Mid-Life Mayhem; A guide to functioning in your 40's & beyond
This podcast features us having candid conversations about how to navigate all things mid life, including:
- Relationships
- Mental Health - anxiety, stress, depression, grief, fears, trauma (including generational trauma), estrangement, aging, parental aging and more
- Nervous system care & daily practices
- Sex
- Perimenopause & Cycle syncing
Mid-Life Mayhem; A guide to functioning in your 40's & beyond
Your Body Knows When a Relationship Is Over Before Your Mind Does
Have you ever felt your body tense up the moment your partner walks into a room? That unconscious physical reaction might be telling you something crucial about your relationship's health. I'm diving deep into the challenging question so many couples face but rarely discuss openly: "Has too much happened for me to stay in this relationship?"
The truth is uncomfortable but important - yes, relationships can reach a point of no return. For many couples, certain patterns become so deeply ingrained that their bodies enter a stress response at the mere presence of their partner. This physiological reaction isn't just uncomfortable; it literally shuts down the parts of your brain needed for healthy communication. When your nervous system perceives your partner as a threat, productive conversation becomes neurologically impossible.
What's fascinating is how many couples are trying to solve complex relationship issues without having mastered the fundamentals. As I explain in this episode, it's like attempting to sprint when you haven't even learned to crawl. The foundation of relationship repair requires two essential skills: recognizing when you're dysregulated and knowing how to practice active listening. Without these basics firmly established, couples find themselves trapped in damaging cycles that eventually create what I call a "zone of chaos" - where the accumulated damage becomes irreparable.
This episode provides a clear framework for understanding whether your relationship challenges are temporary hurdles or signs of fundamental incompatibility. If you're struggling in your relationship or know someone who is, this conversation offers both validation and practical guidance for moving forward. Listen now to understand the science behind relationship breakdown and discover if repair is still possible for you.
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Katie:
Website:
KatieKovaleski.com
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https://www.instagram.com/coach_katiek/
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https://www.linkedin.com/in/katiekovaleski/
Wavier & Release of Liability and Disclaimer: The information provided by the therapist(s) is not intended, nor is implied to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. The listener is advised to always seek the advice of their health care practitioner or other qualified health care provider with questions regarding medical conditions, or the mental health and welfare of the listener. I (listener) accept that Kathryn Kovaleski is not liable for any injury, or damages, to person or property, resulting from listening to this podcast.
Welcome back to the Midlife Mayhem podcast. I'm your host, katie Kowalewski, relationship therapist and coach. I took about a year off to do some deep dive, studying into what really ails relationships from the foundation up, and I'm focusing this month on talking about the two skill sets needed in order to have a healthy, high-functioning relationship. We're diving into one of those skill sets today and then I'll be exploring those other themes throughout the month. Enjoy Welcome to this mini sewed on relationships and answering the question of has too much happened for me to stay in this relationship? Has too much damage happened, and is that possible Even if we're in active, consistent repair? Are there cases where too much has happened for the relationship to be able to function and thrive and feel the way both partners want to feel? And the short answer to that is yes. For many couples, there is a line and there comes a time when, um, the relationship is causing more harm to each of them, even if they're not necessarily consciously aware of it. Then good. So a lot of couples, when there has been habitual patterns that have not been working in the relationship present, have a stress response in their body just at the sight of the other person, or they have a stress response. The second the person comes into the room and looks like they're about to say something to them. Um, and essentially what that does is stops all high functioning, growth oriented, conscious communication. Right, if your partner walks in the room and looks like they're about to say something to you, gives you a certain look there's so many different cues that we respond to from our partners and we've known them for a long time. And if those cues merely those cues send you into a stress response in your nervous system, that's where we have to begin right. We need your body and your nervous system to have a grounded, peaceful, even excited, open, expansive response to your partner. So if any part of your body tenses when your partner walks into a room or is about to say something, gives you one of those cues that in the past has led to a conversation that hasn't gone well, if you have a stress response to that, or a thought of, if you're not in tune with your body and your stress responses, I'll preach on this hill, I will die on it.
Speaker 1:That's where you need to start for yourself, for everyone in your life. You need to know what it feels like in your body when you're having a stress response. A lot of people call this anxiety, so think of anxiety as a stress response. Um, call this anxiety, so think of anxiety as a stress response. We'll have a whole other podcast episode on debunking anxiety and why, in fact, is just a stress response? Um, and it's a sign that we're dysregulated. But you need to know what what that feels like for you. So when I say, what does the stress response feel like for you? How do you know you're having a stress response? If you want to work on your relationship, you need to be able to answer that question.
Speaker 1:If you cannot definitively tell me when you're in a stress response and how you can identify when you're in a stress response, that's where you have to start. The relationship work will come second. So, like tier one, what does it look like, sound like, feel like? When you're in a stress response, how do you recognize when you're dysregulated? So dysregulation and stress response are the same thing. How do you know when you're dysregulated?
Speaker 1:We need you to know when you're dysregulated so that we can find out if you're dysregulated in the presence of your partner just by them walking in a room. Then we want to ascertain if you are not in a stress response. When they walk into a room, are you in one? When it looks like they're about to talk to you about something and again, that can be the way they're sitting down, that can be um, nonverbal, um, body language, eye movement. They give you a certain look, there's a certain tone, um, and the way they're saying something that makes you go, oh, like, here we go again, they're about to blank. Those are all thoughts that are a response to your dysregulation. Right, when they walk into a room and they give you a certain look, your body produces a stress response and you go into a state of dysregulation and then the thought, oh, here it comes, pops into your head.
Speaker 1:The stress response is first, and so we want to get you really attuned to what the stress responses are, because you might not have the thought of, oh, it might just be a completely physical experience for you. So this is a really long way to answer that first question, which is if you've been with somebody in a relationship and you are having a stress response and are dysregulated just in the presence of this person and you've been living with them for years and years and years. Um, yes, over time that stress response becomes so habituated, it becomes like a muscle that becomes so strong and reflexive that it can take an immense amount of work to shift that response right. If you're using conscious tools, if you're saying, okay, when they walk in, I'm going to take a deep breath, which are great, those are great for spot treating, for calming you down in the moment. But and this is where the subconscious comes into play these stress responses and these habituated responses and the beliefs and thoughts that accompany them are really stored in your subconscious mind. And so if you're not actively working on changing the subconscious and again, guys, there's only three or four ways to actually scientifically change the programming that's in your subconscious. Three or four.
Speaker 1:So repeating mantras uh, repeating mantras isn't going to do it. Sitting in meditation isn't going to do it. Those are great for calming your nervous system, but they don't change the igniter that lights the nervous system. So think of your subconscious as the ignition. It's the igniter that lights the nervous system, response that gives you that dysregulation and then the thoughts that go along with it.
Speaker 1:So if you really want to change the responses you're having to your partner or vice versa, one you need to be in tune with what your stress responses are and what dysregulation looks like for you and feels like for you. If you haven't done that already, that's where you have to start. Looks like for you and feels like for you. If you haven't done that already, that's where you have to start. All of your own work should start there, because that's going to be able to give us baselines for how we respond to different situations, and then we can ascertain okay, this is a problem area, we need to look at it. I automatically go into a state of dysregulation when this person walks in the room or when I get an email from so-and-so, et cetera, et cetera. That's where you have to start.
Speaker 1:Then the second piece is going to be how strong is that stress response? Is it right when they walk into a room, whenever I see them, I have a stress response, or is it only in certain situations, when they're giving me certain cues and I'm thinking, based on the stress response, uh-oh, something's coming? We need you to be very attuned to your dysregulation and your stress response so we can figure out where the igniters are, what is lighting it and, over time, can we completely rewire this response? Yes, I think the biggest problem here is that people and couples don't realize how much work it is, and not how much work it is exactly, but they don't understand what to do. They don't understand the right components, the right ingredients, for the recipe of this is actually going to help us. And that's the biggest thing I see when working with couples is that they think, because they've been together for a long time and, like, know each other so well that they're they could skip the basics. They can skip the foundational steps, but they can't.
Speaker 1:And that's what keeps them stuck for a long time is that they keep sitting down trying to have the same conversation over and over again and it doesn't go well. And then the pattern strengthens and strengthens and so on and so on and becomes more deeply ingrained and habituated. And the problem is, for a lot of couples, one they don't know what dysregulation looks like for themselves and for their partner, right and so that that automatically overrules, for the most part, being able to have efficient, successful conversations If you don't know when you're dysregulated or when your partner's dysregulated. And the second one is they don't know how to actively listen. So if we can't do those two things and we can't do them really well we're going to have the same conversation over and over again and couples like are trying to sprint before they can even they've even mastered crawling right.
Speaker 1:If you don't know your own stress response and know when you're dysregulated and aren't able to pause a conversation and say I need to take five minutes to go regulate and know what to do in those five minutes to actually slow your heart rate down, to scientifically slow your heart rate down, then you don't know how to regulate yourself and you've automatically lost half credit for being able to have an efficient, effective conversation to help you break patterns with your partner. So that's, that's step one. And a lot of people can say, yeah, I would go, I can go think about what my response is going to be here I'll talk to a friend, those are not going to slow your heart rate down, like. So my point here is can we get to a place of no return with with our partners? Absolutely, how does that happen?
Speaker 1:We don't know what our stress responses are, we don't know when we're dysregulated and we become little hurricanes and tornadoes and situations and then we end up damaging our partner and damaging ourselves. And if we do that too often, yes, we can enter a sort of point of no return, where there is so much damage now collateral damage too that we're unable to pick up all the pieces. Yes, that absolutely can happen. That happens a lot, and then people live in, you know, collateral damage zones and they think that it's normal. We become a bit jointed to that.
Speaker 1:So here's the thing if you're unhappy with the way a dynamic's going whether it's with a romantic partner, a friend, a parent, a sibling, etc. You both need to learn these skill sets that are going to allow you to to crawling basically, and then you can learn how to walk together, jog together and sprint together. But most couples in my opinion, their biggest issue in relationships is they're trying to sprint when they haven't mastered crawling, when they have no idea how to identify when they're in a stress response or they're dysregulated, or if they do identify that, they don't know how to stop the dysregulation. And if they do know how to do it, they aren't using the tools to do it. They're still deciding to stay in the conversation and stay dysregulated, where, if you want to really learn how to crawl, how to master crawling the second, you or your partner get dysregulated.
Speaker 1:We stop the topic of conversation and we only focus on regulation. That's step one. If you're not doing that, if you're raising voices, if you feel yourself getting a stress response your stomach's dropping, your heat's rising, your palms are sweating, you feel that quote anxiety feeling or intense anger, things like that and you're responding to the emotion, you're responding to stress. You're raising your voice, your tone becomes clipped, you find yourself shutting down, not speaking up All of those different fight or flight responses. Then you're dysregulated and the conversation has to stop. You don't have proper blood flow to the part of your brain that you need To have an effective conversation at this point. That's where the conversation stops and regulation begins.
Speaker 1:And 99.9% of couples do not do that because they're used to each other's styles. They're used to their stress responses, even if they don't recognize them for what they are, and they try to fight on anyway. And that's exactly what it becomes A conversation becomes a fight and an argument when someone's stress response rises and we don't pause the topic of conversation and focus on regulation, but instead we press on into the conversation. Now we're in a fight and an argument. Our bodies are literally in fight or flight mode. We're not having an effective conversation from this place and again, over time, the more couples do that. They press on.
Speaker 1:That's when the damage happens and at some point, when that's happened too many times, you'll enter the zone of chaos, basically, where there's no coming back from the damage that's occurred. Um and that at that point it's often time to throw in the towel. Right and, and mostly, it's because they never learned what stress responses were, how to regulate themselves, didn't choose to regulate themselves in that conversation and didn't learn how to actively listen. So emotional regulation is just one piece of the I'm learning how to crawl part puzzle. The second part is active listening, which we will get into on our next mini-sode. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Stay tuned next week as we dive into another mini-sode focused on emotional regulation. If you can't wait for more, go ahead and check out my Instagram at coach underscore katie k, where you'll find some videos and some carousels that deep dive into this topic.
