Permission to FETBO: Going from Stuck to Self-led with this 5 Step Super Tool

Ever find yourself replaying a tough situation on loop, stuck in the “what ifs” and “I should have…”? You’re not alone. But what if you had a simple tool to break that cycle and lead yourself forward with clarity and confidence?

In this episode of Boss Yourself First, Robyn introduces you to the FETBO Template  - a 5-step framework from her book Three Permissions that helps you process challenges without spiraling. FETBO walks you through:

• Facts — What actually happened
• Emotions — What you truly felt
• Thoughts — The story you told yourself
• Behaviors — How you responded
• Outcomes — The results that followed

Through stories, examples, and a guided coaching moment, you’ll learn how to use FETBO to notice your patterns, build emotional literacy, and shift from autopilot to intentional self-leadership.

This episode is your invitation to give yourself permission  -  to feel what you feel, process the hard stuff, and step into authenticity.

FETBO Template: https://bossyourselffirst.kit.com/fetbo 

Transcript

[00:00:00] You are listening to The Boss Yourself First podcast, season three, episode 10.

 Welcome back to the Boss Yourself First podcast where we explore what it means to lead yourself with compassion, courage, and clarity, so you can thrive and create impact personally and professionally. I'm Robyn White, your host, and today we're talking about a tool I absolutely love. It's called the FETBO Template, and yes.

It does sound like a crazy dance move, but I promise you it's way more useful. It's one of the most practical ways I've found to process challenges, calm the chaos, and create the results you want. I, in fact, call it a super tool, so if you've ever caught yourself replaying a tough situation over and over, ruminating about what went wrong or worse, beating yourself up for not handling it perfectly, this is the episode for you.

Okay, today I'll walk you through FETBO step by step, and  by the end you'll have a simple framework to process any challenge life throws your way. Sounds pretty good, right? Alright. But since we're in the season of permission, let's put FETBO in that frame. And remember I call it a super tool, and I do that because it reminds me of a Swiss Army knife that has all the nifty gadgets for different needs.

So does FETBO. And when I say it is a permission super tool, here's what I mean. Permission to feel because it starts with identifying emotions, processing emotions. Febu can help you process and adjust those feelings, permission to fail, because failure happens. And when it does, we wanna make the most of it.

FETBO helps you learn from those moments without drowning in shame. Permission to fly because once you've seen the patterns, FETBO can help you shift unhelpful habits and implement strategies to soar higher. FETBO is like a mirror. It doesn't judge you. It just shows you what's there. And when you see it,  clearly you can make different choices.

I'll give you an example from a client I work with. Let's call her Leslie. Leslie gave a presentation to her leadership team halfway through her boss interrupted her with some tough questions in Leslie's mind, the interruption became. I must not be prepared. He thinks I'm incompetent, and she spiraled into over-explaining.

She left the room feeling deflated. She avoided her boss the rest of the day and she questioned her own abilities. That second guessing the spiral is totally normal when our feelings get triggered, but with FETBO, we could break it down and she could see that the facts were actually pretty neutral. The spin came from her feelings, her thoughts, and the behaviors that followed, and it created the outcome of some missed opportunities.

Once she saw it, everything shifted. That's the power of FETBO. Alright, well I've said it enough. You've probably figured out that FETBO is an acronym and here's what it stands for. Let's take it piece by piece. We're gonna talk past tense today because that's how we start using the tool. I want you to get used to it today in this episode. More on that later. I'll give you a little context in just a few minutes. The facts F is for facts. What actually happened?

Think about it like a courtroom. Evidence only what like a video camera could record or others could witness. The facts. E is for emotions. These are your true feelings about the facts and emotional granularity that's getting super specific about labeling your feelings. Emotional granularity matters.

Don't just say bad. Name it. I felt disappointed, anxious, hopeful, even relieved. T is for thoughts. This is the story you tell yourself about the facts, and sometimes this is where we really get into trouble, assumptions, fears that inner critic. B is for behavior. What actions did you take because of the thoughts and feelings?

O is for outcomes. What results come from your behavior?

FETBO, F-E-T-B-O. Simple but powerful. FETBO is your personal detective kit for self-leadership. It's a magnifying glass for facts or a flashlight for your emotions, a notebook for your thoughts. Then you get to see this trail of evidence all the way through your outcomes. If you get my newsletter, you'll know that I'm a big fan of mysteries, so that just.

The whole detective kit really resonated with me. Maybe it does with you too. I hope so. Alright, let's look back. Let's check back in with Leslie for a minute and I'll tell you more about her next week. But I wanna check back in on this first run with the FETBO and this particular circumstance. So when we processed this example with FETBO, this is what it looked like.

The facts were she was presenting and her boss asked her three clarifying questions. Like I said, kind of neutral, right? Emotions were embarrassment, anxiety, defensiveness. Her thoughts were, he thinks I'm incompetent or I'm blowing this, and she overtalked. This is her behavior as she overtalked and trying to address her boss's questions in the meeting. She avoided in the rest of the day and she didn't volunteer ideas in the next meeting, the outcomes, she missed an opportunity to contribute, and honestly, she reinforced her own self-doubt, and that was the first run.

So next week, like I said, I'll tell you more about how Leslie and I used FETBO to shift, but today we're creating awareness. Remember, awareness is the beginning of all work. And the first run with FETBO really created awareness for Leslie.

She realized that her feelings were supporting thoughts that her boss doubted her competence. Now. Just pause for a second because I don't want to overlook the possibility that those are accurate feelings and thoughts, but FETBO clarity helped us identify and examine the validity of those stories, and in Leslie's case, her past experiences with her boss showed her that he was direct. He's a direct communicator, and he asked questions of not only her, but of anyone presenting, her peers included.

She wasn't being singled out generally. Her boss was pretty supportive, so her story lacked other evidence and it didn't serve her. So Leslie realized she could shift those thoughts and she could adjust to more supportive emotions and create different outcomes. Based on the FETBO work, Leslie and I had a clear map to strategize what she wanted to shift for her next presentation. Next week, like I said, we'll unpack how FETBO doesn't just show you what happened, but it gives you the doorway to shift what happens next. Alright, I'm gonna give you a peek behind the curtain with my own FETBO.

I'm gonna use writing my book because it was one of the biggest challenges of my career. Not because I didn't have things to say, but because I wrestled with some of the same fears and spirals some of you may be familiar with. So here's my FETBO. Facts: I had committed to a deadline with my publisher.

I'd blocked off time to write, but the manuscript was still half finished. The cursor on my laptop just kept blinking. My emotions: I felt overwhelmed, anxious, honestly, a little bit ashamed for trying one more big thing. And once again, not finishing it. Fear, what if my words don't make a difference for anyone?

 My thoughts: My thoughts just ran wild. Real writers finish and you've never been a great finisher. Or what if this book doesn't measure up? You are not good enough. You don't have anything original to say. This is going to flop. Maybe you should quit before you embarrass yourself further. Thoughts can get kind of ugly.

But remember in the FETBO, we're not judging them. We're just observing them. Funny because, I feel you, because I feel a little bit of some of those same emotions that came up as I work through this with you here on the podcast. But make sure if you start feeling that way, just step back for a minute, take a deep breath and go, I'm just observing this.

I'm not reliving it, but I am gonna observe it so that I can learn from it. So what did I do based on what I just shared with you? My facts, my emotions, my thoughts - the behaviors: Instead of writing, I distracted myself.

It was productive procrastination. I reorganized my desk. I answered emails that could have waited until morning. I even did a load of laundry because folding towels felt safer than facing my empty page, but I still needed to be accomplished. The outcomes, you can probably guess less progress, more stress, more evidence to feed the stories in my head that I couldn't do it, which only made me dread writing even more.

But here's what happened when I ran that moment through FETBO. I saw clearly that the facts were actually neutral. Half a manuscript, deadline approaching, cursor blinking - that was it. The storm, was actually coming from my thoughts and behaviors. Once I noticed that I could start shifting the story and instead of I'm not good enough, I tried on some different ones.

Every writer struggles. Progress comes word by word, and that made me sit down and write a single page, which led to another and another, and eventually a finished book. So this week I'm asking you to not worry about the shift or the change. This week I want you to get familiar with the FETBO process and get clarity about what happened.

Enough theory, let's actually try this together. You don't need a pen and paper unless you want one. I mean, I highly recommend it, but if you have a notebook, grab it. If you have your phone, do it in your app. If you're driving, walking, folding laundry, just follow along in your mind.

Let's do a real FETBO check-in right here together on the podcast. I want you to think of a recent challenge, maybe not something that's massively triggering. Pick a small one to start and play with this process. So a recent challenge though, something that you've been looping in your mind probably was some frustrated self-talk, an outcome maybe that you didn't want or didn't anticipate.

Let's break it down. First up is f for facts. Just the evidence, nothing added. Focus on this recent challenge. Maybe from this week might be a good one to do something recent, maybe a little more accessible. Ask yourself what actually happened.

What's observable? Something a camera could capture or a witness could testify about? Not my coworker hates me. That's a thought. But my coworker asked me a question during the meeting. That would be a fact. Okay, take a breath. Name the facts in your situation. Go ahead. I'm gonna give you 10 seconds. 'cause it just feels awkward to give you more than that.

If you need more, you can always pause.

Okay, let's move on to E Emotions. What did you feel in that moment? No judgment. My friends not gonna judge those feelings. You're just gonna label them. Noticing is the first step toward leading yourself through it. Try to be specific. Was it frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, relief, maybe a mix. No judgment.

These are signals. This is what I share with my clients when we work on emotional granularity. These are signals telling you something important is going on. Usually they show up when your values, your identity, or your boundaries are. Challenged or affirmed. 'cause remember, these aren't always uncomfortable emotions.

Sometimes it's things like joy or excitement, curiosity, some of these moments that affirm values, identities, or boundaries, but sometimes they're challenging. These are the things that your emotions show up to give you messages about. So it's important to label those feelings. Name what you are feeling.

I'll pause here for 10 seconds. 

Okay, let's go on to thoughts. T for thoughts. Let's move on. This is the story you told yourself about the facts. Maybe it sounded like, I'm not prepared, they don't respect me, or I always mess this up. What's a sentence or two that ran through your mind? You can say it quietly to yourself or jot it down.

All right, behaviors. So how did you respond to those thoughts and feelings in this particular circumstance? And did you shut down? Did you defend yourself overexplain? Or maybe you powered through, but you just felt tense the whole time? Take a second or two to remember what did you actually do and words count.

Your behaviors could also be what you said in that particular circumstance. That is a behavior.

All right, O for outcomes, what happened as a result of your behavior? Did things get better? Did they get worse? Did you feel more connected or more isolated? Notice those ripple effects of that chain reaction.

All right, you did it. That's it. That's a full FETBO. Simple but powerful. And it doesn't have to be perfect or polished. Just noticed. And that noticing is the first step to leading yourself instead of being led by your emotions or your old stories. So next time you feel stuck or spiraling, run it through your FETBO lens.

You'll be amazed at how quickly clarity comes. Alright, here's what I wanna make sure you remember about FETBO. Facts anchor you. Emotions reveal what matters. Thoughts create the lens. Behaviors show you your choice. Outcomes are your evidence. FETBO gives you a way to process challenges with honesty and clarity.

It is permission in action. And here's the exciting part. Once you get used to mapping things out, this way, you can start shifting them. That's where real growth happens, and we'll talk about that in the next episode. For now, practice FETBO as a way to process your past challenges. Notice your patterns.

Build your emotional literacy. You don't need to worry about the change yet. Just see it. That's the foundation. Alright, here's your permission slip for this week.

 Permission to FETBO freely. You are not gonna do it wrong. This week is about getting used to the framework and noticing how each element connects.

If this resonates with you, FETBO is just one of the tools that I share in my book, Three Permissions. Inside, you'll find more ways to stop waiting for outside permission and start leading yourself from the inside out. And because I know some of you love having a tangible guide, I've created the free FETBO worksheet you can download.

So even if you have the book, although if you have the book, you know that there is a place you can go and get downloadable resources. But if you don't have the book yet and you want a tangible guide, I have one for you. The link is in the show notes. Listen, I always am so grateful to you for spending time here with me.

Thank you so much. I'm delighted to share this space with you. I would love to hear what's resonating with you or what you wish we could unpack together. Let me know how you FETBO on Instagram @BossYourselfFirst, or email me at robyn@bossyourselffirst.com.

I'll see you next time for part two, how to use FPO to shift your outcomes. All right, everybody, take care.