We often believe the lies that we should do this, we should be this. In today’s episode, Sara helps us deconstruct the lies of “should”, and helps us recognize our true worth in Jesus Christ.
March 15, 2022; Ep. 77
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If you enjoyed our podcast, please...
We often believe the lies that we should do this, we should be this. In today’s episode, Sara helps us deconstruct the lies of “should”, and helps us recognize our true worth in Jesus Christ.
March 15, 2022; Ep. 77
Timestamps & Key Topics:
Episode Links & Resources:
If you enjoyed our podcast, please...
Sara Clime
(0:01) Welcome to Take Heart. This is episode 77. We are so glad that you're here. I wanted to take a moment and let you know that we have some great free resources that we would love to share with you, and you can find them on our website at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com.
(1:19) Hi, It's Sara Clime this week, and this month we are talking about the lies we believe. I would say that all lies come from the devil, but I don't think that that's necessarily true. I think too often, we do his job for him. I find myself on a shame spiral. I pictured the devil in the corner talking to his little minions saying, "Huh, watch this, she's losing it, I didn't even have to do a thing." I think there are so many times his intention is to give us lies, but we do his job for us by just feeding ourselves the lies instead. I have found that the lies that I believe usually begin with a should statement. My "should" spiral of shame goes something like this: I should be a better mother. I should be okay with giving being a caregiver 24/7, fifty-two weeks out of the year. I should be a better wife. I should be a better sister, friend, neighbor, volunteer, Christian. I should exercise more or eat better. I should make my family balanced meals. My husband should talk to me more. My children should be better behaved. The doctor should...the teacher should...the church should...my family should. You might think be thinking wait Sara, there are times when my doctor should do this, or the teacher should follow the IEP, and you would be correct. When should is used to indicate obligation, duty, or what is probable, then that is a helpful statement. If a "should statement: is used to shame or put undue pressure on yourself or another person, then those "shoulds: are lies. Those lies become a hindrance to joy, hope, optimism, and even our relationships.
(3:07) Here's how I have learned to cope with all the shoulds. If I say something that begins with should or shouldn't, and I have a negative reaction, and let's face it, do we ever really hear people say anything good after they should or they shouldn't statement? After I hear those, and I have that negative reaction, I stop and reflect on that sentence. Is the “should” used correctly? Is it representative of a duty or obligation or is it a projection of my or someone else's insecurities, desires, hopes, fears? Is the “should” based purely on emotion? If so, can I replace the should with concrete, accurate and feasible action? For example, if I say that teacher should know better, he isn't following the IEP at all, and my blood is boiling. I first focus on the should. Should the teacher know better? That's based on emotion, and we all know how misplaced or misdirected emotions can get us. What is an action? The teacher should do better? Does that work? Does the teacher know what better is? Is better doable? What is better? I would further break it down and say instead, the IEP clearly states XYZ. I will remind the teacher of this. If things don't change in so many days or by the next test or whatever that might be, I will take it to the next level. This little exercise doesn't remove the frustration from the situation. It doesn't remove the mental exhaustion or the tears from going over everything your child does with a fine-tooth comb. What it does, though, is it removes the antagonistic and purposeful hurt out of the equation. The first should statement leads me to think that the teacher just doesn't care about the success of my child's educational career. The second statement gives that teacher the benefit of the doubt while putting me back in control of my son's future. Isn't that what we want? Okay, so all of that sounds well and good, right? What if that said teacher knows about the policy? You've spoken to him numerous times, the facilitator and administrator have also reminded him, and yet he still ignores it? Well, yes, he should be following the IEP, and yes, he should know better. Yes, mama, it's okay that your blood is boiling. Even in that instance, remove the should and say, the teacher has been notified several times and even reprimanded by the administration, it is time to approach the administration one more time before taking this to legal counsel. It puts you back in control. To me when I surround myself with “should” statements, I am giving my emotions and other people that control. When I think I should, or others should do something or be a certain way, shame is attached to that. There is no truth and shame. Let's do another one. How about I should be okay with being a 24/7 caregiver for my child. Am I the only one with this? Anybody? I hear this one a lot, in my own head, most often. Is that should relevant? Is it fact? No. Nowhere in the big giant book of parenting a child with disabilities or special needs, does it say that we are to be martyrs? Remove the should. Instead say something like caring for my child is a blessing. Taking time for myself is also. I'm allowed to be an individual. Perhaps, if I allow myself time to be me, I might be more content with being a caregiver, maybe twenty-two hours, seven days a week, or fifteen hours, seven days a week. Take a day off here and there. Here's another one I hear from moms and children with disabilities or special needs, who have children who are medically fragile. I should be a better wife. That one hurts. First, let's remove the shame. Remove the "should." Maybe you could be more intentional with saying hello to your husband in the evenings or ask him how his day went. Yes, honey, I do listen, that was to my husband. Perhaps you could plan a date night and not expect him to do it. I'm projecting things for my marriage here. So stay with me, and I am fighting honestly, to keep the shoulds out this even as we speak. The point is to stop shaming ourselves into believing the lies that we aren't enough. Instead, take back control and ask yourself why do I feel this way? Is there something I can be doing differently as a mom, a wife, or a friend, or to better care for my children and myself? Are there ways I can show my husband that I love him more than I'm doing currently? It doesn't mean that you're wrong, and it doesn't mean that you should feel guilty. It just means that you're going to reflect a little bit more.
(8:09) Friend, you're human, you will make mistakes. Mistakes are how we grow. Don't fall for Satan's lies when he tells you you aren't enough or you should have done something else. We are our own worst critics. I guarantee you, you have someone who thinks you hang the moon. Someone knows your worth. Someone gave you that worth. If you can't think of someone off the top of your head, start in scripture. God thinks you were amazing. He created you just the way that you are, and he said, "It is good." Back in episode 41, I talked about guilt and how guilt and shame are lies from the devil. I gave a list of truths God believes about you. Here are just a few from that episode. He calls you loved, John 3:16. He calls you worthy, Zephaniah 3:17. He calls you friend, John 15:15. He calls you purposed, Jeremiah 29:11. He calls you accepted, Romans 15:7. He calls you wise, righteous and sanctified I Corinthians 1:30. Those are just a few from the list I gave. The list I gave was just a few in scripture that just scratches the surface of the beautiful and remarkable things God calls you. The bottom line is that Scripture is full of wonderful things God feels for us. Scripture is God-breathed, and God doesn't lie. God doesn't shame. There are no shoulds in scripture, period. When all else fails, and you don't feel that you are enough, remember that God is the truth. Lies we believe about ourselves are Satan's cheap shots. Satan lies to distract us from God's truths. Don't do the devil's dirty work for him. Remember that God is not a light. He is THE light. He is not a guide, he is THE guide, and he will lead you with power and grace. In order to be led, you have to be willing to follow. In order to follow. You have to trust in God's love for you.
(10:14) Father God, thank you for being THE light that we need in this world. There is so much shame. We all struggle, and only you know what each of us goes through daily. We praise you for being the guide that we need. Please open our hearts to your truth, helping us block out the lies the devil so readily has available for us to believe every time we turn around. Lord, help each of us follow you, trusting in the worth only you could assign to us through your Son's death and resurrection. May each person listening believe every truth you speak over us. We are worthy, loved, purposed, blessed. We are accepted. Help us to be open to even more truths found in your word. Help us to meditate on those truths. We ask all of these things in your precious son's name. Amen.
(11:18) Thanks for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We are grateful you're walking on this journey with us. If you have any questions or comments, follow the links in our show notes. We love hearing from our listeners. Thank you for listening and next week. Amy, Carrie, and I will be together to wrap up this month on lies we believe.