I Need a Date for the Wedding

S2E8 | F**k Flintstones Vitamins

• Gibbs & Shah • Season 2 • Episode 8

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New year, same them.  

So Gibbs decided to bring some of her real-life awkward icebreakers to the podcast. Hope you like that bit because she has A LOT more where it came from. In this episode, Shah confronts Gibbs about her smoking habit, after which Gibbs confronts Shah about his inability to walk across a room without tripping over his feet. How either of them lived this long is anyone's guess, but since they're here, they decide to have a talk about the physical wellness struggles that came with their unexpected longevity. 

Shah reveals that he's still bitter about being cut from his high school's basketball team. Gibbs reveals why she removed her fiancé as a beneficiary of her life insurance policy.

From a somewhat pretentious talk about working out, to an unexpectedly disgusting talk about vitamins, to a vaguely disturbing talk about death, the lads finally wrap up this three-episode arc about the body.

Gibbs:

We need a new intro.

Shah:

Welcome anyone and everyone listening out there. I'm Shaw, I'm Gibbs. She's trying to grow up, he's really not, and this is I need a date for the wedding.

Gibbs:

Who's gonna catch the bouquet?

Shah:

Who's gonna catch the STI?

Gibbs:

You didn't ask, but you'll find out all that and more. Don't be shy.

Shah:

Cause we're really not. You probably shouldn't be listening to this at work.

Gibbs:

I would like to propose a bit for the podcast, a segment.

Shah:

Uh huh.

Gibbs:

Okay, so you know I'm known for my classic ice breakers. I would like to bring those to the show.

Shah:

Yes, get started on making them.

Gibbs:

I got a list in my head. Do you want to do an ice breaker? If you want, yeah. If you had to choose one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

Shah:

Uh, the first word that came to mind was gifted.

Gibbs:

You're a fucking cut. Wait oh.

Shah:

That's the first word to come to mind.

Gibbs:

I hate you so much. Oh my God, you're fucking intolerable.

Shah:

How about you? What one word would you use to describe yourself?

Gibbs:

Whimsical. Nope, nope, yeah, maybe expand your vocabulary, nope.

Shah:

Cause I know you know what that word means, and I know, you know, that word has nothing to do with you.

Gibbs:

That is all me. I'm all whimsy.

Shah:

Some of the words I came up with were um brasive yeah.

Gibbs:

I don't think that's accurate.

Shah:

Drunk.

Gibbs:

No, I'm very rarely drunk, often tipsy, rarely drunk.

Shah:

Yeah, abrasive, tipsy and weird.

Gibbs:

I think I'm so painfully normal.

Shah:

That's because you don't listen to this show.

Gibbs:

Oh, can I give you one too Manipulative.

Shah:

Yes.

Gibbs:

I will accept that.

Shah:

I will accept that Most of the people in my life, most of the people who spend time around me, have described me as being manipulative.

Gibbs:

Yeah, cause it tracks.

Shah:

First time it happened I was like kind of taking a back.

Gibbs:

Why I'm not a lack of what a lack of self-awareness.

Shah:

As I thought about it, I was like I'm not manipulative, it's just. I know how people work and it's easy to put people in positions where they respond in the way that I want them to respond. I do not lie. I just present parts of the truth in very specific ways that I know will lead people to make conclusions that are advantageous to me.

Gibbs:

Or you'll change your subject.

Shah:

That too, and I was like, oh wait, that's, that's a new. Hey, everyone, it's Gibbs and Shaw, and I'm in a great fucking mood because this is season two, episode eight, I think of. I need a date for the way sounds right, and that means this is the last fucking episode we will spend talking about hygiene and such. Maybe, Nope, definitely this was not bad. So here we are, the first one was the first one was the best.

Gibbs:

I've created an agenda. Yeah, I'm an agenda bitch.

Shah:

But before we begin we have to thank Olivia K and the Parkers for our theme music emphasis on half to legally obligated Is an indeed so in this episode, in this closer to our discussion about hygiene and such. This is taking a broader perspective about physical wellness in general, Something that's very relevant to us as we both age past the point of no return. We're both past the point in which we probably thought we're going to be alive, and now our bodies like and it's not.

Gibbs:

It's nothing about mental wellness, because I'm sure you've just gotten a little snippets that throughout our episodes, then we don't need to really go into detail about that.

Shah:

Like I thought, I honestly thought I was going to be dead by 30. So you're the person with the agenda, I'm the person with the random topics in my head that just come and go randomly and together we're going to come up with a great episode.

Gibbs:

I'm just going to give you a rundown of kind of just like I just have broad categories overview, so I'll just I'll run down those with you right now.

Shah:

Let's start.

Gibbs:

I told you I'm going to give you a fucking rundown. Let me just fucking give you my rundown. God damn it.

Shah:

Let's start with the elephant in the room. You are a smoker.

Gibbs:

Now in the OK you got me.

Shah:

You can hear in the episodes that we have posted you flicking a light.

Gibbs:

Maybe I just like the flame baby.

Shah:

At least once an episode you light up a cigarette and at least once an episode you take a break to go pee. When did you start?

Gibbs:

smoking Probably like 15, 16.

Shah:

It's not bad. Well, it's bad, but not as bad as I thought you were going to. Let's just talk about this. So let's have an intervention here. Have you tried to stop smoking?

Gibbs:

A few times, but my heart's not really in it.

Shah:

How much do you spend on cigarettes?

Gibbs:

Oh my God, there's so many questions. I don't know. It's just like a thing like gas, like I just got to fucking pay for it, though, don't I? So I don't pay attention.

Shah:

No, I don't know if I you are aware of how much. I just don't think you want to answer that question on it OK, that's.

Gibbs:

that's also an interesting take.

Shah:

I think of the two of us. I would wager that my clumsiness is probably the source of most of my physical ailments, whereas your vices are the source of yours.

Gibbs:

No, I don't think so. I mean, I think you're right that your clumsiness is the source of, is the main source of yours 100 percent, because you just got like a lot body and not a lot of coordination.

Shah:

I've never needed it. What do you mean? You've never? Needed it for what I don't? I don't do it. They have a fucking athlete to not hurt yourself.

Gibbs:

I don't know what you mean.

Shah:

If I have an 80 to 85 percent chance of getting from one side of the room to another successfully, that's fine with me. You know I'll take those.

Gibbs:

I think it's been like 50 50 that like our, our weekly chats. You're in some type of long term. Um, do you go to the gym? Are we just skipping around? We're not even going to follow my agenda.

Shah:

Yes, you have to moderate my thoughts or else this is just.

Gibbs:

This is me moderating your thoughts, it's by asking condescending questions.

Shah:

I didn't even interpret that as condescending. Maybe it's because it's just the normal tone. Would you speak to me?

Gibbs:

It's just a question, all right, so you can add you Do you go to the gym? Yeah?

Shah:

thank you.

Gibbs:

Um, uh no who's got that time? Who's got the energy?

Shah:

Apparently everyone except us yeah.

Gibbs:

I know, like I by co-worker like runs, like has a gym subscription, what is it, whatever? And she runs. And then another co-worker is like training for a marathon and I'm like what the fuck? What is Gen Z doing? You know?

Shah:

I know it's that. Just it's us as well. All over social media, all over dating apps is just people in the gym. For me, I just don't care. I don't care about my flesh vessel enough to spend all that time, energy and energy and money in a gym, in a crowded public place with people around touching things.

Gibbs:

I used to go to the gym so I could watch Dr Phil.

Shah:

I don't look now anybody who does that. Whatever you need to do to make your outside match your inside cool, have at it. It's like what people say about the car that gets them from point A to point B. That's how I view.

Gibbs:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shah:

I View myself as being disconnected from my body. My body is just what I inhabit, so when I think about improving myself, it has nothing to do with me physically.

Gibbs:

It's about my knowledge, my skills, what hobbies I have like one of the studies that I was reading about, the Gallup health ways well-being index from 2016 Said that millennials engage in more physical activity and have the lowest obesity rate compared to older generations. But another article differences in health outcomes between Millennials and Gen X in the US from the National Health Interview Survey Says that Millennials are more likely to be obese. Yeah, they were going off of based off a BMI of 30 or greater, and BMIs are bullshit Okay. So how do you feel about walking or hiking?

Shah:

I walk every day, I spend.

Gibbs:

I spend the majority of my life on my feet, walking around but also, I think, what's very surprising to me that I Forget every time we hang out, is you're not a fast walker at all.

Shah:

For what? Wherever we're going, is not moving.

Gibbs:

Okay, I'm not even saying like. I'm saying I don't think I walk very fast, but I feel like I walk so much faster than you do.

Shah:

You walk like you just shoplifted something. You're trying to Casually speed walk out of the fucking store. That's how you walk. It's all like shifty and evasive and just that's just who I am, Is a person.

Gibbs:

You know this about me. Why would you bring it up like this?

Shah:

It's all surprising, because in my head I'm always like aren't you a fucking smoker? Why are you moving so fast? How are you?

Gibbs:

not out of breath, I know, because I feel like when, whenever we are initially walking somewhere, there's like an adjustment period, I'm like, where is he Heaven?

Shah:

stuff like biking, walking, jumping, rope stretching all that stuff is cool.

Gibbs:

Can you jump rope? All that stuff is it doesn't seem like a thing that you would do as an uncoordinated human.

Shah:

It's kind of fun. I Often miss time to jump yeah. I end up clipping my feet quite often, which is not a fun thing.

Gibbs:

If it's something that can be included in your everyday routine, I'm all for it and I'm not trying to like lose weight as a human, I'm trying to like keep my weight up. So my dad's like not great, but Everything makes me sick, so it just I.

Shah:

Dropped 50 pounds during quarantine. It's an impenetra. I picked up another 10 or 15, unlike the past year. In my depression I wasn't doing anything special, it's just. Quarantine was also when I quit the bar that we were working at, so I just stopped eating restaurant portioned food twice a day, like my natural weights around anywhere from 190 to 210. So I'm six three and it's I'm a kind of a gangly. Six three. 200 pounds on my frame is slightly On the thinner side.

Gibbs:

Yeah, cuz I have like no concept of weight on a taller person.

Shah:

My weight has fluctuated wildly over the course of my life. Man, I have you stayed pretty consistent throughout your life.

Gibbs:

So your weight um, maybe for the past, like five To eight years I have, I'm pretty much within five pounds.

Shah:

Are you happy with your weight now? Are you happy with your body now?

Gibbs:

I think it's fine, what am I gonna do about it?

Shah:

Yeah, personally, I am with my body.

Gibbs:

Are you commenting on my body?

Shah:

I'll say I'm. I said I'm happy regards to Completely indifferent as to your entire vessel. I rarely look at you directly.

Gibbs:

It was like what a wild comment for you to make.

Shah:

You know what? I'll say this right now. I'm gonna make this stand right here. I don't think it's a guy's place to comment on a woman's body and comment on a woman's.

Gibbs:

I will. Do you take vitamins and or supplements? Let's talk about that.

Shah:

No and no, nothing Maybe kid and I was doing those that I had to take those Flintstones vitamins which were fucking horrible.

Gibbs:

I loved those. Oh my god. They like tasted kind of like chalk, but gritty, and I was very into it. I'd fuck those up, isn't it all? Yeah?

Shah:

Flintstones wasn't even in great cartoon.

Gibbs:

No, because it was like a parents cartoon. Look, it wasn't even for us. So I feel like your body is like really begging for some things, some like supplements or vitamins or something, something maybe.

Shah:

I'll give it a shot. I feel like it fits the vibe, it fits the brand. You know the whole mature, sophisticated gentlemen. It sounds good for me to say oh yeah, I woke up this morning, I did some yoga and took some vitamins. I feel like that just fits the brand. So yeah, mike.

Gibbs:

Do you want to know what I take?

Shah:

Yeah, let's hear about it.

Gibbs:

So I'll start with the less gross first. So I take how did how?

Shah:

the fuck is this like? It's funny. How could you possibly make this gross? It's vitamins.

Gibbs:

I mean, I don't think it's gross, but I feel like you're very sensitive to what I don't think is gross, so I just want to like preface it with. You might find it gross, that's all thank you for the war, okay, the content.

Gibbs:

It's mostly for you, it's not for a listener. So I take vitamin D because I Low levels of vitamin D, like one time I was tested and they were at seven. I think there's. It's supposed to be in like it's supposed to be over a hundred. It should be between 30 to 100. It's also because they don't really go outside that much.

Shah:

The other day I found I noticed under my eyes there were a couple of these tiny little moles that weren't there the week or two before, and then, when I looked that up, they're like, yeah, this might be symptoms of you possibly getting skin cancer one day, because I do spend a good bit of time outside, because I do walk every. Is it not just like freckles? There's also that possibility.

Gibbs:

Okay.

Shah:

I don't look at my own face enough to know, as area in his Gibbs thinks I am. I don't spend that much time looking at myself.

Gibbs:

Well you're. That doesn't mean you're like, so the more vitamins and supplements what you got.

Shah:

Okay, the last one that I take.

Gibbs:

I take fiber supplements Because I talked to my doctor and I was like I Shit like five to eight times a day.

Shah:

There we go. That's how, that's how you made it gross. There we go. So she suggested I start taking fiber.

Gibbs:

So now I really only poo like three or four times a day. Have you ever taken a picture of your poo In the infinite multiverse? There is no.

Shah:

Version of me that has ever done that never you can't even like in any universe.

Gibbs:

No, no universe ever.

Shah:

is there a Me that has ever done that?

Gibbs:

I feel like in every universe of me I have done it, indeed as a safe bet to make it's like the defining quality In every universe.

Shah:

Check the camera roll.

Gibbs:

Yeah, I need to get my vaccines. I need to get, like, checked for diabetes.

Shah:

Yeah, I just need a general, I just I probably just need a physical the last time I got a physical was Before I tried out for my high schools basketball team, which you didn't make. Yeah, I Did not make the reason why I wanted to try out.

Shah:

It was part of this huge, complicated scheme of mine. I had a crush on the girl who was literally living right next door to me literally the girl next door and instead of just Talking to her because we, you live next door to each other yeah, we live next door wrote the same bus every day. Her mom loved me, but instead of just talking to her, I was like I'm going to join the basketball team, become a huge star on campus and then that will encourage her to talk to me. That did not work. Well, you're too tall. You're too tall for your desired position.

Gibbs:

Yeah, that fact is that I'm not a big fan of basketball.

Shah:

Yeah, that fact, man, fucking. Yeah, I'm gonna use this opportunity to rehash this topic, fucking 15 years later. All right, go for it, bud. I'm sick. I'm six foot three short, but in the context of actual basketball players, you're short, you're small but in high school.

Shah:

I'm the tallest guy around so they put me at center, even though I'm a small forward. I'm not a fucking center. I don't know what the fuck to do down there. I'm a wing player. They fucking put me as a fucking center. I'm not arm wrestling this motherfucker for a remount, no man. So they put me at the wrong position and I didn't make the team because of that.

Gibbs:

Get it, girl. I like that. This is 20 years later and he's still being funny.

Shah:

It's as heated man. I'm so fucking angry man.

Gibbs:

Yeah, you're little like me. You get to be a point guard. I was a fucking point guard. I have to pee again. How do you not pee at all ever? It's fine, I have to go. I'm not going to talk about this.

Shah:

So that was the last time I had a physical right was before I tried off for that team Because I was a fucking 16, 17 year old boy at the time boner always yes.

Shah:

New. So, like minutes before we left to go Get the physical, I was, master, meeting in my room. As part of the physical, you got a peanut cup. I did not realize I was gonna be a thing, but it was. And then they returned and we're like hey, yeah, there's an abnormal amount of protein in your urine. We're gonna have to do a more thorough examination, right? And the first part of this extended examination was they took out the stethoscope, I think it is and checked my heartbeat and they're like and your heart's beating really, really fast? Because of course I was like oh shit, they know, they know it's jizz. That turned into a whole fucking thing that I had to come back another time and have an even more in-depth exam.

Gibbs:

Every year I have the same New Year's resolution and it's to have better posture. It works out well for like like a month or something, but then I just feel like I'm kind of giving the wrong impression off. You know that I have confidence or something.

Shah:

Back pain has forced me to old man get a hip replacement, idiot back pain has forced me to improve my posture at Times and has forced me to slouch to avoid pain at times. So it's kind of you slouch.

Gibbs:

Anyways, like you're a large human being, yeah.

Shah:

It's awkward, being a physically large human being, in regular human being spaces, so I tend to slouch to lessen my physical presence.

Shah:

Would you rather be like my size, because this is ridiculous down here I just rather not be so kind of like awkwardly Awkward, like the clown feet in the long-ass fucking arms and shit. All that stuff is just. I'd rather not that when I speak I tend to just articulate a lot. I use my hands when I speak. Someone who has awkwardly Proportioned limbs, talking with your hands and just circulating a lot means you knock shit over Constantly. Do you think about dying a lot?

Gibbs:

Uh, what is a lot?

Shah:

Answer that question.

Gibbs:

It depends. I don't know what a lot is.

Shah:

I used to obsess over the idea of death. I used to be Extremely afraid of dying, and then I almost died Four times. Yeah, I've four, yeah, I've almost died four times. When you, when you get that close to dying that many times, it kind of loses its charm.

Gibbs:

Is your nisic? What?

Shah:

now I'm just like I don't give a fuck about it so, but I used to obsess about it. Man used to think about my death every single day of my life. There are four ways for a human being to die only for homicide, suicide, natural causes, accident. Those are the only four ways. If you are someone who knows my personal history, you would think that the odds on Favorite for the way I leave this planet is suicide. You would think that on the surface, but if you're someone who really knows me, you would know that the most likely cause of my death will be accident.

Gibbs:

I think about killing you so often.

Shah:

Like I never would.

Gibbs:

I never would I have great affection for you, yeah. But, this is just a fact. I.

Shah:

Get that a lot as well. Man Like I don't know what it is about me. Yes, you do, yes you do. I think the most likely way for me to die would be Accident me, just like I know, stumbling.

Gibbs:

Yeah, tripping over your feet or something.

Shah:

Yeah, that's the most likely way. Second most likely is probably suicide. But I don't think about death that often these days, I just kind of as I said, since I've come close to dying so often, man, I'm just accepted it it's, I'm not afraid of it.

Gibbs:

Yeah, I'm not afraid of it. I'm not worried about it. Sometimes I'm like man, I would love a rest. I would love a long rest, real dark, real quick. I wasn't even supposed to be dark, it was just like a fun.

Shah:

But because we are human that's a part of life is Eventually, our bodies are going to stop working. Now, for you, this question has some more Interesting connotations because you have a life partner. Have you thought about which one of you will probably outlive the other one, or anything about Romeo and Julietting it?

Gibbs:

No, we're not gonna do that. Uh, I don't know. We kind of go back and forth. We're both Pretty unhealthy in our own ways, because it's like he's older I smoke more, he drinks more.

Shah:

I commute an hour and a half to work in the been hit by two semis, yeah, yeah. Have you thought about what you want to happen to your body when you die? Yeah, which one? What's gonna happen?

Gibbs:

I wanted to be taxidermied.

Shah:

The. So I'm sure if we Google how to taxidermy a person, it would have less than a hundred thousand results.

Gibbs:

And we would be on a list. I told my partner I would like to be taxidermy. This is also assuming that I die before him. I would like to be taxidermy and I would like to have a voice box inside me that is triggered by a motion sensor.

Shah:

And what will the voices say?

Gibbs:

Just like normal everyday things that I say anytime he walks by my body. But then he like started kind of crying as I was telling him, so you tabled that discussion for later. Yeah, it's in my will those.

Shah:

Oh wait, do you actually have a will?

Gibbs:

No, no, I have life insurance policies, though, and it's also my sister, is my beneficiary, my partner's not on it.

Shah:

So you know that.

Gibbs:

Yes, I told him because he was, he was so beneficiary, but then he was just like saying some shit about like what he would do with the money, and then it aggravated me so I took him off.

Shah:

I've seen enough lifetime. I want to be cremated, plain and simple. That's not very fun. I want my body gone. As I have said earlier in this show, I do not feel comfortable being confined to a body. So the idea of being trapped in a body decaying underground in a fucking claustrophobically small casket, that actually unnerves me. So I'm like no, release me from this fucking body, cremate me and then scatter the ashes to the fucking winds, whatever.

Gibbs:

Do you have thoughts about life after death? Oh, jesus Christ, here we are, well not life, but just like what happens after, I guess.

Shah:

I do have very, very clear thoughts about what happens after we die. I am disinclined to share them on air just because I do not want to offend my listenership that has very, very, very different views.

Gibbs:

You can share my opinions is nothing.

Shah:

All I can say, I will say this what I think happens after we die I'm not afraid of, it's just a natural part of life is that life in consciousness ends.

Gibbs:

I think it's a comforting thing. I think it would be hellish if it continued, if, like my consciousness continued All right, fuck it, here we go.

Shah:

Yeah, same here. It's complete nothingness after death. That's what I have always felt. The nothingness that was you before you were alive. That's exactly what it's like after you're dead, and for me that's how. I view what is awaiting me and, yeah, there's nothing about that to be afraid of. There's literally nothing about that to be afraid of, I know.

Gibbs:

And that's why I'm sometimes like I would love a rest. It's like, yeah, this could just be over.

Shah:

You know, like you think that it's like wait, this could. I wouldn't have to worry about any of this bullshit anymore. And that's a wrap on this fucking episode and this little mini arc in this dark times in our fucking life. That was some content, yeah, it was, it was something, and now it's in the rear view mirror. Holy shit, I just knocked over a bottle of water near a bunch of cords and electrical shit.

Gibbs:

What a way for you to go with me just watching. I wouldn't call anybody, that would be what they call ignominious.

Shah:

I was so looking forward to being done with this whole topic. You fucking die as we fucking fit.

Gibbs:

I'm so excited to finish that I knocked over.

Shah:

Holy shit, I just knocked over shit. It's fate baby. It's time for you to go?

Gibbs:

No, I'm not dying tonight.

Shah:

I'm not having this podcast be my final words on this planet. No man, it's not happening. I have to let my cat out, it's just one of those things.

Gibbs:

This is a wrap for this episode.

Shah:

I'm going to go child proof my room from yourself.

Gibbs:

Yeah, yeah, bud, goodbye. Oh God, like a chest.

Shah:

I hope this is actually chest pain and not like a heart attack. I'm going to see you die one way or another tonight. Oh man it actually hurts to inhale and exhale too much. So when I laugh it hurts as well, which is unfortunately which is unfortunate for someone who is the co-host of comedy podcasts. I can't laugh about the feeling of pain.

Gibbs:

That's life. So this is the point where we tell our listeners to fuck off.

Shah:

But not until after we plug our website.

Gibbs:

We don't have a website.

Shah:

But we do have social media.

Gibbs:

Follow me at. Definitely not, gibbs.

Shah:

And I'm Sean and the poet.

Gibbs:

So that's the end of the show.

Shah:

Now go fuck off.