Friends With Benefits: A Detour Or A Destination?

Episode Title: Friends with Benefits: A Detour or a Destination?
Release Date: March 5, 2025

Hey Love! 💖
Let’s talk about Friends with Benefits… shall we? It’s a topic that has intrigued, confused, and divided people for years. Despite the jokes, debates, and warnings, it’s something many of us have either experienced or considered. So, let’s unpack it together.

In this episode of L_ve Frequency, we’re diving deep into the complex layers behind FWB relationships. We’ll explore how motives, personal history, and emotional baggage shape these connections, and how understanding them can empower you to make decisions that align with your true self.

In this episode, we discuss:

• What Are Friends with Benefits (FWB)?: We break down the true meaning of FWB and the reasons why people enter into these arrangements. Is it about companionship, avoiding commitment, or simply wanting something temporary?
• Personal Reflection & Emotional Triggers: I share a personal story about my own FWB experience and the emotional wounds that shaped my perspective. Learn how your past relationships influence your current decisions and triggers.
• Motivations and Boundaries: What are your true intentions behind entering an FWB situation? Are you avoiding deeper emotional work, or are you truly looking for companionship without commitment? Let’s get clear on your motives.

By the end of this episode, you’ll have a better understanding of what FWB really means, why it might not work for everyone, and how to set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being.

Key Takeaways:

• How motivations behind FWB relationships differ and the emotional baggage we carry into them.
• The importance of setting boundaries to avoid emotional entanglements and self-sabotage.
• Why emotional self-awareness is key to navigating relationships and making choices that serve your highest good.

Resources Mentioned:

• Psychology Today article on FWB relationships

CTA
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Also, if you know someone navigating an FWB situation or debating if it's right for them, send them this episode! It might just give them the clarity they need. Because here at L_ve Frequency, we believe that when you know... you grow! 🌱

Chapters

• 0:00 Defining Friends With Benefits
• 5:09 Four Motives Behind FWB Relationships
• 8:14 Personal Triggers and Past Wounds
• 13:01 The Emotional Exchange We Often Ignore
• 14:46 Three Questions to Ask Yourself
• 19:25 Choosing Connections That Choose You

Transcript

Nia: 0:00

So let's talk about friends with benefits, shall we? It's a topic that has intrigued, confused and divided people for some years now, but, despite the jokes, debates and warnings, it's something that many of us have either considered, experienced or talked about. So let's unpack it. You are now tuning in to Love Frequency, where love grows, so let's go. Welcome to Love Frequency, the podcast that helps you transform your pain into power. I'm your host and favorite love advocate, Nya, here to guide you through the journey of breaking toxic patterns and embracing your highest self. On this podcast, we believe that love is not a problem, honey. You are. That's why, every Wednesday, we ask the tough questions, dive deep into the root of the issue and offer tools to help you get out of your own way. If you're loving what you hear, hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And don't be shy. Rate and review the podcast to help us spread the love and the truth, Because when you know, you grow.

Nia: 1:32

What's your definition of friends with benefits? I'm serious, Take a second and think about it Because, let's be real, this phrase gets thrown around so casually these days that everyone seems to have a different definition. I had a group of people I was hanging out with once and we all went out to dinner and I decided to go around and ask everybody what their definition was. But I did it separately, while we were all waiting for our table and everybody, everyone had a different definition, but the one thing that was a common denominator is that their definition was rooted in their pain and their fears and, most importantly, things they didn't receive in prior relationships.

Nia: 2:18

I recently had a conversation with my good friend Q. You know Q we talk about Q all the time, but, honey, we were not on the same page. She was the first person that, when I had this conversation, didn't come at it from a position of pain, but instead purpose, which is interesting. Her perspective caught me off guard. I'm not going to lie. For her, as many people like, generally speaking, she saw it as a way to keep things uncomplicated, but for me, this topic whoo, I don't know. Actually, I do know what it is about this subject. We'll unpack that later. But I spiraled. I was hot. I can't remember exactly how the conversation came up, but I remember as soon as she fixed her lips to begin to justify her position, I think I saw red and I shut it out. My listening skills were non-existent and I became frustrated, like my body physically became warm, I was nauseous to my stomach, became warm, I was nauseous to my stomach. And when she gave me a second, when she paused to breathe, I interjected and just went off.

Nia: 3:31

The one thing I remember about this conversation is while we were talking, I was getting ready to go to the gym. Having that conversation motivated me even more. Once I got to the damn gym and I talked to her the entire 30 minutes, I was on the goddamn treadmill because that's how pissed I was. Yeah, I'm not proud of it, but shit. After the conversation, as I was getting in the car and I calmed down, I had to take a breath and maybe a sip of tea and realize that this topic had some layers worth unpacking if it created that type of reaction. I think we took a quick 20 minute check-in and it turned into an hour and a half conversation and then this episode.

Nia: 4:16

But before we dive into that mess and and me unpacking why I felt the way I felt, let's break down the definition. What do people actually mean when they say friends with benefits? Now, remember those grade school lessons on the idioms? I know you don't, but that's okay, I got you. Idioms are phrases that don't mean exactly what the word says, like raining cats and dogs or spill the beans. Friends with benefits is one of those phrases, because it doesn't really mean friends the way you think. It's more of a casual connection no strings, no deep emotions and definitely no commitment. It means to be temporary or transactional.

Nia: 5:02

Now, unlike romantic relationships, which are usually about building something long-term, friends with benefits hits a little different. The focus is on companionship, but not the kind where you build emotional intimacy. Instead, it's about comfort, physical, not emotional. You know me. I had to dig a little bit deeper. My question was what are the motives behind these types of connections? I found a fascinating article in Psychology Today that breaks down how motives for friends with benefits can vary depending on emotional needs. Now, if you're a nerd like me and you want to read more, you know I'm going to keep it in the show notes, honey, so don't forget to check it out. But here's what it laid out.

Nia: 5:46

There were four primary reasons that they gave for a friends with benefits connection. So if you think back to the definition that you gave it earlier, let's see how closely matched we are. The first one pure sexual motivation. That was simple. Some people just want to keep it physical, without all the emotional attachment, no feelings, no complications. The second one is companionship.

Nia: 6:11

Not everybody's looking for a full blown relationship, but some still just want closeness and intimacy without all the heavy shit. I get it. Number three relationship simplicity. A lot of us are just over the drama of traditional dating. Friends with benefits is easy, low maintenance and stress free. And number four avoidance of commitment. There's the group that's actively just dodging commitment. They want their freedom and they do not want to deal with romantic expectations. It sounds a lot like being outside, doesn't it? On paper, this sounds like a cheat code for modern dating, right? No drama, no strings, just vibes. Why are we all signing up? Well, hold them up, swole them up.

Nia: 7:04

Here's where it gets a little tricky. A study found that friends with benefits relationships don't always stay in their lane. Get this 26% stay in their friends with benefits connections, 15% transition into romantic relationships, 28% went back to just being friends and 31% they ended with no relationship at all. Nothing, Just a whole bunch of fun times, I guess. But let me pause for a second. Almost a third of these situations fizzle out completely. No friendship, no connection, just two people who tried this quote unquote easy arrangement and ended up with nothing. So what does this mean for you? It means that if you're considering a friends with benefits set up, you better check your motives and get clear on what it is you want, Because while this may work for some people, it's not all rainbows and butterflies for everybody.

Nia: 8:09

Now, before I get too ahead of myself, let's circle back. At first glance, friends with benefits seems like it could be a win, but, as the old saying goes, silly rabbit tricks are for kids. So let's talk about why this setup might not be as simple as it seems. The most eye opening part about discussing friends with benefits is seeing how people define it through their own experiences. Whenever I was asking that group that I was with the questions, their definition was shaped by their past pain. So it doesn't surprise me that when I had this conversation with Q, my strong reaction wasn't about the topic itself. It was about my own history. See for me, friends, what benefits is like diminished value.

Nia: 9:03

After years, I've spent learning myself the thought of being reduced to convenience stings. I remember the struggle of rebuilding myself after a relationship ended, only to discover that they were entertaining somebody else the entire damn time. Back then couldn't understand why this pattern kept repeating. Why did I continue to meet emotionally unavailable partners who loved the idea of me but didn't truly love me? Friends with benefits is triggering because it reminds me of those times when I was left wondering if I was the only one who cared. Moments like these shattered my sense of worth and always left me questioning if I will ever truly be seen or if I'm just fulfilling a fleeting desire. Over time, I came to a hard truth. The pattern wasn't just in the partners I chose. I wasn't protecting myself emotionally, which led to years of me feeling unlovable, but through personal work and self-reflection, though, it feels like a bus stop on the way to something else, like a temporary detour, rather than investing in truly knowing the person you're with.

Nia: 10:25

Now let's fast forward to my most recent relationship. After 10 months of us dating long distance, we decide to live together. She moves in, and y'all know when it happens. When you can feel them pull away, they ain't got to say nothing, but you can tell when the energy has switched up. Conversations about the issues we were having were often deflected, leaving me to piece together the truth and instead of waiting on her, I just ended the shit, and not because of anything negative toward her, but because of the value I started to see in myself and the questions I began to ask myself, like does this relationship, do these feelings align with who you are Now?

Nia: 11:15

Walking away wasn't easy. I was terrified, not only because I cared about this person, I cared about their family, but because I had never done it before. But, as painful as it was, it also felt like reclaiming a part of myself that I had lost in previous relationships finally being able to stand up for myself and to say the thing that I was afraid of saying. Which leads me to another layer of how I perceive friends with benefits the emotional entanglements we create, Because through this whole conversation y'all friends with benefits, if I'm assuming correctly typically is a physical connection. Have y'all forgot about the shadow work, the baggage that we carry within our spirit when we lay with other people?

Nia: 12:09

I believe there is an emotional exchange. You don't have to tell someone you love them, you don't have to speak terms of endearment. The brain doesn't know the difference between a wife and a side piece. It just knows how it feels, the emotional bags we carry and the baggage of others we invite into our lives. When we share intimacy, we're sharing more than just physical touch. We intertwine energies, which includes our shadows. This is also why I've learned to be a little bit more discerning. See, intimacy isn't just an act. It's an open gateway into your soul, and I've worked too damn hard to let chaos just seep in.

Nia: 12:58

I'm not saying friends with benefits is inherently wrong, but for me it's a trigger. It stirs up memories of past relationships where I felt hidden, convenient and undervalued. My friend and I ultimately agreed to disagree, and that's okay. I ultimately agreed to disagree, and that's okay. What the conversation taught me, though, was that my reaction again wasn't about the subject. It was about the wound, the wound that still existed. The difference is that those wounds no longer guide my behavior. They simply inform why I feel the way I do. This awareness allows me to respond internally and intentionally rather than impulsively. But here's the thing Just because it isn't right for me doesn't mean it isn't right for you. It isn't right for me doesn't mean it isn't right for you. Is a friends with benefits connection right for you?

Nia: 14:07

Before making any decision, take a moment to reflect deeply on your feelings, circumstances and intentions. And if you don't know where to start, here are three crucial questions that can guide your self-inquiry. Number one what are your relationship goals and intentions? And be honest with yourself. Not what you think other people want to hear, not what your fear tells you could happen might happen. What are you truly looking for in a connection? Are you seeking companionship, physical intimacy, emotional support or something else entirely? Knowing your goals can help you align your actions with what's genuinely reserved for your well-being. If your intentions are clear, it's easy to avoid situations that lead to confusion and unmet expectations. Number two what are your motivations? What's driving you? While your goals define what you want, your motivations reveal why. Ask yourself are you entering this arrangement from a place of confidence, self-love and curiosity, or are you seeking validation, trying to avoid loneliness or masking unresolved wounds? Understanding your why helps you differentiate between a choice that aligns with your highest self or one driven by temporary feelings as your lower vibration. And number three how does this make you feel?

Nia: 15:46

Tune into your emotional and physical responses when you think about connection. Does it bring excitement, curiosity and a sense of possibility? Do you feel uneasy, anxious or unsure? Pay attention to those gut feelings, not to judge the other person, but so you can be that researcher for yourself. There's often inner wisdom speaking to you when these feelings come up. Your emotional clarity is a compass that can guide you toward decisions rooted in self-respect and authenticity. Now, if your answers to those three questions bring you clarity, joy, peace, I love that. I love that. Keep doing more of that. You are on the right path for you. But if your answers highlight discomfort, uncertainty or unresolved pain, maybe it's worth taking a step back to reflect further. Give yourself the space and grace to explore these feelings without judgment. It might help to revisit the last three episodes where we delve into similar topics, especially those about understanding your triggers, building boundaries, cultivating self-awareness, packing your bags, washing your face. It's time for you to pause for yourself, Stop running from yourself and sit with yourself. So, when you come into this next season, you are making choices that are serving you, not holding you back.

Nia: 17:36

Have you ever been in a friends with benefits situation? If so, what were your motives? How did it work out for you? I'm interested. I want you to share your thoughts with me on Instagram because I want to hear your story. I got a post up and I would love for you to leave your comments to that Because, remember, at the end of the day, the choice is yours, honey, Just make sure it really is your choice, not a reaction to pain, fear or distraction pulling you away from your authentic self. When you operate from a place of clarity, from a place of love, you empower others to make decisions that honor you where you are and what you need, Dear love.

Nia: 18:35

Friends with benefits might sound simple on the surface, baby, but as we've unpacked today, it's anything but. But as we've unpacked today, it's anything but. For some it's a way to keep things light and easy, but for others it can stir up deeper questions about self-worth, boundaries and emotional safety. The motives behind these connections, whether for physical comfort, companionship or avoiding commitment, are as layered as the emotions they can bring up. For me, this conversation opened up old wounds. It reminded me of how much I've grown. I used to settle for being a convenience in someone's life, thinking that was all I deserved, but through reflection and self-work I've learned that true intimacy isn't just physical. It's an exchange of energy, trust and intention. That's why I'm committed to connections that honor my worth and align with my values. Anything less just ain't for me. But this episode wasn't just about my journey. It's about you too.

Nia: 19:46

If you're considering a friends with benefits situation, ask yourself what do you truly want? Why am I drawn to this and how does it make me feel? See your answers reveal what's right for you. And if it doesn't bring you peace, if it doesn't bring you peace, if it doesn't bring you clarity, well, love, maybe it's worth reconsidering, Because at the end of the day, your relationship should feel like home, not a pit stop or a detour. So choose connections that add to your life, not just a moment. Choose connections that choose you, Because when you move with intention and self-love, you open the door to relationships that are as fulfilling as you deserve. Thank you for spending time with me today.

Nia: 21:04

Love, this one got pretty personal. And don't forget to tune in next week where I change my mind about all of this shit. I know, I know. Stay tuned. And if this episode fed your spirit and turned up your love frequency, hit that subscribe button so we can keep this conversation growing. Now, if you know someone navigating a situation ship or battling a friends with benefits setup, send this episode to them, just so they can give themselves the clarity they need. But they do some dumb shit. I'm sorry, I'm not judging. We listen and we don't judge. Okay, sometimes we do, because we believe here at Love Frequency. When you know you grow, I love you Bye.