Attention Seeking

Attention seeking gets used as an insult, doesn't it. But wanting to be noticed is one of the most fundamental human drives we have. Today I'm looking at why we got this so badly wrong, and what's actually going on when someone gets labelled that way.

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Happy Friday. Hope you're doing all right. It's bonus episode day. And today I want to talk a little bit about attention seeking. 'cause I had a slightly odd thought the other week. Well, odd for normal people maybe, but if you spend your life overthinking human behaviour like I do, then this sort of thing pops into your head all the time. But I was thinking about the fact that I'm a podcaster and I'm involved in amateur dramatics. I stand on stages in front of strangers and pretend to be somebody else. And then when I'm not doing that, I'm sitting in a room with a microphone, talking to people onto the internet hoping that people are gonna listen to me for 15 minutes every Monday and five bonus minutes on a Friday. Which, when you say it out loud like that does sound a bit like attention seeking, doesn't it? And attention seeking tends to get used as an insult, doesn't it? And it really shouldn't. Because every single one of us seeks attention every day. The way we dress, the things we say, the funny mug on our desk. We're constantly sending out signals that say, I'm here. Notice me. I exist. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's just being human. Because we all need attention. We all need to feel seen. We need to know that we matter. It's one of the ways we experience connection and safety. When people use the phrase attention seeking, though, they usually mean someone is being too much, too emotional, too dramatic, too needy. But often what's underneath that is not a desire to be the centre of the universe. It's a need that hasn't found a better way of being expressed. 'cause if someone grows up learning that their quiet needs just go unnoticed, they may have to learn to become louder. If calm doesn't bring comfort, but distress does, then distress can become the language they use, not deliberately just because it worked or worked enough. And then years later, they're described as attention seeking and nobody asks what they might need that attention for. Is it reassurance, closeness? Is it fear of being forgotten or abandoned? Is it a genuine struggle that hasn't been taken seriously? There's nearly always some need for proof that we exist underneath it all. And needing proof that we exist is baked into our operating system. You've only gotta watch some examples of the still face experiments with babies to see how freaked out we get when we are ignored. Now we are not babies anymore and we've got other parts of our brain online as adults. But we don't stop caring about connection just because we grow up. So a partner goes quiet on us, or a friend stops replying. Something in us is gonna start reaching for something. And sometimes we might become funny or helpful or angry. Sometimes we might withdraw in a way that secretly hopes that somebody's gonna notice. And all of that can get labelled as attention seeking. But often it's connection seeking or reassurance seeking a nervous system that's asking do I still matter? Now if you're at the receiving end of someone who seems to need constant reassurance or validation, totally understand that that can be quite draining. You are not a bad person for finding that hard. But calling them attention seeking is rarely gonna help. Neither is withdrawing completely from them. What can help is being gently direct. If you think somebody's having a hard time, say, I think you, are you having a hard time? What do you need from me right now? Naming their need or figuring out their need rather than attacking their behaviour. And if you're the one who's being accused of being attention seeking, it might be worth asking yourself quite kindly, what is it you are actually reaching for? What's that need underneath? And is there a more direct way to ask for it? 'Cause I feel lonely today, can we spend some time together? That's a really vulnerable thing to do, but the sideways route often gets attention without meeting the need. It makes the noise, but it doesn't bring much peace. So perhaps attention seeking isn't always the best phrase. Perhaps sometimes we should call it what It really is. A wish to matter. I wish to be met. I wish to know that someone is still there. And that's not weakness. That's just being human. So take care of yourselves. Have a super duper weekend if you need anything, you know where I am. Take care folks. Bye for now.