Ties That Bind: Using Traditions to Unite Your Family

This episode concentrates on how families can use traditions to strengthen family bonds while communicating values to children. Traditions, both the big ones as well as the day-to-day ones, teach our children about what family looks and behaves like. Both types are useful because they mark different times circuits. Holiday traditions mark the calendar year while day-to-day traditions create a routine and flow in a family. These are important because they are something kids can rely and depend on.

Traditions are sets of activities that are repeated on a regular schedule and can be used to mark the rhythm of the day, week, month, and year. We can define and customise our family traditions in a manner that we find appropriate for our family because, ultimately, these traditions communicate our family's values. They show what is important and why those things are important to us. Yet, the best part about traditions is the ability to carry them with us no matter what is happening because they are activities that are most often done at home. We can all use traditions can make our homes a “safe zone” where we can maintain control of what is happening in our lives. Ultimately, this instills a sense of family, values, and belonging, especially with children.

So, check out this episode to learn more about the power of traditions in supporting a strong family unity.

Proactive Parenting is based on validated theories and scientific research to provide the information you need to care for your modern family. Not everyone grew up in a completely healthy family of origin and consequently may be unsure of how to be a parent when they start a family. Proactive Parenting was created for parents who need a solid foundation to start raising their children, and for parents who want to do better. It is a way to move past old behaviours, break unhealthy habits, and replace them with parenting actions that will lead to a healthy family life for both children and parents.

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Transcript

Welcome to another episode of Proactive Parenting, a show where I offer you judgment free advice on how to raise value driven children in a way that’s right for your family using the most current scientific research out there. I’m your host, Dr. Deanna Marie Mason. I’m a certified pediatric nurse practitioner, published author, and expert in child development.

I’m also the mom of two fabulous kiddos so I know first hand how much misinformation is out there - and that’s why I’m here. So grab a cup of coffee or tea and settle in. This is a safe space where you can ask questions and get real, honest answers about how to raise kids in the way that works for you.

This year has been a constant stream of change for most families with disruptions of life on all levels, whether that is work, school, vacations, big life events like weddings, graduations or funerals, and just normal, daily life where going out to eat at a restaurant or seeing a movie has become complicated.

When families are faced with constant change, even if it is understandable, it creates stress on all the members of that family. What it means to be part of our family can be harder to identify or cope with. Let me explain....

Living like we are in this global pandemic means we need to adapt to the realities of restrictions and new norms. I don’t think anyone would have thought that we would all be wearing masks outside our homes one year ago. Or that our kids would be doing distant learning. Most adults were accustomed to going to the office every day and didn’t think their work was able to be done from the home office or kitchen table. Maybe people we were once close with behave differently because of fear of illness or we are restricted from visiting family that is at high risk.

Sadly, each of us is responsible to carry the burden to flex our typical behavior to fit into this new context. For children, this can be tremendously confusing. Our children, especially our littlest ones, have not had the chance to identify clearly with any one way of living or being. Therefore, it can appear to them that the rules keep changing depending on where they are. Children are flexible, which is good, but all this change can also make it harder for us to instill in them the values and norms we want them to learn.

Right now, what happens outside our front doors is mostly outside of our control; this includes mask mandates, changes from in person to distance learning, limiting restaurant hours, restrictions on the number of toilet paper packages we are allowed to buy. We are all adapting to new ways of being and doing outside of our homes. But in our homes we still can do the things that feel right for us and our families. We can create traditions that hold everyone together during these times of constant change.

Traditions become important because they are set activities that are repeated on a regular schedule. Traditions can be used to mark the rhythm of the day, week, month, and year. Traditions are activities that we can define and customize, and then repeat in the manner that we find appropriate for our family. Traditions ultimately communicate values – they show what is important and why those things are important. But the best part about traditions is the ability to carry them with you no matter what is happening because they are activities that are most often done at home. We can all use traditions can make our homes a “safe zone” where we can maintain control to the ebb and flow of life. Ultimately, this instills a sense of family, values, and belonging, especially with children.

Now, traditions include both the big ones related to holidays, such as making certain foods or decorating the home, as well as the day-to-day traditions that we use to teach our children about what family looks and behaves like. Both types are useful because they mark different times circuits. Holiday traditions mark the calendar year while day-to-day traditions create a routine and flow in a family. Something kids can rely and depend on.

Since the holiday season is nearly here, let’s start by talking about special days that are marked by many people. We shouldn’t just “skip” the holidays this year because we can’t get together with our families or friends. Maintaining holiday traditions permits our families to anticipate

together an event that includes people outside our household. We can choose to celebrate independence days, religious holidays, or bank holidays to convey a continued sense of unity with a larger group of people, even though we may be celebrating alone as a family. We can include phone calls or messages with extended family and friends on these days as we celebrate in our homes. Or maybe send cards or letters. This communication and connection helps maintain bonds with extended family and friends when we have to be separated. It also gives children a reason to feel like they are part of something bigger even if they haven’t experienced many big get togethers.

Daily and weekly traditions, such as a walk after dinner, eating dinner together as a family, or board game night, gives our families a sense of certainty when living in a time of continual change. These small traditions may seem trivial and insignificant, but they are essential in families with children. Why? Because these small traditions create shared obligation to the family unit. This means that on a regular basis, our families come together as one to fulfill a task or activity that demands participation from everyone. The repetition of these same activities over and over creates a sense of unity and intimacy.

It’s like we’re building an exclusive club. Only the special people in our family are permitted to join. The members have duties and roles to complete. Everyone must follow certain norms and values when they partake in activities. Being a member of this exclusive group means each member is able to enjoy familiarity and closeness with the other members, and has the opportunity to feel confident and secure in their role within the family unit. In the end, we are building a solid foundation for a trusting relationship between all members and, simultaneously, passing values and norms about what it means to be part of your family.

It’s so easy for everyone to disappear into their rooms and their electronic gadgets, but this will create a value-neutral home environment for children. This will have lastly, long-term negative effects that may be hard to correct in the future. Therefore, it’s beneficial to invest the time now to use the power of traditions to avoid issues later on.

Now I can’t stress this enough, the most important part of creating traditions, whether holiday or day-to-day, is to avoid making them so complex that it’ll stress you out to actually do them. The idea of using traditions to create a sense of family that is stable does not mean making things over-the-top or throwing big parties every day. Quite the contrary. The goal with traditions is to create normalcy for your family on a continuous basis that can be carried out no matter what is happening. Having a party every day or creating complexity will only create more stress that’ll lead to those traditions unraveling, becoming sporadic, and eventually stopping.

No one can manage constant preparations, especially now. If we try, we’ll just burn out. So try to look for things that we are already doing that we really like. We should ask ourselves if those activities foster the family values we want to instill in our children. Do those activities help us structure our family life at home in a way that is rewarding for us? Can that activity be repeated easily without causing stress or distress? Activities that meet these criteria are the traditions we want to consider implementing.

It’s also important that traditions don’t evolve into a competition. What one family finds appropriate for their traditions may be very different from another family’s. Both types of traditions are okay because different families have different values. Each family should strive to create traditions that fit and support their chosen values. There is no reason to compare or judge!

So, based on the information we’ve talked about today, the take away ideas to help you choose how traditions can create a sense of family in uncertain times include:

1. Identify the values that are important to your family
2. Select holiday traditions to share with extended family and friends

outside your home
3. Create day-to-day and weekly traditions that foster the family values you selected for your family
4. Be selective about what traditions are sustainable and avoid creating

stressful traditions
5. Know that the traditions you choose for your family will be perfect for your family’s needs

Using traditions can help us manage these trying times while still creating a close family connections.

I hope the information from this episode has encouraged you to be proactive in creating sustainable family traditions that will help now and continue to strengthen family bonds in the future. Please don’t hesitate to share a comment, question or tip you about how you are using traditions to strengthen your family’s values and sense of belonging, just drop me an email at: deanna@proactiveparenting.com. And if you want to find out more about who I am and what I do, please check out my website, www.proactiveparenting.com

You can also on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram where you can connect with other parents just like you. Find me by searching for my name - Deanna Marie Mason. Finally, if you would like to purchase any of my books or online courses on Newborn Care or Breastfeeding Bootcamp, you can do so on my webpage. Again, that’s www.proactiveparenting.com.

Thanks so much for listening, I hope you found this episode useful as we prepare for the holiday season. If you did, please leave a comment or review, and tell a friend so they can become a Proactive Parent too!

Well, I’ll close here. This is Dr. Deanna Marie Mason signing off, for now. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Until then, take care and be well. Bye!