Parenting with Mindfulness

It’s hard to be a parent these days. There seems to be so much information out there in formats that are easily accessible, but try to remember that all the information you may see or read online is not what it appears to be. As a community, we need to start looking at what is happening and how we can help our kiddos thrive. 

Being self-compassionate is a big part of being a parent who raises happy and healthy children. Being kind to ourselves, knowing that other parents are dealing with the same issues, and taking a mindful moment to recognize what is happening let’s us make better decisions. 

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the first podcast of Season 2 of Proactive Parenting. As you know from Season 1, this is a judgement-free space to learn how to raise value-driven kids in a way that is right for your family, using the most current scientific research out there. 

I’m your host, Dr. Deanna Marie Mason. I’m a certified pediatric nurse practitioner, published author, and a professional who has devoted my career to studying and using child development to help parents manage childhood issues. 

So, grab a cup of tea or coffee and settle in to learn something new about your child because when we know better, we do better. 

It’s hard to be a parent these days. There seems to be so much information out there in formats that are easily accessible, but try to remember that all the information you may see or read online is not what it appears to be. As a community, we need to start looking at what is happening and how we can help our kiddos thrive. Sadly, the research is showing that there is more depression and anxiety among our pre- teens and adolescents, that more children are living with a family member with substance abuse issues, whether that be alcohol or drugs, and, as a result, are at higher risk of abuse and neglect, and the loss of learning time that took place during the pandemic has had a residual effects of lowering our children’s reading and math skills. 

And there is nothing that, as parents, can change those statistics right now. They represent what has occurred in the past. All we can do now is focus on the present and what is happening right in our families. A while back, a parent called me to talk about how they were worried that their 3-year-old wasn’t doing what some of the other children were doing because of the families finances. This parent thought their child would be missing out on “normal” life and was concerned their son wasn’t getting enough interaction with other people and children, how missing swimming lessons would delay his love of water, or how he wasn’t able to go to his favorite restaurants. She was completely focused on what wasn’t possible in that moment for her son. 

When she finished, I validated her concerns and empathized that the things that her son enjoyed were limited in this moment, because it was true. However, I reminded her how a three-year old’s world is really about home and family. Their developmental tasks are to see how mom and dad deal with the world to lay the foundation for value formation, to learn about their emotions and how to manage them appropriately, to master gross and fine motor skills, like jumping in the air, walking up the stairs without using the rail or a hand, dress himself, cut with scissors or hold a pencil properly, and feel unconditional love while he attempts all these things. Those things don’t change because of financial issues, global pandemics, or, really, anything. And parents, by focusing on what is really important, can create an environment that supports their child’s development without all the bells and whistles. It isn’t based on money or experiences, it’s based on time and attention - both of which are free. 

While this antidote is related to a 3-year-old boy, the take away is that when we focus on the true needs of our children, we can avoid falling into feelings of guilt, failure, or overwhelming stress because we know we are doing our best to meet their actual needs - not what society is selling us to be good parents. 

Being self-compassionate is a big part of being a parent who raises happy and healthy children. Being kind to ourselves, knowing that other parents are dealing with the same issues, and taking a mindful moment to recognize what is happening let’s us make better decisions. Let me explain... 

When we are kind to ourselves as parents, by saying no to one more play date because we are just too tired or speaking kind self-talk when our child has a complete tantrum out of the blue, we are modeling to our children what is healthy. It isn’t our fault that our child was invited to 3 birthday parties in one weekend, but we can choose to have them attend only one because we are tired from a long week of work. Similarly, when our child is mouthy to us in public or has a tantrum in the grocery store, we can take a deep breath and realize that they are expressing difficult, strong emotions in a non-respectful way, but it doesn’t have anything to do with us personally as a parent. It’s just showing us that we need to help them learn better ways of managing those emotions. 

This leads us to understanding that we are not alone in these trying moments. Most parents work through the same issues with their children with more or less success. These are common situations to raising good human beings. There are lots of failures and set backs before our little ones, and not so little ones, master a skill or can manage emotions in a healthy way. When we see our situation in a larger collective of being a parent rather than just us alone with this crying child, then we can give ourselves a bit of compassion and know we are not alone. It’s just another step in the process and shows us where we need to assist our child. 

Finally, taking a moment or a deep breath in these situations can take us out of the immediacy of the experience and let us look at the situation from a different perspective. Is our tween being sassy because school was tough today? Is our kiddo having a meltdown because we tried to put one more errand in the schedule and pushed back nap time? It gives us a chance to ask, “What else is happening here?” And realize that our child is not out to ruin our day. They are just working through their own issues in the developmental way that is available to them in that moment. 

All together, we can become a more compassionate parent by being more compassionate to ourselves as parents. It lessens the burden and gives us choice in our reaction to what is happening between us and our child. Additionally, we are also modeling a healthy way to manage stress and difficult situations. It literally is a win for everyone. 

If we start to be more kind and compassionate to ourselves in our work of being parents, just think how that would create change on those statistics I mentioned earlier. Would we be more available to our tweens and teens to listen to their issues, be more attuned to what is going on, help them seek the assistance they need from health care providers or therapists? Would parental substance abuse decrease as we find healthier ways to manage our own stress and fears? Would we seek the help that we need, as parents, to avoid passing on a traumatic history of alcoholism, drug abuse, and neglect onto our children? Would we be able to start addressing the multiple facets needed to recuperate losses educational time - supporting schools and teachers, helping more intentionally with homework, making time for reading more stories or playing math flash card games? Would we feel empowered and open to making changes in our own life to help where we could? I think that we would if we felt that our choices mattered and we wouldn’t be judged for them. 

Being a self-compassionate parent is always important, but I think it is even more important since the pandemic. Our suffering has been real and we need to acknowledge that and hold space for that. And once that has happened, we need to figure out how to move forward by living in the present completely. Being kind to ourselves, remembering we are not alone, and trying to be mindful in stressful moments will give us the strength and ability to be the kind of parents we want to be to our children. There are only benefits to self-kindness in the family unit. 

I invite you to try some of these ideas in your family today. See if they change how you feel about your ability as a parent. I think you’ll be surprised at how positive you feel. 

I’ll wrap things up here. As always, I welcome your comments or questions about the episode. Please don’t hesitate to connect with me at deanna@proactiveparenting.com. And if you want to find out more about who I am and what I do, please take a look at my webpage, www.proactiveparenting.com. 

You can also go to Facebook and Instagram to connect with other parents just like you. Find me by searching for my name - Deanna Marie Mason. Finally, if you would like to purchase any of my books or online courses, such as Newborn Care or Breastfeeding Bootcamp, or audio courses, you can find all those resources on my webpage, again that is www.proactiveparenting.com 

Thanks so much for listening, I hope you found this episode useful and interesting. If you did, please leave a comment and tell a friend so they can become a Proactive Parent too! 

Well, that’s all from me for right now. This is Dr. Deanna Marie Mason signing off. I look forward to connection with you again soon. Until then, take care and be well. Bye!