What's in Your Bag? Unpacking The Language Of Pain vs. Joy

Episode 54: What's in Your Bag? The Language of Pain vs. Joy

Hey Love! ❤️
In this episode, we're diving into something so important for how we show up in relationships: emotional baggage. Yep, I said it. We all have it—whether we want to admit it or not. But here's the thing: if we don’t take time to unpack what’s weighing us down, we’re going to keep carrying it into every new chapter, every new season.

Today’s episode focuses on how to start unpacking that baggage by understanding the language of pain and joy. We all speak one of these languages, but which one are you speaking in your relationships? You might be wondering: “How do I figure that out?” That’s where the fun part comes in. I’m walking you through an activity that will help you reflect on the emotional baggage you're carrying into your next season. We’re going to ask some powerful questions that are going to shift how you see yourself and what you're bringing to the table.

We’ll unpack the difference between pain and joy—the vibe you’re bringing into your relationships. The truth is, you can't step into a new season until you know what’s in your bag, babe. Is it full of past pain, old wounds, and projections? Or is it packed with joy, clarity, and peace?

We'll explore: 

• What’s the single greatest lesson you carry with you to date?
• What are three words you would use to describe yourself?
• What is your single greatest asset or strength?

By the end of this episode, you’ll have the tools to assess your emotional baggage, unpack what’s no longer serving you, and step into your next season with a clearer, lighter heart. 🎒

Key Takeaways:

• Discover the powerful difference between the language of pain and the language of joy, and how it shapes your relationships.
• Walk through a reflective exercise to help you assess what emotional baggage you’re packing.
• Learn how to shift from carrying pain to carrying joy in your next season.
• Gain clarity on what you’re bringing into your next relationship (and what you need to leave behind).

Resources Mentioned:

• Episode 51: Are the decisions you are making aligning with what you say you want? (Q was previously mentioned here.)

CTA:

Love this episode? Take a moment to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. Your review might just inspire someone who needs to hear this message of growth and emotional healing. And hey, don’t forget to share this episode with someone who might need a little encouragement to unpack their emotional baggage.

Because at LF, we believe when you know… you grow! 🌱

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Dating and Relationships
• 16:00 Journey Towards Self-Awareness and Growth

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So let's talk about dating and relationships. But where do we start? And I mean that with all seriousness as much as this is a rhetorical question, because Love Frequency is the podcast where we explore love. By being extremely honest and self-reflective, I'm also dead-ass asking where do you start when it comes to dating and relationships? See, we spend so much time complaining about them when we're in them and then hold on to so much pain when we're out of them. Doesn't it beg the question, why aren't we spending more time at the start, talking about the start? You are now tuning in to Love Frequency, where love grows. So let's go. Welcome to Love Frequency, the podcast that helps you transform your pain into power.

Speaker 1: 0:59

I'm your host and favorite love advocate, nya, here to guide you through the journey of breaking toxic patterns and embracing your highest self. On this podcast, we believe that love is not the problem, honey. You are. That's why, every Wednesday, we ask the tough questions, dive deep into the root of the issue and offer tools to help you get out of your own way. If you're loving what you hear, hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And don't be shy. Rate and review the podcast to help us spread the love and the truth, because when you know you're great. I'd love for you to join me in an activity that will bring you the most value.

Speaker 1: 1:51

If you're in a quiet, reflective space, if you can take a moment to settle in. Imagine you're about to go on a journey. You don't know where you're headed, but one thing is certain You'll need to pack, close your eyes for a moment and picture yourself standing in front of an empty suitcase. This isn't just any suitcase. It's for your next season of life. The challenge you can only bring what will serve you on this journey. Now let's start packing, and I have a few questions to guide you. Question one what's the greatest lesson you've learned so far in your life and how does it shape the way you show up in your relationships? What's the greatest lesson you've learned so far in your life and how does it shape the way you show up in relationships today? Take a moment to think about this lesson. Imagine folding it neatly like a favorite piece of clothing and placing it in your suitcase.

Speaker 1: 3:08

If you had to pick three words to describe the person you are today, what would they be? Are these words rooted in who you are or are they shaped by past experiences is question two. If you had to pick three words to describe the person you are today, what would they be? Are these words rooted in who you truly are or are they shaped by past experiences? Visualize each of these words as small items you're carefully choosing to pack. Are they essential or are they things you've outgrown? And finally, number three what's your greatest strength, the thing that has kept you going when everything else seemed to fall apart, and how can you use this strength to move you into your next season? What is your greatest strength, the one thing that has kept you going when everything else seemed to fail, and how can you use this to move you into your next season? Picture this strength as your travel companion, the one thing you can always rely on. Now, place it in the bag, knowing it will support you on the road ahead. I want you to go ahead and close your suitcase and zip it up and, when you're ready, open your eyes. I want you to take your time with these questions and pause if you need to, to be more reflective, because we will revisit them later in the episode.

Speaker 1: 5:17

This idea of packing our bag really came from a lot of conversations I've been having with my friends. We're all at a similar crossroads, stepping into a new season, and a few weeks ago I was talking to a close friend named Q, who I've actually mentioned in a previous episode, episode 51. She was telling me how amazing her life is right now and she's starting to reconnect with the things she used to love, one of which is writing. But she can't seem to find her damn groove. And she said to me I can write about my pain in so many ways, but I can't seem to write about the happy stuff. And it's frustrating because I'm happy as fuck right now. And my response could it be that you're exercising a new muscle for you? Maybe what you're feeling is just a little discomfort. Lean into that. But I also completely understand where she's coming from.

Speaker 1: 6:09

I remember when I went through the same thing when I was first starting to perform my spoken word. I used to believe y'all that my pain was my superpower. How sad is that. And without it I felt like I didn't have a voice. I only wrote pieces or poems about what hurt me because it was the most familiar subject I knew. But then that got me to thinking is this also how people experience me when they meet me. So a few days later, q reached back out to me and had one hell of an observation. She said it hit me Joy and pain are two different languages, and you were right. It is a muscle and it's one that I need to rebuild. Maybe, if I change the language that I use every day to myself, the writing will come Whoo, stop it. And then that got me to thinking.

Speaker 1: 7:09

When it comes to dating and relationships, where do we start? When most of us are used to leading with our pain, we start by looking at what's in our bag. Before we look at what's in your bag, let's explore what the language of pain and joy even mean. Taking it back to the question I asked at the beginning of the episode, when it comes to dating and relationships, when it comes to meeting new friends, when it comes to making new connections at work, where do you start? It comes to making new connections at work. Where do you start? More specifically, what energy are you bringing to these connections? What foundation are you then setting? What's the tone of this connection, and how does setting that tone move you forward? That's what we're talking about. So, when it comes to joy, think of it as a vibe, a vibe that feels light and open.

Speaker 1: 8:09

When you move in the language of joy, you carry a sense of grace, and not only are you able to extend grace to yourself, but to others, and by showing up in this way, you are building deeper, stronger connections. People who move in the language of joy you will notice their expectations decrease, baby, because it's replaced by a deeper understanding of what they will and won't accept. For example, you are no longer afraid to say the word no, do you hear me? No with a period, and you do that when it's necessary and there are no issues or friction because your communication flows with EC. When you meet people in joy, you smile from the inside and even when shit goes wrong or there's a disagreement or minor inconvenience is happening, you know when life be lifin you are able to approach these with that curiosity we were talking about. You come in asking questions, wanting to gain understanding instead of pointing blame, comparing the shit to your past or, even worse, reacting without thinking.

Speaker 1: 9:22

When you move in the language of joy, you are able to handle life's punches with openness. That's joy. It feeds you. It's the emotional freedom that comes from knowing you're worth love and respecting both your boundaries and others, embracing people just as they are. It's a mindset, baby. It's a mindset of exploration, absent of judgment. When we lean into joy, we show up with clarity, peace and an understanding of what we need.

Speaker 1: 9:58

Now, on the flip side, if you meet someone in the language of pain, it can be immediately draining on your energy and, often unintentionally, the energy of others around you. When you meet people in pain, it's an energy that carries judgment and defensiveness. Because you're closed off, you might find yourself placing unrealistic expectations on folks or trying to control situations to avoid being hurt again. I even think this is where standards come from, when people got expectations and they want people to be a certain height and a certain all the things that they think matter. It's like Build-A-Bear. You're really using your pain as building blocks to your present, and that makes no sense to me. See, pain ends up showing up when you struggle to uphold your own boundaries. So this is more of a conversation for yourself versus an opportunity for you to project on other people. Baby, it's time to pause. Pain also shows up when frustration and complaints dominate your thoughts. That's that exhausting energy again.

Speaker 1: 11:06

What's even scarier is sometimes pain shows up as isolation. It's another subtle attempt to try to control your surroundings. I know for some of us, silence and isolation is healing, but there are some of us that are using isolation and calling it healing. When it's an excuse to keep yourself protected from the outside world, it's okay, baby, but in pain, when you're trying to connect, it's always going to be a struggle, because you're going to compare your present circumstances to your past mistakes, and that's not healthy. Life is always going to feel like a constant battle instead of a natural flow. When you carry that kind of pain, the external world becomes the bad guy. Baby, rather than you reflecting on what energy you're bringing to the table, pain keeps you stuck to past wounds, preventing you from fully engaging in what's happening right now. See, when we carry pain from our relationships, it gets reflected back to us in the form of unmet expectations and emotional exhaustion. See, the language we choose to speak the language of pain or joy has a powerful effect on how we show up with others and, ultimately, how we experience life.

Speaker 1: 12:31

So what's in your bag? Question one the greatest lesson you've learned so far? The answer to this question really speaks to the energy that you're bringing into this next season and, a lot of times, the energy you're bringing into your new connections. Are you showing up with the energy of growth and resilience, or are you still carrying the weight of past hurt? Consider whether your lesson highlights personal healing and accountability or if it's rooted in what someone else has done to you. Your energy sets the tone for how you meet everybody.

Speaker 1: 13:14

Now question two since we've talked about the energy you're bringing, now let's talk about the foundation that's already been set. Those three words that you would use to describe yourself lets you know what you are packing into this next season. And these words build on a strong sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-awareness, and for many of us, they are still shaped by past experiences that no longer serve us. Reflect on these words, ask yourself do they align with my core values? Do they align with the person I aspire to be? Remember, your foundation determines how solid you'll stand in the face of challenges. And question three what's the greatest strength that you have? Or that very thing that kept you going when everything else seemed to fall apart? Your answer here uncovers what's your motivating force. Is your strength empowering or pushing you forward, or does it need a little fine tuning, baby? No matter what your answers are make sure that they are something that is going to serve you in this new season.

Speaker 1: 14:32

So, after answering these questions about your energy, your foundation and your motivating force, are you happy with what you packed in your bag? Are you bringing joy or pain, or a little bit of both? Whether you like it or not, this is how we meet people. The emotional baggage that you carry with you is how you show up in the world, and if you find yourself constantly leading with your pain, wondering why things aren't improving, it might be time to start unpacking what no longer serves you.

Speaker 1: 15:10

Dear love, before stepping into your next chapter, it's time to pause and reflect. Knowing what's in your bag is the key to answering two essential questions. Are you in a season to date and, if so, what are you bringing to your next connection? When you take the time to unpack your emotional baggage, you gain clarity about your energy you're bringing into your relationships. This is your opportunity to shift from carrying past pain to embracing joy and emotional freedom. If your answers to the reflection questions filled you with pride, clarity and excitement, that's a sign you're packing your bag with the right shit for a healthy and fulfilling connection.

Speaker 1: 16:00

Continue to lean into that energy as you step into this season. But for those who felt challenged by the exercise, remember that's okay. This is where transformation begins. Take the time to sit with your answers, reflect on what no longer serves you and begin the process of letting that shit go. The beautiful thing about the journey is that you can always repack your bag.

Speaker 1: 16:31

Dating and relationships start with self-awareness and by understanding your lessons, strengths and the foundation you're building on, you set yourself up for deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Love thrives when you meet it with clarity and intention, honey, and it's such a beautiful thing. So let go of what's weighing you down and pack light for this new season of joy, growth and possibility. Thank you for hanging with me today, love. Be sure to come back next week, where we will dig in a little bit more about how to unpack some of this by simply washing your face. If this episode has fed your spirit and increased your love frequency, don't forget to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, spotify or wherever you're listening right now, and don't forget to share this episode with at least one person you know who needs to pack their bag for this season, because when you know, you grow. I love you.