253 - How To Fix Your Social Media Problem(?)

We need to talk mental health a bit, and then I'll share my views on social media and give you a couple ways you can think about/work on curbing your doomscroll time. 

Mentioned in this podcast:

I was on the "Normalize The Conversation" podcast with Francesca Reicherter. Such a fun time talking with her. You can listen to the episode here:

Watch Normalize The Conversation on:
Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/4jRxkfg2SjvzkCidaUG3ho
Apple Podcasts - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/normalize-the-conversation/id1587903841
Pandora - https://www.pandora.com/podcast/normalize-the-conversation/PC:1000701501
iHeartRadio - https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-normalize-the-conversation-88766189/
Audible - https://www.audible.com/pd/Normalize-The-Conversation-Podcast/B09YWS78NZ

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJOhi4oo-CEczvZLumpm6zaiFBwQVDtWB

Learn more about Francesca at Inspiring My Generation and donate to the cause! 

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Transcript

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How many of you love that title? The title of today's podcast? You don't tell me how to fix my what problem. I don't have a problem. Social media problem. I don't have a problem. You have a problem. But let's say I know somebody that wants to get their uh social media use under control. Tell me, anyways. I'm listening. All right, let's discuss social media then. You are listening to ADHD Big Brother, the podcast for adults struggling with their ADHD, their comorbid depression, their anxiety. Oh, it's just a new. I'm your host and your ADHD Big Brother, Rush Jones. I've got ADHD too. I've got depression as well. It's crapastic. So let's learn some stuff. Let's laugh at some stuff. Let's make some commitments to do some stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, here's some stuff. Welcome to the podcast. How's your summer going so far? Are you getting out there? Are you enjoying the sun? Do you even live in a place where there is sunshine? I live in Los Angeles, so it's stupid hot in the summertime. It makes me really miss the Pacific Northwest. I mean, I grew up right in the northwest corner of Washington State. The winters there are like the summers here. Like by the end of winter, I'm like, okay, I'm sick of the winter. I would like some sunshine. Down here, it's sort of like I'm sick of the sunshine. Somebody dump rain on me. Speaking of heat, let's talk about the hot topic. That's dumb. The hot topic for me today is social media. So I thought I would ramble on about it a little bit and give you guys some options if you're looking to get on the other end of your social media addiction or uh situationship, maybe, under if you want to get it under control. I wanted to talk about this because I was having a really cool chat uh with my girlfriend about it the other day. Um, we had a great chat about my my own mental health. I get really frustrated um when I start to have these ideations. Um, and so this is part of my mental health report, all right? We're trying to normalize talking about our skull spaghetti, right? The good, the bad, and the weird. So every week I will share how I'm what's going on in my mental health. You know, we're not always fine. So let's just let's just fucking talk about it. You know what? Let's just have a chat. I'll have these mornings where my autopilot thoughts are dwelling on I don't know how what would it be like if I wasn't around. Or it's like casual. It's so fucking casual and stupid. It's not, I'm not even in a low mood state. I'm just dwelling. Um, it's literally what my brain is deciding to consider. And it's really ridiculous. It's not okay. Um, so I obligate myself to bring it up to someone because you know, that's part of my self-care regimen. That's what I've prescribed unto myself. It's not pleasant. I'm like, okay, great, now I have to burden someone, but I highly recommend this to everyone. You keep people in the loop of your mental health, burden them. Oh my God, even if it feels like you're burdening them, or that whole, oh my God, I'm making it all about me, or the ones that I feel are like, oh God, I'm just being so dramatic, or I should just be able to change my mindset. I should just be able to, you know, flip a switch, you know, cognitive distortion, unwind it, you know, get the journal out. I'll do it privately, secretly on my own. I don't know. We're trying to normalize the conversation, so why not just fucking conversate about it? And speaking of that, here you go. I I was literally just on the podcast of the name Normalize the Conversation with my new friend Francesca. Uh, she's amazing. Uh, it's a really great, important, needed podcast. I highly recommend checking out her work. Um, I'll link the conversation to our episode in the show notes and the YouTube channel and her website. I was actually I was in an actual depressive episode while we were recording the episode. And I encourage you to listen to it or watch it. See if you can tell. I don't think you can. That's how sneaky these things are. We really have to pay attention to the people in our lives that might be struggling. It's really hard to do. And you have to understand that depressos, we will, and I'll just speak for myself. I don't want to speak for everyone that's all the varying levels of depression. I'm just gonna speak for me. I know that we're all different flavors. We aren't always just gonna come out and spout off when we're down, no matter how many times you tell us that you want us to do that and that it's okay. Um, I'm getting really good about it because I've set up rules for myself and you know, but the barrier of being a burden, quote unquote, it's a big one. And so sometimes you on the other side of it have to be able to walk through the barrier and do some of that heavy lifting to check in. Um, because you're not always gonna know when someone is sinking. To be frank with you, or no, I'll actually stay, Russell. To be real with you, in my darkest of depresso moments, I will make you laugh. I will find your joy noise, as I believe the great Pete Holmes would say. I will spiritually tickle it out of you, and then your joy becomes my band-aid. So again, I really don't believe any of this stuff is managed solo. We don't just get over our depression on our own. We don't just manage our ADHD on our own. As much as we think we can do it, as much as we're all hungry for answers, and just tell me how to do it and I'll create a mega system and I'll do it on my own. I haven't really seen that. I haven't experienced it. Give me any person with ADHD that completely has their shit together, you know? First show me that person. But if if if that person, that's witchcraft. I'm sorry. I'm just that's there is some sort of uh dark magic happening. I'll bet you anything I could point to a person or persons in their life that helps or is some form of support, right? No, I'm an ADHD person and I always show up to appointments on time. Well, okay, but maybe they show up on time because they really don't want to let their lunch date down. So they get there an hour early, or their house gets cleaned when a family member comes to stay with them, or they get their work in on time because their boss might fire them. That's other people. I just I personally don't understand the drive that we all have, and I had this big time. Maybe it's our ego that we have to be able to show the world how we don't need help from the world to succeed in the world. Like nobody is who is successful is successful because they did it all on their own. That's not real. So why are we trying to find out where that line in the sand is on what's appropriate to need help for? I don't know. Is it the laundry? Is laundry too much of a thing that we shouldn't need help with? I'm building a business, so sure I need help with that, but um, I should be able to just do the laundry without declaring my intentions to an accountability partner. Like, why? Who the fuck cares? There's a little bit of like that we need to check our ego at the door for some of this stuff. We need to get over ourselves a little bit. It's probably easier for me now because I've been doing the whole like give and get support thing for years now, but I just really want the laundry to be dead. I want to have did at it. Like, who gives a shit how it happens? I'll freaking I'll create a laundry challenge inside my membership, inside of ADHD Brother. Yeah, where a bunch of other adults with ADHD will cheer me on. Some will play along, and ultimately I'll give myself a badge for succeeding at the quote unquote laundry challenge. I don't fucking care that it's childish. I would prefer life to be a little more childish, to be honest with you, because I like to play games. Oh my god, that's uh I'm sidetracked right now. Mental health report, mental health report is hey, I'm actually doing good. I'm super glad to have an Emily. She's amazing. There's zero judgment with that stuff. It's pretty rad. Um, all right, I want to talk about social media. Emily and I were discussing how okay, social media is something that I despise. That's just my opinion. I hate it. She does not. That's cool. That's okay. We're gonna make the relationship work, guys. But I eliminated all of it. I got rid of all of it. No TikTok, no Instagram, no LinkedIn, no Facebook, none of it. Um, so if any of you are trying to find me on a social media platform, just see what kind of content I'd but it's not out there. Thank you for listening to the podcast. This is my content. If you want to know, if you're curious or you want to know anything about me, you just have to ask Russ at adhbigbrother.com. That is my email, or you can go to adhbigbrother.com and click on the contact form. There. You have access to me, you know how to reach me. That's how society works, right? That's how community works. Here I am. If you want to talk, let's talk. I would love to talk. But I was telling her that I'm so I'm running a business. I have to find new people. Social media is the quick answer, right? You need more eyeballs. Well, there you go. And Emily had the greatest analogy for it. I was telling her that I don't feel good marketing to people on a platform that's wrecking their lives. Like it's an addiction to many people. And the argument is that, well, that's where your people are hanging out, but I don't like that concept. Emily's example, like her analogy when explaining, was so good. She was like, oh, I see. It's like having your Alcoholics Anonymous picture on a beer bottle. I just I don't know. I think that's so accurate. A big part of how I work as a productivity coach for adults with ADHD is I use the prochaskas, uh, the trans theoretical model of the stages of behavior change, right? This is all relating to behavior change. There is a phase of behavior change called pre-contemplation. And pre-contemplation is when a person is like, they're more than six months out from attempting a behavior change, not completing the behavior change, but the act of deciding to implement and start working on the behavior change. And this is how I see many people who are doom scrollers. They don't have a problem, they'll justify it, right? I need it to unwind. I like to unwind. I use it to connect. Would just be cool if you know I didn't do it as much, you know, I could get under control, but I enjoy it. I like being in touch. So to me, I think, well, so what's the point of being in front of someone for a millisecond while they're doom scrolling? I mean, you know, maybe I put something out there that they giggle at and then off they go. Or maybe I poke them in the pain point. But in pre-contemplation, that's just gonna make them feel like shit for a millisecond while they're already kind of feeling like shit because they're trapped in a doom scroll for the past hour. I don't know. It's I I just don't want any part of it. People in pre-contemplation, they're easily over six months away from transitioning into contemplation, which that is also when you're in contemplation, you're still up to six months from actually making a go at the behavior change. So to effectively market on this level, it would be I would be needing to move people from pre-contemplation to contemplation. And that's not my role. I don't want any part of that. I'm not here to tell people what they need to do. I'm here to help people who want change and who are ready for change. I'm gonna support them and stick with them and help them change. I'm not deciding anything for anybody. You want to do scroll, you doom scroll. You're in pre-contemplation and you love doom scrolling to unwind, then that's what you fucking do, man. Good for you. That's that's awesome. Nothing's a problem until it's a problem. So I don't coach people on how to moderate. But let's say you're you're a person like most of the people that I coach one-on-one who have some aspect of doom scrolling that is negatively impacting their life. And they are between contemplation and action, right? Hiring a coach was their way of planning to take action. So now they're they're going for it. I don't coach people on how to moderate social media. I don't think that exists. I think digital detoxes, I think that's pointless. That's like what you're gonna stay off cocaine for like a week. I just need a cocaine break for a week. I'm just gonna reconnect with myself without cocaine. I need to show myself that I'm not addicted to cocaine and then I'm gonna ease myself back into cocaine. Tell the world, hey, I'm back. Did you miss me? I stopped snorting cocaine because it was bad. And now I'm coming back refreshed and I'm snorting only a good amount of cocaine, a responsible amount of cocaine. It's a non-problematic amount of cocaine. I've actually hired someone to snort the cocaine for me. So it's never gonna get out of hand ever again. I don't know. I think that analogy kind of went sideways, but anyway. Um, one of the reasons that ADHD Big Brother, it's not built on a platform like Facebook is because they're just nasty platforms to me. Social media, to me, it represents the worst of us. Like my interpretation of it is that everybody posts only their greatness on social media, and then people only comment harsh, blunt judgments. That's not all of it, I know that. But it certainly is the spotlight, don't you think? If we're all talking about it, that's what everyone would agree to. And that was my experience on social media from what I saw. I don't think it represents the best of humanity. So you juxtapose that with a community where people post their struggles, they post what isn't working, their self-criticisms, and then then the comments, they're all supportive and welcoming and hopeful and without judgment. You know, nobody is saying, you don't have it hard, I have it harder, or that's not a problem, or you just gotta suck it up. That's the ideal version of humanity to me. So my question to you then is what do you want to do? Who do you want to be? What level of social media do you want? I'm a black and white dude. I lean heavily into rules. I think that is massively helpful with ADHD. Take away choice, make it easier, know the rule, and then suffer through it repeatedly until you don't anymore. And the only way to suffer through things is to bring in other people, accountability, support, because we are only ever a shitty day away from just turning back onto autopilot, a bored day from just turning back onto autopilot, or a kick-ass day where we deserve a break and we're gonna just turn on autopilot because we earned it. Long story short, the brain will always give you a reason to go back to the old ways. If you're somebody that's in the planning mode to change this behavior of your social media usage, I will suggest some things that are working inside ADS Sheba Brother. We've had two members create challenges around phone usage. Our challenges live in perpetuity, which means like anyone can join, start a challenge at any time. And one was about curbing the doom scrolling, and one was about 30 days of a morning phone rule and an evening phone rule. The beauty of challenges, especially inside our membership, is that like you can create the rules that work for your life, and then you make it visible, and then the community gets to support the effort. I'm a huge fan of gamified challenges as a method for making behavior change because behavior change it requires effort, right? An effort that has no dire consequence one way or the other is incredibly difficult for an ADHD brain. Making it a game takes the attention away from the shitty task and puts it on gameplay, playing a game. Creating black and white rules is super helpful. I think the rule that I put for myself during that one challenge was no phone in the bed. The bed is for sleeping. So when I go to bed at night, I cannot bring my phone with me. There's no world, I there's no world where people are like, I'm gonna bring the phone into bed with me, but I'm gonna do it in moderation. I'm gonna be good about it. That's not real. Unless you can be someone that sets a timer for 30 minutes and you're allowed to have your phone in your bed for 30 minutes. But the second that timer goes off, no matter what, you throw the phone away, you put the phone away, you don't try to do that transition out. That's how 30 minutes turns into three hours. Creating the black and white rules, I think, is super helpful. We have a gentleman in my group coaching that he created a rule and then outsourced it to his daughter. So his daughter has the password to his phone and he he doesn't have it. And she's tasked with not giving him the password until like 6 p.m. That's great. Kids probably love to torture their parents and to reverse parent. You know what I mean? So his Reddit usage went from 16 hours in the week to three and a half. So he got 12 and a half hours of life back. And the rhetorical question here is how many of those 12.5 hours would you regret not giving to Reddit? Nobody ever hindsight and says, God, I wish I would have spent more time on Reddit last week. I really need to up my Reddit reading. So then what to do with all that extra time? Not everyone is going to be as harshly black and white as me on this. So I'm not saying delete all your social media accounts. But how about this? I'll ask you, all of you late in life, ADHD years, take some time and ask yourselves what is the right amount of social media for you that's acceptable to you for staying in touch or for protecting yourself against the trolls or whatever it would be. Like give yourself the fun time. You know, you enjoy the dog reels or the recipes or the fitness tips, right? Whatever. You determine the appropriate level for you and then create rules. What are those rules? And then, and here's the reality of it all who are you gonna enlist to help you with that? Who will be your other people? ADHD and behavior change, it's not a one-man show. You don't just say you're gonna be different and then voila, all on your own. It's you're like new. I did a mindset shift, and now I do everything. Nobody does that. There are industries of other peoples that are hired to be your other people. We have spouses and friends and children and family and co-workers. Nobody goes off and cocoons on their own and emerges a butterfly with no help from anyone. Jesus didn't do it. He had his dad. He had the he had the ultimate accountability buddy. Yeah, find your people. Seriously, you do have other people. You have me, you have the entire ADHD Big Brother membership at your disposal. I would love you to join for a month. Do it right now. 30 days. Get your free coaching call with me. That comes with it. That's your other people right there. I'll show you right where those social media and phone use challenges are, and then you can go for it for 30 days with support. I will support the shit out of you. Supporting you is my happy place. All right, that'll do it for this week. As always, guys, if you have any questions about anything that I'm talking about ever, you can go to adhcbigbrother.com, click on contact. That's me. I am contact. Goes right to my inbox. If I can help you, I will. Tell me your social media story, make it visible to me what your plans are, do all of that. And if you're still in pre-contemplation, then here's your homework. Do a pro and con list on your social media usage. When the pros to the behavior change vastly outweigh the cons, then you are ready to move to the next level of behavior change. You can do it. I believe in you. And with that, I hope you have a fantastic week. And I shall talk to you later.