Authentic Emotions in Parenting

I think one of the most difficult things we do to ourselves as parents is to make ourselves appear happy on the outside when we really feel stressed on the inside. The amount of energy it takes to put on a show of happiness is tremendous. Especially when we are already busy working on trying to solve what is making us feel stressed. The extra effort to appear happy taxes our system even more. 

Modern life has given us this false idea that we have to be enjoying ourselves on a moment-to-moment basis to be successful or happy. There is a trend to document all the #beautiful, #authentic, #blessings, #whatever to show everyone that we’re making it. This can be as simple as the specialty coffee that drink every morning or sweaty selfies at the gym or even an Amazon haul to show of fashion forward we are. 

From the outside our lives can appear to others as a fantasy or dream. Those people looking at our lives from the outside can’t see or feel the daily stress that creeps in just to get by. Jobs can be challenging, children can go through periods that test our patience as parents, illnesses can surprise us, and sometimes there is just bad luck that throws us a curveball. This dissonance between what we actually live and what we present to others to see from the outside can create a social pressure to give people what they expect. It can almost make us feel like we have an unconscious obligation to perform.

There are numerous costs to us, and our families, when we pretend we are fine, even when we’re not. 

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of Proactive Parenting. Remember, this is a judgement-free space to learn how to raise value-driven kids in a way that is right for your family, using the most current scientific research out there. 

I’m your host, Dr. Deanna Marie Mason. I’m a certified pediatric nurse practitioner, published author, and a professional who has devoted my career to studying and using child development to help parents manage childhood issues. 

So, grab a cup of coffee or tea and settle in to learn something new about your child because when we know better, we do better. 

I think one of the most difficult things we do to ourselves as parents is to make ourselves appear happy on the outside when we really feel stressed on the inside. The amount of energy it takes to put on a show of happiness is tremendous. Especially when we are already busy working on trying to solve what is making us feel stressed. The extra effort to appear happy taxes our system even more. 

Modern life has given us this false idea that we have to be enjoying ourselves on a moment-to-moment basis to be successful or happy. There is a trend to document all the #beautiful, #authentic, #blessings, #whatever to show everyone that we’re making it. This can be as simple as the specialty coffee that drink every morning or sweaty selfies at the gym or even an Amazon haul to show of fashion forward we are. 

From the outside our lives can appear to others as a fantasy or dream. Those people looking at our lives from the outside can’t see or feel the daily stress that creeps in just to get by. Jobs can be challenging, children can go through periods that test our patience as parents, illnesses can surprise us, and sometimes there is just bad luck that throws us a curveball. This dissonance between what we actually live and what we present to others to see from the outside can create a social pressure to give people what they expect. It can almost make us feel like we have an unconscious obligation to perform. 

For many of us, as parents, we have been taught that feeling stress, anger, or being overwhelmed is a sign of weakness. That these feelings are showing us our failure. We internalize an expectation that somehow we are supposed to have complete control over all of our emotions at all times and be able to manage all the difficulties we encounter without it affecting us. And, on top of this extraordinary expectation, we are supposed to do it with a smile and grace. 

The honest fact is that this is impossible. Truly, there are days when we shine and navigate the complexity of life well. However, there are other days when the wheels fall off the cart and there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that we can keep our emotions in check or solve our problems without reaching out to others for support or assistance. And it’s on these days that trying to present a happy face costs us the most. 

There are numerous costs to us, and our families, when we pretend we are fine, even when we’re not. A mouthy teen, a toddler’s meltdown, getting lost for the fifth time, the grocery store being packed with long checkout lines, or simply just experiencing some bad luck can wreak havoc on our day. When we are faced with stressful events, all the built up tension needs to be released. Often times that release comes in the form of emotional expression – yelling, tears, aggressiveness, or withdrawal. Other times we can turn to self-medication with alcohol or drugs to try to soothe ourselves. Regardless of what we choose, those strong emotions need to be released. 

It’s important to remember that our feelings are our internal barometer. They tell us what the situation means to us, how we are doing in that situation, and how we are experiencing ourselves during the situation. When we begin to present an artificial emotion, such as happiness, on our outside while experiencing a different feeling inside, we create even more internal stress. In the end, we end up making the situation worse for ourselves. 

No one can honestly be happy every day when living in this world that is complex and confusing. It is also unreasonable to expect that the difficulties of daily life aren’t going to affect us. We won’t always be able to control our emotions or manage everything by ourselves. The complexity of modern life often means we have to open up ourselves to be vulnerable and ask for assistance with things. It can make us feel vulnerable reaching out for support when it seems like everyone else is doing well on their own. Just remember, everyone is feeling the same way. 

It can be enticing to try to cover our anxiety with a façade of happiness and put on a front that we are doing well. Yet, that keeps us from acknowledging our needs and getting the support we require. The first step is to allow the inside and outside to match. 

Opening ourselves to accepting what is happening to us on an emotional level can create opportunities to improve how we feel and how we interact with others. It also helps us model how to manage stress, anxiety, difficulties, and problem solving to our children. Letting those close to us know that life is life and we are doing the best we can, but with the normal amount of friction is imperative to help us stay grounded and guide our children as they are learning to do so. Sharing honest information can lessen the pressure on us to appear happy and provide breathing room to just be and not feel the need to meet expectations. 

Using kid-appropriate language at each age and stage can help set the foundation for our children to begin learning that life isn’t alway easy, happy, and care-free. Everyone has rights and responsibilities. Speaking honestly about a difficult day, common struggles or an embarrassing experience can help our kiddos learn that life can be difficult sometimes but we just keep going. And, more importantly, it shows them that as a family, you can support each other to make hard times easier. Trust, confidence, empathy, and compassion are the outcomes of being vulnerable and being honest. 

Of course, we are the parents and must always be bigger, wiser, kinder and stronger, but it is good to talk about the normal difficulties that arise in our adult lives so that our children know that their difficult experiences are also normal. It also means that within the community of the family, we can talk, share and heal. 

It’s completely understandable that some parents want to protect their children from knowing about life’s difficulties and setbacks. However, only by allowing our inside and outside to match can we create the kind of connection we need to really feel confident and in control. Hiding behind other people’s expectations or our fear of showing our humanness can only burden us with more stress and frustration. That is never good for our children. Being brave to present our authentic experience can create healthy support systems that feed our soul and model healthy behaviors in our families. 

Today’s topic can be sensitive to some parents because vulnerability can be hard, but when we know more, we can start to consider other things we may have not thought about before. Like the need for children to see adults manage difficult emotions in a healthy way or talk about hard subjects in respectful ways, or just show how to be vulnerable enough to ask for help when it’s needed. 

This topic goes much deeper for creating healthy family environments for communication, empathy, and connection, but for now I’ll wrap things up here. We’ll delve into this more in further episodes. But, as always, I welcome your comments or questions about today’s topic. Please don’t hesitate to connect with me at deanna@proactiveparenting.com. And if you want to find out more about who I am and what I do, please take a look at my webpage, proactiveparenting.com. 

You can also go to Facebook and Instagram to connect with other parents just like you. Find me by searching for my name - Deanna Marie Mason. 

Finally, if you would like to purchase any of my books, online courses, such as Newborn Care or Breastfeeding Bootcamp, or audio courses on eating, sleeping, playing and toilet training, you can find all those resources on my webpage, again that is proactiveparenting.com 

Thanks so much for taking time out of your day to listen. I hope you found this episode useful and interesting. If you did, please leave a comment and tell a friend so they can become a Proactive Parent too! 

Well, that’s all from me for right now. This is Dr. Deanna Marie Mason signing off. I look forward to connecting with you again soon. Until then, take care and be well. Bye!