Are We Dating Or Is This Therapy?

Episode Title: What Are You Really Searching For?
Release Date: February 19, 2025

Hey Love! 💖

Ever been in a conversation where you're excited about someone new, only to have them talk about their ex or past relationships before you’ve even had a chance to get to know them? Whew—why does that happen? And more importantly, why do we let it happen to ourselves?

In this episode of L_ve Frequency, we’re diving deep into the emotional baggage we unknowingly bring into new connections. We’re going to talk about the real reason you keep finding yourself in conversations centered around the past, even when you’re trying to focus on something new and exciting.

You know the type—when the ex talk creeps in, and suddenly, you're back at square one, trying to figure out if you're really looking for love or just seeking validation. So, let's unpack this, shall we?

In this episode, we discuss:
 • The Foundation of Connection: Why leading with your past in a new relationship doesn’t set you up for success—and how to stop doing it.
• Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Are you bringing your emotional growth into your new connections, or are you stuck in a cycle of rehashing old hurts? Let's break down how EQ can make all the difference.
• What Are You Really Searching For?: Are you seeking connection, or are you just trying to close old chapters you never finished? We’ll explore how to shift the conversation from your past to your potential.

By the end of this episode, you’ll understand why focusing on who you’re becoming instead of who you were can completely transform your dating game.

Key Takeaways:
• How focusing on the present instead of the past can create deeper connections.
• Why emotional intelligence is the key to breaking toxic patterns and moving forward.
• Simple ways to start conversations that build connection, not walls.

Resources Mentioned:
• APA Link on Psychotherapy

CTA
Did this episode hit you in the heart? I see you! If you loved it, please rate and review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. Your feedback helps us spread the love and truth to others who need to hear it.

And don't forget to share this episode with someone who needs to stop dragging the past into their future. Trust me, they’ll thank you later. Because here at L_ve Frequency, we believe that when you know... you grow! 🌱

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Emotional Baggage in Relationships
• 9:12 Healing Emotional Baggage for Better Relationships
• 18:24 Rebuilding Trust and Moving Forward

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey, loves, if you are somebody who is struggling with dating, then this episode might just be for you. See, I've recently started putting myself back out there with the hopes of building really solid friendships that eventually lead to a long-term partnership, and what I'm noticing is every single person that I've met has lived with their pain. I know more about their ex than I know about them in the first one to three encounters, and it's got me so perplexed. See, what I can't understand is Sugar, are you really ready to date, or are you using connections as the therapy you aren't receiving? Let me say that again Are we dating or is this therapy? We gonna cut right to it? Come on, dj, play my music.

Speaker 1: 0:55

You are now tuning in to Love Frequency. Where love grows, so let's go. Grows, so let's go. Welcome to Love Frequency, the podcast that helps you transform your pain into power. I'm your host and favorite love advocate, nya, here to guide you through the journey of breaking toxic patterns and embracing your highest self. On this podcast, we believe that love is not the problem, honey, you are. That's why, every Wednesday, we ask the tough questions, dive deep into the root of the issue and offer tools to help you get out of your own way. If you're loving what you hear, hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And don't be shy, rate and review the podcast to help us spread the love and the truth, because when you know, you grow. So let's talk about these foundations that we're building, the foundation of our connections. That we're building the foundation of our connections, just as it is important to have a solid foundation on any home you build.

Speaker 1: 2:11

When you meet somebody new, the foundation of that relationship is crucial. The choices you make early on set the tone for what's to come. Now hear me. Well, I'm not saying you need to hide your past, but, baby, why would you lead with it? Why would you share details about your ex with somebody you've barely begun to know? What's the goal? Think about it this way when you start a new job, do you spend the first 30 days talking about the old one? Or when you're unwrapping gifts from someone you love, do you focus on what someone else gave you last year? Or, better yet, when you shower today, do you put back on the clothes you wore yesterday? Of course the fuck not. So why doesn't this mindset shift when it comes to relationships, when it comes to building solid foundations Before I understood the importance of boundaries, met somebody online.

Speaker 1: 3:11

We started chatting and, as my birthday was approaching, I invited this person to hang out with me because I didn't have any plans. We ended up spending I don't want to admit the number. We ended up spending eight hours talking, but the entire time that entire eight hours except for a few seconds in the beginning for the hellos the conversation revolved around her last relationship. Now I know I could have stopped that conversation at any point. I also recognize that my own love frequency kicked in. I wanted to be a support system because I could also see she was hurting In her vulnerability. She needed somebody to talk to, and I was there. But here's the thing Two things can be true.

Speaker 1: 4:02

At the same time, while I was there for her, I also realized that her emotional state meant that there could be no room for me. And what stuck with me the most was this why did she feel so damn comfortable spending eight hours rehashing her past with a complete, stranger past? What a complete stranger. I take the responsibility for my role in allowing the space, but it still left me questioning when you meet somebody new, why not focus on them? Why does the old version of you seem to dominate new spaces that you're stepping into? Can you not read the room honey? Not read the room honey?

Speaker 1: 4:52

Now let me be clear. Sharing your past is not inherently bad. I know that it can build intimacy, but let's be real. When you meet somebody new, are your words and action those of somebody ready to build or somebody that's still healing, and that's okay? But that's a real ass question you should be asking. Are you creating a foundation for a new relationship or unintentionally dragging the weight of your past into the present? I have been having this conversation with my therapist in therapy, with my good friends. I've even been having this conversation, if I can be real with people I've been talking to, because I think this brings up a deeper conversation of emotional intelligence. For anybody who's unfamiliar. It's the ability to recognize, understand and manage your own emotions while navigating relationships with empathy and awareness. So there's four areas, or four core elements of emotional intelligence, and when I first learned about this it was actually in business. We had to take a course for one of our professional development classes and I tend to find and I know I've spoke about this before a lot of correlation in some of these business professional development workshops, I find a direct correlation with that in love, and so I always go, wow, if this is good for business, this is good for relationships, because a relationship really is an emotional business agreement.

Speaker 1: 6:21

So the first element is self-awareness. Do you know how your emotions influence your words and your actions, and not only that? Can you step back and ask am I showing up as somebody ready to build? That's self-awareness, being able to be self-reflective, introspective? Now, it doesn't do us good just to know ourselves real, real well, but we have to engage with other people as homeo sapiens on this planet. So self-regulation asks can you control emotional impulses or are you unloading your unresolved pain onto someone who ain't asked for it? That ain't fair. This also speaks to can you control your feelings? Can you process your feelings when you're feeling them?

Speaker 1: 7:22

Because then this shows up as the third element, which is social awareness. So if you have self-awareness and you know how to self-regulate when you get around other people, are you considering how your emotional baggage might impact another person? Social awareness is how you navigate yourself in this world. And just imagine if you haven't been working on those first three the number four, relationship management is almost impossible. When I truly reflect on all of my past relationships, I would say 99.9% of them failed because at some point both parties didn't really have high EQ. Now I've dated some motherfuckers with high IQs high EQ. Now I've dated some motherfuckers with high IQs. I myself would consider me being somebody with a high IQ, but my EQ was crazy low.

Speaker 1: 8:11

Because relationship management asks are you focusing on building trust and connection or are you intentionally or unintentionally creating distance by centering this connection around your pain? Take a moment to reflect. If you were the person on the receiving end of your energy, would you feel safe and excited about building with yourself, or would you feel like you were carrying somebody else's heavy ass bags? Now here's the thing Most people don't show up to these conversations with deep reflection. When they vent about their exes, when you're venting about your past, they're not unpacking lessons. They're venting, which is, they're analyzing somebody else's behavior, or they're seeking validation for what somebody did to them. But here's the uncomfortable truth Growth isn't about what others did to you. It's about what you've done with the experience.

Speaker 1: 9:12

There was a recent study that said about 75% of people who engage in some sort of therapy or help report significant improvement in their emotional health. There's life coaches, mentors, spirit guides, witch doctors, pastors. They can all play a huge role in helping you process your emotions and make sense of different ways to process your pain in a constructive way. But often people bypass these tools and just carry unresolved wounds into their next relationship. There's even a tool that will help you see where you are with emotional intelligence a rating scale. I'm going to share it with y'all a little bit later because we are actually going to really dig into the EQ. I think it is so important as we step into this next season to have those tools. So I'm not just teasing them, we're going to talk about them, but they can really help you measure and understand where you are now.

Speaker 1: 10:14

But I will leave you with this what would it look like if you invested in understanding yourself on a deeper level before seeking a connection with somebody? On a deeper level, before seeking a connection with somebody, what would it be if you sat with those emotions that you're feeling, that are in the present, that show up every time you meet a new connection? What if you sat with those and you asked yourself what does this tell me about me? Because here's the truth. The person you're dating or you're getting to know should benefit from your growth, not bear the burden of your unhealed wounds. You should not be going into these connections bleeding on others emotionally. No one should have to heal what they didn't hurt. Now, if you took a step back and you looked at your actions objectively, what would they say about you? Are you truly ready to build with somebody new, or are you still trapped in what was? So? Let me ask you again what are you really searching for? If your answer is to build, why are you holding so tightly to the past? Are you dating to connect, or are you seeking closure that you truly never gave yourself? So let's break this down.

Speaker 1: 11:36

When you meet somebody, the conversations you have set the tone for what you're building. So here's a few meaningful conversation starters that focus on discovery rather than destruction. Instead of asking, well, what happened in your past relationship, maybe try what's the greatest lesson you've learned about love so far, and then share your own, and then share your own. This lesson is about growth. This conversation focuses on the growth and not about what your ex should have learned or what your ex should have done or how about, instead of venting about how your last relationship wronged. You ask the other person what's something you're passionate about right now and then share your own passions. It's a different way to connect, because we're sharing joy rather than looking for ways to create shared pain. Or instead of pointing out how this person reminds you of your ex and yes, you would be surprised at how often this happens to me ask them when's the last time you laughed so hard you cried and then share yours, because shared laughter is a beautiful bridge to intimacy.

Speaker 1: 12:58

You can ask about their dreams. What's something that you've always wanted to do but haven't started yet? Dreams spark curiosity and inspire growth. Oh, a good one. Discuss your values. You could ask what's one value you hold that shapes the way you navigate relationships. Sharing values reveals alignment or misalignment Early on. We're asking questions that are setting better foundations. Doesn't this already feel good? Don't you already feel like, if you knew this amount of information about Naya, you would have such a better foundation of who I was and who you were connecting with and who you were allowing into your space?

Speaker 1: 13:45

Reframe vulnerability. As I've said before, there's nothing wrong with sharing what you've been through, but instead of asking what's hurt you in the past, ask what's a moment of vulnerability that helped you grow? This keeps the conversation forward, focused and reflective, because here's the truth. Every time you center the past in your pain, you rob yourself of the opportunity to experience the present. You miss the chance to see what's standing right in front of you and to let somebody see who you really are. The glow you're searching for in somebody else, the chemistry, the vibe it starts in you, but you've dimmed your light, baby, and it's dim so low because you're holding on to the hurt and the resentment or the validation you never got. Ask yourself this once again Are you seeking connection or are you seeking to be seen as a victim of your past and most of you? This question pisses you off. I know that's not what you're aiming for. I know what you really want is for somebody just to understand, for somebody just to get it and not hurt you again or repeat the same damn pattern. I get it, believe me. But, baby, this is individual work and maybe, if these questions are frustrating you, maybe it's not time to date, maybe it's time to heal, and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 15:19

This is where therapy, self-reflection, intentional growth, where they all come into play. Therapy isn't a last resort, it's a first step. Do you know that individuals who invest in therapy report higher levels of self-awareness and healthier relationships? So this isn't just about finding somebody to talk to. It's about finding yourself. So let's be honest Each time you bring up what was, you place a brick between yourself and what could be. You're building the wall, you limit the possibility of building something meaningful with the other person and you leave them out.

Speaker 1: 16:05

Relationships aren't built on regret or comparison. They're built on shared hope, understanding and a mutual commitment for growth. So what are you really searching for? Love, because if you're looking for a fresh start, you got to stop dragging yesterday into today. Dear love, you are not your past baby, but sometimes I see you holding on to it so tightly that it shapes how you show up in your right now. You've packed and repacked your emotional bags, but instead of unpacking them, you carry them somehow into your new connections. You are leading with old wounds when you should be leading with your light. No one deserves to bear the weight of what they didn't break. Relationships aren't built on regret, comparison or venting about what went. Relationships aren't built on regret, comparison or venting about what went wrong. They're built on discovery, curiosity and shared hope and, honestly, when you meet some of us, gosh, we don't deserve it. We just want to get to know you. We just want to get to know you. So let me remind you your past is a teacher, but it's not a life sentence. So it's okay to reflect, but it is time to shift your focus, boo. Instead of centering old stories, create space for new ones. Share your lessons, but not your losses. Lead with your values, your dreams and the joys that make you feel alive. When you do, you invite the same from others, and that's where real connection begins.

Speaker 1: 17:53

Love healing isn't about waiting for somebody to see your scars and say I understand. It's about doing the work to understand yourself. It's about growing into the person you needed when you were hurting, and let that version of you shine. It's your turn. You are worthy of love that doesn't carry the weight of what was. You are worthy of a connection that is built on the beauty of what could be.

Speaker 1: 18:24

So I'm going to ask you one more again what are you really searching for? Is it a fresh start? If so, let go of yesterday, and I want you to lean in with your full chest into today. Hey, love, thank you for hanging out with me again. Now I know I have some trust to rebuild, but look, it's already episode three. We coming in hot and it only gets better from here. I wasn't playing. I want to talk about your ex. I want to to talk about you. A lot of you tripping, and next week we are diving into a juicy one Friends with benefits Is it really ever that simple? Well, shit, let's talk about it. And if this episode fed your spirit and turned up your love frequency, go ahead and hit that subscribe button so we can keep growing together and don't keep all this good love to yourself. Share it with somebody who needs to stop dating and start healing, because here at Love Frequency, you know what it is we believe when you know you grow. I love you.