Should I Invite Him Over?

 Every woman has the right to set her own sexual limits, and to change those limits as they wish. If someone genuinely cares for you, they will respect those limits and not force themselves on you.  Date or acquaintance rape is more common than we think.  If you are a woman and you are dating a new guy and are thinking about inviting him over, you should be able to answer these three questions: How long have you known him?  Can you trust him? Do you have a back up plan in case something goes wrong?  Listen to the podcast to find out why it's important to give these three questions some serious thought.

2 Samuel 13:14: "But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her."

Transcript

Unknown: 0:58

Ladies, your natural instinct is to worry. You worry about your children, your health, your relationship and everything else under the sun. It's a classic case of worrywart syndrome. If you tend to worry needlessly, you are not alone. Welcome to the She Strives With Faith podcast with Berthena Jackson. Berthena is a two time divorcee, single mother and war veteran who suffered from anxiety but learned to let go and let God. Berthena will share captivating and down to earth conversations on how to strive by faith. Here's your host Berthena Jackson.

BERTHENA JACKSON: 1:56

Hello, and welcome back to the She Strives With Faith podcast. How are you doing? I hope you are having a wonderful Fourth of July. My fourth of July was amazing. But I want to go ahead and get into this podcast right? Ladies, you know dating is...dating a new guy is so exciting, right? You've been talking to this guy on the phone for weeks, the chemistry is good. You've had two enjoyable dates at a restaurant, you've had a walk in the park and at least one trip to the movie theater. And so you want to spend more time with him in private. But you know, the only way to do that is to invite him to your house. You want to impress him with your skills in the kitchen, right? Because you can throw down in the kitchen and you tell yourself it's time to show your new guy what his future will look like if he decides to stay in the relationship. You take the next step and you invite him over. And he doesn't refuse. So when you open the door to invite him in, honey you are wearing an outfit that flatters your curves, your hair and makeup is done to perfection and you look absolutely gorgeous. The expression on his face is proof that you look stunning. And that's not all. The evening has just begun. You have put the icing on the cake, because you have prepared a four course meal. I'm talking appetizer, main dish and dessert with a nice bottle of wine and great conversation. Okay, but let me pause right here and ask you a question. Even though you got a really good feeling about this guy, did you ever think it might be too soon to invite him over? I'm not trying to scare you. I'm not trying to say that you should have given it more thought. I want you to hear what I'm saying and take it as a sister providing advice to another sister. Let me share this story with you. It's actually from the movie For Colored Girls produced by Tyler Perry. The drama was intense and there were several scenes that were tear jerkers. I mean, I was deeply moved to tears when Yasmine played by Anika Noni Rose was raped in her own home by a man she thought she could trust. Yasmine was a happy go lucky woman who experienced date rape. This woman was positive and her goals in life were basically to assist other young women and bettering their lives through dance. Yasmine had a dance school and offered a scholarship so the girls could go to college and study dance because it made such a difference in her life. She was a trusting and kind person, when she met the wrong guy. She trusted the wrong guy. After several dates, she invited this guy to her home and he raped her and it forever changed her life. Ladies, date rape is real. It still occurs. It is estimated that 80% of rape cases are date rape. Rape is a global problem and the United States is no exception. It is a violent crime. It is defined as the unlawful sexual activity involving sexual intercourse performed without consent or forcibly or under threat or injury against a person's will. And the United States about 43.6% of women and 24.8% of men experience some form of sexual violence in their lifetime, according to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey. Now I am your sister friend, and I want to be upfront with you because I understand the life that you are going through as a woman in a way that a man is not going to understand. You see, men think differently when you invite them to your home. So my suggestion is that you wait until you know him better? Would you agree that it is never a good idea to invite a guy to your home until you know he can be trusted? Now, I can't tell you what that looks like for you. But let's just say, a background check and a Google search did not return any negative results. I think that's good evidence that he's probably a good person. But I would still suggest that you wait. Wait several weeks before you invite him over. I do want to tell you about a guy. I call him the CAN I COME OVER GUY. You know, the type. This man is easy to detect, because as soon as you get to know him, and he picks up on the fact that you're very comfortable with him, he'll ask you can he come over. Now notice I didn't say out on a date. You say he'll make sure that he wines and dines you. He may take you out twice to a restaurant because he wants to show you he's a great guy. He wants to charm you, so eventually you'll trust him. And ladies, let's be real. It's an effective strategy that works like a charm. But here's an important piece of information. When you are dealing with the CAN I COME OVER GUY, dating outside the house is short term. You see with him you have two options. You can go to his house or he can come to your house. And in most cases the CAN I COME OVER GUY prefers to come to your house. Why? Because he knows he'll get the royal king treatment. You know what I'm talking about, a home cooked meal, wine, comfortable sofa, big screen television, nice music, you set the ambiance. And another reason he may insist on coming to your house is that he may be hiding a secret. He may have a wife or girlfriend.Or, he might not even have any furniture. Okay, seriously. I went to a guy's house and he had no living room furniture. When I walked into his house, all I saw was a kitchen table. And then he took me downstairs in the basement and he had nothing but a couch, and a workout bench and a television in his basement. It was weird and a little scary. Let me tell you, I stayed for about two hours and I quickly went home and I never went back. I'm telling you the truth. Crazy. But you know what? God was watching out for me because I was just so naive back then. But anyway, back to this CAN I COME OVER GUY? So with the CAN I CAN OVER GUY, living room dates are the ultimate deal for him. Because in his mind, why go out when there's a perfectly comfortable couch in front of a large TV with digital cable and a DVD player. I mean, he could kick off his shoes, get comfy, sip some wine and head to the bedroom only 500 feet away. Options are everything right? Mm hmm. The CAN I COME OVER GUY has a different type of coupling in mind. And let me tell you, if you decide to invite him over, you better establish the ground rules ahead of time, or your romantic evening can turn into a romantic nightmare. Years ago I had an encounter with a CAN I COME OVER GUY. We met and talked on the phone a few times. We both worked at the same agency so I knew him. One Saturday I invited him over for a low key friendly evening of popcorn and movie watching. He accepted. You see, all I wanted was a fun quiet date. Now before I invited this man over, I told my 16 year old son, I was having company and I needed him to keep his ears open for cries of help. I wasn't playing. After that, I began to prepare the house for the CAN I COME OVER MAN. And when he showed up, he noticed the dimmed lighting, the popcorn, refreshing bottles of water and the scented candles. And in my mind I thought maybe I had done too much and he might get the wrong idea. Well, he kept his distance during most of the movie, but then he asked me to sit next to him on the couch. I was a little anxious, but I granted his wish. Then he said I was sitting too far away and to move closer. I didn't want to but I did anyway. Ladies don't be like me all wishy washy when it comes to setting boundaries. Stand your ground and don't let anyone, any man convince you otherwise. Avoid giving mixed signals. Y'all know men don't know the difference between a red light which means stop or green light which means proceed. For a man, if our words don't match our actions, then we are leading them on. For them, we want them and we are just playing hard to get. So ladies, be careful about those mixed signals because you're playing with fire and once that fire gets going, it's hard to put it out. It is better to just, just maintain social distancing. Okay. So anyway, back to the story. When I moved in just a little closer, not thigh touching close, he pulled me closer. So now here we are thigh to thigh, hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder, we are warm and cozy. And that's when I smelled the alcohol on his breath. Oh boy, a man who has been drinking alcohol. That scares me because I don't know where his mindset is. I kept thinking, I'm in trouble. I am in trouble when this movie ends. That's what I kept feeling. In my mind I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. The minute the movie was over, I turned around to tell him, I enjoyed his company. He said he enjoyed spending time with me as well. Then he leaned in for a kiss. I did my best to avoid the kiss. There was no way I was going to kiss him knowing he had been drinking. I just didn't know where that would lead. And I felt that I wouldn't have any control. So I laughed and playfully but seriously resisted his advances and told him, I don't kiss on the first home visit. Something silly like that. Thankfully, he was a gentleman. And he was respectful. He did not force himself on me. And at the same time, I knew my 5 foot 10 son was just seconds away. So, before he had another chance to persuade me to give him a kiss, I told him it was time for him to leave. I made up some story about having to get up early to take my son to hockey. And he agreed to leave. Girlfriend, I narrowly escaped what could have been an aggressive situation. Now when I told the story to my brother, he said, Well, why don't you invite him over? What did you expect? I didn't even have an answer to my brother's question. I mean, I guess I expected a nice evening, not a lustful man who wanted me for my body. My brother just smugly suggested that perhaps seeing a movie in an actual theater might have been better. Haha. My brother thinks he is so smart when it comes to dating, but he's not. But I did take his advice. For the next time, I decided that I'm just going to invite the guy to a movie and be safe. Now let me say this. Of course not all CAN I COME OVER GUYS are sexual predators. There are men who generally want to talk, play a board game or watch a movie. Some of my friends have invited men into their homes and they told me that their CAN I COME OVER MAN didn't try to be slick or clever. They said he didn't try to take advantage of their hospitality. I won't go so far as to say sex is not on a man's mind. But if he is mature, he will be able to control his sexual urges. Listen, my sister if you are dating someone new, instead of inviting him to your home too soon invite him to a get together with many people such as a party, a cookout or even a daytime group sports event. Now if he's doing a drop by, like a quick drop by. No problem, just talk to him outside your front door. See, you all may think I'm being over the top, but I've seen some crazy things in my day. And I guess watching True Crime doesn't help because that feeds into my imagination. Anyway, I can't tell you what to do. I can only give advice. So ladies, please use caution when inviting a man that you hardly know to your home. If he is interested in getting to know you then it will not matter if he meets you at the zoo or at the public library. You know after the situation at my home, I am thankful nothing crazy happened. For the sake of protecting myself I am more careful about inviting a man to my home in the initial stages of getting to know him. I'm also cautious of late night invites particularly after alcohol is involved, because at that point, the lines could get blurred between the CAN I COME OVER and the BOOTY CALL, which is the subject of an entirely different episode. Anyway, I hope your dating journey does not turn out like mine. Happy dating girlfriend. Do you? Just be careful. Now that concludes my advice for "IS IT TOO SOON TO INVITE A MAN TO YOUR HOME. Before I leave you I want to ask you are you saved? Because Romans chapter 10 Verse 9 says that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart, that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. Beloved, this is your opportunity to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. If you are ready, I want you to repeat after me, dear Lord, I am a sinner, I repent of my sins, and I need your forgiveness. I believe you died in my place, and rose from the grave to make me new, and to prepare me to live in your presence forever. Jesus, come into my life. Take control of my life, forgive my sins and save me. I place my trust in you alone for my salvation, and I accept your free gift of eternal life. Thank you, Lord, in the Name of Jesus, I have prayed. Amen. Beloved sister, even though you recited the this prayer, reciting a prayer cannot save you. If you want to receive the salvation that is available through Jesus, place your faith in Him. Full trust his death as the sufficient sacrifice for your sins. Completely rely on Him alone as your Savior. Okay, as always, thank you so much for listening to theShe Strives With Faith podcast. I hope you enjoyed the episode. I hope you'll tune in again for another episode. And if you enjoyed the episode, please share with a friend. Also feel free to reach out to me on social media. I love you with the love of Jesus. God bless you until we chat again. Bye for now.

Unknown: 17:49

Thank you for listening to the She Strives With Faith podcast. To hear more about how you can tap into the power of striving with faith, join her next week. If you found value in the episode, give her a rating or tell a friend about the show. Follow Berthena on Facebook and Instagram for a more personal chat. Until next time, strive to keep faith alive.