E41: Agata's Session: ROCD Healing, Attraction Issues, Statements vs Questions, Brain Fog & More!

In this session, I help Agata explore her ROCD by using the Internal Family Systems Therapy model. We explored parts of her who demand she leave her relationship, question attraction, and hyperfixate on height differences, block her access to parts, and give her brainfog and eventually heal an inner child who carries the shame that something is wrong with her. It's a session you won't want to miss!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Alright, everybody, welcome back to another episode of the For Love We Hill podcast. I've got Agata with me today. Um, we're gonna be doing uh uh a session together. Uh so I just want to thank you, Agata, for coming on the podcast. And maybe we can start by uh if you can tell uh everybody a little bit about yourself and maybe what you've been struggling with. Um and then we can find a path forward in terms of where you want to focus in today on a piece of inner work together.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

At this- I'm I think I'm at the point where I'm so much better than when I used to be. I think like over the years I've gathered so much information around ROCD and also around my own patterns that it helped me to basically get on the other side, and now I have more days uh where I'm feeling like almost like symptoms-free, which is great. But then I feel like there's always something that just drags me back to let's let's call it a baseline, and it sometimes feels like a vicious cycle when let's say I would I would maybe have like a week without ROCD, or that would die spiraling, and then I would start having thoughts of like, oh, maybe I just don't have ROCD at all, maybe I'm just fully healed. But then what if maybe I never had ROCD before? So but then but what that whole experience that I had before means? Does it mean that I actually have to go to the show?

SPEAKER_02 1:31

Oh damn.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

It's very sneaky.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

It's sneaky.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

It is very sneaky, and I feel like at this point, like at the beginning, definitely there was a lot of what ifs, even though now I just presented you one example of what if, but I feel like at the beginning it was like, what if I don't love my partner? Uh what if I'm not attracted? But now it turned more into statements that yeah, you just don't love your partner, you just are not attracted. And I feel like the more I heal, the harder the like comeback is, if you know what I mean. Like Yes, yes, yes. So like the more I healed and the more like symptoms-free I am, uh, let's say, then if I actually start experiencing some symptoms, like like I just said, oh, I feel like I have no ROCD, but then I start having those thoughts again, and they're more as a statement instead of like typical questions, you know. It's like, oh shit, what if this time it's real? Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

That's right. So very common experience.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Yeah, yeah. And that's why I feel like I keep like bouncing back, even though definitely I've grew so much over those past couple of years. Um, and I've learned so much, and I I have like deeper also understanding of of my of myself. That's quite and yet those thoughts can still like sneak back. And especially it's not even the thoughts, it's like this feeling of something is not right.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

Something's not right or something's wrong.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

Something is wrong.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

And I and you experience that as like a physical sensation or something in your body, or it's hard to tell because I I'm definitely more like cerebral cerebral, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

That's the word. Cerebral.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

Cerebral, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

Uh so like I'm definitely more in my head, and because of that, sometimes I just don't really realize what's happening in my body. That's it. But there's always like this, I don't know, like doom or like this like weird kind of I would say more mental feeling, but I don't know if that makes sense. Because feelings are in the body, but still, yeah, it's like this like, oh, something is wrong. And I also know like my main um pattern uh in my relationship is surrounding like physical attraction.

SPEAKER_02 3:53

Is it that was mine?

SPEAKER_01 3:55

Yes, yeah, it would it's the main one. Um and so far I think I like realized a couple of things um in regards to even the parts that maybe we could work with today.

SPEAKER_06 4:11

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

Because and I actually actually wanted to ask you, does like my conceptualization of my parts does it like uh make the process maybe like hinders the process later on as we do IFS?

SPEAKER_02 4:27

Or what do you mean?

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Because like, you know, now I have uh let's say like uh cognitive idea of what can be going on. And do you think my interpretation of it would like interpret? No, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 4:40

Give me give me your interpretation of it. I think that's great.

SPEAKER_01 4:42

Yeah, yeah. Uh yeah, because uh like the part that usually screams at the fact that I'm not attracted to my to my partner, or maybe the part that just like straight up criticizes his physical appearance, it feels very juvenile. Yes. It feels like this teenager that just knows the best. Yes, you know, and it's like the teenager that just understands uh social rules and I have to follow those rules.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

And I know that in high school, for example, I've always been uh this like shy, invisible girl, you know. Yeah, and I remember I've been quite I would say jealous of like popular girls around me, and because I you know I would see them getting all the attention and love from others, and I was just I had friends, of course, but I I think I craved this sort of attention. Yeah and uh nowadays I think I started like going out more to people and like having like making new friends and being surrounded by the lot of women and uh and like feeling more in like let's say feminine and stuff like that. And uh because of that, there is like fear that okay, I reached let's say this popular girl standard, but then it means I have to follow those rules.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

Like you were with your partner from a place of non-popular or something, or yeah, like like because my partner is shorter than me, for example.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

Oh yeah, I am I'm quite tall, and he's not much shorter, he's like one inch shorter, so it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_02 6:38

Probably not even uh yeah, visible, but but you visible to you over that, yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

Yeah, it's like oh, like as a let's say a pretty girl should have like a tall, hot boyfriend, you know. This is the rule that you should follow.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

That's right. Societal rule, if you will, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

Yeah, exactly. And it's it's very silly. Um and you know, when I spend time with my partner, I I can't like feel attracted to him when I know when I'm feeling great, when I'm when I'm not spiraling, that's what I mean. Uh I can find him attractive, handsome, but sometimes when I, for example, look in the mirror when we both are together in front of the mirror, and I can see the differences in our height, for example. Yeah, immediately like the checking, you know.

SPEAKER_02 7:25

Exactly. You hyperfixate on it.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

And then I'm like, oh Jesus, I don't know if you know people would accept us if we don't look good together.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

Exactly. If people would accept us.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

I think that's that's the main thing right now.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

Well, you have a lot of awareness around it. You know, I mean, you clearly you've you mentioned earlier you've done a lot of work and you've learned a lot and you've gathered a bunch of information that's helped a ton, and you have lots of periods of time when you're feeling good, and every now and again you get taken back underground, whether it's a thought, which you're saying it used to be more of like the questions, but now it's more of the statements of like I don't love him, or I'm not attracted to, or you're not attracted to him, right? Yeah. And um and you have a lot of awareness around how it's like linked to um you know growing up and being shy and and then and and craving that cord sort of attention and validation. Um and you you have a sense of it's it's a being it's an acceptance thing around others. Like you keep saying, you know, others would accept if others would accept us, or if I'd be rejected by my peers, or whatever. So that's great. I think the intellect intellectualization of it is is fantastic. I would say it's probably it's probably a bit of both. I would say you maybe it's a bit of intellectualization, but maybe it's a bit of sensing into your experience and kind of knowing that that's what it's related to as well. Does that land? Like maybe it's not just I've kind of figured it all out from uh here, but maybe it's you know, maybe it's a culmination of things.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

I mean, like over the years I definitely realized that just thinking is not enough. Like I can think so much, and I can I had so many, let's say, breakthroughs when I was like, oh, I I understand it now, but it doesn't mean the feelings and thoughts go away. Exactly. It actually sometimes like hijacked it. So like I would learn more and more and more, but then my ROCD would just like turn it upside down, and and for some reason I like experiences like amnesia when I completely forgot everything I just realized because are just still there.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

Exactly, and these are your parts at work, right? Like they they're like, okay, well, again figured out this, but we're gonna go around. I mean, you hear the back door spike, right? I'm gonna go around this way and pitch it that way. That'll catch her off guard because she's not she maybe she wasn't prepared for that one, and then it spooks a fearful part that's like, oh no, what does this mean? Right? So I call these parts like baiting parts, like they they have ways of twisting thoughts in a way that's gonna scare you and then cause you to disconnect or cause you to ruminate. And it's partly a control thing, right? It's like, well, if I can get you to obsess, then I can get you in control in your head again and thinking, and then you're not feeling, you know, like there's anyway, we can explore some of that stuff, but um yeah, I just want to say that uh I also realized like it's fascinating how much the disconnection and being in your head can actually distort your perception of your partner because like I said, now I'm experiencing more of the good days, and I can see how that also affects how I see my partner.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Yeah. Suddenly he is more handsome, suddenly he he like his height doesn't bother me at all. I actually experienced, I actually appreciate the fact that maybe we are like less convenient conventional couple, you know? Yeah, but then maybe it would catch something else, like just grab different kind of uh trade that maybe I wouldn't like at the time, and then go back to the square war.

SPEAKER_02 11:23

It's cra you're right, it's crazy. It still blows my mind, and I've been sitting with people for for years uh doing this work. It still blows my mind, it's both personally too. I mean, I'm not obsessing anymore about things, but it blows my mind how one day I can look at my partner and be like, wow, she looks amazing, and another day I'm like, Oh, this looks something strange, you know? Like, um, and it doesn't bother me anymore, it just is what it is. But it's so it's such a drastic shift, and that's and I think that's hard for people to understand, especially when they're in it, because it just feels like the truth when it's like right in front of you. You're like, Well, like I'm they're just not attractive anymore. Like, I'm seeing it with my own eyes, but not realizing how the mind can be so our perception can be so influenced by our emotional states and what's going on inside. So we can't, I was like, say, most of us, especially with relationships, we can't trust our feelings per se. We have to go off other ways of making decisions, right? Because our feelings and our emotions are so all over the place. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Um and it's and it's hard because you know, I am in therapy and we are working on how to how can I learn to trust myself more. That's essentially the goal. And I love this goal, but like I said, the moment I feel better, and then I'm like, oh, so now I'm trusting myself more. But then if this one thought or feeling shows up, then it's like, okay, if you're trusting yourself now, so then it means you have to follow this feeling, you have to follow this feeling.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

That's a bit confusing, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Very confusing, but I also learned to like accept everything that comes, and that's really that's very uncomfortable, extremely uncomfortable. But the moment I I also do like uh EFT tapping, I don't know if you heard about it. Yeah, yeah, that also helps me like just to focus on the feeling. Good.

SPEAKER_02 13:22

Just yeah, just stay with the feeling. Yeah, exactly. One thing I will say before we dive in, trust. So think about this. So, what is it? I think we have to actually talk about what does it mean to trust yourself more, right? Like, what does that even mean? That's such a that's such a broad concept. Well, I think, and I don't know, have you done any IFS before? Do you know the model? Like internal families?

SPEAKER_01 13:48

I just listened to the audiobook, the about the parts, so you know self, right?

SPEAKER_02 13:52

Capital S self.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_02 13:55

So capital, so trusting your, I would say capital S self more, and then and then that can be kind of uh, you know, that that can be a bit broad, but what does it say when we're trusting yourself more? Well, you're in curiosity, compassion, connectedness, all these Cs, right? But when we're viewing the world through fear or we're seeing uh we're critical or we're seeing things as not, you know, that's not a sign of parts taken over, right? So I don't even like the whole self-trust thing because I think that naturally happens just as a byproduct through doing the work. I think it can be a little bit confusing, but nonetheless, um it's it's how you're feeling when you're feeling at your best. And when you're feeling at your best, things are great, you know?

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Yeah, yeah. And definitely at this point, I can even see the difference between the intuition that you have when the it's the ROCD talking and the intuition that you feel when when it's gone. It feels much warmer. It feels yeah, it feels like this embodied self-trust that people are talking about.

SPEAKER_06 15:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Whereas the ROCD intuition, it's more like like shrinking feeling. And yeah, because I don't know if everybody experiences the same way, but in my case, it's like this authoritative voice telling you what you have to do.

SPEAKER_02 15:33

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

And that makes you feel like a small child.

unknown 15:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

But because you don't want to feel like a small child, you're like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna do this because that's the right thing to do.

SPEAKER_02 15:44

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

Very rigid, it's very tough. It doesn't feel great.

SPEAKER_02 15:48

It doesn't, it's terrible, right? So out of these parts, right, like the authoritative voice, the uh you know, which with the criticizing the appearances, the obsessing, the whatever, what what do you want to focus in on today? What feels most important? The statements.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

Um I mean, I was thinking of that um of that teenager. That was the one.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

The teenager.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

The one who Because I I don't know, sometimes I feel like maybe they're working together, like this authoritative voice can be sometimes the teenager.

SPEAKER_06 16:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:31

Like being like screaming, you know, like this, like teenage being like, ah, just you have to do this, you have to listen to me. But sometimes it can be also like the parental voice, being like more maybe rational and also screaming at me, but for different reasons, you know.

SPEAKER_02 16:45

Got it. Okay, so what I'll invite you to do then, if you're comfortable with it, close your eyes.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 16:54

Okay. You comfortable with that? Closing your eyes? Okay, good. Okay, and notice the seat under you that supports you. And you can just find your breath too if that feels good. Don't have to change your breath in any way, but in a way that feels comfortable, just find your breath. And um, and as you start to shift your attention inside, I want you to just start to kind of listen. Just become aware of these different parts of you. The authoritative voice that's more that's teenage-like, or the other the one that's more um grown up, or just see how you can start to get in touch with some of these parts of you that you've named today. Let me know what you start to how you start to hear them or sense them or see them or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

For now, there is just a lot of like anxious thoughts of like, oh, am I definitely comfortable right now? Oh, I'm too hot right now. Oh comfortable.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

Oh, okay. Okay. So like there's there's the a there's anxious thoughts around if you're comfortable or not, or if you're too okay. Notice that, that's really important. Notice that anxiousness. And where do you notice that in or around your body?

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Maybe I should open the window.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

Yeah. Yeah. Was it hot before we started?

SPEAKER_01 18:52

I think it's just out of like nervousness. I'm getting hungry, you know.

SPEAKER_02 18:56

So let let your part know. You can open a window, but maybe we stay with this first, right? So there's a nervous part, right? Yeah. That's tot's just say, just speak internally and say it's okay. We we can welcome this nervous part forward. Of course you're nervous. You're so welcome here. Yeah, and we can let it we can let it sort of tell us a little bit about why it's nervous or what it's concerned about.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

I think I just this far just wants the session to be um as effective as it can be. Or I guess the presentation to be the same.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

The presentation of it.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

So for others?

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Yeah, but also for myself, to make sure that it hits, you know.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Okay, okay. Well, you can let it know it may or may not. My guess is it will, but you know, it's gonna be what it will be. It's we But what's a concern about like if it didn't hit or it wasn't a good presentation?

SPEAKER_04 20:26

I see.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Okay, what would what and what would be bad about that?

SPEAKER_00 20:38

No, probably just feeling itself.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

There's a shame, right? Yeah. And like maybe so there's a feeling itself, but is there maybe a sense of what it might say about you if you let me down or you let yourself down?

SPEAKER_00 21:05

Something is wrong with me.

SPEAKER_04 21:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 21:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

I must be crazy, something must be wrong.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

Must be crazy. Yeah, and how does that relate to some of your OCD stuff stuff?

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Even the fact that you know I consider having a ROCD sometimes make me feel like, oh Jesus, so I'm crazy. Sometimes I have a breakup or just just so I don't so so I can prove myself that oh with the next partner I won't have those feelings. So it means that I'm not actually crazy. I see.

SPEAKER_02 21:57

That's that's kinda sad. Would you say? Just see if how do you feel toward this anxious part that's worried that you're not gonna perform or you're not gonna that you're gonna let me down or let yourself down and something's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_00 22:21

I mean I just I just feel sad right now.

SPEAKER_02 22:24

Yeah. Can you let yourself be be in that? Do you feel sad for you, or do you feel sad because of this? You know, do you is it like I like is it like uh what a sad reality, the fact that I have to the fact that I have part of me that feels this way in here, or is it like I feel sad because I feel like something's wrong with me, and I also feel sad. You know?

SPEAKER_00 22:56

Yeah. I think it's sadness because of this being my reality.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Yeah, like grief.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:06

Oh good, that's really good. Let allow let's just welcome that grief. You're so welcome here. It's it is really sad. That's it.

SPEAKER_04 23:24

No. No. That's it.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

And it's probably uh impacted you in many, many ways in your life. It's taken it's taken from you in in a way.

SPEAKER_00 23:44

Yeah, because I feel like I can't experience what everybody else experienced, you know.

SPEAKER_06 23:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:51

Even though I have a beautiful partner that loves me so much and I love him so much, and yet because of the doubts and the netpicking and criticizing, it's just I feel like I cannot fully enjoy it.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Yeah, that's right. That's right. So of course there's gonna be sadness and grief there. What's it like to just make space for this grief?

SPEAKER_00 24:26

Yeah, I think it's gonna be here.

SPEAKER_02 24:29

Good. It can be here, right?

unknown 24:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

Good. So welcome it. Can you kind of hold your heart open toward it? Like is there space between you and it?

SPEAKER_00 24:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:45

Oh good. So kind of just offer it your compassion. Let it know you really really get it. That's a then notice the effect that you, your loving awareness has on this part of you who carries these losses.

SPEAKER_04 25:41

Good.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

I'm still sad when that's okay.

SPEAKER_04 25:45

Yeah. Yeah. Good.

SPEAKER_02 25:53

Stay with it. Without needing to do anything here, we're just gonna be present. Allow the warmth to s emanate forward for this grief.

SPEAKER_04 26:27

That's it.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

See what it might just be the same, but see if that evolves at all or that takes you anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

Well, I think I'm I just feel like all the Okay, good.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

Okay, good. So let that grieving part know you know it's there. And we're gonna shift back to the anxious part if that feels right. Okay, good. The one that was afraid you wouldn't perform well or you'd let me down or let you down, right? Okay, good. Yeah, and it's protecting you from feeling shame, right? Like that there's something wrong with you. Okay. Do you want to just do you wanna make that the focus of today? Or or do you want us do you want us to see if we can put that part in a safe place and we go to more of the teenage uh part?

SPEAKER_01 27:33

I'm still curious about the teenage part because it's always present when I spiral. Okay. So get to know her a bit.

SPEAKER_02 27:42

Okay. So let this one that's um that's worried about you not performing and stuff, see how it's if it's feeling a little bit better now.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

Or if it's I think I got like confirmation that everything is gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_02 28:00

Yeah, that's good. Okay. Great. Alright, so thank that one. Yeah. And let's invite forward the teenage part. And let me know how it shows up.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

It's immediately like squeezing in my belly.

SPEAKER_06 28:29

Oh, is it?

SPEAKER_00 28:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 28:31

Oh good, okay. That's right.

SPEAKER_04 28:37

Squeezing. What else?

SPEAKER_00 28:59

I don't know. It's like I I think I'm like getting out of brain foggy.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

Yeah.

unknown 29:08

No?

SPEAKER_02 29:10

Yeah. That's good. That's good. So notice the brain fog. Because that's another part of you. That's we we call those like dissociative parts. You you do you?

unknown 29:24

I yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:25

Me too. Me too. So high brain fog. How do you feel toward the brain fog as it comes in?

SPEAKER_00 29:35

I usually judge it.

SPEAKER_02 29:37

Do you?

SPEAKER_00 29:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

Then maybe maybe the part about performing is just too strong today because you know it was connected with oh, what if I'm gonna get a brain fog and disappoint everyone? And now I'm getting a brain fog.

SPEAKER_02 29:54

Well, well, you can see if this helps. Let's let the performing part know that this is really important for you and your system, as well as modeling for others how to work with these dissociative parts that come in. Because many people that are listening are also going to have struggled with brain fog and they're not going to know what the heck is going on. So you can show people that it's normal and that it we can work with it. Does that help?

SPEAKER_00 30:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:33

So yeah. And I want to let you know, you will not let me down. There's no way you can let me down. I mean, you might let yourself down, but you're not gonna let me down. And you're not gonna let anybody else down that's listening because I can already sense that people are resonating with your story and they're grateful that you're coming on and being vulnerable and open. So but you're gonna have to heal that at some point, that that wound of you know, performing and letting people down, and something wrong with you. Yeah, okay. So that brain fog, so how do you feel toward it now? Or is it kind of like blended with you and taking you over?

SPEAKER_00 31:16

It is blending with me.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Um, yeah, I'm I'm more accepting of it now.

SPEAKER_02 31:23

Oh, good. So you can just let it know, like, that's okay, you can be here. And and I want to say the same thing. You're so you're totally welcome here. You don't have to go away. You have just a right to be here as any other part. And just see what happens when we when we accept it.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

It feels like the way lifted.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

Good, good. Stick around. So you might notice it start to unblend a little bit then. Like it does it kind of shift, moves back a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 32:07

Yeah. Um, I usually what I experience now, I usually describe as falling deeper.

SPEAKER_03 32:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

That's uh yeah, it's getting darker, let's say, in a positive way.

SPEAKER_02 32:23

Okay, good. So stay connected to the brain fog so you can fall deeper into yourself, but I want you to see if you can actually invite the brain fog to stick around.

unknown 32:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 32:39

See if it's open to that.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

That might be weird for it in some parts because it's like, wait, you want me to stay, or we want this brain fog to stay. But you know, it's we try differ we want to try something different because the brain fog is a very, very important part of you. So I want you to see if it can share with us what it's trying to protect you from or what it's trying to help you with.

SPEAKER_00 33:31

It just prevents me from accessing something.

SPEAKER_04 33:36

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:40

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 33:41

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 33:43

And see if it can share with you a bit about like what's what would it be concerned would happen if you access some some of these things in here. Too much, yeah. Like overwhelming?

SPEAKER_01 34:08

I I have no idea what what it talk what's what it's talking about, you know.

SPEAKER_02 34:13

Oh, that's good. Yeah. I do. I do. So let's ask it. So you're worried that like think things would be too overwhelming for a gata? Oh, that makes sense, right? Yeah. Probably growing up and having big feelings was hard, hey. Yeah. Many of us too were really alone in our feelings, so it wasn't really safe to stay in them for too long. I see you nodding. Is it resonating?

SPEAKER_00 34:57

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 34:59

Okay. And then and then along comes brain fog to save the day. Because kids can't handle their feelings on their own. So what else are they gonna do? They have to check out somehow. So it let's see, yeah, go ahead.

unknown 35:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:17

Oh, I just want to say I think it's been there throughout majority of my childhood because I don't remember much about my childhood. Yeah. That's you know, going back, it just feels like I always was kind of like checked out.

SPEAKER_02 35:31

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's right. So I wonder if you can have some gratitude for it for helping you cope. Like, I I this seems dramatic, but I always say that these parts save our lives. Because if we didn't have them, we would we wouldn't be able to want to live because the feeling would outweigh the the desire to live. Right. So we need these parts. They're so so important. Everyone needs them as a human species. We need them, and it really deserves a lot of respect and and gratitude.

SPEAKER_00 36:25

So see what that's like to really offer it that feels very weird to be grateful towards something I used to judge.

SPEAKER_06 36:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:50

But I feel the gratitude.

SPEAKER_02 36:53

Okay, so let it notice the effect that it has on this brain fog to be appreciated.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

It's just tapping easily.

SPEAKER_02 37:16

Okay, good, good, good, okay. I wanted to so we're gonna ask it something, and it doesn't have to agree with us, but um I'd like it. If if it could maybe if we could ally with it, like if we can team up. And what I mean by that is like I'm wondering if we might have its permission to get to know the teenager a little bit. If I promise that we can do it safely and without too much feeling, too much overwhelm. Or without any overwhelm, actually.

SPEAKER_04 37:59

See if it's open to that.

SPEAKER_00 38:04

I think I think it opens up opens up a little. I'm still skeptical though.

SPEAKER_02 38:10

Sure, sure. Yeah. It can be skeptical. Was it skeptical skeptical of that we can do it safely?

SPEAKER_01 38:20

Uh yeah, and that's we can even reach their oh, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:26

Well, we we would want to prove like I want to prove that to this part. Number one, that it's safe, and number two, we can reach it. Now there might be other parts that jump in that don't want us to go, but you know, if that's the case, we just work with them. Eventually the way opens up. But uh, what's it think about that?

SPEAKER_00 38:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:51

Okay. A little bit hesitant, but is that right?

SPEAKER_01 38:56

Yeah, no, I just I think I'm starting to see the teenager a bit more.

SPEAKER_02 39:00

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, okay, good. So notice the teenager, and the and the brain fog can hang out just right next to you, and if it needs to jump in anytime, it can do that.

unknown 39:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 39:14

So notice the teenager. See what you notice about that teenager. There was a squeezing in your belly. What else?

SPEAKER_00 39:25

It's not like I see a picture of myself when I was younger.

SPEAKER_04 39:30

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 39:33

When I would just like sit in a corner observing people.

unknown 39:41

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 39:42

But always feeling like I'm different than than everyone else.

SPEAKER_02 39:47

Oh. That's right. Feeling different and distant. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 39:57

And that's where I also I think that's where the something is must be wrong with me.

SPEAKER_02 40:06

That's right. So this wound connects to many things then.

SPEAKER_00 40:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:12

Yeah. Oh, that's right. How do you feel toward her?

SPEAKER_00 40:21

I just feel really sad.

unknown 40:23

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 40:25

Loving?

SPEAKER_00 40:26

Yeah. That also really sad.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

Oh, okay, good. Is that okay? Can you go be with her? Go be with her in the way that she's needed somebody. That's it.

SPEAKER_04 40:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:49

Brain.

SPEAKER_04 40:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:51

Because I just remember I w I didn't know how to talk to people. I didn't have proper social skills. I was so confused. That's right. Navigate you know social life with my peers. Always thought something's wrong with me.

SPEAKER_04 41:11

That's right. That's right. That's it.

SPEAKER_02 41:23

Yeah. Does she feel blended with you or is there some space between you and her?

SPEAKER_00 41:29

I think still some space.

SPEAKER_02 41:31

Good, good. Is she aware of you?

SPEAKER_00 41:37

Yeah. I think so.

SPEAKER_02 41:40

Just let her get a sense that there's somebody here with her. There's a loving presence that can be with her. She's not alone anymore.

SPEAKER_04 41:59

There.

SPEAKER_00 42:18

I just wanted to tell her that she doesn't have to be any more. Then it's okay if she doesn't know what to say at every given moment.

SPEAKER_02 42:50

Yeah. That's right. You don't have to be anyone else. You don't know have you don't know how you don't have to know what to say in any mo every any given moment. That's right. Cause you love her anyway, right? You just She's lovable regardless.

SPEAKER_00 43:08

She is.

SPEAKER_02 43:10

See if she can feel your love.

SPEAKER_04 43:24

That's it. Those emotions are really welcome here.

SPEAKER_00 43:55

It feels like I have more compassion to her. Seeing how afraid and anxious she was all this time being among people serving people but not being able to relate to know how to make jokes or like I don't know protect herself if the situation needs uh that's right.

SPEAKER_02 44:28

That's right. Yeah, stay stay that's it, keep going, you got it.

SPEAKER_00 44:39

She was just so confused.

SPEAKER_04 44:42

Yeah. Super confusing, isn't it? I don't know you really get that.

SPEAKER_02 45:12

That's it, good. And you may notice me pausing for long periods. It I want you to know I'm very much here with you. I just I want to make sure that you it's you she's really feeling you there, you know what I mean? So if it ever is like, okay, I'm ready for the next thing, Alex, you can just let me know. But is the is are the long long pauses feeling good for you?

SPEAKER_00 45:36

Yeah, I just I think um I'm just feeling better now.

SPEAKER_02 45:43

Good, good. Okay. So you're still with her, right? Mm-hmm. Alright, so see what happens next. What else does she want or need?

SPEAKER_00 45:59

She wants to spend some time with me.

SPEAKER_02 46:02

Yeah. Yeah. So do that.

SPEAKER_00 46:06

So what she's doing.

SPEAKER_02 46:10

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 46:12

That's right. So let her do that.

SPEAKER_00 46:41

I think there is a teeny tiny bit of fear that I'm not going to help her go well enough.

SPEAKER_02 46:51

Mm-hmm. Another part worried about that?

SPEAKER_01 46:55

I think it's another part where I've always been a bit scared of kids. Because I had no idea how to take care of them, how to relate to them.

SPEAKER_02 47:05

Yeah. Well, show that part, the one who's scared that you won't be able to take care of her. Show it your compassion. Because you didn't really know, you you already know. You are that which is corrective and healing for these parts. You are. Some other parts would struggle with that, but you don't. See if that helps.

SPEAKER_00 47:48

Yeah. Yeah, it comes naturally.

SPEAKER_02 47:52

It comes naturally, right? This part might not even know much about you, right? That it didn't maybe really even know that this was in here, that you were in here in this way.

SPEAKER_04 48:07

But you are.

SPEAKER_00 48:30

Yeah, I'm I'm still with her.

SPEAKER_01 48:34

But I think there is a lot more and more like cards trying to take me out of it. That's right. They're like false like, oh, um, about the time.

SPEAKER_02 48:46

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:48

Yeah, just stuff like that.

SPEAKER_02 48:50

Well, that's that's good. So let them know. Can we have just a couple more minutes so we can make sure this this uh teenager's in a good place before we close? Okay. So see if those parts that are all scurrying in could just wait a little while longer.

unknown 49:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 49:18

They agree? Okay, great. Okay. So what we're gonna do is this this little one. How old is she anyway?

SPEAKER_01 49:26

She's still a teenager, is she younger than the Actually it's it's strange because I think I got to this like younger part that was more like prime primary, secondary school.

SPEAKER_06 49:40

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_01 49:42

Um I don't think it's the s or maybe it is the same screaming part. Yeah, well they're yeah, she seems more vulnerable, more the teenager was the protector.

SPEAKER_02 49:55

We we kind of sc we kind of skipped to the the uh wounded one, which is great, which is fine. But just let her know we want to make sure she feels so good in the meet until you or where you're able to return to her. But I imagine she already feels really good, but where might she like to stay for now? Like, where where does she want to live? Does she want to leave the past and maybe come into the present with you to live alongside you in your life?

SPEAKER_00 50:26

Or what what feels right for her I think I started more like thinking instead of letting her sing.

SPEAKER_02 50:47

Yeah, that's a thinking part. Hello thinking part.

SPEAKER_01 50:52

Because at first it was like, oh, I don't want her to be in school where she is right now. That's not a good place for her.

SPEAKER_02 51:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:02

I think she actually doesn't mind.

SPEAKER_02 51:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 51:06

Okay. So people I think she just wanted to be comforted that it's okay to be herself, not have to always say something and and always saying the right thing.

unknown 51:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:25

And it's okay to actually be like in the corner just drawing instead of engaging with everyone. Yeah. Make sure that she's popular or something.

SPEAKER_02 51:35

Yeah, that's right. So maybe what we do is we just see if your your thinking part can make a little bit of space so that a gata can kind of deepen again in a good way, as she said. Just access some of that compassion. So that we can really check with this pro this little girl what would feel most comfortable for her right now. Where does she want to stay? School or somewhere else. And it could be the same thing. I just want to make sure it's coming from her, you know?

SPEAKER_01 52:25

No, I I'm I think school is okay.

SPEAKER_02 52:28

Cool. Great. She just needed to know that it was okay to be herself and do what she wants and not have to, yeah. Yeah. Great. And she how she feels she's feeling a lot better now?

SPEAKER_00 52:40

Oh, definitely yes.

SPEAKER_02 52:42

Good. So you can see the impact that that has on the teenage part and some other parts, including the one who needed you to perform earlier and not let me down or whatever. See how those parts are feeling about noticing things are a little bit different in here now.

SPEAKER_00 53:06

It just feels good.

SPEAKER_04 53:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:09

Warm, but this time not in like worried way. It just feels like at the car.

SPEAKER_02 53:17

Yeah, that's good. I'm so happy for you. And the brain fog part, bravo. How is it for you? Because you you were able to just kind of sit back and let this happen. I'm so how how is that for you to to not have to jump in?

SPEAKER_00 53:37

It's surprising that it let me go there.

SPEAKER_02 53:42

Yeah, can you thank it?

SPEAKER_00 53:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:48

Good. It's it's it's your friend. It's your friend. They're all your friends in here, even though some of them might not seem like it at first. Deep down they're all your friends. Yeah. So if that feels okay, you can bring yourself back to the room and back to our space here. Very good. Very nice work.

SPEAKER_01 54:21

Oh, that was very nice.

SPEAKER_02 54:23

You like that? Yeah, good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:26

Yeah. Um, I like how I accepting it was. It felt like everything was just around accepting. Uh even like you said, the brain fog. Like I was, I think I was okay with accepting everything until you started bringing those parts that I wasn't even aware that I can accept them, you know.

SPEAKER_02 54:52

Uh-huh. I do.

SPEAKER_01 54:55

It just feels it just felt great to, you know, thank my brain fog essentially to be there.

SPEAKER_02 55:01

It all is here for you, you know. This is uh like when we really true healing happens when we can open our heart to all of it, you know. Everything shifts. And as you said, it's uh it's it's kind of effortless, you know. Like your part was worried that you weren't gonna do it right or she wasn't gonna get the healing. You just know it's just uh when we get into our heart, it's all effortless. We know exactly what to do.

SPEAKER_01 55:32

So it's incredible because you know, even as I was watching um or listening to your podcast with other people uh and their process, you know, I would observe it from my head and like think about it all like how does it I I don't know how to explain it, but like I can see the difference between seeing everything from my head and from my core from my car. Exactly. And this time, and I think the brain fog was just my head kind of trying to jump in, yeah, maybe block me from something. But as I went with the little the little me, I felt like it was exactly here.

SPEAKER_02 56:17

Exactly, it's right here. It's the heart center, right? I mean you you like you know, there's the whole chakra system and stuff, and there is a heart center, and that's where you know that's where we I don't know, it's like the seed, right? It's the seed of our loving awareness, and um it's the same thing when you look at your partner, like you can look at them through here or or wherever, or you could look at them through here, and when we look at our partner through here, it's just like you just see them through the eyes of love, right?

SPEAKER_01 56:50

It's like they're just beautiful who they are, and exactly, and like they say, you choose to love, and the more you choose and act on that, meaning that even if your head tells you do not hug them, do not kiss them, but you do it and you try to connect with your heart while doing it, it just immediately like manifests, and you feel more of and more of your heart then yeah, that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 57:19

Yeah, yeah. Uh you know, I'd I'd love to have you back on sometime. I think it's great, you know, if you'd want to do this again sometime.

SPEAKER_01 57:25

Um I love that.

SPEAKER_02 57:28

So great, yeah. Maybe we can get something scheduled in because I think this was great. And I I love um your the it was a be it's a wonderful blend of like um like talking about certain issues and and all the things and kind of like having a conversation, and we did a wonderful piece of work together, so I really loved how that that happened. Um I will we'll close the call. I'll we'll say our goodbyes on the other end, but I just want to thank everybody for tuning in and thank Agata for coming on and doing this. I hope you all got a lot out of this. Um, I'm sure there's many things that you can relate to, and just know that this is also possible for you, like this is possible for anyone. Like, and um so uh we'll uh we'll we'll see you in uh see you next week. Bye everybody. Well, there you have it, everybody. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you want to come on the podcast and have a session just like Agata did, um send me an email at alex at forlovelyheal.com and let me know you're interested, and I'll get you booked in and we can do a session just like you listened to today. Um if you uh if you if you're interested, also if you want to start doing this work, um, a really low cost option for you would be to join my my course and community for 37 bucks a month. You get bi weekly support groups, you get access to a private Facebook community, and you get access to my 12 hour course. So that um is of uh that is available to you. So you can find that in the show notes. Uh as always, thank you for listening, and I will I'll see you in the next episode.