I Need a Date for the Wedding

S2E4 | That Time We Almost Killed Spider-Man

• Gibbs & Shah • Season 2 • Episode 4

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Two guesses as to which one of these idiots almost shot a Spider-Man cosplayer. Anywho, episode four starts off with some talk about Gibbs' work party antics and her hidden athletic prowess (that was an exaggeration). From there, the lads discuss a rather nerve-wracking cinema trip and their unconventional self-defense strategies. 

Things take a serious turn as they discuss the their two year hiatus... by discuss I mean make glancing mention of it before deflecting and moving onto another topic: the trials and tribulations of sharing living spaces with total strangers.  Dishonest landlords, living with in-laws, room hunting on Craigslist... buckle up and enjoy the shenanigans!

Gibbs:

We need a new intro.

Shah:

Welcome anyone and everyone listening out there. I'm shy. I'm Gibbs. She's trying to grow up, he's really not. And this is. I need a date for the wedding.

Gibbs:

Who's going to catch the bouquet? Who's?

Shah:

going to catch the STI.

Gibbs:

You didn't ask, but you'll find out all that and more.

Shah:

Don't be shy, because we're really not And you probably shouldn't be listening to this at work. We are officially back out into the world The first three episodes of season two out into the world. How are you?

Gibbs:

feeling man Pretty indifferent To be, honest.

Shah:

All right, have you actually listened to the show?

Gibbs:

I'm present in the moment. What more do you want from me? Is that not enough?

Shah:

You, you, you, you. Well, I'm excited because we are back in the podcast game After two years away. we have people listening to us again, Maybe content we're putting out again. Speaking of which, hey, everyone, that's Gibbs.

Gibbs:

Hi, that's her.

Shah:

And I'm Shaw, and this is season two, episode four of I Need a Date for the Wedding, so do we jump to the show or do we have other business to talk about first?

Gibbs:

I got a tan today? Yeah, I had to go outside for a work party. How was that? How was your work party? It was good. I played some disc, so that was fun, and I threw a football and I caught a football And that was enough football for me. So then I walked it over to my friend and handed it back to her.

Shah:

Now, when you threw the football, how far did it go To her Where I was shooting?

Gibbs:

To her where I was trying to go, which is like not super far, but I have never really thrown a football, I don't think before. Well, you used to be an athlete, you used to play basketball And volleyball and track and cross country, but I had stopped doing cross country because I kept getting lost. Someone in recycling today was introducing me to people. But she introduced me and she's like this is the weirdest person that I've ever met.

Shah:

And.

Gibbs:

I was like I don't want to be known by that in my fucking office.

Shah:

No, no, you're the weird girl in the office. You're the weird girl in the office. That is your title.

Gibbs:

That's who you are.

Shah:

That's how they describe. you Accept it.

Gibbs:

I am normal most of the time. I only talk about ghosts like 20 percent of my time at work And I feel like that's a low amount. It's way less than I talk about cryptids Also, I don't know if I've told you this, but I think I'm going to go to a rodeo in a couple weeks. Why? Because I really want to be a cowboy and I want to see how it's done.

Shah:

You ever heard of medieval times.

Gibbs:

Yeah.

Shah:

I went when I was a kid. That explains a lot, yeah, i think, my first time going there they have like a joust, And one of the performers was a woman and she was the winner of the joust And after the joust she came up to the crowd and gave.

Shah:

she gave her rose And out of that whole fucking audience they put a spotlight on me and she wrote up to me on this horse and gave me this rose. And this is me at like. you know, i'm not a fan of the horse. I'm like eight, 10 years old. That was the moment when I knew I was like I'm a God among men. Like this is a thousandth moment I realized I was special This year.

Gibbs:

It really does explain a lot. Have you ever been to the Renaissance festival?

Shah:

No, I feel like I should, because I feel like my people are there. That's one of those things where I actively rebel against things that seem like it's my thing.

Gibbs:

Yeah, but sometimes you don't Like you made me watch that stupid fucking Marvel movie, all right.

Shah:

So we went to go see the Avengers in game on opening night. That was significant for a couple of years, Yeah. So on the way there I discovered that Gibbs has never watched any of the Marvel movies.

Gibbs:

So I've watched Spider-Man with Toby McGuire. I feel like that counts. It doesn't count. So on the way to the show.

Shah:

I'm going to watch the Marvel movie On the car ride there. I'm trying to give her a summary of the million movies that came before in-game.

Gibbs:

Also also on our way there. I played a fun game called Is This Superhero Going to Be in It, And I guess a lot that weren't like. Batman No. Catwoman No, Aquaman No.

Shah:

Well, that night was also interesting for another reason. So, if you remember, around that time there were some concerns that a movie theater on opening night for Avengers in Game might be the perfect site for a mass shooting. Because, you know, this is America, we're living in You were saying, you were saying So, just in case some bullshit happened, i just have to be armed.

Gibbs:

that night I thought you were going to say you were going to use me as a meat shield. That too possibly. My partner said he would do that with me too.

Shah:

I was armed. that night, and as we're sitting there waiting for the lights to dim, all of a sudden there was this commotion towards the entrance to the theater. You remember this shit?

Gibbs:

No, absolutely not. Was I drunk.

Shah:

Yeah, you were, cuz you bought beer at the concession stand, you and you were chunking it. This giant fucking picture. Yeah, cuz I had to watch that fucking movie that was like four hours long all of a sudden there's this commotion and The doors bang open and this guy runs in and a spider-man suit. And if I had a like well.

Gibbs:

I'm about to kill spider-man.

Shah:

Turns out He was a. he was just a super nerdy fan Who wanted to like make a cool entrance on opening night, so he ran in in his spider-man suit and Quoted a line that spider-man said in the previous movie. Yeah, mr Stark, i don't feel so good He has no idea.

Gibbs:

I didn't get that.

Shah:

But the theater laughed and if I had, i'm like this motherfucker has no idea how close, he came.

Gibbs:

To die, to kiss and God straight on the lips.

Shah:

I just Slowly tucked it back. Think about that a lot. I'm like almost kill.

Gibbs:

Spider-man I.

Shah:

Think it's time for us to thank Olivia K in the parkers for our things Olivia yeah and the parkers thank you and the parkers. So I think episode four. I think it's about time We actually tell our listeners More about this two and a half year gap. What's what he?

Gibbs:

It was really. It was really just to build suspense.

Shah:

But if you have been following us from the beginning, you know that we just stopped for a long time. We just stopped After season one, episode seven. We just disappeared, no explanation, we just stopped no explanation, no warning. Just gone which, to be honest, you'll, you'll get used to, that's us as people too.

Gibbs:

Yeah, yeah.

Shah:

That is pretty much how people experience me, as I just disappear randomly for extended stretches and then pop back up like nothing happened Literally every single fucking person in the orbit of my life. That is their experience of me. I just randomly disappeared, shit happens, but our lives have changed tremendously in the intervening years. We should probably let our people know how our lives have changed over the last couple of years. So the last time we gave people a real update on our lives and how it was going, you were planning a wedding that had been postponed because of COVID. Yeah, uh.

Gibbs:

No, I didn't get married by the way if you all were wondering I don't know, probably someday.

Shah:

I don't know, probably someday, maybe, maybe when we're finished with this podcast the podcast is Called I need a date for the wedding, as long as you never get married.

Gibbs:

You know, you don't have to change the name or maybe, maybe I'll get married and then maybe you'll plan your wedding.

Shah:

Why are you laughing so hard? I?

Gibbs:

Don't know. my family keeps asking me. I'm like I don't know, are you guys gonna play in it?

Shah:

I wanted my dad to, but then he got a job and he's like busy, whatever so the last time we Got a bit of an update on your life, you and your partner were living with the in-laws.

Gibbs:

Yeah, we're not anymore.

Shah:

Could you please let the people at home know how long y'all are living with the in-laws?

Gibbs:

I really it kind of felt like centuries, but It may have only been a year, Oh it was longer, It's about a year and a half.

Shah:

Oh yeah, and I know that because I Used to give other people updates on y'all Oh.

Gibbs:

And also cuz cuz.

Shah:

You had shit in my storage unit like your life was like a fucking TV show to My co-workers in like random fucking people, because I used to tell people, oh, i have a friend Who's been living with her in-laws for like a year and a half, and everyone made the same fucking face whenever I said that the same face you just made, the same face you just made gyms and the same face y'all are probably making at home here. And that That's the face everyone made when I said, yeah, my friend was living with her in-laws for about a year and a half, so what else has changed? Got a new cat? Yeah, you did, you think it a new cat.

Gibbs:

Yeah, name named her after my dad. Yeah, he hates it. He hates it, still uses a Catholic girl taught me about it. I.

Shah:

So you moved. That's cool, and this move of yours came with a new job.

Gibbs:

I mean, it didn't come with a new job, but I also got a new job.

Shah:

I've even liked it.

Gibbs:

Uh pretty chill. It's research stuff, so that's fun. It's data, so it's fun.

Shah:

I was worried because your fields of interest is so specialized. Oh yeah, bud. Oh, yeah, bud you have to look for jobs across the country, so I thought this new job would take you out of this state.

Gibbs:

I would leave the country, no problem, and go back to where I did my field work in Southeast Asia, but I will not go to the West Coast.

Shah:

Wait why?

Gibbs:

The vibes out there.

Shah:

That's no. I feel like I need to be out on the West Coast.

Gibbs:

Let's move to Seattle.

Shah:

I feel like that's a good compromise for the both of us.

Gibbs:

I don't think so. I don't think so. I think my seasonal depression is bad enough, like I don't need to rain all the time.

Shah:

So I'm glad that your new job did not take you out of state, because I didn't want to have to move and leave the state either.

Gibbs:

You're not coming with me? Yes, i am Yes.

Shah:

I am.

Gibbs:

If you were like a foot shorter, I'd be like, yeah, come and live with us, but you're too tall.

Shah:

No, wherever y'all move, I'm moving too.

Gibbs:

You're not Yes.

Shah:

I am, i don't want you.

Gibbs:

I don't want you.

Shah:

Yes, yes, i am. I'm upset because there's a house literally right next door to me that is going up for sale.

Gibbs:

I would rather another semi hit me than fucking live anywhere close to you again.

Shah:

Oh wait a minute. This is significant. You guys bought a fucking house.

Gibbs:

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Shah:

You're not just in a new place, it's your place.

Gibbs:

Yeah, it's in the country and we're country people now From the outside in.

Shah:

One could make the argument that it feels like you guys were so desperate to get out of living with the in-laws that you just jumped on the first opportunity that was available.

Gibbs:

That could lead to second. First house was bad. This house, the land is good, the house is fine. It just needs a lot more work than we had ever anticipated, because neither of us know anything about houses.

Shah:

That's why y'all should be moving and be our next door neighbors.

Gibbs:

I don't want to live by you.

Shah:

It would be so much fun, i'll just show up randomly at your house. You won't even know I'm there.

Gibbs:

I'd literally rather move in with my family than live anywhere close to you again. Move into a house with my family.

Shah:

I would end up having a key to your. I'm pretty sure I could get a key from your fiance if we were next door neighbors. No, I know.

Gibbs:

I know you absolutely could Pause. Pause for a second, hold on. I need to stand because I've gotten so used to standing, so I'm up here. I'm up here now.

Shah:

It's funny. It took a while for me to realize that you were standing because the difference in your height was not significant enough.

Gibbs:

It's the angle, you bastard. So you, you please tell me now what has happened for you, for you, these past two years Now, please.

Shah:

Well, I'm living in a city now for the first time in my life. That's interesting.

Gibbs:

A big city compared to where we were before and compared to where else you've lived.

Shah:

Yeah, Yeah, it's. It's substantially larger than anywhere else I've ever lived. I just want to give it a shot, man. Part of the reason why I moved to the city was to have access to more platforms to perform and to showcase what I do and to meet other creative individuals, and that's worked for me. So I'm probably going to end up moving back to a small town at some point, but living in a city right now is it's worked out for me? It's. It's been a it's been a time getting here. Since the last time I gave the listeners an update of my life about two years ago, i think I've lived. This is my third place that I've lived, because Yeah, I was going to say three or four.

Shah:

Our listeners don't know this, gibbs, you probably won't even remember this until I say it Out loud. For, like the last half of season one, which you know, i say that like me to season one was like 50,000 episodes.

Shah:

It wasn't, yeah, but for the last couple of episodes of season one I was living in a hotel and then I found a new place. But this place didn't work out because the guy I was living with was a fucking weirdo. Yeah, i knew he was going to be a weirdo when I walked into the apartment for the first time and he literally had hundreds of Bibles all over the place.

Gibbs:

I feel like that's a pretty easy way. Yes, like this.

Shah:

I was like this guy is going to be fucking weird. But I was like man, it's super cheap And it was literally. It was literally one street away from where I work. All right, How weird can he be? Sure, let's roll the dice. How weird.

Gibbs:

Can he be in this desperate, these desperate talks?

Shah:

Yeah, oh, i found out. you actually never visited me there, because No?

Gibbs:

I wasn't allowed Yeah.

Shah:

Yeah, yeah, i told. I was like yeah, i have this person I do creative work with. She's a girl. I could see from this whole vibe that this whole thing was like wait, you're going to have a woman in your room with you. He's got twitchy and suspicious And I'm like you know what?

Gibbs:

It's like no, no pass, No pass, No no.

Shah:

Here's the thing He used to sniff around my door.

Gibbs:

Love that. I love that for you.

Shah:

He's to sniff around my door, so I'm sure he would have been listening in on us as we were like recording. Now here's the other really weird thing. So he's always keep his door open, because every time I opened up the door to walk into the house, he would yell out is that you? And I'm like yeah, yeah bud. It did not matter. It got to the point where I used to get anxiety. God, i'm so weird man. One morning I wake up and I'm like. I hear something.

Shah:

I hear like I hear this weird fucking noise down the hall. This motherfucker is watching porn and beating off with his door open. I was like I gotta go, gotta go. I lived there for two months and I moved out.

Gibbs:

It felt so much longer Like yes, it did same here.

Shah:

It's felt like years, but eventually I found a place. It was maybe like half a mile away from where I worked, perfect. I go and I visit the place. I'm like, oh, this is a very nice, it was an extremely nice area, very, very, very nice neighborhood. I go to the place. The place looks amazing. It's a townhouse at a reasonable price, a room in this townhouse for the route at a reasonable price. And The the landlord. He tells me yeah, you know you're gonna be, um, it's three stories, but you'll be the only person there. Occasionally I rent out the first floor through Airbnb, but the people who live there now they're moving out and I don't have anybody else lined up, so you'll be the only person there. Cool. So I say, yeah, sure, look, fuck it, let's go for it. First day there realize This motherfucker lied to me.

Gibbs:

Yeah, bud Yeah bud.

Shah:

There were three other people living there and And none of them were under the impression that they were not gonna be there long term. They're like yeah, no, we, we went here like long term. Oh, so it's got lied to me. Okay, i've already moved it, move my shit in and agreed to it, all that stuff, couple issues. So, on the third floor right next to me was this She's not even old, but older woman. She was like mid 50s.

Shah:

She, um, probably needed assistance, probably should not have been living on her own, but she was, and I guess she expected the rest of us to kind of pitch in and help her. Honestly, why, yeah, and I don't know if y'all have been able to tell at this point if I can 10, 11 episodes in, but I'm not particularly empathetic as a human being.

Gibbs:

No, it's not one of your. It's not one of your gifts.

Shah:

Yeah. So for me, i'm like I'm gonna fuck about this woman. I don't fucking know her, i'm not related to her, no, i'm not gonna be your, your help. How about you hire some help or you go live with your fucking family? So There was one day when the gang is one the third floor, i walk out my room, and This is one day. I walk out my room because I got to get to work and I go to the stairs and she's like She's collapsed like halfway up the stairs with like bags of groceries like around her. I see her and I'm like Fuck yeah. I just say, oh, hey, how's it going? And she just looks so relieved because she thought, oh, he's here, he's gonna help me.

Gibbs:

Jokes and she.

Shah:

I'm standing over her like looking down, and she reaches her hand up to me, thinking I'm about to help her up. Then she looked at my face and saw I had no Yeah, he's other robotic. So so she raised her hand up towards me, then looked at me, realized that this is not gonna be that, and then Slid her hand over to the banister that was right next to her.

Gibbs:

I was like there you go.

Shah:

That's what you should have done to fucking begin with. See you later. I gotta get to work. Fucking know you, i did not sign up for this.

Gibbs:

Fuck you even if I fucking did that to you would have done the same thing. It's not because you're a weird touch of her.

Shah:

That's just the principle of the thing but it's also not.

Gibbs:

It's also you. Yeah, you should have like held your hand out like you were expecting month.

Shah:

She did that regularly. I would come home and Ambulance would be outside. They like either they were either wheeling her off or wheeling her in. I Just want to get to my room. I'd rather not have to deal in any of this bullshit.

Gibbs:

Yeah, we sound like very unambathetic people on this podcast, i feel, but also I feel like I feel like we're not unambathetic Entirely always. No, no, you were more concerned about me when I got in my accident than literally anybody else.

Shah:

Yeah, we just are not indiscriminate with our feelings.

Gibbs:

You should. You should have gotten some crutches. Yeah, now you help me. Yeah, you all, you all broad.

Shah:

I don't think people say that anymore. We are lucky that we're so likable and funny, because we say some fucked up.

Gibbs:

Did you say we are you.

Shah:

The old woman was one issue, but the, the real issue that caused me to moved out was our landlord moved a couple into the first floor of the building. When I met The the boyfriend or their husband or whatever the fuck, within seconds of meeting him, i just looked him up and down, size them up and I was like you sell drugs, and sure enough He's sold drugs.

Gibbs:

You love your drugs, you know I.

Shah:

Was a manager in a pharmacy at that time, so I was like this is a bad idea if and when the cops kicked the door down in this place and I just so happened to be home.

Gibbs:

Oh, yeah, you're getting shot. Yeah, there's that. Yeah, no, you're going down.

Shah:

They were to ask and I say, hey, yeah, i'm actually. I wasn't involved in any of this, but I do work in a pharmacy.

Gibbs:

Yeah.

Shah:

Yeah, yeah, no, that just wouldn't work, you know. So, yeah, I gotta go, man, This story is not going to end well one way or the other, so I gotta go. But as I was looking for places in that area to rent, it was amazing how, just in the span of two, three years, i had just gotten priced out of the fucking market in our area that we lived.

Gibbs:

Yeah, it got way like, like it was always. It was always kind of bougie, but it just it got to a point where we got priced out too.

Shah:

And it just exploded. It felt like it had fucking doubled the rent in the area. That really limited the amount of places I could apply to, and so I ended up having to like look on sort of sketchier places and look on Craigslist. The thing that made me stop looking in that area and made me think it was time to sort of look to living in a city was I saw this one listing that had been up for a couple of months in our area, our super nice area, and it was extremely affordable, suspiciously affordable, to have been up for so long. What's?

Gibbs:

that about.

Shah:

It was $5.50 a month. Oh Yeah, $5.50 a month in our area that we lived in. That's good anywhere in the fucking nation, but especially in the area we lived in. And for that listing to have been up for about two or three months, i'd know this is going to be some bullshit, but I have to do my due diligence. You don't. Yes, i do You don't, because I had to move. I had to move, man, and it was again down the street from where I worked. So I reached out to them. They responded and turns out they were swingers who were looking for a live in third. I was going to guess that you could have done that You're weird and desperate Give me a second.

Shah:

I'm going to see if I can. Actually, if I still have that email, all right, actually I found it. So this is after we had gotten the introductory emails out of the way hey, i'm so-and-so. I saw this listing My email is super professional. I say, hey, i am a manager at this local pharmacy. I went to this really prestigious school that's in the area. I'm trying to make myself seem like a legitimate human being in this world.

Gibbs:

Yeah Yeah, i'm not just like a fucking weird underground troll, is that?

Shah:

how you see me, yeah, fair.

Gibbs:

I don't, yeah, I don't see an argument there.

Shah:

So paying this thorough picture of myself is basically someone you can trust to pay their fucking rent on time.

Gibbs:

You got a bone, though, can you bone?

Shah:

Well, that's more or less what they asked in response. Their response in their email was what's your sexual orientation? And I gave my response. Their response to me was we're looking for someone who wouldn't mind joining our extracurricular activities sometimes Not all the time, just sometimes. Plus the rent is cheap. Are you open minded. Here's my issue here, and this is the reason why that listing stayed up for so long. Right, they did not understand what they were asking. You're asking people to fuck you and pay rent.

Gibbs:

Some of the time, because they only want you some of the time, not all of the time. God.

Shah:

They think that's a good compromise. No no, no no, no, it's not how this shit works, man, so you got to ask for one or the other. Either you're fucking these people or they're paying you rent. You're not getting both, that's not.

Gibbs:

Well, that's why it's discounted and not free, though, is because it's only some of the time. Do you not understand how things are subsidized? I am down with this business model. I was not. Yeah, clearly because you're not living there yet.

Shah:

After that I was like fuck it, man, Let me see what the city is about, And so that is how I ended up in this city. That is one down on our lives over the last two years. I feel like we said a lot and also didn't tell people anything.

Gibbs:

Yeah, that's how it is though. We say, we say thing, we say words, but do those words mean anything? No, probably not.

Shah:

And we we set out at the start of this episode to be like you know what? let's, let's give people a real update on our lives, What's happened. And they're like, yeah, no, just keep you guessing.

Gibbs:

I've been looking at a screen all day. I just can't, although I am playing solitaire right now. Let's just send it now. Let's just send it now, goodbye. So this is the point where we tell our listeners to fuck off but not until after we plug our website. We don't have a website but we do have social media. Follow me?

Shah:

at definitely not, gibbs and I'm Sean and the poet.

Gibbs:

So that's the end of the show.

Shah:

Now go fuck off.