Permission to FETBO, Part Two: How to Shift Your Story and Shape the Outcomes You Want

Last week, we explored how the FETBO template helps you process challenges by breaking them down into Facts, Emotions, Thoughts, Behaviors, and Outcomes. It’s a powerful way to get unstuck and notice your patterns.

This week, we’re taking FETBO a step further. Instead of just looking back, we’ll use it as a map for moving forward. What if the facts don’t change  - but your story, your feelings, and your actions do? That’s the shift we’re practicing in this episode.

Through Leslie’s presentation story and Robyn’s own journey of finishing her book, you’ll hear how working backward through FETBO  - starting with the outcome you want and aligning your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions- can transform the way you show up, even in the same circumstances.

You’ll also get a guided FETBO exercise to help you strategize for your next challenge in real time and learn more about The Permission Project. 

FETBO Template: https://bossyourselffirst.kit.com/fetbo 

Sign up for Permission Project: https://bossyourselffirst.kit.com/permissionprojectsignup 

Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bossyourselffirst

Transcript

You are listening to The Boss Yourself First podcast, Season Three, Episode 11.

What if the circumstances in your life don't change? But the outcome does, simply because you choose to show up differently. That my friends is the power of FETBO.

Welcome back to The Boss Yourself First podcast. I'm Robyn White, and today we are continuing our conversation about the FETBO template, the self-leadership tool we explored last week in episode 10. We walked through how FETBO helps us process challenges that already happened. It was a way to practice using the tool and to see the value that it brings to see the facts clearly, to notice our emotions, catch the stories we tell ourselves and trace how those thoughts led to behaviors and outcomes.

That was last week's permission slip. Did you do it? Did you FETBO? I invited each of you last week to share with me how you FETBOed and got some responses. Thank you for those. Last week's focus helped us gain clarity and connection between the FETBO elements. Here's the exciting part though, and I hinted at it last week.

So this week we're gonna dive in. FETBO isn't just a rear view mirror, it's also a map for where you wanna go. Today we're talking about how to use it proactively to adjust your thoughts, your emotions, and behaviors in a way that create outcomes you want. Even though the circumstances may not change.

Okay? If you were with me last week, you'll remember that I shared part of Leslie's story. If you didn't catch last week, I would encourage you to pause, go back, get the context, get the initial intro in the practice with the FETBO. And of course, Leslie's story. But here's a super quick recap of the circumstances for Leslie.

Leslie gave a presentation. Her boss asked her three clarifying questions and the way she processed that moment left her feeling small and anxious and doubtful.

We walked through her FETBO step by step, just as she and I did in our session as she was recounting this with me, and as I shared last week, it gave us a clear picture of what had happened and why she felt so stuck in second guessing. But what I didn't share with you was what happened next?

Because here's the thing, like I said, FETBO doesn't just help us unpack the past. It can help us design the future. So let's circle back to Leslie this time. And this was just exactly what happened with Leslie and I. In her session, we ran FETBO again, a little bit reversed. The same facts, but this time we started with the outcomes she wanted.

We flipped it. And I asked her, if you could do it over again, what would you hope for? What would you want that outcome to look like? And Leslie said, I'd want my boss to see that I'm competent, that he can trust me, that I have some leadership presence instead of feeling like a deer in headlights. That was a very different ending than reinforcing your own self-doubt.

So we got to compare and contrast these two FETBO models. So again, we started with the same facts, then we went to this outcome, then we continued working backwards. If that was the outcome she wanted, what behaviors would she need in the moment? And this could take a second. Give yourself some time as you get used to thinking this way, especially if you spent a lot of time working through the FETBO last week.

If you struggle to recognize the behaviors from the outcome, moving straight into behaviors, you don't have to go exactly in reverse order, fill in the FETBO template as you can access the elements. But for our work here today, since you're just getting started, this is kind of like the intro level.

We're gonna go in order. But I wanted you to feel like you had the freedom to do it in a non-linear fashion as well. I unpack this in detail in three permissions, and if you wanna go deeper, the book could be a good resource for you.

But let's get back to Leslie. As far as her behaviors, when she looked at the outcomes, she realized she could acknowledge the legitimacy of his question. This is the behavior, how she wished she'd shown up to achieve the outcome that she had wanted.

She could acknowledge his questions, answer them concisely, even use language to create space if she needed to find more information. She realized that, oh, he could still understand that I'm competent when I say, "Hey, I think that merits some more thought. Can I get back to you on that?"

So then we asked if those were her behaviors, what thoughts would she need to hold about the facts instead of "He thinks I'm incompetent."

She reframed it to "This project is important and he wants clarity. He's helping me think through different perspectives." Notice the difference there. Because she was feeling like he was judging or doubting her in actuality in this, FETBO. He wants clarity because it's important and he's helping me think through different perspectives.

And if those were the thoughts, continuing to work up in FETBO, what emotions would support them? Excitement. Unity. A sense of being supported rather than attacked. Notice what happened. I'm gonna keep repeating this. Sorry but I really want this to come through. Same facts, totally different story. By starting with the outcome and working back up, Leslie created a clear map for how she wanted to show up differently next time.

And that gave her confidence and it gave her permission to shift. The second run gave her strategy, so she expanded her leadership. FETBO gave her the doorway to act differently, even though the situation itself didn't change.

Okay. last week I shared a bit of my own FETBO, around writing Three Permissions and I want to share it again now that you can look through the lens of shifting with the FETBO.

So while writing through permissions, the journey was not all tea and tidy chapters. There were plenty of late nights, plenty of times where my manuscript was half done and my cursor was just taunting me. Those were the facts. Half a manuscript, looming deadline, cursor blinking. The first time I ran FETBO on it, the outcome was super rough.

Overwhelm, procrastination, laundry folding instead of pages written. But my thoughts were things like, real writers don't struggle like this. Or maybe I am just not cut out for it. What if this flops, those thoughts created emotions like shame and anxiety, dread, and of course my behavior then was avoidance, which led to an outcome of, you guessed it. No new pages, no progress forward on the book.

Here's where the shift happened. I ran FETBO again, just as I've unpacked it with you in reverse. I asked myself, okay, what outcome am I going for here? Obviously, it seems really clear. A finished book, right? Not just done, but complete, written in my voice, peace of mind instead of panic.

So when I worked backwards to get that outcome, my behavior had to look like sitting down daily and writing. Even if it was messy, just one page at a time. And to choose that behavior, I needed some different thoughts. Instead of, I'm not cut out for this thoughts like every writer struggles. Progress is word by word.

This isn't failure, it's progress. And when I chose those thoughts, I noticed different emotions. Rising, steadiness, consistency, hope, even a little pride is I stacked up some pages. Guess what? Same facts. Blinking cursor, unfinished manuscript. Totally different outcome because I shifted my thoughts and my emotions and my behaviors, and in the end, that's what carried me all the way to a finished book.

So the next little segment in the podcast, 'cause I want it to be applicable, is mirroring what we did last week where I worked you through the FETBO model. Only this time we're gonna do it for an adjusted FETBO. So I encourage you, to go back and use the same facts you used last week.

If you can't remember, it's okay. Choose a new situation, new challenge. But make sure you're getting the facts. Remember provable facts. Go ahead and get those down. I know we're working in reverse, but I wanna make sure you're clear on the facts you're talking about as you unpack this.

So get your facts filled out. That's the F line in FETBO. Then we're scooting all the way down to outcome. The O. Start at the end and ask yourself, "If this went the way I wanted it, what would that outcome be?"

For me when I was writing the book, the outcome I wanted was clear, I told you, a finished manuscript. So I was really clear. You might have to give this a few minutes of thought. I encourage you to go ahead and be jotting this down if you can. I get it. If you're driving and listening or you're out for your walk with your dog, I get it.

Think it through in your mind, but I would encourage you to practice w hen you get back writing it out, it'll just make more sense, I think, if you get it in front of you. So what's your desired outcome in the situation you picked? Go ahead, name it, write it down if you can.

I'll give you just a few seconds.

 Okay, now we're going to the B in FETBO 'cause we're working our way up. And that's for behaviors. Ask yourself, if I want that outcome, what behaviors would support it? Remember, in my case with the book, it meant sitting down every day and writing at least one page, even if it was messy. No avoiding, no productive procrastination, just showing up consistently.

So for you, what behaviors would move you toward that outcome that you want? Go ahead and think it through.

Okay, the T-Line: thoughts. Next, if those are the behaviors, what thoughts do I need to carry into the situation? I'm just going continue likening back to my model. So when writing, I had to change my story from maybe I'm not cut out for this. To every writer struggles, progress is word by word. That shift gave me the courage to sit down and write instead of running away from the page.

So what thoughts do you need to hold to support the behaviors that you just jotted down below?

Okay, we're on to the E-line in FETBO so we're getting close. Emotions. What feelings will support those thoughts and actions? What do I want to cultivate here in, in the feelings? So if those are the thoughts, what are the emotions that support them? For me, it was steadiness hope. Pride for you. It may be confidence, curiosity, peace, determination.

Name the emotions you want to bring into the situation that support the thoughts, that support the behavior, that will produce the outcomes. I feel like we're in one of those like little nursery rhymes where you have to keep adding on or one of those games where you're sitting in a circle and you have to tell a story as a group.

I've actually done that with groups before. It is pretty fun. Alright, finally, anchor back to your facts. The facts don't change. For me. The fact was a blinking cursor and a looming deadline. But by shifting everything above it, my outcome, my behaviors, my thoughts, my emotions, the facts lost their power to control me.

 They no longer inspired the emotions of dread or shame, but instead, hope and excitement and pride. Do you feel the difference? The facts don't change, but you do. That's what leadership is, leading yourself through the same circumstances with new outcomes. A few key takeaways I wanna make sure that we sum this up powerfully.

FETBO is both a rear view and a compass. Rear view helps you process past challenges. Compass helps you map desired outcomes and guide actions forward. Here's your permission slip for this week. You have permission to change your map. You don't need to wait for the world to change before you do.

As always. Thank you for joining me in this season of permission. If today's episode helped you, grab the free FETBO template in the show notes. It's a fillable PDF or if you need to, you can print it out. If you like a pen and paper, [00:12:00] that's totally fine too. Don't forget to check out, especially if you wanna go deeper with FETBO, the book Three Permissions.

Next week starts our guest series in this season of permission, and I am so excited to introduce you to these amazing people and share our conversations. I think you're gonna really enjoy that and get a lot of value from those. I am delighted that you have tuned into the podcast today and as your podcast host, I am thrilled to have you here.

I love your comments. I love the reviews. I'm so grateful because it helps other people find the podcast. As your friend, I wanna show up with compassion because life gives us plenty of opportunities to wrestle with challenges, and I've shared some of mine as well as those that I walk through with my clients. But life also gives us opportunities to grow, to thrive, and to celebrate that growth. I am right there with you, cheering you on.

As your coach. I'm still compassionate, but I'm also here to challenge you, my friends. I don't want you to stay stuck or settle for survival. I want you to connect with your dreams, pursue them with courage, and live into the fullness of who you are.

If you're ready to take our work together beyond the podcast, listen up. The Permission Project wait list is open. When you sign up, you'll be the first to know when enrollment opens for our very first cohort in October.

So what is this Permission Project? You ask? It's an eight week, self-leadership journey built on permission principles: approach, adjust and act. Together as a group, you'll rediscover your values, strengths, and vision so you can reconnect with who you're becoming. You'll identify the adjustments needed to move from stuck to thriving. You'll take bold, intentional action that aligns with your dreams and equips you to create lasting impact.

The permission project is about giving yourself the space, the tools, and the support to stop waiting for outside approval and start leading yourself from the inside out. It's about moving beyond fine, beyond survival mode into a life where you feel alive, purposeful, and free. If that sounds like a journey you're ready for, get your name on the waiting list today.

The link is in the show notes, and I cannot wait to see what shifts when you give yourself permission.

Take care my friends. I'll see you next week.