37. Our Shit: Adult Friendships and How to Be a Better Friend

Adult friendships. Confrontations. Empathy. Responsibilities. We confront our uncomfortable thoughts and compare our friendship and partnership to a romantic relationship. They talk about their mental health and how that has affected their time management and relationships.

Takeaways:

• Having doubts about something does not mean you don’t want it
• Adult friendships need maintenance and check-ins from both sides
• Healthy friendships mean you can share uncomfortable feelings with each other
• Consistency and kindness is more important than frequency and big gestures
• Life gets in the way and friendships require managing expectations

Mentions & Resources:

• How to be a Better Friend
• How to Not Suck as a Friend — Communicate Better
• Why Friendships Are So Important for Health and Well-Being
• Making Good Friends

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Transcript

Kristy Yee: 0:00

Okay.

Angie Yu: 0:03

I guess it's been a while.

Kristy Yee: 0:05

It has been, and that's what that's part of the problem.

Angie Yu: 0:33

relaxed. Let's catch up a little bit. the last time we talked, it was when you were really anxious about school

Kristy Yee: 0:41

Okay. Was that the last time we talk was recording episode 32, the anxiety episode.

Angie Yu: 0:46

that's what, that's the last time we like really talked, we recorded the menstruation episode, et cetera. But the last time we actually talked about like our lives was that.

Kristy Yee: 0:57

See, and this is why I feel like I feel like there's so much disconnect. I used to see you twice a week,

Angie Yu: 1:05

Yeah,

Kristy Yee: 1:06

even during pandemic.

Angie Yu: 1:08

yeah.

Kristy Yee: 1:09

And I feel like I miss you, and I don't know what's happening in your life. And I feel like we're not

Angie Yu: 1:22

On the same wavelength,

Kristy Yee: 1:24

exactly

Angie Yu: 1:25

but we're still finishing each other's sentences.

Kristy Yee: 1:30

And I just feel like I don't need us to be meeting, you know, twice a week, because part of, part of when we did that, it was half of it was funsies. And I don't think we need to be. In each other's lives like that. But I also feel like if the last time we have actually talked about our lives was back in September, like two, two and a half months ago. Right. That's a long time.

Angie Yu: 2:04

It has a long time, especially if we have a project together, we have a baby together, right? Yeah. It is a long time.

Kristy Yee: 2:10

exactly. And I feel like the relationship I have with you is so unique compared to any of my other friends, because we have a baby and, and it's a new territory for me. And I honestly do feel like our relationship is like being in a marriage and having a commitment and having, having a fucking baby as part of our responsibility. And you know, when you're married, you know, You don't have to be in each other's face all of the time. It's actually better to not be in each other's face all the time. So I, I, that's not what I'm trying. That's not what I'm saying that I need, like, I'm not saying I need to be in your life all the time, but we need to have, I feel like we need to still have good communication and

Angie Yu: 3:03

We need to connect.

Kristy Yee: 3:05

yes. Yes. And I feel like the, what I have been feeling lately is there has been a disconnect.

Angie Yu: 3:13

I agree with that. I know exactly where you're coming from, because I feel that too. And for me, it's like, it's like what goes on said, right? Like for me, it's like, oh, well, you know, she's, she's busy with school and like, I'm busy with. baby, a dog

Kristy Yee: 3:30

Yeah. Have many babies.

Angie Yu: 3:32

have many babies that this is my other baby. Oh my God. This is like my second marriage.

Kristy Yee: 3:37

Oh, my gosh.

Angie Yu: 3:38

God. Yeah. My second baby. So maybe that's like, that's like a whole thing too. And like, you know yeah.

Kristy Yee: 3:47

and even like with your partner moving in, like that's still relatively, you know, a new thing to have to learn, to adjust. And then, and then on top of that, you guys have a baby together.

Angie Yu: 4:00

yeah. And that's, that was one of the things I was going to bring up. That was one of my priorities. It's like managing a household, which sounds really, you know, everyone, if you hear it, it sounds like, oh, I have to do the things like why is this a woman always had to do that? I'm just better at it. I'm just more organized. I can

Kristy Yee: 4:20

you just, you choose to do it now because you have to

Angie Yu: 4:22

Yeah. Just like FYI choose to do it and I'm happy to do it, but it's definitely a lot of work to manage a household. Like it's a lot of work and my, my respect for like, homemakers or just moms who are like full-time workers and they have side hustles and they take care of the baby. Of course the partner is there to help. Right. But it's just like, there's so much going on. And obviously my respect level has for that has gone up. Like it's not easy. So that's like my big, one of my biggest, time suckers.

Kristy Yee: 4:56

Yeah. And, and I'm not there, you know what I mean? And so I totally, I get it. There's so much going on in your life right now. There's so many new things. I know all of these things happen, you know, a few months ago, but I still consider them new and it takes time to adjust and get to your flow and like, Settle into that life. And so I feel like, okay, and she's really busy because you have a dog, but on top of that, you are also adjusting living with a new human and a dog, and you recently got a promotion.

Angie Yu: 5:47

Yep.

Kristy Yee: 5:48

So I'm like, okay, Angie has so much new stuff going on in her life right now. I understand why the podcast wouldn't be as high of a priority. I think what I'm feeling is I want to know you're still committed.

Angie Yu: 6:08

Yes, definitely.

Kristy Yee: 6:11

Okay.

Angie Yu: 6:11

So for me, like I think we talked about this before. We were like, oh, what can you like, what, what milestone would just make you super happy? And for me, one of them is like, oh, when we hit 100 episodes, right? Like three digit, that's still definitely in my, in the works. I can see where you're coming from. Where, because I've been kind of absent for the last couple of months. because it's not that I have a dog, I have a puppy. Like, I think that's different. Like you're right. Actually, I didn't even think about how many new things are going on in my. And those new things. Aren't exactly. What's taking up all my time. So it's a huge adjustment for me and yeah, I didn't even think about it like that. So that's really good. Like you're, you know, me really well, even if you, even if you haven't seen me in person for a while and like yeah. Pen timing and all that stuff, and now that the restrictions are eased up and you can actually come over and do podcast stuff with me, you're in Toronto. Right? So like we're living in two different cities. Not that I blame you for that. It's just, yeah. The circumstances. and that's why I was like, oh, we should sit down and talk about like the realities of our current situation and the expectations and what our timeline is like.

Kristy Yee: 7:43

Yeah. And I love that, you know, when you, when I first messaged you and I'm like, oh, I'm not feeling so good. And I think we should talk. And then you, you came up with that idea of like, yeah, let's talk about our realities and expectations. I thought, first of all, I thought that was a great idea. But second, and I think more importantly, it, it gave me reassurance like, okay, yes, Angie is still committed. And I feel like, I feel like I'm in a relationship where, you know, Like a romantic relationship. I feel like, because this is as close as I can, I can compare it to, cause I've never had a, project baby partner before, you know, so it's as close as I can compare it to is having a romantic relationship. You go through the honeymoon phase and then you're, you're married and you're committed and you have this thing together. And sometimes the relationship hits a rut or it lulls and that's completely normal and that's okay. And I, I get why you need to prioritize other things in your life right now. So I don't fault you for that because I get it. Like these are important things and they're all happening at the same fucking time. I just feel like. I need reassurance from my partner that you still love me. And you're still committed to this. Tell me you still love me and you want to stay in this relationship.

Angie Yu: 9:12

Oh, my God. That's so funny. But like I, of course, like, okay, I can totally see where you're coming from. Cause I literally went through this with my boyfriend. There was a period of time where I was like, I need reassurance about this. So like, I know exactly where you're coming from. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry that you like felt uninsured. but I was also really happy that you came to me and was like a, I'm not feeling so good about this. We need to talk. And I was like, yeah, actually we, I think we do. And I think as soon as you brought that up, I was like, Hmm, what has been going on in my life? Because I've just been so focused on like each day so far that I haven't really like lean back and thought about what's actually going on in my life. If that

Kristy Yee: 9:59

I mean, it's, it totally makes sense because it's always hard to step back and look at the big picture when you are the first person, when you are the main character of your own story.

Angie Yu: 10:09

Yeah. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 10:11

So anyways, that's how I've been feeling and when you're like, okay. Yes, let's talk. That's a good idea. Let's talk about all these things. I'm like, okay. That's a, that's a sign and just still wants to be in this relationship.

Angie Yu: 10:27

I mean, that's not to say that there weren't doubts. I think that's normal. I think that the point where I'm like first I was doubting like, oh my God, why did I get a puppy? It's so much work. And then I was doubting like, oh, can I, can I do this thing where, I have like a full-time job that I'm committed to like, do I want to keep moving up this ladder, with more responsibilities because it's definitely gonna continue like increase. And then, and then I'm like, oh, do I even have time to commit to the. Podcast. And I have been obviously like doubts about everything in my life comes up. Right. But at the end of the day, I'm like, no, no, no. Like having doubts about things doesn't mean that you don't want them, if anything, it means that you do want them and you just want to make sure that you can actually put a good effort into all of them.

Kristy Yee: 11:22

commit to it to the degree that you want to commit to it

Angie Yu: 11:26

that's right. Like you don't want to have that. That is important to me. And I guess lately, maybe I was, you know what, I think I can admit that I was a bit avoidant about talking to you about this because I was like, oh, I don't want to let her down. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I know she has stuff going on too. Maybe I just need to like work through this on my own first.

Kristy Yee: 11:49

and isn't like, think about the parallels to that. And then, and then

Angie Yu: 11:52

in a relationship.

Kristy Yee: 11:56

like one partner just keeps it all to themselves and they feel, you know, a little bit disconnected as well, but they're like, I'll just work through it myself and I'll, I'll, I'll figure it out without communicating with the other person. And then, and then I'm here sitting and I'm feeling all icky about things and I'm like, okay, well, okay, Angie has all these things going on and says, yes. And then I just kind of ignore my own feeling of neglect and disappointment. And, but I'm wallowing it by myself instead of sharing it with you, instead of seeing like, Hey, you know, this, does it make me feel good when X, Y, Z happens.

Angie Yu: 12:43

Yeah. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 12:45

And it's been like over two months, that's kind of a long time.

Angie Yu: 12:50

that is a long time. Yeah, but it's good though. We're talking about it.

Kristy Yee: 12:55

Yeah.

Angie Yu: 12:57

And I think it's interesting because yeah, you're right. Like, this is a new kind of relationship for both of us and whether or not a relationship is romantic or not like it's a relationship. It has all the same like needs, as a relationship, like spending time together, connecting, communicating, like those and kindness, right? Like those are all really important for any sort of relationship. So I think we're both like, like for me, I like was thinking about all my own, like, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm just going to try to figure this out on my own for you. It's like, I don't want to bring it up because maybe you were afraid that the answer would be like, yeah. You know what, by that does that sound right? Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 13:46

Yeah.

Angie Yu: 13:50

You know why I'm like so aware, like as soon as I made that connection in my head, it was like, yeah, this is exactly like when you reached that part of the relationship where the honeymoon phase is kind of over and you don't know if the other person is going to be committed or not. Because I had this, I went through this exact same thing with, with Nick and I was still seeing my therapist at the time. So I brought it up with her and I told her, I was like, it's not like I want to get married right now. It's I'm like, I want to have kids right now, but I need to know that, like, I want to know, oh, I just want to, I need to know that he is committed to this relationship and that he wants the same thing in the future.

Kristy Yee: 14:29

Yep. That's that's, that's,

Angie Yu: 14:31

The same thing.

Kristy Yee: 14:32

that's where I'm at right now. I'm like, I get it. You have all these things. I can be very understanding of that. I just need to know that this is still part of your future.

Angie Yu: 14:41

Yeah. And it is, and it is, oh my God.

Kristy Yee: 14:49

I love me. And you're committed. You want to be my baby mama?

Angie Yu: 14:55

So funny. this is so interesting,

Kristy Yee: 15:02

well, I, like I said earlier, I we've, neither of us have been in a relationship like this. We've we've dated people, so this is as close as we can compare it to.

Angie Yu: 15:16

Yeah,

Kristy Yee: 15:17

when you think about, yeah, exactly. And I think because there's a level of responsibility that's involved, like when you are living with someone, when you were committed in, in a romantic relationship, there is a level of responsibility because there's like stuff you have to take care of. Whereas in a regular platonic relationship. Yes. Communication, understanding, empathy, kindness. Those are all still integral parts of any relationship. But a lot of times there's, there's like, there's not a responsibility component to it. And when I say responsibility, I mean, like for the podcast we have to put in work, like we have to, we got to do certain things by certain times there's deadlines. There's you know what I mean? It's like working with your partner, you got to fucking housemate. Yeah, exactly. But when you're with friends, there's, there's not that that's not part of the equation.

Angie Yu: 16:23

Okay. I think I understand what you're saying. Yeah. Because for like a typical friendship, the needs aren't as there aren't as many needs, you're you're the most, like I would say for a typical friendship, the key needs that you need. So eloquent, like the, the, the most like important things you need between friends is like, you need someone to be there for you, potentially sometimes a sounding board, someone that, you know, you can trust and that you can go to, I can spend time with, you know, that they'll always be there for you in times of need, but it's not like a constant thing and it's not, there's no like specific frequent. Whereas when you have a business partner you're right. Like there are a lot of responsibilities. There are way more needs. You need way more communication. and all that stuff. So it takes, definitely takes a friendship to a completely different level. And because you're right, because there's like a commitment, there's more pressure as well. And there's more expectations. And whenever there's more pressure, more expectations, there's also a lot more room for, not wanting to disappoint the other person, not hurting the other person's feelings. and then I think that's where it can lead to a lot of avoidance or anxiety because yeah, because like a relationship, sometimes you just like, you're not sure what's going to happen.

Kristy Yee: 17:58

Yup. yeah, because there's that additional component of having responsibilities. And there's the extra component of having expectations, then you don't want to disappoint the other person. It just feels like there's a lot more at stake.

Angie Yu: 18:17

yes, that's right.

Kristy Yee: 18:19

And then it also, because there's those extra layers too. If we don't understand each other's expectations, then there's more room for miscommunication.

Angie Yu: 18:30

Yes, absolutely. We're just responding to each other with yes. Or you can do a couple therapists or a couples therapy asks you do. Yes. I hear what you're saying. I think we're on the same page in terms of understanding where we're at, but we just need to actually sit down and communicate our expectations and then manage them.

Kristy Yee: 18:56

okay. So let's, let's do that.

Angie Yu: 19:02

Okay. So I can go first. So my current priorities, which we already talked about is one my, my new, my new promotion, sort of new ESC.

Kristy Yee: 19:13

I'm calling it new, straight up.

Angie Yu: 19:15

Yeah. And that's something I w I am committed to right now, because you know, I did go through this period of time in my life where I was in an all time low, and I could not perform my work. I could not do. Is expected of an employee or a team member. And I was surprised so many times that they hadn't fired me, but I think they valued everyone on the team. It's a small firm. They're not going to cut their losses, just Willy nilly. They were very interested in seeing me getting better. So for me, this is almost like I feel responsible to kind of show that I appreciate everything that they did for me. And then I need to show that I can be a good team member and be reliable. So that's definitely one of my priorities right now. And of course the other priority would just be like the home that I'm living in. Like, I need to manage this home. I have a partner that supports, but I take the lead in terms of organization and. Doing all that stuff, kind of like what you do with the podcast, but that's what I do. for my relationship, my, my romantic slash home relationship. And then the other one part of managing the household would be taking care of my puppy. So those are our three biggest priorities right now. Like you said, they're all relatively new. And I think that's, what's kind of stretching me thin a bit. And what I expect in terms of the timeline is as I'm settling into this dynamic of my life, there's still a lot of things to hash out right now.

Kristy Yee: 21:04

What are your expectations from me?

Angie Yu: 21:10

Oh, that's a good question. I think that's the harder question. I think a lot of the expectations I have from you, like, you're pretty good with those. Like I expect you to take the lead on organizing the podcast, which you have always been doing now, whether or not that's something you can handle, we can have a conversation about. and one of the other expectations I guess, is for you to, how do I phrase it? Call me out if you need to. Right. Like it it'll be a difficult conversation to have. And it's probably, I don't think it's fair that this will have to sit on you only. So I think that's why I don't really, it's not really an expectation anymore. I think that was the, I think that was the like subconscious expectation prior to this conversation. But after you text me, texted me and you were like, let's talk. I thought about it. I was like, oh, you know what? That's not really fair for me to expect Christie to always initiate these conversations. So right now for me, my expectations for you kind of is on confirmed.

Kristy Yee: 22:31

Sometimes I feel like I am micromanaging and then I feel shit for doing that.

Angie Yu: 22:44

One, you don't have to feel guilty for that, but two, you also shouldn't have to do that. So I think I need to step up as well. And that's funny because I literally had this conversation with Nick the other day and I'm like, he's like, why do you always get mad at me? I'm like, because I have to nag you to do something. And then I hate it because I feel guilty about nagging you about it. And then, and then it's just this like vicious cycle. He's like, I really don't care if you need to nag me for me to do something, just nag me. And I was like, fine on that. And then, but then the thing is like, I hate doing that. So I shouldn't expect you to do that in our podcast relationship.

Kristy Yee: 23:29

How do you feel when I do that?

Angie Yu: 23:33

I feel guilty obviously. Maybe not. It's maybe it's not that obvious, but I definitely feel guilty like, oh, like I shouldn't need Kristy to get to the point where she feels like she has to micromanage. What I do is she should be able to trust me, that I'll do things. If I say I'm going to do them, but of course I feel like shit, when I can't do that more, I can't meet those expectations.

Kristy Yee: 24:08

Hmm. I mean, I guess that's where the communication comes in is if you feel like you're in a place where you cannot meet the expectations, then you let me know. And then I step up.

Angie Yu: 24:27

Yeah. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 24:28

I have the capacity to step up

Angie Yu: 24:31

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 24:32

and if not, then, then we can have another conversation. But I think for me, exactly like how you describe it, I feel guilty for nagging and I feel like I should just trust Angie's gonna do it. And then I feel like every time I nag it hurts our relationship. And that's what, that's what makes me feel bad because you're coming.

Angie Yu: 25:12

oh my God so from the other side is like every time you, I don't even think about a, you as you nagging, but for me, it's like, oh, I'm disappointing Christie. So that's where I'm coming from. I don't even think about that. You're nagging. All I can think about is like, I'm disappointing her, maybe I'm not cut out to do this. That's when my doubts come in. Like maybe I don't have the time or that I just, maybe I do have the time. I just don't know how to manage my time. And that's always been like a struggle for me in every aspect of my life is time management and it takes me a while to kind of really, really actually wrap my head around that. Like even I work, I came back to work. So for those of you who don't know, which is probably a lot of you or all of you, except my coworkers and close friends is that I took about four months off, back in 2020, right before the pandemic. I went on a mental health leave from work. so I was on short-term disability. And that four months off for me was very, very helpful for that. But then coming back to work, I could not just dive in. It was very gradual and my work was very supportive. They didn't give me, they only gave me like 50% of my workflow to be in with, and they didn't even deduct any pay. Like that's, that's one of the other reasons why I want to put work as a priority, especially, not, not to the point where like, Ruins my work-life balance because I would never let that happen because, you know, but,

Kristy Yee: 27:03

We know better now,

Angie Yu: 27:04

yeah, exactly. to not burn out. but

Kristy Yee: 27:08

but when you want to thank them, it's, it's a way for you to give back because they were there for you. And now you're in a place where you can take on more responsibilities. You're you have the capacity and you want to be able to show appreciate.

Angie Yu: 27:25

Yeah. So the point that I'm trying to get to is it took me a while to actually get to that place because for me, time management is a struggle and it takes me time to really process what's going on in my life and how I need to allocate my time and resources and energy to what is required of me. So for the podcast, that would go the same way. And I, I'm very appreciative that you're really understanding that right now.

Kristy Yee: 28:01

And I think that's something that I need to be more understanding and gentle about the time management thing for me. It's, it's the, it's the little things, not the big picture. It's like, like coming to a meeting on time, you know? I think because time management is.

Angie Yu: 28:37

strong suit of yours.

Kristy Yee: 28:39

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a strong suit by all means. I'm still very much working on understanding how I can best manage my time. And I think that lots of people can relate to that, but I value time management.

Angie Yu: 28:56

Mm.

Kristy Yee: 28:57

I feel like I'm, I'm being disrespected of my time yeah. Like when you come late to a meeting and shit happens all the time, I'm late for meetings, you know, like I wake up late and, and I get that. So I don't know if it's something I need to just reflect on myself and see if I'm just a hypocrite.

Angie Yu: 29:30

no, no, no. I think that's a, I think that's very fair. Like, You know, like when people say like, oh, Asian time, you know, like, you know what I mean? Like everyone's like, oh, like you always budget like 10 to 15 minutes of the other person being late or whatever. But if I know that this is something you value, then of course I'm going to make an effort to do that. So I guess that's another one of those things where it's left unsaid and then miss understandings happen. So you think that I'm disrespecting your time and, you know, obviously I don't mean to disrespect your time, but if that's the effect of my actions, then of course that's bad. so knowing that this is something you value, then I'm going to make an extra effort to make sure that this doesn't happen. And if it does happen, then I'll communicate about it. You know what I mean?

Kristy Yee: 30:20

And, you know, we're, we're always learning new things about another person. You can never know, you know, what a person's values are right away. So I feel like, you know, after what a year and a half into our relationship, and we're learning a bit more about each other and how we operate and our values, I feel like this is really good.

Angie Yu: 30:46

yeah.

Kristy Yee: 30:48

So I value I value times. and even things like, you know, like a few minutes before I think you'd be like, yo, I got it. I need a little like 10 more minutes or 15 more. I'm totally okay with that. As long as you just let me know.

Angie Yu: 31:05

You mean like the time where you got here on time? And I was like, ah, I need to have sex with my boyfriend. And then you waited downstairs.

Kristy Yee: 31:17

Oh, my God. I didn't even think about that.

Angie Yu: 31:22

So understanding, and I'm like, oh my God, I would have the worst thing of you.

Kristy Yee: 31:26

I was very okay with that.

Angie Yu: 31:28

Cause I completely communicated where I was coming from.

Kristy Yee: 31:31

Yeah. As long as you, you tell me, even if it's a few minutes before, you know, whatever, whatever thing it is that we have scheduled, even if it's just a few minutes and you tell me what's going on, why this is happening, then it's all good.

Angie Yu: 31:45

Yeah. So there you go. That's the expectations. So like for most people it's like, oh yeah. Five to 10 minutes is fine. but obviously if I need like 20 to 30 minutes, then it's like where the threshold is. Right. So if I know now that like, Hey, you expect me to be on time. When we say 10 30 or one 30 on your hand, then I should be here at 10 30 slash one 30. And if I'm not, then not.

Kristy Yee: 32:07

Yes, exactly.

Angie Yu: 32:08

Great.

Kristy Yee: 32:11

Okay. That's great. I got that off my chest. So my current priorities school, very obvious my mental health and that's what I can think of.

Angie Yu: 32:27

I think another priority of yours is also enjoying your time, enjoying the news.

Kristy Yee: 32:38

I'm lumping that into mental health.

Angie Yu: 32:39

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

Kristy Yee: 32:42

So I am trying to,

Angie Yu: 32:45

You can be specific about it.

Kristy Yee: 32:47

well, I I'm noticing, I mean, I've only been here for like three months and I'm noticing, I, I am noticing that I am noticing my goodness where it see, this is why we need to hang out more and talk more because otherwise words don't come out I feel like in the last few months I have become a bit more aware of when my mental health starts to dip. I've becoming more sensitive to noticing how my body and how my brain is reacting and feeling. And I think that's a, I think that's was a great thing. I'm like celebrating on the inside because you know, it's always, I think it's a good thing to be more introspective and have more connection with your body before it gets. Before it gets too late, like too far on the ends of the spectrum, basically. Right? So I've noticed that, which is great, but it also means that my, my mental health wave, instead of going giant peaks, like really low to really high, the sounds like I'm describing bipolar, but that's not what I'm trying to just say, but basically instead of leaving it all the way till I burn out and then having to take a long time leave, and having these gaps between my spikes, I am now noticing waves, but these waves are a lot closer together. So I'm having ups and downs in higher frequencies. Does that make sense?

Angie Yu: 34:21

Yes. Yes.

Kristy Yee: 34:22

Last time we really talked about my feelings and where I'm at. That was when I first moved to Toronto and I was feeling a lot of anxiety and for school, for being in a new place. And then I felt better like a month after that. And having that conversation with you, I felt like, Hey, you know what, I'm a month into this. Or two months into this, I'm getting the hang of it, I think is possible. I think I can finish the semester. I think I'm getting into a flow. So I felt better. And then recently in the last month we're approaching end of term. And so she's just wrapping up, like she's getting real. Okay. And then on top of that, I'm, I'm working as well. So I'm working as a TA and that means that this is a fuck ton of marking and students trying to meet with me. And, you know, so it's like, it's getting intense. So in the last few months it was like fucking intense and I start to think, oh my gosh, now, now I'm back to feeling not so good. And I'm back to a dip in my mental health, because externally there's so much more things pulling at me. And, you know, you spreading yourself thin basically, right? Typically I don't feel typically my waves aren't that close. It doesn't go from like September low and then a October plateau and then a November dip again. You know what I mean? But because I'm more cognizant of that now and about my own feelings, I am trying to prioritize taking care of my mental health because I'm noticing the frequency more, even though they're the intensity is less

Angie Yu: 36:19

I think that's great.

Kristy Yee: 36:21

I'm like, where am I going with

Angie Yu: 36:23

No, no, no. I think that's absolutely great. Like, like, I, I know exactly what you mean and I think that's good managing it a little bit by little, like what you said. it's the little things that matter, right? So like having a big talk about where we are with the podcast, sometimes isn't as helpful as you going, Hey, I expect you to be on time and. I think the same thing can be said for our mental health, because it's more instead of expectations about someone else it's expectations about yourself.

Kristy Yee: 36:59

Which is also a relationship to work on.

Angie Yu: 37:02

Exactly. Absolutely. I think that is part of managing your anxiety and your depression episodes, and also just managing your own happiness.

Kristy Yee: 37:19

I guess in the last few months, I also feel like I have been slacking off on the podcast and sometimes I feel guilty about it, but sometimes I don't and that's new for me because I think Christie would have a lot of expectations on meeting deadlines and doing things when, you know, Doing things. When I say I'm going to be doing things like we have specific days in the week where we dedicate to working on the podcast. And so if on that day I could not work on the podcast because of whatever reason, then I feel really bad about it. And old Christie would just do it anyways. I will just like, not sleep because I said, I'm going to do it today. I'm going to do it today. And I'm going to, I said, I'm going to put in these many hours into it. So I'm going to put in these many hours into it, regardless of like everything else going on. So now, because my, my priority for my mental health is a lot higher. I will, I might not work on the podcast. On the Thursday and I'll just fucking do it Friday night. You know what I mean? And that's, that's totally okay. And so I'm kind of like allowing myself to do that, but, but because it's new, it's a growth process. It's really uncomfortable. So then I feel guilty for doing that even though it's totally okay. And I know you don't give a fuck.

Angie Yu: 39:13

Yeah, but it doesn't matter what, I think this is your own process. So I liked the part where you said you're also okay with it.

Kristy Yee: 39:20

I mean, like you don't give a fuck of whether or not I did podcast work on a Thursday or a

Angie Yu: 39:26

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Because it's your own process. And especially since we're not meeting and doing it together, I mean, I've been doing that. Like I was like, oh, like I need to work Thursday night. Cause I have something due Friday. Yeah. So I'll just work on it Friday night or Saturday when I have more brain capacity. And that's just, yeah. And that's just whatever we can do to help ourselves manage all the things we have to all the other things we have to manage. So how do you feel about you being able to take a step back and not having such high expectations of yourself?

Kristy Yee: 40:09

In general, I feel like it's going to be a good thing in the long run because that's going to help me manage my anxiety and also manage expectations from other people as well, because I can't expect people to work like how I work. And I also shouldn't be putting so much. Stress on myself when, when it's not that big of a deal. And I, and maybe this ties into the whole, you know, time management scheduling shit. Right? Cause I'm, I'm very into scheduling stuff. I plan my schedules like months in advance. Here's here's an example. Y'all's this is how much of how much I care about scheduling. When I have my, at the beginning of semester, you know, you get a course, outline a rubric, whatever, and these are all the due dates. Right? And then these are all the readings. So I went through every single one of my course, and yes, every people put in like major projects due dates and everything like that. But I schedule time of when I'm going to work on projects and due dates. Into my calendar. So basically I had my entire school calendar of which date I'm going to work on, which assignment for how many days for how many hours. And of course have the due date in the calendar, like four months prior. So since September, all I do is I just rely on my calendar to tell me what homework I have to do. And I, I would've planned that since September. So, whereas I think most people just, I think, I think most people would just put in the due dates and then figure it out when it's like a week before it's due. You know what I mean? But I will plan at least three weeks in advance, three to four weeks in events, and schedule in time to work on that assignment weeks before it's due. And I would have set, I would have planned all of that back.

Angie Yu: 42:31

don't think there's anything wrong with that per se, because if that's your process and that's your process, I think it becomes unhealthy when you hold yourself to the standard that if you don't do it that day, because something else has come up, then you stay up until 3:00 AM doing it.

Kristy Yee: 42:47

Yeah, exactly. So that's what I'm, I'm I've been letting go right

Angie Yu: 42:52

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 42:53

old Christy would have done exactly what you had just said, and it's not a healthy way to, to do things. And I've learned to be a lot more flexible as long as I just get shit done. Right. And so I will move things around in my calendar all the time, but because this shift to a better me is new. It's still an uncomfortable process to do.

Angie Yu: 43:24

Okay.

Kristy Yee: 43:25

So you asked me how I feel about it. I feel good. I'm like great. I'm, you know, I'm not so fucking uptight all the time. And, and it's working better for me. It's working for all the people around me. Right. I don't have to fucking micromanage people. So

Angie Yu: 43:44

you were about to say, but

Kristy Yee: 43:46

I think I was

Angie Yu: 43:48

I looked like you were about to say, but

Kristy Yee: 43:49

think I was, and then I changed it. I, oh God. Now I forgot what I was going to say. So I see all, a lot of the benefits, but I'm still going through the uncomfortable process of adapting to something new. Anyways,

Angie Yu: 44:10

that's very good. I think that's very, self-aware so

Kristy Yee: 44:14

I don't know what

Angie Yu: 44:15

great. Self-awareness And I'm proud of you for doing that.

Kristy Yee: 44:18

Those are my priorities, my expectations, I think picture wise. Once upon a time, Angie and I sat down and we looked at all of the responsibilities that we need to do in the podcast. And we basically split them up with the, with the expectation, oh my God, this just work keeps coming up in this episode with the expectation that if the other person cannot do certain things that they in their domain, that the other person will step up, which I am still happily able to do. I think my general expectation is we just deliver in the domains that we are responsible for.

Angie Yu: 45:09

Yes. So maybe when I was gonna say, so maybe one of the things that we should do is re revisit that list of domains and to see if it's still realistic for us to stick to what we had first established once upon a time when our priorities were completely different.

Kristy Yee: 45:34

That was my next question was, do we need to revisit?

Angie Yu: 45:40

I think we should. I think that's, I think that's a smart move.

Kristy Yee: 45:45

Okay. Because I think that's where, you know, some of that micromanaging thing comes in because I'm like, okay, well, I don't want to be telling Andrew what to do, but Andrew says, she's going to do these things. You know what I mean? And then, and then you don't do that to me, which is why I feel like I feel bad because I'm, yeah. I feel like a micromanager and nobody likes a micromanager. So I feel like I'm, I'm a, I'm a bad person. That's what I feel

Angie Yu: 46:19

Oh, is a bad person if I've ever learned anything. So, but I, I understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry that you have to feel like you have to micromanage and then feel bad about it. Cause that's not nice either. Like that's not something nice to go through in that. I feel like a bad person because I'm not meeting those, expectations that we had originally established. Then I feel like the bad person, because you feel. Bad and then you have to micromanage and then you feel bad about micromanagy. So it's like a vicious cycle.

Kristy Yee: 46:56

Exactly. And then it's just like stirring a whole bunch of bad feelings and then it gets all mucky. Right. And then you add on top of that, we're in two different cities. We have different schedules. Now we have new things happening in our life and we haven't really been just talking or connecting since.

Angie Yu: 47:20

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 47:21

so I think a combination of all of those things together is, is what drove us to have this conversation to begin with.

Angie Yu: 47:33

Yup.

Kristy Yee: 47:36

Okay. So,

Angie Yu: 47:40

So how do you feel about all this now that we've erred out our own feelings and uncover some of the stuff that we have swept under the.

Kristy Yee: 47:50

well, big picture wise, I feel relieved that you are, this is still very important to you and confirming, you know, your commitment to it. I feel, I feel good that we're finally talking about it cause it's, it's been awhile. So I'm glad that we're having this conversation and you're right. Like. Having infrequent big talks is not that great. It's better to have frequent small talks

Angie Yu: 48:25

Yeah. Just like you're managing your ups and lows. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 48:30

yeah, exactly. And I think this goes for any relationship is to have a lot more small talks. And I hope that from our conversation today, we will be able to, I have more small talks and connect more so that we don't have a pilot dust bunnies. And, you know, we just clean once a week said, I love, you know,

Angie Yu: 49:02

Oh, my God. That's see. That's the thing that's like, it's not just for me, like, like the emotional dust bunnies, like there are literally physical dust bunnies in my house and I'm just like, oh my God. and yeah, and we need help in those, in those scenarios. So I'm glad you feel relieved.

Kristy Yee: 49:23

I still feel like I am the villain in this in today's podcast episode,

Angie Yu: 49:30

Are you serious? I feel like I'm the villain.

Kristy Yee: 49:33

oh my God.

Angie Yu: 49:35

'cause, we're all, we're all like hard on ourselves and we can't expect ourselves to be perfect, but then we expect yourself to be perfect to the other person. I feel like we have talked about so many things, today and rehashed out a lot of things that we need time to kind of process.

Kristy Yee: 50:00

Hm.

Angie Yu: 50:01

And I don't think that it would serve us well, if we just try to dive in and recheck our domain, because that's going to take a whole other mental capacity.

Kristy Yee: 50:14

Yeah, I agree. I don't think we should do that today, especially because we spent, we put a lot of effort and even having this conversation.

Angie Yu: 50:23

That's right. Exactly. And I don't want to cheapen it by turning into a meeting.

Kristy Yee: 50:34

Wow well said,

Angie Yu: 50:37

Right. Because I think. I think it's a good example that you don't have to have a meaningful conversation to get a result right away.

Kristy Yee: 50:51

and I think it also means like you don't have to have everything figured out in one session because you would just cannot. I think the fact that we're even having this conversation is a big step forward. I feel great that we had this conversation. I feel great to know that we're both still committed and this is important to us. I realize even more so because I'm saying it out loud. How, how much of a not nice person I have been? I think, but it's a, it's a good thing because I need to really think about my,

Angie Yu: 51:32

Expectations.

Kristy Yee: 51:33

Yeah, exactly. My own expectations, my own values and like my own priorities and, and my desire for. Flexibility. so I feel good about a lot of aspects in this conversation, but I also feel, I still feel heavy and uncomfortable knowing that knowing that there isn't an immediate solution, which is okay, I just need to like, sit with that. And also knowing that there are still things for us to work on. So basically what I'm trying to say is real life, when you do have these conversations with an important person in your life, that it doesn't always need to equal rainbows and butterflies. And, you know, let's, let's go eat cupcakes that it can feel heavy and that's totally okay. We don't have to have all the solution and that might not feel so good either, but that's also okay, because you have to manage your own mental capacity and, we have plans to revisit and continue our conversation at a later date, which is also important because you want to have continuous plans is not just like let's do it once and dust off our hands and peace, you know? so what I'm trying to say is I feel good about all the benefits, but I still feel uncomfortable, but that's okay.

Angie Yu: 53:29

Yeah. And I think I agree. well, we, we have like, we're probably a little bit emotionally exhausted from this conversation, but it's important to have this. So I'm also glad that we had this conversation right now. It feels heavy. We need time to like sit with them process and come back later to revisit everything. Like our action plans basically. And

Kristy Yee: 53:55

plans.

Angie Yu: 53:58

I know you do. And I think, I think another part of it, I, this is there's so much to be said about this. but I think another part of the difficulties of an adult friendship is that we're so used to going to friends as, a source of our happiness, right? Like growing up, we play with friends, we hang out with them. We do things we like with them. We get away from our home life. You know, if we get annoyed at our parents or our siblings that we hang out with our friends, it has always been like a stress relieving thing to hang out with friends. But as we get older and when things become more complicated in life and adult, adult relationships and adult friendships become fewer. But more complex. All these other things are introduced into a like conflicts and disagreements. and that's something that we also have to adjust to as we get older, right. That friendships, isn't just one dimensional and the one dimensional friendships, usually don't last. And that's been something that I've been adapting to as well, because especially like growing up, I've always tried to be like a happy-go-lucky person. I always felt like I've had to entertain people and make people laugh. Even if I'm not technically in a very good mood, that was kind of like a coping mechanism to just show how happy and great I'm doing, even if I'm not, but as I've been through therapy, like. That's not a role that I have to play anymore. Right. And I feel like for me, that's also something that I'm trying to be okay with in adult friendships to be more vulnerable. So that's why this conversation, like, I'm glad that I, that we had this conversation, but definitely still makes me uncomfortable.

Kristy Yee: 56:19

I have nothing to add to that. Although I do want to say that it's. For some people it's okay to have one dimensional friendships. I think different people have different needs. I feel like more, what am I trying to say?

Angie Yu: 56:46

You can have a, okay. I think like different baskets.

Kristy Yee: 56:51

baskets. Yes. And some people like to have just a few close friends that are, you know, not complex, but like complex relationship with a few close friends and perfectly, perfectly happy and content with that. And some people prefer to have more peripheral friendships, like maybe just a few really close friends, but then they also really enjoy having. A friend that I only go hiking with and like, oh, that's, that's all I'm going to do. You know? Or, you know what I mean? Like that the one dimensional friends, like some people are, they, they might need that because maybe they're an extrovert and they like thrive off energy from having lots of people, different types of people in their life. And they're there for different reasons. So

Angie Yu: 57:45

that's a very good, other side to my, to my, what I said, because obviously my experience and my needs are different from everyone else's so

Kristy Yee: 57:55

but I think you are right. As we get older, the friendships do become more complex and we see friends in all these different domains and all these different areas, aspects of our lives. It's not just recess at school. It's so much more and we all, and we all have to respect each other's time and, and our different values and our different lifestyles and schedules, and so many other considerations that it makes things more complicated. So the, the more we adult and the more we level up in adulting, the more complicated it is to in managing relationships.

Angie Yu: 58:39

Yes.

Kristy Yee: 58:39

But I'm also saying it's okay to have some of these recess friends as well. That's cool too. If you got some resist friends and you want to just keep them as recess friends as all good, I guess I think that's it.

Angie Yu: 58:55

I think that's it too. Yeah. I don't really like, there's no summary, I guess I don't

Kristy Yee: 59:00

There's no summary. It's this is our shit moment. And this is truly an Airship moment because it's. Some tea that's been brewing for a long time and it got to the point where it's just a little bit bitter, so let's like talk it out

Angie Yu: 59:13

Yeah. That's

Kristy Yee: 59:14

that's what happened. All right.

Angie Yu: 59:17

Okay. Well, thanks for listening. Y'all we'll see. I keep saying, we'll see you on the next episode. Well speak. Well, we'll see you sort of digitally tune in next time. Okay,

Kristy Yee: 59:37

Bye.