Sanity Savers: Handling Your Kid's Difficult Friends in 3 Steps

A great thing about our kiddos getting older is that our children become exposed to many different ways of being a family. At school they mix with children from other backgrounds, other types of families, and learn that there are many different ways of being a family. This makes them tolerant, accepting, and more open, which are fabulous traits for their futures. Yet, many times our children may seek out friends who appear to be similar to them, such as speak the same language natively, look similar to them, or play the same sport. When external characteristics become the defining traits to start friendships, the more important characteristics such as honesty, compassion, or fairness may be forgotten. 

As a parent, this can mean that, at times, our child has invited over a friend that does not fit our ideal image of who we want our child playing with. The children may speak the same language or play the same sport, but the children are worlds apart in terms of upbringing, values, and norms of behavior. The situation may be even more complex if the problematic friend is the son or daughter of a colleague or someone seen frequently at school events or activities. 

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of Proactive Parenting. Remember, this is a judgement-free space to learn how to raise value-driven kids in a way that is right for your family, using the most current scientific research out there. 

I’m your host, Dr. Deanna Marie Mason. I’m a certified pediatric nurse practitioner, published author, and a professional who has devoted my career to studying and using child development to help parents manage childhood issues. 

So, grab a cup of coffee or tea and settle in to learn something new about your child because when we know better, we do better. 

A great thing about our kiddos getting older is that our children become exposed to many different ways of being a family. At school they mix with children from other backgrounds, other types of families, and learn that there are many different ways of being a family. This makes them tolerant, accepting, and more open, which are fabulous traits for their futures. Yet, many times our children may seek out friends who appear to be similar to them, such as speak the same language natively, look similar to them, or play the same sport. When external characteristics become the defining traits to start friendships, the more important characteristics such as honesty, compassion, or fairness may be forgotten. 

As a parent, this can mean that, at times, our child has invited over a friend that does not fit our ideal image of who we want our child playing with. The children may speak the same language or play the same sport, but the children are worlds apart in terms of upbringing, values, and norms of behavior. The situation may be even more complex if the problematic friend is the son or daughter of a colleague or someone seen frequently at school events or activities. 

Let me stop here and clarify that I am not saying that parents should pick their children’s friends or that some reasons to be friends are better than others, such as ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, etcetera. What I am trying to discuss in this episode is that some children have different behaviors than what we want to see in our own children. Specifically, I am discussing issues related to concepts such as honesty, empathy, compassion, tolerance, respect, integrity, trustworthiness - in a nutshell - values. We generally want our children to be friends with other children who share their values so they can see the nuances and expressions of that value and learn more deeply what it means to live a value-driven life. 

So when our children make friends with someone on their sports team who has a different set of values that directly influences their behaviors, such as aggression, intolerance, racism, ignorance, dishonesty, rudeness, or cruelty, it can be hard to have these friends over when their beliefs differ so distinctly from our family’s values. 

So with that clarified, it’s easier to understand how to carefully walk the tightrope between judging and safety. 

Every family is different and there are no universal norms for how to raise a child. As a family, it is important to be accepting of the infinite variations that are present. That said, in order for children to fluidly move between the houses of friends, participate in sleep overs, attend parties, and go on outings with other families, or participate in school excursions, it is useful that some basic behaviors are learned to ensure the safety and security of every child. 

The first is honesty. Honesty keeps children accountable for their actions. Whether saying where they will be for the night, where they have been, what their activities were, who they were hanging out with, or whatever else, being honest when sharing information with parents and adults keeps kids from making costly mistakes that the adults in their lives could have helped them avoid. 

The second is respect. Respect covers both verbal and physical domains. Children should have respect for adults, other children, property, and the laws of the communities in which they live such as their school, town, housing complex, place of worship, community, etcetera. Having respect in all areas keeps children safe from unintended consequences such as fights, trouble with the police, or discipline problems at school. 

And the final one is self-control. Self-control involves noticing and applying the instructions or rules of the situation or location during decision making to avoid impulsive decisions. Children who use self-control are able to conform to rules as necessary to maintain order, safety, and respect. Failure to use self-control can put a child in danger because rules, laws, or respect are broken. 

These three basic concepts will help children conform to norms that make them pleasant and welcome in most settings. Additionally, these three concepts empower children to feel confident that they are equipped with the tools needed to navigate most social situations. Children feel out of place and embarrassed when they find themselves outside of the norms and everyone is noticing their behavior in a negative way. Teaching our children these basic concepts will assist them in moving successfully in the great variation of situations they are likely to experience. 

So, when we run into kiddos who haven’t learned these three basic concepts, what can we do to take charge when a child is driving us nuts? 

The truth is, not every child has been taught these three concepts because there are no universals. That said, it doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate a child who is being dishonest, disrespectful, or does not have self-control. Ultimately, it is the parent’s responsibility to educate their child. Yet, socially when a child is misbehaving in a way that is unsafe or dangerous to children or adults, you also have the right, and obligation, to step in to limit their negative behaviors affecting you and/or your children. 

When you need to do this, whether it’s in your home or in the community, follow these three guidelines: 

First, clarify your family norms with the child because we don’t know what we don’t know. Perhaps the child is not aware of your expectations. State which specific behaviors are not acceptable in your house, tell the child simply and clearly how to correct their behavior, and let the child know you expect them to conform to your wishes. This may sound like, “In our home, we pick up our own toys after playing. So, when you finish with the Legos you are playing with, please pick all of them off the floor, put them in the plastic bucket, and put the bucket in the closet. Everyone is expected to pick up after themselves here.” 

Second, limit harmful or disrespectful behaviors. At times, children cannot anticipate the consequences of their actions due to their development, or stubbornness. When a child is engaging in activities that are actually or potentially harmful, or disrespectful to other people or things, interrupt the child during the negative behavior and describe the potential consequences that may happen if they continue. Be clear that you cannot permit them to continue the behavior. An example of this could be, “Please stop kicking the ball into the street. When you kick the ball into the street, it is dangerous to the cars that are passing by and for the person who has to step into the street to retrieve the ball. If you don’t stop, I will need to take the ball away.” 

And the last step is to praise positive behaviors. Most children respond very well to positive feedback and praise. Catching children being good is a wonderful way to reinforce behaviors you want to see more of. When a child is fitting in, behaving well, or acting kindly give a small shower of praise. Then, when you see the child’s parent, tell the parent about the specific, positive behavior in front of the child. This gives the praise staying power because it has been shared in community and increases the likelihood that the behavior will be presented again when the child is with you. This could sound like, “Susie, I liked how you followed my directions the first time today. You are a really good listener.” It’s easy. Be short, specific, and include the child’s name, if possible. 

Your growing child will have many opportunities to interact with many different types of families. Not every family will have the same social norms and values as your family, which can cause friction when children mix. However, you can still feel confident and in control by limiting judgment and focusing on safety to assure that your child, and their friends, stays safe. 

This may have been a sensitive topic today, but I hope you learned something new to help navigate these complicated situations. As always, I welcome your comments or questions about this episode. Please don’t hesitate to connect with me at deanna@proactiveparenting.com. And if you want to find out more about who I am and what I do, please take a look at my webpage, proactiveparenting.com. 

You can also go to Facebook and Instagram to connect with other parents just like you. Find me by searching for my name - Deanna Marie Mason. Finally, if you would like to purchase any of my books, online courses, such as Newborn Care or Breastfeeding Bootcamp, or audio courses, you can find all those resources on my webpage, again that is proactiveparenting.com 

Thanks so much for listening, I hope you found this episode useful and interesting. If you did, please leave a comment and tell a friend so they can become a Proactive Parent too! 

Well, that’s all from me for right now. This is Dr. Deanna Marie Mason signing off. I look forward to connecting with you again soon. Until then, take care and be well. Bye!