:45:11] Angie Yu: [00:45:11] real like gas, 

[00:45:14] Kristy Yee: [00:45:14] gastritis, 

[00:45:15] Angie Yu: [00:45:15] gastritis. like double over fetal position lasts one to two hours 

[00:45:20]Kristy Yee: [00:45:20] Just GI pains. 

[00:45:22] Angie Yu: [00:45:22] GI pains. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I get those too. So you shouldn't be eating spicy food. We just had a 

[00:45:27] Kristy Yee: [00:45:27] whole, I fucking care.

[00:45:31]Otherwise I could become dark. You 

[00:45:33] Angie Yu: [00:45:33] don't know? Yeah. And then those, those killings aren't dreams. 

[00:45:37] Kristy Yee: [00:45:37] No, no, no. Don't put that on the universe. 

[00:45:40] Angie Yu: [00:45:40] Okay. Sorry. Let's get back in. Get back in. Um, more dill, pickle chips, second sign of old age legs, fall asleep, easily. Like after a few minutes, I'm doing really well by the way, because my instinct would be to just laugh my ass off legs, fall asleep easily.

[00:45:57] Like after a few times, would that be aging? 

[00:46:01]Kristy Yee: [00:46:01] I think it is. It's poor circulation. 

[00:46:02] Angie Yu: [00:46:02] Oh, poor circulation. Oh, that's why old people like sauna so much. 

[00:46:07]Third sign of old age rosacea supposed to start one 30. 

[00:46:13] Kristy Yee: [00:46:13] See, fucking 30. I've mentioned this a few times. 30 sucks for me. 

[00:46:17]Angie Yu: [00:46:17] Well, you've got 20 days.

[00:46:19]Kristy Yee: [00:46:19] days. Yeah, 

[00:46:27] Angie Yu: [00:46:27] you better eat all the spicy food he can before. Cause I'm going to 

[00:46:31] Kristy Yee: [00:46:31] double over and be in fetal position with my legs, numb and rosacea 

[00:46:34] Angie Yu: [00:46:34] on my 

[00:46:35] Kristy Yee: [00:46:35] face. Still pickles  crumbs. 

[00:46:37]Angie Yu: [00:46:37] Yes, exactly. A fourth sign of old age.

[00:46:41] There's some part of the body that hurts these three. 

[00:46:50] Kristy Yee: [00:46:50] That's true. There's always some part of my body, at least three parts that have pain. 

[00:46:55] Angie Yu: [00:46:55] Yes. I completely agree. 

[00:46:57] Kristy Yee: [00:46:57] Where are your parts right now? 

[00:46:58]Angie Yu: [00:46:58] Um, so I have this like not in my left shoulder. 

[00:47:01] That's been kind of acting up since like 2014. So that's always there and then, uh, my lower back, um, because I don't get to move around, you know, and, and my neck. Yeah, 

[00:47:14]Kristy Yee: [00:47:14] very standard. Um, probably all of those right now. If  I close my eyes and I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to feel and be in tune with my body.

[00:47:22]I feel that not, I guess it's not in between my left shoulder blades. So that's a problem area.  my left butt cheek, 

[00:47:30]Angie Yu: [00:47:30] I don't 

[00:47:31] Kristy Yee: [00:47:31] know, actually now everything's on the left and then my left temple temple, no brain brain. Skull right above my ears. Take my ears. And then you go up. Yeah, yeah. That area is not the goods, right? Hm huh. What the fuck is wrong with my left side? Not 

[00:47:46] Angie Yu: [00:47:46] interesting. Do you sleep on your left 

[00:47:48] Kristy Yee: [00:47:48] side or somebody sleep on my back?

[00:47:50] Actually, I just sleep flat on my back. 

[00:47:53] Angie Yu: [00:47:53] I sleep on my stomach. 

[00:47:54] Kristy Yee: [00:47:54] That is it's supposed to be the worst position it is. 

[00:47:57]Angie Yu: [00:47:57] So I'll go to sleep on my back and then I'll wake up all my stomach. 

[00:48:02]Kristy Yee: [00:48:02] Oh, yeah, I move, 

[00:48:04] Angie Yu: [00:48:04] I move a lot, a lot, a lot in my sleep. This is why sometimes I wake up and I'm like, why am I so tired? Do you 

[00:48:09] Kristy Yee: [00:48:09] ever find yourself?

[00:48:11] Are you like in a different 

[00:48:12] Angie Yu: [00:48:12] orientation? 

[00:48:13]Kristy Yee: [00:48:13] Yes. Like, do you ever sleep on the front of the bed and you wake up at the end of the week? Wow. That is 

[00:48:18] Angie Yu: [00:48:18] a lot of movement. 

[00:48:19] Kristy Yee: [00:48:19] It's a lot of movement, 

[00:48:20]Angie Yu: [00:48:20] especially when I was younger, I moved a lot. Like, it would be a surprise if I woke up in the same position. And, and my friends who have shared a bed with me before, Oh, that would not be fun.

[00:48:31] Yeah. So I like, I move around so much that like, I hit people, not like punch, all like swing my arms and then it'll like hit someone in the face. So my exit that I punched him in the face. I don't remember. I claim, I don't remember. He's like, Oh, you claim you too. I'm like, I seriously don't remember.

[00:48:49]And then when I shared a bed with my friend, uh, when we were in, she said, I hit her coochie rolled over. It just went. Boom. So yeah, it's not, not the funds. This is not, this is not going on my hinge profile. 

[00:49:02]Kristy Yee: [00:49:02] Moves around need to know these things. You know, you might find the one somebody might want that could be looking for that in a mate.

[00:49:09]So 

[00:49:09] I 

[00:49:09] Angie Yu: [00:49:09] just read your fifth one. Okay. That's a sign up all day. It's easier to gain weight. Not sure about this one 

[00:49:16] Kristy Yee: [00:49:16] yet where I write not sure about this one yet. 

[00:49:18] Angie Yu: [00:49:18] Yeah, you did. Huh? It is. I mean, Our metabolism does slow down. 

[00:49:23] Kristy Yee: [00:49:23] It's active thing that it's easier to gain weight as you age.  the way that I explained, Oh my God, I don't want to get into work stuff. But just quick, quick, the way that I explain it is like your RSP that you want to keep saving it up for a rainy day. Because when you get older, there's higher chance that you're going to be sick.

[00:49:40]Angie Yu: [00:49:40] Oh, with RSP, 

[00:49:41]Kristy Yee: [00:49:41] R R S P O your RRSP or your RSP. So you're on the, I thought 

[00:49:45] Angie Yu: [00:49:45] I was a dietician.  

[00:49:48] Kristy Yee: [00:49:48] registered retirement savings plan. Yeah

[00:49:52]Angie Yu: [00:49:52] in the U S that would be like 401k. 

[00:49:54]Yes. Yes. So anyways, it's like, you're saving yourself up, for a rainy day because when you get older, there's higher chance that you're going to get sick.

[00:50:01] And when you're sick, you need energy. You need to boost your immune system. You need to fight it off either, uh, an acute sickness or a chronic sickness. And because there's a higher chance of that, then your body's kind of saved, starting to save for these reserves. Um, so with 

[00:50:13] the fat cells, 

[00:50:14]Kristy Yee: [00:50:14] Yeah, fat cells cause fat is energy.

[00:50:16] Yeah. And so it's a good thing. It's a protective thing that your body's doing to like gain a little bit of weight. 

[00:50:22]but anyways, 

[00:50:23] Angie Yu: [00:50:23] you know, second puberty.

[00:50:25] It's like when our hips come in, I feel like women go through a second puberty where our hips get bigger. Okay. bigger so that we can push a bio 

[00:50:32] Kristy Yee: [00:50:32] child. Oh my God. I was going to say child bearing and 

[00:50:38] Angie Yu: [00:50:38] child. Yeah. Childbearing hips. Like 

[00:50:41]Kristy Yee: [00:50:41] that makes sense. 

[00:50:42]Angie Yu: [00:50:42] Um, and then we also gain weight in other places again, because it's like our, body's preparing us to go through this, like growing another human being inside us.

[00:50:52] Right. Yeah. 

[00:50:53]Kristy Yee: [00:50:53] It's interesting that I wrote that 

[00:50:54] Angie Yu: [00:50:54] though. Interesting. You wrote not sure about this one yet. Maybe you meant like, I don't like it shouldn't be happening. Yeah. So it's probably not a sign like, and also, I don't think you've gained weight 

[00:51:05]Kristy Yee: [00:51:05] also. Why does that matter? 

[00:51:06] Angie Yu: [00:51:06] Exactly. Cause I, so that's why I was really intrigued when I saw that.

[00:51:09] Cause I'm like, you're the one who's always like, don't focus on your weight. Don't worry. It goes on your wage. 

[00:51:14] Kristy Yee: [00:51:14] So very interesting.  you know, We learn all of this, right? This session with wait, this like need to be a certain size so that we can value ourselves so that we can be loved, et cetera.

[00:51:25] We learned that, and I am also a product of the society that I live in. So I wonder if there's still a lot of healing to be done in that because I did go through, um, uh, I would say a pretty big phase in my life where wait was basically. I'm pretty sure. I know I am, for sure. I had disordered eating behaviors,  . So it's a big history. And I wonder if  there's still some unresolved things. And that just kind of spilled out in my journal entry here. Yeah. And I just, 

[00:51:57] Angie Yu: [00:51:57] I can see that even like, even like there pistes go to therapy.

[00:52:01] Right. You know, like, just because you're an expert in an area doesn't mean that. You don't have any work to do in that area yourself? 

[00:52:09] Kristy Yee: [00:52:09] Yeah, for sure. 

[00:52:10]Angie Yu: [00:52:10] Um, so I think that's totally okay. And I just thought it was interesting. You wrote that like not in a bad way. Yeah. 

[00:52:15] Kristy Yee: [00:52:15] Yeah. I find that interesting also. Yeah.

[00:52:17] And honestly, like a lot of dieticians that I have come across with has there's a trend that we. Many of us have displayed, disordered eating behaviors before. And that's really how it got us interested into dietetics begin with, because it was like an obsession with 

[00:52:34] Angie Yu: [00:52:34] food. 

[00:52:35] Kristy Yee: [00:52:35] And then it wasn't until like later on, and now we're starting to learn more about this and that.

[00:52:40] Oh, everything that I was basically taught as bullshit  about diets and weight loss and all of that stuff is, is actually garbage. And now  we're unlearning and we're learning again. As professionals. Yeah. And now we want to help more people do that. Yeah. So I started 

[00:52:55] Angie Yu: [00:52:55] following these accounts on Instagram, after we talked about it last time offline, we talked about all of that stuff and I've started following these like healthy, pro I don't know, what's that word?

[00:53:07] Like? Anti diet. They're not even like anti diet. They just, like, 

[00:53:10] Kristy Yee: [00:53:10] there are many things terms and there there's, there's actually a lot of confusion with the terms and misuse of the terms as well, but there's a few. There is a movement, um, called health at every size. there's also the practice of intuitive eating the practice of mindful eating.

[00:53:27] Yes, there's also the, uh, anti diet is the thing. The thing is these buzzwords, um, for folks who don't actually understand its true practice and the roots Of where these principles come from are kind of misusing the words. Like there can be some people who misuse it. Yeah. So that's when it gets a little bit concerning.

[00:53:46] Cause we're like trying to be all raw about this shit, but then, and that's why for me, I'm still learning about this. So that's why I never labeled myself as a haze dietician, for example. Right. Because I don't feel qualified to be doing that yet because I haven't fully understand. The concept in an internalized it, yeah.

[00:54:06]Angie Yu: [00:54:06] Yeah. That makes sense. Um, like even from the accounts that I follow, I follow like a bunch of plus sized fitness people. And then, um, someone I follow who does before and after photos on. So I know before, um, Instagram versus like actual photo, 

[00:54:21]she will show people like how Instagram models pose and why they look like that and how it's not realistic.

[00:54:28]So I really liked that account. I think it's a very good way to remind people like, Hey, what you see on Instagram is a photo and people spent hours to get that photo. And it's not realistic. You're not going to stand there with your butt. Like, 

[00:54:42] Kristy Yee: [00:54:42] Popped up, popped up like that, 

[00:54:44] Angie Yu: [00:54:44] you know? yeah.

[00:54:45] And then the dieticians, they are always about like, yeah, like, like what you said, like your fucking trips, like your dill pickle chips. Christy is a registered dietician and she eats dill pickle chips in bed at 10:58 PM. 

[00:55:00]Kristy Yee: [00:55:00] Yeah. and I'm not writing about the chips I'm writing about fucking getting old and my back pains.

[00:55:06] Angie Yu: [00:55:06] So yeah, there is like a necessity between eating comfort food when we're not feeling so positive. And I had to be more mindful of that recently, because of course, like everyone talks about how, like the COVID-19. The 19 pounds that you gained during quarantine? Hmm. Yeah. you know, like we're not moving as much and we're home all the time and we feel kind of down about the state of the world and you're gonna come for eat because our body releases good feelings when we eat carbs 

[00:55:36]Kristy Yee: [00:55:36] people are going to comfort eat and that's okay. The thing is it's. Just like , any other type of stress management and you want to have multiple different types of, of ways to manage your stress. You want to have multiple different people that you can go to. You want to have different methods to lean on when it's stressful times.

[00:55:55] I think the issue is not so much the eating for comfort. It's the, this is all I know. There's no other, there's no other thing that I know of. And that's not healthy for anything. That's right. It's not emotional eating or stress eating or comfort eating. If it's say it's something else. So it's like the only thing I know is alcohol, or the only thing I know is just to call NG and all I'm going to do is just talk to Angie.

[00:56:18]And I have no other mechanisms to manage my stress. That's not healthy either. right, right. It could be anything. It could be like obsessively, just watching TV for 36 hours. That's my only stress management, right? Yeah. That's not healthy. So it's not to say don't comfort eat. . Comfort eating is going to be one of your tools, but it can't be the only tool in your toolbox.

[00:56:41]Angie Yu: [00:56:41] That's a very, very 

[00:56:42] Kristy Yee: [00:56:42] good summary. Yeah. Alright, moving on. 

[00:56:45]Angie Yu: [00:56:45] Um, the rest of your entry goes . so blank mentioned we were half our current age when we used to play competitive tennis. Well, first my skills have an improved second. Wow.

[00:56:56]It sounds like you're putting yourself down 

[00:56:58] Kristy Yee: [00:56:58] a little bit, I guess. I think I'm just really upset about being old. Yeah. The 30 let's talk about that. 

[00:57:05]Angie Yu: [00:57:05] We are. An hour  in. 

[00:57:07] Kristy Yee: [00:57:07] Oh dear. 

[00:57:07] Angie Yu: [00:57:07] I know. But there was a lot of laughing, 

[00:57:10]I feel like we're getting to the juice so we should keep talking. 

[00:57:13] And you're turning 30 in 20 days. 

[00:57:15] Kristy Yee: [00:57:15] Yeah. I'm slowly, very slowly. Feeling a little bit better about it that it's not the end of the world, but that was what I was feeling a year ago. Okay. Even more than a year ago, maybe like two years ago, I started to feel this looming big three O coming and as months gone by, and as the years gone by the two years.

[00:57:37]The anxiety got higher and higher because I'm nearing that big three. Oh. And I don't really know what it is about. I think there's a few things, but I just, it feels like so much, so much of my life has gone by, and that's really scary, you know, it's like, I'm closer to death. 

[00:57:54] Angie Yu: [00:57:54] closer to  

[00:57:58] Kristy Yee: [00:57:58] we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but it feels like there's all these things that I wanted to do.

[00:58:04] And not so much check box. Maybe they are check boxes, but not like, well, maybe they are, wow. I'm really Teeter tottering right now. 

[00:58:11]Angie Yu: [00:58:11] Yeah. And I have always hated that phrase, like, Oh, you're just one day closer to death, but it's like, yeah, but it's not like I can go backwards. So what's the point of being like, Oh, I'm one day closer to death when there is only one direction to go in life 

[00:58:26] Kristy Yee: [00:58:26] know, but it just feels like, okay, the time left for me to do all the things I want to do is shortened.

[00:58:32]And I think, 

[00:58:33]30.

[00:58:34]Okay. Here's what I think when you're young, we were told , you have your whole life to do all these things. Like there's all these possibilities. I'm not saying this as like a millennial list. I'm just saying as a young person, you feel like the days ahead is long and stretch and that you can have all these endless summers and it's all good.

[00:58:54] No, one's counting down anything but 30. if we are lucky to live until 90, then 30 means I'm one third into my life.  So how many more hopes and dreams can still be achieved within that time? So what I'm saying is that, you know, that long stretch of road that I used to see as a kid and beyond, cause it's just a horizon now it's not so much a horizon.

[00:59:21] Like I can kind of see the end, even though no one knows how far the end is, but it just seems that much closer. And it feels like the possibilities are not as endless anymore. And now I have to pick and choose the things that I truly want to do with the limited amount of time that I have left. 

[00:59:37]Angie Yu: [00:59:37] It's it's a very real feeling.

[00:59:38] And it's something that has been written about by a lot of people before us. Um, what comes to my mind when you talk about  all these endless choices and. They just seems like there's less choices. Remind me of the excerpt about the fig tree, uh, from the book, the bell jar by  Sylvia, Plath 

[00:59:57]Kristy Yee: [00:59:57] she's like a, 

[00:59:58]Angie Yu: [00:59:58] someone who was very intelligent, um, highly depressed.

[01:00:02]And she wrote a book called the bell jar because the bell jar is like, you know, those jars, that cover pastries, that like the bell jar, she says that being a woman is like living inside a bell jar. 

[01:00:14]Kristy Yee: [01:00:14] Okay. That's sad. 

[01:00:15]Angie Yu: [01:00:15] Right. Um, this was also like the sixties, so it wasn't even that long way through the sixties.

[01:00:20] 1860s, maybe. I don't remember. 

[01:00:21] Kristy Yee: [01:00:21] That's huge 

[01:00:22] Angie Yu: [01:00:22] difference. I can't remember 1860 and 1960. Yeah. I feel like it's. Maybe twenties. I don't know. I can't remember. 

[01:00:30]Kristy Yee: [01:00:30] Okay. Can we, 

[01:00:31]Angie Yu: [01:00:31] okay, let me go, go 

[01:00:33] Kristy Yee: [01:00:33] my phone. 

[01:00:34] Angie Yu: [01:00:34] um, 1930s, 

[01:00:35] Kristy Yee: [01:00:35] 1932. She was, Oh my God. Her birthday. 

[01:00:38] Angie Yu: [01:00:38] Oh my God.

[01:00:39] Oh, my God. Wow. 

[01:00:44] Kristy Yee: [01:00:44] Speaking of turning 30. 

[01:00:46] Angie Yu: [01:00:46] So, so we just Google, uh, one Sylvia Plath was born and she shares the same birth date  uh, as Christie. So that was kind of creepy. 

[01:00:54]Kristy Yee: [01:00:54] When did she write this book? Please tell me she wrote it in her 30th year. 

[01:00:57]Angie Yu: [01:00:57] I don't know. But, um, that's all I'm going to tell you about her because.

[01:01:02]Everything else about her is kind of sad, but she was actually quite a joyful woman. A lot of people think she was just, I was really depressed person, but she had her Joyce too. Um, she just felt really limited as a woman in her time. And we all know why. 

[01:01:14]Kristy Yee: [01:01:14] And there's another perfect example of how a person can be depressed, but still have joy.

[01:01:21]You know, it's not one or the other. No, 

[01:01:23] Angie Yu: [01:01:23] no, it's not. uh, Oh, I forgot where I was 

[01:01:25] Kristy Yee: [01:01:25] going 

[01:01:25] Angie Yu: [01:01:25] with this, because this is such a, 

[01:01:27]Kristy Yee: [01:01:27] I was talking about like how there's not a lot of time left. 

[01:01:30] Angie Yu: [01:01:30] Yeah. And I have, and like, like girl know, like that's the only thing I can say is like, I feel the same and I know that, um, listeners out there, you guys might feel the same too.

[01:01:40] And I especially felt that I think when I was 

[01:01:43] Kristy Yee: [01:01:43] 25, ah, I felt like I was. A 

[01:01:47] Angie Yu: [01:01:47] bird, but inside a 

[01:01:49] Kristy Yee: [01:01:49] cage. So you're trapped. Yeah. Inside a really nice cage. Yeah. Like I used to talk about how I want to 

[01:01:55] Angie Yu: [01:01:55] go live in other parts of the world. And then my mom would be like, but why you have this so good here? 

[01:02:01]Kristy Yee: [01:02:01] And 

[01:02:01] Angie Yu: [01:02:01] it's like, well, yeah, but.

[01:02:03]How can, I know it's good here until I've experienced other things, which it sounds so privileged. And so like, you know, developed world bullshit, 

[01:02:11] Kristy Yee: [01:02:11] but I also think it's necessary. It's real like the emotional you need that perspective too. 

[01:02:16]Angie Yu: [01:02:16] Yeah. sometimes, like, I feel like  people go through.

[01:02:19]B's life crises. You either realize that life is really short or you realize that life is really long. 

[01:02:26]Kristy Yee: [01:02:26] Oh, I definitely feel like life is very short. Yeah. And that's why I have a fucking tattooed on me that says live because I need to remind myself to fucking live. Otherwise it's just going to go away.

[01:02:39] Angie Yu: [01:02:39] What's your definition of living 

[01:02:42]Kristy Yee: [01:02:42] to do the things that you want to do? 

[01:02:44]Angie Yu: [01:02:44] And what do you want to do? 

[01:02:45]Kristy Yee: [01:02:45] I right now, right now, I want to be in, I want to be in a beach house by myself and read and make tea and watch the ocean. 

[01:02:57] Angie Yu: [01:02:57] Okay. That sounds really nice. Because I'm really cold right now.

[01:03:02]and why can't you do that now? Like right now, why can you be at a 

[01:03:07] Kristy Yee: [01:03:07] beach making tea, 

[01:03:09]Angie Yu: [01:03:09] watching the waves come in,

[01:03:11]Kristy Yee: [01:03:11] responsibilities. 

[01:03:12]Angie Yu: [01:03:12] Okay. And. What would happen if you abandoned these responsibilities

[01:03:17]Kristy Yee: [01:03:17] for how long, however long I want. Yeah, I know

[01:03:23]Angie Yu: [01:03:23] you emphasized right now. You want to do this, so you're not saying like you want to spend the rest of your life in a beach house, drinking tea. Because that would get boring real 

[01:03:32] Kristy Yee: [01:03:32] fast. Yep. That desire. Well, no longer.

[01:03:39]Angie Yu: [01:03:39] Yeah, that was 

[01:03:40] Kristy Yee: [01:03:40] good. I must say I got to give myself some of that 

[01:03:45] Angie Yu: [01:03:45] stuff. Stop deflecting. Um, 

[01:03:48] Kristy Yee: [01:03:48] what's gonna happen is, um,

[01:03:50]I might lose my job cause I probably want to do it for a little bit longer than what I, what is considered acceptable in a job setting? Um, I would feel guilty for my, like about abandoning my mom. Um, okay. And I would feel shit about money. Cause it means I have to spend a lot of money to do that. Okay.

[01:04:10] Let's talk about those 

[01:04:11] Angie Yu: [01:04:11] three, your job. Okay. Um, I think it's interesting that I came first. 

[01:04:16]Kristy Yee: [01:04:16] Yes. Because I spend most of my waking hours doing job related stuff. 

[01:04:20] Angie Yu: [01:04:20] Right. That's true. Um,

[01:04:22]true. And you value your job and that's totally okay. Um, some people don't as much and that's okay too. yeah, I guess, well, you can't take vacation. Let's let's put aside the fact that we can't even travel right now, but like I was pretending like it's summer right now. And there is no COVID you can't even ask for like two weeks off.

[01:04:40] Kristy Yee: [01:04:40] So I don't have, okay. Let's let's like get into the logistics, so I'll have a lot of vacation time and I saved it all for Christmas, basically. Okay. And that's all the vacation time that I have. 

[01:04:50] Angie Yu: [01:04:50] And for Christmas, are you going to a beach somewhere to drink tea?

[01:04:53] Kristy Yee: [01:04:53] No. 

[01:04:54]Angie Yu: [01:04:54] What are you doing for Christmas? Oh, would 

[01:04:55] Kristy Yee: [01:04:55] probably, I would in my fantasy, which will might happen, um, for a few days is to be on my couch and watch a whole bunch of shitty Christmas movies on Netflix. 

[01:05:06] Angie Yu: [01:05:06] Okay. That actually sounds really 

[01:05:07] Kristy Yee: [01:05:07] nice. Yeah. I love that. That's the best. 

[01:05:09] Angie Yu: [01:05:09] Okay. Moving on to the second one.

[01:05:12]Kristy Yee: [01:05:12] Yeah. Um, 

[01:05:12] Angie Yu: [01:05:12] mom, the mom one, we feel guilty for not. For because you won't be able to, you won't be there to take care of her. Correct. 

[01:05:19] Kristy Yee: [01:05:19] Cause she's still, she's not a hundred percent right now. she's getting better, but she's not a hundred percent. So I feel guilty about that. And then also the, I guess the excess, the other responsibilities that she might have to take on while I'm away.

[01:05:32] So things like managing the tenants, managing the laneway house happening, Like. Little things like that, you know? and she will feel, um, I don't want her to feel anxious if something happens to the house and then she doesn't know what to do.

[01:05:46]   There was a leak somewhere, what the fuck is going to happen? You know, I know she'll figure it out, um, because I've gone away for an extended period of time before. It's just not during a time when there's so much other things going on at the same time, you know, like. Yeah, I feel like you also have a 

[01:06:00] Angie Yu: [01:06:00] lot of other things going on at the same time and you are doing this because you don't want her to get anxious.

[01:06:06]And that is where I find the whole emotional boundaries of Chinese culture. Really confusing because you not wanting her to get anxious about these things. You're emotionally managing her. You're managing her emotions without actually communicating to her about it. You know, you've never had sat down with her and asked her, Hey, if I went away for two weeks, would you be OK, dealing with tenants?

[01:06:33] Do you know how to deal with tenants? Would you be okay dealing with the layout of house? Do you know how to do it? Would you feel anxious about it? 

[01:06:39]Kristy Yee: [01:06:39] So I have gone through that conversation with her. Okay. Not recently, like I've done that when I went traveling. Mm. Because she did have to take on those responsibilities and those were one of the reasons why she didn't want me to go travel was because she didn't want to take those on.

[01:06:58] And then, so then I had to come up with, um, contingency plans. Like if this happens then like X, Y, Z, you know, And if that happens, then ABC, 

[01:07:08]Angie Yu: [01:07:08] but she did it once. Why can't she do it again? 

[01:07:11]Kristy Yee: [01:07:11] Because she's sick now,

[01:07:12]Angie Yu: [01:07:12] do you think it's healthy? How much she relies on, you 

[01:07:14] Kristy Yee: [01:07:14] know, hundred percent not. Hm, 

[01:07:16]Angie Yu: [01:07:16] it's tough.  It's hard. 

[01:07:18]Kristy Yee: [01:07:18] I think, I don't know. I think she relied so much on herself. Like it was forced reliance when she came here and then they divorced and she had nobody, like, she had to shoot. Had to rely on herself, but she was never the type of person to want to do that.

[01:07:33] Like it's not that it's not in her personality to be that person. She wants to be taken care of. Like, that's her true self. So now that she there's an opportunity now. And so she's like leeching onto it and I'm just kinda like trying to. Let it happen until there's someone else where I can just peel, peel off, peel off and throw her at someone with someone else.

[01:07:54]That sounds horrible. 

[01:07:55] Angie Yu: [01:07:55] I know. That's the nice thing to do. I don't know if that's the kind of thing to do because I feel like you're an abling her behavior in relying on other people and it doesn't help with anxiety because. She doesn't feel confident in herself because when you rely on other people, your own confidence drops, and I'm saying this because I have experience in this, like when you said that, like I relied on myself for so long growing up, I never got the emotional support that I wanted from my parents.

[01:08:26] And, uh, I never really got that from my first longterm relationship either. So in my last longterm relationship, I was like, okay, I just want to be taken care of now. So I did the same thing. I sat back and just let the other person do everything.  like emotionally, um, Ima. Yeah. Emotionally, not everything else.

[01:08:44] Kristy Yee: [01:08:44] You just like sit on the couch. Don't cook anything. You don't do the laundry. 

[01:08:49] Angie Yu: [01:08:49] Go to work just to sit at home and be a leach. No, I meant  wish no emotionally. And I think because of that, I had all these like I felt really emotionally stunted. Because of that because I was relying so much on someone else to deal with my emotions with me and for me.

[01:09:10]And, when that relationship ended, it was like, first of all, I now have nowhere to turn for emotional, like that kind of emotional labor. And I didn't know how to do it myself because I had relied on someone for so long and it's not good. It is not healthy at all. And, um, It was also a lot of work for the other person.

[01:09:29]Um, there was other things that he was codependent on on me for, and he had to learn how to do them on his own. But I feel like emotional is like even harder than financial or, or like whatever else there is out there. 

[01:09:43]Kristy Yee: [01:09:43] the easiest way for me to start. Putting up those boundaries is physically being detached.

[01:09:51] Angie Yu: [01:09:51] Yeah. 

[01:09:52]Kristy Yee: [01:09:52] And I mean, we've mentioned this before. It's just not a possibility right now,  which is why I fantasize about being on a beach house by myself. 

[01:09:59] Angie Yu: [01:09:59] I know. I know. And you know, it sounds crazy, but like, Because like, you know, as Asians were like, Oh, you need to have land and you need to have a house. Have you ever just thought about downsizing?

[01:10:11]Like is the material equity really, really worth your sanity 

[01:10:18] Kristy Yee: [01:10:18] right now? Yes.  Hundred percent. 

[01:10:22]Angie Yu: [01:10:22] Yeah. That's the, and I guess that's the shitty thing about life, right? It's always about like cost benefit analysis. Like, is this worth my sanity? Okay. Yeah, it is. It is. okay. I guess. 

[01:10:33] Kristy Yee: [01:10:33] Yeah. So for me, it's like, okay, just suck it up for a few more years, you know, and I have plans potentially of something different happening this time next year.

[01:10:47] Angie Yu: [01:10:47] Okay. As long as that's what you want. 

[01:10:49]Kristy Yee: [01:10:49] Yeah. Okay. It's just grinding now. Yeah. Yeah. 

[01:10:53]Angie Yu: [01:10:53] It's hard. Um, I had the same mentality before, like just gonna put up with this for now and then everything will become better when this happened. And then that 

[01:11:02] Kristy Yee: [01:11:02] some dangerous to that too, because then you put so much, value and hope into that.

[01:11:07] That's something that when you get there, you're pretty much setting yourself up for disappointment because there's no glitter or confetti that came with it. 

[01:11:15]Angie Yu: [01:11:15] you're setting yourself up for disappointment either way. If you get it, you'll be disappointed that it wasn't the golden ticket to happiness

[01:11:22]and, and if something happens that prevents you from getting it, period, Ben, you will be disappointed anyway. So I'm, 

[01:11:30]I don't know. I think I'm scared for you. Like I'm concerned for you, not from like, not because I think that like, your world's going to implode or anything, but I'm, I'm concerned that.

[01:11:40]You'll end up in a place where you resent your mom and that four or five years down the line that, that that image that you, had kept you going through the grind isn't enough. And you might think like, why didn't I just do this earlier? 

[01:11:56]Kristy Yee: [01:11:56] Yeah. maybe, but. I mean, I try not to live my life, looking backwards all the time.

[01:12:03]And feeling regret on things that I have done so far, I've been pretty okay with that. There's only like one that I can think of in terms of regret. So I don't really feel bad about these things. Okay. And then I also feel like. I hope it doesn't take four or five years I'm hoping it's soon. So the, you know, at least, even for now, part of my plan is things will change within the next year. 

[01:12:29]Angie Yu: [01:12:29] Okay. 

[01:12:30] Kristy Yee: [01:12:30] so the grind is not some ominous, five plus years from now kind of thing. So it might be a little bit easier. and then you said resentment. I feel like every time I have gone and, and going away for travel is different right.

[01:12:44]Than like not living in the same place. But when I, when I have been away say three months, Holy crap. My relationship with my mom is the best that it's ever been. 

[01:12:56] Angie Yu: [01:12:56] Yes. Yes, absolutely. Yes, because 

[01:13:00]Kristy Yee: [01:13:00] those boundaries 

[01:13:01] Angie Yu: [01:13:01] distance and there's boundaries and like you don't have to be in each other's hair all the time.

[01:13:06] Like I can tell my mom is happier because because she's not worrying about me all the time. Like that distance is not only is it good for you? It's good for your mom, right? It's good for both sides. Um, because I'm sure if she doesn't want to be represented either. And she believe me, there was points where she resents you too, but she just was to show it because moms have been putting up with our BS since the day we came out of their vagina.

[01:13:31]So 

[01:13:32] Kristy Yee: [01:13:32] I think for moms, the resentment tolerance is much higher. So I think it takes a lot, a lot, a lot 

[01:13:37] Angie Yu: [01:13:37] to 

[01:13:39] Kristy Yee: [01:13:39] like, even be in that realm of resentment, um, where they're flesh and blood. 

[01:13:43] Angie Yu: [01:13:43] We're always going to be their babies. 

[01:13:45] Kristy Yee: [01:13:45] Yeah. See, this is why do I want to have kids? 

[01:13:49] Angie Yu: [01:13:49] Why? Because you don't want to unconditionally love someone.

[01:13:54]Kristy Yee: [01:13:54] I don't want to have to have all that emotional responsibility.  Yeah. I don't want to unconditionally love someone. I want to unconditionally love myself. 

[01:14:02]Angie Yu: [01:14:02] You have, you have to unconditionally love yourself first before you unconditionally love someone else. And a lot of times our moms were never taught that.

[01:14:11] So they unconditionally loved us and they didn't know how to unconditionally love themselves. And then we don't learn how to unconditionally love ourselves and then the cycle continues. But I think what our generation has been working on is learning to love ourselves and breaking that cycle. And.

[01:14:27]There's hope and all that things that you have learned and all the healthy habits that you've built. Um, 

[01:14:33] Kristy Yee: [01:14:33] I will pass it on to all my friends' kids. 

[01:14:37] Angie Yu: [01:14:37] Yeah. I'm not saying that you have to have kids, but I'm just saying, like, if you have a kid, it will be different. It won't be like you and your mom.  That's all I have to say. 

[01:14:45] Kristy Yee: [01:14:45] Yeah.  This has been a really long 

[01:14:46] Angie Yu: [01:14:46] episode. Holy shit. 

[01:14:48] Kristy Yee: [01:14:48] Oh, the cows we need to, I mean, we need to get better at this cause we took it a little, little break 

[01:14:53] Angie Yu: [01:14:53] earlier. I don't even know what the takeaway is here. 

[01:14:56] Kristy Yee: [01:14:56] We'll come back to that. But if y'all enjoyed listening to us, read each other's journals. And had a good time and want more of that. Let us know, because this was just an idea that I thought it would be fun 

[01:15:09]Angie Yu: [01:15:09] and it was, 

[01:15:10] Kristy Yee: [01:15:10] and it turned out that I dream about murder 

[01:15:12] Angie Yu: [01:15:12] I'm sure we all do. 

[01:15:13]Kristy Yee: [01:15:13] I'm sure we do.

[01:15:14]DMS. Send us the message. Leave us a comment, communicate us with in however way to let us know if you want to hear more of Andrew and Christie's journal entries. Yes. So we can get uncomfortable. 

[01:15:24] Angie Yu: [01:15:26] And also we would love to read it, journal entry of yours, but, you know, we know that not everyone's comfortable sharing that with, the world.

[01:15:34] So 

[01:15:35] Kristy Yee: [01:15:35] if you can send us some of your dreams Oh yeah, that would be 

[01:15:38] Angie Yu: [01:15:38] so cool. Read it out loud.  Um, 

[01:15:40] Kristy Yee: [01:15:40] we will read it on whatever episode that we are. 

[01:15:45] Angie Yu: [01:15:45] That's right. 

[01:15:46]Kristy Yee: [01:15:46] Alright. That's it. Bye.

[01:15:48] Bye.