The Seven Deadly Sins Are A Map Back To Power

The “seven deadly sins” are meant to sound like a warning, but I see them as a blueprint for how women get trained to distrust themselves. Pride becomes something to fear, envy becomes something to deny, hunger becomes something to control, lust becomes something to shame, rest becomes something to earn, and anger becomes something to swallow. When you stack all that together, you get a life where you second-guess your needs, minimise your desires, and keep trying to be “good” at the cost of your power. 

I walk through pride, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, sloth, and wrath, and I name the conditioning underneath: patriarchy, capitalism, purity culture, and the constant message that you are either not enough or too much. We talk about how envy can point to your vision, how hunger can be sacred information rather than a problem to fix, and why wanting more money, pleasure, space, or self-expression does not make you immoral. I also dig into the contradiction of “sex sells” while women are punished for desiring, and why reclaiming desire is often the fastest route back to self-trust. 

We go further into the parts you might call shadow: rage, taboo wants, jealousy, fantasies, and the fear of being labelled vain, selfish, or a slut. I share why letting these parts exist does not mean acting them out, it means integrating them so they stop running your life in secret. There’s also a real-world thread on body image, ageing, and the exhausting trap of feeling like you should be different, plus a more honest approach to self-acceptance that leaves room for insecurities without letting them rule. 

More from me at KirstyDee.com

Transcript

Welcome To Truth And Transformation

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This is the podcast for the women ready to break some rules, for the women who are fed up of pouring into everyone else and not getting what they want. This is where you discover what is true for you and you transform and alchemize the areas of your life that is not doing it for you. Welcome to Truth and Transformation. I'm your host, Kirsty D. Let's go. Hello, hello, hello, lovelies. Today I'm going to do an episode that I've been wanting to do a while. I'm going to be talking about the seven deadly sins and how actually these are really, really about keeping you out of your power. Now, even if you didn't grow up with that conditioning and you didn't have that sort of like spoke about and all of that, you're going to see how this trickles down to us all. You're going to see yourself when I start talking about things like pride and lust and greed, you're going to talk about how much conditioning you had there. And it was really, really about you feeling not enough, you feeling too much, you not trusting yourself, you not being able to trust your intuition, to not trust what um your body was telling you. I don't know a person who's not impacted by this, even if you didn't grow up with this like hammered at you. So going to go into this because I just think this is so important if we want to decondition and like not live a life where we constantly feel not enough and too much and constantly doubt ourselves. So, not gonna do this in any particular order. I'm just gonna go through each one.

Pride Without Shrinking Yourself

SPEAKER_01 1:44

So, pride, let's talk about that because this is something that I see impacts every single woman. Every single woman, right? And all of these things, then there might be people who actually have good intentions about these things. Not sure I believe that as I'm even saying it, but I'm sure there are some people who are well-meaning. But we all know well-meaning people can be really, really harmful, right? But the reason these teachings work is because we see the extremes of them, we see it all the time, and we're like, I don't want to be that. You know, we see the person who really does think like so much of themselves and is like doesn't really like won't listen, and all of these things. So we see these things and we don't want to be that. We we see um, you know, like society and how there are people who will just tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. So we're like, I don't want to be greedy, I don't want to be that. So all of these things, that's why they can have so much power, power over us. But as I've been talking about a lot recently, that is around about a lot, it's about trauma, it's about a lack of being able to um metabolize, to be with your things, to actually really receive. And what these teachings actually do is they actually cause more of that. And we see, you know, we we have a system where they actually don't care about extracting too much and greed and hoarding resources when it's them, but they want to just make sure that you don't ever get too confident, that you don't ever feel like you don't really trust yourself and that you're not resourced. Hence why, hence why we've got to talk about it, right? So, as I said, we're gonna start with pride, right? Because one of the things that I see all the time that we use to police women, to for women to police themselves, is we don't want to be seen as like, oh my gosh, she she loves herself, she thinks a lot of herself. That's what we get taught. Like, don't be too big for your britches, don't be too confident, don't take up too much space, don't even be proud of yourself. That is something women get taught. So this becomes a real power when you see that and you're like, huh. What if I could have pride in myself? What if I could let myself right be a little bit obnoxious, be confident to trust myself, right? And we hear that and we hear asshole. That's what we hear. And we're like, and and and and we fear it. But most women, when they step into that, right, they're not going to become this asshole, right? They're just going to become more discerning, more self-trusting. They're going to start liking themselves, right? In a world where there's these impossible beauty standards, where it's always telling you that you are not enough, and to never think you're enough, and to constantly compare yourself, right?

Envy As A Desire Compass

SPEAKER_01 4:58

Then this leads into envy, right? And I'm going to keep talking about them, I'm going to weave these all together, right? Envy, it's like, don't, don't, don't ever be envious, right? But it literally will constantly show you how you're not enough, how you're inadequate. And then when you notice somebody has more than you, and all of this, or have something you want, you're shamed for for noticing that. You're shamed for desiring that thing that they have. You know, like I'll see these things all the time around um, you know, real friends never get envious, they never get this, they never get that. But that's just not allowing people to be human. Some people don't feel envious, but a lot of us do. I get envious. This is very human, and we can actually use this. What is envy about? Envy is about um creativity, it's about the vision, it's about connecting with what you want. And it doesn't matter how much you shame yourself, right? You still want the thing that you want, right? Can if we just act from envy, can that be problematic? Yes, all of these things, that's why they work, right? Because they can all be when we just act from them, be problematic, right? But when you suppress them or when you deny them, that actually will cause way, way, way more problems. So if you allow yourself to integrate the part of you that is envious, and then the part of you that is like scared of that and maybe still threatened, right? Because there's actually plenty, there's there's more than enough to go around, but it's like hoarded from um from from from lots from like the majority of the people, right? And um, you know, then it's exploited to make you feel not enough so that you constantly notice, right? But there is actually plenty, right? But you're not allowed to to want that for yourself, right? You're taught to just be grateful for what you have, don't notice, don't connect with what you desire. So when women allow themselves to to feel envious, right, and to be with that, and to tap into like to that yearning and that creativity and that that vision that says, like, hey, hey, I want more, right? And and we start normalizing that and going, hey, I I I feel really envious, right? Like, and that doesn't mean you necessarily say it to the person, but it's like you allow yourself to hunger.

Hunger Gluttony And Wanting More

SPEAKER_01 7:33

So this one like really, really connects with gluttony, hunger, right? Wanting, right? We live in a world that's all about um overconsumption, overstimulation, like creating addictive patterns. And then when when when you feel that way, right, it will blame you for it, right? But it's like you are going to feel more and more hungry when you're not connected to yourself, right? Your hunger's actually a really good thing, it's actually a really sacred thing, right? Without you ever getting hungry, right, the like you wouldn't be willing to survive. You just wouldn't, right? But it's like again, we have a system where other people are allowed to be hungry, they're allowed to be ambitious, right? They're allowed to overconsume, right? But you're not, right? How many people struggle with um literal hunger, right? And um as in like they don't trust their bodies, they don't trust what they feel hungry for, right? This leads to like eating disorders and all of these things, and then it connects with the pride of like I don't feel enough, I don't feel like I look good enough, right? Causes like binge eating and like all of these things, right? But also it causes women to stay in situations they don't like. So say they're they're hungry for like more in their relationships, right? Women are taught to just just settle, right? And it this connects with greed, right? Again, they don't care if there are people at the top hoarding and like you know, constantly extracting from people, constantly exploiting from people, constantly exploiting from the planet. They don't care about that, right? But they care that you are worried about um, you know, like wanting too much. Like don't be too greedy, don't want too much, right? This is a way to keep you from being um secure, for like financially secure, like being well resourced. This is a way to keep you from having power. Like all of these things, they all connect with each other, right? They all connect. So when you allow yourself to hunger, to want, right? You allow yourself to be honest with yourself. You allow yourself to create the vision that that you want, right? You allow yourself to become in a good relationship with your hunger, right? And from there you can decide what's the like the best path for you, right? And when you are connected to that, as I was talking about on the cell metabolism thing, you don't just keep over consuming and all of these things because you have a good relationship with your hunger, right? Whether it's physical hunger or otherwise, right, you see how important that is, right? You see how important it is, right? You would not survive without your hunger, right? But so much of it, right, is like taught as dangerous, right? And like, you know, that will lead to pain, right? It will lead to your destruction, it will lead to like all of these things, but it's like there's actually no way of avoiding the human experience, right? You will feel uncomfortable at times, right? You will be challenged at times in life, right? And you will go through painful things in life, right? There's no avoiding those things, right? But pretending we don't want and pretending we don't have need does not help those things, right? So instead, what happens is we suppress those things, right? We suppress those things, and actually our body will start yelling at us, and actually, then we're more likely to overconsume, to become addicted to all of these things because we're not connected to our bodies, right? We're not listening to those things, and then your body starts like overriding all that, and it's like, I am actually hungry, I do want more of these things, so we'll go on cycles of binge eating or end up in relationships with people who just give us scraps because we're not allowed to want, we're not allowed to say, Hey, this feels good, this doesn't. You know, like so much of it is just extracting from our humanness, but then other people don't care about that, and they will just go for the things they want without feeling bad, without feeling shame. They're not worried about being too greedy or exploiting from others. But like so many people, so many women are, they they're they're constantly worried about um, you know, taking too much and like just constantly focused on um, you know, like being generous, being loving, and all of these things, right? But never actually really deeply connected to it is okay to want, it is okay to want um like more money, want more self-expression, to want more joy, to to want to feel more contented, to want to feel more pleasure. Like none of these things make you bad, right? But we live in this thing where it's all this like moral judgment, and yet the people who are morally like really hurting people, they're not bothered, but they love that you to worry about this. They love for you to constantly feel guilt, to constantly feel shame, to constantly feel like you should just be more um grateful. And when women start allowing themselves to just really, really, really want and to go all the way with that, right? It doesn't mean that they're gonna just go and act on all these things and it's gonna be the death of them and it's gonna become dangerous and destructive. Like that's what you're taught. That's what you're taught. But that's just not how it works. That's not how it works, right? Again, it's about when we're not connected to ourselves, right? We'll constantly chase and chase and chase and chase and chase, and um it'll just it will never like it will never um it'll never quench us.

Lust Purity Culture And Life Force

SPEAKER_01 14:17

And so so the other one, lust, right? This is all around um desire. This is all around purity culture, right? The system is set up that you have to be desirable to be enough and to be wanted, but you are not allowed to desire. You are not allowed to desire. Right? It's that whole thing, sex sells, but you are not allowed to want. You are not allowed to want. That makes you bad, that makes you a sinner. That makes you a slut, that makes you a whore, that makes you a slapper, and all these things are of course bad. Right? So, one of the biggest things I talk about all the time is like the reclamation of those things, right? In the spiritual community and in religion, this is so like this is so intertwined, you know, like in the spiritual community, it's like, oh, you'll take on this person's energy and like bad vibes and all of that if you allow yourself um to want, to, to lust, to, to desire, right? It's built in purity culture. Purity culture creates rape culture, you know, it's it's like policing yourself and policing other women based on them desiring, calling them attention seekers, saying that um, you know, that they're too much. Like all of these things, it's a way to um steal a woman from connecting to her life force energy.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

That it that is why they do that. That is why they do that. Right?

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Because a woman who can can receive and be connected to her life force energy and be in pleasure is a woman that is really fucking unstoppable. Really unstoppable. So all of these things, can you see, that like they're all powers. They're all powers for women, right? Gluttony, greed, lust, right? On on the other side of those things is a woman connected to her life force energy, is a woman connected to her hunger, is a woman who knows when she feels full, knows when she's had enough. Right? Pride is a woman who's confident in herself, a woman who's who's sturdy, a woman who won't shrink, right? All of these things. Envy is a woman who allows herself to feel it all, allows herself to to notice and go, oh, actually, I would like that. I'd like that. I'd I'd I'd also like to be in um a relationship where I am treat so so so so good and so so so well. Oh, I'd actually like to be able to afford to go on holiday. Oh, I'd actually like um to have the confidence to do this thing, right? Because you you see somebody else doing it, right? It shows you what is possible, it shows you what is possible, but they don't want you to know that. They don't want you to know what is possible, right?

Sloth Rest And Burnout Conditioning

SPEAKER_01 17:26

Slough, what's this all about? Oh this is about um making you feel bad for resting, for listening to your body. Because here's the thing: they want you to keep working, they want you to burn out. That's how capitalism is built. About you being productive and you feeling shit every time you're not productive, every time you're resting, every time you're listening to your body. I can remember um when I lived above my in-laws, right? And um my mother-in-law would constantly, every time like I rested, every time that I took care of myself, she'd like make jokes, but like not joking, that I was lazy. That I was lazy. This isn't even her fault. Like, I don't even blame her, right? Because that's the conditioning she got. Like, I see so many women, they cannot relax, they cannot rest, even when they're physically like lying down to quote unquote rest, they're not really resting, they're feeling bad about it, they're the the mental load is ticking away, and then in their head, they're thinking, I need to do this and I need to do that, right? Why? Because even if they weren't brought up, you know, at home, taught this, it's deeply embedded into society. In a patriarchal world that we all live in, it tells you that you are not enough unless you are producing, unless you're being productive, unless you're self-optimizing everything, right? That you should feel bad, that you were letting somebody down, or you were self-sabotaging. Are you actually self-sabotaging, or does your body just need rest? Because sometimes it will override. So that's why sometimes we can't get up and do the thing and we can't get motivated, right? Because your body is like rebelling, it's kind of like uh-uh. Because it's hungry, hungry for something, might not be food, but something, and that thing might just be rest, it might just be quietness, right? I love some self-optimization, right? I um like in I I l like you, I live in a patriarchal world, right? It does it feels good when we get shit done, dopamine, like all of these things, right? But it's like if you constantly run off that, you burn out, right? But it's it creates a system for you to burn out and then will make out like you're the problem, that you're broken. Right, that you're being lazy. Right? Why does it do this? So that you feel not enough. Again, so that you never have any pride in yourself, so you constantly doubt yourself, you constantly feel guilty. You constantly feel like you should be doing, producing, problem solving everything, right? And I'm not saying like I love solving a fucking problem, right? But it's like we can't live in that. Sometimes we just have to be, sometimes we just have to um not have the answer, sometimes we just have to seize the moment, sometimes we have to allow ourselves to just just as a be or you know to have pleasure. And here's the thing: you don't feel those things when you're suppressing all of these things. You don't. When you don't allow yourself to want, when you don't allow yourself to hunger, when you don't allow yourself to have pleasure because you feel so guilty about it, you won't experience pleasure. Or you'll constantly chase pleasure, you'll constantly chase happiness, like it will become this like overconsumption thing because you don't want to sit with the discomfort, you don't want to sit with the the pain, with life's challenges, right? But there's no avoiding those things. And when you can just be with the as-is and be with the the the mundane and be with the hard things, but we're always taught to like we have to get out of those things. And then, you know, when we do desire to get out of those things, again, it's like don't be envious. So all of it is around basically don't be human, constantly feel not enough, constantly feel um that you're messing up, that you that you're a failure, constantly feel, as I said, not enough. And Too much. As I don't care if you weren't brought up with these teachings at home. I don't think I have come across a person yet who doesn't struggle with some of these things, right? I'm going to talk about the last one and then I'll talk about it a bit more to like, you know, bring it all together. Because I can guarantee there is one of these that you struggle with, but probably a combination of all of them, but some we find harder than others.

Wrath Anger Boundaries And Justice

SPEAKER_01 22:32

So the last one is RAF, right? Because it's like, don't be angry. Like, don't be angry. Don't be rageful. Just just again, taught in religion, just forgive. Love and light. I, you know, I talked about that on um my episode, like um spirituality in patriarchy, right? Who does that benefit? Who does that benefit? Of course, a system that is designed to harm you, right? Because you're supposed to, I keep saying this again and again and again, but like you're supposed to be angry about things that are harmful for you. Right? This is how we protect ourselves, this is how we get justice, right? Who benefits from you not protecting yourself, from you not having boundaries?

SPEAKER_00 23:21

Right? It ain't you, but so many of us are so uncomfortable with our anger with with a part of us that might hate something.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

And as I keep saying throughout all of these episodes, right, it works because all of these things, of course, can be problematic. So here's how it all works: they take something with some truth in it, right? Because if it didn't have any truth in it, it wouldn't have legs, it wouldn't fly you, they wouldn't be able to control you with it, right? So, yes, if somebody just acts out on their you know anger and their rage, right, of course that is gonna lead to problems, right? But they actually don't care like when when they do it. Look at the wars, look at the genocide, look at how much um you know land is stolen.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

Right? Look at the entitlement there, the greed there, but they care. They'll make out like when you're angry about something and you're mad about something, that you're the problem.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

Rather than can I be with all of that? Can I be with my anger? Can I be with my envy? Can I be with my hunger? Can I be with my my life force that desires more, that desires pleasure, that desires joy, that desires all of these things? And can I so deeply connect to myself and trust myself and trust what's coming through and then channel it? But most of us don't trust ourselves. Well, of course, you're not going to trust yourself if you've constantly been taught throughout your whole life that your hunger and your desire is bad, that it makes you a bad person, that it makes you greedy, that it makes you immoral, and this obsession with you constantly being good. And what does good look like? Self-sacrificing, abandoning yourself, right? Pouring into everyone else, right? This whole podcast is about you discovering what you like and not abandoning yourself. And to do that, you're gonna have to break some rules. So you're going to have to let yourself, right, yearn and be hungry. And to desire more, you're gonna have to let yourself be a hungry, horny fucking bitch, right? And like when I say horny, I mean like whatever you're horny for. It doesn't necessarily need to be sex, right? But it might be, right? You might be horny for that, right? You might, you might not be, right? You might be like really not bothered, right? It's like, can you connect with, for instance, your libido, right? Say, for instance, like you don't really have a sex drive, right? Can you trust that, right? That's your body saying, I want to go inwards, I want to go inwards, I want to go inwards, right? If if you're horny for a literal other person, right, can you trust that, right? What's that saying? It's saying, I am horny for connection, I'm horny for pleasure, right? That's your body literally telling you, right? And none of these things mean right here, right now, let's go and act on them, right? Right? It's about can I be with those feelings? Can I be with those sensations?

SPEAKER_00 26:47

Can I be with that? And then from there, from there you take action, right? Pause and then, right? Go from there. Go from there.

SPEAKER_01 27:05

But like so often we are taught there is something wrong with us, right? I have had stages in my life, right? Let's go for the lost one for now, right? I have gone through stages in my life, right, where I have literally had just no interest, no sex drive, right? And I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought that I was broken, right? But it actually just made sense. It actually just made sense. It was my body saying, Oh, like, come home to you, Kirsty. Come home to you, right? It's like, I am tired, my life force energy has been shut off, I don't feel safe. Right? It was speaking to me. It was like there wasn't anything to needed fixing, right? But I didn't trust it, right? Because I had compared myself, right? And thought, um, there's something wrong with me. But then I was taught that also it was bad to compare myself. Like that envy was bad, right? So all of it was bad. My hunger was bad, my envy was bad. Um, my lack of sex drive was was bad, right? But then when I had these times where I did lust and I did desire more pleasure, and you know, like my sex drive was quote unquote high. Oh, well, that that's not good either. That that's bad. Now you're fucked up. Um, now you're an imponiac, like whatever it is, right? Rather than my body was speaking to me, and it was like, oh, you desire more pleasure, you desire more fun, you desire intimacy. All right, you desire to be desired, right? But again, that is so ashamed. You're not allowed to desire that because that would make you attention seeking, that would make you um insecure, that would make you all of these things, right? It's like they they create the insecurities in you and then will beat you up for feeling insecure. They'll they'll they'll tell you your worth is around being desired and being wanted, and that is how you keep yourself safe, and then they will um batter you with that and be like, well, no, don't be attention seeking. You shouldn't want to ever be desired, you shouldn't ever want to be wanted, which is and it's just a very human thing, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:35

I see this all all the time.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

I I see this all the time with with women having such a terrible relationship with food, right? Because this is all connected to uh, you know, the whole pride thing, right? It's like I can't trust myself, and I can't, and I've been taught to compare myself, so like I'm gonna um restrict myself because apparently my body should look like this, um, but it doesn't, and so I can't trust my hunger. So I end up with like all this disordered eating because I'm not allowed to just like who I am right now, and I'm not allowed to just like the way that I look because that would be vain and that would be superficial. So I constantly need to improve myself and to you know, shrink myself, but then if I do shrink myself, then I'm taught that I'm too skinny and I'm you know, like the amount of times in my life that somebody's um commented on my body, and um, you know, whether I'm too skinny or like you know, not not skinny enough, like whatever the fuck, do you know what I mean? Like, it's it's just like you just can't win. But it's also like they'll tell you to love yourself, right? And I'm big on that, like, you know, love yourself, right? But then it's like, but not too much, not too much, that um you have too much pride and that you're vain. So even if you're not brought up, right, you know, as I say, with this like been drilled into you, it still shows up, right? It shows up with the disordered eating with the um, you know, binge eating with the uh looking at yourself and feeling disgust and you know not liking your body. Um, it shows up with the shame you feel when you hunger for more, right? It it shows up whenever you feel um envy and you think it's it's bad to feel that. It shows up when you um are suppressing your anger, right? Um, or you're exploding from from your anger because it's never um it's never been allowed to to exist and to be channeled. So what happens? It ends up just exploding out of you.

Let Shadow Feelings Exist Safely

SPEAKER_01 32:07

So I guess what I really want to say is when we start actually working with these things, right, and we actually give them um a place to exist and to be explored and to explore those quote-unquote shadowy parts, those darker parts of self, right? If you listen to the um Patriarchy and Spirituality episode, I talked about like how I will let myself want revenge. I will let myself want all of these things. I will um, you know, like if you listen to this podcast before it um before like I re restarted it with this one, right? You know, like I did a series called Self and Sextemba, and I talked about like um allowing myself like desires and like the taboo stuff and the fantasies and all of that, right? And how incredibly healing that was for me. And maybe I'll do an episode um on like kinks and fantasies and and desires and all of these things, right? Because it's like I let myself want those things. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna act on them, right? And sometimes it actually serves you too, right? Sometimes it generally, generally does, you know, when you come at from this really conscious place, right? But it's like all of these things are just very, very human. And I'm really such a firm believer in like so much of the pain and so much of the trauma and stuff is because we don't allow ourselves to be human. And um, so we have to suppress these parts, we have to deny them. And instead, we never just allow them to kind of come up. We never allow ourselves to be a lustful, greedy, prideful fucking bitch, right? We're always telling women to to be smaller, to shrink themselves, don't, don't be direct, because you know, like then you'll be seen as a bitch, you'll be seen as being aggressive and all of these things, but then judged when we're not direct. Well, why didn't she ask for what she wanted? Like, why why didn't she say? Why didn't she um speak up, right? Again, a constant way to tell you that you're that you're the problem. All right, rather than no, I can connect with myself, I can own what I want, and create relationships where it is safe to say the things that I want. Right? Because you can't not everyone you can be in a relationship like that because they have this conditioning, right? And what happens is you end up in relationships with people like that where you do have to suppress so much of yourself, and then it like will just leak out in all these shadowy ways. So it's so important for us and for women to be able to have spaces where they can be like, I really desire this thing, and I know it's really fucking taboo, and I I really want this thing, and I'm really hungry for more, and I'm really fucking jealous of that fucking bitch over there, right? Like, that is not it's again. So here's another way we police women, right? Um I believe in like sisterhood and women coming together to to my core, right? I I really do think like that's the medicine, right? But even within that, right, there's this internalized misogyny that a lot of people don't even realize, right? That that they have, and this policing where it's like these unrealistic expectations that um you'll never feel jealous and you'll never like feel all these things, but actually they're just very, very human. And if we could create spaces where we could say, Oh god, this this this this person, right? This person like really is triggering the shit out of me. And I feel really, really envious, right? Or I've got an issue with this, like I don't like this, right? And we stopped making out like everyone who did that was being a bitch, right? And it's like we wouldn't have to suppress those things and we could all move forward, you know. If we could say, as I said, like I feel angry about this, I feel upset about this, right? And we had these spaces where we could talk about these things, right? If if women were allowed to be quote unquote um vain and to care about um what they look like, it's not actually vain, right? Again, society um is like obsessed with how women um like be and how they look. And then when women actually then care about how they look and they want to look quote unquote good, which I know is subjective, they're shame for that. They're called vain and superficial, right? So basically it creates this thing where you just literally can't win. So the reclamation comes when you stop trying to win and you just accept people are going to project and they're gonna put labels on you, right?

Own The Labels They Weaponise

SPEAKER_01 37:16

One of the things that I really, really love to do is do work around um the things that I fear that I might be called, and then like reclaiming those things. So, like I let myself be quote unquote superficial, I let myself be fucking vain, I let myself be slutty, I let myself be fucking greedy, like I let myself be selfish, right? Because it because it matters, and that doesn't mean that um I am those things, right? It means I don't think it is bad to be, like of all the things that are happening in the world, right, and all the things people do, right? Because all of those things are subjective, right? But what what I mean by that is if somebody was to say to me and be like, oh Kirsty, you're vain, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, I am. Yeah I am.

SPEAKER_00 38:18

Cause what does it even mean? Like, what does that even mean? That I care about how I look, that I take pride in that?

SPEAKER_01 38:28

Well, yeah, I do, and I don't think that's a bad thing. Like, I don't think it's a bad thing. It's like if somebody was like, oh Kirsty, you're such a schlut because you like sex. Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_00 38:44

What am I gonna do about it?

SPEAKER_01 38:47

Kirsty, you're so selfish. Well, I focus on myself and I don't just abandon myself. Okay, I'm selfish. Yeah, I am. People can't use against you what you what you own and what you claim. They can't. But it's also because like I know the truth. Like I know that I do care about other people and I do care a lot, but I don't need to convince other people of that. Like I don't need to convince them of that. So if you catch yourself worrying that somebody might think you're bad or you're selfish or you're whatever, like one of the things that I see women like all the time, like if they make say a sexual joke or whatever, then they'll quickly take it back and be like, oh, but I'm not that I'm not I'm not that kind of person. What kind of person?

SPEAKER_00 39:46

Because they their fear of being seen a certain way like this is all a way to control women.

SPEAKER_01 39:58

And then I see other women the other way that's like they don't feel very um sexual, they're not bothered about sex, and then they feel shame because they feel again they're supposed to be, right? Because again, society teaches you um that you should want these things, so it doesn't really matter where you are, you'll be taught that really who you are, like we internalize this, is I should be different.

Stop Believing You Should Be Different

SPEAKER_01 40:30

In some way, shape, or form. I think we all carry a belief that we should be different to who we are. I'll give you an example, right? I relaunched this podcast and I listened back and I was like, oh gosh, I don't like it, right? And um, and I was listening back and I was thinking, and then like all these stories came up, right? And it was like the stories that was coming up, it's like, oh, you're messy, you're unstructured, you talk too fast, all of these things, right? That's what my inner critic was saying.

SPEAKER_00 41:05

And um I was just like, but what if what if I could just love on that?

SPEAKER_01 41:13

Right? Because why does it matter that I talk fast? And again, it's subjective. Some people don't think I talk fast, some people talk think I talk really fast, right? Some people tell me that they think like my podcast, like how it lines up, is like very um, you know, like structured and all of that, right? And other people, you know, like see that I go and then like, you know, like I I I don't I don't script it, right? And then I like kind of come back, right? And they love that. They they they see it as messy and unstructured and like all of these things, but it's the thing that they like about it, right? My point is, right, you could have somebody else who talks very slow, very grounded, and there's like a real, there's a system, right? And it's all done very like step by step, like logical, right? And people are gonna love that, and there's other people who are gonna be like, oh, I don't like that, right? Like, oh, it just doesn't do anything for me, like I find it boring, whatever, right? My point is everybody likes something different, right? Everybody likes different flavor, right? But we're always basically told on some level, and we internalize this, our flavor and who we are, there's something wrong with that. There's something wrong with that. And anyway, I just kind of caught all this and like caught all the judgment and that in a narrative that was like you should be different. And I was like, what if I just loved on like all the things, like all my quote unquote um flaws and quirks and like all of these things about myself. What if I just like really, really like loved on those things? What if I loved on the fact that like I'm messy and unstructured and fast talking? And I say like messy in quotes because some people are gonna be like, I don't think that about you, right? But the point is like some people will, right? And the the point is that is how like my like how I've internalized things because I've been, you know, like whether people have said this directly or indirectly, right? But it's like again, it's that um noticing that we do in life, right? And you notice the things other people have got and people have got prayers for. So you start thinking that I should be that way, right? And I think we all do this, right? I should look like this, I should show up like that, I should be able to do this, etc. Right? It's all the shame, right? And I just had this realization, I was just like, can I just love on those things? And the part of myself that I don't love on, right? The part of myself that I want to change, right? Because I've been taught that it would be better if I was more this or more of that, right? Have that conditioning, right? What if I could love on that yearning in itself, right? Because again, it's all just trying to protect me, right? So, for instance, I'll give you an example, right? Probably like everybody listening to this, right? I have cellulite, right? And I've gone through phases where I've like done like work and stuff, and I've just not really cared about it. And I felt really at peace with it, right? But recently I've I've noticed those thoughts and stuff come up, right? And those, you know, insecurities and stuff coming up, right? And I was like, what if I could just let them be there? What if I could just let them be there? And what if I could even just live on that part of myself, the part of myself that wants to change those things, and the part of myself that doesn't want to have cellulite, right? And for some people they might be like, what? Um, but it will, I kind of had this realization that I was like, there's a beauty to that, right? Right, this may be my conditioning. Well, absolutely is my conditioning, right? Because when, you know, like little babies don't care about, you know, um, you know, wobbly bits and like all of these things, right? But I had this realization that I was just like, even the desire to want to change things about myself, right? It comes from this part of me that's trying to protect me from a society that is really judgmental, right? And I was just like, so can I let, can I like love on myself and my body and kind of go, you don't actually need to change this? And like love my body as it is, and then also love the part of me that's like I in an ideal world, like I wouldn't have cellulite and that thought, and that and I was just like, yeah, because it's just trying to protect me. It's just trying to protect me. And um rather than like try to get rid of every insecurity, every negative thought, like, what if I could just be more neutral about it? What if I stop seeing like all of these parts of me is something that I need to change and something that I need to fix, you know, and also love on my body and be kind to my body and like be compassionate and love the body that that I'm in. Now, for some people, that's like too much of a stretch. Like they can't get there, right? And for me, it's like I can hold both. I can like love on myself and have a great relationship with my body, and also I can let insecurities and I can let thoughts come up that you know tell me that I should be different, and I don't need to fix those things. Like, I don't like let's be realistic. I'm probably going to, you know, have cellulite and all these things for the rest of my life unless I was to go and have like surgery or or whatever. And it's like, can can I make peace with that? Yeah. And some days I might not feel at peace with that, right? That's just my body, um, my humanness trying to protect me from a world that um is really um doesn't like to see a woman take up space and to to to like her body, and also I can walk around in a bikini and feel feel good about myself, you know. Like, does that always happen? No. I have days where I call them like ugly days where um I don't feel good, I don't feel hot, I don't feel sexy, like all of these things, like I have those things as well. And it's like again, because that thing of like don't feel prideful about yourself, right? It's it's it's that thing of like um literally tells you don't like your body, don't like your body, but then if you want to quote unquote feel um good and feel sexy and feel hot, it shames you for that. But it's like I I like I I do, and I know that doesn't come from the outside, it doesn't come from the outside world. It really, really, really, really doesn't. And it's like, but you're allowed to want those things, you're allowed to want to feel hot and sexy and to want to feel like you look good, but it's like when we go chasing it and when we put it on this external thing, I mean, it's just to be honest, a recipe for a shit show.

Body Image Insecurity And Self-Trust

SPEAKER_01 48:50

So one of the things that I did, and um, I don't know if this is gonna be helpful to anyone, but I'm gonna share it because it just it it might be. Um so growing up, right, there was a lot of emphasis on how I looked, right? Um it was something that you know, like was a big thing in my family. Like, I don't think anybody consciously meant to do this, but like, you know, how we dressed and how we represented ourselves, like really, really mattered. We were really, really um, there was a lot of focus on that. I think I've shared before how like even if we were sick and we're going to the doctors, like we had to, you know, dress a s a certain way. My nan used to say, basically, um, you know, if you're shabby, the doctor won't take you seriously, won't look after you, like all of these things, right? So it's like now when I get um, like when I want to look a certain way and all of this, and I want to, all of these things, like I'm not gonna share myself from that because that is literally my human self, literally just trying to survive because I was taught my whole life like how I looked was the utmost importance. Now I know that's not true. That like I'm so much more than kind of how I look, and also I like to dress a certain way. I like the the power of adornment. I like um I do like dressing up and I do like all of these things, and I get a lot of joy from those things, and it's a real self-expression, and I don't think that's vain, I don't think that's superficial, and I think um it can actually benefit for us, like you know, it can for me, it can motivate me to to work out and to eat well and to look after my body, right? And I'm also aware that there's this dangerous point um where so often we're doing it to try to optimize ourselves, and it's not at all about health, and it's not all about um self-love, it's because we're trying not to be rejected, right? So I noticed so much of my worth had like been on um how I look and being desirable and like all of these things. So as I said, I don't know if this is helpful for anyone, but I once like took myself into like a visualization and I journaled on this, right? And it really, really helped me. And it was basically like like I was asking myself what was coming up, right? If I didn't, you know, look a certain way or whatever, right? And it was this sphere around um somebody being repulsed by me, right? So I went into this visualization and I imagined people being repulsed by me and by my body, right? This might not be helpful for some people, this might actually do the opposite, right? So take this with a grain of salt, right? But it was really powerful for me because it was like, oh, what if you could be okay and you didn't actually need the external validation? If somebody was repulsed by you, if they were disgusted by you. And like it shifted something in that, like it shifted something in me, and also I don't shame myself for ever wanting the um desire of um, you know, wanting people to, you know, for instance, wanting my I mean, I not that I ever have this problem, I'm very blessed in that way, right? But like my husband always desires me. But it's like, if I was to put my power on that, that would be a really, really dangerous thing. But I'm allowed to enjoy that. And some people can't enjoy that because it feels unsafe because when people have desired them, they have bypassed their boundaries, right? So for some women, it doesn't actually feel safe to be desired, which makes complete sense, right? But also there's a lot of shaming where a lot of women um feel like there's some like they should be trying to fix out of it of like not ever wanting to want to be desired. Like you're allowed to want to be desired, like you're allowed to enjoy that. You're like that doesn't that makes you human. It doesn't make you some insecure, etc. etc. etc. Right? If you're putting all your worth on that, then that might not be good for you, but you already know that. Right? It's it's that thing where like if we can just own what we want, right? And what does that really what is it really about? It's a form of power. Okay, so what is that? It's a desire for power, right? But we're not allowed to admit that. Again, gluttony, greed, and stuff basically says that women aren't allowed to want power. They're definitely not allowed to want sexual power. Like, they hate a woman having sexual power. Because it's the one place where women do hold a lot more power.

SPEAKER_00 54:18

Right.

SPEAKER_01 54:22

I have friends and they know if they wanted to go out and get laid, right, they pretty much could, right? And then I know men who would m struggle. Right?

SPEAKER_00 54:35

That's why the manosphere gets so mad, right?

SPEAKER_01 54:40

So why this is why they shame women sexually because it's a way to control women, it's a way to keep women down. Because they know women have power there. They know women have power there, so what will they say? That women are manipulative, that they're cunning, all of these things, because they actually just don't want women to have power. It's one of the reasons why they have such ridiculously um insane, unrealistic beauty standards. Because if a woman was to actually like herself and to not need that validation and to see herself as as enough, she'd have so much power. She wouldn't shrink herself, right?

SPEAKER_00 55:29

Like she wouldn't.

SPEAKER_01 55:33

But it's so it's constantly like selling to you stuff, right? So if you have insecurities, even though they've given you the insecurities, right, around like you do want to be desired and stuff, they're like, right, we need to fix that insecurity. No, no, just just let yourself want it, let yourself want that, right? Like let yourself want that, right? It's nothing to fix, it's just very, very human, right? But it's like if they constantly tell you that you need to fix every um insecurity, everything that you have been taught is wrong with you, like they can have you constantly uh policing yourself, constantly working on yourself, constantly um censoring yourself, constantly trying to change and to fix yourself, right? Or the opposite. Kind of going, um like I basically there's something wrong with me um either way, right? If I want to create changes, like I shouldn't, I should just love myself as I am, right? Otherwise, as I say, it makes me insecure, right? So then I need to work on my insecurities, right? You again, this is nuance, right? If it's taking over your whole life, it might be beneficial for you to look at these things, right? But it's like I've accepted that um I don't think there's ever gonna be a day where there won't be some insecurities in me, right? Because life's all like the world's always gonna tell me there's something wrong with me. And if I spend my whole life, like every time I notice an insecurity, right, it's just a way to distract me, right? So I'm not trying to fix everything that comes up, everything that I feel insecure about myself, right? I'm not. And also, I I like I will see these things in our blood, and there'll be times when I'm like, actually, I'll actually do work around it. Like I say, um I did work around um that that thing of like the external validation of like this deep rooted fear in me that I didn't even realize that I had.

SPEAKER_00 57:58

Um and it was this fear of repulsing people. And I was just like, fuck.

SPEAKER_01 58:10

And there's gonna be some people who know me and they're like, but fuck Kirsty, like you're not gonna repulse somebody like with your body, right? But here's the thing there's there's been people in my life who have told me that I am, maybe it's not in so many words, that I am repulsive. And what happens is we can internalize that. Like society taught me that. That if I wasn't perfect and I didn't look a certain way, but then when I wanted to change how I looked, they taught me that that was vain, that that was superficial. So one of the best things I ever did was just like, okay, you want to call me superficial? I'm a superficial bitch. Actually, no, I'm not, but you know. But also, there's part of me that whatever you want to class as superficial, like there's parts of me that are, and I love those about myself. I love the parts of myself that society has taught me that I'm most unlovable. And the parts that they tell you are the most unlovable, I'm telling you it's usually where you hold the most power. So the parts of myself that are quote unquote superficial are often parts in myself where I hold a lot of power, as in liking myself, enjoying how I look. Because I I have these times when I'm just like, I feel fucking good. I feel really good, and that's a power in a world where they want you as a woman to um, as I say, don't be too big for your britches, don't like yourself, don't love yourself, but I do with all my quote unquote flaws and all my insecurities. I fucking love who I am, and I'm really working on loving the parts of myself that I don't, and that for me that means like loving on the parts of myself that also want to change parts of me, and just being like, thank you. I just see how you're trying to protect me, like, and all of that, and I've really noticed this as you know, like I've got older and I'm still young, I'm still a spring chicken, I'm only 40. Um, I remember thinking 40 was like super old, and now I'm like, I am so young now that I'm here. But it's like I I have noticed that now that I'm 40, like there are things that kind of come up that take a moment to get my head around, and then it's like, oh, can I can I can I love on this? So I'll I'll give an example, right? My hands, like I they say that your hands are one of the first places to age, right? I've really noticed like my hands have really aged, right? And I notice myself just being like, ah, like really struggling with it. And and it's like again, can you let all that come up without trying to fix it, right? But I let it come up, but then like the other day, I just um I just just loved on how like I just basically sent my hands love for like how they looked, and it came around. Um, actually, so I was listening to a woman on a YouTube video, right? And um she had hands similar to mine, and they'd like aged and stuff, and she was talking with her hands, which is something that that I do, right? I always talk with my hands, especially if I'm really like passionate about something. Like I don't like it, I I don't think about doing it, I just just do it, right? And I was like watching her hands and I was like, oh my gosh, she has the most beautiful hands. And I just thought, well, therefore, so do I. But society will tell me that if I if my hands don't look a certain way they're again because we're obsessed with youth, that there's something wrong, and I was just like, huh. Can I just love on them the way the way that the way that they are and also I'm so much more than how I look like and just let myself at times not like something and to you know come to a place of more neutrality. But it's also like I wanna I just I wanna just love on myself. I wanna love on on on like my fast talking, messy, unstructured, gets bitter, gets resentful, gets angry, has like, you know, fucking taboo desires and fantasies, like all the parts that society taught me was the most unlovable. I just want to love on those parts. And to go through it again, the parts of myself, again, the gluttony, the parts that in me that are really, really hungry, I want to love on those parts. The parts of myself that feel like sort of greedy and indulgent. I want to love on those parts. My lustful side, my envious side, my prideful side, my sloth side, like my rage side.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:51

It's just like what if not if it's a fucking flaw?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:59

And that's where I'm at. I I am just loving on the parts of myself that I've been taught are most unlovable including insecurities, including the parts that um I'm taught that I'm supposed to fix. And I don't think there's anything wrong with self-improvement if something makes you feel more confident, but I also know it can become a dangerous cycle where we're constantly trying to self-optimize, and I think there needs to be um a space for both. Because when I was not um taking care of myself, and all of these things like that did not feel good. That was not good for me, but it also doesn't feel good when I'm constantly trying to be better and just never being present with myself and never just allowing myself to exist as I am when I'm constantly trying to change myself. I think one of the most loving things that I have done for myself is just accepting myself, like not trying to be anybody but myself.

The Question To Take Away

SPEAKER_01 1:05:24

So I guess what I want to end this with is what parts of yourself do you feel you should be more different than you actually are like life's always gonna tell you that you should be different, right? I I I think about the um Caribou um song with Taylor Swift where like um Am I said that right? Claribel? I think I'm saying that wrong. But hopefully you know the song where like in this song, like the going through Different people, and one of the things they say about Taylor is like, you know, she should have more edge, she should be more of a bad bitch, she should be all of this. And it's like everybody's gonna tell you you should be more edgy, you should be more um sassy, or you should be less those things, and you should be more placid, and you should be more this and you should be more that, right? There's always gonna be a should, right? And we start internalizing these things, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:32

But what if you stop doing that?

SPEAKER_01 1:06:37

What if you stop doing that? What if you stop thinking, um, I don't know, your sex drive of your libido should be different? What if you stop telling yourself your your hunger should be any different? What if you stop telling yourself that um the way you look should be different, or the way you talk, or the way you express yourself, or the way you think, or the way you communicate, or the way that you process, or um the way that you rest, or like whatever it is, or the the way you deal with like challenges and all of these things, right? And I'm not saying, as I say, don't look at things that you know are potentially problematic for you. But what if so many of the things that you have taught about yourself that you need to change? What if it's just not actually true? What if it's just a trap? Because I think it is, and I think you just have to let yourself exist as you are and reclaim the things that you fear being cold or being associated with or happening. So, like for me, I needed to learn to be okay if somebody thought, as I say, I was this, that, and the other, right? Superficial, slut, disgusting, repulsive, like ugly, not attractive, whatever. And then hold this other side of me that wanted to um feel desirable, wanted power and stuff, because that is just I mean, that is a real beautiful thing that my soul or whatever you believe in wants me to have fucking power. Like, it doesn't want me to be powerless. It doesn't want me to be powerless. It wants, um yeah, it wants me to have influence, it wants me to have power, it wants um like it wants these things. Yeah. What if you just trusted the desires and and how you are? Anyway, I feel like I'm just repeating, repeating myself now.

Closing And Next Week Tease

SPEAKER_01 1:09:06

So I will be back next week with another episode. I've got a list of things and I'm not sure which one I'm gonna do do yet. Um, so I'm not sure what next week's episode is going to be. But have the most wonderful day or evening, depending on when you're listening to this, and I will chat to you then.