Is screen time messing up my child?

A parent asked me "Is screen time messing up my child?" and I thought it would be important to address this in a podcast episode. 

We've all had those moments of guilt, especially around screen time. Well, it's time to say goodbye to that guilt! This episode encourages you to establish clear screen time boundaries and involve your kids in the process, whether it's by designing a visual schedule with Canva or deciding on activities to enjoy as a family. You'll learn how devoting intentional time to your kids, devoid of screens, can drastically improve your relationship. 

So, tune in and let's embark on this enlightening journey together!

Transcript

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Screen Time's Impact on Children's Development

Speaker 1 0:00

Hello , my dear friend , welcome back to another episode of the Curious Drone podcast . My name is Cindy Hevington and I am your host . Thank you for joining me every Monday If you subscribe to the podcast . If you have not , please take a moment to subscribe . And what we talk about here is emotions , your child's emotions , your emotions and how it impacts their development or mental health . I am a mom of three and I have a PhD in neuroscience . I try to share the research with you or interview specialists and sometimes , like today , I'm all by myself . And this is a solo episode because I spoke with somebody recently and it led me to think about this idea for a podcast episode and I thought that many of you can relate to it . So if you've ever thought to yourself is screen time messing up my child , then this episode is for you .

Speaker 1 0:50

First , I'd like to thank the Ten and Bomb Open Science Institute for supporting the Curious Drone podcast . Thank you for the work that you do and for supporting Open Science . That is what I am all about . I want to make sure that you guys get the science , and sometimes I share my experiences as well . But I've also had some new sponsors . If you haven't noticed yet they are on in all the show notes . First , I would like to thank our new sponsor , betterhelp , for supporting the Curious Drone podcast . Mental health and well-being of both the parent and the child are important to the brands we work with , which is why we were so happy to get the support and to get sponsored by BetterHelp for this podcast . Betterhelp is the world's largest therapy service and it's 100% online . With BetterHelp , you can get the same professionalism and quality you expect from in-office therapy , but with access to a huge network of therapists , more scheduling flexibility and a more affordable price . Click the link below to get 15% off the first month of therapy .

Speaker 1 1:46

Secondly , I would like to thank PocPoc Playroom for supporting the Curious Drone podcast as well . We have been friends with PocPoc for a long time now and they are giving you 50% off a one-year subscription for this app . Pocpoc is a collection of digital toys that spark creativity and learning through open-ended play . This was , in fact , the first app that my kids ever played with that I felt comfortable introducing to them because it is open-ended , there aren't loud sounds , it's not over-stimulating , so it's great for neurotypical kids , for neurodivergent kids , it's okay for a calming activity , even if it's screen time . So I really do encourage you to try it out for seven days for free and to click on the link in the show notes to download the app and get 50% off your first year .

Speaker 1 2:31

And lastly , a sponsor for August Only is a company that is local , based here in Montreal , called Go Coconut . If you follow me on Instagram , you know that most of the pictures that involve my kids playing involve their play couch , and this play couch is designed so well and basically takes three kids jumping on it every single day and hasn't changed its structure . So if you are looking for a very good quality play couch that will take your child away from the screen and give them some physical activity during the day , whether it's summer or winter or rainy day , a cold day , you could have the play couch in your home and get 15% off only for the month of August . So click on the link below to get 15% off your play couch and use the code CuriousNuron . And lastly , if you haven't done so yet and you're enjoying the CuriousNuron podcast , don't forget that you can rate it and review it on Spotify or on Apple podcasts , and send me an email at info at CuriousNuroncom . I will send you a free PDF called Meltdown Mountain , which is a visual that can help your child understand , when they're starting to feel dysregulated what tool , sorry , that you can use when you're feeling dysregulated , and it'll give you the information that you need to support your child through this . I'm also going to put the link to a article on the CuriousNuroncom website and this article has a free PDF that's going to help you work through what we're going to talk about today , so you can get all of that in the show notes . There's a lot there today , a lot of information .

Speaker 1 4:00

So this week I had a conversation with somebody who asked me you know , my child has been watching a lot of screen time this summer . Am I messing my child up or have I already messed my child up ? And I think that this is a question that many of us , including myself , at some point have had . And I want to have this conversation today because I have spoken about screen time a lot on CuriousNuron , a lot more in the , you know , maybe a year ago . Now I'm focusing a lot more on emotions , but screen time can impact a child's behavior and emotions , so we do need to bring it back into the conversation . So there are a few things that I'm extremely adamant about in terms of screen time , and I've done this with my kids in my own home . I'm not , you know , saying to do it and I never did it .

Speaker 1 4:42

Screen time before the age of two is still something that I strongly believe in because of the research that we're seeing . Yes , you can look at it both ways and say , well , there aren't any strong longitudinal studies , fair , but there's enough research for me personally to say we should not be showing our kids 18 months or younger 24 months and younger , you know TV shows that can be stimulating , or just , you know , being mindful of how much they're watching . So if a parent is listening to this and saying , well , my , you know , seven month old happened to see a TV show the other day , or I wasn't feeling well , I was sick and I needed my child to be entertained , and I put the TV on , I don't want you to feel guilty about that . I also don't want you to feel guilty if you've been listening , or if your child is , you know , 14 months old and has been watching TV for 14 months . It's never too late to make changes or habit changes right within our home , and that's one of them . So what I'd love for parents to know is that this is one thing I'm adamant .

Speaker 1 5:43

Adamant about is , what you know , not really showing them screen time . I did that with all three of my kids . By the third child they started watching closer to 18 months , but I was still very mindful of what they were watching and how slow it was and what kind of TV shows they were watching . That was across the board . Another thing that I'm really adamant about is to have some sort of schedule and to have some sort of boundaries or limits . And you know habits , I guess , within the home .

Speaker 1 6:14

If you yourself , as a parent , if you are struggling with turning your phone off or not using your screen , but then we're trying to set boundaries for our kids , I mean realistically it's going to be hard for the child to not do it . Right , like , why are you doing it ? And if a child tells you you're , you know on your phone a lot and they're asking for your attention , and you tell them I'm not , leave me alone , that's something that we just need to be mindful for as well . Right , like they're saying it for a reason and we don't know . It's okay . I'm saying this because I've seen this happen , where somebody takes it personally that a child says like , hey , you know , get off your phone , let's just take a breath and step back a little bit .

Speaker 1 6:52

What are the rules and the boundaries within our home when it comes to screen time ? That's the second point that is really important to me . If I want to have boundaries for my kids , I need to show them that I have boundaries as well . What can you do within your home that is screen free ? You know which moments , which days , which times of the day that you show your child , you're connecting and you're not always looking at your phone . You are allowed to have moments that you disconnect . Let's not make this an all or nothing right . You're allowed to have moments when you say I just want to like chill for a bit . Give me some , give me 10 minutes . After dinner , I'm going to scroll through my phone , answer emails , do whatever you do on your phone , read something and then I'll get back to you . You're allowed to have that as well . But just , it's just important for kids to see that we have rules around screen time because it is a health thing .

Speaker 1 7:40

Personally , in my home , I do not bring my phone in my room . It stays in the kitchen or my office and it does not come into the bedroom . That is my personal rule for me . Nobody told me to do that , just me . I don't want to get used to going onto a screen before bed . That's like my phone . I do have a Kindle . I read off of the Kindle and I read a little bit before bed . It's just easier for me because I can also read when I'm putting the kids to bed . But that's how I do it in my home and there are no phones at the dinner table . It's been like that since my husband and I got married . We don't scroll on our phone during dinner . We've never had a dinner somewhere at the restaurant or something where we're on our phones Dinner . The dinner table is not a place for a phone . That is our rule . I want you to come up with your own , something that feels good for your family and something that feels good for you .

Speaker 1 8:32

The third rule is what are you doing when there isn't any screen time ? Are your kids going outside ? Are your kids getting time to connect with you and to play with you ? Are they getting open-ended play moments ? Are there times when they're able to just be bored and figure out what to do when you feel bored , if there aren't any down moments , if you're in the car and you're being entertained , if you're at home and being entertained , if you're at the doctor's office or the restaurant and you're being entertained all the time , then there's something that we need to talk about . We need to figure out what you're doing in between that . Is it being used all the time ? Is there downtime ? And when there is downtime , are you taking that time to be with your child or give them time to play ? Because play like pretend play and imaginative play , role playing , all of that kind of play construction playing , outdoor play , playing in the mud , playing with rocks , playing sports those are all extremely important for your child's development . So we do need to think about that . That being put to the side , now that I've said my three really important rules for myself and my home , there are moments and days and months or times when it's okay to not follow certain rules .

Speaker 1 9:44

So this particular parent was struggling with morning routines because there was camp or school and morning routines with the children . It was just very difficult to get things started . This person had , you know , meetings in the morning before starting , before the kids started school work meetings , so it was hard to do that when the children are young and they want your attention . So that hour of screen time in the morning was helping that parent . You know that I talk about that all the time .

Speaker 1 10:13

When it comes to everything that I talk about the research , emotions , mental health you need to think about yourself first when it comes as a parent and that's not being selfish , but that thinking of yourself first means exactly what this parent was doing . If you have a meeting that you can't be disturbed , but you're alone with two very young kids and starting off the day with screen time is something that worked for you , that's okay . The only reason why this parent started questioning it and called me is because they had to give a consequence to their kids last week and noticed that there was a lot of pushback when it came to the screen time . Like you know , why can't I use the screen ? However , what was interesting is that those kids started playing board games and by day three stopped asking about the TV . So that parent was thinking have I messed up my kids ? Did I mess them up by putting them in front of the TV ? And I want you to know that when it comes to the research .

Speaker 1 11:12

Yes , they talk about attentional difficulties , not necessarily ADHD , but how too much screen can cause attention difficulties in children . It's a cause , it's a relationship , it's not a direct cause . But here's what I told the parent what you need to do when you're approaching screen time for kids , especially when they're older . If they're like you know , four and older , whatever age , screen time is okay . But if you're noticing some behavioral issues , for example , or some emotional issues where your child is losing control of their emotions and acting out a certain way , it's okay to come back to the drawing board . I don't want you to feel guilty and say , wow , you know , they spent a whole summer , you know , with every single morning in front of the TV instead of I don't know doing something else . But the rest of their day seemed pretty good , and then they came home and then they were in front of the TV again . I don't want you to feel guilty . I always want you to look forward . What can I do tomorrow to change this ?

Speaker 1 12:15

If you've noticed behavioral changes or that your child is often dysregulated and you can't get them to come back and settle down after screen time , today is a good day to make a new change , right To create a new habit . What can you change today to help your child ? I'm not going to get into the research of screen time I've done that before , several times , through Instagram posts and through podcasts as well but what I want to talk about today , I want to talk to you , the parent that is perhaps feeling guilty . So when it comes to that feeling of like you know , I've noticed a difference in my child . Now what ? What I advised this particular parent was bring the kids in , use them as , like your partner in this , and developing what will a new routine look like in her home . So school is starting now for a lot of kids , or is about to begin . What can you do differently when school starts ? What will the schedule be

Screen Time Boundaries, Building Connection

Speaker 1 13:15

for screen time ?

Speaker 1 13:15

So when I was talking to this parent about that , they realized that they had never set a clear boundary or schedule around screen time , and that's why kids kind of didn't know . They would keep asking because , well , it's Wednesday on . You know it's 4 pm . You never told me that there's no screen time on a Wednesday at 4 pm . So I'm gonna whine and complain about it until I get screen time . But what I did with this parent is set a schedule what works for you first ? Right , I'm bringing you , the parent , back into first place here because you're so important .

Speaker 1 13:50

So if you are a parent and you're working from home and you have meetings with companies , I don't know , let's just say Monday and Wednesday morning , well , make that your screen time . That becomes the time where you need it to help you in that moment and that's okay . But let go of the guilt . You don't have to have guilt around it . It's part of your schedule . Then sit down with your kids and say I need to have time to work Monday and Wednesday morning and I'm just bringing this up as an example . It could be whatever right Coming back from school weekends , whatever your schedule looks like . But this particular parent had meetings some morning . So I said if your meetings are Monday and Wednesday morning , then sit with your kids and say the other three days I need you to be able to play without the screen , whether it's going outside and moving around before school or day camp starts , whether it's playing a board game together , whether it's coloring or doing something together . I want you to figure out what you're going to do .

Speaker 1 14:50

And we added a different kind of day , so this particular parent chose , let's say , monday and Wednesday for screen time because of their meetings . Tuesday and Thursday was going to be your board . You're going to figure it out on your own and she's going to be . The parent is going to be working and the kids had to , you know , play on their own but the parent didn't have a meeting , so it wasn't as serious as the Monday and Wednesday . But then here's the important part Set an intentional time with your kids where you are going to spend time with them during the week . So if you have screen time certain days of the week , certain times of the week , then you factor in the open ended play , the . You play whatever you want , but it's not screen time . Factor in another kind of play which is playing with you . It doesn't have to be three hours , not even an hour . It could be 20 minutes .

Speaker 1 15:42

You can say every Friday after dinner we're going to spend time playing a board game together or going for a walk together . Ask your child what's important to them . They might say , hey , we want to play a board game with you or a card game . Do something that is screen free on that day and do it intentionally and look forward to it . Remind them on Tuesday , I'm so excited for Friday . What board game are we going to play on Friday together this week ? Get them excited about that time to connect and I promise you that that intentional time to connect with your child will make a really big difference during the moments where you can't and you have other things that you need to do . They make a huge difference .

Speaker 1 16:23

I do this with my kids as well . I try to be intentional with balancing screen time , open ended play with my three kids and time to connect . I've been doing that throughout the summer because I've also been working a little bit more and my three kids are home with me , so I've had to balance working during the day and also finding time to connect . There are days where I can't play , but I let them know hey , monday or Wednesday morning I don't have any meetings and I don't have to work . Those are going to be our times together . What do you guys want to do together on that day ? And they'll say something like we want to play , you know , this kind of board game , this card game ? Nope , we want to play with our dolls . We want to play with our magnet , magnetic tiles , batman , whatever it is . They set the schedule and they feel so good that they can do this .

Speaker 1 17:11

So I know that I spoke to you about screen time and that I said this whole episode was about it , but really it's about finding what works for you and your family and if you realize that you are having way too much screen time in your home , then sit down and come up with some sort of game plan . What is that going to look like in my home ? And if my child is old enough , how do I bring them into this schedule ? How do I bring them into this sort of planning ? What screen time boundaries look like in her home ? How long will it be , and how do I involve them into this process ?

Speaker 1 17:45

And , if you can , you can use canvacom and create a schedule . Canva allows you to create like PDFs or images and you can have a little picture of a screen on a Monday and a picture of a screen or TV on a Wednesday and say , hey , those are the mornings that you can watch it Whenever you see the picture of the screen , and you can divide your schedule by morning , afternoon and night . You could put a nice big sun in the morning something I don't know , whatever image for the afternoon and the moon for the evening , and just so . If your child is younger , they'll understand by the images and when you see a TV it's screen time . And then you can have another image that just allows them to understand that there's only a certain amount of screen time . Set the limit . Is it 20 minutes ? Is it 30 minutes ? Is it an hour , is it two hours ? What is their screen time ? And then keep talking about it .

Speaker 1 18:32

And it's okay if you get pushed back when screen time is over . My four year old still does it but it's about supporting that . Yeah , I get it . It's not fun when it's over . It happens a lot of sometimes going to the park , the moment is over or the day is over . I had a child who struggled with the end of the day because it's so fun . Support your child and validate those emotions . It's not fun when screen time is over , I get it , but it is over now because , remember , we said when hour and the hour is over , what are we gonna do now ? Or what did you wanna play with ? And you can even ask them to plan that before .

Speaker 1 19:09

So if you have a younger child who struggles with a transition of ending screen time , have them look forward to something in the future . What are we going to do right after screen time is over ? Well , are we going to play a game together , or are you going outside , or is it going to be lunch ? What would you like to have for your lunch ? Have them look forward to something in the future , and it's going to help them and it's going to help you . Kind of look towards that when it's over . That's all I wanted to say today . I hope that this has helped you .

Speaker 1 19:37

I don't want parents to feel guilty . We have enough on our plates but I also don't want screen time to become something that a child is used to only having . We want to create alternatives , right , different things around that . So if you think or you've questioned whether or not you are messing up your child with the screen , just take a moment to step back and say well , what are the rules and the boundaries within my home ? How do I create healthy boundaries where I'm balancing them being bored and them being entertained by the TV or a screen , and am I using that screen every single moment of the day ? And if I am , it's not too late to cut it out . There will be resistance at the beginning , but every time I've spoken to a parent we had actually the first episode of the Curious no One podcast five seasons ago was with a parent who took a one week screen-free challenge and she had an 18 month old daughter and when she stopped TV her daughter was watching about three hours a day .

Speaker 1 20:36

When she stopped the TV , there was a lot of resistance , child asking every single moment for TV , and the parent said that it took about two days and by the third day the child was playing on her own and she hadn't noticed before that the child hadn't learned how to play pretend yet and that's because most of her day was taken up by . Whatever free time she had was taken up by the screen . So let's just be mindful of that . Forget the guilt . Let's just be proactive and create game plans and problem solve through what's happening in our homes and create healthier , better boundaries around screens . I hope this episode was helpful for you . Please take a moment to rate the podcast and leave a rating . You can do this on Spotify or on Apple podcasts , and let me know if you did so . I will send you a free PDF . Thank you , and I hope you have a lovely and beautiful week . Bye .