I Need a Date for the Wedding

S2E6 | How Often Do You Shower?

• Gibbs & Shah • Season 2 • Episode 6

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Ever wondered what the link between earwax and body odor is?  Yeah, neither did I.

The lads are back with an episode about hygiene! This one was most definitely a Gibbs suggestion and Shah most definitely regrets agreeing to it. Anywho, join them as they march boldly into the world of body maintenance and explore everything from haircare to licking eyeballs. Spoiler alert: Shah thinks Gibbs is gross and Gibbs thinks Shah is a prude. Who is right in this situation? You decide!

Between all the bizarre talk about hand washing, skincare, and deodorant, they actually manage to squeeze in a few interesting facts about the body that make this episode... somewhat redeemable. Somewhat.

Gibbs:

We need a new intro.

Shah:

Welcome anyone and everyone listening out there. I'm Shah. I'm Gibbs. She's trying to grow up. He's really not, and this is I need a date for the wedding.

Gibbs:

Who's going to catch the bouquet? Who's?

Shah:

going to catch the STI.

Gibbs:

You didn't ask, but you'll find out all that and more. Don't be shy.

Shah:

Because we're really not. You probably shouldn't be listening to this at work. Hey, what's your? What's your mailing address?

Gibbs:

Stop asking me this. I will not answer.

Shah:

I'm just hoping to catch you off guard one day.

Gibbs:

Very rarely am I not on guard when I talk to you. I think for good reason. I don't trust you. I was like I was just talking yesterday to my best friend and I was like I don't trust a lot of people. I said is a close friend of mine, do not fuck it Trust him at all. Don't fucking trust that man. That's fair, that's fair I'll take that she's like why are you friends? I say I don't know, funny.

Shah:

I don't trust me either. I am very careless and very reckless.

Gibbs:

I think also selfish too, Like if something was to go down, you would absolutely leave me. Probably no yeah, absolutely, there's no problem. You absolutely. I mean to be fair, I would also absolutely leave your ass, which I don't feel like it's the same thing, because you could easily drag me out of a situation. There's no way I'm dragging your big ass out anywhere.

Shah:

I've actually thought about this man, my instinct for self preservation I can only see myself putting to the side for probably a little sister. I can see myself putting that to the side for my little sister and like saving her as opposed to me.

Gibbs:

What about your fucking mom?

Shah:

What? Well, here's the thing. Think about it from her perspective. She's already lived her life. She's a little fucking like you're an absolute monster. She's already got married, she's had kids, she's had her career. I have so much life ahead of me. Well, I think that's enough introductory chit chat. Hey friends, it's us again, gibbs and Shaw, and we're back for season two, episode six, that sounds right.

Shah:

Yeah, I need a date for the wedding. So Gibbs had an idea for the topic of today's show and she has been excited about this since we started season two, and it's finally. It's finally time. It's finally here.

Gibbs:

Whoa Well, oh, that's going to be so. Yes it will, yes it will. I should have moved back, or something.

Shah:

Probably, but we're here now.

Gibbs:

So sorry, so sorry, my, my enthusiasm got the best of me.

Shah:

But you can tell she is legitimately excited about today. So, gibbs, please let the people know what it will be hearing us discuss today.

Gibbs:

OK, let's. Let's talk about hygiene. Let's talk about bodies. Let's talk about the stuff our bodies produce and how we deal with that.

Shah:

Yeah, that was a lot that you just said and I can't, I can't even. It's got a creepily uncomfortable with every state that you made. I can't even feign excitement now, for whatever reason. I agreed to do a three episode arc on this. So if you, if you, like this, oh, you're in luck, because there is a lot more where this episode came from and, of course, we would be remiss if we did not thank Olivia Kay in the Parkers for our theme music.

Gibbs:

Yeah, yeah.

Shah:

Thank you and I apologize. Thanks. All right, Gibbs, where are we starting? Take it away.

Gibbs:

OK, so I wasn't sure, like I had a list going down the body, like from the head to feet, but then I also considered going from least gross to most gross.

Shah:

In fact you made variations, made multiple lists and stuff. Man, I'm just like are you just going to make it like I do? I just go bullshit your way through it, make it up and you go along with. The fuck is wrong with me. Fuck you, thank you. All right, just just talk, say stuff, figure it out. As you talk like midsittance, realize what you are about to say when you're halfway through saying it.

Gibbs:

Okay, so we started at the head. We started at the top of the head. Let's talk about hair and hair washing, because we have very different hair.

Shah:

We do. We do have very different hair. If you cannot tell from any of the artwork that is associated with our show, I have dreadlocks. I am at the stage where I just let them do what they do. I don't wash them very often. It's a very delicate balance where you have to keep them clean but you can't fully thoroughly wash them very often. Pro tip if you have dreadlocks, because the hair is so tightly coiled and it's all matted together, it's hard to get out all the dust and all the grime and stuff that gets caught in that hair over time. So when you are in need of a super deep cleanse, just mix up some baking soda and warm water and apple cider vinegar in your kitchen sink and just soak your hair. It does not take that long at all. You will be amazed and then immediately disgusted with how much gets trapped in your hair. How about you? How often do you wash your hair?

Gibbs:

Maybe once or twice a week. I don't wash my hair very often because it's a lot of work. I wash my scalp and that's about it, and then gravity takes care of the rest and cleans the rest of my hair, because that's how science works. Don't shake your head at me. This is science.

Shah:

Gibbs is supposedly a scientist.

Gibbs:

I got degrees baby.

Shah:

Growing up, I used to look up to scientists so much. Whenever someone was like oh, a scientist said this, a scientist conducted this experiment. You're like oh man, these are like super professional people who really know their shit. Man, they would never leave us astray. Then I meet you.

Gibbs:

I'm managing my resources and I'm really being sustainable about things.

Shah:

It sounds to me that you spent a lifetime preparing this defense.

Gibbs:

Because people give me shit all the time.

Shah:

One thing, one hair thing that I'm really excited about is that I got my first few gray hairs the other day. Well, not the other day, I've had them for maybe like a year.

Gibbs:

Was it after your 30s then that you got them?

Shah:

Yeah, it was the year I turned. 30 was the year I found my first gray hair. Now I have several. I just want my hair to turn gray before I lose it.

Gibbs:

This is just another area that I excel, because I am chock-a-block full of grays.

Shah:

I just feel like the salt and pepper look would really work well for my aesthetic. If you, dear listeners, are wondering what my aesthetic is, I would say pervy professor art history professor, who is probably fucking a student.

Gibbs:

Yeah, so same same, we're on the same page, Cool cool.

Shah:

Go ahead, ask your fucking.

Gibbs:

Oh, I was relating before it, okay, okay, so we're going to move on to eyes now, because there's not much forehead stuff, because you don't seem to want to talk about my pimples, but that's fine, whatever. So you have a licking eyeball.

Shah:

How do those words come to be in the same sentence?

Gibbs:

That's not even a thing. It's a reasonable question to ask, I think.

Shah:

It's actually not.

Gibbs:

It actually is.

Shah:

No, like, how do you do that?

Gibbs:

You could have just said that. You could have just said no, how?

Shah:

does that even come up in conversation? How does that come up in conversation? We're having a conversation and I don't know how that just came up.

Gibbs:

Sometimes I struggle for conversation topics. Sometimes they just come into my head and that's what I ask.

Shah:

No, I've never done what you just asked me Okay.

Gibbs:

have you ever had your eyeball licked before? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You didn't even like wait for me to finish the question before you answered it.

Shah:

But I felt in my spirit where this was going and it did not sit well with my spirit.

Gibbs:

Okay, do you want to know how it feels and also how it tastes?

Shah:

Do I want to know? No, am I about to find?

Gibbs:

out Probably. It tastes kind of salty, you know like how tears kind of taste, salty Kind of tastes like that and it feels weird. I don't know how else to describe it. I guess it's squishy.

Shah:

I feel like over time we just get used to each other. Every now and then we do things to remind one another that, oh yeah, this person is actually a lunatic.

Gibbs:

I don't think that makes someone a lunatic.

Shah:

This is one of those moments for me where I was like oh yeah, yeah, Gibbs is insane.

Gibbs:

I don't think this is necessarily a normal thing to do. No, I am willing to admit that I will concede to that point.

Shah:

I really don't know why I agreed to this topic.

Gibbs:

I also do not know it was a really wild thing for you to do. You very, you very rarely let me have my things, and this is a thing that I feel like you're really regretting.

Shah:

To let me have this is why this is why I'm actually having an on air existential crisis right now. What twists of fate did I take in life that led to me having someone ask me the question have I ever had my eyeballs like?

Gibbs:

I think it's because you've been a really terrible person.

Shah:

I feel like that that was a really thorough cover of of I stuff. What's next on the list?

Gibbs:

Do you want to go to ears or to nose?

Shah:

I think which one is safe.

Gibbs:

Good luck, buddy.

Shah:

No ears. I feel like that'll probably be safer.

Gibbs:

That's a wild choice. Okay, do you have sticky earwax or dry earwax?

Shah:

I don't know.

Gibbs:

Would you allow me to put my finger in your ear the next time I saw you?

Shah:

I would not and I know this is where I know you're trolling now, because you would never actually try to touch me in real life- the type of earwax that you have can also correlate to whether or not you have body odor.

Gibbs:

Typically, people with sticky earwax have more body odor than people with dry earwax. Do you clean your ears? I?

Shah:

do clean my ears. Whenever I shower, I clean my ears.

Gibbs:

Oh yeah, wild, I don't think I've ever done that. I have this grooming kit and it has a hook and I'm not exactly sure what it's for, but I use it to scoop things out my ear. I don't know why you didn't drink more for this. I really see you struggling over there.

Shah:

Yeah, man, this is a lot.

Gibbs:

You're really struggling. This is really amazing for me personally, and I'm loving every second of it.

Shah:

We're gonna fucking finish this episode tonight. We will never, ever again in life, ever, talk about any of this shit again. Oh, what else? What else you got for Erestop? What else you got? It's really me saying I hope that was it.

Gibbs:

You know, I don't know how to read social cues very well.

Shah:

As a rule, I don't get drunk on air. I don't perform under the influence.

Gibbs:

But you'll make an exception. My thing is that I'm always drunk, except for this episode, because I really want to remember how much sham hates this.

Shah:

I promise you, I do, I swear to God.

Gibbs:

Like you know how gross I am as a human, I don't feel like you really grasped the magnitude of it until today. Okay, okay I figured conceptually.

Shah:

I was like maybe she has some weird things going on. I did not know it would be this. I think that about covers ear stuff, I will say I gambled on that being a safe topic and I lost.

Gibbs:

That's why I said that's a wild choice for you to have made, okay, so let's go to nose now.

Shah:

What is your?

Gibbs:

general mucus kind of situation, like in the nose.

Shah:

I don't really have allergies or anything like that. I don't get sick often Great chill over here.

Gibbs:

I always blow my nose kind of as a routine every morning. It's just kind of part of what I do and I always look at it. That's a thing that I have to do, and I think it's probably just because they smoke, because sometimes it's black, are you okay?

Shah:

Your autopsy one day is going to be fascinating. Like I know, I'm not going to outlive you long enough to read your autopsy, but it would be fascinating to read it.

Gibbs:

I guess I don't really have anything that bad about nose, though, so then let's talk about oral hygiene. I guess I don't really have anything that gross for this one.

Shah:

You want to know why that's because the mouth is gross enough, as it is Everyone's mouth.

Gibbs:

Do you have an analogue toothbrush or like a digital toothbrush? Is it like an electric?

Shah:

It is not An old-fashioned gentleman.

Gibbs:

See, I'm very susceptible to marketing, so I'm not going to mention the brand, because they're not sponsoring us, even though I know they sponsor a whole shit ton of blood gifts. That's the toothbrush I use. Do you always buy the same brand?

Shah:

Absolutely Same brand for years. I am brand loyalist Same same same. And those brands will be mentioned on there either, because they're also not paying us at the moment. And just so y'all know, even though I am a brand loyalist in my real everyday life, if a different brand wanted to pay us to advertise their products, I will gladly lie to you and say that I use it religiously, if any of you-.

Gibbs:

My morals are on his loose.

Shah:

But yeah, if any brands want to sponsor us, I am perfectly fine with pretending that I use your product and sell it to the masses.

Gibbs:

Do you ever use like Chapstick?

Shah:

Generally no, I prefer to just seductively lick my lips.

Gibbs:

I hate that. I guess we're both suffering equally during this episode is what I'm saying.

Shah:

No, I have not equally. No, but I have my moments. So that's mouth stuff, lip stuff. What else you got, gibbs? Take it away.

Gibbs:

Okay, let's just do general face care stuff, because I'm wondering about your skincare routine.

Shah:

Ooh. So I have recently, recently really dived into the world of skincare and all that. I have my preferred face wash and then, after the face wash, I have my facial toner and then I usually use Vaseline or lotion for my face.

Gibbs:

Okay, so you're a human being that grows hair on their face? Indeed, I am. What do you do about it?

Shah:

Man, my facial hair doesn't grow as a full connected beard, that's right, so I keep it as just tasteful stubble.

Gibbs:

Let me talk about my partial mustache.

Shah:

Talk about it, let's go Okay.

Gibbs:

Because it only grows on one side of my face, which is really unfortunate. I don't know which side because I don't know my left from right, but it's the side. It's just, it's a small little, maybe like one inch patch, just on the side of my fucking face.

Shah:

Many times in my past I've run into women who are self-conscious about having facial hair, but I grew up around women. I've always been aware of that being a thing, that occasionally women can get a little fuzzy.

Gibbs:

Yeah, I mean, I do feel like there are these obviously like standards of beauty and stuff. I subscribe to them pretty often so I recognize, you know, if I have something about me that I want to change and I'm like, oh, why? Oh, it's because of, you know, culture. I'm not particularly fussed by facial hair on myself or other people. Really, I don't like it that it's in one place. I've also recently developed chin hair, which is which bothers me so much more than my mustache does.

Shah:

Facial hair on men is wildly unattractive to me. Well, one of the main reasons why I could never see myself dating a man making out with someone who has facial hair is wildly uncomfortable. So the idea of dating a man that's a non-starter for me. I would not be my type.

Gibbs:

Not wide enough.

Shah:

That is, that this is like the fourth, the third or fourth episode in a fucking row. You have made these vicious lies and scandalous rumors.

Gibbs:

I'm a truth teller, so let's talk about the belly button. Um, you ever get up in that bitch? No, like, I was just looking at my belly button yesterday because my friend was over and there was like a lot of stuff in there. Like some of it was black and I don't know what that's from. It doesn't usually smell, which I think is good, but I was just wondering about yours.

Shah:

I think you should make sure that your body is donated to science, because I'm quite certain none of these things are normal.

Gibbs:

I think they're all normal. I think you're, I think you're a body prude and you just don't want to look at what's in your ears, what's in your belly button, what's in your nose.

Shah:

No, I don't. You're correct in that statement, I don't.

Gibbs:

Um, please tell me, is it in any ornality? I guess it isn't any. Okay, do you know how deep it is? No, I've never had occasion to check. Well, you knew we were doing this episode.

Shah:

And still I didn't have occasion to check. That was not a good enough reason for me to explore that aspect.

Gibbs:

I don't know why you will agree to this you know this. This makes you uncomfortable, but you know I absolutely thrive on one, talking about discussing things, and two, your discomfort. Okay, so I first want to ask you about your hand washing routine for the bathroom and if you do it, or if there are conditions under which you do and do not.

Shah:

After I've used the bathroom, I always wash my hands every single time.

Gibbs:

Like with soap, for 20 seconds.

Shah:

So warm water and hand sanitizer afterwards.

Gibbs:

That's untenable.

Shah:

So how about you? How often do you wash your?

Gibbs:

hands Okay. So I've recently started washing my hands after I do a poo. I do wash my hands in a public restroom, no matter what. At my house, I do not wash my hands after IP. That's a fun fact for you to know about me, because you've been to my house many times. You've been in my residence many times.

Shah:

Here's a question for you how often do you take off your engagement ring?

Gibbs:

Um, I don't really anymore. Sometimes I do because like it's an anxious thing and I fiddle with it but I'm really afraid of like losing it or something. But sometimes, um, I take it off, like if I'm mixing like ground beef or like some type of ground meat, uh, and also I take it off now when I, when I make bread for a while, uh, I would find just food, just food in my ring. No, I would like to return to this bathroom thing. I don't, I don't know, I don't know if this should go in the podcast, but when you go to Pied or your note, you just take your penis out, right Cause I was like, do you take your balls out too?

Shah:

I don't. I have not observed other people in their technique. Maybe I've been doing it wrong my whole life.

Gibbs:

Do you moisturize your hands? Uh, yes, yes, yes.

Shah:

I want to have soft, delicate hands, but I feel like I've. I use my hands in my daily life and working too much. They're not rough, they're not callus, but they're not as sort of dainty and gentle and soft as I would like.

Gibbs:

Sometimes I get callus.

Shah:

Yeah, cause you do a lot of physical stuff with your hands, a lot more so than I do. A lot of your hobbies are physical.

Gibbs:

Yeah.

Shah:

And I could never.

Gibbs:

Yeah, I was just putting flooring down in the kitchen.

Shah:

Nope, nope, I will never.

Gibbs:

It's cause you're a fucking pansy ass, proudly Fucking bitch. Let's talk about your pits.

Shah:

Uh, in a non-sexual way, cause apparently we have to qualify that.

Gibbs:

Can you make those fun armpit fart noises.

Shah:

Not. I have never, I've never.

Gibbs:

Yeah, that doesn't seem like a thing that you would try to do.

Shah:

No, it, it, no. I've never been inclined to do that.

Gibbs:

I have absolutely tried it. I cannot. So there's that.

Shah:

Do you use deodorant?

Gibbs:

No, why would I waste my money on that?

Shah:

That's one of those things that is becoming more and more invoked among millennials and zoomers. Is them turning away from using products like deodorant I myself have to use is I am, you're a smell boy. Yes, I am obsessed with the way I smell. So, but if it weren't for that, I'm like, yeah, these products will probably be fucking horrible for me.

Gibbs:

Would you tell me if I smelled? Bad? Yeah, yeah.

Shah:

I wouldn't say it that way. I would word it very tactfully, but I would bring it up, yeah.

Gibbs:

Because we've been in some very close quarters. Yeah, I had like a thing from an article. It's about customer personal values of hygiene product consumption and what I was interested in just mentioning was that millennials tend to have a greater appreciation and social acceptance of body odor and smell. I thought that was interesting.

Shah:

Let's see what fragrances do you usually gravitate towards?

Gibbs:

So I have a perfume. I don't know what it is, but it's the only scent I've used in the past like 20 years. But in terms of what I put on my body, I'm very conscious of what other people would also not be averse to smelling on me. I'm more partial to things that are sweet and fruity.

Shah:

So you have that one fragrance you've been using. You said for about 20 years Yep, Over here I have one, two, three, three, four. That I can see. I have 34 fragrances in my room.

Gibbs:

That's pretty.

Shah:

That's just a fragrance. That's not counting the lotions, body butter, the Vaseline, the beard cream, which is also scented, the soaps. I am aware that it is something that I should probably be speaking to my therapist about.

Gibbs:

Do you have a therapist? Because it doesn't seem like you do, just saying, from all of your issues and problems and shortcomings, like I act, like I care, like what people smell on me, even though most of the time they probably just fucking smell cigarette smoke.

Shah:

Beyond cigarette smoke and occasionally shampoo, occasionally shampoo, I've never noticed any really identifiable scent from you, ever.

Gibbs:

Okay, next time. Next time, get it with my armpits. No, I don't think that's gonna happen. No, but what if you did?

Shah:

Thank you for offering, Okay, Well thank you for offering, but I don't think that's gonna happen.

Gibbs:

I just feel like you should, because I feel like this could be the next step in our friendship.

Shah:

It is a potential step, but not what I don't think is going to happen.

Gibbs:

I feel like this is the next inevitable step in our friendship.

Shah:

No, it's very inevitable. It is, trust me, it is very inevitable.

Gibbs:

We'll say we'll say I'm gonna, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you oh.

Shah:

God, that is horrifying to think about. That's like the most horrifying thing I have heard in my 31 years on this planet. That is Amazing. That is the most unsettling and deeply terrifying thing I've ever heard in my life.

Gibbs:

Should we go for button button crotch?

Shah:

Let's go here the fun stuff. Let's go for the fun stuff here.

Gibbs:

So for, so for button crotch kind of groin or region. As much as I believe that gravity does a lot of work in the shower, I do.

Shah:

I really regret this. Why did I agree to this? Why did I do this? This is an unforced error.

Gibbs:

This was not thought through at all by you. Let me finish my butt in groin stuff. For fuck's sake.

Shah:

Continue.

Gibbs:

Okay, I do wash. I do wash those areas I'll talk about. I'll talk about my butt all day long, because there's a lot of stuff that comes out of there that I'm like really, really invested in telling people about. Please stop shaking your head, I can't.

Shah:

One thing I've noticed about myself in general just from this conversation so far is that You're a little pansy bitch. Proudly Do you wear underwear.

Gibbs:

Yeah.

Shah:

Undergarments.

Gibbs:

I like to call them underpants.

Shah:

God, I feel like, just anecdotally, people not wearing underwear is becoming more of a thing.

Gibbs:

What is this? The early 2000s or something?

Shah:

I do wear underwear. I didn't ask so yeah, I wear underwear, you wear underwear. That's awesome, we are underwear bros.

Gibbs:

What a wild sentence to say I have to pee.

Shah:

Go crazy.

Gibbs:

Okay, okay.

Shah:

You know, I have always wondered how you would return from the bathroom so quickly after you went to go pee.

Gibbs:

Yeah in my house. No hand washing baby. Let's talk foot stuff.

Shah:

Do you wear socks?

Gibbs:

I almost exclusively wear Doc Martens. So yes, I wear socks.

Shah:

I almost exclusively wear sparrows and I don't wear socks. I wore them growing up. I stopped wearing them when I started living around rich white people.

Gibbs:

I have six different pairs of black Doc Martens. I just got the new pair, like last week.

Shah:

Oh, I just got my new boat shoes. Maybe two or three weeks ago, I don't know, it was very urgent for me to buy them. But I don't go out and do anything.

Gibbs:

Mental illness will do that to you.

Shah:

I bought them.

Gibbs:

Yeah, but I know.

Shah:

They just sit here. Yeah, but I know I think it's time for the big finale, the big question Everyone's been waiting for how often do you shower?

Gibbs:

Okay, it depends on the season and where I'm at in my menstrual cycle. I guess Winter, maybe once a week On my period I will shower more, not daily, that's wild, but more In the summer, maybe two or three times a week. I shower every day of my life.

Shah:

That is unhinged.

Gibbs:

It is.

Shah:

I don't judge people who don't shower every day. I don't think it's more than likely not healthy for your skin to shower every day. I don't judge people who don't. I wish I didn't, but I compulsively do so because I am obsessed with the way I smell.

Gibbs:

I've not had my period in 50 days, so that's also fun.

Shah:

Again.

Gibbs:

Again, the doctor said to not come back unless it was over 90 days again.

Shah:

Don't come back. I've never heard those words, ever. The doctor said don't come back.

Gibbs:

Because sometimes my menstrual cycle is like 13 days and sometimes it's like 96.

Shah:

This episode is either going to be the greatest or worst thing we've ever done. There is no in between.

Gibbs:

Okay, so I would like to know just of your extra curricules in the shower. That was too broad. Please let me specify. Do you eat in the shower? Nope, do you drink in the shower?

Shah:

Nope, none of them. Nope. Don't listen to music, don't do any of that stuff In there. It's for a job.

Gibbs:

I like a nice shower beer. Yeah, I will also eat on the shower. I'll eat on the toilet too. I don't care, I'll drink on the toilet, whatever. My life revolves around the toilet, so I have noticed I have noticed that. Yeah, but it's really sometimes inconvenient.

Shah:

So this has been. This has been interesting. This has been so fun. We'll be back at some point in time in the future with the next episode which, just so you know, it's going to be on a very, very similar topic, because Read to a three episode arc about this. In the meantime, I have to go and actually take a shower. Goodbye everyone.

Gibbs:

Goodbye, see you. Yeah, it seemed really hard on you. Yeah, in a way that most episodes seem hard on me, this one's really hard on you. So this is the point where we tell our listeners to fuck off.

Shah:

But not until after we plug our website.

Gibbs:

We don't have a website.

Shah:

But we do have social media Follow me.

Gibbs:

at definitely not Gibbs.

Shah:

And I'm Sean and the poet.

Gibbs:

So that's the end of the show.

Shah:

Now go fuck off.