Failure

Because we're not born knowing how to do anything that comes naturally to us as adults, we're literally born to fail along the way.
Whether that's learning to walk, talk or how to be calm in difficult situations. We have to learn. We have to practice. And the only way to do that is to get it wrong.
Time to embrace our failures!

Transcript

Speaker 0:02

And hello to you and welcome to the Richard Nicholls podcast, the personal development podcast series that's here to help inspire, educate, and motivate you to be the best you can be. I'm psychotherapist Richard Nicholls, and today you'll learn all about failure. And if you are ready, we'll start the show. So. What have you been up to since I spoke to you last? Have you screwed anything up? Have you tried to do something and then fell on your face and in that moment had to admit that you 100% sucked at it? If so, good. I'm glad you did.'cause if you had nothing but success at everything you did in the last month, then you might not have made any growing room at all. So. Intellectually, nonjudgmentally I bet that you fully understand that failing is an integral part of life. You've only gotta listen to some personal development podcasts for a year or so before hearing multiple times the story of James Dyson and his thousands of failed versions of his bagless vacuum cleaner. And Thomas Edison's team of people constantly failing at finding the right element for a light bulb. That same attitude as brought us, vaccines, thinner, lighter smartphones, and more efficient cars. I dunno how many versions of these things failed, because those failures didn't stop the researchers. Because they simply saw it as part of the process. Getting it wrong until you get it right. We've all experienced this, haven't we? Trying something, getting it wrong. Maybe doing something to the best of your abilities and have people knock you back and tell you to change it. It's not good enough. The thing is, we do not know what's going to succeed and what's gonna fail until we do them. We don't know what we're gonna be passionate about until we do something. Try something. We have to take chances. We have to take risks, and we have to fail along the way. But what if you've been told all your life that you are not supposed to fail? At school, it's pass or fail. At work, it's success or under performance. On social media, it's curated wins, filtered perfection. And when we don't measure up, when something falls apart, when we try and it doesn't work, It can feel personal, deeply personal. But the thing is, failure is information. That's all. It's not a verdict on your worth. It's not a tattoo stamped across your forehead that says, not good enough. It's feedback. Sometimes painful feedback, but feedback nonetheless. But the brain doesn't like it. Our brains are prediction machines. They're constantly trying to guess what's gonna happen next so that we can stay safe. When we set a goal, whether that's starting a business, applying for a promotion, beginning a relationship, even committing to a new habit, like going to the gym three times a week, the brain creates an expectation. A little internal movie about how it's all gonna go. When reality doesn't match that prediction. It flags it up as a problem, a threat even. You might feel a flush of shame, a tightness in your chest, a desire to hide, to quit, to never try again.'cause if I don't try, I can't fail. And that's the trap. You see, avoiding failure doesn't protect your self-esteem. It actually shrinks it. Slowly, quietly, shrinks it. Because every time you don't try, there's a whisper underneath it all that says, probably couldn't have done it anyway. Failure on the other hand, gives you certainty. Not always the certainty you wanted, but certainty. I tried. This didn't work. Now what? And that question. Now what? That's where growth lives. We know from decades of psychological research that mastery comes from repeated attempts, not from effortless talent. The people who appear naturally gifted at something have almost always failed more times than you realise. You just didn't see it. You only saw the polished performance at the end. And sometimes we confuse failing with being a failure. They are not the same thing. One is an event. The other is an identity. And identities stick, if we repeat them often enough in our own self talk. If you say, I failed at that exam, that is a statement about something that's happened. If you say, I'm useless. That's a statement about who you believe you are, and that's a big difference. But in the moment when you've put your heart into something and it collapses, it doesn't feel like feedback. It feels like rejection. It feels like embarrassment. It feels like everyone else is watching and judging and shaking their heads. Most of the time they're not. They're too busy worrying about their own stuff. Failure also builds something that success can't. Resilience. When everything goes right, we don't stretch, we don't adapt. We don't have to think creatively. It's when things go wrong that we're forced to reassess, to learn, to tolerate our discomfort, to regulate emotion, to sit with disappointment without it defining us. That's emotional maturity. And it's slow, frustratingly slow. Sometimes failure is simply life redirecting you. I've worked with clients who were devastated after not getting a job that they've said they desperately wanted. It felt like the end of the world. Months later, they're in a different role, one that maybe suits them far better. They can look back and see that that original rejection was a turning point. But at the time though, it just hurt. We don't have to pretend that failure is actually pleasant'cause it isn't. It bruises the ego, it challenges our sense of competence. It can make us question ourselves. But questioning yourself isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it leads us to refinement rather than retreat. There's also something incredibly human about failing. It connects us. If you only ever present yourself as successful, invulnerable, untouchable, you become distant, hard to relate to. But when you admit, yeah, I messed that up. People do lean in. They recognise themselves in you because failure can humble us. And humility is fertile ground for empathy. Now, I do need to say this, that not all failure is actually useful, in the same way. Repeating the same behaviour over and over again without reflection isn't growth. That's just looping. The usefulness comes from the awareness. From asking gently, what can this teach me? Not what's wrong with me, but what can this teach me? That shift alone can protect your self-esteem. And I don't get why society doesn't see failure as acceptable, but it doesn't does it? But it must have done at some point. How can we learn what to do and how to do anything without finding out what not to do and how not to do it? Whether that's 2 million years ago with Palaeolithic, ancient humans trying to figure out the best way to make an axe, or nowadays trying to figure out how to, I don't know, apply oil paint onto a canvas without it looking dull or how to make a great lasagna that doesn't taste bland or how to parent well. We are not born knowing how to walk, talk, how to drive a car, how to ride a bike, how to be calm in difficult situations, how to take criticism. We have to learn. We have to practise to get good at it. Not perfect. And I know people will say, practise makes perfect. I've been saying it all my life too. But what is perfect anyway? In most situations in life, we're not striving for perfect, just progress. So rather than practise makes perfect, we should be saying practise makes progress. And the only way to progress is to practise. And in that practise you will get it wrong. Cause if we don't, if we don't get it wrong, then we don't progress and we have to get it wrong. We have to at times simply fall in the mud right on our face, mouth open with a gob full of mud, and go. Oh, that does not taste good. And we spit it out and we stand up and we clean ourselves and we try again. And we learn from our mistakes. But we can't learn if we're in a state of fear or shame. Otherwise, all we learn is how to feel ashamed or scared. And if we fear failure, if we fear falling on our face, then that's what we learn. To fear. And we have to accept and even embrace, I think, the process of failing along the way. Like a professional gambler does, it's just what they do. They take the losses and enjoy the profits. They take the wins knowing that there's gonna be losses along the way, because that's just the game that they're playing. It's not a game for me, gotta be honest. I think that's taking risks a bit too far. But whatever we are learning, and no matter how long we've been trying, we need to accept the failures. I put something on Instagram last week. If you use Instagram, do follow me. I only post the positive stuff. It's never things like, oh, look at how great my life is. My life is fantastic. I don't do that sort of stuff. So It can be quite nice to dilute down the posts from people who you might feel drained by. Although there is a mute button on everyone you follow. If you don't wanna see your friend's baby pictures, but you don't wanna have to actually unfollow them, you can just mute them. Anyway, you might end up muting me for all I know. I dunno. But I shared this post from an artist called Jacqueline, don't know her surname. Sorry, Jacqueline. She doesn't share it, I think. That's probably why I don't know it. But she draws these lovely little simple characters with some optimistic messages and she'd written one that said The world starts to look different when you go from I can't do it, so I won't try. To, I'm going to try and it's okay if I fail, because I'll learn and grow. And I thought, I love that I'm having that. I'm gonna share that. And credit Jacqueline or the Chi Bird as she calls it, it's on Instagram. Have a look at what I've put. And that sort of attitude, you know, we'd say that to anyone else if they needed support, wouldn't we? We'd encourage them. We'd say It's okay. Be proud of trying. We'd say that we'd support them. Well, we need to support ourselves as well, don't we? We can't have one rule for one and another for another because we are not an exception. And if in struggling, if in getting things wrong. Failing, falling down, and more importantly than getting back up. Then it trains our determination. It trains our grit, our stubbornness, it strengthens our resilience muscles. If you've never failed at something, then those muscles are gonna be very weak and we are gonna crash and burn. I've seen it many, many times, especially with teenagers. Well-meaning parents will support and encourage and they'll tell their kids all the right things to make them feel loved and appreciated. But they'll struggle to find the middle ground between encouraging love and encouraging growth. So those children don't see their mistakes. They don't stretch their comfort zones. They go to an outstanding OFSTED rated school, and the school is so desperate to keep that rating that they spoon feed those kids their education to get them through their GCSEs. So that then, when they leave and they go to college, they crash.'cause they've only ever been taught how to pass exams, how to succeed. They've never actually been taught how to think for themselves. And it's not their fault. They've done nothing wrong, but then they're criticised by the rest of the population for thinking that they're entitled and self-important. Because that's what they've been taught, that they are. And the real world shows them that actually they are no more important than anybody else. And rather than help them to feel on the same level and just as worthy as everyone else, it doesn't. It pushes them lower because they've lost something that was always there, this safety net that protected them from pain. This lack of failure. That means they've never been able to strengthen their resilience. And of course this isn't conscious. I mean, some of it is, sometimes it might be of course, but a lot of it is just running around in the background of their mind, in the unconscious processes, in the things that become our instincts. So that when we have to apply for 200 jobs just to get an interview, when we have to have 10 interviews before we are eventually offered a job, the brain doesn't associate it with rejection. It doesn't hurt as much. Because we've learned that we can have things not go the way we want and be okay with that. And putting yourself out there into situations that could lead to failure will strengthen those muscles. But of course, we can protect ourselves from the possibilities of failure, though, can't we? We can never put ourselves out there and never take the risks, because if you do that, then you can't fail. You can't fail if you never try. You can't fail if you don't apply for those jobs in the first place. And then that becomes the safety net. Maybe even then, there's this sort of control freak attitude that keeps us safe from harm. But it doesn't. It just makes a worse harm, a different sort of pain, a different sort of failing, and that's one that doesn't grow our resilient muscles. It's one that grows our sense of helplessness and hopelessness. And that's not one we wanna strengthen. So if you've failed more times than you can count, be okay with that. It means you're doing the right thing, not the wrong thing. You're putting yourself out there. You're taking chances and grasping opportunities. That's a great thing. Well done. You just need the right perspective on those failures and be proud of yourself for showing up every day and getting on with it. Because when you have a failure, it doesn't mean you are a failure. It might mean that you are on a journey that maybe there are things to learn, things to practise, but it doesn't mean that you are a failure, just that you had a failure. If you failed recently, whatever that means for you. I'd invite you to sit with it for a moment. Not to wallow, just to observe. Notice the story you're telling yourself about it. Notice the tone of any inner voice. Is it cruel? Is it sarcastic? Is it catastrophising? Well, would you speak to a friend that way? Probably not. So why speak to yourself like that? The brain learns through repetition. If every failure is followed then by harsh self-criticism, your nervous system will start to associate trying with the emotional danger. And of course, then you'll avoid risks, won't you? Who wouldn't? But if failure is followed by curiosity, by compassion, by problem solving, the brain starts to code it differently. It becomes part of the process rather than proof of inadequacy. Also, do bear in mind you are allowed to fail at things that aren't for you. You're allowed to discover through trying and stumbling and awkward attempts that something doesn't fit. That doesn't make you flaky. It makes you informed. We don't shame toddlers for falling when they're learning to walk. We expect it. We smile, we encourage them to get back up. We understand that wobbling is part of the deal. Somewhere along the way, we forget to grant ourselves the same kindness. So maybe failure isn't the opposite of success. Maybe it's part of it. Maybe it's the rough draught, the rehearsal, the data collection phase, the compost that helps something better grow. Bit messy but useful. If you're in the middle of something that feels like a failure right now, I'm not gonna insult you by saying that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things just happen, but I will say this. You are not your worst moment. You are not your last mistake. You are not defined by a single outcome. Failure can shrink you or it can shape you. The choice, as uncomfortable as it is, often comes down to the story you decide to tell next. And on that note, I'm gonna leave you with a simple question. If this failure was a teacher, not a judge, what would it be trying to show you? Have a think about that. So go forth you beautiful people and see what you can fail at this month. Embrace it, strengthen those resilience muscles and get stronger every time. And let's see where it takes you. Have a super duper week and of course I'll be back on Friday with a five minute bonus episode. And if you want to hear more from me or you'd like to support my fundraising charitable stuff, do please look me up on Patreon. And if you do. I'll speak to you there on Monday. All right, Ta-ra.