What To Do After Divorce

It's been a stressful and painful journey.  You knew the day was coming when you would come face to face with a  family law judge with a tremendous amount of power to make a decision that will forever impact your life for years to come. The judge granted the divorce. What now? 

If you find yourself in a place where you are looking back over your shoulder at the rubble that’s been left behind, you've gone through all the emotional ups and downs and you're wondering how in the world you will ever be able to move on. You will.   If you feel stuck and are asking yourself, "What do I do after the divorce?"  There is hope. I've been there and I want to help you.  In this  episode, I will share a few things you can do after your divorce to ease any anxiety you may be feeling.

"Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee; He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22.

Transcript

Unknown: 0:57

So, ladies, your natural instinct is to worry. You worry about your children, your health, your relationship and everything else under the sun. It's a classic case of worrywart syndrome. If you tend to worry needlessly, you are not alone. Well, welcome to the She Strives with Faith podcast with Berthena Jackson. Berthena is a two time divorcee, a single mother and war veteran who suffered from anxiety but learned to let go and let God. Berthena will share captivating and down to earth conversations on how to strive by faith. Here's your host Berthena Jackson.

BERTHENA JACKSON: 1:56

Hello, ladies, welcome back to the She Strives with Faith podcast, I hope you are having a fabulous, outstanding, phenomenal, joyful day. Okay. So listen, without further ado. I was asked a question about two days ago by a young lady named Linda and yes she is a real person. And the question that she asked me was, what do you do after a divorce? What a great question, Linda. Thinking about that question made me pause and think. You see, it's been 14 years since my divorce, and I had to go way, like way down memory lane to pull back some of that information because it's been a long time. And thinking about that time. You know, it really would have made me sad. But you know, not anymore. I used to feel like the battered black woman suffering in silence because I didn't want anyone to know how hurt I was. But listen, that was 14 years ago. This is 2022. And I am over that. I am doing really well. Okay. I've been down the journey of divorce. And so I do want to answer your question, with as much honesty as I possibly can. So back to the question, what do you do after a divorce? I don't claim to have all the answers. But I will tell you how I handled the final signing of the divorce decree. I will tell you what I went through when I left that courtroom. Plain and simple. Transparency is the best thing ever. It's good to be honest, right? There were days where I could not get out of bed. I was depressed. Sometimes I would spend an entire weekend in my room doing nothing other than thinking I want him back. Oh my gosh, I want him back. What have I done? But then reality would kick in. I can't take him back because he was emotionally abusive and disrespectful. So what did I do? I separated myself emotionally and distanced myself as much as possible from my ex husband. I also reestablished friendships and activities that brought me joy. I read the Bible, and I read many, many, many self help books. What also worked for me was putting my feelings on paper. I journaled a lot. Whatever I was feeling, thinking, remembering, I wrote it down. I wrote to God, I started my journaling off with Lord God helped me. I tapped into my spirituality, like my life depended on it. And every divorced woman needs coping strategies, because there are a lot of ways to cope with divorce. A lot of ways to cope with divorce and so I don't have the one good answer, because there's a lot of good answers out there. Okay, now, one thing I don't suggest is that you go and party like it's 1999 and bring home some stray man that you have never met before. I've seen women do that. That's not a good idea. Because people are crazy these days and you don't know what's in the mind of a man. Okay? And you're already trying to heal from a divorce. You really are not ready to jump into the dating scene so quick. So I don't suggest that. I did that once before and it did not go well for me. It just didn't work out. I was just with this man out of an emotional need. Okay. Anyway, and what we are not going to do is turn to alcohol or drugs, because that only dulls the pain, okay? It's a temporary fix, it does not get rid of the pain. It just numbs you. So you just don't feel anything. So we're not going to do that. All right. So let me get into some other things and break it down to you, that will help you after your divorce, like what you need to do or what you can do after a divorce. Break ties with your ex. And by that I mean start with some basic financial housekeeping. Because if you didn't button up these issues during the divorce already, you need to get started on that immediately. First, once your divorce judgment is entered, close out any joint accounts with your former spouse, open new accounts under your new name and disclose this to your attorney if you have one, because you want your money to be protected from that point onward. If you have credit cards under both your names, call your bank and disallow any future charges shut those cards down. You definitely don't want to be on the hook for any expenses that you're not incurring. And in a similar vein, change the beneficiary from your ex spouse to a loved one, whoever that is your daughter, your son, your mom, whoever, auntie, whoever that person is, change everything on your retirement accounts and any other assets that get transferred upon death, once your judgment is entered as really important. Another important thing that you want to do after that divorce is important, very important to list out what assets you own, that are covered by insurance policies. I'm talking about homeowners, and auto insurance policies, umbrella liability, insurance, all of those things. You want to clean those details up so that you can start off fresh with your new life. Let's move into the second. The second recommendation. Journaling. Journals are really good with helping you to express your heartbreak, any type of anger or frustration or confusion. Whatever you want to write in your journal is really up to you. Because it's your journal, and nothing is off limits. I mean, it doesn't matter if your script is ugly, scraggly, pretty, it could be in cursive or print. You can write in code if you want to, just keep writing so that you don't hold all that emotional stuff in. Now, here's something that's funny, but not funny. You know, I kept a notebook full of unmilled letters that I was going to mail to my ex husband after the divorce. And no, they were not love letters. Oh, no. They were like nasty grams. But I was smart enough not to do that. Okay. Not not a good thing. I'm not even asking you to do that. I'm not even recommending that you do that. But anyway, in my journals, I also use pictures, words and symbols. And some of the pages were even stained with my tears. For real, I'm just being real. But that was then. I also filled up at least four to five journals. Because I was listen, I was so overwhelmed. I had so much going on in my head that I had to get it on paper. I needed to get it out. So I journaled about things that I had discussed with my sister friends, my mother, anybody that was in my close circle, people I could trust. I mean, I wrote to God about my hopes and dreams. I even asked God to take away the pain and the disappointment. And honey after I signed those divorce papers, the reality of it. I mean, it really hit home for me, and I cried like Ruth, you know, Ruth from the Bible, when she lost her husband and her two sons, and she cried out to Jehovah, why have you taken my husband? That's how I felt. Listen, those first few years were rough. But you know what? God carried me through it all. Without his love and protection. Well, guess what? I wouldn't be here talking about divorce on this podcast. Ladies, all I can say is that it was a process and the journaling helped me get back to my normal happy self. Let's talk about self help books. I personally like self help books I have many on my shelf. Because the self help books allow you to draw strength from other women's words and experiences. Self help books written by different women are so inspiring. Man they give you hope in the darkest hours. Many women who survived divorce indicated they found comfort in reading books, such as one that comes to mind is Chicken Soup

for the Soul: 10:49

Divorce and Recovery. There's a lot of stories real life stories in that book that really helped my state of mind. You know, self help books help you identify positive characteristics in yourself. Because there's some great things about you that you stopped believing because that man told you some things that were untrue. Yeah, he broke you down. He criticized you and so you stopped believing in yourself. Your self esteem was so low it was on the ground. But when you read those self help books, man, those books really uplift you. They encourage you. Okay, let's move on to spiritual ality. I can't say enough about spirituality, because it was my love and faith in God and me knowing that he loved me more than words could ever express, that got me through my divorce journey. Yeah. So having a very strong sense of spirituality will help you develop a new perspective on life and create positive goals. It reminds us that God has a better plan for us. Isn't that beautiful? So to my sister friend who asked the question, what do you do after divorce? Linda, stay connected to your church home. Okay, and here's something else. I want you to remember this. God did not cause your divorce, and he's not mad at you. How often do we think that God is mad at us? Because we got to divorce. You see, when Christians talk about divorce, we often miss an important distinction. Yes, God hates divorce. But he does not hate the divorcee. See, Yes, God hates sin, but not sinners. You see, we forget sometimes that Jesus died for us and it was God's greatest act of love to his children while we were still sinners. So please stop beating yourself up. And trust me. When you look back and see how far you come. You'll know you made the right decision. Okay. You will know that you made the right decision. Here's another key point about spirituality. You can overcome the pain, anger and the sadness. I was a believer when I went through my divorce. I loved Jesus. I believe my sins were forgiven. But honey, I had no victory, no peace. I had no joy in my life. I felt condemned all the time. Man, do you realize how much you can get worn out burned out frustrated and miserable with all of that going on. But I believe with all my heart and a God who could help me get through my divorce, if I let him in. I'm reminded of Romans chapter eight, verse 28, that says in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, He loves us. Okay, it also says: who have been called according to His purpose, for everything to work together for our good. God has to be in control of all things. You see, everything that happens to us is God allowed and God filtered. Every ounce of pain, hurt the tears, emotions and anger, it all passed through God's hands, and he has allowed it to happen. Yeah, we can waste a lot of time asking why? Why doesn't change the fact that the divorce happened. But asking God, what is he teaching us can start a change in our heart that we thought could never be possible. The mistakes that you and I made in our marriage has led to guilt, baggage and labels. We've defined ourselves with shame and guilt. But Romans chapter eight verse one says, There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Let me say that again. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Moving forward, start by letting God in. God still wants to do great things in you and through you. I thought God was finished with me. I did. I assumed he couldn't use me anymore. I know you feel the same, right? That God can't use you. You think you're damaged goods because you're divorced? Listen, my sister if you're not dead, God's not done. Okay. What else can you do after divorce? Find a social support network. I personally didn't seek out a social support meeting because I was too reserved and private. I had a hard time telling strangers about my personal life. But listen, don't let me stop you do. Do what works for you. Social support networks, from what I've heard are worth it if you can find a good one. It doesn't hurt to have a backup just in case, the one that you found doesn't work out. But I warn you sisters, be careful that you're not connecting with other divorce women who are stuck on the past. You want to be happy again and get on with your amazing life. You don't have time to keep revisiting the past, the past is in the past, you're in the future now. So you got to look forward. And see, listen, if all these women want to talk about is there physical, sexual or emotional abuse, then that may not be the support group for you. They're still trying to get through their hurt and pain, they're still trying to relive what happened. You don't, you don't need to be in that kind of group. You need to see if you can connect with women who share similar cultural and interpersonal experiences like you. Because there's nothing like being with women who truly understand and can relate to your story. Here's another suggestion. Balance your single life and dating because it's really tempting to jump back in the dating game again. But it may be best to take it slow, because divorce can really take an emotional toll. So spend some time taking care of yourself before fully signing on to take care of someone else again, especially if you have kids. You see it starts with you. Healthy relationships are born when two people who are strong and healthy, come together. Then that way, they grow stronger together. And it's not to say that you're not a strong person for going through a divorce. That's not what I'm saying. Because of course you're strong. All I'm saying is that, hold off. Don't be too hasty. Wait a little bit before you jump into another relationship. And lastly, remember, you spend time building up your ex. Now that you're out, excuse me, now that they're out of the picture, it's time for you to invest time in learning how to thrive as a single person. So build yourself up after divorce. All right, and I have a few suggestions on how to do this. Some of the things that I will suggest, maybe you were thinking about taking some college courses. Why not do that now. Okay, finish your degree, I went back to school to finish my master's degrees. It's the best decision I ever made. I said before, read self help books or listen to inspirational podcasts, like this one. Stay physically active, hit that gym and eat nutritious food. You can also spend some quality time with family and friends, probably things that you weren't able to do when you were going through your divorce process. Also, finally work with a therapist or a divorce coach. You can do that as well. I mean, I would love to work with you, I figure you know, I call myself and I am a divorce recovery coach. So I would love to help get you through your divorce journey. So anyway, moving on. My final words for you is that in order for you to succeed in life after divorce, you'll need to be resourceful and comfortable being single. And this way you can create a foundation of autonomy. accountability, and you can have a healthy lifestyle that contributes to making others around you feel good, and you'll feel good as well. In this way, when you do meet the right person, you'll both benefit from the personal work that you've both done. So I just want to thank Linda for asking the question. It was a good one. And I hope Linda that you found my answer to be valuable. Listen beautiful queens, my time is up. My prayer for all of you is that your life should be like a tree planted by the rivers the water that brings forth it's fruit in his season, whose leaf also shall not wither and whatever, whatever you do shall prosper. In the name of Jesus. Listen, ladies, have a blessed rest of the week. Until next time, keep striving with faith. God bless you. I love you with the love of Jesus. Bye for now.

Unknown: 20:42

Thank you for listening to the She Strives with Faith podcast. To hear more about how you can tap into the power of striving with faith. Join her next week. If you found value in the episode, give her a rating or tell a friend about the show. Follow Berthena on Facebook and Instagram for a more personal chat. Until next time strive to keep faith alive.