Short Stuff: Bullying

This week we're talking about bullying, and not just the playground kind. We dig into how being bullied as a child can leave a lasting mark on the nervous system, even when home life was safe and loving.

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Bullying 0:00

Hey there folks. It's short stuff day today 'cause it's Friday, but it's what you do with it that counts according to Cosmopolitan magazine. So short or not, I think this is a useful topic because I'm talking about bullying today. So if you were bullied as a kid, even if it was years ago, even if life is genuinely good now, there's a decent chance you've got a voice in your head that's a bit too quick to tell you, you're not good enough, too sensitive, too much, or not enough. And I wanna talk about where that voice actually comes from because I think it gets misunderstood. Most people assume that voice is just them, like it's their personality, their honest self-assessment. Even if it's because of what you were taught by other people when you were young, it still feels like it's your voice. And because it's your voice, it feels true. It feels like insight, like the one voice that really knows what's going on, the one that isn't fooled by how well things might be looking on the surface. And that's what makes it so sticky, isn't it? Other people can even tell you that you're doing fine and you can maybe believe them in the moment, but that inner voice has got a sort of seniority. It's been there longer. It talks first and it talks loudest, especially if you're tired or stressed or if somebody's given you a bit of feedback you weren't expecting. But one thing you have to recognise is that that voice had to come from somewhere. Nobody's born with a built-in critic saying, everybody secretly thinks you're annoying or you'll mess this up like you always do. That's not factory settings. That's been installed. And for a lot of people it gets installed during exactly the kind of experience I talked about in an episode on Patreon a few weeks ago, being bullied. Because here's what happens in the kid's head when they're being bullied, and it's actually quite logical when you think about it. A child doesn't have the tools to think. This person has chosen me as a target because of something going on with them. That explanation is too abstract, too far outside their control. What they can do, what feels more manageable is think there's something about me that's causing this. 'cause if it's about you, maybe you can fix it. Maybe if you just figure out the thing, work harder on it, hide it better, whatever, it'll stop. So the child starts scanning themselves for the flaw and whatever the bully has said, even if it was completely made up, even if it was just whatever insult happened to Lan that day, it gets filed away as data. Evidence. And that voice doesn't clock off when the bullying stops. It just keeps running the same programme years later in completely different rooms with completely different people. None of whom think any of those things about you at all. So if you've got a voice like that, I want you to try something and it sounds almost too simple, but stick with it. Next time it pipes up, just ask it. Whose voice is this, really? Not in some big dramatic confrontation kind of way. Just genuinely curious, is this actually my assessment of this situation? Or is this an old recording playing on a loop? And sometimes you'll be surprised what comes up. People often tell me they can actually picture where it came from. Once they stop and look. A teacher, a group of kids, sometimes even a turn of phrase, the exact words someone used decades ago, still doing the rounds in their head. Word for word. And once you can see it that clearly, it's quite hard to keep treating it as genuine. 'cause once you can hear it as a recording rather than the truth, you've already changed your relationship to it. Now, you don't have to argue with it or shout it down. You don't even need to win the argument. You just stop automatically believing everything it says, which when you think about it, is actually quite a big shift. Anyway, that's the bonus thought for this week. If you want the full episode that this came from, the one where we go properly into how bullying affects the nervous system, how it shows up later at work and in relationships, and the things that help with all of that, that's over on the main feed for patrons on Patreon. Come and join us if you fancy it. There's a new episode every week. Anyway, time to go. Enjoy your week. I'll speak to you again very soon. See ya.