The Feedback Trap – Why EQ Is the Secret to Better Conversations | Season 6 Ep. 3

We unpack why feedback often turns tense and how emotional intelligence changes the entire feel of the conversation. We connect the neuroscience of threat responses to practical EQ skills that help us build trust, clarity, and growth through feedback. 

• why most people struggle with giving and receiving feedback 
• the brain’s threat response to criticism and what it looks like at work 
• using self-awareness and self-management to regulate tone and pace 
• using social awareness to spot triggers in others 
• using relationship management to protect trust and reconnect 
• reflection questions to map your comfort level with feedback 
• why a 360-degree feedback process can reveal blind spots 
• the value of a non-anonymous 360 for building trust and follow-up 
• three high-impact 360 questions that surface strengths and stress patterns 

Now, with that, if you're interested and curious to learn more about the Motion Intelligent Leader Online course, we will put the link to the course in the notes section. 

And for our listeners, we're offering you a 20% discount. Just use EI20, that is the code, to receive your 20% discount.

Transcript

Welcome And The Feedback Trap

Johanna 1:05

Welcome back, everyone, to season six of Tackle Tuesday Podcast. This season we're unpacking emotional intelligence, how it impacts the way we lead and connect. So today's focus is feedback. The title of our episode today is the feedback trap why EQ is the secret to better conversation. So we're going to talk about why it can and sometimes goes wrong and how emotional intelligence, or what we also refer to as the emotional quotient, EQ, can turn it into a tool for growth and trust. And the truth is that most of us were never taught to give feedback. And perhaps we're trying to role model it based on what we've seen other people do or try to not emulate maybe a horrible feedback experience that we personally have had. But because of that, it is tough to give it and let alone receive it as well, right? So without EQ feedback can easily backfire. People can shut down, get defensive, or avoid the conversation altogether. And some of our programs, I remember specifically one woman in particular sharing that she got feedback from her boss. And this was a boss that I really admired and liked. He used to be my boss. And she said that when he gave her feedback, it was so she felt like he was attacking her, and she just broke down in the meeting. And I was so surprised to hear that. But there you go. There's an example of how it can go wrong. Even from someone who I knew who was great, I thought, from giving feedback. Sometimes, you know, we have our days where our delivery isn't the best, right? So EQ, I think, is an absolute critical thing that can support the way you give it and how you leave it. Katie.

Your Gut Reaction To Feedback

Katie 2:50

Yeah. I agree with that big time. Like as you were saying that, I'm thinking about the content of feedback is part of it for sure. But then the process and sort of like how you deliver it, as you mentioned, or as you alluded to. So I think what we'll get into today is to consider yeah, how are we creating the space? How are we managing and regulating ourselves so that we get the most out of that feedback conversation? So to kick it off, I've got a couple of reflection questions. So I'll put those out and then Joanna and I can share some initial thoughts. But let's all think about when we hear the word feedback, what is your gut reaction? Do you get excited, nervous, or more of a here we go? Like kind of an anticipation. Uh, I'm sure it's a mix of feelings. We can have many of those things happening at once, but really think like when you hear feedback or you know you've got an upcoming feedback meeting or conversation, like what is your gut reaction? Also consider do you tend to prefer giving feedback or receiving feedback? And maybe consider why you might prefer one over the other. Um, think to some experiences that may have impacted why you prefer to give or receive. And then last, I thought even just to think of a scale like one to ten, how comfortable are you with feedback conversations in general? Whichever end of the feedback giving, receiving you're on, like how comfortable would you say you are? And a one to ten scale might be interesting to put yourself somewhere on there. So I'll check in with you, Joanna. I mean, there's a few questions there, but like what's your general gut reaction to hearing feedback or knowing feedback's coming? Where do you go?

Johanna 4:33

I appreciate the opportunities that I get to receive feedback, whether it's from you, whether it's from a client, but I'm always nervous about getting it. It's sometimes it's about the delivery more than the content, I think. Because we've had experiences where the delivery was so horrible, it really left us feeling deflated. And other times it was given in such a way that actually left us feeling empowered and energized, even though the feedback was around why we may have lost uh a bid, but ultimately feedback really we walked away from it feeling great. So that I think is a good example of how do you want people to feel at the end of that conversation, even if the feedback you're giving is around how they made a mistake and how they could do better. So I still get nervous because I don't trust people's ability to deliver it well.

Katie 5:26

Yeah, because you can't always control that. And you're right, thinking to a few feedback opportunities we had on some bids we weren't successful in, and we had some really good examples and some really bad ones, and we didn't necessarily know the people who were going to give us feedback. So we're kind of finding ourselves in a meeting, uh yeah, getting it in a really different way, which is tough. So, like trying to think even what helped us in both of those, even like the bad one. Because sometimes when you're stuck in it and it goes a little sideways, it's not very comfortable.

Johanna 5:57

I guess we focused on what we could do to do better and try and then work through the emotions that came with uh the horrible delivery, and then eventually they dissipate over time and you move forward.

Katie 6:09

We had a good little debrief. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think I and many people like I get kind of nervous as well, but I think I always like I would prefer to get the feedback. So I have more of excitement. Like, I want let's just get to it. I'd rather know, even if there's something that I could do better that I don't even know that might be bothering you, rather than a situation where I imagine you or somebody yeah, being annoyed or or irritated or like holding something valuable. Uh, I'd rather know it than carry on kind of oblivious. So I tend to lead more to embracing and being a little more excited, nervous. Um, and I think we've done some good stuff at just like implementing regular feedback meetings and it it always is such a connecting sort of discussion. So I think on the more personal side of feedback conversations with you and other people I've worked closely with that I've supervised, I always found the more we did them, the more it was a guaranteed we're gonna feel more connected and like better at the end of it, even if there's some things that might be hard to bring up. So um, for like personal, meaningful relationships, I think they've been really valuable.

Johanna 7:14

I think that's a good way to look at it. Shift your mindset and get excited about it and be like, this is an opportunity for me to grow and build a relationship. And I think if we go into with that mindset of I'm excited to hear how I'm doing, it will go a lot better for you in terms of receiving. Yeah.

Katie 7:31

Agreed. Okay.

Johanna 7:32

Maybe looking at it the same way when you give it too.

When Feedback Feels Like Threat

Katie 7:35

Well, that's true. Yeah, on both sides. Yeah. Well, let's dig into, we've got a little bit here on some of the neuroscience of feedback. So I'll share a little bit here and then weave in emotional intelligence and how that can really help uh help us with feedback. So when we hear feedback, we receive feedback, especially if it feels critical, our brain often interprets it as a threat. Um, we talked a bit about the physiology of stress and how emotional intelligence can help us become aware and self-manage. But very similarly, if you're giving me very critical feedback, um, or if I'm getting feedback from that person in like a really harsh way, I may see that as a threat. So my amygdala will fire, cortisol spikes, we can slip into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. I've been hearing a lot more about fawn, this fourth response. Do you know anything about this? Because I wanted to share. I was just listening to something really interesting. Have you, Joanna?

Johanna 8:27

No.

Katie 8:28

Okay. So this is the first. This, okay, I won't go like way into we'll keep this focused on what we want to get to, but what I've been learning is that fawn is, I I was listening to something, I think like 2013, the term became a thing. Um, and it is a people-pleasing response. Fawning means people pleasing as a way to stay safe. So that might look like over-apologizing, immediately agreeing, uh, minimizing our own needs. So it can be a way, much like the more well-known fight, flight, or freeze um way of dealing with a stress response or a threat. So there's lots more on there. We won't dive into it today, but there is a book I heard the author uh talking on the podcast. I haven't read the book, but it's called Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living For You. And she goes into this fond response quite a bit. So I thought I'd throw that in because I think when it comes to feedback, that could definitely be a way that you may be used to sort of coping or dealing and not even realize you're doing it. So if we think of all this in a feedback conversation, a fight response might mean get defensive. So maybe that's that's not true. Um, here's why I did it that way. Kind of that like defensiveness might be the instinct. If you're gonna go into flight mode, maybe you're dodging or avoiding. So uh, okay, distracting, let's actually talk about this thing and changing topics uh or rushing the meeting along. If you tend to go to like that freeze response, you might just sort of shut down, you might go blank, kind of not have a response. Uh and then the font might be overapologizing, oh, you're right, I'll redo it. I'm so sorry. Uh, receiving kind of harsh critical feedback. So this uh is really what our body takes over, and these might be our go-to ways of dealing with a threat, and feedback could be perceived as that in some situations. So even well-intentioned feedback can feel like danger, our body's kind of wired to take it that way at times. So before I guess I do the final tie-in to emotional intelligence, what do you think of that, Joanna? Especially the fawn, if that's like a newer concept for you. What do you think of that?

Johanna 10:25

Yeah, I definitely would I would think some people would do this. I'm just thinking about some of the programs that we teach and some of the stories our participants share. It would be interesting to share this with them and find out from them how they've done this and and if so, how come? And create that self-awareness within them.

Katie 10:43

Definitely. Yeah.

Johanna 10:45

I think for it to some extent I do that as well when someone, not necessarily when I'm getting feedback, but to preemptively address a mistake that has been made. I find sometimes I will take accountability for it even though it wasn't me who did it. So in some ways, I do that. But now I've I've really caught myself. I it's been years now I've been working on on not uh doing that anymore. You shouldn't be taking accountability for things that were not under your control or you're you weren't responsible for making, you know. But yeah, I think that's an important one to highlight.

Using EQ To Stay Grounded

Katie 11:19

Yeah. And so, I mean, in terms of where emotional intelligence can help shift this dynamic, when we consider self-awareness, again, it's similar to what we talked about in our last episode when we explored stress, but self-awareness, notice our own state. So am I in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn? Even noticing the pattern or the tendency we may fall into, or in an unexpected situation where I'm getting feedback, uh, maybe I wasn't expecting it or it's coming at me much like a threat. Like, where am I going? How let's be aware. Self-management can help to regulate our maybe tone and pace, like when we're actually giving or receiving feedback. I think in self-management, too, would probably be, I know sometimes when we talk about feedback in the courses we facilitate, it's also like asking for what we need. I often talk about getting clear on the types of feedback, right? Like, am I wanting or needing, or am I giving feedback that's more of a coaching nature, an appreciative type feedback, or more like a critical, like evaluation type feedback? They're all really necessary, but I think between self-awareness and self-management, we may be empowered to have the language or tools to articulate what we need or what we're giving. That could give clarity. Social awareness would be watching for the cues uh if the other person is triggered. So being very aware and sort of tuned into how someone may be receiving or showing up. Are we finding that they may be going into a certain response? Can we share those observations to help work through? And relationship management, I guess is just that. So helping to frame the feedback to protect trust. Here's what I'm noticing. Uh, maybe checking in. Uh, I've noticed you've gone a bit quiet, Joanna. Like, we just want to check in how are you feeling? What do you need to move forward in understanding what to do with this feedback? Like, there would be ways of checking in and sort of supporting the other person. So I think to me, this is again similar to what we talked about in the stress episode, um, but feedback can be stressful. So it's not a surprise that it's very connected. So I think for me, the takeaway here is feedback, as we've we've said, it's not just the words, it really is the emotional context you create. And even if things go sideways, how do you get it back on track? And emotional intelligence, these four components can help us to do that.

Johanna 13:27

I really like this because I think we can be teaching this in our programs as well when we talk about emotional intelligence and then we get to our methodology around coaching, which we call Kathy, a coach approach to humble inquiry. And we have them do different scenarios where they have to give feedback and have a difficult conversation. I think framing it within the four domains of emotional intelligence and saying as you're giving back feedback, as you're having this difficult conversation with someone, because not all feedback is a difficult conversation. No, sometimes you're giving great feedback, right? Yeah. But even if you're like for those instances where you are having a difficult conversation, understanding how to frame it within these four domains, I think is really important because you can mentally reverse to some extent around how you will present yourself and how you will manage your emotions within each domain. Uh so when you're there having that conversation, you're just more self-aware.

Katie 14:22

Yeah. Well, and I think that would just be a person. Definitely, definitely. And it just connects like emotional intelligence, as we've shared, it's so foundational to everything that we tend to teach and talk about in our courses and programming around leadership development stuff. So just to continually tie back. So emotional intelligence isn't just this concept or it's not just simplified to like be self-aware. Um, there's these components and checking in, especially around yeah, the coaching, the difficult combos, I think that would be really helpful as you're learning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which EQ Skill Do You Use

Johanna 14:52

Okay. Well, we want to walk you through our second reflection. And so this question focuses on your emotions and which ones were at play during a recent feedback conversation. So, what I'd like you to think about is what emotions were at play for you and the other person the last time you gave or received feedback. And based on the conversation and the discussion that I just we just had with Katie around the four domains, which EI domain do you lean on most in feedback conversations? And which one tends to slip? Okay. Katie, what about you? What insights do you have from these questions?

Katie 15:54

I think that last question is really interesting. Like, which domain do I most lean on? Because I think I had to have opportunity to continue to be self-aware of like what I'm experiencing in the moment. I think I tend, especially if I'm giving feedback, to focus a lot on the relationship management and sort of like anticipating and managing and trying to like comfort or prepare or soften for the other person sometimes, like not all the time, but I can think back to experiences. If I've had to give really critical feedback to a direct report, and if I'm not self-aware, self-managing, like I'm exhausted, I've been in back-to-back meetings, I'm not in the headspace, so I'm going to take the easy way out and I'm worried about upsetting them, or I know this person's really sensitive. Like I can think of a few different situations where I've almost leaned on relationship management and like copped out, but not taken stock of where am I, what's my stress response or my kind of go-to mode, and how would I manage that to be a bit more effective? Does that make sense?

Johanna 16:55

I felt a little bit too. I'm very much focused in on how the other person is doing as I'm having this conversation with them. But I have to work on my own self-management in regards to how I'm receiving the information or their emotional state and not get triggered. So I think I have to do a bit better work around self-awareness and self-management. I think I'm pretty good there, but I think I could do a bit better, especially around regulating my tone and pace. Especially if I'm really tuned into the other person and trying to watch for cues, I can't also have to be cognizant of my own cues.

Katie 17:32

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

From The Course 360 Feedback

Turning Feedback Into Growth

Johanna 17:34

All right. As you know, we've added a new segment called From the Course. And so what we'd love to do is to be able to share something that we do actually in the course and some feedback that we have received from participants, specifically in the emotionally intelligent leader course that we have, there is a 360-degree feedback process that's embedded. For those of you who may have never done one and are unfamiliar with the 360, basically, it means that you're getting feedback from a range of individuals within your workspace. We also encourage people to get feedback out of the workplace, even from their own personal lives as well. But for example, if you're a formal leader, you'd get feedback from your supervisor, your peers, but you'd also get feedback from your direct reports. And that's the 360-degree experience. For those of you who may not have direct reports, you would be getting feedback from your peers, your supervisor. And like I said, you know, who we are at home and who we are at work really make up who we are as an individual. And when it comes to emotional intelligence, it's not only a phenomenon that occurs in the workplace, it also manifests within your personal life. So there's definitely value to get feedback from people you know personally as well, not just professionally. And our 360s are a little bit different because we make them not anonymous. It's a way, if you want to develop your emotional intelligence, as we said, social awareness and relationship management are critical. The way you ask for feedback, the way you receive feedback, the way you thank people for giving it to you, uh helps you develop your social awareness, helps you develop relationships, build trust with other people, also enhance your self-awareness and uh your ability to manage your own emotions. And so making it not anonymous makes it easier to reach out and connect with people and follow up with them. And also as an indicator of how they how much they may trust you in terms of whether they give you feedback or not. If they choose not to give you feedback, that should be an indicator to you to be curious to seek to understand why they're reluctant to give it, give you feedback. Is it more about them and their insecurities and past experiences with feedback? Or do they have a concern about being honest with you specifically? And these are things that you need to be curious to learn more about, because it will impact the dynamics in the workplace and impede your ability to be really effective and productive, including their ability to. So we say rip the band aid off. If you want to create a culture of feedback, then don't make them anonymous. All right, so the feedback process, let's get more into it specifically to the 360. Um, for example, some of the things that we've heard from our participants. You may feel and believe that you are someone who's very approachable. But perhaps through the 360, your team reveals to you that when they do meet with you, that their experiences with you feel rushed and they may feel that you're hard at times, therefore making you less approachable than you really think you are. And so the first step in emotional intelligence is understanding how others receive you and perceive you and how you can manage that, especially if you're you're not noticing that, uh, that feedback process is extremely important for you to just enhance your self-awareness. So by practicing with the 360, leaders build both the skill of giving and receiving feedback and awareness of how emotions shape their leadership presence. That's why participants often say that the 360 was an absolute turning point and probably one of the more most beneficial and critical components of the course for them, because over time, what it did is it made feedback a tool, not a threat. So one of the comments that we received from a participant was that the 360 was the most beneficial component of the program for them. It verified areas that they needed to work on and develop. It's also given them more of an open mind and understanding that not all criticism is negative. Now, with that, if you're interested and curious to learn more about the Motion Intelligent Leader Online course, we will put the link to the course in the notes section. And for our listeners, we're offering you a 20% discount. Just use EI20, that is the code, to receive your 20% discount. Okay, I'll turn it over to Katie to wrap us up.

Katie 21:48

Okay, yeah. Great discussion around feedback. I always love talking about feedback. I think it's become clear in this that it's really not just about performance or um, you know, specific ways to improve. It's really about relationships. And without emotional intelligence, feedback often creates defensiveness. Um, but with it, feedback can really build trust and growth. So tools like the 360, as we talked about, can strengthen our self-awareness and relationship management, just the process of doing it, which are really two of those core EI emotional intelligent domains. Uh so big takeaway emotionally intelligent leaders don't avoid feedback, even if it's a bit uncomfortable or sometimes it's uh it's hard. Emotionally intelligent leaders use it as a mirror to grow themselves and their teams. Uh, as you talked about, the 360 really helps to reveal blind spots. People also, in our experience, having done many 360s with different formal and informal leaders, it's nice to also hear what people like about what you're doing or the strengths uh that you bring to the table. A lot of us tend to be pretty hard on ourselves. So it's been interesting for me to observe many people go through that 360 process and go, oh, okay, this maybe isn't that far off of how I see myself. Uh, or wow, lots of people, most people, all people pointed out this thing. About me. That's kind of cool that that's a really noticeable strength across all these people. Um, so I always find that part. People want to rush over to get to like, but what's the stuff I need to fix? Uh, I think a lot of people tend to have that mentality, but this provides a space to also like pump yourself up a bit and get more clarity and self-awareness, which can all help with confidence. Um, so I think that's a big outcome. I just wanted to highlight. Joanna, was there anything you want to add? You look like you might add something. Yeah.

Three Questions To Ask Others

Johanna 23:30

Well, I mean, it's a it's a strength-based approach, that's for sure. And part of me is wondering, like, we can share there's eight questions. We don't, I'm not gonna share all eight, but maybe we can share like two questions. Like if you're like asking to get feedback, what should I ask? So let's give you the two questions out of the eight that we feel like will give you some good impact in regards to getting back. Yeah. So the first one is I like, I really like this one. What are three adjectives that best describe me? And I'll give you insight really to how people perceive you. Do they see you as someone who's energetic, positive, optimistic? Do they see you as someone who is driven for results, but there's no kind of compassion or empathy? Like driven for results is good, but if it's balanced with compassion, empathy, and being able to connect with people, that's great. So I think those are that's that's one of my favorite questions. Katie, do you have a question that you really like there as well?

Katie 24:24

Ooh, uh, I don't have them right in front of me. I really do like that one. Pick another one because I know you're looking at them right now.

Johanna 24:31

Yes, yeah. One is another one, it's a strength-based one is what's one thing that I do exceptionally well or something that you learned from me by watching me.

Katie 24:40

I really like the learn from me. I think that's a really interesting phrasing of it. Not just like, yeah, what what are one of my strengths, which is a fine question, but I really do like that. People get some interesting stuff.

Johanna 24:49

Right, yeah. Because if people are watching you and they're learning this from you, that really does speak to what your strengths are.

Katie 24:54

Yes, like in action. Yeah.

Johanna 24:56

That's right. I'll give a third one, I guess, because this one is about an area of growth for you, and it has to do with how you manage stress. So that one would be I'm getting to that question right now for you folks. This is one that we we added. I didn't have it in the original. It was six questions. I ended up adding and bumping up to eight. How do I typically respond under stress or in high pressure situations? And how does it impact those around me?

Katie 25:25

That's a good question.

Johanna 25:26

I like that one too. So, two strength-based and one area of growth. Yeah. And if you're interested in knowing what the other questions are, we really do encourage you to take the course.

Final Takeaways And Goodbye

Katie 25:34

Excellent. Okay, I'm glad we squeezed that in before we wrapped up. So uh thank you so much for tuning in. We hope you enjoyed this conversation around feedback and how emotional intelligence can really help us out uh when it comes to feedback. So, with that, we wish you a wonderful rest of your day, and we will see you for the next episode of Tackle Tuesday.