Mid-Life Mayhem; A guide to functioning in your 40's & beyond
This podcast features us having candid conversations about how to navigate all things mid life, including:
- Relationships
- Mental Health - anxiety, stress, depression, grief, fears, trauma (including generational trauma), estrangement, aging, parental aging and more
- Nervous system care & daily practices
- Sex
- Perimenopause & Cycle syncing
Mid-Life Mayhem; A guide to functioning in your 40's & beyond
Unraveling Emotional Triggers: Understanding and Managing Reactions for Healthier Living
Ever find yourself irrationally upset over a minor inconvenience, like a missing toilet paper roll? Natalie Diaz and I, Katie Kovaleski, invite you to uncover the historical roots behind these "hysterical" reactions. By exploring the true meaning behind emotional triggers, we aim to shed light on how these moments can be the result of unmet needs or deeper past traumas. Join us as we unravel the complexities of our emotional landscapes and emphasize the importance of understanding these psychological patterns for healthier living.
In an engaging discussion, we recount a personal encounter involving a playful dog named Murphy, which highlights how emotional reactions can surface unexpectedly. This story serves as a springboard for exploring effective strategies for managing such emotional responses, including the importance of recognizing our need to create physical and emotional space. We underline the value of safe and consensual support through desensitization and self-awareness, helping listeners understand how to effectively soothe their nervous systems and prioritize emotional well-being.
With life's pressures often lowering our emotional bandwidth, we discuss the importance of identifying when stress, fatigue, or hunger might amplify our responses. By acknowledging these contributing factors, you can learn to pause, question your reactions, and choose the right time to address triggers. We delve into breaking repetitive emotional cycles and the power of subconscious rewiring, encouraging a curious approach to understanding and transforming ingrained beliefs for a more balanced and insightful future.
You can reach us here:
Katie:
Website:
KatieKovaleski.com
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/coach_katiek/
Linkedin:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/katiekovaleski/
Natalie:
Website: http://www.jupiterbloomwellness.com/
Instagram: Https://www.instagram.com/jupiterbloomwellness
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/natalie-diaz-182592318/
Wavier & Release of Liability and Disclaimer: The information provided by the therapist(s) is not intended, nor is implied to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. The listener is advised to always seek the advice of their health care practitioner or other qualified health care provider with questions regarding medical conditions, or the mental health and welfare of the listener. I (listener) accept that neither Kathryn Kovaleski or Natalie Diaz, is liable for any injury, or damages, to person or property, resulting from listening to this podcast.
Welcome to Midlife Mayhem, a podcast all about how to function and thrive in your 40s and beyond. I'm Katie Kowalewski, your host, and today, natalie and I, my co-host, will be discussing all things triggers Enjoy.
Speaker 2:Are we saying like welcome back?
Speaker 3:Welcome back. Welcome back to Midlife Mayhem.
Speaker 2:Welcome, welcome back, welcome back to Midlife Mayhem, welcome. What are we talking about today, katie? In today's episode we're talking about something, a word that is, I want to say, overused or misused, or both, but we're going to use it accurately today. I don't know, that sounds very self-righteous of me. We're gonna use it in a way and define it that I think um is the most accurate.
Speaker 3:That's the way I would say that which is triggers and being triggered and how to function during a trigger yeah, and I think that we could do a whole episode on um how, like, mainstream media or people or whatever hijack psychological terms for their own use and they like are misusing them, so triggers gets thrown around. You know a lot, um, but there's a handful of other ones too that we could talk about on a whole episode. Um, sometimes that's one of my pet peeves, where I'm like, well, and that's a disorder, don't throw that at somebody like what are you doing?
Speaker 2:I mean, that is a thing you are right about, that, and it can be actually very um triggering when people use these disordered words incorrectly. But I say that in just because I think of this idea of like, oh my gosh, I'm triggered. He's triggering me as being so thrown around. But there is some kind of truth beneath that that I think we're going to explore, I guess I'm going to say, the science of what happens when we have these reactions, how to kind of function and become more aware of our emotional responses and our subconscious beliefs and reactions, and then how to work with them or sometimes not work with them as far as responding less or any more helpful way.
Speaker 3:Is that what we're doing? Yeah, so it's kind of we're going to discuss the science and psychology behind the word trigger, so what's really happening on a mental, physical, emotional level, and then how to sue them. So ways to sue them Fundamentally too. When people are throwing out like well, he's triggering me, she's triggering me, I think people use that as kind of like a pump the brakes point then, and not to further the conversation, which is really what needs to happen if you're going to work through a trigger. People kind of throw that out there as like a that's enough, stay away, like the conversation stops right, and that's not. That's honestly. If you're in a growth mindset, that's where the conversation starts. If you're in a safe, healthy environment, that's where the real conversation begins.
Speaker 2:And I hear you using the word conversation, but when I'm listening to you explain it that way, I'm thinking of the word exploration, right. So, like, sometimes that's a conversation, but oftentimes, and maybe in the way that I'm thinking of it for today, it's more of like a self-inquiry process too. So what is happening? First of all, am I aware that I'm having a response of some sort. What is that response telling me? Where is it coming from that type of stuff? Does that make sense?
Speaker 3:Yes. So if we pause and kind of start from the beginning, we can explain triggers in a few ways. But a trigger is basically like a physical and emotional response, the past being brought into the present that we're not necessarily aware of. So I think of triggers like inside your body, your brain, I call it. It's like a mind field, right, mind field, get it. So there's all these little minds and the minds represent all of your past, like traumas or wounds again, things you might not even be aware of. So you have a disproportionate reaction or response to the present moment. So it's not really about the present, it's the past being brought into the present.
Speaker 2:Somebody has triggered one of our little sort of cheesy, cliche taglines for this would be If it's hysterical, it's historical, and I did not coin that, that comes from a Mago theory. By way of a good friend of mine, shout out to Arian, thank you. But you know, and sometimes people get a little caught up on the hysterical piece. But essentially, how I would translate, that is when we notice ourselves having a reaction that is disproportionate to the stimulus. This is often a historical or a triggered or a subconscious response. Right, I have an example story I could share on this. Did you say you have one too? Let's share two stories, one story for everyone.
Speaker 2:But like, thinking of that idea of when it's hysterical, it's historical, you know, sometimes we find ourselves in relationships really overreacting and over responding to something, and it's often not about the thing, so we might see.
Speaker 2:So the example I was thinking of, that I've shared before, is you know, there's no, the toilet paper is not replaced in the bathroom. It's like coming out and be like I can't believe whether it's roommate or whatever the situation is, can't believe you didn't replace this. Like you know, we've talked about this and I come in here and now I'm obviously in need of something I don't have. You know, what's really happening there feels very, so to speak hysterical based on the stimulus, and when we have that response or reaction, it's like kind of thinking below. This is this really about? Like I'm not being listened to, my views or requests are not important, my needs are not met, I'm left vulnerable. I mean, it sounds so kind of cheesy and therapeutic when we start to break it down like this, but this is actually how the subconscious is working, kind of behind the scenes at all time. Um, did that come out clearly because I was trying not to say poop too much, in that. I was trying to keep it like streamlined.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, that's what I look at it straight of purposes. Okay, yeah, someone forgets to replace the toilet paper and then suddenly you're throwing the roll up their head and yelling that they don't care about you and they've never cared, and like maybe you should just break up because you don't listen to me, right?
Speaker 2:That would be hysterical based on the stimulus. Yes, thank you, katie.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so replace toilet paper roll with anything that like ends up getting either built up because it happens repeatedly, either built up because it happens repeatedly, or, for example, my example. I think I love now example because it's great for triggers that are built up over time, right? So this isn't something that's just happened once, it's happened repeatedly. Perhaps, like she said, it had been addressed. So it's like a double, triple down effect, right. Then there are other triggers that will come out of nowhere that you didn't know are there that you have never addressed with someone else? That surprise even you, right?
Speaker 2:so those are the fun ones like oh, what's up? There's where the exploration and curiosity come in, right like what the hell is happening here, and that's what my example is like.
Speaker 3:So unwittingly, we're like describing two separate ones so my for this is recently.
Speaker 3:Um, I have a dog, murphy, and he's two, and my boyfriend was kind of like wrestling with him like nothing crazy, but he's kind of wrestling and murphy seems to appear to love that. I hate it. I had a let him go, what are you doing, don't touch him, kind of response and I was like and he kind of stopped and was like Whoa, and I'm like and I knew it was disproportionate, I knew everything, everyone was safe, but I had a really strong response to it and so I did some exploring around it and realized when Murphy was a puppy he was super wild and I worked really hard to get him to not nip and have a bite response because he's part shepherd likes to herd. And I got him at just over four months and he did not know how to. Not, he would get excited and he would nip and it led to some situations that may be uncomfortable and he would get excited and he would nip and it led to some situations that made me uncomfortable and I had a partner at the time who was not involved in this training and would like to wrestle with him and it was like I would watch everything I had done that week go down the drain when he would get like rough or aggressive with the dog. I hated it and I expressed that. I hated it, I expressed why and it would continue to happen and so that partner kept the dog, got rid of the partner.
Speaker 3:So when this happened in the present moment and Murphy's like such a sweetheart but I was it was more like what are you doing to my, my dog? Like don't, don't do this and it, and so we addressed it. And then they were kind of playing around the other night and I had the same response, but not as strong, and I kind of voiced it and he kind of cal around the other night and I had the same response, but not as strong, and I kind of voiced it and he kind of calmed me down and then would play with him, still play with them, but just a little more gently. And that's sort of like the desensitization that can happen with those like more quote fun triggers that you're not sure where they come from.
Speaker 3:But once you do, like Natalie said, that exploration and realize it, you don't want to just for some of them yes, some of them if if something is abusive or really offensive, look hard line, don't do that. But if it's not that way and you want to slowly, like move into a space where it feels comfortable, having a safe partner slowly help you expose yourself to that until it doesn't trigger you anymore can be really helpful, as long as you're both in agreement with it. You don't want to have anybody force you to do something you're not ready for. But that's kind of the flip side of the ones. The triggers that kind of come out of nowhere and that's how you kind of want to learn how to explore and then slowly, safely start to expose yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you for sharing that, and we do love Murphy, so shout out to him. I didn't know that about his history actually, because I just have seen him post-training I want to go back to. I want to expand on part of your example which is, and also kind of add to it. I guess I heard you share your process, right, and as an advanced practitioner of all things, I don't even know I don't want to limit you in any way, but in this field let's just say that, right, like that process felt probably somewhat connected and smooth for you, it sounds like. But I want to kind of go back to when we get those surprise reactions and responses.
Speaker 2:Really, the first step, if we start to break down like how to function in your midlife during a trigger, right, like how to function, the first step is really just A noticing that it's happening, right, noticing what is physically happening in my body. How am I feeling emotionally right now? Am I in a fight, flight or freeze response where I feel activated, outside of my window of tolerance? If some of this stuff is kind of not making complete sense, that's okay. I'm throwing out different lingo here, but outside of my comfort zone, basically that's. The first thing is to just notice it. I think a lot of people so. I spent a lot of time in the airport yesterday during, like, a huge flight delay, one of those kinds of days which is a really interesting place to notice people that are not aware of how triggered and or activated they are right, and there's lots of different stimuli and reasons for that. Some of it might just be basic nervous system care and exhaustion, but there could be tons of things happening there, right, whether it be from the family or from the feeling of not being in control, et cetera, et cetera. I don't have to explain it. I think we can all easily relate to that.
Speaker 2:Going back to the steps, though, the first step is just noticing, like dude, where am I at right now? How am I responding to this other human being or the situation in front of me? The second piece to that would be and this is where Katie's favorite catchphrase comes in, that I totally also stole would be to pause and soothe right. So in your example, katie, when you notice like oh my gosh, is this happening, murphy, I'm feeling uncomfortable. You know you didn't go right into like what. Let me explore this and what's happening and let me have this conversation with my partner. The first thing I'm almost positive that you did was somehow take care of your physical nervous system. What did you do, actually, and if you didn't make up like a good example, so that talent?
Speaker 3:so it works. I went to the bathroom. I was like I'm going to the bathroom and I think I might've ended up taking a shower, but I knew I needed. I was having a strong, intense reaction. That didn't feel great and I was like, all right, I need some space from the stimulus and so I just excuse myself. I was like, oh, I'll be back.
Speaker 2:I think, if we get nothing else out of today's very fluid, flowy conversation, it's that right. It's that I think a lot of people try to jump right into solve mode. Like, well, I'm going to tell him about the toilet paper and we're going to get, you know, a chart on the wall and we're going to do whatever. Like just go right into the like, how are we going to solve this while they're still completely activated or triggered, which, from a whole brain state, does not line up because we're in an that's an emotional response. We want a whole brain, balanced logic and emotion response.
Speaker 2:So I think the first thing is just to recognize I need to soothe, right, I need to remove myself from this situation. Perhaps, or I need to take a few breaths, or I need to splash cold water on my face, or I need to get up and do some movement, or I need to close my computer, or I need to go to the bathroom, or I need to go stand outside barefoot, or I need to call a friend, or I need to go stand outside barefoot, or I need to call a friend, or I need to pet a dog I don't know. I'm throwing things out here that all sound soothing, I need to close my eyes for 30 seconds. Whatever it is Soothe, that is your first step, and soothe can last 30 seconds. Sometimes soothe needs to last more, like 24 hours, right? So, based on where we're at, on where we're at, and then come back into the curiosity exploration, solve, piece, either on your own or with the help of, sometimes, a professional or other support person. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:That was. That does make sense and you put that really well, and I think this is the piece people miss a lot is that when the emotion isn't there any longer and you've calmed down, they think I feel better now or I'm fine, and so there's nothing to address. The emotion isn't there, like to say problem, problem, problem. It's to point you towards what you need to be curious about, and we don't want to stay in a state of heightened emotion all the time, and some people do. That's chronic fight or flight, yada, yada. But so if you calm yourself down, if you take a break and, like Natalie said, 24 hours and then you wake up and you feel fine about it, typically we keep going on with our day. We don't want to circle back to the thing that made us feel those emotions Sometimes, for fear that it'll bring them up again. That made us feel those emotions Sometimes for fear that it'll bring them up again. You don't want to rock the boat, but but and that's the safest and healthiest place to address the topic from so if you've been triggered by something, just because your nervous system has calmed down and you've soothed, doesn't mean that there's nothing to look at and to carry on Right. The goal is to calm down and soothe and then get open and curious about the trigger.
Speaker 3:The trigger still exists inside of you, even if you're not presently feeling it and upset about it. If it came up, it's still there and so we have to circle back. That's the growth happens when we circle back. Most people don't. They calm down or they fight a little bit about it. But it takes space calm down, go on with their day, week, month, and then the trigger comes up again and that's why we feel like we get stuck in these repetitive cycles. It's because we never got open and curious. Once we calm down, that's when we need to revisit it. And is it uncomfortable if you're not used to doing it? Even if you are, yes, it is uncomfortable, but it's necessary. That's the only way to move through the trigger so that it's no longer a trigger. You can get rid of triggers but I was just gonna.
Speaker 2:I was just gonna say okay, katie, what about for those of us? Or the time? First of all, yes, yes, yes, that's what we say. You can't solve and soothe, but the, the order. I can't think of a better word, even though I'm doing a professional podcast and I can't think of words. The order is soothe and then come back to solve from that whole brain place. And but what about those times or instances where we know we are aware of our trigger? We've done the curiosity, we're doing the soothing, and it keeps freaking, happening or it feels in some way faulty or like we can't move through it. And why I say faulty? I guess what I mean by that is like I know my partner does care about me. I know that this toilet paper shouldn't make me feel like they never listen or I'm not heard. Why is it still bothering me Like that space? What do we do then? Yes, I kind of know the answer. I'm just baiting the question.
Speaker 3:So if the cognitive behavioral piece isn't enough to change your response to a trigger, so that's understanding your pattern, understanding what's triggering you, possibly even understanding why, and it not being enough to change your response to it. Like I understand all these things and I still want to throw this tulip people rule at their head Like it drives me nuts and maybe they change the behavior. Maybe they change it 70 or 80 percent of the time and I still, in that 10 or 20%, want to like go ape over. That would me.
Speaker 3:If I was working with a client and that was happening, or myself, then I would say, okay, the root of that trigger, the origin point, is either so historical or has been like habituated, has been like digging into me for so long that we really need to take a subconscious approach and look at the underlying sort of belief or programming. That's when I would, either with myself or the client, you say okay, because we really actually need to change that belief or that memory point on a subconscious level to create a new response. Often we can. Often I would say I don't know, there's a good percentage of the time for things that understanding to and then maybe communicating about can shift our behavior or our response to it. But there's plenty of things that aren't, because the majority of our programming is solidified in those first seven years of our lives and when it comes from that place it can be really difficult to just change our response to a trigger with awareness alone. It can be really frustrating.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you for clarifying. That's where the rewiring piece comes in right, and one of the ways that Katie and I work with rewiring subconscious beliefs is with Psyche. There are different modalities. It's my favorite, I think it's definitely your favorite, since you introduced me to it, thank God. But that idea of you know the awareness not being able to almost penetrate or not being able to fully bring to light or rewire, reorganize that kind of programming that's in there, and so I just wanted to bring up, you know, the different, do we say, like levels of triggers almost, because some of them feel more surface and some of them feel more historical. So I can almost feel like this is a level one, this is like down on buried deep, level 10. And being in sometimes that frustrating place I've seen clients there I've been there myself, obviously where it's like I know this and yet I'm still triggered, so to speak know this and yet I'm still triggered, so to speak.
Speaker 3:I love, I think we should definitely talk about, or we could talk about, triggers on a scale. You know, with 10 being like that was pretty debilitating and it took me three days to like calm my system and like come down from that right, because some trigger triggers lead us down a spiral, like a negative thought spiral that can be really debilitating. Our anxiety spikes, maybe we have a panic attack. We can't stop thinking about it. I would call that like closer to a 10 as opposed to like a one might be. Yeah, they, you know, someone got a cup out of the cabinet and left the cabin open and you were like oh, that's annoying. And then like literally forgot about it. It's, it doesn't register after a short period of time. And then the middle, middle ones. But if you're at like a five plus, I would say like go easy on yourself and seek out some psyche, use something to rewire it, and that, you know, requires a facilitator. But for the there is nothing worse to me than trying to face a five to ten on the trigger scale. It's kind of like an earthquake scale by yourself without these tools. It is a murky wilderness out there to try to figure that out, because it's it's subconscious and so you're gonna have to be throwing every soothing tool you have on that fire to get yourself to calm down and ultimately that, like the ember is still burning because it's it's something you can't reach. And so, yeah, think of it on a seismic scale one to 10, know where you're at and if it's a five plus, know that you likely are going to need something a little bit stronger and deeper to unroot that trigger, cause it's hellacious being deeply triggered and having to take, you know, days or however long it is, to get yourself out of that.
Speaker 3:And I think people say things like I've been in a funk lately where I got in a fight with my spouse or whomever, and it it's taking me days to kind of restabilize. That's what we're talking about, that's what that is. That's your nervous system being so deeply triggered that it's taking you days to kind of restabilize. And, as women in midlife mayhem, especially with hormonal fluctuations and everything else, we can become more easily triggered. Right, we don't have steady, steady hormones flowing the way that men do, for one and two like our own levels are becoming foreign to us and our own responses might be a little foreign. So becoming kind of your own guru when it comes to how best to soothe yourself and when to call in for help for really big triggers is super important, especially in this phase of life, cause it can be. It can be brutal out there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was going to move into that. So thank you for that segue. I think, before we do just kind of summarizing and recapping a little bit of of what's kind of been thrown out there so far, and first building awareness. And how do I feel? Where am I on my stress on a Saturday morning that we could just be drinking coffee. But it won't be, hopefully, an argument, because there will be that whole brain place right.
Speaker 2:Then we talked about kind of the layers and levels of triggers and where that awareness and beliefs come in, talked about different types of triggers, whether they be repetitive and or kind of the surprise ones, which have a very different unearthing process. And then you were just speaking to Katie, kind of like okay, is this a surface level or is this something that's more deep and or historical? And I heard you say something along the lines of like it can get really murky and confusing and I think that part is really important to emphasize when we are working with bigger, deeper, more, so to speak, historical, to use the language from earlier responses or triggers, earlier responses or triggers, it's, I want to say, like almost impossible, but that doesn't sound empowering, but it's really difficult to see that in yourself because it's not logical and it's not conscious oftentimes, and we gave some good examples of I mean, I think they were good examples of you know how we can make sense of some of this, but sometimes it's not that smooth, right. And then it's not like, oh well, I didn't like the Murphy thing because it reminded me of when I had all this time and that wasn't honored and my efforts were discarded, like it's not always that process when it's like, well, when I was five and this sounds so stereotypical therapy ish, when I say those things, but that's real right, those are the ones that are kind of in that murky ember place.
Speaker 2:So I just I do. I want to emphasize what you shared there. And then, is there anything I missed? Did I sort of capture most of the most important points?
Speaker 3:No, I think you captured them really well and especially, like the last piece, I think I think we'll end up doing a series on triggers and even, you know, a whole episode on how to soothe and what that looks like, and kind of going into like the details of it because, like it, you know, I've been working with triggers with myself and clients for, like you know, a decade and a half and it's it took so much practice and so it takes time to understand these pieces. Most people, when they respond to something, lean into the response in the moment because they feel like the bigger the response, the more valid it is. Right, I must, this must be really important because I feel so much emotion about this and they, like they don't have the awareness piece to stop and question their response.
Speaker 2:So that, like Natalie said, if that's something you take away from the episode, take away that pause and, bringing awareness to it, question your responses to things Like especially when you're at the airport airport sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah, but like that is such a good place to to like oh man, do this case study just saying but yeah, yeah, but because most people don't question their own responses, just lean into them.
Speaker 3:And so if, when we start to question them and we get into a five plus on the trigger scale and it gets murky, you get lost in the woods. That's when chronic overthinking happens and people get lost in that. You know we can overthink everything. And so if we're like, where did this come from and why, why, why, why, why, why, we can get lost in the why, um, and so that's when it's just easier and, I think, faster to be like okay, this is, I'm having an incredibly intense reaction to this Doesn't feel good. I'm going to reach out for help on this one. I still do that, it's it's. There's no point in making yourself suffer by trying to unpack a reaction, like Natalie said, isn't logical and lies in the subconscious. Don't get lost in the woods on that. You will torture yourself. So those are like two big takeaways, I think you will torture yourself.
Speaker 2:Or the other tendency is you will torture those around you, right, because some I'm gonna speaking from from for a friend here some people go internal, right, why, why, why? And some people I don't know who these people are go external, right, like how could they? What's wrong with them? I can't believe that. It's so unfair when it shouldn't be, you know, like totally external. Both are different ends of the same spectrum of a response of I don't even know, I can't, I don't want to put a word on it, but like a response right. So I think that's the two pieces that we see there and, yeah, I guess maybe there will be a part two to this, or a part two through 10. But I think for today, kind of coming back to the last, one of the later points you made before we did our little recap, which is that around you were speaking to hormones, what I would label it as is bandwidth, right.
Speaker 2:So anytime our bandwidth is low again I'm going to use my recent airport experience people's bandwidth are low. They're tired, they're bored, they're antsy. They've been wherever all day. Maybe they're bored, they're antsy, they've been wherever all day. Maybe they're hungry, thirsty, all the things right, like, got up early, whatever, um, have had way too much screen. Screen time is another thing. Um, noise, I could keep going. But anyways, when our bandwidth is low, we are I would make a I should make up a statistic here, because we can make stuff up on the show, right, kidding you know, however much more times likely to experience these reactions or these triggers outside of our window of tolerance. So, really being mindful of where is my bandwidth and when I say bandwidth, it could, could be hormones, it could be all the other things that were just mentioned but essentially, like, where is my physical and energetic ability and capability right now? Where are my reserves? Right?
Speaker 3:how close am I to losing my shit? Basically, that's what it is like. All right, I'm on the list like just by sitting.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm on the brink. I woke up and I'm on the brink of losing my shit today. Okay, that means your bandwidth is really low, like you have you got nothing left right. Or it's like, wow, I'm, like you know, really far from the ledge, like I could get pushed so far today. That's that's how I look at it. It's like what are you know how close am I to losing my shit over this, over the toilet paper, or of you know something huge, small, big, whatever triggers are, all the same.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think just adding that as an awareness piece and maybe even a proactive or preventative piece I don't know that it means that those triggers are not still maybe worth exploring or kind of after soothing, like revisiting. It just means that you know, maybe there's a different likelihood or response. Likelihood to respond or response size.
Speaker 3:Right yeah, and so some of it's like better left for next week.
Speaker 3:You know, there are certain like days of my month, based on hormones or stressors, where it's like, yep, that's, that's registering, and I don't have the bandwidth to have that conversation today, no matter how much soothing I do and not have it go sideways, it's not going to go well.
Speaker 3:So it's like, all right, take a step back into that, and then next week I'm going to revisit it, um and for, like, I'm a step back and you know, into that, and then next week I'm going to revisit it, um and for, like, I'm a communicator, so I'll likely bring it up anyway, but I'll do it once. It seems to not even register anymore, just because I like to have stuff out there that's like, hey, this, this registered for me, um, but that's a whole other thing, and so what I love about talking about triggers is that there can be a whole episode on on how to soothe and really like isolating one trigger example and going piece by piece. I think that could be helpful for people to really get that system down. Um, talking about you know, the types of triggers, and subconscious examples are there too, um, so there's there's so much information that can be squeezed out of the trigger topic because it is I mean it's relevant.
Speaker 2:Um, we'll take a moment and kind of each share or reflect on our favorite little tidbit or takeaway, and then I would invite listeners to pause for a moment this is not a quiz, this is not graded, but and kind of think about oh, what was like one thing I got out of this or heard today or might want to hear more about that, you know, resonated with or piqued my interest? Um, because I think we did do kind of a tree today. I'm like blah blah, blah, blah blah. So if it felt that way for you, let's just bring it back and take one kind of takeaway. Um, I want to steal yours with solve and soothe, but I feel like I can't steal that from you, so why don't you?
Speaker 3:you go first, okay, yeah, yeah, I'll go first, but then you can, you can steal it. So, my favorite piece I heard a song playing my head when you said that and it's just walk away, renee, just walk away. When you recognize your stress response going up, you recognize that you're triggered. Walk, take a, take a beat. And that's when I went to the bathroom, that's when I gave you examples of going outside and petting the dog, do whatever. Take a minute, take 30, take a day, but it's just being aware of your reaction and then pausing and and walking out and and we can get into this later that can be triggering for anxiously attached partners. They might want to talk about everything right in the moment and have all these stories about, well, they're walking away. Walk away if it's going to save you from the explosion that will likely come when you're triggered, and the rest of that stuff can be worked on. But just walk away, renee, just walk away, just for a little bit, yeah thank you for sharing.
Speaker 2:I mean pretty similar to. We can't solve and soothe at the same time, so remembering that it doesn't need to be solved when we're activated, the first step is soothing um, and it can't be that. It can't be it feels like it can, but it's it's reactive response, um, and then just that kind of awareness piece around, like if it's hysterical to historical and what, building awareness around what's happening, that is doing a thing, even if it's just noticing it and not getting any of the other parts.
Speaker 3:You know, yeah, yet there's one other big piece that we'll tie in at some point and that's conscious communication. So it's like how do I effectively communicate that I'm triggered, what I need, how I feel, all those things? All of that stuff, too, like, takes time and an acquired skillset. So conscious communication about how to work with the trigger, through it with someone else at some point is is going to be an interesting conversation that we'll definitely dive into, because that, I find, is a whole secondary piece to this. Um, that can also bring up other triggers right, you're like dying to go into it.
Speaker 2:You're like I want to do I can.
Speaker 2:I can hear you, I can feel myself too being like there's cool down time and when you walk away from an anxious, avoidant partner like this is how we set that up for success. But for today, we're going to pause at, solve and soothe and walk away. I think you bring up like, yes, all of these next pieces to like but how, but how, but what, if, but da da da. So I think all of that is valid and I'm proud of you for being able to. I know we're like chomping at the bit with that. It's yeah, there's a lot to unpack here, but I think one takeaway for today is a good start. Final remarks for today. I know this feels incomplete, but complete enough for now maybe.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think, just be patient with yourselves. If you're looking for additional support, check out the show notes for what our current offerings are on the support side. And yeah, maybe save this, send it to somebody but not in a passive, aggressive way If you think it would be helpful not while you're triggered.
Speaker 2:Conscious communication pending. Yeah, yeah, wait till you hear that one. All right, take care of yourself everyone.
Speaker 1:Stay safe out there amongst the triggers. We hope you enjoyed today's episode. Per usual, you can find all of our contact info in the show notes, where to reach us, our handles and all about our upcoming offerings. Please give us a five-star rating if you enjoyed today's episode and share it with those you love. Thank you.
