38. Experiences in the Psych Ward for Suicidal Ideations ft. Tanushree Sengupta

After being hospitalized for a week, Tanushree gets diagnosed with dysthymia. Then things got messy. Unintentionally triggering friends. Fighting with parents about using medication. And what self-care looks like right now. Tanushree is a fellow mental health advocate in the South Asian community. She shares her experiences being forced into a psych ward and then learning how to manage her mental well-being. 

“When you talk about destigmatizing, you really have to talk about culture” - Tanushree 

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Content Warning: suicidal ideations and self-harm 

Takeaways:

• Share about your mental health with others but also consider your audience and state of mind 
• Your self-care routine can change just as you are changing every day 
• You can choose not to share some things with your parents 
• Prioritizing your time and energy is also a form of self-care 

Mentions & Resources:

• Kristy’s psych ward story: Ep 2 & Ep 5
• Angie’s 9-year-old suicidal story: Ep 3 & Ep 6
• Website: www.tdcpodcast.com
• Facebook: @thedesicondition 
• Twitter: @tdcpodcast_
• Instagram: @thedesicondition 
• Email: thedesicondition@gmail.com
• The Desi Collaborative 

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Transcript

Tanushree Sengputa: 0:00

I got there and they don't allow you to have bras in the psych ward, like they don't allow you to have a bra because you can strangle yourself with it. allow you to have a sports bra, but I didn't, I mean, I had just come from the office, so I didn't have any, I didn't have anything. I had a real proper bra, so, so they took it away. was like, okay, stand here, saggy. I'm not a small person. I will say that I was saggy just the whole time I was there. All right. Whatever

Kristy Yee: 0:52

welcome to another episode. Today. We have Tanushree Sengupta Tanushree is into biking and baking and reading. she was a mechanical engineer, turned industrial designer, turned high school math teacher in New York city. She is also the founder and host of the Desi condition podcast, which is a platform to speak more openly about mental health taboos in the south Asian community and explore why stigma exists and how to upturn it. Welcome Tanushree to the show.

Tanushree Sengputa: 1:23

Oh man. I don't even know what I can add. You already know my life story. Like basically my life story is that crazy career trajectory, but I am happy to be

Angie Yu: 1:32

Yeah. I mean, that's amazing.

Kristy Yee: 1:33

curious to know, how did you get into the mental health space from being an engineer or designer to now a teacher? I know these are your day jobs and then like you also do your mental health advocacy your podcast. That's like our night job

Tanushree Sengputa: 1:49

My night job, my nights and weekends job. I don't have a life outside of working all the time constantly. no, so I got into it because, well, I, I always kind of had some kind of mental health, like thing going on. I was about to say disaster, but I thought maybe I should be a little bit nicer to myself. There was always some kind of disaster, right.

Kristy Yee: 2:08

Good for

Tanushree Sengputa: 2:11

Yeah, no, so I, there was always something going on. I always just knew something was off. So I was diagnosed later in life. So like only a couple of years ago with dysthymia, is, not major depressive disorder, it's persistent depressive disorder. I think they say major depression can affect, at some point I think like a 25% of adult Americans will experience that. Something like that, like as a much bigger percentage, whereas persistent depressive disorder is much less common. It's like one or 2%. because it's something that is often, it, I, I think that it can be doable. I don't know too much about like the bio chemistry of it, but, I'm a math person, but I, I believe that it can be developed. I'm not sure, but from what I understand, it's something that is genetic. It's like something that you're very much born with. And so like that, that was the chemistry of my brain. Like from day one, I, what happens is you have this consistent, like underlying level of depression, and then you just have like episodes where it gets really bad.

Kristy Yee: 3:09

okay.

Tanushree Sengputa: 3:10

I could say that I've never not been depressed. So I don't know what it's, I don't know what it's like to not be depressed. So that's where I was at that point. And finally, like, somehow I started realizing that for like a lot of different reasons. and I was like, well, maybe so there was a turning point, right. I had a suicidal episode. and that, that was really the turning point for me because I thought, well, maybe this could have been avoided, but I don't know. I don't know how it could have been avoided, et cetera, that it was just, I was just reflecting on my past. Why did it take so long? Like I knew I had a lot of issues before, but I chose not to do anything about it. and then, then I started thinking about. My, my, culture, I guess my family, and just thinking about my background and that's, that's why I run the Desi condition. Like that's why it's a south Asian podcasts, because I think when you think about de-stigmatizing, when you talk about de-stigmatizing, you really have to talk about culture. And so for now, I mean, who knows, like what my advocacy will look like in the future. but it's been very much focused on the south Asian space and then sometimes I'll write articles or do like, like a talk or something somewhere. And that is much more like a much broader spectrum, or it's not just limited to south Asian, but at least when I podcast it is specifically south Asian and that's, that's why that happened. so yeah, I just got into it because I was like, well, I went through these things. I'm sure that a lot of other people are doing the same thing. I'm experiencing the same thing and let's just like dissect it, and figure out even why it exists, like the stigma and figure out, kinda, I think about it as like, what's the word I'm thinking of a scenario map. Scenario mapping different people's, mental health stories, hopefully just kind of help each other out.

Kristy Yee: 4:45

speaks so much, I think to both Angie and I, because that's why we are doing a podcast. And as, east Asian, as like Chinese we also come from a place where mental health is not prioritized. not only do we talk about it, we avoid talking about it. if some auntie or some uncle. You know, is it experienced trauma? They either just laugh about it or, or we, we just don't talk about this person in the family, as kids, we see that, and then we emulate that. And so we're like, oh, we learned that it's not okay to talk about this. So then we end up internalizing all of our pain and trauma and frustration. then now as millennials, we're adults now, and we're like, well, what the fuck happened? And I got lost stuff brewin' and I think we need to talk about it. So all the things that you had just said, I think really resonated. okay, this is the first time I've heard of this dysthymia So I did a bit of Googling and I got basically what you just said. You mentioned you just got diagnosed a few years ago. But then there was a suicidal episode. Was this before or after, how did you get to a place where you went and asked support and ask for help? Like what's happening to me.

Tanushree Sengputa: 6:06

Oh, I didn't ask. I didn't, I was taken, I was whisked away because I was, because I was having these suicidal ideations and I had plans and I was going to care like act on those plans. so, the weird thing is, I don't know if this happens in Canadia, but police show up anyway,

Angie Yu: 6:25

Yes.

Tanushree Sengputa: 6:25

police came, that happens there

Angie Yu: 6:27

Yeah.

Tanushree Sengputa: 6:27

Makes no sense, not mental health professionals. but whatever. So the police came, they were, they were super nice about it. and then they, I guess, made the decision to call the ambulance because they are health professionals, whatever. don't know, whatever. I'm just lucky that they were like good, nice people. Right. anyway, so they, they, called the ambulance. I was there, I would think to the hospital and they were like, we can either like force you to go. Like, by sedating you, or you can just choose to do. And I was like, eh, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna walk in there. It's fine. because they, they did me and they realized like, no, this, this woman seems like she's might hurt herself. So, so yeah, so I was admitted to a psych ward for a little bit under a week. And I had known full well at that point that I was depressed. I, that I had a problem. I just kind of thought I could manage it on my own. And then, that happens, obviously something peaked. So, then that's where, like we were talking about it and they figured out that no, actually like you have thing called dysthymia. Yeah. So that's how I learned about it.

Kristy Yee: 7:27

Okay. First of all, you were given the option of being sedated or not being sedated. and clearly if you're in a place where you're about to do harm to yourself, that is not a calming

Tanushree Sengputa: 7:40

It was after I got to the emergency room that they were like, okay, we've decided that you really need to be admitted. So either you can like, come like actually walk with us there or like we were going to have to sedate you. You seem like a smart person, just come.

Kristy Yee: 7:54

just that experience alone seems really traumatic just listening to you. was also, to a psych ward before and same thing. Like it, it wasn't a place where I chose to go in. It was placed where there they think wasn't causing harm to myself. They afraid that I was going to cause harm to others. And so I was 11 or 12 at that time. And I was in elementary school and basically I was acting out a lot. From my own shit that I was going through and they're like, oh, okay, well, it seems like you're a mean person, so we're just going to take you in and call your parents. And then next thing I know I was whisked off into the emergency room and I was there for two weeks.

Tanushree Sengputa: 8:43

oh, wow.

Kristy Yee: 8:45

I'm like, yeah, feel you.

Tanushree Sengputa: 8:47

Oh my God. And you were 11, 12 years old. That is a really scary a kid, that's.

Angie Yu: 8:53

it's very traumatic. We did talk about it and like episode two in five, I believe. And I remember one of the things that I pointed out, so. The action or the situation that made the teachers go, Hey, this girl is trouble. We need to send her to the psych ward to make sure she's not a psychopath. Uh, was the fact that there was a girl who was bullying Kristy and Kristy decided to retaliate and like attack her, but didn't actually do any physical harm. Just try to, like, I don't know, like, you know, like when Homer Simpson grabs Bart and kind of like shake them like that, that's basically what Kristy was doing.

Kristy Yee: 9:25

That's actually what I

Angie Yu: 9:26

yeah. That's like, so I guess, because it was the action of like on the throat that made people go, whoa, and I pointed it out like, Hey, if you guys were boys, do you think it would have been treated the same? And honestly, I don't think there'll be. Yeah, because this was like, what 2001, 2002. And just, everything was still very things are slightly better now, but things were, yeah. Things were bad. Like I know you're an educator and that's not something you would ever do to, to your kids, like your students. And, Kristy works in healthcare and she would never forcibly ask somebody if they want to be sedated. And I think that just points to really the fact that, Hey, these are our individual stories. We all have these, experiences on the good and the bad side of mental health and mental health care. but Hey, look, if everybody has a story and everybody's story is so different, it means it's a systemic issue. And that's exactly why we're all here.

Tanushree Sengputa: 10:22

Yeah, exactly.

Kristy Yee: 10:23

What was that experience like for you when you were admitted into the hospital

Tanushree Sengputa: 10:27

it was really weird. Like I just remember, so I remember my first night there, it was a Thursday evening. I was still like in my work clothes and, I got there and they don't allow you to have bras in the psych ward, like they don't allow you to have a bra because you can strangle yourself with it. allow you to have a sports bra, but I didn't, I mean, I had just come from the office, so I didn't have any, I didn't have anything. I had a real proper bra, so, so they took it away. was like, okay, stand here, saggy. I'm not a small person. I will say that I was saggy just the whole time I was there. All right. Whatever. So, me being braless by the way, side note is not a comfortable thing. Like I know a lot of girls love that. Not comfortable for me. Like too much here for that to be comfortable. then anyways, so, Yeah. W it was, it was a weird braless experience for me. remember getting there the first day like, my, so, like I had roommates because I was in like the, I guess, lower threat level of the psych ward. so I had a roommate, but, I remember her just like staring at me, watching me sleep. And I was just like, totally fine with it. But any, any other time, like if I'm in, I mean, I grew up in New York city. So like, if somebody is looking at me for a second too long in the subway, I'm like, what the fuck? Like, where are you looking at? Who's this person, like, I'm about to start a fight, it was just like, that's fine. I'm sorry. She's like, watch me eat breakfast. I was like, it's cool. She probably needs to do that. It's all right. She's got a reasons. So it was very much like just casual insouciance the whole time throughout. And I made friends there. Actually switched roommates at one point and it was this girl who was sleeping and she woke up and she just immediately started talking about Harry Potter and I'm like, I'm with it. So I keep in touch with her. And there's this other person that, that I met there. yeah, no, I, it was, making a sound like it was like this, this trip. No, it was not like this

Angie Yu: 12:26

Yeah.

Tanushree Sengputa: 12:26

we went on, but yeah, it was, I don't know. it was kind of a blur because I feel like I remember, I think that you would imagine someone would sit there and be very reflective and try to like analyze. And there was definitely that happening, but there was also a lot of me reading, like children's novels because there are slim pickings in the hospital library. Like I read tuck everlasting. And just stuff like that.. Like, you don't have technology, you just kind of like live. So sometimes, like there was an ice cream night and I was like, I'm living for this, like this, this is my ice cream night this is thing that's happened to me.

Angie Yu: 13:02

Wow. That's. Wow. what was the hardest part of it

Tanushree Sengputa: 13:06

it was really tough. But then at the same time, I remember just like laughing and joking with people. We were just like playing board games. Like I'm really making a sound like it was fun. It was not fun. I remember just like being so numb that I didn't know how to like be sad, properly sad about it. So I'm still like, yeah, it was definitely a bad experience cause it was numb. I knew that it was serious in the back of my mind. Like I knew that this is very serious. I have to take this seriously, but I wasn't ready to take it seriously until after I left the ward after. It was a whole different scenario, very different person. So after I left, remember going into the office for like weeks and weeks at a time, I would sit there, maybe work for like an hour or two total and just stare at the wall. And then I went home, I took the bus home, got home, turned on my TV and stared at the TV. Like I just, I just was existing. I was just a shell of a person at that point. and that lasted for months because that's when I was finally like, okay, I'm back in the real world. And I don't know how to do this. And, and I, I know that I don't want to leave. I don't want to die. I just also don't want to live, you know, that feeling. So that was existing was hard. Just simple things were hard.

Kristy Yee: 14:20

I hear you and I'm saying this in a way where I'm, I'm like, I hear what you're feeling, but I also acknowledge that every person's experience with depression and with their own mental health has also different. A couple months ago, I was in this very depressive state where I, what you had just said, I, I didn't want to die, but I also didn't want to live and I remember during that time, I thought about admitting myself back into the hospital because I remembered that when I first went into the hospital. Yeah. I, I watched beauty and the beast I read Nancy drew book in there, you know, we played board games and I had three meals every day brought to me. I didn't have to think about all those things. And yeah, it sounds like it's a good time when we say it like this, but there's also the really traumatic, scary stuff as well. Like all the doctors and people talking to you and

Tanushree Sengputa: 15:17

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 15:18

and all of those things. But, but the, the part of the memory of being in the hospital was watching a lot of movies was like talking to these kids and, trying to be friends with them. And a couple months ago, I thought I'm like, I kind of want to do that again because I cannot function in this reality right now. I can't function in my society I just want to be put in a place where I don't really have to think, and I don't really have to function the way that I'm supposed to function and that made me want to go back to the hospital because I wanted to be in a place where it was like simpler times where I can just watch Disney movies and it will be okay.

Tanushree Sengputa: 15:59

Yeah, well, I mean, wow, you got movies. I didn't have the luxury of movies. I had tucked over the last thing, which I remember I read in fifth grade and I thought it was just the greatest love story of all time. And then I read it in the psych ward and I was like, this is a 15 year old and an 18 year old in love with each other. This is kind of weird and problematic. That was just like very critical of that. It was like word, instead of thinking about my own problems. So thinking about this book. Yeah, no, no, we very much knew that it was, it sounds nice, but when we were there, we were very, there was a lot of like dark humor over there. Yeah, which I kind of enjoyed because we can't make that kind of, those kinds of jokes outside of a psych ward. It's a very special brand of comedy, where we're like, yeah, you know, we're in, we're in a resort, like all inclusive there's food, there's everything like, you know,

Kristy Yee: 16:48

So after you got diagnosed and that was when you started to feel this level of like non-existent ness, how did you overcome period of time?

Tanushree Sengputa: 17:02

Yeah. So I, it wasn't even the diagnosis. The diagnosis definitely helped because I was like, okay, this is starting to make sense. and it helped to know that I. There, there is kind of a way out of it. Like I could do therapy, so I was going to therapy and I was like trying to find medications and stuff. my first, Ooh, this is, this was a major setback for me, but my first experience. So they set you up with the therapist, before you leave. So the therapist they set me up with was within their, their system. So I visited her. It was, I want to say like four days after I left the psych ward and she was awful. she was awful. I told her that I was just like talking to her about my history with depression and suicidal thoughts and stuff. I told her, like I had had suicidal thoughts before. Like I was nine years old, the first time that happened. And I told her about that and what I was thinking, what my plan was and like how I'd acted on it. I, like, I won't get too much into like the details of that, but basically like I was using nine year old. To try to like harm myself. And it didn't work because I was nine years old and I didn't know what I was doing. And that's perfectly possible for a nine-year-old. she like, kinda laughed after about it it was very much not okay

Angie Yu: 18:19

oh, my goodness.

Tanushree Sengputa: 18:20

She was like, oh, so like, what'd you do the next day? Like you just went back to school and I'm like, well, I mean, what do you want me to do? I'm nine years old. I don't have any over where I go. My mom took me to school, so that's where I wanted to go. Cause that's what I did next. so that was a setback. I was like, wow. Like I'm at a point where I'm finally telling somebody that this actually happened to me as a child. And like, was just getting laughed at, she like kind of smirked at me. She didn't like laugh out loud, but she was definitely smirking. so that was

Angie Yu: 18:48

Okay.

Tanushree Sengputa: 18:49

people be careful with your therapist out there. I think there'll be in general is always a good idea, but like. If somebody, if a therapist makes you feel less, like you got switch or you can always switch therapists, just switch.

Angie Yu: 19:01

Yeah, I think that's really, it's really good that you advocate for yourself like that. And like when she did that, you're like, okay, no, this is not okay. And I think a lot of people, who are in vulnerable spots, like, especially if they're just kinda like going with whatever other people are telling them to do, you wouldn't know to stand up for herself like that. And yeah. Like anything in life, like there are good and there are. And there are good therapists and there are bad therapists, unfortunately. but that's, I can't believe she's marked that's.

Tanushree Sengputa: 19:28

exploring out. Okay. And it's lucky that I've always had like an attitude about other people giving me shit. I'm like, I'll abuse myself as much as I can, but like with other people try with me, no, fuck that. Like no only I have the right to hurt myself. You don't backwards logic, but that that's how it was. But for anybody else, that is somebody that isn't maybe isn't like that. Like, I, I can only imagine how bad that could have been. So then. Yeah. So I think like that was, that was definitely really hard. And then just, it was, it was just trying to spend, I just spent the next few months trying to reckon with this fact that I'm, I consider myself a pacifist. I've always I've I don't think I've ever had a violent urge. Very truly. I don't think I've ever had a violent urge. Like my, my revenge fantasies are, people are like, oh, I'm gonna pour coffee on your laptop. Like, they're not even real, you know, not like violent things. I'm like, oh, get your drawerstuck. I will like put gum in your pockets. They're not real things. Right. Kristy's like cracking up at me. Yeah. But like, I don't have violent thoughts, I had this extremely violent thought about myself. And I just couldn't reckon with that because it was like an identity thing too. Like I, I, I, I pride myself in my peaceful tendencies. and so that was hard for me too, because I was like, why, why did I let myself be the exception as a self hate really? That. one thing that helped obviously like things like therapy, whatever helped, but, the starting the podcast helps because it really just helped me connect to my surroundings my roots like the people around me and I was started to meet people. And I think like when you're depressed, you feel like you're very alone and you feel like you're the only one going through it. And just for me, best thing, the best antidote to that is always just to reach out whether it's like people or even just nature, just going outside and existing in the world. Like, I, I think that it's very easy to just live in your own universe when you're in that head space. So I just needed to get out of it.

Angie Yu: 22:32

And do you mind me asking you what it was like with your family and friends once they found out that you were

Tanushree Sengputa: 22:37

yeah. So, it was, it was. You know, it was something that I said maybe a little bit too casually. So for the first couple of months afterwards, like I was just taught, I was like talking about it. Like I knew that it was something that was kind of heavy and I probably shouldn't talk about it. But if, if a friend happened to be in touch with me, happened to reach out. I was like, oh yeah, this thing happened to me, la dee da whatever, no big deal. I didn't think about the effect that that would have on other people. So, I mean, now I think about it. So obvious if a friend comes up to me and tell me like, Hey, I want through this thing, I, I would definitely feel some type of way about it. Right. But I just didn't think about that. so I remember I told a friend of mine and she didn't really, I think she didn't necessarily know like to follow up with me about it. Like, she was definitely checking in on me and stuff, but, we didn't like sit and talk about my feelings. It was more like she was there as company, which is like, which was good. Like I needed that. It was her birthday came up like three months later and you know how girls get drunk and we're just like, reallylovey doveywith each other. And we're like, oh my God, I love you. And we're crying and we're happy. So like, we were doing that. And then suddenly we were sad

Angie Yu: 23:45

awww

Tanushree Sengputa: 23:45

or like, oh my God, I love her. And she's like, oh my God. You know, like I couldn't, I couldn't do anything for like three days. And I was like, huh, that makes sense. Like, I would have felt, I w I would have felt the same way if she had turned around and said the same thing to me too. so I just, I was, I just didn't even, I, this is what I mean. I mean, I needed to think outside of my own universe, I didn't even stop to think about what would happen, like to other people who heard this about me. Like I figured, okay, well, I didn't die, so everyone's fine. No, like there's more levels in that.

Angie Yu: 24:19

Yeah, I, you know what, that's the really hard part. when I was going through like this really rough patch for myself as well, it was kind of like shortly before I was diagnosed with bipolar and same thing. I went through this really depressed episode and there were a couple of people, including Kristy, who are really there for me. Kristy was really good at handling it because you know, she's been a mental health expert, so she was 11.

Kristy Yee: 24:41

Not an expert.

Angie Yu: 24:42

you you, have been in the realm of mental health space. Yeah. Since you were 11. Uh, but yeah, other people around me, they didn't really know like how to help. What check-in and stuff like that. And, but I did have a couple friends who told me that it was exhausting to be my friend

Tanushree Sengputa: 24:57

oh my God.

Angie Yu: 24:58

and I was, and that I was selfish and of course, for good reasons, they are no longer friends. Like I'm no longer friends with them, but I did think about it after the friendships ended, because when, we're depressed and when we're in that space where like, just trying to stay alive, the last thing we're going to think about is how we're affecting other people. Cause we're just like trying to keep our nose above the water so that we can survive another day that we forget, like, oh, and I think to the people who might not as be understanding, or maybe, maybe they're not as, well-versed in that area, it might come off really selfish. Cause like we don't really care. Anything else, except to type of like, Hey, I'm just, I need to like, make my bed and just like go lie on the couch for a bit. Right? Yeah. So the fact that I think you recognize that from your friend being like, oh my God, like I couldn't sleep for three days. I think that's a, that's a really good revelation to kind of pull us out of that hole. Do you think that helped kind of pull you out of that hole a little bit?

Tanushree Sengputa: 25:57

Yeah, definitely. I mean, in the beginning I just kept talking about it because I gave no fucks and I had no filter. Right. But after that happened, like I started being more cautious about it and I was like, all right. It just made me want to connect more, like, just keep reaching out. Whether it's like, like I traveled a bit after that. I was like making new friends. I started podcasting. I was just like, I just need to ground myself. And you'd like to it's like, I imagined myself as a tree with roots coming out and just trying to like grab onto the earth. Like, I feel like that's what I was

Angie Yu: 26:26

Hmm. I like that. imagery

Kristy Yee: 26:29

It makes me wonder now because I, as a mental health advocate, try to speak about mental health. Very openly candidly and very like, I don't give a fuck. This is what's happening. Like I have depression, you know, I, I have an anxiety attack right now. Like, I will just speak to it as if it is as if it's okay. Oh God, no, I'm uncomfortable. This is great. Every time I'm uncomfortable. I'm like, this is good stuff because our podcast this is about. But I try to speak it in a way where I'm not making it a thing, because I feel like mental health, people make it a thing. Like they were like ooo mental health, you know? And so the way I approach it with my community, my surroundings, my friends, my workplace. I speak to it as if it's any other illness. Like had a cold or I had a flu, or I went to the hospital because I had meningitis, you know, I, I had depression. I needed to stay, stay in and I needed to take care of myself. It's it's the same thing. But in this conversation, I'm thinking like,, could I be causing second hand, trauma or harm to someone else if I'm so nonchalant about it?

Tanushree Sengputa: 27:43

Hm

Kristy Yee: 27:44

And I don't, I don't have an answer to this, but it just made me question my own way of being a mental health advocate. Is that actually, am I causing more harm or, or is it, is it also harmful to just be like trigger, warning, everything. maybe that is also harmful too, because we can never. Quote unquote, normalized mental health. If we keep putting trigger warnings

Tanushree Sengputa: 28:06

yeah, no, it's a good question.

Kristy Yee: 28:08

Where's the, where's the balance?

Tanushree Sengputa: 28:10

It's it's a great question. It's a great thought that you had. I, I mean, I guess I don't have an answer for this either for me, at least the thing that I was talking about was like very heavy. was talking about a very heavy experience. Like I tried to die type of thing. Right. I don't recommend just dropping that on anybody obviously, but I have casually mentioned like, you know, I was just really depressed, so I couldn't do this thing, so I just didn't do it. I do do that. I, I don't think it's a huge bomb to drop it, but I guess it depends on your, it depends on a lot of things. It depends on your audience. I don't think I would just say that in the workplace, but, if it's an acquaintance or a friend, I would feel much more capable. It just depends who you're talking to or knowing what it is.

Angie Yu: 28:54

Yeah, don't do it drunk at a club to a random person. And I, and I that from personal experience.

Kristy Yee: 29:00

the one,

Angie Yu: 29:01

No, I I'm speaking from personal experience. Like this was when, this was, this was when, like my depression was at its worst. This was also when I was suicidal again. I also had an incident when I was nine. Like, this so serendipitous? We have like some similar events. I don't know if that's good or bad, but, I was like not in a good place and I had just started medication and I should not be mixing with alcohol, but honestly, like I, I was off of work. I took a sick leave from work and, somebody was doing like a birthday type of things or like, like some sort of party. So I went and it was one of those things where they say like, Hey, when you have depression, you can be in a room full of people, but still feel lonely. That was like exactly what I felt. It was like the epitome of that definition. And I was just willing to drop by and say hi to a couple people and then I wanted to leave, but then I stood there just like looking at everyone and everyone just looks so happy and so full of life and just loving life. And I'm just like, why can't I feel like that? I'm like, why don't I feel like that? And I walked out to the, onto the balcony and I kind of just like breathed in this fresh air, kind of looked at the city lights and I was like, you know what? I can be like that. I can totally be like that. Which, you know, not a good idea to do force yourself into a better mental state using alcohol, which is what I did that night. so instead of dropping by to say hi, I ended up staying and we ended up getting into a party bus, and then I got even more drunk. peed at Stanley park, like, we went into the club.

Kristy Yee: 30:40

It's basically central

Angie Yu: 30:41

It's basically like the central park of Vancouver. and then I made, I became like BFFs with this like one person right away, you know, when you're drunk, but then he just broke up with his boyfriend. So we were kind of like bonding over. Failed relationships. And then he ended up puking behind an alley. And I went into the club with everybody else and I was so drunk. I don't remember this. I only remember it like little blips of it in hindsight, but I was talking to some guy who I've never met before. And I was just talking to him about like, life, like philosophical stuff. Like, why is life so monotonous? How do you get through the drudgery of daily life to just eat? And I'm like, look around you. Everyone's just here drinking. Just to try to forget about their problems. When in reality, we should all be, I just like saying all this stuff at a club and this guy just sitting there like staring,

Tanushree Sengputa: 31:37

he was not the audience.

Angie Yu: 31:39

it was not the right audience. It was not the right place, not the right mental state. It was okay. Obviously in hindsight, I'm like, that's hilarious that I did that, but the next morning I was mortified. I'm like, oh my God, I'm never drinking again. cause I remember the look on his face. It was just utter fear. It was like a combination of fear and awkwardness and just shock. So, yes, back to your point, audience really matters.

Tanushree Sengputa: 32:08

Yeah. Yeah. Some people are really uncomfortable with mental health talking about it and like to does you just can't.

Angie Yu: 32:13

That's what podcasts are for.

Kristy Yee: 32:14

What is something that you are uncomfortable in sharing with your parents?

Tanushree Sengputa: 32:19

Yeah. So, oh my gosh. I have such a long mental health story. So like I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was in college. So it's been like 10 years at this point, something like that. was diagnosed and I started taking medication and oh my God. I told them that I was taking medication whatever reason. I wanted them to know. my God. I have never fought with my parents like that ever. Like, it was so bad the way that we fought. it was so like, it was just so. Ah, what's the word I'm thinking about? Animalistic I feel like is the word, but it wasn't, it wasn't like physically, like we were harming each other's. I mean, it was just very, this is a very like verbally violent, the way we were fighting with each other.

Angie Yu: 33:03

what was their stance

Tanushree Sengputa: 33:04

So their stance was very much anti-medication I was like, no, I I'm at a point where I, I just got a 1.8 GPA and that was not a cute look for me. So I was like, no, I'm definitely smarter than this. And I think there's an issue happening here. And that was when I got diagnosed with add, and, they're very much anti-medication and I was very much pro because I was like, oh, that's not just, it's not just school. It's also like my social life social also like me running errands on a Sunday, you know, just like trying to like live, like I do have ADHD My dad's nephew. So my cousin, I never met him. He died before I was born, but he died. what it sounds like I don't have the full story really. And I don't know that anyone really knows the full story, but I believe that it was a drug overdose due to prescribe medications. We're talking about India in like the seventies where a psychiatric medicine was not good. definitely very stigmatized. Who knows who he saw as he, who knows if he was even prescribed or if it was just like some drug dealer, like who knows. So anyway, he died, from a drug overdose. And so they're very much against like psychiatric medicines. And I understand that. but I was trying to tell them that like, things are different now, but they're, they're not gonna feel that way. Especially like my dad and he went through something traumatic. He lost his nephew, so

Angie Yu: 34:25

Yeah, I can, I can see where they're coming from. Like, they don't want you to have the same fate. Of course, you're their daughter and they don't want you to meet the same fate as their nephew did. but sometimes it's, yeah, sometimes they're so preoccupied with the notion of protecting. You that they forget that you have something to say as well. So how is your relationship with them now in terms of, your mental.

Tanushree Sengputa: 34:49

Yeah, so it's still, we don't really talk about my mental health. It comes up now and then I, I don't even bother telling them that I'm taking medication at this point. I think that my mom like knows, but at this point, I think she's kind of like, you know what, like, I can't do anything about it. My dad would definitely disapprove if he knew. I'm like, at this point, I know what I'm doing. I'm not going to sit here and like, take adderall just for fun. You know, I'm not doing that. I'm not taking recreational drugs. So I'm like, I don't feel bad about it if he doesn't know, it's fine. Like I'm not doing anything wrong. They do both know that I have depression. my mom has seen me, she was like visiting me in the psych ward and stuff. So she like understands the extent of it. but it's still something that we don't talk about. You know, I, I can't just walk up to my and be like, I'm having a depressive episode. I think their solution would be like, some water.

Kristy Yee: 35:46

Eat some fruit

Tanushree Sengputa: 35:47

Yeah, I got it. So I'm just like, eh, whatever, we don't have to talk about it. It's fine.

Angie Yu: 35:54

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 35:55

and, and that's something that like, you know, both Angie and I are also grappling with because it's, it's it's difficult to share with your immigrant family who like went through so much trauma of their own and then come to a brand new country to give you a better life. And then. Here you're like talking about something that they just don't understand because health is not something they've been

Angie Yu: 36:21

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 36:21

on. And when their sole thing is just survival, it kind of seems like first world problems. When you talk about mental health

Tanushree Sengputa: 36:31

Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 36:32

their eyes,

Tanushree Sengputa: 36:33

exactly what it is. They're like, what do you mean? Like, you know, you have everything in there, you know, you don't, you don't you'll get over it. Just, just wait it out type of thing. No, I never really got over it, but

Angie Yu: 36:43

Yeah.

Tanushree Sengputa: 36:43

I mean, they, they don't, they, they, they do mean, well, they just, they

Angie Yu: 36:46

Yeah, Yeah, exactly. And, I. I have a pretty good relationship with my mom. that's only because after she moved to Canada, she pursued education as well. So she's like an early childhood educator. So because of that, she has to go to all these workshops. She has to learn all these like Western methods of rearing children, you know? And, so she's a lot more understanding, like really understanding actually. And I'm so lucky to have that kind of support. And when I told my mom when I was nine and I tried to kill myself, she didn't berate me. she w I was crying, so she was crying too. She's just like, I wish you told me so I could have helped you. But then I was like, well, if I told you, then it'd be completely different, right. Because back then she didn't have the emotional tools. And I didn't tell my dad, but then she told my dad that I was diagnosed and now I'm on medication. And he would just like, you know, like back in China, You know, when I was born, like all these babies died and I'm like, what does that have to do with anything? But that's just again, right? Like they, they come from the same background, but you know, my dad's actually is a nicer person than my, well, they're both great people, but my mom, because she's had the education, she reacts differently. So I can't, I can't blame them, but it's also like a really frustrating.

Tanushree Sengputa: 38:04

Yeah, it is really frustrating. I mean, at this point it's like, I'm not going to hide anything. just also not going to actively volunteer that information. So like, my mom knows that I'm on antidepressants. You know, it was that I'm taking, Adderall or some type of drug for my attention level. I think for her, she's also just kind of, she is definitely more educated about it now, but I think she's also like she saw me in the psych ward. Like she doesn't want me to have that to happen to me again. So I think for her, it's like, just let her do this. and if it starts getting bad, like I gotta trust that my daughter will start to deal with it. If it starts getting really bad, like I'm a grownup

Angie Yu: 38:38

Yeah, you don't need to ask for permission.

Tanushree Sengputa: 38:40

yeah

Kristy Yee: 38:41

what is one thing that you're doing right now, for your own mental health?

Tanushree Sengputa: 38:45

So, oh my gosh, I, this is such a great question because the answer is effectively not much at all, it's, it's only for this very short window of time and I promise I'm going to get better at it because I'm, I'm in a, I just started grad school. Um, I'm in a training program. Thank you. I'm training to be a math teacher, this program will allow you to teach in school, will teach while you're in school. So, so that's why I say that I'm a teacher, cause I am actually teaching and I'm also in school for teaching. And so the summer program, they basically just throw you in the classroom. so I teach for four hours a day and then I have training for a couple of hours and then have class with three hours. So I'm up at six and I'm not stopping until seven 30. That's what, that's my schedule these days. It's it's okay. It's six weeks. It's not that bad. I only have two weeks left. I'm almost done, but, self care for me right now just looks like budgeting my time in a way that makes sense. And knowing how to prioritize self care a little bit later is going to be going to a spa and having a spa day, at this point, like, my schedule is so rigid, there are not a lot of options. This is probably like better. This is probably a better time for me to answer this question. Then another time where I have a lot more time on my hands for like more fun self-care sometimes self-care needs to happen when you're in a crunch. Right. For me. Yeah. Like I said, prioritizing and being really valuable with my time, but also like giving myself options. So, even with my priorities, I remember like I had this project to choose between like lesson planning for this thing, or like this project that I wanted to. And I just like, could not wrap my head around this project. I just couldn't do it. Like I was just like, this is the time that a carved up to those project and I just didn't want to force myself to do it. So I procrastinatedthat with other homework. But sometimes you just gotta give yourself choices when you're in a time crunch. I think that's the best that I have been able to do. And I, I don't negotiate my sleep. I'm sleeping seven hours a night. It's happening. It doesn't matter what's happening. And so it does make me work harder during the day, but I sleep well at night. So those couple of things have helped. I'm trying to drink a lot of water, trying to make myself some granola.

Angie Yu: 40:59

Got to incorporate some of those parental advice in there. Lots of water, lots of sleep, lots of fruits and vegetables.

Kristy Yee: 41:07

I feel like that's what a lot of. Asian parents do, like, no matter which part of Asia you're from, they're like here's some cut up fruit.

Tanushree Sengputa: 41:13

Yeah. I went to whole foods and I found this oat based whipped cream. And it's better than milk-based with cream. I'm over the dairy whipped cream. I'm over it because this is so good. And so that's like my, I can have as much as what I want type of food so it's another self-care mechanism. Right. Just have as much as you want or this one food. So I just Gorge on fruits and whipped cream.

Kristy Yee: 41:37

That sounds really good.

Tanushree Sengputa: 41:38

I try to have days where I'm mostly vegan actually down thinking about it. That kind of is a self-care technique. Cause I feel good about it at the end of the day. I'm like, all right. I was completely vegan today. I feel good about that. And like working towards

Angie Yu: 41:48

Yeah, that's actually a great way. Like insert a little bit of altruism into your daily, uh, self care routine. Yeah.

Tanushree Sengputa: 41:56

Do somebody for someone else. So it feels

Angie Yu: 41:57

Yeah. That's actually, one of the tips is when you're depressed, like what one of the coping mechanisms is like help somebody it'll make you feel better.

Tanushree Sengputa: 42:05

Yeah. Yeah.

Kristy Yee: 42:06

Well, I think we just had a really good conversation today. How are you feeling?

Tanushree Sengputa: 42:10

I feel great. I love talking to You guys You guys are great.

Kristy Yee: 42:15

One thing I want to say is your Instagram, highlight stories where it spells

Angie Yu: 42:20

Oh my God.

Tanushree Sengputa: 42:21

Yes. Thank

Kristy Yee: 42:23

yep. I want to be like, that is the

Angie Yu: 42:25

Brilliant.

Kristy Yee: 42:26

I need to tell her this. I need to be like, yo, we just talk about the first?

Angie Yu: 42:31

so good. I love it. I, when I saw that I was like, Kristy, did you see this? She's like, yeah, I already saw it. I was like, oh my God. I'm so

Kristy Yee: 42:38

I them.

Tanushree Sengputa: 42:39

I believe that it has gotten me more followers than I would normally get, and I spent so long making it happen and I'm scared to update my stories now, because then I'm going to have to update everything. you know, like the, the last highlight will go to the front then, and that's so annoying. Why doesn't it just stay in

Angie Yu: 42:56

Yeah. Oh yeah. That's true.

Tanushree Sengputa: 42:58

like scared to update them, but I'm going to have to, it's going to have to read some more, says at some point, plural, and I'm gonna have to deal with that.

Kristy Yee: 43:08

if our poop troops don't know what we're talking about, you guys are just going to have to go and check out Tanushree's Instagram page. We're going to link all of that in the show notes. Where else can our listeners find you?

Tanushree Sengputa: 43:18

yeah. So you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at the Desi condition. I feel like I'm doing the end on my own podcast and I'm like, you can find us here, here, here. you can also email us at the desi condition at gmail dot com or you can tell you that us at TDC podcast underscore, we love hearing from you. I hope you guys. I have here. hope you make good choices. Oh my God. Okay. I can't take myself seriously.

Kristy Yee: 43:45

It just rolls off the tongue after awhile, after you said it about like 5,000 times.

Tanushree Sengputa: 43:49

Yeah, exactly. Only, only that many times. yeah, you can, you can email me. You can find me on Instagram. we are also starting, what is called the Desi collaborative. as was mentioned before I have, I have a master's in industrial design. I went to our school, the whole shebang, and I noticed that there were only like a few other brown people there. And I thought that was very interesting because the south Asians are so lively and colorful with their, their artistic way. So creative, like there were, there were a lot of other Asians or there just weren't in south Asians there, which I thought was so interesting. So, I decided to, to use that space, it's kind of an offshoot of the desi condition to explore that intersection between mental health and specifically for creative professionals, that's something that I feel like it took me a long time to get over. There was something there. Right. There was something that stopped me from getting into industrial design in the first place. that's something that I want to use that space to explore and just to like connect people with each other. So yeah, you can also find us on the DC collaborative. They'll be things like, I mean, it's called the Desi collaborative, but like really it's for everybody. so we're planning to have like Q and A's and like webinars and, interviews and stuff with, with people who can just give like real valuable advice to other people and just, try to connect people with each other, particularly south Asians in the creative industries. So yeah, you can find us there. on, on Instagram at the Desi collaborative website is to come or just find out that, that they see a condition where around.

Kristy Yee: 45:20

of course, all of this is going to be in the show notes.

Tanushree Sengputa: 45:22

Yes. Love it.

Kristy Yee: 45:24

Thank you for coming onto the show and sharing your stories and talking about your experience in hospitalization, being diagnosed, sharing with your friends and family the stigmas with our parents and medication. that's the whole right? So thank you very much for sharing that with us and to our listeners.

Tanushree Sengputa: 45:43

thank you. It was great talking to

Angie Yu: 45:45

Yeah, it was so nice to meet you and to have your energy and your hilariousness on our show,

Kristy Yee: 45:55

it's feel good feedback

Angie Yu: 45:57

And today. Oh boy.

Kristy Yee: 46:09

Okay. Give us, give us the good feels. Give us the good feels.

Angie Yu: 46:14

So this, feel good feedback is from Natalie. Hello, Natalie. Natalie says just listen to episode six. It was crazy. How many times I said to myself, wait, that's not normal. That whole bridge story you talked about. I can't tell you how many times I've had similar intrusive thoughts. Mine is definitely more a conversation in my head. Ha ha but interesting. I thought the current disaster of my apartment was because of me being lazy, but I couldn't understand why I didn't have the motivation to do anything about it. Thank you, Angie and Kristy for talking about shit we don't talk about.

Kristy Yee: 46:47

As always, they make me feel good. That's why they're called feel good feedback. Thank you, Natalie, for sharing that with us. And I think what do I, what do I really want to say? Thank you for also being vulnerable with us and sharing how the bridge story spoke to you because you were also in a place of vulnerability. So thank you for.

Angie Yu: 47:10

Yeah. So that wraps up this episode with Tanushree Until next time.

Kristy Yee: 47:14

Peace

Angie Yu: 47:48

what was that?

Kristy Yee: 47:50

That was me trying to mimic our segue music.

Angie Yu: 47:54

do it again. I did not recognize it.

Kristy Yee: 48:01

Well, it was just the first two new notes. Newts. I'm not even the one who's reading Harry Potter. You're the one who's been

Angie Yu: 48:11

Oh my God. Yeah, I'm trying to fit it. I'm trying to finish the seventh book before my puppy at rise.

Kristy Yee: 48:18

Oh my God. Okay. Let me try Doon, Doon, Doon.

Angie Yu: 48:24

Okay. Gotcha. I was wondering which, which segue you were thinking about.

Kristy Yee: 48:32

Okay, we're

Angie Yu: 48:32

Yeah, let's just I'm going to stop because yeah. Okay.