25. Fear of Parenthood and Other Scary Things

Kristy and Angie answer two questions: What are some shit that our kids might not tell us? And what are our Myer-Briggs personalities? Not surprisingly, we get raw and vulnerable debating whether we should have kids and what that might be like.

Highlights:

• Angie is no longer pressuring herself to have kids
• Kristy is more open to the idea of having kids
• Fear of passing down traits like codependency or mental illnesses 
• Fear of becoming more and more like your parent

Takeaways:

• We all have a fear of passing down traits, nature or nurture, to our kids
• Awareness and communication can reduce self-fulfilling prophecies
• We can’t control our kids and we can only lead by example
• To be a good mother is to know that you cannot be a perfect mother

Resources:

• 16 Personalities - Myers Briggs Personality Test

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Transcript

Kristy Yee: 0:00

it's been an hour since we hit record and now we're ready to record our actual episode. you want me to do intro? Do you want to do the intro?

Angie Yu: 0:05

I can do the intro. Wait, if if I do the intro, I say welcome. Welcome back to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom and then you have to go. This is Christie

Kristy Yee: 0:13

Oh, the roles have reversed.

Angie Yu: 0:15

I can't say this is Angie and you go, this is Chrissy. Why? I guess we

Kristy Yee: 0:18

Why? Why not?

Angie Yu: 0:19

true. Why not? Okay. All right. Okay. I'm going to go now. Welcome back to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom, this is Angie.

Kristy Yee: 0:52

And this is Christie.

Angie Yu: 0:53

We are here today to talk about. Today, today, we're going to answer a couple of questions from Karen. our good friend, Karen, over at MX Asian American, she was also our guests and we did a collaboration episode with her on episode 17 to 18. So if you haven't listened to this episode yet, go ahead and check them out.

Kristy Yee: 1:15

we talked about masturbation and a lot of sexy things.

Angie Yu: 1:19

right. There was a lot of sexualities, you know, sensual sexualities in those episodes. Great topics. We're not experts. Karen's not an expert, but we talked about it from our own perspectives and our own experiences. Go check it out. So today we are going to answer a couple of questions. I already said that. So Karen left us a voice message through the link that we usually link in our show notes. And if you would like to ask us a question, feel free to do that. So Karen sent us a voice message

Karen Zheng: 1:50

Hi, Christie and Angie, this is Karen. I love your podcasts and listen to every one of them. I actually have two questions for you guys. The first one is what is your Myers-Briggs personality type. And recently I've been realizing that I've Becoming more and more like my mother. so when slash, if you guys have kids what do you think your children's shit they don't tell mom, which is you in this case is, and keep up the good work.

Angie Yu: 2:22

Wow. That second question. That that's a good one. Well, you don't think it's a good way. I think it's a good one.

Kristy Yee: 2:31

I think it's because I know that wasn't, you know, a genuine response.

Angie Yu: 2:35

well, that was my genuine response when I first heard it. So I just like, listen, I like listened to, like, I imagined her last part of her message and I was like, yeah, it's a great question.

Kristy Yee: 2:46

It is a great question. One that I kind of don't want to think about

Angie Yu: 2:50

Why is that?

Kristy Yee: 2:51

because it's uncomfortable.

Angie Yu: 2:55

I'm not going to lie. I have thought about it and I don't know if that's selfish or anything like that, but I have definitely thought about it because I mentioned to you before how I used to really, really want kids. And recently I have kind of stepped back from that want, and now I'm kind of 50, 50,

Kristy Yee: 3:14

Sure. What the audience, what are your thoughts about kids? Because in our previous episodes, I was very like anti kids and Angie is very like, yeah, I want kids. Whoo. My eggs are expiring. Give me some sperm.

Angie Yu: 3:28

It's not the sperm. I have trouble getting All right. So, all

Kristy Yee: 3:37

Well-played. So where are you at now? Where are you at now with like the thoughts of having kids? First of all.

Angie Yu: 3:42

I think that after my last relationship ended, which was, you know, kind of, it was kind of heading down that territory of like getting married and having kids and all kind of just like went into a shit hole and a bad one, not a good shit hole. Like, you know, like the shit holds that we, we like. and because of that, I was like, Oh shit, I'm turning 30. My eggs are expiring. I needed to find a husband and have kids now. And I don't think that was a very healthy perspective to have going into my new relationship. And you know, I've taken a step back and go, Hey, like, I'm sorry for putting that kind of pressure on you. I think that was a result of kind of like an ego rather than an actually what I want. It was more like an ego of like, Hey, I could have a husband and kids if I wanted to. And it was almost like to prove to myself that I could do it. But is it actually what I want and is a fair for the kid, if that is why I want it. Like, I haven't figured out why I wanted a kid. I think it's a, it's a multitude of factors, right? Like we are a product of our environment. We, our kids are so no, so we have been a kid and we have parents, so we know kind of what it's like. And as something that's kind of familiar and familiar as a, you know, familiar and also familial familiar. so because of that, I feel like I've always wanted kids.

Kristy Yee: 5:03

like, it's, it's just the thing to do. So that's why it's familiar because what, what are the alternatives.

Angie Yu: 5:10

Yeah. And I have thought about the alternatives before, and I came to the conclusion that, Hey, I want my own family because growing up, like when I moved to Canada, my family was kind of broken and it's not something that I regret now, but at the time, like it, it's, it's something that I recognize that, you know, I didn't get to have those Sunday dim sums with my big family. I had no longer had Chinese new year. And like all those huge family celebrations, I lost it all when I moved to Canada. And of course later on, I did re-establish those traditions on my own, but you know, that aside I did lose that. And it was almost always to me like, Hey, I want to have my own family so that I can reignite those traditions. So that was kind of the driving factor for me about wanting kids. But I think that forcing myself to always try to achieve that is not healthy. Both for me, my potential partner and just my mental health. So I'm kind of taking a step back from that want and going, Hey, you know what, if I end up with somebody who also wants kids and they want to contribute to a family as much as I do then. Okay, great. We'll have kids, but if I can't, then you know, it'll be a good life either way. I don't have to have kids to have a good life. In fact, many people say they don't want kids so they can have good life.

Kristy Yee: 6:40

which was my exact argument for not wanting to have kids, because I don't want to be tied down by this parasite that will just leach off of my money and resources forever. And that I am like emotionally and morally bounded and obligated to love this, this thing and profile forever. It's not, it's not until they're 18. It's not until they move out. It's a forever thing because I like to think that I'm a decent human being. And then if, if a child comes out of my vagina, but how are they not okay if you think about a definition of a parasite, but it, regardless if, if I were to have a baby come out of my own vagina, I'm going to unconditionally love it. I think that's just part of. Our human chemicals and how we are built, right. So I will love this thing forever. And so I will reeling the, be wanting to give all of my resources and time and energy and youth, basically my entire life to this thing, which if I think about it, it means that I don't live life for me anymore. I live life for it. Then I kind of don't want to do that.

Angie Yu: 8:02

I can

Kristy Yee: 8:02

So that was my, that was my argument for not having kids.

Angie Yu: 8:05

Okay. I can see where you're coming from. Definitely. and I know that from your situation with your dad and your mom, and you've, you've always had to play the caregiver role so I can see why, like, you just want to be like, Hey, I don't want to care for anybody else anymore. I want to just care for me. And same thing for you. Like you unconditionally loved your parents, no matter how difficult the situations were you were still absolutely caring and you went through a lot and I can see why you would have want kids like. Totally understand. And I totally understand why other people, even if they hadn't gone through a difficult childhood would not want to kids. Like it's, it's totally understandable. I'm not one of those people that like, Oh my God, you don't want kids wrong with you. But with that said, like, I still think that it's possible to have your own life and have a kid It's hard, but I do think it's possible.

Kristy Yee: 9:02

good for those people.

Angie Yu: 9:05

And I don't think it'll be possible for me, but you're right though. Like for those first 18 years, especially during the really important years of the kid, you have to be there for them. You have to, because we both know what it's like to not have someone be there for us and how traumatizing that can be. And we don't want to do that to our kids. So maybe I'm wrong.

Kristy Yee: 9:29

Here's the, okay. I don't think there's right or wrong answers. I think there's just different opinions. Different wants different values. Here's the kicker. Aye. We've been thinking about having kids

Angie Yu: 9:42

C.

Kristy Yee: 9:45

and, okay. Let me explain myself a little bit. I still stand by all of those arguments that I had just listed out, but my ex are expiring. No, that's not why I so right now I'm going through a depressive phase and I don't want to say the depression is making me want to have kids, but it caused a cascade of philosophical thoughts in my head as depression does for some people. And I was thinking, how, how can I as this one, single human being in the world, how can I best serve my community? How can I best help society? How can I change the world basically? And that's a really tough question to answer because most of us are not going to change the world. We're not superheroes, but what we can do is affect those around us, our families, our friends, our communities, our jobs, the, you know, choir that I'm a part of it's in our own little hubs. And then best way for me to serve the world and to serve society is by producing a decent human being for the next generation. And that is the most significant way that I can contribute something to the world, not just for the time that I'm alive, but hopefully the impact will carry on generation after generation. And this seems really like, I don't know, not bigotry, but just like big headed of me. Thank you. Oh, this, this specimen that I'm going to produce is going to be like so great. No, like I'm not going to create. The next superhero I've been watching a lot of Marvel. I can't think of anything over the Falcon in winter. Soldier just came out. Okay. So, but what I'm saying is that like the best way that I can contribute to the world, not only within my own hubs, in my own community yes. But also to produce something, another person, another human being that can also contribute to their own hub to their own community. And, and, and then it keeps ongoing, right? It, it keeps on giving it's the gift that keeps on giving. That's basically it, that is why I've been thinking about considering the possibility of, of having a parasite

Angie Yu: 12:42

I think that's a really good way to think about that. And it's not that you're a big headed. I think a lot of people probably do feel that way. Like, yes, we have an ego, but I think at the end of the day, a lot of people just want the world to be a better place,

Kristy Yee: 12:58

and like how, how, how else can I serve and make the world a better place? Like I can't cure climate change or cancer, you know what I mean? Maybe my kid can, but the simplest, but also most valuable thing that I can give is another decent human being on this planet.

Angie Yu: 13:20

yeah. I like that. I like that a lot. And I like, you know, a lot of parents, I think one of the downsides of Parenthood is a lot of parents fall into the trap. I don't think they consciously do it. And I don't think they decide to become a parent because of this. But a lot of parents live a life that they could have had through their kids. Right. And most of the time it's, you know, it's not something that they consciously do, but it happens. It's happened to me. I'm sure it's happened to a lot of other people and it's a lot of pressure for your kids. So. Going into that, going into Parenthood with thinking that you just want to produce a decent human being. I think that's a fantastic value that you can pass down and you're right. The best thing we can do is try to pass down those good traits and if we all do it collectively, we try to pass down. Good trace that maybe as a collective humanity will be better.

Kristy Yee: 14:23

now see, this is, this is the part where Karen's original question while we just went on for like fucking 15 minutes and it totally ignored Karen, but that part where she asks, what was it like when we have kids? What, what kind of shit do you think our kids are going to keep from us? This question in itself is actually super interesting. Cause I'm just like, I w I would love to just call my own kids out for trying to keep things from me. And they think that they're so smart, but they're not because I know what's up. I would look forward to that. I think underlyingly, what I am most afraid of is that they're going to become little shits,

Angie Yu: 15:10

Oh, yeah.

Kristy Yee: 15:11

like they're not going to become decent human beings. And, And, then, and then what the fuck was the point of ripping out my vagina for.

Angie Yu: 15:18

Or your, or your abdomen? yeah. And I think I've said that too. I've said that I actually said that to my boyfriend yesterday. Cause we went to Capilano bridge and like,

Kristy Yee: 15:29

what stimulates the conversation of procreation?

Angie Yu: 15:32

no, not the vagina ripping.

Kristy Yee: 15:34

No, I met Capilano bridge

Angie Yu: 15:37

well, cause there were a lot of kids there. And there was this one little girl. Oh, she was so cute. Like, I have more fun watching her cross the bridge than I did crossing the bridge. Like she was just so fascinated by the bridge and the swaying. And she was having so much fun, like seeing how she was. So excitable makes me go. Yeah, kids are great. And then, and then there was another kid who's like just being a total shit head. And I'm like, Oh, kids are not so great. And and then I said to him, I'm like, like it's, it's so astounding that if you give, like, if you decide to have children, you can love them. Like, you will always love them, but you might not like him.

Kristy Yee: 16:18

yeah, but then I, I don't that doesn't sit well with me though.

Angie Yu: 16:23

Okay. I,

Kristy Yee: 16:24

Like, I, I wanna, I, want to like my kids.

Angie Yu: 16:26

But you might not, you might. So

Kristy Yee: 16:28

And that's a, that's a big gamble, man. That's a big ass gamble. Cause if I'm going to have kids, like, like I said, this is a forever thing I had to, I can't just be like, I quit peace. You know? Like you are obligated for life forever until, until you die too. And, and it would be nice if I actually liked the kid, Okay, I'm going to go back to Karen's question. Cause she said recently she's been kind of noticing that she's becoming more like her mother that made me super uncomfortable. Not because Karen not because Karen, you feel like this, but because I Christie you feel like this also, I am seeing a lot of my own traits or my own behaviors mimicking my mother's traits, which are I don't like, and that makes me afraid that my kid is only going to pick up all my shitty traits. And that also scares me too. That's a whole other pile of shit.

Angie Yu: 17:27

I completely agree. And I think that's a very relatable fear because we know what we inherited from our parents. And we all see like, behaviors that we are like, fuck, you know, like I'm my mother or like, I'm my father. Right. and honestly, like, I think that's one of those things where that's just human nature. Like the whole reason why we have kids. It's, it's the only way to guarantee that our Dean nice arrives and you know, we're not a Biba, we can just like split ourselves like cologne, but like, I think that's like a very. Bio like very like innate thing that we do is because we want to pass down this like DNA. But I think that as human beings, we can overcome some of our animalistic traits. And in that case, I think being aware of, of the fact that we have these traits that we might not like being aware of, that I think can help us reduce its significance and reduce its influence on our own children.

Kristy Yee: 18:44

what are some things that you would not want to pass down to your kid?

Angie Yu: 18:48

Cool dependency. But I think I had enough conversations, AKA arguments, AK fights with my mom, that she realized that if she wants to continue being a close friend of mine in my life, like a close, like a person who's very present in my life that she had to make some changes herself. So right now my mom and I are going through this healing journey together of unlearning codependency.

Kristy Yee: 19:19

now, I don't know the biologies of this, I would think that codependency is more of a learned trait rather than like a genetic thing. I don't know.

Angie Yu: 19:35

maybe it, maybe it's a social adaptation as well. Like if you are codependent, then there is a higher chance of survival or something like that. Like, I'm sure there's lots of anthropological. I don't know if that's the right word to explain all this, but again, like for me, like, I don't want to come off. Like I'm blaming my mom. We're blaming humanity and anthropology, but I'm just saying, like, I do think we have some control over traits that we don't want to pass down, but again,

Kristy Yee: 20:10

have a lot of control. Like this is where I'm like, yo, your fear is you're you're afraid to pass on codependency. I think that's a totally legitimate fear. I think there is likely some genetic components to that because there's, there's science to say, you know, trauma can be passed on from generation to generation. So what's there to say like codependency cannot be right, but I don't know the biologies of that. Now what I am saying is that I think codependency also a big part of it is a learned behavior because you are so aware of this trait and so aware of the harmful natures that it can be. For you because you've lived through it and you're working on it and you have identified it with your mom and you guys are both working on it together. That makes you way more equipped than perhaps other folks who might not be as aware to teach your kid to not be codependent. So it actually makes your kid even less susceptible of codependency because you know, you've been through it.

Angie Yu: 21:19

Yeah, and I think that's the as decent human beings, that's the most we can do. So like all your reservations about having a kid, because you're scared of passing down traits that are negative. Like the best you can do is being aware of them and try not to do it. So I don't think. Like I totally, what I'm trying to say is I understand where you're coming from. And I think there are ways around it

Kristy Yee: 21:44

and I'm saying I'm like, you, don't gotta be afraid of it because you, of all people, your kid of all people would be less susceptible to the codependency thing. So it's like, you don't need to be

Angie Yu: 21:55

you're trying to convince me to have kids

Kristy Yee: 21:56

I'm trying to convince you that you shouldn't be afraid that your kid is going to be codependent because they of all people would be most likely less co-dependent

Angie Yu: 22:06

Yeah. another thing that I have trepidations for is that like, I have this not, even a fear anymore. I think I used to be like, Oh, I have all these like mental problems. And what if I pass them down to my kid? And now that I actually understand what they are, like one bipolar is very hereditary or not very humble. It is hereditary. and it's common and families with known mental illnesses. And my mom has severe anxiety issues and my grandma has depression. Maybe she's bipolar, who knows. so this is like something that has affected the maternal side with the women. And I know that if I have children, they're very susceptible to have that too. So for when I first became diagnosed, I was like, ah, shit, this is not good for my kids. But then I also think about a Hey, but now I know how to manage it. And it's something that I can teach them. It's I am now equipped with that tool and how to deal with this

Kristy Yee: 23:08

Nope. Nope, Nope, Nope. It's too logical. I don't like it because those are exactly the reasons that I'm afraid to have kids. One of the reasons is because I don't want to be passing on all this depression and like the anxiety, because both my, my, both, my parents have some form of their own mental illnesses. And that's exactly why I don't want to have kids is because I don't want to continue to pass down this gene because very likely they're going to get it as well now. And then your soup in here and use all your logic and tell me that, Oh, you are now better equipped at teaching your kids how to do better. Like

Angie Yu: 23:53

You just gave me the exact advice about codependency.

Kristy Yee: 23:56

Okay. Hm. Maybe, but my differentiation was codependency is less of a genetic thing and more of a learned behavior. Whereas mental illness, like having depression, that's like a gene. That is, that is, that is a biological thing. Like, I, I can't prevent it from happening. Like if they're going to get the gene, they're going to fucking get the gene. I can't, I don't have control whether or not it's going to be a recessive gene, or if it's going to be a dominant is what it is. I'm forgetting biology 12. I, I don't have the ability to control that. Right. So I F I feel like the mental illness, part of it a big chunk of that is biological. Whereas the codependency thing, a big chunk of that is learned. So nature versus nurture. That's what I'm saying. So codependency is more of a nurture bull thing, and you having the equipment and the tools, you can nurture your way out of it. the nature part of it. Sure. What, once you get it, there are management tools, right? Like you get diabetes, there are management tools. Right. But I just don't want them to get it. Like, I don't want nature to play that card. Oh God, this all sounds horrible.

Angie Yu: 25:17

no, it's not horrible. I think it's a very, very real concern that a lot of people have, especially people with a genetic predispositions to genetic illnesses. Yeah. But would you, what would you say to someone who's like, Oh, I have diabetes, so I don't want to have kids and cause I don't want to give them diabetes

Kristy Yee: 25:35

well, I don't know because I, most of me don't want to have kids too.

Angie Yu: 25:41

yeah. And I think like, again, like I think some, some people out there with diabetes or heart disease, or even severe things like multiple sclerosis, they might be like, you know what? I don't want kids because I don't want to pass this suffering to them. And that's their, that's their thing. And it sounds logical. And I'm saying that for me, a mental illness and being bipolar is not something that's going to prevent me from having kids because I am learning to manage it. And it's something that I can teach them how to manage. So that's my personal experience. And if it's an, if for you, the anxiety is around passing them a genetic trait. I mean, sorry, like a genetic hereditary illness of having a mental illness, then that's totally okay too. so I understand where your fear is coming from and yeah. It's not something that you can therapy a way, but I also don't think codependency is something you can therapy away as well. I, I think that it takes many, many generations to overcome it.

Kristy Yee: 26:46

What are, what are the other traits that you would be afraid of passing on?

Angie Yu: 26:51

I don't know. I D I don't, I don't know, but I feel like the only thing you can and really do is make them more aware. I haven't really thought about like, what other traits do I want to withhold? Because again, it's like a self fulfilling prophecy, if you're like, Oh, I

Kristy Yee: 27:12

maybe like, yeah, like it, it might not be serving us very well if we're just like, here's all the shit that I do that I don't want my kid to do as well.

Angie Yu: 27:22

And for me,

Kristy Yee: 27:23

probably not very healthy.

Angie Yu: 27:24

What about you? Like, what are so other than the mental illness thing, like, what are other traits that you're scared of?

Kristy Yee: 27:31

I just don't want them to be a little piece of shit. I just don't want to have them become a turd. And then I hate them. I think a lot of the things that I'm afraid of passing on revolve around the mental illness. So the diagnosis itself, the depression, the anxiety, the the thing I have, I haven't talked about this before on the podcast, and I haven't really talked about it with you before either because I have this anger thing. Like I sometimes think I need anger management and I also don't want to pass that on. And my mom has said it to me before. How, when I'm angry, I remind her of my dad. Because my dad was a very angry person, very violent. And she says that I remind her of him and that, and it scares her. Like it brings out actual fear in her, which heightens her anxiety even more. Yeah. Okay. So I don't want my kid to be some angry, little shithead

Angie Yu: 28:44

right.

Kristy Yee: 28:45

and I wonder if it's, I also wonder if it's, because I, if I put all of the negative thoughts that I have about myself, like I'm like, maybe it's because I think I'm a little shit head, maybe it's because I think I'm just like little angry little Asian girl, just balled up with like anger, frustration and, and depression. And, and I wonder if it's a negative judgment on myself and that makes me, like I say that that's what I'm afraid of, of passing onto my kids, but really it's just my own negative reflection of my self.

Angie Yu: 29:23

I was just going to say, it feels like you're projecting.

Kristy Yee: 29:27

Yes. That's the word projection.

Angie Yu: 29:29

just gonna

Kristy Yee: 29:29

That's

Angie Yu: 29:30

it sounds like you're projecting onto your kid. And that's exactly what I mean, when I say like, some parents don't do it consciously, but they, they try to live through their kids or they project something onto their kids. And the other thing I want to say is like, like don't beat yourself up over that because you spent very what are those called? Like the very like critical development period of your childhood with your dad. So you learned this behavior, right? Again, that's not, I don't think anger is a, is a genetic thing, especially since we learned that anger is a secondary emotion. It comes after a more real primary emotion of being scared or being irritated or being frustrated. so with that said, if that's something that you're committed into unlearning so that you don't pass it to your kid, it's something that you can work on. Like you said, maybe you need anger management and that doesn't mean going to like a bootcamp. I think it just means like journaling down wiring. I agree.

Kristy Yee: 30:38

are there bootcamps? Cause that kind of sounds fun.

Angie Yu: 30:41

I think there are like, I think

Kristy Yee: 30:43

bunch of angry people would get together and then we sing kumbaya and we throw axes and trees like break plates for some very uninviting mental action,

Angie Yu: 30:56

very

Kristy Yee: 30:57

but

Angie Yu: 30:58

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 30:59

that does sound kind of fun.

Angie Yu: 31:00

I, it seems like our, our debates, like your, your hesitation comes from both a learned behavior and a natural behavior, a natural trait. And for me, it's like, well, there's nothing you can do about passing down a natural genetic trade. And am I, am I resentful of my mom or my grandma for having kids? Because they pass down their mental illness? No, I'm not. However your kid turns out, that's an awesome thing you can control. It's like, again, now you have to

Kristy Yee: 31:36

wise, genetic wise, everything else as a parent, I think is your responsibility.

Angie Yu: 31:42

So

Kristy Yee: 31:42

And also we don't know what the fuck we're talking about. We don't know if this is actually like how much of the nurture versus nature in all of these things.

Angie Yu: 31:51

Yeah. Like we're not a parent,

Kristy Yee: 31:52

I don't, well, I mean, we're not also scientists either. I don't know how much anger is based off of nurture. And I don't know how much of anger is based off of nature basically. And I don't know how much codependency is based off of nurture versus nature, but yeah,

Angie Yu: 32:09

Yeah. And listeners are, if there are any parents in our poop trip, which we know a few. Send us a DM, let us know, like, if there are traits that you're working on with your children or some things that maybe you haven't even thought of we would love to hear from you so

Kristy Yee: 32:29

still haven't answered a

Angie Yu: 32:30

I, was just going to say that. So just circle back to Karen's question about recently, I've been realizing that I've becoming more and more like my mother, right. And

Kristy Yee: 32:44

Karen. You're not alone. I see see me as my mother more often than I want to it's it's gross.

Angie Yu: 32:51

yeah, same.

Kristy Yee: 32:52

It's very uncomfortable.

Angie Yu: 32:53

I've had this conversation with my mom. I'm like, mom, do you sometimes wish I was a different kind of daughter? And she was just

Kristy Yee: 33:00

That's a really tough question to answer as a parent. Imagine if your, your fucking kid asked you that

Angie Yu: 33:07

well,

Kristy Yee: 33:07

little sister

Angie Yu: 33:08

exactly. the, and the little shit thing, like I'm not going to lie. I think I was a little shit, but there are traits in me that my mom really liked. and there are traits in me that my mom doesn't like, like. Does she like me as a person? Absolutely. She makes it very clear that she respects me as a person because I have my own conviction. I'm very independent. are there traits of me that she doesn't like? Yeah, because I, because of those things that doesn't make me a very good daughter. It doesn't make me a good dose. I'll filial piety,

Kristy Yee: 33:38

or the daughter. that she wants

Angie Yu: 33:40

It doesn't make me the kind of daughter that Chinese society wants. Like, and, and that's something that she thought she wanted and she feels the same kind of guilt to her parents as well, because she doesn't think she fulfills that role of the perfect Chinese daughter. You know what I mean?

Kristy Yee: 33:56

that in itself is like a whole other like lesson or takeaway is that we can't just like put people back into little boxes because first of all, you will never be satisfied. You, you can't like you can't put expectations on people and then expect that to happen. Right like that, you just can't do that. But we do that in society. We, we, we want to put ourselves into these little boxes. Right? We want our kids to be a certain way. We want our husbands and our boyfriends and our girlfriends and our partners to be a certain way. Right. And we want that from our friends, from our coworkers, from the, from our project group, project members, we have these expectations. And then, and then when they don't meet those expectations, then we're like, fuck, fuck you, you little shit.

Angie Yu: 34:40

And that's exactly what I mean, like. It's okay. To be scared, but Hey, you can't control what your kid's going to turn out to be like, you can try your best to teach them values and teach them principles. But you can't, you can't control like you, you have to manage your expectations with your kids as well, because they might be a little, his shit heads. So back to Karen's question,

Kristy Yee: 35:05

Are we, are we subconsciously avoiding the

Angie Yu: 35:08

I think maybe we are so

Kristy Yee: 35:11

Okay. So Karen asks, if we have kids, when, and if we have kids, what do we think our kids would not want to tell us

Angie Yu: 35:21

yeah. What are the

Kristy Yee: 35:22

shit that they don't want to tell their moms AKA us. So we are the moms at our kids got some shit they don't, they're not gonna share.

Angie Yu: 35:29

I mean, I've kept a lot of stuff from my mom, but I eventually told her pretty much everything. Like how I used to go clubbing guests, super drunk, and then I would get home. I'd be puking the next day and she'd be like, Oh my God, what happened? And I'd be like, Oh, I ate some bad sashimi. then after a few times she's like,

Kristy Yee: 35:48

you actually think she bought that?

Angie Yu: 35:51

because for a long time she would not eat the Shamea. She was like, Nope, Nope. And then she even said to me, she's like, if you always get the sick from sashimi, why do you keep eating it? Which is kind of funny. Cause I would say the same thing to my kids. Like if you keep getting hangovers, why do you keep drinking this much? Right. But my mom was just be like, why do you keep eating sashimi?

Kristy Yee: 36:11

I lied a lot and I haven't come clean to like 90% of that shit. So I'm going to fully expect my kid to lie a shit ton as well. I'm hoping that if I ever have a kid. That I would be open enough to have a conversation where they can feel a little bit more comfortable in sharing all the delinquencies that they do without feeling that they are going to be reprimanded for it. I feel like my kid will have a lot of shit that they don't tell me, but they're gonna be like little tiny stuff. Like, Oh, I'm going to go sneak out one of my friends. But I mean, that's how my mom would go into the library, you know, like dumb shit that I actually don't care about, but they're going to lie about it because it's part of their teenage experience. I'm hoping that anything like bigger things, they will feel comfortable in sharing with me because we would have set that precedent since the beginning of time that it's okay to share about these things that it's okay to like talk shit.

Angie Yu: 37:18

We have to lead by example. Like we have to be as transparent as we can be with them. Of course, if they're six years old and they're like, where do babies come from? Then we're going to be a little bit hesitant on sharing the truth. But I think, yeah,

Kristy Yee: 37:30

them. They're going to learn eventually I will probably square.

Angie Yu: 37:36

yeah, I will probably swear. I will just be like, that's a grownup word and you can't use it until you're grown up.

Kristy Yee: 37:40

I'll have to think about

Angie Yu: 37:41

Yeah. Or like just things like, I think if they're 13 and they're like feeling uncomfortable about themselves or stuff like that, I think I'll try my best to be transparent because I realized that. I had a pretty good, because my mom was pretty like no filter. And she did, she did like, she was pretty transparent with me on most things. So because of that, it made me feel like I had a safe space. Of course she still said a lot of things that made me go really cringe and usually it's to do with sex. And I'm always like, mom, mom,

Kristy Yee: 38:15

I want to be that type of mom that just like nonchalant talk about the uncomfortable, like talk about sexy stuff. Talk about uncomfortable things, embarrass the fuck out of them. Like, isn't that part of the small joys that you get? Like these are the small joys, right? So you better believe that I'm going to make the most out of that because there's so much other shit that comes along with being a parent.

Angie Yu: 38:40

And that's the fun part. Like you gotta make it fun for yourself. You can't just put your own joy on the back of the the back of whatever

Kristy Yee: 38:48

Yeah. Create joy in the expense of your kids,

Angie Yu: 38:53

well, they stole our joy and the expense of being alive, the least we can get back from them is to create some joy at their expense. That's my logic. Like I'm going to be waking them them up at like. You know, when they're teenagers and all they do is sleep till 3:00 PM. I, you know, I'm going to walk into their room with pots and pans and wake them up Like, I'm just going to do that. Like I

Kristy Yee: 39:19

your chicken Cleaver.

Angie Yu: 39:24

I'll walk in with a Cleaver, like if you don't get up,

Kristy Yee: 39:26

We've written a walk

Angie Yu: 39:28

boom, boom, boom.

Kristy Yee: 39:29

I think the most fearful version would be if my kids just don't tell me anything,

Angie Yu: 39:34

I think that's a very real fear and I'm sure this is what a lot of people have, like relate to. And again, like, again, it's out of our control and there's, we can't control our kids. We can't force them to tell her stuff. we can't force them to tell us their stuff. Like the only thing we can do is like, it a safe space. Like my friend one of my friends. She was such a good Kish and I never got drunk. She was just like a great daughter. And I remember we all went out clubbing ones and her mom like encouraged her to have fun. And she got really drunk. We got her really drunk. She came home, she was puking the whole time. She puked on her carpet and all her mom did was laugh and make her clean it up. The next

Kristy Yee: 40:18

ah, I love it.

Angie Yu: 40:20

her mom laughed, helped her a little bit with the cleanup and was like, yeah, now you've learned your lesson. Like S you know, like you just have to give them that safe space to let them learn things on their own. And if they fuck up, the only thing we can do is be there for them and try to try to be a good mom. I think being a good mom doesn't mean that we try to make them as perfect of a person. I think being a good mom just means like, Hey, I'm here for you. I'm here for your emotional support, financial support until some point. And yeah.

Kristy Yee: 40:51

I think trying to make your kid, the perfect person makes you a bad parent.

Angie Yu: 41:00

yes, absolutely agree

Kristy Yee: 41:03

Your mom, your friend's mom sounds super dope. I had a friend who also had a really cool mom back in the clubbing days. And she would, she would drive us to the clubs in this, like their family van, which is like a big white van. That's great. And then we would get her to drop us off, like a couple blocks away from the club venue. Cause it's embarrassing to have your mom drive you. Right. And then we would like be pre drinking at the back seat of this van. Then we go clubbing and then, then we get super wasted and then one will come back and pick us up in her weight bed again, and then drop us all off individually at all of our houses.

Angie Yu: 41:50

I love that. because I think that's a lot better than like, where are you getting home? When are you getting home and just worrying about their safety? But I guess to bring it back to Karen's question for me, it's like, you know what, I don't know what they're not going to tell me. And I don't know if they're going to tell me something and there's nothing that I specifically scares me about what they're not going to tell me as a mom. The best thing I can do is provide a safe space for them and to communicate enough so that I trust that they'll make the right decision. And if I trust them, then they'll trust that if they make a mistake, I'll be there to support and not borate.

Kristy Yee: 42:30

And for me, my perfect little scenario is there just. They might lie about some dumb shit that I actually don't give a fuck about and that I will actually know what it is. And I'll just laugh about it, you know, in the, in the kitchen with my Murlow or some shit at my marble countertops, that's the, that's the fantasy version. And then the, the scary version is they just don't talk to me at all. Oh,

Angie Yu: 43:00

And you're drinking boxed wine on your vinyl countertop.

Kristy Yee: 43:04

no hay for box wine. Sometimes you just need box wine. Okay.

Angie Yu: 43:15

So speaking of box wine, I think right now would be a great time to slide one of our feel good feedbacks from one of our listeners. So this comment here is from Tamara and Tamara said, hello. I just wanted to say that I listened to your most recent episode, and I really liked it a lot. I'm on the ACE spectrum. So sex and sexuality have always been kind of a weird subject for me in some different and some very similar ways. And hearing you guys talk about us. So frankly was really refreshing. Smiley face. also. I hope you're enjoying 30. It's my favorite year so far. And congratulations on your win. For those who are not familiar, the ACE spectrum is with regards to the asexuality spectrum. And this is a topic that I absolutely am no expert in. All I can say really. As someone who's, you know, heterosexual and cisgender is that sexuality is dynamic. It's not something that's concrete. And I just hope that as a society, we can embrace all different types of sexuality and really dismantle the idea that sexuality is a two-prong thing. Thank you again, Tamara, for sharing that openly with us, it might not always be easy and hopefully we can have more conversations on our platform And if you would like to leave us a comment or give us some feedback. Please slide into our DMS, send us an email or leave us an audio message. The last one is available via the link in our show notes. We would love to hear from you. And if you do leave a audio message for us, we would love to insert it into one of our episodes, much like how this episode is based on Karen's questions. All right now let's go back to the episode

Kristy Yee: 45:00

Okay. Here's okay to wrap up this episode, we're going to answer a Karen's first question and we saved this one for last, because it's an easy one. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type? I actually do this every year.

Angie Yu: 45:12

Oh

Kristy Yee: 45:13

a breakdown almost every year and I do it with my boyfriend and then we compare it to see like first of all, have we changed? and the kind of like, learn more about each other so that we can be more understanding and compatible with the other person.

Angie Yu: 45:26

I like that.

Kristy Yee: 45:27

And I wish I would teach you. so my latest Myers-Brigg is I am an E N F P dash T. So an ENF P

Angie Yu: 45:38

And what's your boyfriend

Kristy Yee: 45:39

Oh, I don't remember

Angie Yu: 45:43

who cares?

Kristy Yee: 45:43

it's about me. Okay. It's always about me and how he can modify his behavior to Sue tomorrow.

Angie Yu: 45:53

so do you know what the T stands for?

Kristy Yee: 45:54

there's either an a or a T and I don't, I don't actually quite remember. It's an. A new sub

Angie Yu: 46:00

Yeah. So I'm also an E N F P, but I'm an E N F P a.

Kristy Yee: 46:08

Ah,

Angie Yu: 46:09

same. You're T and I'm a,

Kristy Yee: 46:11

interesting. Okay. Now we kind of have to, okay. Let me just Google this a versus T assertive versus turbulent.

Angie Yu: 46:20

Oh,

Kristy Yee: 46:21

Oh fuck. I have to complete a fucking security check and click off all the pictures that contain a boat. So assertive personality is the calm in the storm.

Angie Yu: 46:31

no, that can't be right. Maybe I am also T

Kristy Yee: 46:34

A sort of a sort of individuals are self-assured even tempered and resistant to stress

Angie Yu: 46:40

okay. That's not me. What the

Kristy Yee: 46:42

don't worry too much.

Angie Yu: 46:47

came? I must've remembered wrong.

Kristy Yee: 46:48

they're unlikely to spend a lot of time thinking about their past actions or choices. Anyways, I'm just gonna scroll down. Okay. turbulent. This is their subtitle. Okay. Power of stress. Activate turbulent individuals are success driven, perfectionistic and eager to improve. There are always trying to counter balance their self-doubts by achieving more. That is definitely me

Angie Yu: 47:11

okay. Maybe I'm

Kristy Yee: 47:12

as, just as they push themselves to become better they're as likely to push their projects or efforts in the same direction. Turbulent personalities tend to notice little problems and often do something about them before they become larger ones.

Angie Yu: 47:28

Yeah. Okay. That's not me either. Maybe, maybe I'll do mine right now. And with the magic of post-production right away. I'll tell you guys what I am

Kristy Yee: 47:39

let's find out in one second. Maybe I should do mine again. I haven't done my 20, 21. We're we're gonna, we're going to do this together. Live on

Angie Yu: 47:47

And you'll find out in one second. Okay, so that one second is up.

Kristy Yee: 47:55

so first of all, Well, let's, let's go back again. What were you before and what are you now?

Angie Yu: 48:01

So I was ENF P before, and I can't remember if it was AA or a T assertive or turbulent. What about you?

Kristy Yee: 48:09

I was Ian F P and I was turbulent.

Angie Yu: 48:14

Okay. So I am still at UNFP and I am turbulent and I have a feeling I was also turbulent before. Cause I sort of just did not sound like me, but then turbulent also didn't sound like me. So I don't know

Kristy Yee: 48:27

So mine changed, which is actually not surprising because I mentioned I do this every year. I actually switched between back and forth between Ian F P and ENF J so in 2021, I E F J.

Angie Yu: 48:44

Interesting So what was the last time you switched?

Kristy Yee: 48:49

good question. And I have this ready, uh, 20. I know, cause I, I save all of my 16 personalities. Oops. I save all of my Myers-Briggs, but spoiler, I use 16 personalities. Yeah. Yeah. We are not sponsored. Although 16 personalities. You're welcome to sponsor us.

Angie Yu: 49:11

Yes.

Kristy Yee: 49:11

the last time I was an ENF, J dash T was 2019.

Angie Yu: 49:18

Oh, interesting.

Kristy Yee: 49:19

I was ENF J 2020. I was ENF P and now 2021. I am Ian F J again,

Angie Yu: 49:26

Interesting. And I like that. You're like I have this on hand ready to go. Cause that's very T of you. So I have been ENF P for quite some time now. And I think the last time I was ENF J was in university.

Kristy Yee: 49:40

Hmm.

Angie Yu: 49:42

And I don't quite know what happened, but I think that living abroad definitely changed me quite a bit changed my perception of things, which kind of makes sense because I'm prospecting, the tray reflects our approach to work planning and decision-making really okay. Yeah. Prospecting individuals are very good at improvising and spotting opportunities. Yeah. Yeah. I would say I'm more of an improviser.

Kristy Yee: 50:15

here's another example between J versus P is J yay. These are some of the statements I would, would apply to folks who identify as Jay is. I like to have things decided I appear to be task oriented. I'd like to make lists of things to do I giggle because I am the list-maker of the group. I like to get my work done before playing I plan work to avoid rushing just before a deadline. And sometimes I focus so much on a goal that I miss new information. So that's what Jay identifies with. And then PS, PS. Are I like to stay open and respond to whatever happens. I appear to be loose and casual. I like to keep plans to a minimum. I like to approach work as play or mix both work and play. I work in bursts of energy. I am stimulated by an approaching deadline and sometimes I stay open to new information so long. I miss making decisions when they are needed.

Angie Yu: 51:18

Yeah, that

Kristy Yee: 51:19

I feel like you're definitely more P than

Angie Yu: 51:22

And maybe the reason why I used to be ENF J is because answering the questions, I was probably a lot more organized with schoolwork. And I think because that's how I learned to study, but in terms of actual work now in the real life, I'm definitely more Yolo, which is not always a good thing. I think there's pros and cons to both.

Kristy Yee: 51:44

What's interesting is, you know, how, in the past, in like previous episodes, we talked about astrology. We talked about Myers-Briggs. We talked about all these personality tests and how we, we select the answers that we believe we are. So I will pick all the Raven claw answers because I want to be in Raven claw. Right. Like whether that is a conscious or subconscious thing, we do that self fulfilling prophecy, man. That's like a theme with, where am I going with this? You asked me if I'm introverted or extroverted, what percentage? Because I keep saying I am more introverted than people think I am this test in 2021. I am the least extroverted compared to all of my other test results.

Angie Yu: 52:35

So when you, okay, so first of all, you mentioned astrology, so it made my eyes,

Kristy Yee: 52:41

And then your heart pounded. then your palms start

Angie Yu: 52:43

sweat. and then mom's spaghetti.

Kristy Yee: 52:50

We have talked everything from our perspective of kids and how that has changed and what we would be like as parents and what our fears are as parents, our fantasy version of having kids and our scary version of having kids. And then we went all the way to Myers-Briggs and relationships. This is a mish-mash. Thank you, Karen. Again

Angie Yu: 53:15

Yes.

Kristy Yee: 53:15

I think peace out.

Angie Yu: 53:17

Okay. All right now, let's go back to the episode. All right now, let's go back to the episode. All right now let's go back to the episode