Rockin’ Routines for Happy Kids

Today I want to talk about that sweetest of age, the early school age years. Depending on where you are listening from, school may start for your little one at age 3, as in Western Europe, or age 5-6, as is common in the Americas. Regardless of where and when your kidlet is attending school, you can take advantage of the power of routines to help at home and at school. 

These years of early education are a remarkable time of transition for your child. Your little one will move from completely focusing on themselves to engaging with other children and adults. This is a huge opportunity for you, as a parent, to use this natural developmental stage to guide them towards behaviors that will help them understand their place in the larger context of the family, other children, and be in the classroom. 

The key to guiding your child successfully during this stage is to set up an environment that supports this growing confidence to maximize their new skills and abilities while keeping them safe and avoiding accidental parenting. The best and easiest way to do this is by having clear, age-appropriate limits to protect their safety and building family routines so everyone can participate and feel good about being independent and successful contributing to family unit. 

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of Proactive Parenting. Remember, this is a judgement-free space to learn how to raise value-driven kids in a way that is right for your family, using the most current scientific research out there. 

I’m your host, Dr. Deanna Marie Mason. I’m a certified pediatric nurse practitioner, published author, and a professional who as devoted my career to studying and using child development to help parents manage childhood issues. 

So, grab a cup of tea or coffee and settle in to learn something new about your child because when we know better, we do better. 

Today I want to talk about that sweetest of age, the early school age years. Depending on where you are listening from, school may start for your little one at age 3, as in Western Europe, or age 5-6, as is common in the Americas. Regardless of where and when your kidlet is attending school, you can take advantage of the power of routines to help at home and at school. 

These years of early education are a remarkable time of transition for your child. Your little one will move from completely focusing on themselves to engaging with other children and adults. This is a huge opportunity for you, as a parent, to use this natural developmental stage to guide them towards behaviors that will help them understand their place in the larger context of the family, other children, and be in the classroom. 

You’re going to notice that their physical growth is slowing down a bit. This change allows them to settle into their body a bit more. You’ll see them master the strength and abilities of their body by focusing on big muscles to jump and skip, as well as smaller muscles to draw, color, and read. This slowing of physical growth also helps them focus on other internal changes that will be important in later development. 

You’re going to see that they grow in their confidence as they master the use of their body. It’s common to hear, “Let me! I can do that!” They also become very talented in managing to get their own way, especially with emotional pleas, so don’t be surprised if one evening you hear, “I’ll be so sad if we don’t have ice cream for dinner” accompanied with some big tears. These behaviors are all driven by their growing confidence in themselves and their abilities. Combined together, this helps them be open and accepting of activities inside and outside of the home because their growing self-esteem is giving them the confidence to know they can meet and overcome challenges - like avoiding eating fish for dinner by asking for ice cream. 

The key to guiding your child successfully during this stage is to set up an environment that supports this growing confidence to maximize their new skills and abilities while keeping them safe and avoiding accidental parenting. The best and easiest way to do this is by having clear, age-appropriate limits to protect their safety and building family routines so everyone can participate and feel good about being independent and successful contributing to family unit. 

Let me explain how to do this because it might seem like a big task, but really it fits perfectly with your child’s normal developmental needs. For children to have good self-control and a positive self-esteem, they need activities and challenges to conquer. Routines create an environment to our children to develop and practice their skills and abilities. 

We know that little ones by age 3 can successfully complete routines without problems. More importantly, they feel pride in themselves and control over their lives when they get to practice and complete their routines successfully. It’s a win-win for everyone! 

So you might be thinking, what routines can I expect from a 3 year old? The answer is very simple ones that they can do everyday - say a morning routine, an afternoon routine, a free-time routine, and a get-ready for bed routine. Here is what they might look like: 

For a morning routine, your little one can wake up at the appropriate time with a prompt from mom or dad, such as entering the room and saying “wakie, wakie, eggs and bakey. Time to get your body shakey. Time to wake up and get ready.” That’s it, no drama, no repeats, just a gentle morning wake up interaction and from that time on a 3 year old can manage the rest. Older children can use an alarm, but I always liked waking my little ones in the morning until they were in their teenage years. But, that is a family choice and whatever your family chooses is right for you. 

After being woken up, your little one can get themselves dressed, make an attempt at brushing their hair (3-year-olds generally need mom or dad to repeat this just to tidy it up a bit, but older kiddos can manage independently). The next step is to eat breakfast in a reasonable amount of time with no drama. What is a reasonable amount of time for a 3-year-old, about 15-20 minutes. “No drama” is that they eat what they think their body will need to power them through the morning until lunch time. No fights about what to eat, just eat what is presented. Then it’s off to brush teeth. Again, the 3-year-old makes the first attempt with mom or day watching and then mom and dad finish up the process to be sure all the teeth are properly cleaned. The last part of the morning routine can be organizing their backpack with the items needed that day - a lunch box, a water bottle, a toy for show-and-tell. Then it’s just putting on shoes and heading out the door on time. 

After school routines can include, taking care of school materials to do projects, keeping a work area organized and tidy, asking questions when appropriate but not expecting mom or dad to do their projects for them, and, probably the most important, managing the frustration that naturally comes with learning new things. It can be hard to manage big feelings related to controlling their bodies to color inside the lines or draw shapes. With a simple routine of deep breathing and labeling feelings, our kiddos learn how to manage this natural frustration. 

When our little ones have free time, it’s important to give them a routine so they learn how to structure free time in a meaningful way for them - and the other people around them. For example, it’s important to give our little ones some activities that they can do on their own, without the need for others to join in. Examples can be looking at picture books, paper and crayons for drawing, simple coloring books, puzzles, or physical activities like skipping, balancing, or free dancing to music. The goal with these individual activities is to help our little to learn to be okay with feelings of boredom and empower them to find ways to occupy their minds and bodies in a pleasant way. On the other side of this skill is to help our kiddos learn not to bother others who are working when they feel bored. This is an important skill for school and home. 

Finally, we can expect our children, ages 3 and above, to be able to participate in a routine at bedtime. What that means is they can take off their day clothes and put on their pajamas, choose quiet activities to help them calm down before bed such as listening to parents read stories or quietly playing with stuffed toys, and go to bed when mom or dad tell them it is time. Again, avoiding drama or trying to extend wake time. 

When our little ones learn routines like this at home, it makes it easier for them to learn routines at school, or in activities like sport, dance, or music, or in the houses of relatives like grandma or grandpa. Ultimately, learning routines and being able to apply them independently, is helping our children learn to integrate into society - following patterns that make everything run smoothly from driving on the road to navigating the grocery store when it’s packed with people. Recognizing patterns, following norms, managing frustration, feeling good in accomplishing something simple - these are all valuable skills and perspectives. 

We know from the research that when children grow up without limits, discipline or routines, they are constantly pressuring the other people around them to find out where their power and influence ends. It is a disruptive cycle that makes them unenjoyable to be around. More problematic than creating discord with the people around them, children without limits, discipline and routines are not able to assume responsibility for themselves or understand that they live in community with other members of their family. When we live with other people, those relationships require that each individual has rights and obligations. No person only has rights, not even children. Learning about the obligations of life is a critical task to assure that our children develop the skills and sensibilities to be in healthy relationships with others by respecting boundaries, practicing empathy, and knowing how to control their own bodies and emotions. 

For us as parents, the lack of routine in family means that we have to stay constantly attentive to our children’s activities - even the ones that they can manage independently. When we are hyper focused on the little things our children can do for themselves - such as spoon feeding them dinner, tying their shoes, fighting over bedtime - it means we are not focusing on bigger issues related to their well-being and development. Routines help us organize rights and obligations appropriately at home so we can focus on being parents that guide our children rather than adults how micromanage a small person. 

In summary, a stable structure at home removes doubt and replaces it with calm. Our children become less stressed because they can anticipate what is going to happen and freely participate in that process - which makes them feel great about themselves. As parents, we get to release ourselves from the constant demands of micromanaging and focus on the bigger picture because we know our children are enjoying an appropriate amount of freedom based on the correct limits we have placed for them. Together, this helps our children be confident that we are watching over them and are in control of their safety and well-being while simultaneously giving them their appropriate amount of freedom to explore their world and who they are as individuals. 

Remember, we are with our little ones more than anyone else. If we want our kiddos to behave differently and to learn to be guided by values, then we are the people who need to start this change. With a focus on love and kindness, we can and should establish reasonable limits, practice appropriate discipline, and create simple routines to motive and educate our children on how to be part of our family. Don’t be afraid to start - the investment of time and energy you make today will have significant effects on your child’s life, both now and in the future. All of this information is based on extensive research and investigation to help you be successful creating a happy and healthy family. 

I’ll wrap things up here. As always, I welcome your comments or questions about this episode. Limits, discipline and routine topics are always lively! Please don’t hesitate to connect with me at deanna@proactiveparenting.com. And if you want to find out more about who I am and what I do, please take a look at my webpage, www.proactiveparenting.com. 

You can also go to Facebook and Instagram to connect with other parents just like you. Find me by searching for my name - Deanna Marie Mason. Finally, if you would like to purchase any of my books, online courses, such as Newborn Care or Breastfeeding Bootcamp, or take an audio course, you can find all those resources on my webpage, again that is www.proactiveparenting.com 

Thanks so much for listening, I hope you found this episode useful and interesting. If you did, please leave a comment and tell a friend so they can become a Proactive Parent too! 

Well, that’s all from me for right now. This is Dr. Deanna Marie Mason signing off. I look forward to connecting with you again soon. Until then, take care and be well. Bye!