Keeping It Real: Authentic Parenting in a Filtered World

It seems today that we are constantly consuming media messaging that is meant to make us feel like we are somehow behind or lacking what others have. This phenomenon has not skipped parenting. There are parenting influencers showing us an edited, stylized version of what their families are like. Please know I am not judging what other do or how they make a living. What I am pointing out is that it has never been so easy to peek into other people’s lives and use that information as a mirror in which to judge our own capacity, ability, or success. 

In it’s lightest, breeziest form, TikToks, Instagram reels, and Facebook videos allow parents to see the similarities between our experiences. It creates a sense of connection that binds us in our shared lived experience trying to raise children in a certain time in history. That is a good thing. Especially for parents who are otherwise isolated - such as parents of babies or small children or parents of children with special needs. 

However, it’s important to give light to the darker side of this trend. Not all parenting content creators are completely transparent or honest. There are some questionable creators that are performative. They act out the role of mother or father but are actually wrapped up in their own experience rather than caring for their child. The child becomes an object or prop in which to show how wonderful the parent is. 

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of Proactive Parenting. Remember, this is a judgement-free space to learn how to raise value-driven kids in a way that is right for your family, using the most current scientific research out there. 

I’m your host, Dr. Deanna Marie Mason. I’m a certified pediatric nurse practitioner, published author, and a professional who has devoted my career to studying and using child development to help parents manage childhood issues. 

So, grab a cup of coffee or tea and settle in to learn something new about your child because when we know better, we do better. 

It seems today that we are constantly consuming media messaging that is meant to make us feel like we are somehow behind or lacking what others have. This phenomenon has not skipped parenting. There are parenting influencers showing us an edited, stylized version of what their families are like. Please know I am not judging what other do or how they make a living. What I am pointing out is that it has never been so easy to peek into other people’s lives and use that information as a mirror in which to judge our own capacity, ability, or success. 

In it’s lightest, breeziest form, TikToks, Instagram reels, and Facebook videos allow parents to see the similarities between our experiences. It creates a sense of connection that binds us in our shared lived experience trying to raise children in a certain time in history. That is a good thing. Especially for parents who are otherwise isolated - such as parents of babies or small children or parents of children with special needs. 

However, it’s important to give light to the darker side of this trend. Not all parenting content creators are completely transparent or honest. There are some questionable creators that are performative. They act out the role of mother or father but are actually wrapped up in their own experience rather than caring for their child. The child becomes an object or prop in which to show how wonderful the parent is. 

Other creators are using their children as content and making them a brand. In these cases, parents have their children perform, dress-up, or recite content to be edgy, profound, or engaging. The child isn’t doing any of these things from their own desire or expression, but, rather, trying to please the parent by doing as they are instructed or prompted. 

And the last type of creators I see let their child act normally, but focus on recording the experience rather than stepping in to help or soothe the child. One recent example I saw of this was a father recording his son being preyed upon by a hawk while riding his scooter. The father captured the whole interaction on his phone, even when the son rode right up to his dad for help, the dad didn’t stop recording. The son’s screams and terrified face didn’t motivate the father to stop the recording and shoo off the bird to protect his son. Or sometimes I see mothers who have recorded their child having a complete meltdown but don’t do anything to help that child manage those big feelings. 

I’m not implying that these are bad parents or that they have any nefarious intentions. What I want to point out is that we can dehumanize children when we repeatedly see them as fodder for consumption rather than individual humans who are in the complicated process to become adults. They need us to be kind, intelligent, supportive and protecting to properly get through the process of development. We can’t do our jobs are parents when we see our children as objects, as tools, or entertainment. We have to remember that our children do better when we are the adult, the parent, the protector, the safe place, the guide. They can’t raise themselves alone. They need us. Seeing them as individuals on a journey in which we are guides is key to assuring we raise them in a way that they stay healthy, happy, and ready to be independent adults when the grow up. 

Why? Because children thrive in environments that are consistent and predictable. Making a huge leap up in attention can be exciting but also disorienting. They may wonder if they are now a “better” person or “more powerful.” A child who has to perform for the camera or who is rewarded with attention for acting out will start to see themselves in a different way. Children can’t split themselves into two versions, such as an on-camera version and real-life version. Rather, they are an integrated whole that is non-reducible. As parents, we have to see them that way and allow them to naturally develop without demanding that they change that natural development to conform to our desires about how they should be on camera. 

So, to help you be a proactive parent, here are 3 ways you create a sustainable life in an Instagram age:

First, feel confident in who you are as a family. You have nothing to prove to anyone. What you are doing is perfect for your family. Don’t be tempted to compare yourself to others, because everyone is on a different journey. So, embrace your parenting journey and feel confident that you are up to the challenge just the way you are.

Second, assess your priorities. It’s tempting to let other people direct your family’s priorities, but you don’t have to. Instead, determine what’s important to you and your family, based on the values that drive you. Be honest about what’s happening and talk about what steps you need to take to reach your goals. You don’t need to look to the lives of other people you see online to know what you want. That information is already within you! Keep working on what feels right for your family. Then, celebrate your success!

And third, avoid comparing lifestyles. Don’t feel compelled to follow the crowd, because there is no competition for the best family. Be happy for other people and what they choose to do in their families, but feel confident that you know what is best for your family. Let go of the competition. Just live in the present moment and enjoy the unique beauty of your family. 

In the end, you know how to set your family up for success. Remember, parenting is an adventure that can be a positive experience if you stay true to your values. There is no need to record your journey and present it to the world for their judgement and critique. Nor is there any reason to be performative. Just embrace the mess, as well as the beauty, and know that this is an exclusive story that only you can write; it’s not for the entire world, only your little world - your family. 

Use these three easy steps to keep you grounded in your family’s values to help you enjoy your experience as a parent as well as raise happy and healthy children. 

This has been a big topic today, but I’ll wrap things up here. As always, I welcome your comments or questions about this episode. Please don’t hesitate to connect with me at deanna@proactiveparenting.com. And if you want to find out more about who I am and what I do, please take a look at my webpage, www.proactiveparenting.com. 

You can also go to Facebook and Instagram to connect with other parents just like you. Find me by searching for my name - Deanna Marie Mason. Finally, if you would like to purchase any of my books, online courses, such as Newborn Care or Breastfeeding Bootcamp, or audio courses, you can find all those resources on my webpage, again that is www.proactiveparenting.com 

Thanks so much for listening, I hope you found this episode useful and interesting. If you did, please leave a comment and tell a friend so they can become a Proactive Parent too! 

Well, that’s all from me for right now. This is Dr. Deanna Marie Mason signing off. I look forward to connecting with you again soon. Until then, take care and be well. Bye!