259 - ADHD and Working Through the Tension

Is it wrong to be oppositional? I feel passionately oppositional sometimes! Or could it be that our inner compass is telling us we are not in alignment with something? I'll share my journey and thoughts about my leaving social media. 

Let's also talk about why the answer to getting past the tension of a crappy task isn't to figure out how to make the task have less tension. It might not even be to make the task more fun. It might very well be looking at elevating the tension elsewhere! Let's discuss! 

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I read through what I wanted to talk about on the podcast this week because there's a lot of passion and a healthy dose of opposition. Oh yeah, because I'm passionately oppositional. Might be opening up a can of worms with this one, but uh won't know till we crack her open. Let's go. You are listening to ADHD Big Brother, the podcast for adults struggling with their ADHD, their comorbid depression, their anxiety. Oh, it's just a new. I'm your host and your ADHD Big Brother, Rush Jones. I've got ADHD too. I've got depression as well. It's craptastic. So let's learn some stuff. Let's laugh at some stuff. Let's make some commitments to do some stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, here's some stuff. Welcome to the podcast. Hi, how you doing, oh I gotta excuse me. I'm glad you're here. Hi. Man, we've had a busy August, haven't we? Holy crap, school's getting back in session. Uh, if you've got the kiddos, my kids are already back in school. Back to it we go. So we're gonna kick things off with the mental health report. So every episode we share what's going on in the old mental, the mental, in the mental space. You know, we're just normalizing talking about our school spaghetti. It's the good stuff, the bad stuff, the weird stuff. We're not always fine. So let's be cool with uh being vulnerable about it, right? I'll share my garbage, you share yours, and maybe our garbage, I don't know, doesn't stink as much as a result. You never, never know. Um, all right, I'll go first. I've had a pretty solid week this past week, so awesome, feeling good. My kid was in an acting showcase that was super fun. He did a great job at the Universal Hilton. That was so awesome. Had some good client calls. Uh, the work was good last week. Had a super fun date night with Emily. We got an episode of Ted Lasso in there. Um, also, we had a member inside ADHD Big Brother become a Skull Spaghetti Master, which means they got to day 100 in a row of our Daily Accountability Club. Shout out, Hilde. That's freaking awesome. Way to go. Well, when I see people achieving things, it really juices me up. We've got so many ways to win badges for things and share wins, and being around that is it's so good for my mentals. Um, I was also reminded this week of how absolutely oppositional I can be. Uh, I'm a member of a coach's mastermind. We had a good session on Friday, uh, and I am so fucking oppositional. We talked about it there, and I've talked about it here numerous times, but you know, maybe it bears repeating, I guess. I refuse to do social media. And one of the mastermind members uh was asking me well what the deal was, what's behind it, right? The she's very curious, and you know, just to understand it. And it really opened up my eyes to exactly how oppositional I can be. Because it's not just for social media, and I have it for other things as well. So in this case, it's like there is a moral thing that I've attached to it, uh, which by the way, no shade to anybody that uses social media to market their business or any of that stuff. It just feels like if you're gonna believe what everybody's saying out there that you have to have, you have to be on social media. I'm not saying it's wrong to do, I'm just saying it's wrong for me. We even have community members like that have made challenges. Four people in the community. Shout out to Jen, shout out to Louvet, both have made challenges that uh revolve around um putting your phone down or stopping the doom scrolling. One person is doing one of the challenges, I can't remember who it is, but um, they had a rule that they've put on themselves, which is like no social media for an hour after they wake up. So I think it's brilliant. That's awesome. But so I just can't market on the platform that's bad for me. Like it's not bad for all of us, but it's bad for me. If it's on my phone, I'll use it and I'll abuse it. And then on top of that, so I have this really um intense feeling uh because so many people try to tell me that, you know, how I can make it work for me. Like, how could you make social media work? Uh, that I need at least to have a presence on there. And I can't. I mean, I know that I can, but I can't. You know, to me, that's like telling me to just just smoke one cigarette so that you can be in the conversation with everybody who's outside smoking. You know, don't just don't inhale the smoke, just create the puff and then blow the smoke out. And I'm like, you just gotta have at least have one cigarette in your mouth at all times. And so the oppositionalness in me is like, no, I don't. No, I don't have to do that. I'll show you. Uh, so I just can't live in that world. And uh, we're all so prone to the normie culture, like this is what we all do now. This is how you're supposed to do things. So, whatever. I don't necessarily think that just because we have a thing, like this oppositionalness, uh doesn't necessarily mean I have to fix it. I'm oppositional sometimes. Okay. Because I'm not in alignment with something, big fucking deal. So much better for my mental health than forcing myself to engage and do a thing because other people say it's what I have to do. It definitely makes marketing a more creative endeavor for me. I will give it that. Um, I'm even trying to figure out how to not have to have a substack. Uh, I just like to write, you know? So maybe I could just uh maybe I create a free space in the community that's open to the public. And um, because I, you know, information is free. I believe in that. I think I could do it. Wheels are turning, wheels are spinning, stay tuned. Do you guys ever feel like that with anything? Where everyone says a thing has to be a certain way and it goes so against your grain. Anyway, mental though, my mental health, it's been really good this week. So as far as like offering stuff goes, you know, information it's all free. Uh you got to struggle, you can click on the link in the show notes, and you can use my podcast finder that just tell it what is what you're struggling with, and it'll give you a couple of episodes that might be able to help. It's all free. I'm not capturing emails from it at the moment, so it's, you know, that's just my policy right now. Um, so when you're ready to take action, if you can't, that's when investing in yourself makes a lot of sense. And then a very small investment and a willingness to be visible and vulnerable, and holy shit, you could be like Hildy and get yourself a Skull Spaghetti Master Badge, and that feels good. Uh, link to join is in the show notes. Also, I do have scholarships now to ADHD Big Brother memberships. If you're wanting to participate, but you don't have the funds, just reach out. I currently have three out of the five available. I run them in four-month cycles. If you need to get your shit together, let's go. Reach out. If you have questions about that, if you need the scholarship, just reach out. And for those of you that are needing aggressive daily accountability support, I do have a unique coaching style that if you want to take advantage of it, you could potentially have your change happen uh pretty fast. Yeah. Sometimes what we need is another person who is watching. We're used to that other person being judgmental with normie culture attitudes. We judge ourselves. You know, I don't want to report to someone that I keep not doing what I said. It feels gross, I don't like it, I don't want to feel bad, I'm tired of feeling bad, but I'd rather do some kind of escapist behavior that that's going to make me feel bad, but it's the kind of feeling bad that I'm used to. So I'd rather be comfortably feeling bad than uniquely feeling bad in a new way. I'm like, what? I don't get it. Anyway, my philosophy, and this is for people that are seeking help. Okay, if you don't need help, no biggie, file this under D for does not apply. But if you want help and you're paying for help, don't you want to get through it quicker? That means daily accountability and that tension that you feel about it, let's learn to accept that and use it rather than try to get away from it. Um, I do this with daily text message accountability. It's not an automated thing, it's you and me. We meet once a month and then we set up the daily accountability. I prefer every day. Some people want to take the weekend off. It's, you know, it's all the same price. So it's up to you. If you're in a season of like, okay, I gotta go, let's get some stuff done. Oh man, a lot of it boils down to proximity to support, and daily support is a big fucking deal. Then go to my website, book a call to apply. We can actually make this more fun than it is. Pretty sure of it. Uh, I currently have two spots open for that. Get it! So let us talk about some things. The aspect of ADHD that I'm the most proficient at helping with is the doing of the things. I think that everything boils down to deciding what to do with your time and being willing and able to do that thing. And man, do we naturally suck at that. Am I right? Oh my god, just me? Am I the only one that sucks at this? Okay, you're all lying. I mean, I don't take any pills for my ADHD because all the crappy side effects. So my natural state is doing important things is hard. It does not come naturally to me. So, but everything boils down to doing a thing. Think about when you're depressed. It's about, yeah, how do I get out of bed? That's a task. And think about when you're riddled with anxiety. It's about, yeah, oh, how do I regulate my emotions or how do I calm my polyvagal nerve? That's a task. That's a thing to do. Think about when you get butthurt because Trudy's text message didn't have an exclamation point and you can't get over the idea that she now hates you. There's some journaling involved there, right? Or some cognitive reframing. That's a to-do. You might call it a to think, but I think that a to think is also a to-do. You have to do the thinking. So it counts. Think about when you have free time and your kids want to play with you. Think that's a thing to do. It's a super fun thing to do, but that's a task that you've decided you will allot time for. When it comes to these things that we have to do, we operate based on tension levels. All of our executive function, you know, dopamine business. Basically, the way that I simplify it for myself says that if I'm not interested, uh I don't activate. So if it's not interesting, novel, or urgent, which I just categorize everything is interest, then it has a tension to it that equates to not now. Not doing has less tension. When things reach high levels of urgency, then there's more tension to not doing it. And so we're moved to action. So this is just us having a chat about it, about tension. The the quick answer here, which I do subscribe to, is that it is in our best interest to create ways to minimize the tension or create more tension to not doing it. We often speak in terms of fun, don't we? Like, how can you make the task more fun? Because fun appeals to us. But I always come back to like that's homework. Figuring out the fun, that's a that's a homework assignment. And when you're in the moment of needing to do a shitty task, doing homework is adding more to the plate. So I'm a fan of, even though I don't love it, but I'm a fan of indulging the tension. That to me is the shortest, easiest way through this stuff, accepting that it's gonna suck. We don't have to embrace it, but accepting, man, can we be miserable for small bursts of time? Can we be cool with being frustrated, annoyed, having dramatic, having an internal tantrum for a short amount of time? We know we're gonna feel good about ourselves afterwards, but that feel goodiness that we might get afterwards does not compel us to action. It never does, not for me. You don't buy the latte today because you want to retire in 20 years. What? I that's it's only $4. I deserve the latte. I need a latte right now. I will fucking I'm good. That's the exaggeration, but I think you hopefully you get what I'm talking about. Long, long, long-term importance has no bearing on our right now. And I'm not in a place to do homework in the moment of the tension. So I may as well expect it, rely on it, be grateful if it doesn't happen, but get practiced at the art of doing a thing, even though that takes practice and timers. There's this push on us as ADHDers to look for the fun, uh, which I think is awesome. To me, it's pretty impossible in the moment of needing to do a shitty task to find the fun. Like I need to send an email to Troy before noon tomorrow. I have plenty of time to do it. It's on my task list to do right now, but fuck it, I can do it tomorrow. What does it take to do it today when you said you were going to do it? What if you approached it from a tension standpoint in advance? What if you created more tension to not doing it? Instead of trying to make it more fun, what if we use the dark side of the force? Use the tension inside of you, skywalker. Here's an example of that. You could apply it with your friends or whatever. Uh, as you may know, in our membership, we do have the Daily Accountability Club. So you post your thing that has to be done today. Or your day streak, this is the days in a row that you've done a thing, that's on the line. And those things can be different every day in our space. But maybe you're on day 59. Good for you. Takes all of about two minutes to log in to make yourself visible and declare the thing that you're doing today, no matter what. I modeled this community after a nicotine one day at a time quit group. Um, the the group accountability philosophy works like a motherfudja for ADHD. So maybe you stay online for five minutes to read uh what other people are doing. That's a whole seven minutes of your life to do something, to nudge yourself forward. Seven minutes. Nobody listening to this can tell me that you don't have seven minutes of your life to do something to nudge yourself forward. Go to your settings on your iPhone, click on screen time, and then pick any one of those apps and ask yourself, well, what if I shortened it 10 minutes? Where would that be? What app would that be that you would shut down a little bit earlier? And because it's not easy, like you can't just say 10 minutes less Instagram today because you know you're doom scrolling, you don't even know you're doing it. Right? So other people to help you make it visible, you put send Troy email. So now you have to send Troy the email or your day streak goes back to day one. And because you're on day 59, you're feeling good about yourself, and in our community, you get a marinara mind badge, day 60, on your way to fully cooked school spaghetti mastery of on day 100. So there's more tension now to not sending the email because I don't want to go back to day one. It's brilliant! By virtue of playing with the tension, by having a collective of people who are about to celebrate you over a fucking email to Troy, yes we will, you actually made it more fun and exciting, even though it was tension related. The quickest path for us to do a thing in my mind is to pre-plan and rely on the tension. If we can expect it, if we can get comfortable being in discomfort, we have a better shot. And experiencing tension alone, this whole like the willpower, suck it up, gotta be able to do this shit without support, it's monumentally more difficult to overcome than tension that is accompanied by accountability through visibility, through just making it visible. So let's get to the tension, let's get through it already. Instead of reading a book or watching your video or listening to this dumb podcast, building a spreadsheet, instead of dwelling in the learning, trying to build a system that finally works perfectly, let's get into the pain of it already. And join me, the human being, not the pre-recorded audio guy. Let's fucking play already. If you want, of course. Like I'm obviously pretty passionate about this, I'll admit. I like feeling the passion though. Feels purposeful. If you ask me what my goal is, it is not to educate the masses, it's to be a part of or a witness to an individual's positive change. That feels really good. Getting support at the same time I'm giving support, holy balls. And I get to do that inside ADHD Big Brother. That's the real gift. And what's even cooler than that, starting day one, you get you have the opportunity to experience that as well. You get to support me, you get to support everybody else in the community. If that's a passion of yours, holy shit, it's pretty magical. God, you know, there's something that you hear uh a lot in the real world. There's a, I don't know, it's a cognitive reframe or something. I hear it a lot in the ADHD community. It's that you're not broken. You guys get that? And maybe this is my oppositional. This is gonna come out with my mental health stuff. So just filter this stuff out if it doesn't apply to you, okay? But you telling me I'm not broken, it angers me sometimes. You don't know me. You don't have the right to tell me that I'm not broken. How do you know? Unless you're just spouting a general cliche that I'm gonna put on a mask and I'm just gonna fake it till I make it. I'm gonna pretend I'm not broken even though I feel broken because you said so. It relies on me outsourcing myself you to a stranger. I have to give you more power over me than me. So so then what I feel about myself isn't as truthful as what you tell me about me. That doesn't work for me. God, even in therapy, I would be pissed off at my therapist. They better come at me inquisitively, right? What makes you feel broken? Don't tell me I'm not to ask me why I feel like I am. Oh, I can feel it inside. I can I'm boiling inside. What works for me is like you put me in a room of a bunch of people that feel broken, and then we will all realize together that we're not alone, and we all have similar struggles, even if they're different, and we all come to our own conclusions that we aren't broken. I don't have to blindly believe Rodney's statement about me. This is one of those things that I hate about social media. Like you're God, you're not broken, you're just wired differently. Like they're done, you better now. It comes from our own insight about ourselves. And we as we connect with each other and solution share, we then realize oh, oh, it's not because I'm a broken piece of shit loser. It's because I need a unique solution here. Let me ask for some non-judgmental support while I practice this solution and see if it has legs. Anyway, oh these are a few of my opinions. When I'm broken and I'm paralyzed, when I'm feeling blue. Dooddley doodly doodle. Oh my god. I should change the mental health report. I'm going crazy. Uh all right, you know what? That's gonna do it. Let's just call it. That's that thank you for coming to my ramble today. As always, feel free to reach out, share your school spaghetti with me. That's what we're here for. That's the whole point. And if you're getting value out of this podcast, please support my work by joining ADHD Big Brother. Join us! And then I can actively support your work. And with that, head on down now to the show notes. Go ahead and click on those links, keep poos. Uh, and I hope you have a fantastic week, and I shall talk to you later.