18. Masturbation & Sexual Consent ft. Karen Zheng (MX Asian American) - Part 2

How did you learn about sex? Did you have sex first or masturbate first? Did you ever get the “sex talk” from your parents/guardians? This is a special episode where Karen from MX Asian American Podcast interviews us about our sexual awakening, what is sexual consent, and how we learned to have sex.

Highlights: 

• When Karen walked in on her parents having sex  
• Kristy’s first time using a vibrator  
• Angie’s first time watching porn  
• What happened when Kristy & Angie got the “sex talk” from our moms   
• How sex ed has changed from Millennials to Gen Zs  
• Why is masturbation so embarrassing to talk about   

Takeaways:  

• Masturbation can be super empowering   
• Sexual consent is needed   
• Trying to mimic porn is not a good idea   
• Sex education should also include positive connotations such as how sex feels and exploring emotional connections with partners  

Resources:  

• MX Asian American (Podcast)
• Yaoi Manga (Gay Manga)
• Chanel Miller (Website)
• Me Too Movement (Website)

Enjoyed this episode? Share with a friend! Hit subscribe to get the latest episodes. Leave us a comment and let us know your favourite episode!

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Tell Kristy & Angie what cringy and uncomfortable conversation topics you want to listen to! Email us, DM, or Record a 60-second voice message. Send us an audio message by clicking here!

Instagram @shitwedonttellmom 

Email: shitwedonttellmom@gmail.com

Transcript

Kristy Yee: 0:00

I was really unhappy. And then I also associated sex with unhappy thoughts and unhappy feelings, which made me later on not like sex as a person who identifies as a sexual person and then not liking sex was really. I would have character. It felt like a part of my identity was weird, like ruined misaligned. And then, and then until I, until just very recently, like my ex was the first time that I had ever said, no, I don't feel like it today. And, and so it was still a very recent thing that I learned to say no, when I don't want to. Welcome back to another episode of shift. We don't tell mom, this is Chrissy and only Christie because it is the beginning of 2021. Angie and I are not hanging out because we're still in all this isolation shit. So you're only going to hear my voice in the next. 30 seconds. We're going to try some new things For season two. Basically, we're going to have a lot of guests this upcoming season, some of which are also podcast hosts themselves. we've just met some fantastic people in our networks And we want to elevate each other on this platform. So we're doing a two part series with MX Asian American and the host Karen Zang part one was already released that was episode 17, we talked about sex and identity and her journey, as a kid being raised in a Christian family as a queer person and how that has impacted her relationship with her mom. If you want to check out part one, go listen to episode 17, where Angie and I interview Karen. And in this episode, it's super special because we're actually not leading this episode. This episode was released on MX Asian American podcast and Karen is interviewing the both of us.. We're continuing our sex talk. We talked about masturbation. We talked specifically about sexual consent and what does that mean and how that has. Changed, between generations. And we also talk about our sexual awakenings. All right. Enjoy.

Karen Zheng: 2:41

Welcome back. Everyone's MX Asian American. Today. We have Christie and Angie and you guys want to introduce yourself

Kristy Yee: 2:46

first? Hello everybody. My name is Christie.

Angie Yu: 2:50

Uh, my name is Sandra Lee. People say our voices sound similar, so hopefully we'll sound different enough on here.

Karen Zheng: 2:59

You guys don't sound that similar to me.

Kristy Yee: 3:02

Yeah, we do. Have we have comments about how our voices sound the same? I'm going to use this, we use this transcript thing and sometimes it, it thinks I'm NG.

Angie Yu: 3:13

Wow. Both of us. Yeah. So Christie and I, we are the co-hosts for a podcast called shit. We don't tell mom. And I hope that we can swear on your podcast. Yes. Cause we

Kristy Yee: 3:26

just did every

Karen Zheng: 3:28

one of my episodes is explicit, so it's fine.

Kristy Yee: 3:33

So was ours.

Karen Zheng: 3:35

Yes. Yeah. After all it's shit we don't tell off. Anyway. Um, so today we wanted to talk about, um, also shit. We usually don't tell mom it's all about sex, basically. Um, so from the very beginning, where did you guys grow up and what was y'all's relationship like with you and your parents? Did you guys ever get those sex talk?

Angie Yu: 3:58

Who wants to go first? Oh, you know what? I'll go first because I actually have a really good story for this. I, so my name is Angie again. Uh, my name's Sandy. Uh, I was born in China and I moved to Canada when I was nine years old and I spent, yeah. Spend the rest of my life here or hopefully, um, yeah, you know what I mean? What are words. Um, crime of the scene. Um, and I guess my relationship with my parents, uh, very typical relationship with my dad, you know, like we don't really talk. He's very, he does his own thing. He, yeah. Typical relationship with my Chinese dad. Um, It was atypical relationship with my Chinese mom until she decided to switch from being in like science and technology. Like she was an engineer in China to early childhood education, which is like, preschool. They care teachers here in Canada and in the U S so because of that, we got closer. Uh, gradually we still are getting closer and closer every day. Um, So when I was 17 and I say 17, I don't remember how old I was, but I had a subscription to something called the 17 magazine, which is American. Um, I don't know what it's like now, but back in my day, the 17 magazine was pretty popular. And also to the kids listening to this podcast, we have these things called magazines. Um, they're not, they're not aligned that, like, they're basically like becoming these. Um, like things made of something called paper, which were made of trees.

Kristy Yee: 5:47

Trees made from trees,

Angie Yu: 5:48

maybe sorry. Made from wow. Yeah. Um, and yeah, 17 was pretty wholesome back in my days. I don't know what it's like now, but it would tell you things like, Hey girls, um, grab a mirror and look at your vagina. This is what it can look like. This is. You know, like this is what your discharge may look like, and this is what you should do. If it doesn't look like this or smell like this. And it was like very wholesome, very informational, um, which I wasn't expecting when I had the subscription, I was just expecting like, like tell me how to wear clothes. And how to be a girl, you know, very societal gender norm, et cetera, et cetera. but one day my mom came into my room and she was just sitting on the floor in my room, flipping through my magazines. I didn't think anything of it. And I guess she came across one of the pages on sex and health and. One thing I really liked about the 17 magazine, as opposed to a magazine like Cosmo, Cosmo is all about sex and relationships, which is also has lots of wonderful information, but 17 was about sex and health. And I think for a girl who's like, um, for myself as a teenage girl, um, the information was really helpful because I didn't have that kind of information from my parents. Right. and she was flipping through it. Um, and my mom's like, Oh, and then like, freeze. Cause I'm like, Oh shit. Like, I don't know what she's going to say. Like, we've never talked about stuff like this. Like I only told my mom about like my first period, like, we don't talk about this stuff at all. And she kinda like looks at me and she's like, Oh, this is really good. Like, I'm really happy that this magazine has the stuff. Cause then I don't have to talk to you about it. Cause I don't want to do that. That was funny because you know, like we, we dread the sex talk. Right. But so do our parents I'm sure. I'm sure. Um, she did give me a sex talk. Once when we were in the car, she was like, Oh, you're going, um, new, going on a camping trip with your high school boyfriend. Um, Make sure. She's like, I just want to know. I just want you to let you know that I don't want to be a grandmother yet,

Kristy Yee: 7:57

which is a very, really, it's a nice way to say that.

Angie Yu: 8:01

Yeah, very. Yeah. She's like, I don't want to be a grandma. I don't want you to be a teenage mom. So if you're going to have sex, please use a C. And I'm like getting in the car, I'm like, huh. And I'm like, Oh, a condo. And I'm like, what? A weird choice of a word to initialize, like condom, she can say sex, but she can say condom. Like, I don't understand it. I was like, What does she talk to you about, like to see there could be so many things. Yeah, but, uh, my response was basically, mom, if you don't stop talking about this, I'm going to jump out of the car. So that was the, just of my sex talk with my mom. I'm going to jump

Kristy Yee: 8:50

out of the car.

Angie Yu: 8:51

Now I'm going to jump out of the car. Yeah,

Karen Zheng: 8:54

no, you definitely got so much more than I got I, my mom did not talk to me about anything except periods. Um, and then my like first talk with her. It was like, when I got my period and I was like alone at home too, so I called her about it. Uh, and then she was like, could have had it on. And that's it. And then end of talk. And then, um, the only other thing she says is like, don't sleep with guys, which is like so vague, you know? other than that, I have gotten nothing, but I have a. Interesting story. I want, I once walked in on my parents.

Kristy Yee: 9:34

What was that like?

Karen Zheng: 9:40

Remember that at all, but it's been like etched into my memory. I don't remember how many years ago it was, but I was still in high school. Uh, it was in the morning. Uh, I just woke up, I needed water, but there was no water in my room and I didn't want to go downstairs cause it was cold. So I went to my parents' room cause I knew my mom had water. Like at her nightstand, I walk over to her nightstand and I mean I'm like sleepy and stuff like half a week kind of. So I'm not sure if I saw something. That was not there. Like I hallucinated or something. Um, but my dad was on top of my mom. They were like, the, the blanket was covering most of everything, but I only saw their heads. And then I was like, Holy shit in that moment. And then literally pretended that I was. Semi sleepwalking so like quickly grabbed a water and literally like ran out the room. And I was like, Oh my God, what did I just see? Wanted to like call my eyes out.

Kristy Yee: 10:55

Did you guys ever talk about that? No warning.

Karen Zheng: 10:59

No, I do not because I pretended that I did not see anything. Um, And I was sleepy and yeah. And it's weird because like, we oftentimes forget that our parents also have a sex life. That's how we're here. Right. But it's just very uncomfortable and I have no idea why. Yeah. So

Kristy Yee: 11:21

that's that because it's. Gross when it's from our parents, it is, and it makes us super uncomfortable because we don't associate parents as regular human beings. So why would they do regular human being stuff? And when they do, then it's so weird. It's also like, it's not the same, but you know, when you're younger and then you see a teacher in the grocery store, you know, outside of the school setting, it's super weird. And you're like, what the heck? You're not supposed to be in aisle eight.

Karen Zheng: 11:49

Don't look at

Kristy Yee: 11:50

me.

Angie Yu: 11:52

Teachers don't have lines like you're in your life only exists as my teacher, you know? Exactly.

Kristy Yee: 11:59

And then your parents only exist as your parents.

Karen Zheng: 12:04

I also think it's weird because the same stigma exists for like elder folks or people who are old, just not, not just our parents, like people who are older. Like all of a sudden don't have a sex life either in like the large public's perspective.

Kristy Yee: 12:20

Um, if anything, they probably have really good sex. I know. How can I experience.

Karen Zheng: 12:28

Yeah. So Christie, do you have any

Kristy Yee: 12:31

experiences you want to share? Oh God. Um, so I same as you, Karen didn't officially get a sex talk, no birds and the bees or however folks. Say that, um, I also had a magazine subscription in high school. Cool. Popular

Karen Zheng: 12:55

things. And Angie are the same person

Kristy Yee: 12:59

or just old. It is what it is. And back then subscriptions. It doesn't mean it comes into like your inbox. Okay. It comes in your mail box

Angie Yu: 13:10

at your door

Kristy Yee: 13:11

every month.

Angie Yu: 13:12

You're not the same person. This was just our generation. Everybody had a magazine subscription of some sort.

Kristy Yee: 13:19

Okay. I had Cosmo cosmopolitan. Well, Andrea had the whole sunset. I think I had both at one point, but I decided to, you know, up the aunties and stick it with the, with the Cosmo. So in the Cosmo magazines, it's all about five ways to pleasure your man, 25 new sex positions. To please him. It's all about pleasing him. It's never about pleasing us

Angie Yu: 13:45

or like how to look sexy for your man or how to, how to dress up in the bedroom for your man. Cute pajamas to wear. To show off to your men. It's always like, yeah. It's always for him, for him, for him,

Kristy Yee: 13:59

which is anyways, that was the norm. And that's where I learned all my sex education was from Cosmo magazine. So thank you. Not sponsored. any conversations that I would ever have about sex would always be with my mom, like never with my dad. I think he just. Skip that part in Parenthood, he was like, Nope, not, not going to touch that. We don't talk about periods. We never talked about bras. Definitely no sex with my mom. And at the time I didn't live with my mom. So I would only see her like very sporadically. Um, she would say, don't sleep with men. Don't sleep with boys. Don't get pregnant. Don't hold hands. Cause you

Karen Zheng: 14:45

won't have pregnant

Kristy Yee: 14:50

mean girls clothes, so no copyright stuff. Um, yeah. And then when I got my period, that was probably right when she was like, you are now a woman and you need to take care of yourself and you can't have men take advantage of you because you will get pregnant. Everything revolves around us getting pregnant at the end of the day. Yeah, I think there was one time I in high school and I had a Hickey on my neck. And she saw it. Is that the thing for kids? They, okay. So I

Angie Yu: 15:26

Hickey, I don't know. I don't know.

Karen Zheng: 15:28

I, I'm not part of the kids, but I think it's still a thing,

Kristy Yee: 15:36

like a bruise on your neck from really intense. Kissing. Yeah, it can

Karen Zheng: 15:42

be,

Kristy Yee: 15:43

Oh, yes. For sure. They can be all over your body. You're right. You're right. But this particular one happened to be on my neck and then, and she was like, Oh, what's that? I'm like, what's what? That, that thing on your neck. I'm like what? I don't know what you're talking about. Proceed to walk away. She's like, no, come back. There's a thing there. And I'm like, okay. In my head, I'm like, fuck it. Can't can't just pretend anymore. Oh yeah. Yeah. I've been feeling some like rashy. She, no, I don't know what's going on and yeah, I'm just gonna like, whatever, put some, put some ointment on it. Just like, are you sure that's what it is? Look, yeah, it just happened like a few hours ago. I don't know. Yeah, I don't think that's what it is. And that's the first time she's ever been confident in confronting me about anything. And I almost shat my pants. This is in the public grocery store and I'm like, what do I do? Kind of hold, please come. And so I can bury myself in it. I don't know what to do. She just totally called me out. Like,

Karen Zheng: 16:55

just like,

Kristy Yee: 16:57

have you been. Hanging out with boys. All I did was just denied, denied, denied, denied, denied, because there's nothing else I could do. I already committed to this path. What can I say?

Angie Yu: 17:17

Cause now you got to say, sorry about hanging out with boys, getting a Hickey and for lying, you want to get in trouble for three things.

Kristy Yee: 17:26

Yeah. So none of that just denied, denied, denied, and then she just kept going. Right. And she's like, you know, you have to really be careful or are we going to get pregnant, never about STDs or like using a condom or, you know, sex, sex house, any of that, it's always about you're gonna get pregnant and then your life will be over. So that's the sex talk is

Karen Zheng: 17:48

both.

Angie Yu: 17:51

All great, wonderful, healthy sex talks.

Kristy Yee: 17:56

The takeaway is just deny.

Karen Zheng: 18:00

Yes. People.

Angie Yu: 18:02

So I'm curious what sex, if so I know Christie doesn't want any kids. Karen, I don't know if you want any kids, but if you were to have children, if, if you were to have children, would you have a sex talk with them?

Karen Zheng: 18:18

Um, I don't want kids, but, um, I basically parent my siblings. Um, so I actually gave him the sex talk. I actually gave it to him kind of early for maybe I don't really know, but I gave it to them when they were like, My sister was 12. My brother's 10. Um, I don't know if that's early, but I try to expose them like earlier this year, earlier this year, actually I gave him another one just to refresh their memory. Cause I didn't know if like they retain everything cause they were so young. So I gave him the other one this year there. My, my son is 14, my brother's 12. and then I'm planning on giving the mother the one next year and maybe like include porn in it. Um, Cause like, I feel like visualization is important. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 19:08

It's like my

Karen Zheng: 19:09

curriculum and I also, this year when I gave them the second talk, um, I also included non heterosexual sex, um, which I think is important as a queer person. Yeah. And then next year we'll see how it goes. But whenever I talk to them about it, they were like super awkward. They're like Christie would like, they were like, I need a hole, please swallow me. Why is my sister telling me this?

Kristy Yee: 19:39

And then you just got to be like, can you imagine if mom and dad did this?

Karen Zheng: 19:44

No. Oh my God.

Angie Yu: 19:47

Exactly. Would they rather hear it from you or from mom and dad? And also, I just want to commend you. I think that's a huge effort, like a huge undertaking. It sounds like you, yeah. Like what you said, your parents, your siblings, and that's like already a huge task, a huge responsibility in itself, but also being responsible to teach them to be the initiator of like. Sexual health and all that jazz for them. Like that's tough. I think 10 and 12 is okay. Because from what I remember, um, cause I went to elementary school in like kind of a rough area. Well, not super rough, but ah, kinda rough, pretty rough. You know what? It was rough. Um, and uh, we had sex ed starting in grade five, which is. What age 10 is eight, 10, 11, yeah. Age 10, 11. So of course everyone took it as a joke because one it's like, yo it's like college students coming in to talk to all of us. Don't talk to us about it. There's like toys of bananas involved and you're listening to it as a group. So everyone's trying to be as funny as possible kind of thing. Yeah. But they came back every year and I'm pretty sure I had sex ed. In some type of way every single year until high school, like late in high school.

Karen Zheng: 21:11

Yeah. Wow. You guys are so much better than

Kristy Yee: 21:13

America. I actually had my first sex ed in grade two. Yeah. And, uh, I remember they came in and they would split the boys to one side and the girls to the other side. And then there, I don't know if this is the college student or not, but they were older. Um, and there would be a girl like speaking to us and then, yeah. And then like a man speaking to the boys. So the woman and the men before it beforehand, they would be like, Oh, if you find something funny and instead of seeing you or gross, then you have to say the word interesting. So, so every time they would show a diagram and then our urge would be to be like, so grass cause we're seven. Yeah. You have to say.

Angie Yu: 22:13

the next time Christie says interesting to either of us be aware. Was she actually

Kristy Yee: 22:19

thinking about sex?

Angie Yu: 22:22

I'll say that. Yeah. Back in our days when I was in grade five, this was like maybe 2001 or so. Um, and when Christie was in grade two, what is that like? 19.

Kristy Yee: 22:35

1987. Yeah.

Angie Yu: 22:39

The curriculum was extremely heteronormative. Um, it would always be like how to put, um, Like how, well, actually, I guess it's not heteronormative to show you how to put on a condom, but yeah, like what Christy said, they would separate the girls and guys, and very much like, Hey, this is what a vagina can look like. And this is what a penis can look like. And then they'll use a banana and then they'll use like a glass jar to show you how to put on like a, put in a female condom and stuff like that. Yeah. We actually talked to us. It was mostly about health from what I remember. Um, and the people that came to our school to talk to us about it, they only talked to us about like protectiveness. I don't know the word we never talked about like what sex feels like or what never talked about any of that and like emotional cycle. It was purely for health reason, or even

Kristy Yee: 23:33

consent. Yeah, no, no, never talked about consent. It was just like, this is what a penis looks like, and this is what a Jina looks like, put the two together. Okay. Um, and that's it. Yeah. And, uh, and speaking of 97, it reminded me of something that was the year. I think, uh, that Titanic came out and Titanic was huge when it came out, like. I don't know about you guys, but like all the Asian moms that I knew were all about the Titanic and my mom had already seen it when she was at Hong Kong or something. And that didn't actually, um, come to Canada until later. So when it came, she was like, we have to go see Titanic. It's like the biggest movie of the century. Right. So we go watch Titanic and in Titanic, there's a sex scene. It was a really steamy sex scene and I'm seven and, uh, as we're in the movie theater, and then as it happened, she leaned over to me and she's like, do you know what's happening?

Angie Yu: 24:43

And I'm like,

Kristy Yee: 24:47

I'm all adult,

Angie Yu: 24:48

right.

Kristy Yee: 24:51

I already went to sex ed. Okay.

Angie Yu: 24:55

And she was like, really. Hickey. She knew

Kristy Yee: 25:06

10 years later,

Angie Yu: 25:08

she's like this, this girl when she was seven already knew what sex was. Um, which I guess, yeah, which I have a similar story with Titanic except it was playing on TV. Um, and my mom and I started watching it and. And then I guess like a little bit into the movie, she remembered that there's a sex scene in it because she had seen the movie already. So she's like, um, you can watch this movie. I'm like, what? Why not? She's like, there's something in here that you can't see. And I'm like, but I guess she doesn't know that like on TV, you can't really show that stuff anyway, but she made me go to my room.

Karen Zheng: 25:47

Rude.

Angie Yu: 25:48

Yeah, rude. Right. Um, so to this day, I've never seen stagnant because now I just refuse to see it. So you don't

Kristy Yee: 25:56

know about, you don't know what actually went down in the

Angie Yu: 25:59

second. I think it's clear what Titanic is about and I've seen enough memes, you know, and all that stuff to understand the general premise of the time Titanic movie. Uh, but no, I've never seen the sex scene. No.

Karen Zheng: 26:14

Um, I just want to say, I also have not watched the Titanic. Yes.

Angie Yu: 26:19

High five make me so young

Kristy Yee: 26:21

Christie did a spoiler alert or something. You know, you

Karen Zheng: 26:25

guys, guys, my former sex ed was like in fifth grade, which was I'll date myself to 2010 ish. and. It was similar to Christie sex ed that we like separated the boys and the girls. Um, and all I remember was like not sex ed. It was like, period talk mostly. And like, not in love, like a penis vagina things. And then we had. Quote unquote sex. And every year after that, until high school, which was like three years in middle school, we had that, but it was like literally one unit of like health and mostly focused on the anatomy of human bodies and not really the act of doing anything. Um, and then mostly focused on abstinence, which is like not having sex and like. STDs and like consequences of having sex basically, um, or the negative consequences of having sex. Um, yeah. Which is like, kind of similar to like how they teach about drugs too, was just abstinence and negative consequences, which is

Kristy Yee: 27:41

interesting. Hmm. That is interesting. But it shows like there's so much negative connotation around sex. No. As teenagers, you're curious, but you don't know, and you don't really have a lot of reliable sources to get your information. And you would think school is probably, should be one of the most trusted forces, but they're not giving us great information. And when they are they're demonizing the act.

Karen Zheng: 28:09

Yeah. Yeah. I was. I remember what I was gonna say. Um, my real, like, learning about sex came from. My first sexual awakening let's say, came from Yaqui Monga. So yellowy Monga is like, um, gay sex basically, um, in manga and I was in sixth grade and reading this and was like, Okay. I think I know what this feeling is. Um, so that's yeah, when it first happened and then over time I started reading more, like, I don't know what it's called anymore, but like sex and Maga. Um, and then it gradually turned into watching porn. Uh, that's like where I learned most of like sex, what sex actually was. But even then, if you haven't experienced it, it's not like what it is like in Mongo or like, not like what it is like in porn. Yeah. So how about you guys? How did you guys learn like about actual what sex is like?

Kristy Yee: 29:23

Definitely a lot of porn. And so then even till now, even today I still have this distorted representation of what sex is. Like. I think a lot of it, because porn was so ingrained in my mind that that is what sex is. So that's what I associate with. Um, and then, yeah. And then part of porn, I guess a sub Ketter porn. Cause there's lots of porn category.

Angie Yu: 29:53

Everything's a category.

Kristy Yee: 29:55

Everything's a category. I was really into hen Tai. You reminded me of it. When you were talking about the Now I'm curious about that Monga, because you were talking about how you related to certain feelings that came from it. And I thought that was really interesting because in hen Tai and in porn, it's not about the feelings, it's just about the app. So tell me more. Tell us more about what this manga is like, did it dive deeper into like feelings?

Karen Zheng: 30:28

Yeah, a lot of y'all we, a lot of y'all we, Mongo has like a very distinct plot line that goes with this. So it's more. It's like more romance and like sex is a bonus, which is like true of like real life relationships. Um, so I think I follow the plot line in like got immersed in the characters and their lives. And then, um, when sex happened, I connected more to it, but I know there are a lot of other mungus that's just X, too.

Kristy Yee: 31:00

Definitely out there. One of the earlier times when I was exposed to like sex education was also through friends. So a friend of mine, um, one particular friend, she was like my best friend at the time. And she had showed me what a vibrator was. We were 13 years old. Wow. I think it's young.

Karen Zheng: 31:25

So woke.

Angie Yu: 31:27

Whoa. I was that's. That's not me. That's maybe that's just Christie and her Christie is very woke. I think your friend even know where to buy

Karen Zheng: 31:35

sex when she was seven and then vibrators at 13.

Kristy Yee: 31:43

Yeah. Where did we get one? Um, we had another friend who was 15 at the time and they got one and, um, I don't know. I think there was. Stealing involved there might've been, we were not always the

Angie Yu: 32:00

best chips. So woke. Then

Kristy Yee: 32:03

we had to learn from somewhere school. Wasn't giving it to us. Okay. So we got to learn it on the streets. So there was a vibrator involved and God do I want, how far do I want to go in this? How uncomfortable do we

Angie Yu: 32:16

want to get? Are you talking to the vibrator or are you talking to us? I'm talking

Kristy Yee: 32:20

to you. So we had one vibrator between the three of us. Not all the same.

Karen Zheng: 32:28

Y'all shared.

Kristy Yee: 32:30

Yes. Nice. So, wow. I don't know if

Angie Yu: 32:36

I've ever

Karen Zheng: 32:36

told

Angie Yu: 32:36

this story. You've never even told me

Kristy Yee: 32:42

this. Don't tell mom. Okay. We got to represent

Angie Yu: 32:46

mom. This is like, shit. I don't tell. Damn. Well, I guess like, you know, vibrators are expensive for 13 year olds. Yeah. And like you

Kristy Yee: 32:58

said, how are you guys supposed to get another one? Like it's hard. So they are, they're hard to come by. It's like drugs, you know? And then, uh, so, so we shared one and I was taught how to use it by one of them. And that was the first time.

Angie Yu: 33:15

Like I showed you,

Kristy Yee: 33:18

um, they didn't, they explained it to me and then showed me, like, not actually putting it on their bodies, uh, but told, told me how it would go

Angie Yu: 33:30

about. I see. Wow. So I'm like completely on the opposite end because I. Never watched porn until I was in a, long-term a long distance relationship, which was when I was 20 T4. I knew existed. Um, it's not like I knew it's a thing, you know, like I know porn exists. I know generally what porn is supposed to be, be like, um, the first thing I was 24, so I lost my virginity when I was 17 to my first boyfriend. I think when I, and then I, when I was in my long-term relationship, um, I just like, yeah, it was just like, I was like, I just didn't really need porn, I guess, because I wasn't exposed to it as much anyway, but then because of the long distance, like it was helpful. Um, but I think the, my first reaction was just like, Why are they so mean to these women? I was a porn. Right. And I've had sexual experiences with people that respect to me. So when I watch porn, I was like, why me? What's going on? Can you just cuddle her and crush her hand plate? Right. Like, can, can, can that be the category of. Just porn for women, like

Karen Zheng: 35:00

do that. Definitely needs to be a yes category, that's porn for women.

Kristy Yee: 35:04

But I also feel like it shouldn't just be targeted as for women. I feel like it should just be another category period for men and women. Otherwise the men will just think that it's okay to disrespect them. That's part of the sexual experience. And then the woman will just expect cuddles and hairbrushes, but the men wouldn't know that. I know that's true. That's a very

Angie Yu: 35:25

good point. That is a very good point. Yeah, it should just be like,

Kristy Yee: 35:28

it should just be part of the overall pull

Karen Zheng: 35:31

some porn,

Angie Yu: 35:34

an oxymoron, but why not? Why is it not a thing? Like, like people pay money to see some at, to see anything. So why not have wholesome porn? I'm sure.

Kristy Yee: 35:49

I think there is. It's just not very mainstream. Yeah.

Angie Yu: 35:54

But yeah, my first sexual awakening man, probably from TV, I want to say I don't, I don't remember the exact moment. I don't remember. Like there was like, there was no like pivotal moment or it was like, aha. I am a sexual being. But it definitely took me a long time to really embrace my sexuality. Probably not until like, probably not until like this year where I like really like really actually embrace my sexuality because I got boobs really early. I was always made to feel really uncomfortable with my sexuality because people would always point out my boobs ever since I had them. So when I was like 11, I had like C cups basically, and I was always embarrassing them. So I was always wear like oversized shirts and stuff. When I got into high school over the summer of like the, after the first year of high school, I got like contacts. And then I started like going shopping and stuff. I just remember like people making a lot of comments about my cleavage. Kristy. You remember this?

Kristy Yee: 37:04

Well, it's not like my first memory of high school, but I remember what it was like in high school.

Angie Yu: 37:15

Because back, back in that day there, it was like not a. People were not woke. Let's just say that. Yeah. So I was always, I just always feel so uncomfortable. Like with the way I looked, because I, if I didn't hide myself, then I would feel like I was hyper-sexualized and I just felt like I didn't demand any respect. So because of that, I never felt comfortable being very sexual, even around my boyfriends. So it wasn't until. I became single again. And then I was like, okay, I'm like older. Now there's so much woke material out there. So I've just done a lot of reading, a lot of my, like my own work and stuff like that. And now I'm like very comfortable with my sexuality.

Kristy Yee: 37:58

What would your advice be for people who want to get to that place where you are.

Angie Yu: 38:03

Um, like don't be scared to Google random shit.

Karen Zheng: 38:09

Google is your friend

Angie Yu: 38:10

like Google. Who's your friend go in Cognito, Google. Um, I read a lot of Cosmo articles. Um, Cosmo was very woke now. Like, um, it's not, I wouldn't say maybe not very, but I think for millennials they're pretty woke now compared to what they were, what Christie was talking about, how they were, how to please your men. Now it's all about like how to please yourself. Excellent. Like put like eight whatever on top positions to make you feel better. And then in the photos there would be like interracial couples, um, couple queer couples, couples with different like abilities, like, um, like different. Sorry, what is it like, um, couples with different, what are they called? What are we called? We're called. Able-bodied yet whole body. Yes. Able-bodied and cetera. Like it's very like inclusive and I'm like, okay, sensuality is no longer just this like hyper sexualized commercialized, you know, corporate strategy to sell shit. Now it's actually just part of being a human, human being. And I think also because of that, it's made me more comfortable embracing my own sexuality. Mm, cause we just, we just didn't have that stuff. When we were growing up, it was just not available. So when we looked at sex and when we thought about sex, the, the media and all the content that we consumed about sex was so hyper-sexualized that if you had any features, if we, if that was hyper-sexualized or if you have features that wasn't hyper-sexualized you feel shitty about yourself. So basically you felt shitty. Everybody felt shitty about something, so yeah. Well now, like just after Googling random stuff, just like reading articles and just, I don't know, even just browsing the, for her pages or whatever. Like there's a lot of stuff out there and I think it's just, I think as whoever we want to be, we there's a lot more material out there now to just feel empowered, liking the stuff that you like.

Kristy Yee: 40:11

So exposure representation, all of that.

Angie Yu: 40:14

Exactly. Yeah.

Karen Zheng: 40:16

Yeah. Thank you, Angie, for sharing and also respect for your journey and where you've come. I think I'm still working on that part of myself. Um, what else did I want to say? Oh, um, it's weird that Chrissy said that her. Sexual experience was with her friends, because I never talked to my friends about sex at all. Never like

Kristy Yee: 40:44

I talked a lot.

Karen Zheng: 40:46

I know this is a Christie thing. I don't know what's going on with her. Um, but it's not, it wasn't until like this year or like last year that we actually brought up sex. And it's only with like some people in my friend group who I think I'm comfortable enough. Talking with them about it. And even then it was like a lot of like surface level things, like just using the word sex and also like talk about masturbation, my friend. I was like, really glad that would my friends, um, asked me about masturbation, which I was like, wow, yes, this is awkward, but we're going to talk about it for the first time ever. And I've known them since like, I've known him for at least 10 years now. And we S like, this year was like the first year that we talked about it. So, yeah, that was like very interesting. Um, Of like how young Christy started talking about sex with her friends. Um, and apparently, yeah.

Kristy Yee: 41:48

Well, I want to, I want to throw like a huge caveat is that yes. I feel like there was a lot of. Sex related conversations. And the two friends that I mentioned, the one that I shared or vibrated with that is definitely very exclusive. I didn't do that with all my friends. just at that time in my life, um, with these folks. And then later on it, wasn't. It wasn't so explicit and to talk about masturbation, that was not a thing. And I still don't think it's the thing that we talk about masturbation with, with my friends or people that are in my inner circle. When I mentioned that, Oh, there was a lot of sex talk. It was mostly because I had a cosmopolitan subscription. And so everybody would crowd around at lunch and we'd all flipped through the Cosmo magazines together. And then I had sex, um, at a young age. So I lost my virginity at 14, 13, 14, somewhere around then. And I know that that was young. And so. And my, some of my friends knew this, so they would come to me for like sex advice, quote unquote, because I knew shit. I don't know shit. Right. Because I've got the same education as they did. And just because I actually did it doesn't mean that I'm qualified for anything, but because of that, then I became the person that folks would come to and ask about sex.

Karen Zheng: 43:22

You also mentioned that like, um, you guys like y'all, y'all not y'all, but like you never, you still don't talk about masturbation. Um, when did y'all learn about masturbation and like, why is that never

Kristy Yee: 43:37

talked about, I think, because it was made fun of a lot. Yeah,

Karen Zheng: 43:41

especially

Angie Yu: 43:41

female masturbation. That's right. Like I remember the first time I was even exposed to the idea of female masturbation was in grade eight, which is the first year of high school. And you don't know anybody. Uh, I went to a high school that most of my friends from elementary school didn't go to. And I just remember all the boys were like, Hey, do you touch yourself at night? Hey, do you touch yourself at night? Oh, it's because you touch yourself at night. I don't know if I know Christie. I don't know if you remember that trend, but yeah, it was fucking horrible. Like was

Karen Zheng: 44:17

like a turd on for males for

Angie Yu: 44:19

guys. I don't fucking know, but like, The dudes would just walk around. Um, or like, like, even if you did something like stupid, like drop your eraser. Oh, it's cause you touch yourself at night. Like that was like, it was like, it was, I don't even understand why it was a thing, but it wasn't a thing. I think guys for, I think these like men were dying, even men, these boys were like intrigued by the idea and instead of, you know, being mature about it, come on. They're 12, 13 year old boys. What do you expect? Like every, like, of course, like male masturbation, I was already aware of from media and et cetera. But yeah, like at a young age, like even from my first exposure to female, masturbation was always like, Oh, like a laughable matter. So

Kristy Yee: 45:05

I feel like part of that trend of making fun of each other, like it was the high school boys back in the day. I think it was more deflection. I think it's because they all did it. They all fucking did it. They all touch themselves a night, but nobody wants to admit it. So then they use that as some sort of a weapon to throw at other people because they don't want to be exposed that they, they do touch themselves at night. Well, besides sharing a vibrator. Again, it's like a one-off. Um, I also, I remember I had borrowed this book from the library and with some like some bright pink book with hearts and flowers on it, and it was about sex for girls. And when I say girls, I mean like adolescent girls and maybe teenagers. So this author had written this sex education book that was, you know, Appealing and attractive to young girls. And I remember chapter one was about touching yourself and I was like, what the fuck vibrator? And actually using your fingers is different. I hadn't, I didn't know what this finger thing was all about. And I remember reading this book in the bathtub. I'm like how appropriate.

Karen Zheng: 46:30

How appropriate.

Kristy Yee: 46:33

Uh, and then, uh, and I was like, okay, there's the manual? Let's go.

Angie Yu: 46:41

called,

Kristy Yee: 46:43

uh, I don't, I remember kind of what it looks like, and it's small. Like it's not a regular standard size book. It's like a mini book. Like when you first discover it, it wasn't just like a one-time thing. It was like that period of time was a new discovery. Right. And then I would just think, wow, I can do this anywhere. That was one of the best realizations that I ever had was this ability to make myself feel good. I can do that. Wherever I go in life, no matter where I am in the world, no matter how old I am, I have the ability to provide pleasure for myself.

Angie Yu: 47:28

That's very empowering. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 47:30

Yeah. It was fucking awesome. And I'm like, this is so cool. You know, it's like, I have unlimited access to this whenever I want.

Angie Yu: 47:41

You can do it, not that you should do aware ever you can and that's empowerment.

Kristy Yee: 47:47

Yes. Yeah. And I remember very much so that, that was part of my, you know, early masturbation discovery journey.

Karen Zheng: 47:59

Did you guys start with masturbation or start with sex?

Kristy Yee: 48:04

Sex masturbation?

Karen Zheng: 48:07

Yeah, I started with masturbation first

Kristy Yee: 48:08

too, but it didn't help me. With sex though. Cause I didn't cause sex was all about what to do for the, for the guy. I would say it's

Karen Zheng: 48:21

must be different for me. Like it must be different if it's not heterosexual sex. Yeah. Cause I feel like masturbation definitely helped my sex, but it also probably helped that my partner was also like during, for the first time. So we're all just like not experienced at all and did not know what we were doing. Uh, yeah, but trying to mimic like porn was not a good idea is

Angie Yu: 48:53

not a good idea. Yeah. It's not a good idea at all. And that's why I was, I'm kind of like, Um, I think that's why, like, so for me, I guess it was also kind of like, not so great that my sexual journey started when I started having sex with my first boyfriend. It was kind of like mutual, but obviously he already has already masturbated before and he has done like finger stuff with other girlfriends before, but snacks was like first time for both of us. For me, it was first of everything. Oh, I didn't discover. I didn't really, so I didn't discover masturbation really until I became single. So for me it was like sex first. And then, so for me, masturbation was never a thing when I was in a relationship, um, for that first relationship. Anyway.

Kristy Yee: 49:46

So when you have sex, like since like you didn't do masturbations and watch porn, like there was very limited exposure. Yeah. So then when you were in the bedroom, like,

Angie Yu: 49:58

I don't know. Well, I guess, because I just figured he would know what we're doing because he watches porn. Just kind of like, it was kind of like a dance, just kind of like, let him take the lead. Like, I, I know what a dance looks like. I might not know the steps in particular. But you kind of like follow along and like figure it out as you go, I guess. Yeah. That's a really good analogy.

Kristy Yee: 50:20

Yeah.

Karen Zheng: 50:21

Yeah. Was your masturbation after you got single, like very empowering for you.

Angie Yu: 50:28

Probably probably, I don't really think about it that much, but yeah, probably, probably more so even like this time around, um, because for me, like I'm the type of person where I won't get into a relationship unless I, like, I can actually really commit to it. Otherwise I'm going to just stay single. So I would have long periods of. Being single in between long periods of being in a relationship. So every time I get into a relation to the outer relationship is always kind of like a new beginning and a new end for me. So each time I became single, I definitely became more empowered sexually. And I'm in another new relationship now. And I'm really making an effort to be upfront about like everything this time around, um, including like. The sexual journey as well, just like communicating everything and being like, what do you want to try, et cetera? Like just communicating, communicating, communicating.

Karen Zheng: 51:23

Well, you guys are great podcasters because you all just segue for me every, every time.

Angie Yu: 51:30

Like wait at all.

Karen Zheng: 51:33

Speaking of communication. Um, when did you guys learn about consent? I know you guys like said it was never taught in school at all. Um, and I guess I can go for some time, honestly, for me it was like when me too started blowing up, which is like, not that long ago. Um, I honestly don't remember when like 2014, 15 maybe, um, when it started like really blowing up. That's like, when I actually really, well, I mean, I was 1415 then, um, when I actually started like, learning about what consent really is and like, Even like after the movement kind of like slowly start to die down from like the general media. Um, I think college is when I had like formal education on what consent was cause like we're all required to like take this one course, sign sexual assault and et cetera. Um, cause that's like one very important issue. That's been happening on my campus for a long time. Like sexual assault. Is rampid on my campus. Um, yeah. Among other things that are not good at my school. Yeah. What about you guys?

Kristy Yee: 52:49

Um, I think very similar to you. Karen was during university like college university time, probably I'll just maybe a few years before the me too movement, honestly. It wasn't something that I had really thought about before. Um, and I think from, from university and from college, there would be posters behind the bathroom stalls about giving consent or even at clubs as well. So that's like, so for clubbing, for us, it's the legal age was 19. Um, So in clubs at the back of the bathroom stalls, there'll be posters about giving consent. And then, because I got exposed to that around that time, that's when I kind of gave it more thought. And I always thought that, you know, consent just means not. Being date raped or something. Right. I didn't, you know what I mean? Like something extreme, but it didn't think about, I didn't think about it in terms of, Oh, well, my boyfriend wants to have sex, but I don't feel like having sex, you know? And I'm just going to do it anyways because he wants to have sex. Like, I didn't think that that was me not consenting. I thought it was just me being a part of a relationship and me like compromising and like trying to make him happy or whatever. Right. And so I didn't really start making those connections until I started to get more exposure about what consent meant. It wasn't just like, you know, a stranger and like putting some weird shit in your drink. And then that's that means no consent. Yeah.

Angie Yu: 54:30

Yeah. So for me, same thing, like consent again was never a thing that was talked about, um, when we were growing up. And even for me, I think, yeah, same thing. When I, when I was in my relationship with my first boyfriend, I remember being really angry at him and not knowing why I was angry at him. And then I just remember calling him cause I felt so angry. I didn't really know how to control my emotions. Um, but this is also like to do with my mood disorder as well. But I remember like all of a sudden just exploding. I, him, I called him. Because we were texting. So I called him while I was on the bus, up to the university, but it was a bus that was not very full. There was only like a few people on the bus and I called him and I, and we were just talking and he's like, I don't understand why you're getting that. I'm like, I'm trying to, all I remember saying is, like I said to him, all of them trying to say that it's my body and I guess my body and I like, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't remember exactly what it was about. He's never forced me to do anything where I don't want to do it. Um, I think it was just more so like, don't make me feel like, like my sexuality is yours or something like that. I did have control. Yeah. I felt like I didn't have control over my session. I cannot remember exactly what happened, because again, when you're not aware of what's going on, it's hard to really be. Like, that's why awareness of issues, like consent is so important, right? Because if you're, you don't even know what's happening, um, then, then you can't be aware of what's happening. Um, and then like a lot, yeah. People in our generation, in my generation and the, in the older generation, I didn't learn about, I didn't really learn about consent until the Chanel Miller incident happened. And that was just like everywhere, you know? Right. That was everywhere. It was so pervasive. It was written up everywhere. So many girls like couldn't relate to it. Um, the me too movement, um, people talking about their experiences with sexual harassment. I have an experience with sexual harassment where a man in power tried to abuse his position, um, by asking for sexual favors, like stuff like that, where it just all kind of poured out. So. Yeah. And when the Chanel Miller thing I just Googled was in 2015 was the only five years ago.

Karen Zheng: 56:54

Yeah. And it's already out of the news.

Angie Yu: 56:57

Yeah. And, um, and, and, and that's why, like, I think what she's done with her life, it's just absolutely amazing that she turned around this thing that, you know, she was literally a victim, but she made herself into a heroin. And I think that's just. Wonderful. And not saying that every victim of rape has to do that, but I'm just saying she, she sets a good example and she's trying to be, um, get the word out there, right? Like, cause it's hard, I'm sure to share your trauma in that kind of detail with the entire world.

Kristy Yee: 57:34

So, yeah, so

Angie Yu: 57:35

for me, like consent was not aware about it until the Chanel Miller thing happened. And I remember there was this really, really good video going around the internet about how consent is like, make is like T like you got to ask somebody if they want T yes. I want T then you made them some cup of tea. If they change their mind, stop making the tea or just don't give them tea. Don't force the tea down their throat. If they change their mind, they're like, I don't want to pee anymore. If they're passed out on the floor, definitely don't force them to drink tea and, uh, yeah, that was, that was very relevant. And I think that even though it is out of the news, I think it did a lot for, uh, for our society.

Karen Zheng: 58:20

Yeah. I agree. I think the tea analogy is nice because, um, what I learned in college was like also like, um, each step of the way in a relationship, like requires consent or like each step during sex also requires consent. Um, so it's like, do you want sugar in your tea? Yes or no? Or like, do you want cream in your tea? I don't know if people with drink. Tea with cream anymore or milk with your tea of et cetera. Like things like that. Um, also like needs to be asked during each step.

Kristy Yee: 58:58

And yeah, this could change from day to day.

Angie Yu: 59:03

Um, like my, my, the relationship I'm in now, I had to, like, I had this conversation about like, with, with him about like boyfriend, girlfriend, he's like, wait, so like, Do I have to ask you if I can call you my girlfriend? I'm like, no, you gotta ask me if I can, if I can be your girlfriend. Or I ask you if you can be my boyfriend, he's like, Oh, he's like, I already told somebody that you're my girlfriend. I just don't know about this. He's like, yeah. I w I'm sorry. I didn't know. I was supposed to ask them. I'm like, well, well, how the fuck would I know he didn't communicate it. And then I was like talking to some other people about it, some other people, and then some other couples were just like, yeah, I guess, I guess I just started to assume we were boyfriend girlfriend after a while. And I'm like, really? Cause I, I was getting anxious as fuck. I would get anxious as fuck. Like what are you going to ask me? I ain't communication now. Like that's communication. You can communicate everything. Even as something as silly as like girlfriend, boyfriend,

Karen Zheng: 1:00:07

you know, Yeah, you do. You really do.

Kristy Yee: 1:00:11

That's what is dangerous, but also what we are improving on is this whole notion of applying these implications. Right. And assumptions it's really harmful in so many cases, like a small, not even small. Cause I feel like asking someone to be their girlfriend or boyfriend is a pretty big step in a relationship, but it's something that is funny that we can laugh at. But the same thing applies to. Not making assumptions about someone's sexual preferences or what their mood is and, and et cetera, et cetera. Like, we always need to be asking these questions and having these conversations. Right. Because first of all, how is the other person supposed to know? And how are you supposed to know what the other person is thinking or feeling.

Angie Yu: 1:01:01

I'm like I'm 30. I really need to get it right this time. So even when something really uncomfortable and I don't want to say it, I'm like

Karen Zheng: 1:01:09

say it.

Kristy Yee: 1:01:13

And the communication piece is really important too, because like going back to the whole consent thing, um, all my. Many of my previous boyfriends, I have had incidents where I didn't want to have sex, but sex did happen or I was really drunk, but I wasn't passed out, but I was still very drunk and then sex happened and I never thought that that was just. I didn't think that that is me not giving consent. Right. I didn't make the connection, but then I, I was really unhappy. And then I also associated sex with unhappy thoughts and unhappy feelings, which made me later on not like sex as a person who identifies as a sexual person and then not liking sex was really. I would have character. It felt like a part of my identity was weird, like ruined misaligned. And then, and then until I, until just very recently, like my ex was the first time that I had ever said, no, I don't feel like it today. And, and so it was still a very recent thing that I learned to say no, when I don't want to.

Angie Yu: 1:02:32

And what happened when you told him? I don't feel like it.

Kristy Yee: 1:02:36

That was it. It was like, okay.

Angie Yu: 1:02:39

And how did you feel?

Kristy Yee: 1:02:41

I still have a lot of the lingering bitterness from the earlier relationships about sex. I think I'm still a little bit scarred from that, but it felt like it's, I have a say in this relationship too. Hmm.

Angie Yu: 1:02:58

Which you absolutely do.

Kristy Yee: 1:03:00

Yeah. And that's part of the communication piece. Right. And I didn't even think that that was a problem before, until I was like, Oh, I sh I do have a voice. I am part of this relationship. If I don't feel like it, I'm going to say it right.

Karen Zheng: 1:03:17

Yeah. Yeah. Very good conversation. I really enjoyed this. Shit. We don't tell mom episode,

Angie Yu: 1:03:26

like a shit. We don't tell mom I'm

Karen Zheng: 1:03:28

sick anyways. Um, thank you, Christina, Angie for coming on and sharing, uh, comfortable things. Um, do you guys want to plug anything?

Kristy Yee: 1:03:42

It's it's what we do. So if listeners, you, you guys enjoyed listening to all this taboo, uncensored shit. Then come on over on our podcast, that NG and I host called shit. We don't tell mom and you can find us on Instagram at shit. We don't tell mom.

Karen Zheng: 1:04:00

Yes. Please listen to their, um, most recent episode about farting.

Angie Yu: 1:04:07

That's right. Tally of episode one, we are taking like a couple of weeks of break and then we're hopping back on the podcast train and we'll be starting season two. Well, we'll be starting season two soon, but, uh, our first episode of season two will be released January 3rd, 2021. Yes.

Karen Zheng: 1:04:30

Looking forward to that. Anybody's yeah. Thank you guys

Angie Yu: 1:04:34

again. Thank you for

Kristy Yee: 1:04:35

having us on.