Mid-Life Mayhem; A guide to functioning in your 40's & beyond
This podcast features us having candid conversations about how to navigate all things mid life, including:
- Relationships
- Mental Health - anxiety, stress, depression, grief, fears, trauma (including generational trauma), estrangement, aging, parental aging and more
- Nervous system care & daily practices
- Sex
- Perimenopause & Cycle syncing
Mid-Life Mayhem; A guide to functioning in your 40's & beyond
Food Was My Armor: Trauma, Shame & the Weight Story No One Tells
What if your “weight problem” was never actually about weight?
In today’s 1:1 episode, Derek gets radically honest about the connection between diet culture, shame, trauma, and survival coping—and how food became both comfort and armor long before he had words for what happened to him.
We talk about the part nobody wants to say out loud:
- how under-eating/starvation can feel like “discipline”… while quietly wrecking your brain, energy, and body
- how body dysmorphia isn’t about the mirror—it’s about the voice in your head
- why the scale can be “the same number” and your self-talk can swing from pride to disgust in seconds
- and what it looks like to stop chasing skinny and finally choose health first (even when it feels like war)
Derek shares his last two years of intense burnout, panic, and rebuilding… plus the moment that changed everything: a choice between “busy living or busy dying,” and the promise he made to his inner child to create a safe life—one real step at a time.
If you’ve ever felt trapped in the cycle of restriction → binge → shame → repeat, this conversation will feel like someone finally turned on the lights.
Content note: This episode includes discussion of childhood sexual abuse, disordered eating, body shame/dysmorphia, panic symptoms, and suicidal ideation references (not graphic, but direct).
Follow Derek’s journey (IG): @derekamcclure
Listen to the Jensen episode mentioned here for more context, then come back to this one for the full story.
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Katie Kovaleski:
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https://www.instagram.com/coach_katiek/
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Wavier & Release of Liability and Disclaimer: The information provided by the therapist(s) is not intended, nor is implied to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. The listener is advised to always seek the advice of their health care practitioner or other qualified health care provider with questions regarding medical conditions, or the mental health and welfare of the listener. I (listener) accept that Kathryn Kovaleski is not liable for any injury, or damages, to person or property, resulting from listening to this podcast.
What's going on? How's your week been?
SPEAKER_01:Uh wow. It's uh it's been um it's been a battle. Uh I've been I've been in the trenches for a while now. Um I'm exhausted. I'm like fried, honestly.
SPEAKER_03:What's what's happening?
SPEAKER_01:You're nail game lately.
SPEAKER_03:Like this yeah, it has a ribbon on it for Christmas.
SPEAKER_01:I was like, that's Christmas.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I love it. Anyway, um I don't know, it's it's just the whole uh the whole weight thing, basically.
SPEAKER_01:Thank God we did the balances because I'd be I probably jumped off a roof by now. But like um, so you know, when we started, I was 224. I went up to 226. And holy shit. But the thing is, I'm starting to learn something. Um yeah. I'm in it, but at the same time, I'm like, hell yeah, you're in it. Like, this is what you asked for. Like, fuck yeah, you you are in this war because you asked for it. Like, what a privilege it is to be here instead of just numb, wandering around by yourself.
SPEAKER_03:Like I'll starve myself into weight loss.
SPEAKER_01:Like, yeah, I know. I was like, instead of slowly killing yourself, you're gonna get through this. Like, like, I will crawl through the razor wire and I will get through the other side. I might be cut up and I won't be dead.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and the razor wire here is having to eat more.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's hard, it's hard because um, first of all, holy shit, it's so much food. And because I'm trying to eat nutritiously, and I have I've been able to, I'm finally over a thousand calories, and um, but every time I eat, and the good thing is I've already talked to Jensen about it, and and he he got me through it's like it took him a month to to finally be like, I can't eat because I'm looking at this food, I'm like, I'm disgusted, I don't want to eat, but I'll make myself do it. And um, and it makes me feel bloated. Uh, I went up to back up to 226, and uh then all all the all the voices started happening. I was like, you you're you're gonna be fat forever and no one's gonna love you. I'm like, check, no one's gonna love you. Like, I'm just hearing the things, and that's what I'm saying. Like, this is like everything's a win if you really think about it, no matter what you're going through. I'm like, okay, I don't want to be here, but if I'm gonna be here, I'm gonna pick out the good.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So I'm I'm I'm like, I'm like, all right, well, check. I need to work on that. And you know, um, you know, self-esteem. I have body dysmorphia like crazy. Uh, I didn't realize, I didn't realize it because I just automatically just think I look like a troll. And uh people say, no, you don't. I'm like, okay, that's nice. And then I just move on, right? But I noticed um I hit 226 right before my birthday, and that was my goal. And I remember looking at myself, feeling like, hell yeah, look at you. You're like I can see it, like you're doing good. Like I was like, it was all positive. And um, and then I went down to 224 the next week when we talked to Jensen when I started, and then I started eating again. I went back up to 226 a week later. I'm at 226, and I'm in there looking, I was like, You fat fuck, you look gross, you're like you're disgusting. Like, and I'm like, like I remember I just was praising myself for literally being at this weight, and this time I'm like, Gross, oh my god, I'm cussing way too much for a recording, but um no no that's okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:But but like that's such good data. Yeah, it's like this is not about what the scale says, it's really about like who I am in my head, yeah. Like, yeah, because that's a that's a savage weight loss coach in your head.
SPEAKER_01:It is, it's yeah, and I'm just like I'm not gonna bore you with all of it, but I'm I'm just like, holy shit, man, if someone was talking to me like this, like I would have buried them in the backyard by now. Like they're brutal. And uh, and it's it's been a war, it's it's been tough, but but I'm glad for the experience. I say that like I don't want to be here, but I will take what I can get out of it. And and that's mainly just because of the last two years, like looking back on that. I I wouldn't wish the last two years on anyone, but I'm coming back to Florida like reforged, like I'm not gonna be the same person.
SPEAKER_03:And um this is the work, yeah. And so, like, I think this is a really good example of how um we think we're doing a lot of work because we think about something a lot, or we've done it one way, etc., especially when it comes to losing weight. But like what you're doing now is the actual work, right? And so, like, we'll talk about kind of your struggle with your body and the dysmorphia and like disordered eating, um, for lack of a better term, an accurate term, and how that when we're finally faced with like what needs to happen to get healthy, we re rebel against it, right? Like, and I I love Jensen's approach with you because it's like you have to get healthy first. You have to earn the ability to lose weight in a way that's gonna be sustainable. And so, while in your head, right, your head is only based on your experience, and so it feels like the only truth, but I've done this before, and I know I just need to get down to here, and it's like, well, it wasn't sustainable, right?
SPEAKER_00:I went right back up, right?
SPEAKER_03:And so it's like, we're not, you're not doing this to lose weight, you're not right, doing it to get healthy, yeah. And it's a totally different thing, and it's going to take time, and that's why like I love that you have a year with him because it'll take that first quarter, that first trimester is really just about you burning out and this fight with this old voice in your head, and it will take that long.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, exactly. Um uh, yeah, I was talking to him, and it was good because and he just posted about it too. Um, where the the goal is not to lose the weight, because I'm focusing on that. And even when I'm walking, I'm like, okay, like I only want to walk two miles today because you know, oh, my hip hurts, whatever. But I'm like, is that gonna get me to my goal? Weight. And then we got to the end, and we're like, it's not about losing the weight, it's like I want to get to a 15-minute mile and just taking it completely away from the weight. And then and if I can make a 15-minute mile and I keep doing these things, the weight will just happen. And if I can just shift my brain, and uh I was telling him, uh like uh like I have a backpack on and I have like Yoda in the back, if you you know, Star Wars, whatever. And he's like, instead of speaking wisdom, he's just talking shit, like anything to just to keep me down, and it's just constant. And he's on me with the walks, he's he's with me when I wake up. And uh the good thing is I've been able to ignore him. I'm like, oh, that's cute, you know, keep talking, whatever. I don't care. And and it used to be that was that was everything I listened to, and now I'm like, I recognize you, you're there, I'll listen for clues of what I need to work on, but you're just you're just yapping. And yes, that's been that's been major.
SPEAKER_03:And you know what will happen next to the Yoda after your three-month mark or around there, you're gonna start feeling different, looking different, your cognitive functioning is gonna be different because your body's not starving anymore, and you're gonna have proof of this concept. Yeah, you're gonna have proof of the health concept, and when that happens, like the that that mean Yoda voice is gonna be stumped. Yeah, all it takes is us trying something and not quitting, usually for about three months, to get proof of concept. And then it's like, oh, touche. Yeah, I didn't know that could work. Oh shit.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I've lost some pounds, I put on some muscle, like I'm able to hit a 12 minute mile. I my thinking is clearer. You're gonna start to understand, and your your new personal evidence will be when I eat a normal amount of calories for my body, I I feel good. Yeah. And then it's like, okay, well, now we have our own personal evidence of this, run with it. You've never had that personal evidence because, like, could we say accurately you've never been healthy?
SPEAKER_00:Right, correct. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So, like, you don't have proof of that concept. And so this first trimester is is continuing to do the work, even if it scares you and you're frustrated and Yoda's yelling at you, because you need this proof of concept so you can believe what all of the data and the science is saying is true. Like you need to buy into that. You can't until you experience it.
SPEAKER_01:Right, right, yeah. I need I need to change my experience. Um, and it's so funny because I'm like, I'm so critical about my dad and everything. And and when he said that experience versus science thing, I was like, how dumb.
SPEAKER_03:And real when I realized why don't you explain what that was?
SPEAKER_01:Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. So, you know, talk talking to my dad about like how stress affects the body, trying to explain to him why I'm up here because he cannot, he cannot comprehend that I was sick at all.
SPEAKER_03:Um, and so if we if we walk back and I'll circle you back to this point, let's like we we dove right in, which I love. But if you guys remember, if you've been following along for a little while, you know, Derek was like my podcast co-host for a while when I was like doing it more consistently a few years ago. And then we stopped and we both kind of went on different trajectories. And so, like two and a half years ago, ish almost two years ago, he moved back to where he's from. And so talk a little bit about, and we're gonna circle back to the point that your your dad made in that conversation. But what happened two years ago when you moved back north? Like, where where were you at in your body, in your life, in your mentality? And like, like give us a synopsis of what the last two years have been.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. Um, so about three years ago, I started feeling um started feeling really run down. I was thinking I just had COVID. Um, I've had COVID four times as as far as I know, like probably more than that. Just the nature of my job.
SPEAKER_03:And uh what was your job? What were you doing? How often were you working?
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so uh I was a supervisor, I was in charge of about 85 drivers across Florida, uh Georgia, South Georgia, and uh South Carolina. And um and and it was it was a very stressful job to where um I would work an average, I mean 68, 72 hours a week. Uh, there was quite a few times that I hit over 80. Uh I've had I've even slept there before, just knowing like, I just gotta come, like it's not even worth me going home. I gotta get more sleep here. So that's how my mentality was uh at the time. I was taking on all this responsibility. Um and uh it was self-imposed most of it, uh, but self-imposed with a company who's like, yeah, we will suck all that from you, like keep doing that, ruin yourself because it's it's gonna it's good for us. And um it just it started to take a toll on me. And I again, because I don't I've never been healthy and even mentally healthy, I'm I'm just my body keeps saying, Hey man, you gotta you gotta pump the brakes here. Like you you go home and immediately go to bed, no matter what time you get to go home and sleep for as much as you can just to get up and come right back here. That was my life. Um yeah, and so three years ago that started, and I actually said, Hey, something's up, like I need to work from home. And I said, I was like, I think I have COVID, so I'm gonna start working from home, and it helped out a lot. Um, I was still working like 65, 70 hours a week at home, but I was getting actual work done, and um, that was feeling better. And then, you know, I went on vacation for two weeks and I was like, this is good, this vacation will help me when I get back. But when I got back, it got worse. And then a couple months later, you and I went out west for a month, and I was like, This is great, a whole month off. I'm gonna be so rested when I get back. When I got back, I tainted so hard. And I think it's because my body was like, Yes, yes, this is what you need. And I'm like, Cool, I'm going right back to you know, this abusive relationship basically. And uh, and it got so bad that I was um like my blood pressure would shoot up, um no one could figure out what was wrong with me. And and the doctors would say, it's just stress. And I'm like, and I am completely stressed uh all the time, I can't think straight, whatever. I'm not eating healthy, and um and I was frustrated. I was like, oh, okay, I guess I'm just gonna die from stress. Like I was just over it. Like I was, I was I was tired of like going to the doctor. I was like, we don't know, pay me$3,000. You know, I was over that. So um it just got to a point to where I couldn't um I was basically could not function. Like I don't remember those times where I don't remember driving home from work, like it's just not there. It's not like blanking out, it's like there's no memory of it. And um, and that that was pretty scary. Uh so I moved, so I had to quit my job.
SPEAKER_03:Uh like just to interject for a second, like what he's describing is like the heightened symptoms of like classic burnout. And this is like what happens when stress runs amok and there's no system of checks and balances for it. And I think like a lot of people feel different and various degrees of this in their life, especially in midlife and especially for men. And what's really fun about the podcast and stuff right now is that I'm I'm only interviewing and talking to and co-hosting with men. And so it's giving like a really unique perspective on this. But I think a lot of men in your position feel the same way. And then they turn to like other maladaptive ways to cope, right? They feel like they have to provide, we have to do this job. Like, I'm locked into this, we start drinking more. And at some point, something will give. And so I think what you're describing is like the height of that and realizing like, and we had a lot of discussions about it at the time where I was like, you have to quit this job. Like, this job is killing you, like it is killing you. And so that was about a little over two years ago, right? We October, November, two years ago, you hit that tipping point. So, yes, pick back up. You made the decision. I'm moving, I'm quitting this job. Like, nothing is worth this. Like, I'm I'm working to die. I'm like, and I'm killing myself. I'm not enjoying, yeah, I'm not like I'm not enjoying anything. I'm not like able to even like spend my money. I'm just miserable.
SPEAKER_01:Right, right. Yeah, I had no life outside of it. And uh yeah, and thank you for telling me all that. Because if you were not there to say this job's gonna kill you, it would have killed me because I wasn't because I was not listening to any of my signals. So, like to hear that outside voice uh say, look at you like you're gonna die.
SPEAKER_03:That uh you can always count on me for unsolicited. I don't know. My dad was on the podcast, and he's like talking about how when he got divorced, his brother was like, Well, yeah, like no shock, like you should have done this years ago, kind of thing. And he's like, Why didn't you tell me that? And and his brother was like, Well, that's not the kind of thing you you tell other people. And I'm like, Yes, it is. Like, if I see you working to death, like I I'm going to tell you, right? You know, come what may, like, I I think you're like on a trajectory that might end up killing you. Like, yeah, like you can you can count on that if you're friends with me. I'm gonna tell you you're gonna pump the brakes here, right?
SPEAKER_01:And and that's that's a true friend, like someone you're like, oh, she's always gonna tell me the truth. Like, so if she says something, listen, you know, and um, and that was huge, but um, so I moved back up to um to Kentucky or Indiana um to live with my sister for a bit, just so I didn't have any bills. I mean, I still had bills, but like no rent or whatever. And um I was like, I'll just do this for a couple months and that'll be fine. And for a couple months there, things were good. Um, and then your birthday came around. We went to the Bahamas, and that was literally the last time I felt kind of normal. Like even then, I was so totally exhausted, but but mentally I was so much in a better place already because as soon as I got here, I was like, oh fuck, I made a mistake. Like I did not want to be here. Um and I just just the energy of the place. I was like, this is not good. But I was like, but I'm gonna stick it, stick it out. And when I got back from the Hamas, it was like um three weeks later, I got so sick. Um and and I I couldn't get out of bed. Like I was I was in bed for like 20 hours a day. And for the other four, I was literally just laying there, just staring at the ceiling. And um, and from December, I have no, I have no recollection of my 48th birthday. I don't know where I was for Christmas that year. I don't remember anything from December to probably the end of March. Like there's just no memory.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and this, and this guy's is a really great time to point out like that he was in basically what your your nervous system based states when you're hitting chronic stress responses are fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and fatigue. And he was somewhere in a deep freeze and fatigue. And so when that happens, we tend to disassociate, we shut down, you're gonna have like no memories of different events, and that that is what chronic intense nervous system dysregulation looks like. And so you're in the middle of a deep freeze between December and what February, March.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. Um and and and around April, you know, I started coming back around, but um, but I I had to keep I kept going to the emergency room uh because I'm like I'm having a heart attack. Like I was just having the worst panic attacks, is all it was. But um, but I would get there and and my blood pressure would be like 180 over 140. And I'm like, well, I'm just a walking dead man. Uh and they're like, Yeah, but we can't do anything until you hit 200. I'm like, okay, so once again I'm being failed. Okay, bye. And I just left and I was like, I'll just die of a heart attack, I guess. And um, but I started getting better, and um how um I had a moment and it's so funny because it was the Bahamas. I have a little piece of coral right over here on my desk or on my um nightstand that um I found when I was looking at the most beautiful sunset out in the water, and dude, I'm I'm afraid of sharks, right? So and I'm out in the water, and it is getting dark, but I'm just so mesmerized. I'm sitting there and and I'm just watching that sunset, I was like, man, you gotta make a choice. Um I was like, are you just are you just gonna die or or do you know do you want to keep going? And when I turned when when I look around and the water is black, and I'm like, oh shit, that was the scariest walk. Like I was like, I'm just gonna get eaten right here. I guess I guess I chose death. But um, but as soon as I turned around and stepped, I stepped on a piece of coral and I picked it up, and it's and it's two pronged. Like it, I was like, oh my god, this is literally what I just talked about. I was like, I can either choose this side or this side. And I thought about that because it was sitting right by my bed um when I was sick in April, and I was just tired of the whole, like, this is getting me nowhere, going to the emergency room, just be sent back home with another$3,000 bill. And um I'd say, you need to, you know, get busy living or get busy dying because this limbo state, I'm just over it. And uh, so I decided to um to push forward. And um and honestly, your story about you going through these panic attacks, you know, before is literally what got me on the track. I was like, Well, she can do it, I can do it. Um so here we go. And um And it started really starting to listen to my body. And I and I got better to where, you know, between April and June, um, I improved so much. Um, which is terrible to say because in June I could barely still do anything. But I was like at death's door. There was a time I was really scared that like I was about to like write my daughter a letter and shit because I was like, I think I'm done. Like my body was shutting down, I could feel it. And um and it was scary, but uh, but I got through it and um I started getting better. I moved into my apartment, which I've been in for a year and a half now. The first time I've ever lived alone in my entire life, except for like two months. Yeah, that and and it's been wild, and it's uh that's it's been really weird to meet myself when I've been in my own safe space. Like who am I now with no one else around? Uh, but anyway, um, but just just to being able to accomplish that and then you know, finally getting a job where I could function, and um and and therefore while I was thriving, like I was like, all right, I'm on my way. And um, I had a trip coming up in um in October, and everything was about like I gotta get healthy to get on that trip. Like that trip is life right now. That's that's all I had to look forward to. And um, and I did it. I was I was able to go. We we walked, I was we were there for 12 days, and uh we walked uh an average of 11 miles a day. It was like 130 miles we walked, and and and we're drinking all along the way and everything, eating, but we're just going and I I've never felt I felt normal that whole time on that trip. And I got back and I was like, this is great. Uh I did it, I won. Um and uh did we stop there or do we go to the next part? I don't even remember why we're even on this.
SPEAKER_03:When you had kind of going through the trajectory of what happened that led you up to like what you've been doing for the last two years and like where you're at now, and so and so yes, yeah. And like I also want to point out that the trip was like your goal, right? And it's very similar to like I want to get to the 15-minute mile. Yeah, yeah, and it's like continuing that no matter what happens, and continuing to reset the goal, right? It's always like what's the next thing, but aside, so yes, you come back from that trip, yeah, and and the trip trip was really was very healing.
SPEAKER_01:It was um, it was to Spain and uh it had a lot to do with my mother and and some stuff or whatever, but it was a very emotional trip for me, and uh it was very healing, and it's felt really good by the time I came back. Um worked through a lot of stuff, and uh I was like, okay, well, it's time. I think I'm gonna I'm ready to go back to Florida, like because this place is I I hate it here, but um and and at that moment it was it was like okay, I'm feeling good, and and right then I get rear-ended uh by this old man who looks about the same age as my dad, looks like my dad, in a truck like my dad. I'm like, oh well, I mean, there's there's something going on here. But um, a guy who obviously should not have been driving, and you could tell by his face, he looked at you could see his face like, oh, I'm in trouble. Like, I'm I'm not supposed to be out here driving. I was like, damn right, you're not, because it um he hit me going 55. I was stopped at a red light and he came overhill, he just wasn't looking. And he he got he got scared or or startled, so he slammed the brake on, but instead of hitting the brake, he hit the gas. So I saw that truck pick up, and when I saw it pick up, like, oh my god, I'm like gonna get rammed. Um, I tensed up, and uh he hit me and it just wrecked my arm. It it messed it up. I lost um all ability in my arm for months, and um and and and it's funny because this is like beginning of December, like literally a year before when I started like not even having memories or whatever. I'm like, oh my god, here we are one year later, and this is happening. I'm ready to go. And and life was like, more lessons for you. So um you're not ready. And um, I've been dealing with that, and and I'm back to um I'm pretty much back to good with my arm. Like I could pick up 20 pounds or whatever, but the thing is, my job, I I I had to be able to lift like uh 50 pounds or whatever, and I just could not do it. And um uh so I've just been healing this whole time and um and went physical therapy and just didn't let it get it down. I just kept saying, I was like, you know what? Um you you got through last year, you can get through this year. Like it's whatever. But I was I was like, all right, universe, like can we chill out a minute, you know? Um, but I'm pretty good now. But uh it's it's just been a weird, hard two years. And um like I said, I I would not once we ever go through that again, I would never wish that on anyone else. But now that I'm here, I'm very grateful for it, which is a weird thing for me to even think. Or maybe it's not, I don't know. But like I don't know, I've learned so many lessons of what I'm capable of doing. Um uh like I said, I'm coming, I'm coming back reforged. I've been like this in fire this whole time. And um, and I will say one thing that I uh I did love about my job is I was like you you know me probably better than anyone else, but you've never even seen me at work. You don't know who that that person is a completely different person, like you have no idea. And uh, and I'm a bulldog, like not in a bad way, but like in like, nope, this is what I want and this is what I'm gonna get. Like, um, you know, I I remember one time someone came in to the office and I was the only one there, and she just looked up at me. Uh, she was for sales, she looked at me and laughed. And she's like, I already know the answer. I was like, yep. And she left because she already knows, like, he's the wrong person to ask because he's he's not gonna, he's not gonna let me abuse his drivers basically. And um, and and that part of me I absolutely loved, but it was at work where I guess it was lower stakes, or because like this is not my life, this is a role I'm playing over here, so I can be the person I want to be. I guess I don't know. I'm I'm still trying to figure this out, like why I cannot be that person outside. But the good thing is I'm starting to see some of that come into my personal life now, and I'm really excited about that. And that's why I'm that's why I'm excited um or grateful that I went through this uh this experience.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, 100%. Like I think there's like this, it's so metaphorical too, and it's like going home, or you can't go home again, or you have to go back home to rectify something. And it was like this journey back home, I think for you, where ultimately like you faced things that you had been hiding from, right? Like when we're in a constant state of fight or flight all the time and our stress levels are that high, like we can look at it metaphorically and be like, what are you running from? What are you keeping yourself in such a chronic overfunctioning state so that you don't have to stop and look at what? What are what is it? What's under your bed metaphorically? Who are you scared of? What is it? And I think a lot of that lived at home for you. And so I think like going back there and standing still, you know, as opposed to kind of coming in for a visit, swooping back out, you ran from there a long time ago, right? And so, and so in a lot of ways, you just never stop running.
SPEAKER_01:Uh, yeah, absolutely. And that that is that is the part that that that reforged me was was that um, you know, I um I was looking for a job here and my dad, my dad is is uh disabled um and um a very difficult man. So he he cannot get out of his own way to get help. Um uh I see a lot of myself in him. He is he is my my mirror of like this is where you're gonna go if you don't get your shit together, basically. And um, I spent more time with my dad uh this past year than I have in my entire life. Uh he's never been like from the beginning. I've he's always been like, oh, there's the guy who just makes things awkward when when he comes in. I've never even thought about him as my dad. I've always looked for other male role models uh in my life because I'm like, I'm learning nothing from this guy. I just kind of wish he would leave. Um and uh I have a little more sympathy, a little more grace for him now, but it's just been pure anger my entire life for him. And um, but just spending time with him and and just watching him try to navigate life has been really eye-opening. And I'm like, oh, this guy can't help it. Like he just like he didn't, it wasn't that he didn't like me, he just didn't know what to do with me because he has no emotional intelligence whatsoever. And I wasn't into the things he was into, so he's like, Well, I don't know what to do. So we just kind of ignored each other, and um but having conversations with him, I've learned I've learned so much about my family, about him this whole time. Um I've learned I don't like the guy, but um, but it but it was nice, but I kind of forgive him basically. And um and and not only that, just I'm just looking at the generational trauma that's been passed out of me. I'm like, oh, my whole thought process comes from this, and um, and being able to recognize that has allowed me to listen to myself more. Like I said, when Yoda's up back there yapping, like I'm like, oh, got it. I'm gonna write that one down. Like I know what to work on here. And and and just to see with my entire family here, and I'm like, this is not this is a bad place for me. And um, but I'm glad I'm here to realize that. And uh, and and you know, some things I need to work out, uh uh other than that, just in in my hometown that I call the city of ghosts because the place is haunted to me. And uh and I was able to uh to work out some things there. And and the one thing uh I will say I was able to reconcile um just being able to uh to go back to where something really bad happened and basically where my childhood ended. Like my childhood died there. I went to that exact same spot. I sat there and I just imagined myself as a as a kid there, and um and I just sat there a little while and I was like, it's safe, it's okay. Like it's time to come out of the woods. And uh it took a while, but finally, like, like I could just feel it, like he's like, alright, let's go. He just crawled up on me, I grabbed it and went.
SPEAKER_00:And um that was that was a really scary thing to do.
SPEAKER_01:But ever since then, everything I do now, it's just like anytime something comes up, it's like, well, like I don't want to do that. I was like, well, it doesn't matter. Like you made a promise, you told this kid it's safe, so I have to keep it safe. So there's no you know, blowing off or whatever. I have to keep, I gotta keep making myself better. I gotta make a safe space for him.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, absolutely. And it's like, thank you for sharing that. And it like everyone has an origin story, right? Where especially like if we've been through trauma or we're reliving patterns that aren't healthy or we've never been healthy, right? Where we wear what we've been through. Our body is showing and bearing the brunt of like all the emotional pain or trauma we've been through, there's always like an different origin points, right? And so that I think spending time with your dad and and being still with him and confronting that, and then going back to like the woods and confronting like the an origin of a very traumatic experience is like that closes the loop, right? It's like if I can stand in the presence of the thing that I have been fearing that has held all of this power over me emotionally, mentally, physically for so long. If I can stand in the presence of that and face it and then walk out and choose what's gonna come next, like I'm closing this loop. And then what comes after that is all up to me. Like I can be free now. And so that was like when you, when I I think I told you a couple of years ago, I'm like, you need to go back home. Like I just you need to move back home. Like there's things you don't want to, but like there's things there for you. You have to do this. And it's it, those moments in this last two years, like you you don't have to run anymore. Like we're not running. Like we can be still, we can make choices that feel good for us, we can figure it out. And so I think you're at the perfect time to be starting this journey of health for the first time in your life, right?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely. Uh, yeah, yeah. I would, I would probably have given up by now already. If like me, even from two years ago, when when I thought I was like, I've never been healthier than I am right now, uh, mentally at least, um, like that guy would have gave up already. Um, it is it's crazy. Like now I've like I said, I've I've been this these last two years, like and now I'm just like um every day I'm like, just do it. It's not gonna kill me. Like nothing kills me. That's why I keep saying it. I've like, I've stared, I've stared death in the face. Like I literally thought I was gonna die. And I was like, so you didn't, you're still here. So every day is like one more day you thought you weren't gonna have. What are you gonna do with it? Like, are you just going to be like your dad and just go ahead and just be basically dead, but just still breathing? No, I'm going to I'm gonna do what I need to do to become the best version of myself I can and uh and provide myself and my inner child a safe space to be in. And like, and and I say it every day, I was like, nothing kills me. And um anytime I do anything, it doesn't even matter. Like, and things are it's it's so wild because things are so easy now that would like feel like it was destroying me before, and and just that that that feeling, uh, and I correlate that with, oh, this is what's gonna be when I'm healthy too. Like when I don't have brain fog and I'm not starving myself or whatever. And um I was like, I'll be able to like make decisions easy that were so hard before. And um, like I I never used to have boundaries. I was always like, you know, like oh, it's okay, you know, whatever, you know, whatever, and just be a people pleaser. Now I just like boundaries all over the place. And uh yeah, people are gonna handle me when I get back. I don't know because because they're like, I don't understand who this person is because like he says no all the fucking time. And feels great.
SPEAKER_03:And I think too, and you're mentioning like, so let's talk a little bit about like the actual body part, the dysmorphia part, your journey with your body and with gaining weight and losing weight over the course of your life, kind of what you've learned and how this is really a turning point, right? This is like your piece of coral, like you're you're going left when you've always gone right before. And I think tying that into, and you're mentioning brain fog. Well, we we want to speak to the piece about how, like, one, there's a ton of like obesity and weight bias in our country and in our world, right? Two, we want to talk about how plenty of people who have or want to lose weight are starving themselves and not losing weight, they're under-eating. And that sounds like counterintuitive. And it's like, what do you mean? And I think you're like a perfect example of that journey. And I think it's so important. And I think the third piece of that is men's mental and emotional and physical health, right? You hear a lot of women, you see a lot of stuff about like women not liking their bodies and wanting to be different. And I think that we don't consider that men also feel that way and have body insecurities or have body dysmorphia and they just don't verbalize it and they don't talk about it. And so you're at a point, and I'll let you kind of fill in the trajectory and timeline of your relationship with your body and what you've gone through. Um, but you're at a point now where you're choosing that left path and your first phase of this, he's he's working with Jensen. Jensen was just on the previous episode of the podcast. If you haven't listened to that, jump back and then they're gonna be on together next week. But when Jensen did kind of an assessment with Derek and decided to like partner with him on this like 12-month journey, it was like not a weight loss journey, right? So Derek, like, there's a Jensen has a qualifier where it's like kind of a one-off, kind of a month-long thing, a six-month package for people who are already healthy and who are ready to lose weight or change their physique in some way, and then a 12-month for people who have to get healthy first. And weight loss will end up being a byproduct of that, but it's not the focus. And so things like anchoring down with goals of I want a 15-minute mile, I want to get rid of brain fog the first three months or so, the first trimester is helping Derek eat more and take enough calories. So his body functions optimally and his brain functions optimally. So you're looking for increased energy, increased like uh resilience and ability to do more physical activity, decrease in brain fog, increase in cognitive functioning and focus. And so those are the goals you're really working on now. And like we started the episode with you talking about jumping into like it feels like war, right? It feels like you're at war because let's kind of circle back to like your relationship with like food and your physique and what that trajectory over the course of your life has been like for you.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. Um all right, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So all right, so um it's kind of hard to talk about without talking about it, but you know, I'm just gonna go ahead and talk about I've already broke the seal. Um, so yeah, I um I was abused my pretty much from there's not a memory before me of being abused, um, so from the earliest age, uh sexually abused, and um uh not even by one person, but it was like by several people that were not even related. And and I always thought, what what is it about me that I keep getting picked? So from a very early age, is I was like, I'm going to uh and I just remember people saying, Oh, you're so cute, or whatever. I got big eyes, and like they were like twice as big and like in a tiny head right now. So like everybody thought I was adorable, and and I started taking that as a negative, and um I'm like, all right, well, then um I'm gonna eat. Also, eating makes me feel good, and eating makes me fat. And fat was my emotional armor. If I'm not, I was like, maybe they keep picking me because they think I'm like adorable or whatever, and uh, and you know, this is a child thinking, so um, so yeah, I was like, was it was that like a conscious thing for you?
SPEAKER_03:Do you remember thinking like, I want people to stop like touching me, abusing me? I'm going to eat, or was it more like in hindsight, you can observe like these things happen. And then at this age, I started just eating more and it made me feel better. And then it also gave me that kind of physical armor.
SPEAKER_01:Kind of kind of mix up both. I didn't have the words or the really knowledge of what I was doing. I just knew when I was eating, I felt safe. So it's when I felt safe and don't know why or whatever. The time uh looking back, I was like, Oh, that makes sense now, but like, but that's what it was, and uh and I uh so I put on my emotional armor, whatever, and um and it still didn't work.
SPEAKER_03:Uh that that time this is like if we go by ages, so like you're putting on that emotional armor, how like where are we at, like in your age range, or like like drop us into like high school?
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so about high school, um it was already over. Um, but but the weight gain started when I was like maybe seven. Okay, as I remember, that I would sneak, uh I would sneak food all the time. Um uh my this is so embarrassing. My my dad will still talk about it, how he found chicken bones up in up in where um in the air conditioning vent, because I would like go get all the chicken and bring it in my room and just secretly eat and then just stuff the bones up there. Um, you know, instead of the trash can, but I'm seven. So whatever. But um, you know, just just that and and it was just soothing all the time. And and I was like, this is great. No one, you know, uh I look no one's calling me cute anymore or whatever. I feel safe, I'm good. And um, but it it like I said, it didn't really work because then like um the final act was when I was 11 in the woods or whatever, just a random person. Um I I'll go ahead and say it. Uh, but uh I was um I'm just gonna say I was abused, whatever. And um, but something switched in me right then. Uh something switched in where it was it was literally a all right, I had a gun on my head. Um I was forced to like perform sexual act or whatever. And um, and at that moment, I was so dumb with life, I was like, if this was what life's gonna be, then fuck it. And um, and I was like, so he's gonna take me out, I'm gonna take this farker with me. And um, and right when I was about to act, um, which I thought was the like the last day, like my last moment of life, and I didn't even care, but like some he got spooked and ran off. And I just sat there and um and you know it took me a while, and then finally I just got up and ran. I just ran straight home. And the problem is I was probably 50 feet away from the four other boys that were with me, and they had no idea. I don't know if they had any idea what was going on or whatever, but like I ran straight past them. As soon as I ran past them, they ran with me. And I just remember all five of us running and no one saying a thing. And pretty much I never spot spoke to those guys anymore, like after that. And um, but everything changed for me that day, and that that's where I switched from um the the emotional armor thing is not working, and uh, so what I'm gonna do, I'm just gonna have to fight for the rest of my life, and uh that brought that's when the anger started.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah. And so then you know, you move into like middle high school, like you have like a dual protection system, which is still like food, which is still physical, which is then also adding in fighting and aggression and feeling like the need to protect yourself beyond just the food and the physical padding. And then you in high school began dating somebody that you ended up marrying.
SPEAKER_01:Uh yeah, after high school. And um so what happened, this is where the food comes back in. It was right before we actually got together. Um I was finally able to get therapy, like at the the end of my senior year. Um, my mom really pushed for it, and um and and that was the first time I talked to somebody, and it was a male person, and so I'm already like, I'm not even about you. So I wish I it doesn't matter, but like it was towards the end, like, okay, we're almost done, but now we just broke through, which is a kind of a shame. But uh, but I just remember having all that anger and it all the terrible things I did to so many people uh during that time, um uh just switched from extreme like anger to extreme shame. And uh and when that happened, here came the weight again. I'm like, well, the anger didn't work, so I guess we're back to the emotion.
SPEAKER_03:I went from external, like the display of anger into internal. The shame is super internal, and so then your process for soothing yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Like right at that time, um uh I I ended up with the person I ended up marrying, and uh so I'm still skinny at the time, but that was a really bad marriage. And um, I basically married my dad, um, as we do, you know. Um, you know, what what parent do you have problems with? Marry that person and continue those problems. So um, so through that, I um yeah, I started started eating again. Um, you know, she kept pregnant. I became a dad, and then once I was dad, I was like, well, there's my focus. Like I just remember then I'm like, um, I'm gonna put all my attention into her, but it didn't stop the emotional eating.
SPEAKER_03:Um so what did that look like for you? Did it did it come and go in phases? Was it like a year or two at the beginning of like rapid wake-in and you kind of maintained it? Like, what was the the flow of it for the for the for the marriage? If you were married, what you were married for what 17 years. 17 years. So in that time of 17 years, what was that flow with like gaining weight, losing weight, eating, hiding? Like, what did that look like?
SPEAKER_01:It was um, it wasn't as bad at first. It was basically however we were in the marriage was like you could tell like things are really bad when I got a lot of weight on me. And uh and then you know, things are not so bad. Uh when I started losing, because I would, I would fluctuate. And um and I just remember like when when I really fit realized that I was like emotionally eating again was the moment that I not only realized I did not love my wife, I didn't even like her. And it was just one moment, and and I was like, oh no. And I was like, what am I gonna do? And I started making excuses. I'm like, I was like, well, I can't leave because you know, I'm a kid or whatever. It it was it was I couldn't leave because I was scared. Like, you know, this is this is the hell I know, so I'll stay here.
SPEAKER_03:How many years into that marriage was that?
SPEAKER_01:Uh 10. 10 or yeah, I think 11. And um, so it was a good long time after that. And um, and that's where I got up, I got up to 357 pounds. Um it it was I don't even know how it was functioning. I didn't have I had three shirts I could wear because I couldn't find any other clothes. Um and you know, I remember one time my wife had a function to go to, and I need I was supposed to go with her, but I couldn't find a suit, so I just didn't go. We didn't go. And and I remember her being so mad at me for that, and I'm like, well, rightfully so, but you know, um and and and it took and I remember 357 um completely because I was like, oh, 357, like the gun I'm gonna use and shoot myself. That that's why I remember that. And I was like, well, you gotta fix this. And um, so I started um and I said, you gotta fix this for your daughter, not for me still. You you know, I was like, you you can't be like this for her. So I probably got down to probably around 300.
SPEAKER_03:But so what did you stop doing in that time or start doing right? Because we're we're basically tracing your trajectory with how you would gain and lose to say, like at this point now in your life, we're focused on you getting healthy. And so all of those habits are out the window. But like what in in that moment when you're like, okay, I have to do this. What did you either give up or what did you add in as your own sort of like self help at losing weight?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I got you.
SPEAKER_01:Um I don't know, I kind of went into like a resentment, like it was almost like instead of me eating, because I mean, it was to the point where I would drop my kid off at at school and drive 30 minutes away into Winter Park to Krispy Kreme and get a dozen donuts, and I would hide those in in the couch, you know, in the office and secretly eat. Here I am, like hiding the chicken bones again, basically. And um, and that's how I got up to that weight. But then I was like, no, I'm not gonna do this. And I was like, I gotta fix this, and it's and it's all her fault, you know, and and so so so fuck that person. And then I was like, I was like, I don't even like her anyway, so I'm just gonna be mean to her. I was a terrible husband, like, like we ended up divorced, she left me, and and um, and I have no ill will towards her because she should have left me a long time ago. I should have left, but uh, you know, when you look back at the time, I was like devastated or whatever, but now I'm like I see all everything that that I was doing in there, and uh bless per se as long as she did, really. But um, but it took that, it took that to move because I was just I was mean. I was I was mean to her. Um, not in in a I'm gonna be mean to you like the way you make me feel, basically. So we're just mean to each other.
SPEAKER_03:Right. And do we see the the parallel, right? Like from high school, we went from having that externalized anger into internalized shame when we started eating, and the same thing happened in the marriage, right? So your association between like changing your weight is really about going from internal shame to external anger. And even like we're seeing that come up now with like it, we're on the path to getting healthy, and you're like, it feels like war, right? Because healthy for me means like I'm not internalizing shame anymore. I'm not eating it. And so, like, I'm externalizing there's anger here. And so part of it therapeutically is like getting rid of the anger and separating it from health and from weight, because it was like, who am I punishing now? I'm punishing myself, but also soothing when I'm eating, right? And I'm now I'm gonna punish her. If I can't eat, someone needs to be punished, right? And so part of like with getting healthy is just getting out of the cycle of anger, shame, and punishment. Yeah. What you're describing is at that 10-year mark, being like, Okay, I'm gonna do this for my daughter, but I also am like gonna start being mean to my wife. If I can't eat, like you're gonna feel like my wrath, basically.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Did you go into like starvation at that time? Or like what were you doing?
SPEAKER_01:Uh no, I was just I was just not taking the trips out to get a dose and donuts every day, but I was still secretly eating. Um, but I had calmed it down. And the secretly eating was was like my vengeance. Like when I say I was like being mean to her, I would it wasn't it didn't feel like anger at the time, but it just felt like like I'm gonna like I'm gonna make you feel the way you make me feel, basically. And so I'm just gonna um like mentally hurt you instead of like just like because I was like, I'm not gonna like physically hurt you or whatever. Like just so much shame behind all that. So I'm not gonna do that. So I thought this was better, which in hindsight seems worse now, or just as bad.
SPEAKER_03:But um And for you, was that like passive aggressiveness or like ignoring? Yeah, like sort of a shutdown.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, passive aggressiveness. Um, you know, I I remember one time saying uh to her, uh, yeah, we just need to find you a different husband or a new husband. I'm like, who wouldn't leave? Like she should have left me right there, you know what I'm saying? I was like, who says that? But you know, it's just that that kind of gross.
SPEAKER_03:But even hearing it though, it's like, oh like it, like I know to you that's like so that was like so savage, but it like to me, it's kind of like, oh, like, okay, you're hurting, and I'm sure it probably bounced right off of her, but honestly, right?
SPEAKER_01:Well, yeah, but I I still think about that all the time. Um, but um, but yeah, I was just I was just hurting and I didn't I didn't know what else to do but defend myself.
SPEAKER_03:I was just trying to myself, yeah, it was it had to be the pain and anger, whatever had to be internalized or externalized, and so you got out of the shame. And so for the health part of it, the weight loss part, you just stopped going and getting the donuts, right? And so then you were you picked up, you were on 300.
SPEAKER_01:You said at one point Yeah, I'd say by the time, yeah, by the time um uh we separated, I I was probably about yeah, probably about 290, 280, something like that. I was still coming down a little bit, uh out of no effort, just not like stuffing myself, basically. And um uh and then we separated and I went into like a deep depression. And um one thing that really started getting the weight off is I was I would go to the gym and I need I I was so low, I just need the dopamine that I would do uh a half marathon every single day on the elliptical. And on Saturdays, I would do a full marathon, like I was just there all day. Saturday that's all I would do, and um and that helped uh start bringing the weight off. Um, I wasn't eating because I didn't want to. Um I started okay.
SPEAKER_03:So would that be the first time that you can remember of like starvation mode? Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I was just like, I just I just don't want to. It wasn't about weight loss either. I was just like, I just don't feel like anything, like I don't I just don't want to eat. Um I didn't drink my entire marriage. Um and uh it wasn't even by choice, that was just the rule. And um, so of course, like now I'm single, I'm gonna start drinking. And uh my goal at the time was uh I'm just gonna soothe myself, I'm just gonna drink and you know do drugs or whatever, uh, and and just one day just not wake up. That was the plan. And that's how I was able to rapidly lose. I went from like 280 to 180, like within a year, like a hundred pounds gone. And I was not healthy at all, but I thought I was because it's like I've never looked this good or whatever. I can like finally wear clothes once.
SPEAKER_03:So many times, like I was not healthy, right? But I was skinny, and so it was like this is so that's like been your only taste ever of like what you were defining that point as like good. We're not gonna say healthy, even at that point you probably knew you weren't necessarily healthy, but it was like this is good, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And um, that was about that time. That's when uh uh that's when we met, uh is around that time, and um and you know, things were going good for a while, and uh like the the drinking went from something like the motivations keep changing. It is funny because the motivation was at the time is like you just you numb yourself out, uh, and this is probably gonna be your your coward's way out of life, and uh to where like well now I'm just having fun because I'm being social for with people for a while, and and it was it actually went from a really bad thing to a good thing. Um and so you know, moderation started coming in, not not as much as should have, but like, but it it slowed down a lot, and um it um and then I met somebody and because um because this is what you're supposed to do in life, is like you know, you can't be alone, you're a loser, whatever. So um I met somebody who I was not even really into, but but they were into me, and uh you know what I hate saying this, uh but I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. Um I've never pursued anyone in my entire life. The the women who are ended up in my life have just come inserted themselves into my orbit, and it's like we're together now. I'm like, okay. Um, so even even when when I got married, uh when I asked my then girlfriend, I was like, what do you want for Christmas? She's like to be engaged. I was like, okay, well, then I guess I'll go get your ring. And then um, and then six months later, we were married. Um, so like I was like, whatever, like this is life, this is what I do. And and I've just been coasting through. And so here was just another one of those examples. So, well, she's into me, don't know why, but um, but I guess you know, I'm tired of being alone. And uh, and I hate saying this because when I realized this, I was like, I've used so many people in my life, not realizing it, like I realize it now, and it just feels really gross. But like uh it was so totally unfair to even get with this person because but even at time I was like, well, maybe it'll grow into something, and and it did not. And um, there was a point in there where I was like, I know this is over. And pretty much close after that, I ended it, which was the first time in my life that I was like, oh my god, I finally did something right.
SPEAKER_03:And uh, of course, she didn't think so, but um and over that that span, so you're going into that relationship, you're like 180. Like, did you start gaining weight as you got in that relationship?
SPEAKER_01:And that and that's when that's when it happened. Like, I I started gaining weight again. Um, I I also got a promotion at my job, um, and that's when the real stress started happening. And uh, I was like, I I gotta make changes because the weight's coming back on, which means something's wrong.
SPEAKER_03:Uh how did your food behaviors change like in that relationship? And then did you start eating more? Was it noticeable to you? Were you hiding food again? Like, what did you notice happen?
SPEAKER_01:Um, I don't think I was really hiding food uh because there was no one to hide it from. Like I was completely, you know, whatever. Um, but I uh like when I would get off work, I would I would stop at Longhorn every on the way home. Um, this is like at the last year, like it was on the way home, I would stop, and I would pick up a steak and potatoes and bread every single night. That was just my meal, whatever. I was making enough money where it didn't matter. Like you I'll just buy steak every night, whatever. But it was it was the same path every day to but before I got to Longhorn, I stopped at the 7-Eleven and got uh pretty much two two 20-ounce IPAs. This this was this was me every night. I'm like, I'm drinking 40 ounces of beer, eating steak, potatoes, and bread every night, and that's when it started blowing up and no exercise, except for like at work, I'd probably I probably average about five to seven miles walking. So I thought I was okay with exercise, but I'm like eating thousands of calories and drinking thousands of calories and then immediately going to bed and getting up and doing it again. And that's when that's when I started really blowing up.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Okay. And so the like the correlation and the pattern is pretty clear, right? Like food and safety, and if you're in an unsafe situation, and I think at that point, like relationship, any kind of intimate relationship felt unsafe.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:It was like, I don't want to do this. So how did I get here? Right. So there's so much there for like a different podcast episode talking about relationships and like how do I know when it's right? Well, we know when you know it's wrong. So start there. Like, nope. Okay. Um, and so that that kind of led you into the end of that relationship hitting a certain way. And then did you lose again? Did you were you just kind of in the same trajectory for the last couple of years?
SPEAKER_01:Uh no, this this was. This was kind of close to the end before I moved up here. And um, you know, I had a few good years there where I was like, you know, I got up to like 210 or whatever. Um, but it was nothing bad, like pretty much anything under 220, like I didn't feel morbidly obese, so I was like, I'm okay here, whatever. But uh, yeah, as soon as I was sorry, hit about 220, which is probably four years ago, I'm thinking. It was like right around COVID. And uh yeah, and then I got up to about 250. And then when I came up here, I got even another 10 pounds because like I literally was not moving. Um and and and so whatever calories I was eating was just sitting on me basically. And um, and and I'll just been that, and then when I decided I was like eat, you know, either live or die or whatever, I was like, I live, so I've been trying to lose weight since then. Um and with some effect, like I got down to 245 um a couple months ago. I was at 245 uh since last another 20 pounds since then, but and and I'm feeling really good about that. Just and I'm feeling really good about that because of how I did it. Uh you know, uh I was up there for your birthday. Um, I saw pictures of myself and I was like, good God, why do you look so gross? Like you look like a tick about to pop. And I was disgusted with myself, which you know, of course that's the negative, but like let me let's let's turn it around. Let's like, well, let's let's get healthy. You don't want to be that person. And um so immediately when I came home, I just I hit the ground running. And and I realized then I was like, but this is so much easier now because again, I'm like nothing's killing me. I'm I'm back to like nothing's killing me because I've I've already healed that part of me. Um I was like, so we're just gonna do it. And so I've actually felt for the first time I'm saying, I'm gonna get healthy. Uh, and I actually believe myself. Uh, because I lie to myself all the time. Um, most of the time I don't realize it, but sometimes I do. And this time I was like, oh my God, you're really not lying. Like, you're gonna do it. And but now I'm getting to that point, like this is perfect time for Jensen to come in because I'm getting to that 220 point to where now like it's gonna start getting harder. Like, you're gonna have to like really get healthy, like there's no unhealthy way to get here. Like, I need the weight off and I need to keep there because I'm 50 years old, also. I cannot afford to go. If I went back up, I'm I will be dead.
SPEAKER_03:So, yeah, yeah. And it's like for everybody listening, and I know like I I like what's happened in the last couple of years and like the the health space because we're we're recognizing like weight gain and excessive weight and obesity as like a medical crisis, right? It's a diagnosable disease. Like this is a thing. And so I think that's really helpful because it's creating all these different options for support that we didn't have before. Like, but for example, with you, because you had been under-eating, like going into starvation mode to try to lose the weight, the threat of eating more was felt very real. It's like I can't, I can't do that. If I eat more, I will gain weight. It's that's like your automatic this plus this equals this, and there's no other room, despite how much science says otherwise, right? And I think if you didn't have the support of Jensen, you would have stayed in that starvation mode trajectory where you're not able to gain muscle because you're only consuming 800 calories a day, which is like very, very, very, very low. Like you're gonna have less stamina, less energy, you're gonna have brain fog, you're not gonna feel good. And so it's like, yeah, we might end up skinny, but we're not gonna feel good. And then if we ever decide that that's not working or we want to feel good, we're likely gonna start rapidly gaining weight again. And so I think working with him is the support that you've always needed. And I think now you're ready for it, right? And so you'll push through the first three months, he's he's slowly and strategically, and we'll talk about this in the next episode, like moving Derek's caloric intake up to what's considered like a healthy baseline, but in a slow methodical way. So his body can start to adjust to that. I think you're gonna end up reaping and feeling so many amazing benefits from getting enough calories that you didn't know, like you probably don't remember what that felt like, right? Um and the right kind of calories. And so it's gonna be really fun to watch this transformation happen because it's not about getting skinny, it's about getting healthy, and those are two very different things. And on the back end of it, not that this is part of your trajectory, but for those of us that have struggled with weight and the emotional part of it and all of that stuff, like sometimes our brains are wired a little bit differently after this path, right? So I think getting up to a healthy amount of calories, getting your body to where you want it to be, but knowing there's like a fail-safe now because we have so many medications and cool support systems where it's like, oh, I'm starting a relationship, I'm having the urge to start binging and eating more and doing these things. Like now you have like emotional support through him, you'll have medicinal support if you need it. And so there's fail-safes to say, like, wouldn't it be nice to learn how to show up and like be in an intimate relationship and be able to feel satiated and not use food to soothe and that stuff? And I have emotional support and cognitive support from a nutritionist um and a professional. And I also have the option of medication if I need it so that I can stay at a healthy amount of calories and not go too far, right? Because there's a fine line between like your modes were starvation or binging.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Right. And so you're creating like a normal baseline. So I'm super excited to watch this unfold. And like, like he and I have talked and we're like, oh, it's gonna be so cool. And like Derek hits this point and he says this, or he's like doing this, because it's like you're confronting this and it's it's not easy, it is hard, right? Or coming out of like decades of disordered eating and body dysmorphia, you're talking about for the first time all of the stuff, right? So part of like this is like hiding, right? We want to hide under big clothes, we want to hide under a layer of of fat and hide under extra calories, and like you're exposing yourself, which I think is like such a big important piece of this. You're speaking to things that you've never spoken to before. Like, if two years ago we'd done this podcast, it would have sounded very different. You know, and so like it's it's really like watching the integration happen in real time, um, and giving credit to how much having that support means, right? And so, like for me when talking to Jensen, I'm like the biggest signal like we can see right now too, is Derek reaching out to you and saying today was hard. That to me is like, okay, like we're the needle is moving. It's that if I speak this out loud, then what I'm doing is inviting in support, and that's gonna keep me on track. So, like for me, watching you, I'm like, step one is him just saying, like, hey, like this was hard and I couldn't do it today, or I need this. Yeah, like can we talk? You know? And it's like, yes, that's his job. His job is to show up and and support you, kind of like an AA sponsor in that regard.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and and and I'm I really appreciate that too, because that is um, like I said, I I can trust him because he's the expert. Like, and I can trust back back to you know experience versus science too, because I thought I was doing so well, and then he shows up and he says, you know, it's like you need to be eating 1800 calories, and my whole body was like, the fuck you do, like, like, no, get out, and I was like, Oh, I thought I was doing so good, but I'm right back into the whole, I'm starving myself again. Like, it took him to point it out, and I'm and uh you know, and I just checked in with him a couple days ago, and he's like, Man, if things are hard, just just hit me up and and I will, and but but it's hard for me to ask for that help. So because of that, I'm like, but that's what he's here for. Like uh you're not bothering him, like that's a job, so just do it. And and and I'm really looking forward to that, to also exercise that part of me to say it's okay to ask for help. You know, it it's it's exciting because there's so many blind spots. I just I realize like every day, I'm like, oh no, here there's another blind spot. What the hell? Um, it's crazy. Um, but I'm excited. I I know this is gonna work. Uh, we're gonna stick with it until it's done, and and then I'm gonna I'm gonna stay healthy, I'm gonna stay at that weight.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and in a super full circle, we like interrupted you early on to go through your like life history, but what you were speaking to was your dad saying something in regards to not believing in science, right? And how appalled you were. So tell that story and then kind of the reflection you saw in that.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so yeah, so uh again, I was I was telling about you know what stress does your body, whatever. And he was like, I don't think so. I'm like, Dad, I'm standing right in front of you. I'm literally like, here's the evidence. I was like, science says this, and he says, I don't believe in science, only my own experience. I was like, that's the craziest shit I've ever heard in my life. I was like, I don't know what to do with you anymore. And and then Jensen comes with these numbers, and then reflecting back, I was like, oh my God, he says the science says I'm supposed to eat 1800 calories, but my experience says anything over 1200 is gaining weight. And I was like, oh my god, like I've been what I've been calling crazy, I've been living this whole time. So it's the blind spot. And and I'm just I'm excited to have someone be like, hey, no, I guess the process is invaluable.
SPEAKER_03:I think, and and that's the tipping point. So if people are listening, and I I'm sure like so many different parts of this resonate with people, but and like there's a tipping point with, you know, on the podcast that he and I did that'll be coming out before this one, um, you know, I asked him, like, how long should people wait when they're attempting to do something on their own, they're self-helping and they're not getting anywhere, or like they're getting unhealthier, but they're losing weight, you know, and we kind of toss the idea back and forth of like maybe a month. And then we both were like, no, like if you're trying to do something you've never done before that you've really struggled with, the first step and first investment is into getting that support, right? Because we can be in so much self-denial. And the stuff we make up when we're trying to self-help ourselves is wild, right? You're like, no, no, like I can see pounds and pounds of data and evidence and empirical studies about like how many calories a high functioning person needs to have to feel their best cognitively, physically, whatever. And you're like, but that's not me. I'm the exception to that. Like I have to be around 800 calories. It's like, the fuck you do. But like the things that we get ourselves to believe based on our own fear and our own experience, like we are a case study of one. Right. So while we're very special people, we're not unique.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_03:And so it's like getting that support burst the bubble of the bullshit that we feed ourselves that we don't even realize is bullshit. And I could see the threat register in your face when he said, we got to get you up to at least 1800 calories, and you're like, oh my God, I could like feel you sweating. And so we stayed on after that call and we did some psyche to help him subconsciously unblock and neutralize the stress around it because I could see that the threat was there. And it's like, well, the first thing we want to do psychologically is wipe out the threat. We want to get you to a place of neutrality so you can start dancing with the idea that, like, oh, you're fucking dead wrong.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:You know, you're dead wrong. And you're ready to hear that. Because we've had that conversation at different times. I know we've tossed around the idea in years past of like, we'll get a nutritionist, but it's like the self-hacking becomes like self-abuse at some point. Like I need support and professional help with this. And the longer I delay getting that, the more twisted up I get about this. Like if I'm building a house and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but I'm like, okay, I poured the concrete wrong, but it doesn't matter. I'm just gonna layer flooring over it, and then we'll, it's like, what are you doing?
SPEAKER_02:Right, right.
SPEAKER_03:We need that help. And so, like, I I love it. I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy you're doing this. Like, I I 100% believe that it's going to work. I was like, he's gonna follow the instructions. Like, he's just gonna do it. Like, like, this is such a great opportunity. So super excited for the trajectory of this. Obviously, we're gonna continue to check in on it. Um, also, we're gonna keep your Instagram handle in the show notes. So, like, watch real time as Derek gets healthy first, right? So, this is a lifelong body image dysmorphia, weight gain and loss struggle that is ending now, right? We're starting a completely new relationship with this stuff. And people get to follow along in real time, which I think is so much fun and really inspiring, right? Um, so continue to post. I know we're I'm waiting with bated breath for your first just like, hey guys, this is talking to the camera and I'm I'm losing this weight. And I think as we go along with Jensen on the podcast and stuff, too, you'll you'll get to hear some really interesting stuff. But um, reach out to Derek, give him a follow on Instagram, show him some support for this journey. Um, and if it resonates and it feels like you know he's mirroring some of your own history and tendencies, like reach out and share that with us. We would love to hear from you. Till next time. This is Midlife Mayhem.
