Permission to Bounce Back (or not?): Building the Anchors That Turn Setbacks Into Strength

When life knocks you off course, bouncing back isn’t about snapping into shape or rushing toward “normal.” It’s about learning to anchor forward to find what steadies you, and use that stability to grow stronger and wiser than before.

In this episode of Boss Yourself First, Robyn White, PCC, explores what real resilience looks like through the lens of self-leadership. You’ll learn how to build four powerful anchors  -  faith, perspective, connection, and purpose that help you recover your balance and rise with intention. With stories, neuroscience, and a little Elle Woods energy, Robyn helps you rethink resilience as a daily practice of courage and clarity.

Plus, she introduces the free Resilience Anchor Journal, your companion guide for identifying what holds you steady and what helps you move forward. Because true resilience isn’t about bouncing back to who you were — it’s about becoming who you’re meant to be next.

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Get your free Resilience Anchor Journal:

Other Episodes Mentioned:

1) Permission to Grieve: the Loss, the Change, the Growth

2) Permission to FETBO: Going from Stuck to Self-led with this 5 Step Super Tool

Chapters

• 0:00 BYF Season 3 Episode 16
• 3:53 Marker
• 13:09 Marker

Transcript

You're listening to The Boss Yourself First podcast, season three, episode 16.

What if your next bounce isn't back to where you were, but toward who you're meant to be next?

Hey everyone, I am your host, Robyn White here at The Boss Yourself First podcast, and I know we're kind of getting towards the end of our season of permission. So I want to talk about this because honestly, it's come up for several of my clients lately and a couple of my friends as well. So it just feels super relevant at the moment.

So today I want us to think about the, the saying, bouncing back, we love to say someone bounced back. It sounds tidy like, like resilience is just this springing back into shape.

But what if real resilience doesn't take you back? What if it moves you forward? That's what we're talking about today. Giving yourself permission to bounce back or not, because sometimes the goal isn't to return to what was normal before the setback. . It's to anchor yourself in what matters most while reaching toward what's next. Every impact carries energy and every setback holds data for growth. And when we use that data wisely, we don't just bounce my friends, we become. Maybe you are in a season where life knocked you sideways, a job loss, a disappointment, a detour you didn't choose.

If so, take a deep breath. You are not alone. But you're here and you're already practicing self-leadership by choosing reflection instead of reactivity or autopilot. So today we'll talk about resilience anchors, the handholds that steady you while you climb, and how to use your bounce as a launch into purpose, not a spring back into comfort.

As I said earlier, our culture, we love a comeback story that seemingly quick recovery or the heroic rebound. I mean, look at the books and the movies that have become icons. Rocky, it's a wonderful life. Jane Eyre, star Wars, A Man Called Ove just to name a few. Resilience isn't a race to get back up though.

I know it seems like it when we see it all neatly packaged in a book or a movie, but it's not. It's a choice to rise with intention, and as we've discussed in previous episodes, stress or loss hits, our brains flood with cortisol and adrenaline, and those chemicals are actually, they're survival fuel. And they help us make it through, but they can also fog

our clarity. And resilience begins when that parasympathetic system finally says, we're safe enough to learn again. So bouncing back isn't just about snapping back. It's about giving yourself time to process by approaching to explore your anchors and then moving on to adjust or act.

I hope that sounds familiar because those are our permission principles that we've talked about the entire season. If you're watching the video, you might see me smiling because I just had a, I know what's coming in the episode and I've had a lot of fun crafting this one. So. To ground in reality, process what happened, and move forward.

This is what we're trying to do today. 

Earlier I mentioned anchoring, and these are important because resilience really depends on two kinds. The first is kind of the classic ship's anchor, the kind that drops deep and keeps you steady. When waters get rough or winds blow hard, that's the steadiness of your values. Your faith, your relationships, the things that hold you in place when everything around you feels like it's shifting.

But there's another kind that we don't talk about as much and it's the grappling hook kind, the one you toss out in front of you that catches on something solid, maybe a dream or goal. Maybe even just a small step. Remember, success doesn't have to mean massive, heights. It can mean just the next step, but this grappling hook helps you pull yourself forward and real resilience needs both the strength to stay grounded and the courage to keep reaching whether you're holding steady or climbing forward, both of these anchors count as progress. My friends one gives you peace. And the other gives you purpose.

So let's have a closer look at these anchors. And I, wanna harken back just for a second. In permission to grieve earlier this season, I think it was the first or second episode of the season, we talked about how healing begins when we honor what we've lost. And resilience can begin there too. Once we name the ache, we can notice what's holding us.

So let's walk. Through these resilience anchors together, they're not tasks to complete, they're touchpoints. Really. I'm not trying to give you a checklist. I just want you to have these touch points that you can reach for when you need both stability and direction. So the first one, the faith anchor, faith in what's true and unchanging. For some of us, that's faith in God. For others, it's faith in the steady goodness woven through life. The belief that love still matters. That kindness is a strength that light can break through even the hardest seasons. Faith is what reminds you that something solid exists beneath the waves. It's the quiet trust that you are held by something bigger and that you have what it takes to keep showing up. One small act of courage at a time. That's the kind of faith that steadies you, so you can gather your strength and reach forward again. Think about, we're talking about in the lens of resilience, right? That's what you do. You make progress, you rest, build up your strength and keep moving forward.

A few years ago, I coached a leader who lost her entire team during a restructuring. She said, I keep showing up, but I just don't know who I am without them. She was, very disoriented without her team, and one of the things we talked about was her faith anchor, and not just religious faith, but this deep trust in the meaning and design.

Of, whatever this particular setback was, bringing her. A story that was bigger than this particular moment. And the anchor didn't erase the pain, but it gave stability through the pain. So your reflection for this anchor, what's one thing that remains true for you, no matter what changes? The second anchor I want to discuss is the perspective anchor. When everything falls apart, remember we're talking about setbacks. When everything feels like it's falling apart, the instinct is to stare at what's broken. Think about if you hit your thumbnail with a hammer, you'll look at it.

That's what you're treating. You're not actually noticing, you know. How your hand over here is moving, you're noticing this really painful thumb. So same thing. When the circumstances or the setback provides a situation where it feels like everything's falling apart, we tend to look at what's broken. But the perspective anchor lets you lift your eyes and get perspective by noticing the wins and the learning in that circumstance.

So after my car accident a couple years ago, I, I couldn't see yet , what was going to be included in the restoration, what exactly was going to heal, how far back could I get? And some days my only victory was holding a teacup without pain. But perspective helped me see those small wins as proof that healing was happening, even when I couldn't feel it yet.

Every tiny success wasn't just physical progress. It was a signal to my brain. I always say, your brain's always listening, and this was a signal to my brain that learning and growth were still possible. It actually, even the more I repeated the thought, it rewired my brain for hope. And neuroscience supports this, it tells us that recognizing our progress, no matter how small. Releases dopamine. We've talked about it before, and that's our brain's kind of way of helping reward us for still going. It's telling ourselves, keep going. This matters. That's how we build motivation, resilience, and hope. And that when we lean into gratitude for those wins, we activate the brain's default mode network. Another thing you should be familiar with if you've listened to our past episodes. So that DMN, the Default Mode network supports our brains to rewrite our internal story. Perspective, teaches us to notice what's working instead of only what's wounded. It's how we learn to trust that forward movement is happening even in the slowest seasons.

So here's your reflection for this particular anchor. What might this experience be growing in you, even if it's uncomfortable? All right. The third anchor, the connection anchor. In hard seasons, and we, talked about this in a couple of different episodes this year, but in hard seasons, isolation feels protective, but resilience rarely happens alone.

I had a client who told me that she stopped meeting friends for coffee because she didn't wanna bring everyone down. She was in a tough season. But the first time she said yes to a connection. We talked about it. She came to the realization that this wasn't serving her well. She was trying to protect her friends from herself, which is the opposite of what she needed to do.

This was her time to lean into her friends, and the first time she said yes to a connection. She said that she cried halfway through her latte. She had just agreed to a brief coffee date with a really close friend, but she said she cried halfway through her latte. Not from sadness, but from relief.

Relief because it just felt so good to be seen, to be reminded by the people who know you and love you, that you belong, that you matter, and that you're strong.

Connection anchors don't fix the circumstance. They remind you of your belonging and they help regulate your nervous system. They soften the edges of fear and remind your brain that you are not facing your storm alone. Sometimes resilience begins with just that smallest reach. Think small steps. Text, go for a walk, if, if you're really close to that person, a shared silence, you're just companionably doing something together.

Because even one trusted presence can study you when your own strength feels thin. So here's your reflection for this anchor, the connection anchor. Who helps you remember your wholeness when you forget?

, And if you have more questions about that, we have a whole episode called Permission to Connect, and I think that that, that would support your work there if you're finding that a particular challenge. So finally, our last anchor, the purpose, anchor. 

Purpose, it doesn't always roar. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it's a journey in a slow unfolding. One of my clients left a long time career and felt like he'd lost his identity. And through our coaching in this, when I give you these little condensed versions of my coaching sessions, I want you to know that this, this was a process.

It feels like it was all super quick and we came to this quick point, quick fix, switch to flip and everything changed. No, it's a process, but through our process, we reframed the purpose, not as a title, but as impact. Mentoring two young colleagues rekindled his spark. He had years of experience. He had wonderful connections and networking that he could support and help other people stand on the shoulders of his work.

So purpose anchors turn chaos into direction. They remind us that meaning isn't something we chase, it's something we create with one intentional act at a time.

So here's your reflection what new expression of purpose is emerging for you in this season? In what you do or in what you're becoming? So now you've got the four anchors and each of these anchors, faith, perspective, connection, and purpose, holds you steady as you begin to climb again. They're not weights, they're handholds. Think of a rock wall with, specific holds that you are are reaching toward. They remind you of what's solid beneath your feet and what's still possible ahead of you. Because resilience, it isn't just about surviving a storm. It's about learning where you place your hands and your hope as you pull forward.

And these anchors give your bounce direction and your energy, meaning. 

I hope you'll, really work through these anchors and these reflection points, and I have a resource for you at the end of the episode that I'll share with you. Remember how I talked about some of the current movies and books, not even current, but movies and books that have kind of become iconic. I was holding back, this was my smile earlier, I was holding back because there's one in particular that I really want to share here, I want Elle Woods to come in for a little cameo right here in this episode because I think not only is it just legally blonde, one of my favorite movies, that will always make me smile. I always feel uplifted when I watch that movie, but. I think Elle Woods is not only an expert on the bend and snap, and if you've seen the movie, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

But I think that Elle Woods also has conquered or mastered the art of bouncing forward. And I know she's fictional, but sometimes a fictional character captures real truth. And Elle Woods, the author of Legally Blonde, Amanda Brown, she was inspired by her own law school experience and. Reese Witherspoon who brought Elle to life on the screen once said she loved the role because it proved optimism and intelligence could coexist, and that pink could lead.

So enter into this world of Elle Woods with me, just for a little while. Indulge me a little bit. I hope that you've seen the movie. If you haven't, I'm a little jealous because I think you're gonna really like it. And you get to see it for the first time, and that is fun. But anyway, think about when Warner broke up with Elle, and I will try not to have too many spoiler alerts here, but think about when Warner broke up with Elle and her first instinct was heartbreak.

Understandably, right, but eventually she redirects her pain into purpose. She applies to Harvard law and in the process discovers a new version of herself. Elle didn't bounce back to her old story. She used the bounce to write a new one. She anchored herself with, and these should sound familiar now with faith, perspective, connection, and purpose.

The same ones we just unpacked, and I'm gonna put them in the Elle context. Faith, the unshakeable belief in her own capability, perspective, seeing rejection as redirection, connection, building new community around her values and purpose, realizing she wanted justice more than approval. And that's what real resilience looks like.

The bounce forward doesn't erase what hurts you. It redefines what drives you. So when life tells you you're not serious enough or ready enough, channel a little Elle Woods energy. Feel it, learn from it, and then show up for your next chapter in your metaphorical pink power suit. Or maybe not even metaphorical, not to prove them wrong.

But to show yourself what you are capable of, because sometimes the most powerful bounce forward begins when you stop auditioning for the old story

and start authoring your own.

. I hope you enjoyed that cameo appearance and it, it's not quite over, but now that we've kind of got our anchors, I wanna connect to a tool that we've unpacked earlier in the season. I want to go back to the FETBO model. It's something I teach in my book. It's something I've taught here in the podcast, so I'm not gonna take a massive deep dive, but I wanna , bring it out to play just a little bit,, so we can, apply it to Elle's situation.

Remember the FETBO model. It's a self-leadership lens for awareness and direction. It can be a mirror showing you where you are and a guide helping you create where you're going. We'll have the link to the show notes for the earlier episodes that really deep dive into FETBO. But let's look at Elle's story with FETBO.

So FETBO as a mirror. So this is version one of the FETBO and that would be early Elle. So the facts, and remember, our facts don't change on our FETBO models. So the facts. Elle and Warner had broken up. Elle gets into Harvard, she attends classes, she meets new people. These are factual. The emotions, the things that she shows up with.

Sad, embarrassed, lonely, determined, and the thoughts I'll show him. Speaking of Warner, I'll show him and prove to him that he made a mistake about me and the behaviors. Works hard, attends Harvard law. Flirts with Warner when she gets there. Isn't prepared for class. Class was not really her focus. Her focus was Warner.

So the outcomes she has to deal with Warner's jealous fiance, she gets embarrassed in class and she's still very much reacting. So that was early Elle version one, the mirror. Let's look at the FETBO as a guide, the becoming Elle, so the facts don't change. She and Warner have broken up. She's at Harvard, she's attending classes, she's meeting new people.

The emotions, hopeful, optimistic, determined is still there and caring the thoughts. I define my worth and I can trust myself to show up with my best in class at work, in social situations, in court, and that is enough. Do you see the difference? The thought line in early Elle I'll show him and prove to him that he made a mistake about me.

The thought line in becoming Elle is I get to define my worth. I can trust myself, and that's enough the new behaviors. Because of the feelings. Because of the thoughts. Elle studies hard. She builds community, she advocates for others. And she redefines the outcomes.

Sorry, I jumped ahead. The outcomes, she redefines and achieves success on her own terms, and that's how FETBO helps us turn reaction into intention. So again, if you haven't done the FETBO work yet, go back and do it. But, once you've got the concept down, ask yourself, what is my mirror? What is my current FETBO right now with this setback?

And what is my aspirational FETBO? What's my guide? You're gonna have two versions. That's where resilience becomes reinvention. And I wanted to give that to you. I wanted to touch on it in this episode because it is a really powerful tool and something I hope that you will give a chance to, but also do the work with the anchors.

I think that's particularly helpful. Especially in the first part, after a setback that first season, get those anchors so that you can start pulling yourself forward. As we're kind of. Working towards the end of this episode. I hope that, I hope it's been a little fun as we think about Elle and her journey. I hope that it's been encouraging, but again, clients sometimes tell me, I just, I just wanna feel like myself again. And remember how I told you sometimes as your coach, I have to show up a little bit challenging, and I do it with the greatest of love.

So when I hear a client say, I just wanna feel like myself again. I remind them, you don't have to bounce back to that version of you because that version of you didn't know what you know now. Resilience isn't erasing the fall, the failure, the setback, whatever it is, it's not erasing that. It's integrating what it taught you.

You're not the victim of a setback. You are the leader walking yourself through it. Becoming a new version, a new chapter.

You've studied yourself, you've gathered your anchors, faith, perspective, connection, and purpose. You've learned that resilience isn't about bouncing back, it's about anchoring forward. So as the tradition of the season has dictated, here's this weeks permission slip. I give myself permission to gather wisdom from what happened and use it as fuel for what's next.

I don't have to go back. I can grow forward.

Okay, my friends, I hope you've really enjoyed this episode. I hope you're finding it useful and encouraging in all of the things. I wanna give you a sneak peek into next week because it's related to this week. So this week, , we've done the work, we've got the anchors. Now comes, the next part of self-leadership is deciding what to do with what you've learned. That's self-leadership. My friends, you've proven you can recover. Now it's time to reimagine. So in our next episode, we're gonna walk through that moment together, how to take what you've learned and design your next chapter. We'll explore boundaries between who you were and who you're becoming and how to take the lessons from this bounce and turn them into leadership.

Because self-leadership doesn't end when the crisis does. It carries you into what's next. So if today's conversation stirred something in you, if you're ready to stop just surviving your setbacks and start leading yourself forward, you'll find even more tools inside my new book, Three Permissions.

It's a deep dive into the same kind of self-leadership we talk about here every week. The power of giving yourself permission to grow differently. You can find it wherever you order books or click the link posted with this episode and get your copy and the companion reader resources. If you wanna stay connected between episodes, I hope you do.

I would love to send you my short weekly email, three on Thursday, one thought, one tool, one tactic to help you keep leading yourself. First, you can sign up@bossyourselffirst.com or the link is in the show notes because self-leadership I isn't something you mastered just once. It's something you practice every single day.

And speaking of practice, I promised you one final resource to share. I created a little something to help you apply today's conversation. It's a free guide called The Resilience Anchor Journal. It walks you through how to identify and apply your own grounding and forward anchors to design your bounce forward.

And I have a link for that PDF in the show notes as well. Alright, friends. Thank you for spending this time with me. Remember, resilience isn't about how fast you get up. It's about how intentionally you rise. So keep anchoring forward and I'll see you next time. Take care.