31. Our Shit: Parenting Guilt and Living For Our Own Happiness

Kristy and Angie are back for a new season and they update everyone on what has been going on in their lives. Angie talks about (puppy) parenting guilt and Kristy talks about living her new life in another city. Angie reflects on a childhood incident that had impacted her deeply. Kristy reflects on pursuing an experience for herself and not for filial piety obligations. 

**Content warning: Death, childhood trauma

Takeaway:

• We begin to understand our parents more when we step into parental roles
• We are not responsible for the happiness of our parents and vice versa
• Being forced to bring joy to the rest of the family suppresses other emotions and we end up equating our value with displaying feel good emotions
• Emotional boundaries and codependency are a two way street and sometimes we forget that we also hold back our parents from living their best life
• Drawing boundaries with your parents will not dissolve your relationship with them, and might make it even better

Mentions & Resources:

• Coping Parent Guilt
• Mom Guilt: Causes & 10 Tips for Overcoming
• Sew Koo: Scrunchies and masks by Natalie Koo

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Transcript

Angie Yu: 0:00

The light behind you. Your ceiling light looks like a nipple.

Kristy Yee: 0:04

Oh, oh. It is one of those boop Nepal lights.

Angie Yu: 0:34

Welcome back to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom, this is.

Kristy Yee: 0:37

This is Christie.

Angie Yu: 0:39

So today we are going to be talking about our new life events. If you are a follower on Instagram, you'll see that there are two big changes in Christina and I's life

Kristy Yee: 0:52

wait, hold up. Welcome back to season three.

Angie Yu: 0:55

Oh yeah. Welcome back to season three. This episode will be released on October 3rd, which is,

Kristy Yee: 1:02

we need to say that.

Angie Yu: 1:03

Yeah. But it's mean girls day.

Kristy Yee: 1:05

Oh, okay. Go

Angie Yu: 1:07

girls day. Like, you know?

Kristy Yee: 1:08

3rd.

Angie Yu: 1:10

Classic. That's how, you know, if you're a millennial is

Kristy Yee: 1:14

When you can recite the movie by going through your brain files. Although, if you watch it now, it feels mighty problematic in many areas like friends.

Angie Yu: 1:24

I definitely remember watching certain episodes and I'm like, Ooh, that would not fly.

Kristy Yee: 1:30

Okay. So today's episode, it's another episode of our shit, which means we're going to update each other and update you guys on what has been going on with our lives and how we are managing our mental health. So what's going on with you?

Angie Yu: 1:49

Well, I got a puppy.

Kristy Yee: 1:51

You became a.

Angie Yu: 1:52

I became a mom, I got a puppy a month and a half ago. It was right at the beginning of the, one of the busiest time during work as well. So. Yeah. It's, it's been so much work.

Kristy Yee: 2:06

You don't sound very excited about it.

Angie Yu: 2:09

Okay. I love her. Uh, but I don't know if I like her yet. It's a lot of responsibilities. It's the first time in my life that I'm responsible for another living being, oh, we know I had a hamster.

Kristy Yee: 2:22

Okay, well, that counts, but that's how I'm feeling now that I bought myself a plant that's that's

Angie Yu: 2:29

Yeah. Yeah. You know, they say that, plants are the new pets. are the new babies and babies are exotic animals because you gotta be rich and a little bit of crazy to get one.

Kristy Yee: 2:43

yep. I'm totally in with that. I know my plant is not going to be the same as having a puppy, but I, I see what you mean by like, I look at this organism and I'm thinking, wow, it's life depends on me and I can kill it. If I don't have my shit together.

Angie Yu: 3:04

it holds you responsible. Like I have to have my shit together. I have to have a routine. Like you have to water your plant every whatever day it is. I totally get it.

Kristy Yee: 3:15

Okay, you unconditionally love her. Like that came out very confident when you said that, but then you're like, Hmm, but I'm not, I don't, I don't like her yet. And that reminds me of something that you had once said about our moms. You said that our moms love us unconditionally. Like it's no questions asked, but sometimes our moms might not like.

Angie Yu: 3:39

exactly. And my mom is really, really enjoying the struggles I'm going through with my puppy, because I can start seeing things from her perspective. And so she's like overjoyed and, and I remember her saying that to me when I was a teenager too. I would complain about her, for example, her overbearing newness or how she worries a lot. And she'll be like, you know what, one day when you're a mom, you'll understand. And she used to say that a lot and yeah, it's, it's not a baby. So compared to a baby, obviously a puppy is completely different. although not that different, but I don't know if I can say that because I don't have a baby. So I definitely already am seeing a lot of things from her perspective.

Kristy Yee: 4:23

sometimes I think. A lot of moms will say that like, Ugh, you'll, you'll understand one day when you become a mother yourself, you know, I think they are. I say they, and I know this is a blanket statement. I think they are saying that low key because they cannot wait to see us going through the same struggle and then just lowing about it. Just like laughing out loud, rolling on the floor. Like now you get a taste of what I had struggled with. Ha ha sucks for you. I'm going to be the cool grandma. That's actually why our parents want us to have kids so that we can experience the same pain.

Angie Yu: 5:06

Yeah. It's not that they want grandchildren bad badly because they want to pass down family name. No, no, no. It's because they want us to suffer just like they did.

Kristy Yee: 5:15

Yep, exactly.

Angie Yu: 5:16

Yep. And I think my mom is thrilled. Like my mom loves my dog. She will message me pretty much every day and ask me, how's Evie doing? How's he doing? Is she doing okay? She'll just ask for updates and it's, it's quite adorable.

Kristy Yee: 5:32

This is a glimpse of what it's going to be like when you have a child, if you have a child

Angie Yu: 5:37

Yeah. And that's the case for myself. And that's also the case for my boyfriend. And that's also the case for my mom as well. Like starting to see, what the dynamic might look like. Right. And my best friend she, so I told her, I was like, man, having Evie is making me really, really questioned whether I want to have a baby or not like, is really, really making me question that. Cause obviously a baby is like, I don't know. I don't want to

Kristy Yee: 6:07

times more responsibility and for the rest of your life.

Angie Yu: 6:11

Exactly. And like, you really don't want to mess them up. Right. puppies. There is obviously a lot of responsibilities for them, but they reach a certain, their brains only developed to a certain stage. Right. So I saying that to her and she's like, I will say that out of all the creatures I've babysat. So she has a big family. So she's babysat babies on her own toddlers kids, teenagers, and puppies, her sister's new puppy. She says that out of all the above the puppy was the hardest to babysit because they bite and you don't know what they want and they don't have diapers. So you're running around cleaning them their pee and making sure that they don't poop in the house. So it's like a little bit, it's a little bit more difficult as in like the cleanliness part of it. And also there's so much more mobile, so they can just. Zoom away and you'll be like, oh my God, I need to chase it. You know, whereas baby, they don't move

Kristy Yee: 7:13

only zoom so far.

Angie Yu: 7:14

And then they're going to fall down. Cause they're so top heavy. so it's a different kind of difficulty.

Kristy Yee: 7:19

How are you feeling now, now that you are, what is a one and a half months in

Angie Yu: 7:24

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 7:25

of motherhood? Has this, has this changed you as a person?

Angie Yu: 7:30

Yeah. I think no, not changed me as a person, but it has changed my outlook on certain things. I don't really know how to say it. I think like at the beginning I kept questioning whether or not I made the right decision. There were sleepless nights where I'm like oh my God, why did I do this to myself? It's like, it comes from a very like selfish perspective. Like why did I do this to myself? I've lost, so much of my free time. I can't just do whatever I want whenever I want, I need to think about this. Like other thing in my life. And I really made me question like, do I actually regret that decision? So I really, really questioned it for the first couple of weeks. Like, oh my God, maybe I should just give her to my mom since my mom loves her so much. I said that a lot, like to myself in my head. and I didn't really communicate that with my boyfriend because it was my decision to get the puppy. So I didn't want to make it seem like I made a mistake and it's my own fault, et cetera, et cetera. And I was getting impatient with her. I remember like yelling, not at her, but just like yelling in the general vicinity, being frustrated and just like, ah, like wanting to pull my hair. I think a lot of that frustration, I was like, oh, but am I acting like this? Because I'm frustrated or am I acting like this? Because the lack of sleep is triggering some of my bipolar symptoms and I'm getting really temperamental and really irritable because of that, because that's like the onset of mania is where you're just like really irritable and you just like, cannot control your temper. So I felt that, and I was like, man, what if like, even with a puppy, I can't really get a hold at managing my symptoms of bipolar. How am I going to do that with a baby? Especially since I'll have so much hormones, they're going to be all over the place. Like what if like the baby makes me so frustrated that I just become a horrible mother. So there were all these thoughts going through my head. And I even remember, I like cried one day when I broke down, my boyfriend went out on a very, like much deserved boys night out I had a really good day with Evie, but then in the evening she started getting like really rowdy and puppies are very much like toddlers. Like they get tired and they, they don't know that they're tired. So then they just run around. They act out and I was getting so frustrated because she would just not calm down. And I, and she would just talk everything. She was biting me. And I just like broke down. I was like sobbing so hard. And I think a lot of it also came from a partial, like abandonment. Because he was out having fun. Whereas I was at home dealing with this little menace. I felt abandoned as well. So I had a mental breakdown. Well, not a mental, yeah, a little bit like emotional breakdown definitely broke down and I was sobbing and I don't remember sobbing that hard in awhile. and I look over and she's just like in the corner playing with her toys and I'm like, oh my gosh, she doesn't even care that I'm like, You know what I mean? Because she doesn't have that type of empathy. Yeah. Like dogs are known for their empathy, but as a puppy they're not really developed. So I was just like, what am I doing? Like my life is ruined. This sucks. Like this really sucks. And obviously the next day after I've had a good night's sleep. Well, good nights, same as a little bit of an overstatement, but after I've had some sleep and then in the morning I told my boyfriend and I'm like, ah, sometimes I think I'm like a bad dog mom, because I can't get her to calm down. I can't get her to just like, do what we want her to do. Like, am I not doing the right training? Like, what am I doing wrong basically? And it made me feel like a failure. And it made me question, well, if I can't even succeed in raising a puppy, how the hell am I going to raise a person? How am I going to not fuck up a person? and just like, how am I going to be a good mom? Do I even know how to be a good mom? So these are all the thoughts that were running through my head. during those couple of weeks, when I was, when things were very. Just my mind was all over the place.

Kristy Yee: 12:08

First of all, all I, all I can think about is the similarity, like the parallels between how you're describing Evie with what it would be like to have a baby like this all sounds like new parents, shit. You know, I think every single parent. Has no fucking idea what they're doing. I mean, we have some level of ideas of what responsibility means, because we reached that level of adulthood. We are like, I don't know, level three in adulthood, we got a badge. Right.

Angie Yu: 12:37

Yeah. yeah Level three. awkward laughter

Kristy Yee: 12:41

But we still don't. We have no fucking idea. Every single parent are going to question themselves if they are being a good parent, because we want to be good parents, whether that's because we unconditionally love this organism B maybe it's coming from a place where we didn't have good parents growing up. It could be coming from a whole plethora of different things. But the similarity is, we're all scared. We're all scared. We're going to fuck up and be a failure and not deserve to be the role that you are.

Angie Yu: 13:13

Yeah. And I think that is where my mind is that when I think about the future, me having a child is like, I'm going to fuck them up with a dog. I think that's when things become very different because like she doesn't need to integrate into a society. I think for her, it's more like, what if she's ill behaved for the rest of her life? That's like 10 to 15 years of me having to put up with this. Like, what if I can't do. And it's just me questioning myself. Like, am I stupid? Like, why the fuck did I do this to myself? So it comes from like a much more selfish perspective with, with dogs, I would say like, I think that's where differences between a child and a dog really diverges.

Kristy Yee: 13:55

so like, it sounds like. The fear of fucking up is the same. But with the dog, you're like, if it fucks up, I'm going to have to deal with the consequences. Like how is it going to fuck me up in my life? If my dog is fucked up. Whereas if a child is fucked up, it's like, oh my gosh, I don't want to fuck up their rest of their lives. I don't want to make it hard for them. It comes from a place where you are like only thinking about the child, whereas here you're like, how is this going to impact me? And I think that's totally okay. You know, we in society and in culture, we kind of shame when we think about ourselves, we shame the idea of what even the word selfish has a negative connotation around it. And I think depending on the context, if you are, if you're, you know, making decisions, that's going to hurt other people for the benefit of just you. I think that's not a great thing. But I think if you're thinking about your own wellbeing without hurting other people or other things, then I think that is, this is more of a self care thing, you know? And I think it's a good thing that you're thinking about how is this, how is this going to impact me? Cause you're not just like, it's not like you want to fuck up your dog. Okay. You're not in a place of malice.

Angie Yu: 15:21

Well, sometimes I want to pick her up and throw her off the balcony. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joking. Of course. I don't want to do that. yeah,

Kristy Yee: 15:31

I might, I might think there was things. that make me a bad person? I don't know. I don't know.

Angie Yu: 15:37

like I, I think about it, but I'm like, oh, that's silly. Right? Well, I can joke about

Kristy Yee: 15:42

Like we wouldn't do it.

Angie Yu: 15:44

And I think that's that. I think a lot of people think that if they have bad thoughts and they're a bad person, but I think the difference is whether or not you carry out those actions. yeah. Yeah. So one thing you pointed out is like, Children. Like, what I had said was like, oh, I'm scared of like fucking their life up, but then you mentioned it and I'm like, wait a minute. But if I fuck up my child, my life is also still fucked up. Cause then I had to deal with their shit for the rest of my life. Not just the rest of their life. Like with the dog, you have to deal with it for the rest of their life for a child. Usually like knock on wood. Like, you know, like the Chinese thing while you don't want a white hair to send black hair off. Yeah. Like with a child, like if you fuck them up, then you have to deal with it for the rest of your life. so yeah, overall it's just, I guess it's really not that big of a deal in that I say it's like, that's just life. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 16:45

Therapy session done.

Angie Yu: 16:48

And there's, and I remember there's the saying that my mom told me a while ago. It's like a Chinese thing where it's. Approximately translated to cause this is probably not the best translation, but doing it on the spot. It's like, if you spoil your children, then you're going to spend the rest of your life, raising their children. If you raised your children properly, then you can spend the rest of your life, spoiling their children.

Kristy Yee: 17:18

I'm sorry, come again.

Angie Yu: 17:20

So, so let's say, yeah, let's say you're a mom and you spoil your daughter, then she's going to be spoiled. And when she has kids, you're going to have to raise them because she's not going to do her. She's going to be spoiled and she's going to need a lot of your help. She's going to be really needy. And she might not be, as you know, like this is saying like, so you're going to have to raise her children. So you're going to be spending your whole life. Like, it's not going to be very fun, but if you raise your children right, then you can spoil their children. As in you can be the cool grandma who gets to play with them and spoil them.

Kristy Yee: 17:54

I, I agree with that, but I also feel like that statement puts a lot of fucking pressure on new parents.

Angie Yu: 18:03

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 18:04

'cause now it's like, well, this is, I don't want to say investment, but this is going to impact how I'm going to. Live my life with my grandchildren. You know, it's like, there's so much at stake is what I'm saying.

Angie Yu: 18:22

yeah,

Kristy Yee: 18:22

And that's a lot of fucking pressure, man. I'm going to, I'm going to again, bring back the whole children and dog and an allergy and parallelism. You mentioned, it was really well behaved when there's other people around, when she's in social situations, et cetera. And then only misbehave when she's around mom,

Angie Yu: 18:50

Yes.

Kristy Yee: 18:51

just kinda leave that hanging there.

Angie Yu: 18:53

Y

Kristy Yee: 18:54

What do, I mean,

Angie Yu: 18:56

you mean, that's how all of us are?

Kristy Yee: 19:06

what do you make of that?

Angie Yu: 19:08

Well, I just, the way it is, and I'm like, okay, so like now I'm focusing more on like, okay, I'm gonna separate the out the good and the bad. And in those moments where she's doing something that I like, and it's good, I'm just going to do more of that. Then, then that way, the amount of joy to sorrow

Kristy Yee: 19:28

Oh, my.

Angie Yu: 19:29

will start to skew towards joy. You know what I mean? Like that's all I can do with her is to do more things with her. Make the life, her more and that I enjoy as well. And that way all the other shit will be worth it. And I think this is like the first time where I'm starting to see that the good is starting to outweigh the bad.

Kristy Yee: 19:52

this is also where I'm going to like stop the parallelism between a baby and a dog. Because I think like with the dog, you can do these things and be like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm only going to do the things that, you know, make me like you, you know, whereas whereas our baby, you're gonna want to make sure that your child also wants to do those things with you as well, and not try to make their life about the moms joy.

Angie Yu: 20:19

Yeah. And that's why I said like this is going to come off really selfish. And that's really funny because I remember, when this was actually not that long ago, probably earlier this year. I think I said something to my mom that was very like, made her unhappy, but it was very true. And I can't remember what happened, but then my mom went home and told my dad about it. And my dad was like, if that's the case, then you should get a pet. You didn't give birth to a baby, to you to have like, to use them as a pet. Basically.

Kristy Yee: 20:55

Yeah. I think you, you mentioned this, in the last episode as well, like what your dad had said about,

Angie Yu: 21:00

Yeah. And now it's like really true, like very applicable.

Kristy Yee: 21:05

Because now you have a pet.

Angie Yu: 21:07

Yeah. So it's completely different. Like I, then I think that's where a lot of. bad parenting come form comes from is when the parents start treating their babies like a pet.

Kristy Yee: 21:15

and also when the parents feel like, and this could be subconscious as well, that their child's decisions, their child's life decisions should be based on the parents' happiness.

Angie Yu: 21:30

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 21:31

And that makes it really difficult because we internalize that as well as kids, right. Because we want to make our parents happy. We choose to do ABC. We choose to, I don't know, go to school, get good grades, whatever. Right? Like we, we do a lot of things because it's what we were taught to do, but it's also what makes our parents happy without really thinking about what actually. Us happy. And the other day I was just having conversation with my mom and I don't even remember what the actual context was, but what stuck with me was she was saying how she's so happy that I am now going into grad school. And she's proud that I have, you know, become this independent adult and that she doesn't have to worry about me and blah-blah-blah. And so she's saying all these great things, right. But then she said something that alluded to how I'm doing all these things for her happy. And I'm like, I'm like, hold up

Angie Yu: 22:40

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 22:43

and on the spot. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I do these things. Not for you. I didn't go to grad school so that you can feel good about yourself. As a mother, I'm going to grad school for me. I moved to Toronto, not to show you that I'm a capable adult, that you have raised a capable adult. I did it because I want to move to a different city and I want to live this new life. It's not about my decisions are not to make you happy and not to validate you as a mother. If you feel happy for me. And if you are proud, that's great. We can, we can all, like I was going to say hug, but then I reframe, but we can all celebrate that together. And that's great. But my life is not about making you feel good about yourself.

Angie Yu: 23:36

That's right. That's absolutely true.

Kristy Yee: 23:48

It is time for feel good feedback. Okay. It is time and it's time for feel good for you.

Angie Yu: 23:55

So today's comment. I'm going to be reading a DM from Natalie and Natalie actually went to high school with Christie and I, so none of these. Big heart. I've been telling everyone to listen. Ha I'm so sorry about all the shit I and other people put you through in high school. Fuck. I honestly just wished I was a better person. I was definitely fighting my own battles and fail to see other people fighting theirs too. I'm sorry, man. Can't wait to hear more of what you guys had to say. Smiley face. Definitely hitting topics. I can relate to thought I was the only one going through it all, but surprise. Nope. Just not one talks about just not one talks about it, but now you are. Oh, just no one talks about it, but now you are. Thank you her heart. Thank you, Natalie. And no, no need to apologize. Like, yeah, like you said, everyone was fighting their own battles in high school and it's not something you were doing on purpose. So we appreciate the acknowledgement, but yeah, don't feel bad.

Kristy Yee: 24:52

I don't even remember what Nat you're talking about, about what should happen in

Angie Yu: 24:58

Yeah, me neither. And I don't.

Kristy Yee: 25:00

it's, it's whatevs, but I do appreciate that you had reached out and gave the apology anyways, and we're like, we don't know what you're talking about,

Angie Yu: 25:09

don't know what you're talking about either.

Kristy Yee: 25:11

but we really appreciate that you have been such a great supporter of the show and spreading our love around that sounded so weird that you have been a great supporter of the show. And I know you've been listening to a lot of our episodes and you are also an advocator for mental health as well. know, a lot of things coming from your Instagram. So thank you for being a fellow advocate and thank you again for listening. Oh. Also not makes these scrunchies, which is super dope. We should link that.

Angie Yu: 25:46

Yeah, we should. And she makes masks as well. And if you want to send us a feel good feedback, please do

Kristy Yee: 26:03

because we like it. It makes us feel good.

Angie Yu: 26:05

Yeah. It brings us joy and send us a DM, send us a email if you want to. I shit, we don't tell mom@gmail.com or send us an audio message because then that way, instead of us reading it, we can just play your message,

Kristy Yee: 26:20

look forward to hearing some more feel good feedbacks from y'all's

Angie Yu: 26:28

Back to earlier, back to that common, how like plants or the new pets and pets are the new babies. They're not the new babies. So I want to go back and just retract that statement. The statement's hilarious, obviously, like for it obviously oversimplifies things and it's very reductionist, but like, you know, babies are not pets and pets are not babies and you have to be able to make that distinction. Same thing with like pets, like yeah, she's here mostly for companionship and just, you know, adding a general joy to the, to the family dynamics, but she's also still a dog and I need to discipline. And she needs to be happy too. Like I'm not just gonna do whatever I want to make sure she's making me happy. Like, oh yeah. Like I kind of want to put her in like booties, like little short, like little shoes on her feet so that she doesn't get my apartment dirty, but that's not something that she might like, like she might not like that. So I'm not going to force that on her. You know what I mean? Cause she's still like a living being and not doll, but yeah. So that's pretty much where the analogies and because yeah, you shouldn't treat your baby like a pet and your pet isn't really like a baby. Also the whole joy thing, it just reminded me of something. One of my therapy sessions, it was one of the very good ones, you know, sometimes you just have a really good session. I was telling my therapist about how, when I was like three and a half years old, my older cousin who was seven, was hit by a car and passed away. And immediately my grandma went into the city and picked me up from daycare without asking my mom and took me back to the countryside and her explanation to my mom. And my dad was that everyone in this house now is really depressed from losing their little girl, my cousin, that they need someone around to provide some joy, which was me. And I was telling part of the story, like I was telling her about how, like, I don't remember that much from my childhood was some of the key memories I have are all were all very traumatic. And one of them being this, because I remember the next day I was walking down the stairs and my aunt was holding my hand because she was so sad that I was there to provide some sort of sor some sort of relief for her sorrow. So she was holding my hand. We were walking down the stairs into like the living room area. And in the living room was my cousin's corpse.'cause that's like how Chinese funerals in the countries that were done, like everyone says goodbye to her. And then they carry her like coffin around the village and it's whole thing. And then it carry her to her burial site or the crematorium or whatever. So, yeah. So one of my only memories of my cousin is her corpse on this like platform, table kind of thing in like a box, because she was going to get cremated. So it wasn't in a coffin. It wasn't like a cardboard. But that's one of my first memories and that's very traumatic. And I was telling my therapist about that and she's like, well, how does it make you feel that you were quote unquote, like brought back to the countryside away from your mom to, to like, how did that make you feel? And I was like, well, it's kind of weird to just take me, like, like, why would you just like, take me away from my mom? Like, you don't know my mom, like, why are you making decisions for my mom and for me kind of thing. And she's like, yeah, it must've been really hard to be responsible for all these other people's happiness. And I was like,

Kristy Yee: 30:34

Hm.

Angie Yu: 30:35

yes, that's exactly what it is. And that's so, so common in Chinese culture that I never even questioned it. I just thought it was really weird. Like, I didn't want to be there, but I was there anyway, but yeah, like. Being forced into that role of trying to make everyone happy at such a young age. Like, Hey, that's your response. That's why you're here. It's not because we want to live with you. And we love you. You're here because we want you to make us happy. Like how fucked up is that?

Kristy Yee: 31:07

That's like treating you like a pet it's it's, it's not allowing you to feel any other emotions. It's not allowing you to display or exude any other form of feeling or emotions besides joy, because that's who you are. That's your role. This is your title. This is what you're here for. You're here to bring joy to the rest of the family and you're not allowed to feel anything.

Angie Yu: 31:32

Yeah. And I think that really shaped who I was as like a kid growing up because I never, never even dare to talk about any negative, emotional quote, unquote negative emotions. I was always like, happy go lucky even. Wasn't really feeling that way. Like, you know, the always like suppressing those, any sort of emotion, that's not happiness or joy because at a young age I was given this role and responsibility of being that.

Kristy Yee: 32:02

And that's how you learn that this is what I am valued for so that if, if you do God forbid show any other signs of emotions or feeling sad or being down or feeling angry that your value no longer exists.

Angie Yu: 32:22

that's right. And that's why I've never talked to my parents ever about anything that's bothering me. I always just give them good news.

Kristy Yee: 32:31

And think about how many other people out there, how many of our proof troops have gone through a similar childhood, not the same thing as like, you know, a family member died and like you got brought into the village, but you being, you only being allowed to display happy emotions or feel good emotions or positive emotions. It's like, it's like, you're this ball of positive vibes that is being passed around and you're not allowed to be anything else. And if you are, then you're like, oh my gosh, then I will be unloved. I'm going to be unwanted. I am not a value anymore. How many people carry that with them? And then, and then bring that with them all the way to where wherever you are right now, wherever you're listening from poop

Angie Yu: 33:18

Or bring them with, with them to the next generation, because they expect the same amount of their children. And then it's just the cycle. Right. And that's why people say break the cycle, break the cycle.

Kristy Yee: 33:28

Barf and that's why it's so important for us to actually talk about these things. Right. And, and be okay with having other sorts of feelings, any emotions as well, because you are still a valuable person. You are still loved, even if you're not being feeling joyful all the time or being a joyful person all

Angie Yu: 33:51

Yeah. And just being able to stand your ground to be your own advocate, even if it's against your parents. Like when Christie clarified with her mom, like, hold up, hold up, wait a minute. You are wrong. This is like, you are coming from a completely perspective.

Kristy Yee: 34:16

Yeah. I was like, I'm happy. That you're happy, but that isn't, that is not why I make any of my decisions. It's not big. It's not based on your happiness and it shouldn't be based on your happiness.

Angie Yu: 34:29

exactly.

Kristy Yee: 34:30

And that goes for anybody else, listening as well. You know, like whatever decisions that you make should not be based on other people's happiness, because then you're living your life for another person or peoples, what is the plural people?

Angie Yu: 34:45

For the other people.

Kristy Yee: 34:46

Yeah. For other people. And, and that's going to cause a lot of disconnect between yourself, because then you're not living the genuine life that you want. You're just living lives that other people want for you

Angie Yu: 34:59

Yeah. And, and when you fail at doing that, you fail at being that perfect daughter, perfect son, or whatever it is that other people have placed on you, all of a sudden you feel like you have no value. And then all of a sudden, maybe you feel like your life is worthless and then maybe you feel like, well, what's the point and that's how things can spiral. And that's how I spiraled. And that's when I realized like, fuck this shit. I need to live my best life. Snap, snap, snap. So anyway, my original point was kudos to Christy for standing her ground advocating for herself and just telling us straight to her mom.

Kristy Yee: 35:43

Thank you. Thank you. Speaking of which, so like Angie and I have been recording. Basically not to not together. for majority of our episodes, I would say because we started this podcast in 2020 when the pandemic was like raging and it's still raging.

Angie Yu: 37:05

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 37:06

So we actually fun fact poop trips. We don't always record in the same room together. We actually often record separately in our own places, but now I am recording in a different city.

Angie Yu: 37:23

Yeah. And it's weird because it doesn't feel like Christie is a completely different city. On the other side of the continent.

Kristy Yee: 37:32

Well, I mean, it was not that far away,

Angie Yu: 37:35

It's a seven hour flight. It's

Kristy Yee: 37:37

five hour, five hour.

Angie Yu: 37:38

flight. It's a five-hour flights pretty far away.

Kristy Yee: 37:43

I know it doesn't feel obvious for you. And because you're just looking at me through a screen, like as per year,

Angie Yu: 37:51

And also I'm in the same environment, but for you, you're in a completely different environment. Like you're yeah. Your entire life is currently different.

Kristy Yee: 38:00

I know I quite love it.

Angie Yu: 38:02

Yeah. That's I am so happy for you. Like when you first told me that you were moving, like you got in and you're going to move, I was like, just so happy for you because it's just like, it's overdue. Like you really need that. Freedom away

Kristy Yee: 38:20

needed to do TFO man.

Angie Yu: 38:24

And that's when I started learning independence as well. Like it was when I left for a year, when I left home for a year and went to a very far away place, that physical boundary that you can establish with your overbearing mother is like the ferry important first step to like establishing boundaries period.

Kristy Yee: 38:45

Hmm. So I have a few things to say about that. I'll get, I'll get to that. I'll get to the mom boundary barrier thing, but I want to, I want to talk about how I'm feeling.

Angie Yu: 38:57

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 38:58

have a lot of feelings and

Angie Yu: 39:01

And you know what, they're all valid.

Kristy Yee: 39:03

thank you. Thank you for validating. So a few. Okay. So I moved here during the end of summer, and then I actually went back to Vancouver for. Okay. So I moved here end of summer. And I was here, here in Toronto for about 10 days. And then I went back to Vancouver for another 10 days. So it really didn't feel that. And then now, and then after the 10 days, I came back to Toronto. Now that means I spent like 10 days in Toronto was, and 10 day in Vancouver, you would have think that it's just 10 days it's whatevs, right? Like it doesn't make that much of a difference when I flew and I landed in the Vancouver airport, I always get the same feeling, no matter where I just came from this like sense of home, you know, the sense of comfort flying across all the buildings that I can recognize and smelling our Vancouver air. It feels very comforting. Like I am home and I still got that. However, it, this time it was different because every single time that I would. Back to Vancouver. I would have all of my stuff with me this time. I had just one backpack of like nothingness

Angie Yu: 40:28

Yeah, it was just

Kristy Yee: 40:29

this time, this time I left my electric toothbrush at where my quota I'm going to do air quotes home is, and I brought the spare toothbrush to go to Vancouver. Okay. But it's a different feeling because I now have two homes.

Angie Yu: 40:49

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 40:49

I spent the first 10 days in Toronto setting up my place. Like I didn't go exploring, I didn't really see people. People probably didn't even know that I arrived in Toronto because I was just getting linens and like getting coat hangers and setting up the kitchen and buying pantry staples and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And by the time I finished all of that, I have established a whole. Like I bought these things for me. I got a plant for God's sakes.

Angie Yu: 41:17

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 41:21

I have a living being that I am responsible for in this place called home. So I basically made a nest for myself. And then coming, going back to Vancouver it's yes. I still get that feeling of I'm home, but it's different. I now have two homes and I feel like I'm allowed to do that. I'm allowed to love two places at the same time and love them for different reasons and love them in different ways. And one does not one does not override the other, you know, like my Toronto home is not better than my Vancouver home. The city of Vancouver is not better than Toronto. Like I love them both but differently. And I am allowed to have both. And it's a, it's a brand new feeling that I've never had before.

Angie Yu: 42:10

Yeah. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 42:11

And I don't know how else to explain it.

Angie Yu: 42:13

Just to clarify for those poop troops who live in the U S like, it's very common here in Canada to commute to your university slash college, because a lot of them are in the big cities. And if you live in the big city, then you wouldn't just, you would just live at home and save money. So for a lot of us going away away from home sometimes is doesn't coincide with going to college. So for Christie, this is her first time, really getting away from home home, and she's 30,

Kristy Yee: 42:47

And,

Angie Yu: 42:50

and there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that.

Kristy Yee: 42:52

And the thing is like, when I, when I went into my house, like my Vancouver house, this is what's hilarious. I go to the bathroom, right. So I live with my mom. Mom has her own bathroom. I have my own bathroom. I have the bigger bathroom. Okay. So I go, when I go into my Vancouver home, I go into the bathroom because as one does you need to pee after a five-hour flight? My stuff isn't there anymore. Which makes sense, because most of it is in Toronto, but my mom's stuff is there.

Angie Yu: 43:24

Cue gasp.

Kristy Yee: 43:28

I found it hilarious that she just infiltrated the bathroom and she's like, she is gone. My daughter's gone. I get the big bathroom now. And then I go into like her bathroom. Right. And it's just empty. It's like, it's a guest bathroom. Like her bathroom is the guest bathroom. My bathroom is her bathroom.

Angie Yu: 43:51

That's so funny. There was no like, Hey, I'm going to move my stuff to your bathroom. It's just like surprise.

Kristy Yee: 43:59

It's just like, yo, this is mine. It ain't yours. No more. And the other thing that was surprising, and this happened while I was in Toronto, like the first 10 days I expected that my mum was going to be very overbearing, like messaged me every single, not every single day. That's just like a given, but every single hour asking if I ate, how was the weather? Like all this mom shit. Like, am I wearing enough clothes and making sure I don't wear too much. Cause then I'll get a fever.

Angie Yu: 44:33

'cause. That's how it works.

Kristy Yee: 44:38

for the first like 48 hours, that's exactly what happened. And then it tapered off

Angie Yu: 44:46

Excellent.

Kristy Yee: 44:48

like there was. Just a brief second where I'm like, my mom hasn't messaged me in a few days. I'm like, what is going on? And when she does message me, yeah. She'll still ask like, oh, did you eat dinner and blah, blah, blah. But majority of her messages, like I would say 80% of her messages is her sending me pictures of all the fun that she's having back at home with her friends and all the food that she's making at home.

Angie Yu: 45:20

That's awesome.

Kristy Yee: 45:22

And I'm like, what have I been the one who's holding my mom back this whole time? And I'm like, oh my gosh, I thought I'm the one who's being set free, which I do feel like I am spreading my wings and flying and all shit, but I did not expect that she was going to spread her wings and fly as well. She's sending me pictures of her going to driving ranges. Just never been to a fucking driving range before. I'm like, who are all these people that know how to play golf that you're hanging out with?

Angie Yu: 45:56

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 45:57

And like having dim sum with her friends and, and, and literally like two weeks before I left was the first time she went to a restaurant since COVID happened. And she went to a restaurant because my entire family got together and had like a, like a farewell dinner for me. And that was the only reason she went out to a restaurant and like two weeks later, she's just now out all the time having Dimson with her friends. I'm like, what the fuck? Who are you? Who are you. You know, we talk a lot about communication, having, having boundaries and the benefits of having physical barriers and how that's great for, you know, our relationship with our parents. Most of the time when we were talking about that, we're thinking about that as first-person like, I'm thinking about the benefits for me when I'm having this physical barrier between me and my mom. I'm thinking about me, the benefits for me when I set up boundaries with my mom. But I did not think about all the benefits that the hub, that all the benefits that. Could also experience when there are boundaries and when there is a physical barrier and how much, not only our relationship has improved, but her relationships with other people, because now she has the time and space and emotional capacity to think about herself and foster her own friendships and expand her own social circles and how that has been beneficial for her.

Angie Yu: 47:28

Yeah, actually. Yeah, like, totally. and if, I think if, if more of us thought about it from that perspective, like same thing. When I started creating boundaries with my mom, Really think about it from her perspective. I do think that it would be healthier for her. Like, yeah. Like it would be healthy for you then you don't have to be so anxious about me all the time. You don't

Kristy Yee: 47:49

Yeah. Like, let go, you

Angie Yu: 47:50

Yeah. Like, let go for your own emotional sake. But I, same thing, I didn't think that she would, my mom will start getting into like all of this same thing. Like my mom also went to the driving age range for the first time in her life. She tried tennis. She's been hiking. Like every weekend she went on a fishing boat, she went fishing like it's great. And it's same thing. Like it was something that I never expected. And I think for some of us out there who are still very what's that word? Filial piety oriented, like, Hey, yes, I get that. I need to draw boundaries with my parents, but I also want to be a good daughter, a good son, like. The relationship between you and your parents are not going to dissolve because of those boundaries. It'll probably get better. And it's not just for you, but it's for them as well, because it's like a two-way street. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 48:46

Good point with what you said earlier with, how we used to think of it as, you know, bringing them to baseline basically like trying to calm their anxiety, trying to get them to let go of being so overbearing, trying to get them to a baseline level. But what we didn't think about was how much they could thrive and go beyond the baseline level. We just think about them as always below baseline. Like there it's too much, like they're, they're put, they're putting all of their emotional burdens on us. They're they're being way too anxious and blah-blah-blah, and so, you know, in a place where it's not so great. So we just want them to get back to baseline, but it's, it's pleasantly surprising and also a little bit. I don't know if humbling is the right word, but more like don't think about yourself. Think about like, look at all these great things and how much my mom is thriving because of this. And it also made me realize that like, you know, maybe she was just being so overbearing because that was the role. She felt like she had to play that she kind of forgot about who she was as a human being that, you know, she can have fun. And she's a, she's a person too. She has personalities. And she has things that she likes and activities that she enjoys, but she wasn't allowing herself to pursue these things because she had to play the role of a mother.

Angie Yu: 50:10

yo, that is brilliant. Like it's not just a role that's been placed on us as children, but our parents had a role that was expected of them to okay. That's like, boom.

Kristy Yee: 50:26

Boom, man, boom, that re that made me like kind of made me wanna pee a little.

Angie Yu: 50:34

That is, yeah, really, really well said, like coming full circle again, like we, we always think about like, oh, we need to do this. Like, you're right. Like our parents didn't know what they were doing. They weren't following a manual. They can follow advice and tips from other people. But at the end of the day, they had to figure shit out on their own. And they were playing a role that was expected of them. So like our moms think that they have to worry about us because that's the. And, but it really like it's, it's on us to draw those boundaries. Like, mom, you don't have to worry about me because well, it's, I don't want to say it's our responsibility, but we know better. We know better. Not because we're smarter, but because we are presented with more resources at our age and we are presented with opportunities that they never were presented with. So for us to educate them. It's a good way for us to return some of the work that they've put in to raise us.

Kristy Yee: 51:32

Here's an example of letting go of anxiety from both ends. Okay. Because as children, we also have anxiety about our parents, like making sure we please them. We don't want to get yelled at. We like do things to avoid confrontation or whatever it is. And then our parents will have anxiety because they care about us and they don't want us to die. So when I came to Toronto within the first like 48 hours, I got sick. poor body cannot handle this fluctuation of like 40 degrees and then 20 degrees and then 40 degrees and then 20 degrees. Okay. And why that happens is because when you step outside, it's hot as fuck, which for the proof trips, who've been listening to us for a while. I thrive in the heat. I freaking love it. What I did not anticipate is all the fucking AC it's like I'm in Hong Kong. Okay. Where I have to like bring a sweater so I can wear it when I'm inside and then take it off. But outside

Angie Yu: 52:36

Totally.

Kristy Yee: 52:37

needless to say, I got sick and I didn't want to tell my mom

Angie Yu: 52:41

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 52:42

she's gonna, she's gonna yell at me. She was going to school me. She's going to be like, you should have warmer clothes. You should've been more careful. These are all the things that you're going to have to eat and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she's going to check in on me every half an hour to see if I'm still alive. Right. So, so I held on to all of that because that's what I expected my mom would do.

Angie Yu: 53:04

Yeah. So it became shit that you don't tell mom

Kristy Yee: 53:08

Exactly.

Angie Yu: 53:09

because you don't want her to worry. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 53:11

so I'm like, I'm a fucking adult. I know how to do this. I'll make some congee and like brew some ginger lemon tea and blah, blah, blah. Right. And, and so that all happens. And of course, when I chat with my mom, I was like, you know what? I'm a fucking adult. Let's just own up to it. So I told her, I'm like, yeah, I got sick. This is what I'm doing. I kind of said that in a monotone newness to her expecting to get a fucking Howler for those who are Harry Potter friends, you know what I'm talking about, and this is how she responded. She was like,

Angie Yu: 53:48

Yeah, cause she trusts you now.

Kristy Yee: 53:51

I'm like what the fuck

Angie Yu: 53:53

I think for her, seeing you going away and like doing grad school and like, she's really proud of you also makes her think like, Hey, maybe she does have her shit together. So if she builds that trust, right?

Kristy Yee: 54:07

And, and what I thought was okay. If we could just all let go a little bit. If I cause what I had done and I had to really think about it too, was I let go of my fear of receiving a Howler from my mom. I let go of the fear of telling her that I was actually sick, you know? And then she also let go of the fear that I'm going to die.

Angie Yu: 54:29

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 54:32

how pleasant of a conversation that was, I just told her, yup, I'm sick. This is what happened. This is what I'm doing. And she was like, okay, just take care of yourself anyways, back to the driving range, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, huh? Like that was a much easier conversation than I had anticipated because we both let go.

Angie Yu: 54:50

Yeah. So you're learning a lot, not just about yourself right now. Cause I remember saying that to you when we talked about you moving away, I'm like, oh, you're going to like learn more about yourself as a blood, but you're also learning more about your mom.

Kristy Yee: 55:04

That's just, just another person

Angie Yu: 55:07

And how do you feel about that?

Kristy Yee: 55:11

kind of weird because it's a disconnect. Cause I just know her as mom. Right. I only know her as this character that she has been playing for so long, but also kind of cool to see that. She is so much more than just mom. She's another human being that she has. She has the ability to be someone cool. Like, can you think about that? Think, I think about that for a sec. Okay. And like, to all of our poop, she was thinking about how your parents can be cool and that's a, it's an uncomfortable but good feeling. If that makes sense uncomfortable in a way that it's out of character. And that's why it's weird and uncomfortable, but also cool to think that yeah.

Angie Yu: 56:06

Yeah. And I think that's kind of the process of growing up, right. Because you've known mom as mom, your whole life. In this case, like you came out of her vagina and then she was your mom from minute one. But from the stories you've told me, like, your mom has had an incredible life leading to where sh where her life was up until like she had you. And they were all very impressive things, but we hardly, we seldom think about that. Right. And it's not until like you're more grown and that. She's starting to have her own life again, like right now that you're like, Hey, yeah, she was a person before me. And she's a person now. Like it's just, it's kind of it's. Yeah, you're right. It's like, it takes so much for our mind to really wrap around that. Like sometimes I still forget how cool my mom is. And I remember when she first started, like really getting into yoga. Like I was so proud of the fact that she can like do headstands and handstands that I would post about it on Instagram. Not because I want to show off. Well, maybe because a little bit, I want to show off, but mostly because I was so proud and also it was a way for me to be like, like, this is real, like my mom's pretty dope. Right.

Kristy Yee: 57:17

Yeah, that was pretty dope. It's easy to see other people's moms being dope passes. It's easy to see that. Yes, of course. This is another human being. Of course they have a life outside of their role as being moms. It's so easy for us to see that for other people, but it's so much more difficult when, when you look internally in your own families and think about that for your.

Angie Yu: 57:41

Yeah, again, it goes back to the whole, like we need to see that more from their perspective. So are you just feeling a hundred percent good about your move? Like there's

Kristy Yee: 57:52

we can hear her in the background.

Angie Yu: 57:54

my God. I know she's being I'm guessing she just woke up from her nap. So now she has a lot of energy.

Kristy Yee: 58:00

So your question was, is that all fine and dandy and rainbows and butterflies? No, definitely not. There's a lot of other shit that we will save for our next episode.

Angie Yu: 58:12

Okay. Sounds good. First of all, thank you for listening all the way to the end. We really appreciate it. And I guess the takeaway for today's episode is just to remember that you don't need to be trapped in a certain role and you don't need to trap others in a certain role. And the only way to really wrap your head around that is to try to think about things from other people's perspective, whether that'd be your own mom or other people's mom like there's good and bad and everything. That's just life. So make the most of what you can and if there's something you enjoy, then do that. And so do things that you enjoy because then that's the only way to make the good things in life. Outweigh the bad things.

Kristy Yee: 58:59

Nice well done and tune in for our next, our shit episode where things might not be as happy daddy. And I talk more about some of the challenges of moving to Toronto.

Angie Yu: 59:15

All right, bye. I'm looking forward. I'm looking forward. I'm looking forward. Yes. Sorry. I'm sleep deprived.