27. Our Shit: Suicide Ideations and the Depression Roller Coaster

What is it like to have suicidal ideations? Kristy relapsed into depression and none of her usual depression management strategies worked. We talk about her obsessive behaviour to escape reality, using hentai to boost serotonin, different methods of seeking help, and taking medical leave to improve her mental health. **CONTENT WARNING: Suicide**   

Highlights:

• Obsession with the Hunger Games trilogy as a means to escape reality 
• Obsession with hentai to trigger serotonin and endorphins  
• Thinking about death when waiting for egg tarts  
• Separating between yourself from the illness (depression)  
• How Kristy travels the world during a global pandemic  

Takeaways:

• You're the only person to advocate for your health  
• The privilege we have is external, what we do with that privilege is internal   
• If the 1st few healthcare professionals didn't work out, don't give up on seeking help  
• Let go of expectations for tomorrow; just be where you are today  
• Vocalizing your depression can be liberating and validates your pain  
• Not everyone has the capacity to support your mental health journey, but it doesn't mean no one can  

Free Resources:

• Bounce Back Program for Anxiety & Depression (BC residents)  
• MindShift CBT App by Anxiety Canada  
• Anxiety Canada - Instant resources  
• VCH Access & Assessment Centre  
• Virtual family physicians (Maple, Babylon, Access Virtual) 
• Chinese Mental Health Resources (Greater Vancouver) 
• Asian Mental Health Resources (US/Canada) 
• Crisis Service Canada
• Suicide Prevention Lifeline
• Crisis Helpline (Canada):  1-833-456-4566
• Suicide Helpline (USA): 1-800-273-8255

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Transcript

Kristy Yee: 0:00

Before we start this episode. Major content morning, because we're going to be talking about suicide specifically. My Christie. Christie's mys my suicide specifically. my thoughts, not my thoughts on suicide, me being suicidal. This is what this episode is about. So major content warning here.

Angie Yu: 0:26

Okay. Microphone, me careful. I am. My name is.

Kristy Yee: 0:31

I'm going to keep touching my nose today

Angie Yu: 0:34

Okay.

Kristy Yee: 0:34

because it's itchy.

Angie Yu: 0:36

oh, allergies.

Kristy Yee: 0:37

I think it's because I have this like wisp of bangs and they just fall, it just touch. They just gently graze my nose enough to tickle it. So I keep touching it and the more I touch it, the more itchy it gets.

Angie Yu: 0:53

Do you not have a Bobby

Kristy Yee: 0:54

I do. I do. But now it's too late. Now I'm tethered to this microphone and I've committed.

Angie Yu: 1:02

Okay. Welcome back to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom this is Angie.

Kristy Yee: 1:32

is Kristy

Angie Yu: 1:33

Hello? Hello. Hello. For those of you who have listened to episode 25. thank you. We are starting a, series called our shit where Kristy and I are going to talk about our shit our day to day, our struggles, our triumphs with our mental illnesses. You know, at the more, not minuscule, but at the more, you know, what

Ep 27 Angie - June 2021: 1:57

is

Angie Yu: 1:57

that like?

Kristy Yee: 1:57

Day to day.

Angie Yu: 2:02

like, you know what I mean? Like, it's, it's more like practical, practical, like yeah. Day to day more practical, discussions of how we're doing in our mental health journeys. Because, you know, we talked about our kind of the start to our origin stories and stuff like that. Back in like episode two, episode three, five, six, we touched upon it in episode nine. So essentially we just want to continue the conversation, the discussion about what it is like to live with depression, anxiety, bipolar, et cetera.

Kristy Yee: 2:33

Also, if you are the type of poop troop who likes to hear other people's stories then you can just straight up jump to the episodes that doesn't have the word, our shit in the title.

Angie Yu: 2:43

There you go. So with that said, we will start today's episode with an update from Christie,

Kristy Yee: 2:49

and then you leave it open for me.

Angie Yu: 2:55

just passing the buck. No, I'm just kidding. So, so Christie has been going through some stuff and it's been, I dunno, I don't, I don't want to describe it for you,

Kristy Yee: 3:07

I can, I can take the bucket.

Angie Yu: 3:08

okay. Okay.

Kristy Yee: 3:09

It was that yeah. Bucket. That's what you

Angie Yu: 3:10

No. I said, buck, pass the buck.

Kristy Yee: 3:13

What's the buck like a dollar like a moose

Angie Yu: 3:17

Pass the buck. It's like a phrase.

Kristy Yee: 3:19

but you're going to pass me. The moose is his bucket.

Angie Yu: 3:22

No, I'm gonna pass the buck. Hold on, hold on.

Kristy Yee: 3:27

The loony, you're going to give me the loony.

Angie Yu: 3:30

So pass the buck is a shift. So shifting the responsibility for something to someone else.

Kristy Yee: 3:36

Yeah, it is. I have the buck now. So some updates for everyone. and some folks might notice as well, because I did share a little bit on my Instagram at the beginning of this journey. And then I have since not really been on any social media my depression has relapsed in the last couple of months in the last couple of months. You know what a time is, just whatever now. but it's been around two months since I noticed my depression coming back. And what was different about it? This time was a lot of my regular management skills, like meditating, journaling, that stuff, it wasn't working. I was so disinterested in doing any of that. And I noticed I was behaving a lot more obsessive towards certain things and it was distracting me from work. Like I was just, I, I, my heart and my mind. Was not in it at all. So I have since taken time off work to try to figure out what this new depression territory is, because it was getting scary when all of my tools and resources didn't work and it felt like I was starting all over again. I didn't know where this depression was taking me. So I took time off work so I can figure some of this shit out and try different resources and get some support. So I've been seeing a social worker because they were the cheapest form of therapy, basically. And at first it's, it's always difficult because anytime you work with any new healthcare professional, you have to build rapport and trust. And that takes at least a few sessions and you kind of have to feel them out and. You talk about a lot of surface level stuff that you think is the problem, but it isn't actually the problem. So I talked a lot about my obsession with the hunger games, because

Angie Yu: 5:38

I love this part of the story.

Kristy Yee: 5:40

this is when it gets real. Okay. So how does all start? Okay. I'm going to backtrack a bit. How did all this start? Where did the depression come from? When did I start noticing it? I noticed it when I was on vacation, which I thought was very strange, but in hindsight it makes sense. And I S I took basically a week off and for the first half of the week, everything was great. I was decompressing. I felt good. I did a little staycation thing by myself. And then right in the middle of it, I. Discovered hunger games. And I'm not saying hunger games triggered anything, but I basically, when I read the first book, I didn't stop reading at all. So I spent a whole day reading the first book, and then I got really upset from 12 o'clock midnight all the way till the next day 8:00 AM, because they didn't have the second book. Like I cry.

Angie Yu: 6:38

Oh, no, I didn't know that part. So the, so the one thing that I thought was really funny is this happened when you were staying at an Airbnb locally, a local Airbnb to kind of give yourself that space that you might not have when you're at home. Cause he lived with your mom. Right. So that's totally understandable. And then you found this, like you literally discovered a book in the Airbnb hunger games. The first one.

Kristy Yee: 7:04

Yeah. Yeah. You know how like decorative books is a thing now. Right? So this Airbnb host, they took the hunger games book and they like wrapped it in this brown paper bag, cover thing. And then they use it as a decorative piece on their shelf. Okay. So it's not even a book. It's not even like welcome read my books. It's like, this is a piece of artwork and I'm just going to cover it up. I'm going to get a cover the fact that this is a hunger games book and then use it as a decorative piece. And

Angie Yu: 7:33

of makes me sad, but okay.

Kristy Yee: 7:36

so here I was, I was on my last day of the Airbnb. So I was going to check out the next morning. And I had zero plans. I woke up early, made some coffee, you know, it was going to just chill and feel good. And as I was waiting for the coffee to brew fun fact, I don't drink coffee. I only drink coffee when I'm on vacation. I mean, when I was waiting for the coffee to brew, I noticed the brown paper bag book on the shelf, and I was curious, so I go over, I take the book and a thing that I do with all books and some movies is I don't read the synopsis. I just like to dive right into a book I love it. I find the experience so much more immersing. Because I don't know where I, whatever, I don't know where I am, what year I'm in, if I'm you know, if, if this person is like a 30 year old or a seven year old, like I have no idea. Right. And it's so great to discover that as you read anyway, so I read like the first chapter, and then I realized it's the hunger games, even though I don't know anything about the hunger games,

Angie Yu: 8:39

oh, that's how, yeah. When you told me that, like you didn't realize it was the hunger games until after the first chapter, I'm like, but that title, and now that you're telling me it was wrapped in brown paper. Oh, okay. That's how you didn't know.

Kristy Yee: 8:51

Yes. So it was just like this anonymous, mysterious book. I expected some like yellowing book from 1964. but it wasn't, it was like a 2008 novel in this

Angie Yu: 9:05

one of the most popular series lately. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 9:08

So I figure, you know, what, I have nothing to do for the day. Well, let me just like read it because it's getting kind of interesting and then fast forward, I read the whole thing. I finished it. I took multiple baths I hung out on the roof. Like I had a good day. Okay. I had a good, good day. And then when I finished it, I was so upset because I didn't have the second book with me. And then I got into this weird, weird phase where I started thinking about all my exes and then I, and then I started crying. And then the next day when I checked out, the first thing that I did in the morning was, oh, here's another background thing. When I'm on vacation, I don't touch my phone. In fact, I put it in the closet. I allow myself if I need to. If I think about it, I'm like, okay, I have to like go to the closet and like open up the drawer. And I'm like, Nah I don't actually need it. So I give myself that space to be mindful and question if I actually need my phone or not, because usually we do it so automatically. So when I'm on vacation, I let myself ask, do I need it? And usually I don't.

Angie Yu: 10:07

That's actually, that's actually cool. It's a good way to disconnect.

Kristy Yee: 10:10

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I'm not like locked bringing it up and throwing it away. The key, you know, like I don't want to force it, but I just want to give myself the opportunity to say, do you actually want it anyways, that's a side note now. When I woke up in the morning. Oh, you betcha. I went on my phone, let me open up this drawer. I'm like, where's my phone into my bag.

Angie Yu: 10:35

open up the hunger games, Wiki, and then you just

Kristy Yee: 10:38

Well, I went to my library app to see where the next copy of the book is so that I can check out of this Airbnb immediately and drive myself to whichever library branch. It is anywhere in the city. So I can pick up, said book. Now I found it, of course, but the library didn't open until 11 and this is eight o'clock in the morning.

Angie Yu: 11:04

oh my God.

Kristy Yee: 11:05

what am I to do? What, what is the one to do? So then I Googled and I found the e book.

Angie Yu: 11:13

oh my God, because you couldn't wait three hours.

Kristy Yee: 11:16

of course not. No. Okay. I need to know what happens. So I basically, I read the ebook up until I arrived at the library so I can hold the physical copy. I literally went from reading it off of my phone until I have the tangible book in my hand. And then I swapped it over. Anyways, so that was a really long story about my obsession with the hunger games, but I'm going to just like speed up a little bit because I ended up reading all three books in two days and then I went out and I bought the new prequel that came out and I read that. And then once the story was over, what the fuck do I do with the rest of my life? Right. So then I re-read the whole series again. And I did this three times

Angie Yu: 12:02

Holy shit.

Kristy Yee: 12:03

cause I couldn't let go. Of this story,

Angie Yu: 12:05

Three times you read it three times within the span of how long

Kristy Yee: 12:09

like a week and a half, maybe, maybe two weeks.

Angie Yu: 12:13

did you eat? Did you sleep?

Kristy Yee: 12:15

Here's the thing I did all of those things while reading. When I wake up, the first thing I do is I open my book and I read, and then I will get out from my bed and I will hold the book as I get out. And then I, with one hand, I'm holding the book with the other hand, I'm like making my bed and then I walk into my bathroom and then I start brushing my teeth, trust me, squeezing out toothpaste, and then making sure your toothbrush is balanced. And doesn't flip over with one hand is it's difficult, man. It's difficult, but that's what I did every single morning and night, because my other hand is holding the fucking book. And I will do this when I'm cooking, so needless to say, I was very distracted and I couldn't work properly,

Angie Yu: 12:55

You are like obsessed. You are like addicted. Like there it's one thing to be like, oh, I can not put down this book. Like when people say, oh, this book is so good, I couldn't put it down. Like, it's an exaggeration because I don't know. You've got to put it down when you're eating, got to put it down when you're sleeping or brushing your teeth, but

Kristy Yee: 13:12

A PM poo with it, everything. That's how, that's why I read it so quickly. Okay.

Angie Yu: 13:17

because you were literally addicted to it because it was an escape from reality

Kristy Yee: 13:22

exactly, because I didn't want to be in the world that I was in and the hunger games world was the only place that wasn't about me in my head, because I didn't want to live in my own world.

Angie Yu: 13:38

And when did you realize that?

Kristy Yee: 13:40

When my therapist asked me and the answer just came out that I didn't want to be in my own reality. And that the only way for me to live and breathe and stay alive was to be in another world. Otherwise I didn't want it to be. here. And then I know the next question is like, well, what happened afterwards? How did you get out? Like, I don't really know. Maybe watching the movies propelled that a little bit, but a lot of times I just don't know how or why I mean, eventually it, it dissipated it faded and, and my obsession went to something else. I started to watch a lot of h which is a different form of escape

Angie Yu: 14:29

hentai as in like porn,

Kristy Yee: 14:31

porn,

Angie Yu: 14:32

like animate porn. Oh,

Kristy Yee: 14:35

Yeah.

Angie Yu: 14:36

okay.

Kristy Yee: 14:36

So it wasn't as obsessive as the hunger games. So I wasn't like watching porn all the waking time, but it would be in the morning and at night and it'd be hours

Angie Yu: 14:49

wow.

Kristy Yee: 14:50

like three, four hours.

Angie Yu: 14:52

And where are you still working at this point? I can't remember.

Kristy Yee: 14:55

I can't remember. because it's kind of a blur, but it was either I just started to take time off or I was just about to take time off. I feel like it's, it's the former, because there's was. Yeah, because what I remember, I was still in the hunger games zone when I was asking for time off work. Yeah. So it must have been like, yes, yes, yes. It's all coming together so it was during the hunger games phase, I started therapy and then I took time off work because I couldn't function. I couldn't think of anything else. Besides the hunger games,

Angie Yu: 15:32

yeah, that's an addiction. It's like everyone it's like when people are addicted to like, I don't know, crack and they're like, when's my next hit. When's my next hit. And they're always constantly thinking about getting their next hit and the hunger game was your crack.

Kristy Yee: 15:45

I was like, So, okay. So after I finished the books right, and watched all the movies and then read all the books again and again, I would just go online and I would just read quotes from the book. And there are websites out there that will list all of top quotes from your favorite characters. And I would read them over and over and over and over again, mostly PETA's quotes.

Angie Yu: 16:15

Yeah. So you can bring that your version of Peeta back to life in your head and erase the version that you saw in the movies.

Kristy Yee: 16:22

That is precisely the reason.

Angie Yu: 16:24

Yeah. So like like I totally understand. I can sympathize with what you're going through, because it is, it is quite scary to have your entire life revolve around this thing. That's very external. And I remember mentioning before that, when I went through uh, uh, my like big depression time off from work and just not wanting to be here anymore, it was what kind of made me realize, like, I can totally see why addiction is a mental health thing. And some people get addicted to drugs. Some people get addicted to alcohol. Some people get addicted to Hungary, the games. And it also happens that drugs and alcohol are much, much harder to wean off. and reading, if anything is, is touted as something that's like positive. Right. So, yeah, like it does sound like you are absolutely really just your head was completely clearly in this. And it must've been really hard to kind of step back and be like, okay, what am I doing?

Kristy Yee: 17:21

it was really scary because when I was in it, I couldn't tell if it's, like you said, I love this book so much. I can put it down and there are definitely a lot of huge, huge fandoms out there for hunger games, as well as for any other large franchise, like Harry Potter and et cetera. And I couldn't tell if it was just because like, I really enjoy the series or if it's a manifestation of something else going on as well.

Angie Yu: 17:48

it's probably both, but probably more of the latter.

Kristy Yee: 17:51

Yeah. And, and I didn't know. And that's what made it scary was I couldn't tell if it's like, oh, I just really love these books or you, oh, I should probably take some time off and like talk to somebody about this.

Angie Yu: 18:04

right. It was also because it felt like you didn't have control over this behavior. Like your, your emotions were, were guiding, guiding your behavior.

Kristy Yee: 18:13

There was like nothing else that I wanted to do besides be immersed in anything hunger games related and then. Afterwards, my next obsession was the hentai and the porn that gave me something completely different. It wasn't okay. Hunger games. It's not like I want it to live in that world. Okay. It's pretty fucked up, but it was the, world's not of my own. Right. And that's why I wanted to go in there. Plus it is a good book and it's good franchise. I enjoy it. Okay. So I am now a hunger games fan.

Angie Yu: 18:46

no, I like convince my boyfriend to watch hunger games at the beach. and he was kind of like, he was kind of like, oh, like, I don't really want to, I'm like, you know what the concept is that there, they all have to kill each other. You love that shit. And he's like, okay. But he actually like, got really into it. He's like, yeah, like he's like, I knew that there was going to be a lot of killing, but there was like, actually like a lot of killing and there were like, I was like, yeah, there's monsters too. And he's like, yeah, the, it got really political and that was kind of cool. Like I didn't expect that to happen. Yeah. Anyway, so it is a good series and it's not just for teenage girls.

Kristy Yee: 19:18

Yup. I

Ep 27 - Kristy - June 2021: 19:19

must

Kristy Yee: 19:19

say I also got my boyfriend to watch it and he did watch most of the movies when they came out and he was like, ma right. but he was willing to watch them because I was in this fucking hunger games. Crazy. So, so yeah,

Angie Yu: 19:31

Oh, that's nice.

Kristy Yee: 19:33

we watched them like, back-to-back not in a full day because to breathe. So thank God for that.

Angie Yu: 19:41

to reality.

Kristy Yee: 19:44

But we would watch, like, there would be a day where we watched two back to back and then like, you know, the next time we get together, we will watch the next one. And the next one. So we watched them fairly

Angie Yu: 19:54

They're only,

Kristy Yee: 19:55

There's four movies. So he enjoyed them so much more watching them. Back to back because he is more invested in these characters. He, he remembers the story. Whereas for someone who did not read the book and you watch these movies, and there were like a few years apart, you're like, what the fuck? You know?

Angie Yu: 20:16

Yeah. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 20:17

Yeah. Anyways, that was just us selling hunger games. When I got into the porn phase, I felt like it was, I felt like, I don't know what chemicals, maybe it was dopamine or oxytocin or whatever it was that I was seriously lacking. That's what porn was giving me either through the actual physical, like masturbation part of it, because, you know, you release a lot of feel, good stuff. But also in, in the act of watching it. So when I watch hentai, or if I watch any sort of porn, I like story. I like character development as as much. And although it's not

Angie Yu: 21:04

I totally get this. We like talked about this in one of the sexuality episodes too, is because there's a lot of emotional aspects, especially for women when it comes to like anything sex related. So if you're emotionally invested in this plot, Then, like, you know, it's better. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 21:20

exactly, I need to know why there are banging each other, you know, I need to know, I need to know how it led up to them, fucking the shit out of each other. I need

Angie Yu: 21:35

because you also want to know that they're actually enjoying it and not just because they're trying to make a buck.

Kristy Yee: 21:40

Yeah.

Angie Yu: 21:41

Yeah. Or, you know, thousands of bucks. I don't know how much they get paid, but I'm sure they get paid. Well, I think, I don't know. Anyway.

Kristy Yee: 21:48

but I mean, like with hen it's drawn, so, you know, but yes, in the, in the

Angie Yu: 21:57

I want to know that they're enjoying it. You still want to know the characters are enjoying themselves. Yes.

Kristy Yee: 22:02

So I, I felt like with the hunger games, I just wanted to be in another world because I was severely, severely depressed that I didn't want to be in my own world. And then with porn, it was giving me a lot of these hormones. and stimulating, I don't know the transmission of neuro transmit transmission of transmitters.

Angie Yu: 22:25

released. Yeah. The release of these good hormones.

Kristy Yee: 22:29

And that was my dose of being able to get that. So it was like drugs for me.

Angie Yu: 22:33

Yep. Yep. How did you feel about it after,

Kristy Yee: 22:37

like after that phase or after watching porn?

Angie Yu: 22:40

after watching porn?

Kristy Yee: 22:41

Oh, well, mostly I felt really groggy and not just because I just masturbated like, you know, three, four times, but because I just spent three, four hours in bed, like staring at a screen

Angie Yu: 22:58

Yeah. Yeah,

Kristy Yee: 22:59

and sometimes this will happen in the middle of the night. So it'd be like three, four o'clock in the morning.

Angie Yu: 23:05

It's not like you actually had a lot of energy and you were producing these feel good hormones herself. It was like a last resort to kind of generate some good hormones in your brain using an external method. So it's not like you would feel super energized after if anything, your body would be like, okay, that was the maximum amount of good hormones I'm able to produce for you. Now let me, bleh

Kristy Yee: 23:30

Yeah, exactly. And like, even if it was important, even if it wasn't anything, if you stay up till the wee hours of the morning, you're going to feel pretty lethargic and dis you know, does,

Angie Yu: 23:44

unless you have bipolar.

Kristy Yee: 23:46

And then I also felt like, why, why do I need this? Why am I doing this? There's nothing against bore on hentai. But this is not the rate I usually consume.

Angie Yu: 24:04

it's not healthy.

Kristy Yee: 24:04

And I didn't realize at the time that I was doing this for those hits of hormones and neurotransmitters, I was just really confused. It was just another layer of confusion that I already had. I was already confused with like the hunger games situation. I was confused as to where my depression was taking me because I started having thoughts of not wanting to be in this world, which led me to suicidal ideations. That was really fucking scary. And then this whole porn thing, like there was just all these things that were happening and I had no. Answers to. And even though I allowed myself to just, okay, let's just see where this goes. As long as you have support people around you let's just see how this plays out. I allowed myself to do that, but it doesn't take away from the fact that it is scary walking down, unknown territory.

Angie Yu: 25:03

especially since. Yeah, like you said, like when, when you look at everything in hindsight, which is what we're doing now, everything makes sense. But when you're in the middle of that dense fog, you have no idea where you are or where you're headed. And it's really scary. The uncertainty is scary.

Kristy Yee: 25:21

yep. And so, I mean, I felt. Really fortunate that I am immersed in this mental health advocacy space, because then I knew that this was something that I feel weird about, but I'm not ashamed about, because I'm going to tell my work that yo I'm depressed. I need some time off and they were 110% supportive about it. Everything was great. And I'm fortunate for that. I am also grateful that I have the knowledge to seek support and I'm like, I need to find therapy. And even though yes, cost is a big factor. And I think a lot of people, a lot of people might not even have those resources, but there are also free resources And we'll link some in the show notes. And I also reached out to a family physician, not my family physician, cause I don't like the dude.

Angie Yu: 26:20

That's fair.

Kristy Yee: 26:21

awesome. That's a whole other episode. But I just went online and they're very accessible in Canada. There's maple and there's access virtual and I'm sure there's plenty of other ones where you can just jump on and then book an appointment with a physician there. They're just family doctors. and okay, this is, this is not advocating it very well, but, I went on to access virtual. And I saw a family physician. And when you go on the first time you fill out the intake form, because there'll be like, why are you here? why do you need to see a doctor today? Like what, blah, how long have you been feeling whatever symptoms it is that you have listed? And so I listed like depression and like, I've been feeling this for about three weeks now, blah, blah, blah. and, and when the doctor came on, like web video chat, whatever, they're like, so have you been feeling sad? I'm like, no, I've been majorly depressed in the last three weeks where I have been thinking about taking my life. It's just like, yeah, it's very common these days with COVID. Why don't I write you up a prescription? And my mind was like, oh my God, please.

Angie Yu: 27:45

Yeah. Send her to like a training course. Maybe. I don't know, like, yikes

Kristy Yee: 27:51

And the thing is, I don't think she was trying to sound condescending.

Angie Yu: 27:57

and invalidating.

Kristy Yee: 27:58

Exactly. I don't think she was trying at all. I think she was actually trying to be empathetic and that's what made me even more sad they were putting in effort to support me and my mental health. And I can feel that they're trying to come from a good place, but their own what it seems like stigmas. Have not been addressed.

Angie Yu: 28:24

Yep.

Kristy Yee: 28:25

And so even though they are air quotes, trying, I see their stigma way more than their efforts.

Angie Yu: 28:32

correct. Yeah. And I think in, and this is not supposed to be like a, a critical, a critical assessment of our health system. But I think family physicians here, especially in BC, first of all, there's like a lack of them. and they're so overwhelmed, especially during COVID that, you know what, they probably don't have the resources to be a good resource. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like they themselves are struggling too during COVID. Yeah. And that, that sucks, but I'm still like, sorry that you had to go through that because that's so like the last thing you want to hear

Kristy Yee: 29:09

I just kept thinking. I'm like if I wasn't a healthcare professional myself, and if I wasn't in a mental health advocacy space, if I was anybody else who didn't have the knowledge that I already have, I would feel like first of all, medication is the only thing and that I'm not actually that cared for.

Angie Yu: 29:29

Yeah, because it's so common that like, Hey, like this is a cold, you're just, you have a cold, and, and there are sources out there that says depression is like the cold of mental illnesses, and be that as a may. It does not reduce the severity of it. And I don't think the fate tality rate of Coles is anything comparison to depression. And I just think that. The way she said it. Like I wasn't there, but from the way that you are retelling the story, it definitely had a very negative impact on you. And it was not helpful whatsoever.

Kristy Yee: 30:04

Nope. No. And This is funny because I was in a spiel of like, there are resources out there it go see your family physician. And oh, here, this is my shitty story of when I went to see a family physician. Okay. Back having said that access virtual, the platform that I had used, they do have care navigators and they can help you do some research. So I asked the physician, I'm like, are there other interventions as well before I explore medication? Are there any group programs, support groups? Like what do you think about psychiatry? Always advocate for your own health. Don't just listen to the healthcare professional, right? Ask questions and ask for more things. Okay. Don't just take what they prescribe as the only thing.

Angie Yu: 30:52

absolutely. That is yes, that is, we cannot emphasize that enough.

Kristy Yee: 30:57

And then with my experience with access virtual, because I had asked for these things, then the doctor was like, oh yeah, there are like ABCD things. let me have our care navigator look up some resources for you and then send them over to you. So I did find that overall experience was positive because I was able to get something out of it and I was able to get resources and and I still took the prescription and I have the meds sitting on my kitchen counter. And I know that that is something that I can turn to like a, another tool in my toolbox.

Angie Yu: 31:30

That's right. I'm so glad that you asked for more and that you didn't just take it as is. I recently had an encounter with someone who is also suffering with major depression and she doesn't really speak English. So for her, she doesn't have a family doctor. So she just goes to a clinic. A walk-in it's not always the same doctor. It's not consistent support either. So she told me that the most recent one, she went to, they were so dismissive of her and just like, like, didn't really take the time to care about her at all. And she said it made things so much worse. And she didn't get the help that she needed. And I felt just like a sadness that the system wasn't able to help her because of her language barrier. So I went online, found a list. So on one of the health websites in BC, they do have like a three page PDF or a two page PDF of different resources in Chinese that have different sources that people who speak Chinese can reach out to. So I sent that to her and she was super grateful. Now I didn't look for any other languages, but I do hope that they offer it in multiple languages, but even then it's still not enough. And I think like, okay, now I'm just kind of going on a tangent, but you know, like the system is never going to cover everyone. There are always people who are going to slip through the cracks. And unfortunately not the system or other people, sometimes even family are not going to be there to advocate for yourself. And like Kristy said, like sometimes you just really have to advocate for yourself. So ask for more support, ask for more resources. If you're not getting it from health care providers or seek a second opinion or third or whatever. Like many people always emphasize like, Hey, if you don't find somebody who's helpful, look for another one. Like don't give up after first. Try. And that was so helpful for me because the first counselor that I saw was like, they were a great person, but it just was not the right fit. So I kept looking until I found the right fit. So same thing with any sort of health care provider. They're all human too. Like Kristy is a healthcare provider and she's human. She might not be able to offer the best service to every single person that approaches her. And sometimes it's just about looking for that right match. So if you're going on to access virtual or seeing your family doctor, and nothing is really working out for you, like, please don't give up because you will find somebody who will be able to help you so back to Christie's story. So at what point. Cause I was here and there. Like, I kinda know what happened with you, but at what point you just approached me one day. You're like, I'm taking off work now. And you also talk to me about it beforehand. Like, oh, I don't know if I should take time off work because of this and that. Like, what was the turning point for you where you decided, you know what, I really need a break

Kristy Yee: 34:36

When I wanted to kill myself, that was a major, major red flag amongst all the little red flags that I was ignoring. It wasn't my first time I've had these thoughts before, but somehow it felt more real this time. And I don't know what that means. I don't know if that means I'm invalidating my previous experiences or if it's just because it's closer to home. So I feel it more raw in the past is like more diluted because it's further away. I don't know, but it felt like, okay. if I feel like this right now, and I cannot think in another way, because when I was depressed, no, I still am depressed. But when I. Was, in that space, I felt completely hopeless. I felt like there is just no reason to live at all. I thought about my friends and family and how they would feel. And for sure it would be a huge grief and real shit, probably very traumatic. So I started Googling survivors of suicide and family members, and I look, and I read their stories and I try to see can my friends and family handle this, can my friends and family be like these people, do they have that support? And there are lots of support groups out there for people who have lost a loved one due to suicide. And I wanted to understand from their perspective, what that was like. And I started reading forums of people like of significant others asking for help online. Like, Hey, my girlfriend, my boyfriend is suicidal. Basically I was looking at all the opinions from the other side of the, like, not, not for me, but everybody else around me so that I can see is this, is this something I want to put them through? And that was part of my Googling. My other parts of my Googling was looking up suicidal methods. I look to see different success rates of various methods. And I looked at the differences between. I didn't personally like looked at this on purpose, but through my findings, I found there was differences between methods based off of gender based off of like AXA accessibility, of course. and then also looked at consequences if they were failed attempts. Well, what happened if I O D but then I didn't die. Like, do I want to do that to my body? if I chose another method and it didn't work right? Like What are the consequences of failed attempts? So I was doing all these like research and it just felt like the only option, like, I know it sounds very silly, but when you're in the mindset and it's completely hopeless, plus there is no other. It's very linear. And in the past, when I feel depressed, but not suicidal, I would think about things like traveling because that's something that I love that I, that I find meaning in life is to see all these different communities, meet all these people in the world, see how they live, understand cultures, taste different foods like that. That drives me to do all the things that I do. So of course, as a millennial traveler, I have one of them scratch maps in my room. Whenever I look at that scratch map, it's always a positive feeling either like, wow, look at all these places that I've already been to or wow. Look at how big the world is and all these other places that I want to go to like, oh, so many beauty in the world. Okay. When I looked at that map in that phase, all I could think about was what is the point? I felt no pleasure in anything that used to

Ep 27 - Kristy - June 2021: 38:50

give

Kristy Yee: 38:51

me pleasure.

Angie Yu: 38:52

Yeah,

Kristy Yee: 38:53

And I know that's very textbook, but it's a reason it's

Angie Yu: 38:58

it's textbook.

Kristy Yee: 39:00

because that's how it feels. There's no, there's just nothing else. There's

Angie Yu: 39:05

There's nothing to keep you going. Other than the button of self-destruction that we come with.

Kristy Yee: 39:13

I just wanted to not feel so shit anymore. And it's so scary because I'm like, holy fuck. That means I'm suicidal. I don't want to be suicidal. Okay. I want to thrive. I want to be that person. Who's excited about traveling again. I remember there was one day I was in the parking lot at my nearby at London drugs. And I was picking up egg tarts because there's like an egg tart place nearby. Yes. It's like the best egg tarts in the whole fucking city. Like I think it's the best egg Tara set I've ever had. And I've been to Hong Kong

Angie Yu: 39:45

Yes, me too. I will fight anybody who disagrees with me.

Kristy Yee: 39:49

anyway. So in that parking lot, and I was waiting for the new batch of egg parts to come out. Okay. So I lean against my car and I have my phone and I'm just scrolling, like most people do, but I'm scrolling through suicidal methods, just chilling in the parking lot, waiting for my egg tarts

Angie Yu: 40:12

Sorry. I

Kristy Yee: 40:12

see what are the, I know, I know. I know, but it's

Angie Yu: 40:15

be laughing at that.

Kristy Yee: 40:19

you have no idea what people are looking at when they're on their phones. Okay. I remember it was a beautiful sunny day and here I am, like all privileged, you know, at this point I had taken time off and I'm waiting for my egg tarts, in my fucking Lexus, you know? and, and I just want to die.

Angie Yu: 40:39

I'm going to say the same thing you said to me a couple of weeks ago, privilege has nothing to do with any of this.

Kristy Yee: 40:47

Yeah.

Angie Yu: 40:48

Like, yes, we have certain privileges in terms of accessibility and being able to help ourselves and putting mental health as priority, but it does not take away the pain. That you feel, and it does not take away the help that you need.

Kristy Yee: 41:03

In that moment, I Googled the suicide helpline and stared at it. And I was very, very close to hitting the number and calling just to see cause maybe I, I need that in that moment. Maybe I need

Ep 27 - Kristy - June 2021: 41:23

that

Kristy Yee: 41:23

help, but then I thought maybe, I don't know. No, not for me. Not because I don't think I was suicidal, but I felt like maybe someone else needs to align more

Angie Yu: 41:34

oh, Christie.

Kristy Yee: 41:35

and I don't want to tie up the line if I'm just waiting for my egg tarts. Like I'm not, you know, standing over a bridge, you know what I mean?

Angie Yu: 41:43

Yeah, I do know what you mean, but it doesn't take away the pain. Like I can feel probably a small part of the pain that you felt just by, by listening and that's, that's human connection. And and I'm really sorry that you were in that mind space. It's, it's hard. It's really hard. Especially when you think of yourself as this really extroverted bubbly person. You're like, how can I be like this? Like, how is it possible when I have all of these, like all these things in life and family and friends, but it doesn't matter. Cause all those things are external. The privilege that we have is external. What we do with that privilege is internal. The support that we have for mental health is external, how we approach that support is internal. The pain that you feel inside does not become less because you have more external things. And then what did you do after you decided not to call the hotline?

Kristy Yee: 42:54

I think I went for a drive. For a really long time and, uh, played sad music. And I cried in my car and I had many days when I just drove and cried. throughout this whole time, there are, there are days when it felt like it was bearable. There are days when I think maybe I can go back to a work like I'm trajectory going upwards. I'm not, I'm not fully there yet, but I'm heading towards there. And then there will be days when I just fall right back down. And those are the most disappointing days because it felt like I was doing well. And I was able to, you know, cook food, food, or like shower. And then the next day it would just be like, and I would say that was probably the hardest, this part was going up and down and riding that roller coaster because in the past, my experience was you progressively decline until you're in this like nasty, nasty pit. And hopefully if you ever get to that nasty pit, you have some resources, friends, family, therapists, whatever, to help you out of it. And eventually when you get out of it, you slowly climbed back up. And to me, that's what depression is like. There's just this illness and sometimes you will slip and fall and it has nothing to do with you as a person. It's just your illness relapsing. And that's what I'm used to, what I wasn't used to was climbing up and then falling back down and climb it up and falling back down. And I'm like, fuck, I'm tired of this. And that's where I still am right now. There's no ending to this story. And that's what the series is about. It's an update of where we are in our current moment and I am still off work and I I am trajectory upwards is how I feel like, but I have fallen down so many times now that I'm kind of not holding too much hope. I don't want to be pessimistic about it cause that's not going to do me any good either, but I'm not going to hold so much. I don't know. Emotional asset to me going back up, you know, so I'm just gonna let, let it happen. Like I'm trying to feel neutral about it, you know, I'm just going to be like, okay, I feel good right now. I'm just going to be happy that today feels like a seven out of 10, because today it feels like a seven out of 10. And in my like, really shit is probably like a two out of 10. Right. And my average was like three to four out of 10 in the last week. I've probably been around anywhere from six to seven out of 10 on average. And I'm feeling good about it. And let's just not put expectation on where I'm going to be tomorrow or the next day. Let's just feel good about that today. I'm a seven out of 10 and that's something that I have just learn right now.

Angie Yu: 45:58

I was going to say, like, that sounds like something, you just had an epiphany. And, and I think a lot of times, like, I don't know, I don't know if this is how you are, but sometimes when I'm feeling depressed and I think I felt, felt better. And then I just come back down it's because I'm forcing myself to go up and it's not going to work. You force yourself, but you're just gonna, the depression is the pull you down. Cause they're like, ha, I'm not gone yet.

Kristy Yee: 46:22

Yeah, I'm still here.

Angie Yu: 46:24

Nice try bitch, but I'm not gone yet. so then no matter how hard you try to like run away, it just kind of like pulls you back. But if you just Let it do its thing, you know, don't let it take over your life. But if you have to make changes in your life so that you can kind of let it do its thing and let us slowly dissipate then. Okay. And of course, like you said, everybody handles their depression differently. And it's just really about, especially if it's an ongoing thing, it's just about recognizing those symptoms and you're going to have epiphanies is every time, You're never going to be, it's not like, Hey, in two years, I'm going to be an expert on I managing my own depression. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 47:04

I do want to say, like for anybody, for our listeners, if you've, if you've ever been through suicidal ideations or if you're, if you're feeling that right now, even, yeah, I know I didn't call the number, but the number is there for you. And I was, I wasn't afraid to tell other people about it. Like I told my boss, I'm like, yo, I'm thinking about killing myself, but didn't say it like that. But

Angie Yu: 47:30

yeah.

Kristy Yee: 47:31

and then I told my therapist and I told my doctor, and it doesn't matter really how they respond.

Angie Yu: 47:40

you're being honest with yourself.

Kristy Yee: 47:42

And you also know that that is not where you want to be. Even though your mind tells you otherwise, right? Because this is the only option, but you're like, I don't want to feel this way. And, and me telling other people not only made me feel a little bit more liberated, but it opened up opportunities for other people to also help me as well. The thing is, don't just expect them to help you. Like, don't just be like, I'm going to tell everybody, and they're all going to be here to support me. Some people can do that. And some people don't have the capacity for that. So don't put the expectation, but you know, again, it's feeling neutral about it, right? Not feeling ashamed to not tell anybody don't be ashamed. Just tell people it, it helps normalize it. It doesn't make it okay. But it helps normalize it.

Angie Yu: 48:30

Yeah. And if you're ashamed, it's also okay. Because we grew up in a society that shames this concept. So, if you are ashamed right now, like know that it's okay to be ashamed, but that you will find a way to not be ashamed because it has to start with you. Right? Like the reason why you're ashamed is because society tells you, you should be ashamed and you should be like, fuck society. And I think one other point, sorry, just before you go on is I think one other positive, or maybe not positive because I don't want to label things positive and negative, but one other thing that's helpful to admitting that you are suicidal or that you have suicide ideation. Ideation. I can never pronounce that word. I D E a T I O N

Kristy Yee: 49:19

That makes it worse for me. That means I have to put it together in my head.

Ep 27 - Kristy - June 2021: 49:26

Fuck

Angie Yu: 49:26

Sorry. Suicide ideation is That You when you're admitting it, you're not just admitting your thoughts, but you're also admitting your pain. You're vocalizing your pain and you're validating it,

Kristy Yee: 49:40

Yeah. Own it.

Angie Yu: 49:41

owning that you feel painful. And a lot of people who have gone through this will say that, Hey, it's not like I wanted to end my life. There were still a lot of things in my life that I absolutely loved and would not want to give up. But the pain of how I felt was so excruciating and it just trumped everything else that it felt like just to get rid of that pain was worth losing everything else in my life. But I remember saying this to my therapist, I was like good things. Don't last. And she was like, well, neither do bad things. Nothing is permanent, including things that you think are bad. And I was like, oh, damn. Yeah. The whole idea of suicidal ideation is just that, like, it's okay to feel this way. And just because it's okay. Or just because it's happened to other people does not reduce your own experience. So I think for me, one of the things that made me hesitant to talk about it, it's like, well, I'm sure I'm not the only person going through this, so why should I make a big deal of it? But it's your life. It's your mental health. You have to be your own advocate.

Kristy Yee: 51:13

I was talking about sharing it and not have expectations from people, Sometimes there are people are going to come and help support you and you would not have expected it either. And if you didn't share, then you wouldn't have been able to get that? help and support. A friend of mine had reached out and I don't, I'm trying to remember. I see a lot of things about like, when you're in serious pit of depression, things just get woozy. I don't think they knew that I was in a depressive phase, but it was just like a, Hey, how's it going? Kind of a thing. And I told them what's up and. they told me about this place in Vancouver. that's affiliated with the hospital, but basically like a mental health assessment type thing. And then provide you or guide you to all the appropriate resources that is in the area and I, would've never known about this place. Had I not told this person what I was going through and they found this resource for me. And what's really interesting is that even though it's, this center is supported by our local health authority and it's affiliated with the hospital. I asked my therapist and my family physician about the center, And neither of them knew about this resource.

Angie Yu: 52:34

wow. Yeah, because even the experts are, they're not perfect. Sorry. and what was this resource. called again?

Kristy Yee: 52:40

it's called access and assessment At the Joseph and Rosa sequel family center, which is a new mental health center at Vancouver general hospital.

Angie Yu: 52:49

Oh, okay.

Kristy Yee: 52:50

It's not 24 seven, but it's till like 11:00 AM PM, like 7:00 AM to 11:00 PM. And, and they do walk ins. They do phone calls cause it's COVID and yeah, so you might be surprised by who be there to support you and provide you re resources. but you know, as long as we are able to open up, it's mostly for you and not have other expectations from others.

Angie Yu: 53:20

It was a bit sobering, like hearing you really go into the details. Like I knew that you were in a really dark pit, I think hearing you share that there was definitely a moment where I started tearing up a little bit because like, yeah, like for me, like, like I can sympathize with a lot of things you said, but I can also empathize with that pain as well. And it's just, it's so hard to describe what that pain feels like to someone who hasn't gone through it. And then to people who have gone through a right away, they know exactly what you're talking about. It's just that deep guttural feeling of pain.

Kristy Yee: 54:02

Yeah. And it's not where you want to be. It's it's, it's like, you know, this is part of your illness and when it comes to the point where you're like, oh my God, I'm thinking about suicide. Okay. Yeah, definitely, definitely reach for some more help. I still just don't want to be this person, you know? And, and sometimes it's hard to separate the illness and the person and the illness makes you have all these other thoughts that you don't agree with, which sounds kind of like two voices in your head. And, you know, that's sounds like you were crazy, but it makes it so much more confusing and difficult to work through when you cannot tell sometimes what is the depression and what is me. And then when you can tell, and you're like, oh fuck, this is just the depression. Like I'm gonna, you know, I mean, I take care of myself, I'm gonna do what I'm going to allow myself to feel all these things with the help of support and therapy and go through these motions. But I still don't, I don't want to be here because I'm behaving like a person that I don't identify with. and that itself can be so exhausting. And that's where I'm at right now, because it's been two fucking months. Now I've been off work for, I don't know, four or five weeks in total. It's been two months ish because I spent the first three weeks, like going through this without taking off work timeline, it's all really messed up. but I feel like even though there's been good days and there are not so good days referring back to that rollercoaster on average, I don't feel like I have gone anywhere and I'm getting really impatient with myself. And although two months for some people might seem like a long time for some people it's like no time at all, I think I'm being really hard on myself and putting on a lot of expectations on myself because I'm someone who's really, really driven by productivity and Angie knows this because that's how we operate inside the podcast. Angie's the creative one. I am like the go, go, go. We're going to do ABCD EFG. And then we're going to move on to our list number. We

Angie Yu: 56:22

is number three, item number 17.3. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 56:29

right? So that's, that's how I operate. And maybe I need to learn to like, let go of some of these things. That's going to be a long-term thing for me. I can just let go right now. It's part of how I work in the podcast is how I work in my professional setting. It's just, and for someone who is so productivity driven and I'm not seeing results. It's driving me crazy.

Angie Yu: 56:53

because you see productivity as your identity.

Kristy Yee: 56:57

Yes,

Angie Yu: 56:58

So now you feel like,

Kristy Yee: 57:00

value.

Angie Yu: 57:01

but, but it shouldn't your value as a human being lies beyond your product, which, you know, like, you know, all of this, but like, it's different, like you've told, you said the exact same advice to me, and I know exactly what you mean. Like, you know, and like I say, this stuff to you, but when I'm in my pit, I'm like, there's the whole, not a pit. This is a whole, not a pit. And I try to deny myself of what I'm feeling. So, yeah. Yeah. But I get it. It must be really hard to be like, oh, this is who I am. And right now I don't even know who I am because the thing that gives me meaning in life and thing that gives me value in life. I can't even begin to think about how to be productive again. But Hey, I'm going to say something. I'm going to call a Dalai Lama. You are a human being, not a human doing. Isn't that cute? That like Dalai Lama actually said that

Kristy Yee: 57:53

I like that you described it as cute.

Angie Yu: 57:55

it is cute.

Kristy Yee: 57:56

How do we wrap up fuck

Angie Yu: 58:00

Well, we can't really wrap up. Right. This,

Kristy Yee: 58:02

in next time?

Angie Yu: 58:07

the story doesn't end here.

Kristy Yee: 58:09

See what's up with our lives in our next episode of our shit, everybody.

Angie Yu: 58:15

says Kristy ashy pours her tea.

Kristy Yee: 58:17

No,

Angie Yu: 58:18

which mug do you have? Is that the Starbucks one?

Kristy Yee: 58:20

of course. This is the Guangzhou

Angie Yu: 58:23

My God. That's so funny. Cause I have the Shanghai one right now.

Kristy Yee: 58:26

Oh, excellent. I love these mugs because every time I open up my mug cabinet, I'm like, where in the world do I want to be right now? And this is one of the two ways that I can travel since COVID is choosing my Starbucks mug. And the other thing is seeing which country I want to go to on my VPN

Angie Yu: 58:49

that's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Kristy Yee: 58:52

right now. I'm in Switzerland. Anyways, this is not how we want it to wrap up.

Angie Yu: 58:58

no, we're avoiding the hard part. I can't, how should we wrap up? Well, this was a very, I don't want to say heavy because I think that does put some stigma onto it, but it's definitely not a light subject.

Kristy Yee: 59:15

I think it's okay to call it heavy. I mean, it is, it is tough. Like it's tough for me. And it's probably tough for anybody who could relate. And it's also tough for people who have no fucking idea what it's like to have suicidal ideations or depression. So it's probably tough for them to hear too. But even though it's tough and it's heavy doesn't mean we need to avoid it.

Angie Yu: 59:36

And because it is heavy and you can't bear the load on your own, that's what your support system is for. But, um, you go. Boom.

Kristy Yee: 59:46

I like our own sound effects better than the ones that, you know, we could add.

Angie Yu: 59:56

Cause that's a joke thing. And what I said was not a joke at all. I guess I was joking as in like, Hey, that was a pretty good way to end it, but yeah, like, you know, analogies and stuff.

Kristy Yee: 1:00:07

this is a series just tune in next time

Angie Yu: 1:00:09

yeah. Today, next time

Kristy Yee: 1:00:11

and we'll see what's up, whether it's my journey or Angie's because we spent the entire episode. Talk about me maybe next time. We'll talk a little bit about Angie maybe we'll talk a little bit about both who knows, because our shit is just about where we are at in our current moment.

Angie Yu: 1:00:26

With that said, if there are topics that you guys are interested in, like how to, you know, we always talk about how to reach out for help and stuff like that. But if there's something specific like, Hey, what questions do I need to ask my healthcare providers? Or like, what should I share? Which like, you know, stuff like that. And like, where should I even start? let us know, and we'll try our best to share our experiences and to share what we know.

Kristy Yee: 1:00:50

okay. That's it? Peace.

Angie Yu: 1:00:53

You know, what's funny. We used to say, okay, bye

Kristy Yee: 1:00:55

yeah,

Angie Yu: 1:00:56

peace.

Kristy Yee: 1:01:00

we have to change it up. Okay. This is season two now.

Angie Yu: 1:01:02

true. That's true.

Kristy Yee: 1:01:03

All right, bye. Yeah.

Angie Yu: 1:01:09

Oh boy. That's a wrap, not

Kristy Yee: 1:01:13

Okay.

Angie Yu: 1:01:14

for Milan, not a doctor