On Air With HWP - The Learn to Love Podcast

The Murder of Sahra Bulle: A Mother Speaks Out

• Jerusha Mack • Season 4 • Episode 2

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A young woman’s life cut tragically short. In this episode, Fartumo Kusow, mother of Sahra Bulle, shares her story after her daughter was murdered by her estranged husband. She speaks in the hope of helping others recognize danger and protect those they love.

Some stories shared are deeply personal and may be upsetting. Listener discretion is advised.

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News Anchor: 0:00

It has been described as an epidemic, intimate partner violence, and it can lead to femicide. Twenty-five women have been killed in the last six months in Ontario. That is the number, but each number represents a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend.

Fartumo Kusow: 0:17

She was so broken down, chipped away, made to feel like nobody else would love her. 

News Anchor: 0:24

Sahra Bulle was just 18 when she met the man who is now accused of murdering her. 

Fartumo Kusow: 0:29

Her entire body was covered with bruises. And that's when we told her you can't go back. 

News Anchor: 0:36

But she kept going back even though she tried 11 times to leave. 

Fartumo Kusow: 0:41

She was bruised and battered, and she was too embarrassed to show up.

And she would only come home and contact us when she could put enough makeup to cover it up. It was getting worse and worse. And you could see it. It's a loss that's so predictable and preventable. She was killed by inches for 18 years. This was just the culminating act of all those, chipping away of her confidence, chipping away of her dignity, chipping away of feeling the freedom.

Jerusha Mack: 1:15

A young woman's life cut tragically short. A mother left to face grief and unimaginable loss. Sara Boule's story is heartbreaking and sadly all too familiar. With her murder trial currently underway, it reminds us just how dangerous domestic violence can be and why awareness, understanding, and action are so important. 

Welcome back to season four of On Air with HWP, the Learn to Love podcast. I'm your host, Jerusha Mack. This podcast, presented by Halton Women's Place, is all about having honest conversations that educate, inspire, and help us move toward a future free from violence. In this episode, you'll hear from Fartumo Kusow, Sahra Bulle's mother. She opens up about the devastating loss of her daughter, who was tragically murdered by her estranged husband in May 2023 in Windsor, Ontario. Fartumo shares Sahra's story in the hope that it might help others speak up, reach out, or take action before it's too late. Some of what you'll hear today is deeply personal and may be upsetting or triggering. Please listen with care.

Fartumo Kusow: 2:31

She was exceptionally bright. She was family-oriented. She cared deeply about issues, social issues, family issues. She cared deeply about other people and their pain and their challenges. And she was one of those people that liked to live just a small piece of this world and not take more than they needed to. When I became a single mother, she was 12 years old, and she would help me take care of her siblings. If I ever needed to do something and I want her to babysit at 14 or 15, even if she had plans with her friends or something to do or to go out, she would always cancel those and put family first. So that's the kind of person she was. And she was loyal to a fault. She loved reading, she loved books, she loved the literature, and she loved giving to charity, donating blood. She was registered, organ donor, marrow, uh, marrow, uh, bone marrow donor registered. Um, and she was really, really kind and loyal, and very bright and open and very optimistic in the most difficult of times.

Jerusha Mack: 3:57

Thank you for sharing that with us. Knowing who Sahra was, beyond just the name in the statistics or in the headlines, the newspapers that we see, it really reminds us that behind all of those statistics, there's real daughters, real sisters, friends, and loved ones behind the stories of domestic violence. As her mother, I know you were also aware of her challenges. So when did you first begin to notice signs that something was wrong in her relationship?

Fartumo Kusow: 4:25

It was really, it was really um soon after, I think maybe about six, six weeks or so. Uh, it was really close to the beginning. So when she first met him, it was October of 2004. She turned 18 that August, and it was the following October. She met him because we live in Windsor, Ontario, and she was going to Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan, and he is from there, and that's how she met him. Not at the university, but walking by the university. And by the time she gathered enough course to tell me this is the person she was interested in, it was the end of that school uh uh calendar year, December or so. My first reaction was he was nine years older, she was only 18, and he already had a child who was six or seven at the time. So I told her you're too young to be to get into ready-made family. So just if you want to go out with people, go out with people that are in the university with you. But she insisted on it. She claimed that he was mature, and the young men at her age that were like 19 or 20 weren't mature enough. She was right, she was mature, but I don't think she was ready for that relationship. And that was her first serious relationship. So it was six weeks, it was the spring of 2005, after they became a couple, that she came home with the first injury. One um Friday night, it was the it was the spring, and then she went out to uh some kind of family gathering on his side of the family. Um and when she Saturday morning, she came home around 10 or so Friday. And um Saturday morning she woke up to help me clean, which she always did to help me clean the house and prepare for the coming week. I saw her, she was wearing shorts, and I saw her this big bruise on her thigh, and I said, What's that? And then she said, Oh, he was trying to get my attention, so he flicked me. And I said, That's not a flick. That was clearly really hard pin for somebody who hit you really hard with closed fist on her thigh. And she said, No, no, no, mom, you know, I bruised so easily. It was just, um, he just flicked me. He was just trying to get my attention. And there was something about her saying he was trying to get my attention that didn't sit with me. Why would he even flick you? Why didn't he call your name? So I asked her what she was doing at the time when he, according to her, flicked her. So she said there was a man at the same gathering that they were, and the man was American, and he was telling her that he had advanced stage diabetes, but he can't see a doctor because he doesn't have health benefits, private health benefits. And she was very passionate about, with all its flaws, a publicly funded um Canadian healthcare system. So she started telling this man how whether it's good or bad, it's better to have uh publicly funded health care and how the healthcare in Ontario works and all that. And she was, and I said, Oh, so you were talking to a man, and she said, Yes. So that's when I thought it was jealousy on his part. Just he was talking to a man, but at the time she wasn't really ready to hear and and appreciate the sign that I could see that this was not this was not a rational way of getting her attention, and this was a flag in my mind. Yeah.

Jerusha Mack: 8:11

It's so common that in abusive relationships for the woman, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship, to minimize the behavior, because I'm sure he did a great job of trying to explain it away or excuse it away. But I know that this was the beginning of what became a pattern of abuse in the relationship. Can you share more about that?

Fartumo Kusow: 8:33

So, what followed with that is once they were married and they moved in together, what followed was her personality and her habits and her ability to maintain relationships outside of his relationship changed drastically, not a little change. So she started to miss milestones in the family. She missed her sister graduating from grade eight, her brother graduating from high school, her brother graduating from college, you know, birthdays of all her siblings, Mother's Day, my birthday. So she started missing things that she wouldn't miss, things that she would be the one saying, Oh, it's so-and-so's birthday. What are we gonna do? Are we gonna have dinner together? So those things she started to miss. Her cousin getting married, somebody having a baby, all that she started to miss. And it's not like she just missed. She would say, I am coming. Sometimes she will send, she would show me, you know, the dress she bought for that event. She's all interested, she's coming, she's excited. And the day off or day before, she just would go radio silent. And um, and you call and you text and you call and you text, and she wouldn't respond because because she he either made her feel bad for going or she was injured and she was too embarrassed to show. I found out later. So that's that's what started happening. And uh, even on her birthday, I would say, okay, I want to take you out for your birthday, and then she would say yes, and we have a plan. Numerous times she lived in Detroit. I would drive to Detroit and I was supposed to meet her somewhere, and she wouldn't show up. Several times I have her gift, I'll just leave her gift at the door and send her a note saying that, hey, I didn't see you. I left your gift at the door, and then a few weeks later, she would just call. Sometimes none of us would bring up what happened, that she missed this event or that event, because we could tell she was in trouble and we were letting her wait to say face. So she's not, we're not taking her to task anytime she came in. So that's what was happening. And it was sometimes 2008, when they were together about a little bit under four years, that it really wore her down. And that's when she would call me because she's hiding between the washer and the dryer. She'll tell me, I'm hiding between the washer and the dryer. Because she's a tiny thing. A couple of times she even put herself in the dryer, those dryers that opened the door like that. And she would say, I ran into the laundry room because they lived in an apartment. They didn't have their own laundry room in the unit, but they had those common ones that are in the basement. So a couple of times she would run and she would hide in a dryer and sit there until we got there. And I told her, I'm here, and then she'd run out and come. So it was, so then it was getting a little bit more frequent. So it was like every six months, every four months, every three months. The the more we moved on in the relationship, the frequency you could see, and the level of the violence was getting.

Jerusha Mack: 11:50

And I know that you've shared that she tried to leave multiple times. Can you share more about that? And what do you think made it so difficult for her to escape the cycle of abuse?

Fartumo Kusow: 12:01

Because uh the pattern of going back over so by the time, by the time she finally left 2022, that was her 11th time of leaving. So she left 10 other times, and those leaving consist of her leaving a few days, to a few weeks, to a few months. So it was different at any given time. What I think made her difficult is a combination of few things. First thing is that she was a really, really loyal person. And she thought that, you know, this is a relationship, this is somebody she cared, and she needed to work on rather than walk away. So that was the first thing. The second thing was he was very good at manipulating her and gaslighting her and telling her that you know she did this, if she didn't do this, if she didn't say that, if this didn't happen, if if he didn't get into a fight with his supervisor, his employer, this would not have happened. If she just cleaned the house when she got back from work faster. So it was those. So that's the second thing. The third thing is he would play the victim card like it's nobody else's business. So everybody was against him. She was the only person he had on his corner. You know, he didn't know who his father was throwing up. His stepfather didn't treat him right. His mother kicked him out when he had a child at 18 and she wouldn't support him. He wasn't, he had to drop out of school and he didn't get an education like she did because he didn't have the support system. He has these, you know, dead-end jobs where supervisors and employers are not treating him right because he doesn't have the right education. I was against him because he is from a different ethnic background. I was against him because he wasn't as educated as she was, and I was frowning, looking down upon him. And he had nobody else but her in this world. And if she left him, he might as well kill himself. If she left him, he's ready to turn himself to the police and go to prison for the rest of his life. He has a chess with no queen. Without her in his life, his life has meanings. So that was the second one. And third one is because he was playing the victim card so well, and she was loyal and cared for people very deeply. And he was great at manipulating, but she got to a point that where she couldn't trust herself. He would get her to a point that where one time he pushed her down and she really injured her ankle, and she had to take off work a couple weeks, and she couldn't put her shoes on, and she came home, and we had to put ice in elevated and all that. And and then she was really, she was telling me what happened when he pushed her, how many steps she came down from when he pushed her nice. And I kept saying, I'm glad you didn't break your neck because that's like too high to be pushed out. And then when he was able to get a hold of her a couple of months later, he was able to convince her. In fact, he didn't push her off the stairs. He tried to hug her and she backed away from him because she was mad at him, and that's how she felt. Like, how would you be hugging somebody in the middle of the stairs and when they're below you? So, so those were combinations of, and also she was very young when she met him, had no experience in other relationships, and um, and in our society in general, we don't really talk about this kind of violence, and we don't talk, it's almost where victims themselves feel responsible for what's happening to them. So she had all those things coming together. It wasn't one thing, but it was a compilation of things.

Jerusha Mack: 16:06

Yeah. And the the cycle of abuse is so seductive, and that's why it's so hard for many women to leave on top of the fact that this is somebody they care about, they just want the abuse to end, but they care about the person. And it sounds like he played a lot of emotional and psychological manipulation with her, that there was a lot of isolation. So a lot of the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence were happening to her as well. Um, but the the fact that making her doubt herself and her own experiences and the cycle of abuse where there's that tension building stage, and then there's something that triggers him. Not that she's doing anything wrong, but something just triggers the abuser. The abuse happens, and then maybe she leaves, like she did, like you said, 10 times before, the 11th time being the final time. And then there's that honey honeymoon stage where he's like, I'm so sorry, it'll never happen again. And trying to win her back, the woman goes back, and then the cycle begins again and again, until sometimes that cycle it happens every week, and then suddenly it becomes every every day, or maybe every couple hours. The intensity and the um the how often it happens tends to be um it's happening more quickly this time.

Fartumo Kusow: 17:22

Yeah, and it was it was with her when it was good, it was really good, like exceptionally, almost like a romantic movie type good. It was so good with gifts and and cherishing and treating her like a queen and sending flowers and sending sending you know chocolate boxes and and books that she liked. It's buying her a computer and and you know, fixing this, fixing that for her. And it was when it was really good, it was intoxicatingly good. And when it was bad, it was exceptionally bad. And you could see more she resisted or more she pushed back, the worse it got. So the more she was pushing back and pulling away and staying away longer, the more panicky he was getting. More um unraveling that's happening to him. And and since from 2002, when she left in July until the end, every time they were together or they met, whether for dinner or for the night or for the weekend, he was always hoping they would be together this time. And she wouldn't change her mind. But when she wasn't changing her mind, the injury that was like once every six months, once every four months, once every five of two months became every time she was in his in his company. Yeah.

Jerusha Mack: 18:50

Yeah, there's so there's so many barriers and reasons why it's difficult for a woman to leave because it's not as simple as walking away. That's what a lot of people think. Well, why doesn't she just leave, right? But a lot of times women stay to keep themselves and their loved ones safe. People may not realize, but a woman is the most at risk of being killed when she leaves her abusive partner. Um, and I know that must have been such a heartbreaking situation for you as a mother watching her struggle because there was so much of that isolation and manipulation happening, and you were trying to help her so much and help her see what you were seeing. But can you tell us about that final the few final months before she made the final decision to go to a shelter? Because all those times I know that she left, she's came to stay at your home. But this final time she decided to go to a shelter. So, what were those final months like and why did she decide to go to a shelter?

Fartumo Kusow: 19:40

So, um, so I think, like I said, from July of 2022, she she knew she wasn't going back unless things changed drastically, and she was expecting a change, but for him, was he was expecting to get back together. And in her mind, not going back together would make him either change or she would walk away. Where in his mind, it was like they needed to get back together, so there was this cycle. And um, from July till the end of 2022, she really had very little contact with him, as far as I can tell. And then around January, around the new year is when she re-established the contact. She started with, you know, I wasn't happy about it, but there's nothing I could do about it. They were um they were in a relationship and she said that she was gonna sort it out. So she would go to, you know, to to have dinner with him so they could talk. And each time, in my opinion, I think he was expecting her to say, because this is what used to happen. Every time she left, she was gone for a couple of months. They would talk, she would say, Okay, I'm ready to come back if you do this and this and this, and then he would come pick her up, or she would get herself there. So that's what she was hoping, but she wasn't doing that this time. She was sticking whatever discussion they had. She was always coming home. She was always coming home. I said, Okay, um, so then sometime in January, she started going to dinner or maybe a coffee or overnight. But then each time she was in his company, she would come back with an injury. And and then I kept on getting angry with her, mad at her, and telling her that you can't keep on doing this. You know, this is not going anywhere good. We can see it. And then she says, Oh, he didn't mean it, we're gonna talk about it. But then April 3rd, 24th, she said they were gonna spend a few days together to talk things out and she's gonna make decisions. So she was there with him from May to April 24th or so, and she came home May 5th, which was Friday. She came with this big black eye, and then I and then I got mad and I said, No, we're not doing this. I'm gonna get my keys, we're gonna go to the police now, we're going to report it, we're gonna get you help, and you're gonna be done seeing him. And then she said, Okay, so I went upstairs to get dressed. By the time I came back, she's called herself an Uber and she was leaving. It's Friday. And then I went, followed her to the driveway, and I said, Zahara, don't go because I'm afraid next time I'm gonna collect you in a body bag. She didn't say anything, she left. She was gone for the week and she came back on Monday with another injury, busted lip, her face was swollen. And then she called me because I was at work by the time she came, and she said, Hey, I came and I decided I'm done with this. And I said, Okay, I'm glad. And then she said, But what I decided is because this time I'm not going back, I'm not seeing him, I'm done, I'm pulling the blood. I will go to the to the shelter. I'll call the call the shelter if they have a spot for me. I'm going to go there. And I said, Okay, whatever you do to get out, I'm here. And then she called and I said, once you make an appointment after work, I can drop you off. And she called me, and then she said, Hey, they said they're gonna send me a cab, so I'm going to go there. Um, and I said, Okay, let me know when the when the interview is done. And and then she went there, and that was my birthday. And on her way in the cab, she realized that was my birthday. And she called me and she said, Oh my god, I forgot it was your birthday. Maybe I should not go today, and I would go tomorrow so I can spend the night with you. And I said, you know, this is the best birthday gift you could give me. So go take care of yourself. And then she went in. So um, we changed the phone number. She changed her job, got a different branch, and and everything was settled. He was really not supposed to have access to her because her email address was changed, her phone number was changed, phone was registered under me. So I don't know how he was able to get a hold of her that Friday. She was at the shelter for three weeks by then. But the Friday, the 26th, May 26th, she'd called me and she said, on her way, leaving work and going to the shelter. And we were on the phone for about 12 minutes, and she was so excited. And she said, you know what, I'm thinking is maybe I'm going to look for work in Toronto and move and stay with my sister before I even file for divorce or anything like just to put distance between him and I. And I said, You don't even have to stay here until you find the work. You can go, I will talk to your sister. Since she works, she'll put you up until you get a job. And I'm sure in a couple of weeks you'll get a job there and use your vacation time now to be there. And she said, Yes, um, come pick me up from work on Monday and we'll have dinner together and we'll talk about it. But that Monday never came.

Jerusha Mack: 24:53

Do you do you think she recognized that she was at high risk? I know that she went to a shelter because she made the decision like this was it for her.

Fartumo Kusow: 25:01

I think she didn't trust how he would react if she said, Finally, I am done. She never said he's gonna do something. But she said, if I stay at home and tell him it's done, I'm not gonna see him again. I don't know how he would react. And I don't want to put you and grandma in harm's way. So the shelter might be safer. So every time she left him, she came and stayed with me. There was something about this time that told her that she wouldn't be safe if she finalized it and stayed at home.

Jerusha Mack: 25:36

Yeah. And uh a lot of times, well, abuse is all about power and control. And a lot of times when the abuser recognizes that they're losing that power and control, that's when things become even more dangerous because they're gonna do whatever it takes to regain that power and control. So I would advise anybody that's listening to the podcast, and maybe you recognize some of these signs that we're talking about, or there's something that resonates with you, or somebody that you know in your life that may be experiencing some of this and you're concerned about them to call your local woman shelter and they can guide you in a danger assessment or risk assessment so that you can be aware of how you can support someone or how you can keep yourself safe because it's so important that safety piece, especially when a woman leaves. You can even Google it yourself just to see what are some of the checklist items to know your level of danger or risk, because it doesn't have to be that the person is physically abusive right now or physically violent. They can be emotionally um or psychologically abusive, but you could still be at risk. So please do that if you are listening.

Fartumo Kusow: 26:44

And it doesn't, and and think about it, it's it doesn't really start with violence, it starts gradually and for more times than not in controlling, limiting what you have access to, who you have access to, do you have access to financial support, uh community, family, friends you had before? If you have to give up, if you feel like you have to self-censor yourself to maintain peace in your own home around the person that's supposed to protect you, then you know that's not a safe situation to be. And and if you know somebody in your life that's going through that situation, I think this type of violence thrives in silence and shame.

Jerusha Mack: 27:31

Absolutely.

Fartumo Kusow: 27:33

Where a victim feels like perhaps maybe it's their fault, maybe it's something they have done, something they said, people would think this, would think that. So if you have somebody in your life that's facing this, I think the worst thing to do is to doubt them and to not to make them feel like because they are doubting themselves already. They're doubting themselves, maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe if I didn't say this, maybe if I don't wear a certain kind of outfit, maybe if I don't, I can't call my friend while he's in the house. So I have to wait until he's gone before I call my friend, or before I call my mom, or before I call my sister, or before I call my colleague. I cannot stay after work functions because then I don't want to deal with um, it might not be somebody slapping you, but you could see I can't go out with um a couple of girlfriends that are going out for tea on a Saturday afternoon because it's gonna upset him. I can't stay for after work function. If you say I'm tired, I can't stay after work function, that's one thing. Or if you say I want to spend time with my partner, I was away for the whole week, I don't want to go out Friday, that's okay. But if you want to, but if you're doing it to avoid conflict, yeah, then you could see there is you're not safe there.

Jerusha Mack: 28:54

Yeah. Anytime that self-awareness or relationship awareness is so important because anytime there's that factor of fear or feeling worried about the person's reaction, in a healthy relationship, you should have physical safety, but also emotional safety. So I'm not like you're saying, sometimes the the uh the abuser imposes this isolation where I don't want you going around your friends or family. But sometimes you can self-impose it because you want to avoid the conflict. So I'm not gonna go around this person, I'm not gonna do this, I'm not gonna wear that. Um, and like you're saying, censoring yourself, right? In a healthy relationship, you should feel safe, uplifted, happy. You shouldn't feel worried or anxious all the time. So that relationship awareness is so key and important.

Fartumo Kusow: 29:37

And even in conflict, if the relationship is healthy, nobody's saying people are not going to be in conflict. Even in conflict, you are not fearing yourself. And always in a healthy relationship, you know the reason for the conflict. There is something that made this person upset that you can deal with, but you You more times than not, these conflicts have no logical reason why they're there. So always look at it. If the person's reaction is not proportional to your action, if they are overreacting, let's say you were supposed to get together at six o'clock and you showed up at 6:30 and you didn't call to say you're going to be running late, that for the person to be upset because you came late is rational. It's logical because you would be upset if somebody didn't let you know and they're late for half an hour, 40 minutes. But if the if you tell you say to the person, hey, my phone died and I was and I couldn't call you or I was on the subway, and the person says, Show me when your phone died, when was the last one? We're gonna charge your phone and I will see the last call you made, or who were in a meeting, who else was at the meeting? Call your boss now and spoke, speak to them on the phone so I can hear them. They were in a meeting with you. So you could see. Yeah. It's one thing to be upset because you were late for half an hour or 40 minutes, quite another to put you into this um interrogation room where you are feeling like I'm not gonna call my boss and ask them what time did the movie uh uh meeting end, because that makes no logical sense.

Jerusha Mack: 31:19

Yeah. It's it's like you said, you're right. There will be conflict in a healthy relationship as well. But it's even when you get upset, how do you act on it? Are you now becoming abusive using abusive language or actions or trying to assert controlling behaviors? That's so important. One of the things I wanted to highlight was how how would you or ask you, sorry, was how would you respond to people who suggest that Sahra's situation was influenced by cultural factors? Because I think that's sometimes a misnomer or myth that people have about domestic violence.

Fartumo Kusow: 31:50

I think that was really my greatest challenge. It didn't really occur to me until I started posting about her, about the situation. So the first time I posted while she was alive, I wouldn't talk about it because I want to respect her privacy. I want to respect her fish wishes that she didn't want to talk about. I there wasn't even there was um maybe 5% of what I knew that I would tell my sister, my siblings, or her own siblings. I knew so much more than I told people because I wanted to be her safety space where she didn't feel like I'm telling everybody and everybody's questioning her.

Jerusha Mack: 32:30

Yeah.

Fartumo Kusow: 32:30

And then I started posting when she went missing. And I had these posters, have you seen her? All that. And when she was found and he was arrested, I started sharing and kind of became really vocal about what happened. Because I um I didn't think, you know, the the the law enforcement and the medical personnel had were really helpful while she was alive. Like, for example, I would call the police and they would say she has to call us. Even when I made her call, and then later they would say she has to go through all the steps and talk to this person and talk to that person. And she didn't, she didn't want to deal with it. And I couldn't call, and they'll say, because it's hearsay. They wouldn't take it if we went to, because she was really so traumatized at the end. And we made an appointment with the psychiatrist, and when we spoke to the psychiatrist, and she went in there and did whatever, I told psychiatrists, let me tell you things that she's not going to tell you because she's so traumatized, she can't even think clearly. But they wouldn't take my information. But as soon as she was gone, all those files became mine. Now the police needed to access her the files from the psychiatric doctor, and I have to sign a consent. She was going through therapy, so they wanted to get the notes from the therapist. I signed the consent, they wanted to get her dental records so they can identify her. So all those became mine. So I started talking about that and talking about how the system doesn't really work and it doesn't have a way for people to advocate for themselves and for the loved ones to advocate for this person who is traumatized and cannot advocate for themselves. And each time I did this, people would ask me what was the background of her husband. And the first couple of times I would just say, Oh, he's African American born in the state. And I would just thought it was like for your information type thing. But people would say that's why that happened, because she married somebody from her outside, outside of her culture. If she would have married somebody in in um within her culture, within her um community, that this would not have happened. So it took me a while to just realize that's the most troublesome. And my mother is 90 years old now. When she was 28 in a small village in Africa, she asked for divorce for her abusive husband who broke her arm. To a point, he broke her arm. When he broke her arm, that's when she decided next time he's going to kill her. So she asked for divorce, and back there, the person that asks for divorce loses everything. Person that's not asking for divorce gets what they want in the relationship. So he wanted her to sign off her rights as a parent. So she gave up her two kids. And then when people say to her, How could, as a mother, leave your children? And she would always say, absent mother is better than a dead one. Because he was gonna kill her. So that's the example I would give people. My mother married somebody, not only from the same background, but from the same tribe, from the same village, yeah, and they were in a village, not influenced by the internet or anything, and she still faced that violence. So violence of no nationality, no ethnicity, no economic standing. Of course, some people are more susceptible because they're already in a challenging situation.

Jerusha Mack: 36:00

Yeah.

Fartumo Kusow: 36:01

The woman who has three, four children that doesn't have a job, cannot pay the mortgage or the rent, cannot pay the utilities, then that woman might be forced to stay in that relationship longer. That we have to acknowledge. Some people are more susceptible, but it doesn't mean it only happens in that community. Right.

Jerusha Mack: 36:21

Yeah. Yeah. Abuse can happen to anyone. You're absolutely right. What advice do you have for other parents or loved ones who may be in a similar situation?

Fartumo Kusow: 36:32

My advice would be to um to be supportive and not to tell the person what they already know. Because a person already knows they are in a difficult situation. So the more you can save face for them and say, This must be very difficult. I can't even imagine what you're going through. If you need help, I am here. How can we support you? Find a way out. And if a person comes to you and says, This is what I'm going through, whether it's your child, your sister, your colleague, your mother, don't say, Are you sure? Um, is that what happened? What did he say? Let's talk to him or to her and see how we can rectify the situation. Ask the person what would work for them. What can you do to support them? And see if you can find outside agencies like the local shelter, local social service, and get information and say, found this information that might be helpful just in case you need it. Yeah, yeah. Right? So provide the information with no judgment. Yeah. And I know as a mother it's hard, and I know I urge so many times where I told her, why can't he just get out? He did this yesterday and he did this last month, and you know he's gonna do it tomorrow. Why are you going back? Make no sense. Getting mad, getting angry, getting sad, crying the whole thing. But I think if I can advise my former self or advise somebody else, I would say, get the whatever resource information you can find, whether it's you're within your religious institution, community, agencies, have that information and say to the person, you know, this is some resources that exist in the community. Yeah. When and if and when you decide to do it, it's here, or I can make the call for you if you don't feel making making the call. Whatever you want me, I can help.

Jerusha Mack: 38:44

Yeah. And it's so important to resource yourself with that information because you're going through a difficult time as well, right? Really important to let them know that you're a safe, supported, supportive, non-judgmental space, like you said. I just want to uh end off by having you uh tell everyone about the Sahra Bulle Foundation. And I know that you have a mission to raise awareness about intimate partner violence. So can you share more about the foundation as well?

Fartumo Kusow: 39:09

So I have established a foundation in honor of my daughter called Sahra Bulle Foundation, and the main mission is education and raising awareness in communities that that that awareness might not exist and in general and support both monetary and education-wise, those frontline workers that are working with women that are trying to get out or get support within that. So I think some women are surviving in a violent relationship, and some women are getting out, and people get out in their own time. It might not make a logical sense to us, but it's where they are. So that's what the foundation's purpose is. And if you go on my website, fartumokusow.com, and I am on TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, and as my name, Fartumo Kusow, and my link tree is there, link tree Fartuma Kusow, and all my um information is there. I have merchandise that raises funds for shelters and community outreach. So far in the foundation, we raised a little bit under$25,000. Then we're raising for um local shelters, local um support women's centers, and those that help women in the front line. And whether you um realize it or not, most shelters, most community agencies do not get government funding. They only exist in fundraising and donations within the community.

Jerusha Mack: 40:49

Yeah. Thank you so much for all of that amazing work that you're doing. I love that you're doing that walk to help raise awareness and also to pay it forward uh to help other women who are uh in similar situations, like your daughter, who hopefully can benefit from these services. I just really want to thank you uh for sharing your and Sahra story with us today. Your courage and opening up about such a personal and painful experience really helps to shed light on the reality of domestic violence and the urgent need for increased awareness and change. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02: 41:23

Thank you so much. The work your center is doing. It's really, I am impressed that going into schools, I think um reaching both boys and girls in the school age, I think that is a that's very crucial, not only for girls, but to reach boys and to educate them on the violence, what it what it looks like to be a man. So they are an ally instead of people we have to fight. That's really a good service. And I wish that all school boards can access those services to educate the children that they're raising, because they are the future.

SPEAKER_04: 42:04

Yeah, absolutely. Prevention education is so important because we know that domestic violence is preventable. So thank you so much again, Fartumo. Thank you so much. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out for help. There are resources and support available to help navigate these challenges. For more information about Halton Women's Place and how you can get involved in creating safer futures without violence, visit our website at haltonwomensplace.com. If you found today's discussion informative, don't forget to subscribe to our podcast and leave a review. Your support helps us continue to bring these important conversations to light. On the next episode of Learn to Love, we're continuing our true crime series with the compelling story of Helen Naslund, an Alberta woman who was sentenced to 18 years for killing her abusive husband. Until next time, let's commit to advocating together to create a safer community for everyone. One conversation, one action, and one relationship at a time.