Real Life, No Filter: The Quest for Authenticity

Everyone knows that social media is highly edited. Only the best photos make the cut and normally only positive status updates are shared. Displaying overly-perfect images alerts people that it’s just too good to be true. This can cause feelings of distrust, envy or aggression if people feel you are creating separation, which is the opposite of what we should be doing with social media. We should want to create connection because connection helps us reduce stress and anxiety.

Allowing real life to be present in social media keeps you and your contacts close. When we share both positive and negative aspects of life online, and everything in between, more realistic relationships can be fostered and maintained. This leads to real closeness and strengthened bonds of friendship and kinship. If we are worried about sharing the negative stuff online, remember that our phones still work and we can give a good friend or family member a call to talk about the touch stuff.

Of course, being honest to ourselves is also really important. We are perfect just as we are. Our family is perfect just as they are. There is no reason to present ourselves or our family differently. You and I, and our families, are exactly where we are supposed to be in this moment. We need to let go of the need for perfection.

This is the final episode of Season 1. Please feel free to go back and listen to any episodes you may have missed. It would be so helpful if you dropped us a note or review so we know if this podcast is meeting your needs. You can email comments or questions to me at deanna@proactiveparenting.com. The feedback we receive will help us structure Season 2 content. Thank you in advance for your help!

Proactive Parenting is based on validated theories and scientific research to provide the information you need to care for your modern family. Not everyone grew up in a completely healthy family of origin and consequently may be unsure of how to be a parent when they start a family. Proactive Parenting was created for parents who need a solid foundation to start raising their children, and for parents who want to do better. It is a way to move past old behaviours, break unhealthy habits, and replace them with parenting actions that will lead to a healthy family life for both children and parents.

If you want to learn more about Proactive Parenting, please visit my webpage and social media sites:

Website: www.proactiveparenting.com

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Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr.deannamariemason/

Transcript

Welcome to another episode of Proactive Parenting, a show where I offer you judgment free advice on how to raise value driven children in a way that’s right for your family using the most current scientific research out there. I’m your host, Dr. Deanna Marie Mason. I’m a certified pediatric nurse practitioner, published author, and expert in child development. I’m also the mom of two fabulous teens so I know first hand how much misinformation is out there - and that’s why I’m here. So grab a cup of coffee or tea and settle in. This is a safe space where you can ask questions and get real, honest answers about how to raise kids in the way that works for you.

Today is a big day since it is our 20th episode and the end of Season 1. This is a new format for Proactive Parenting and is meant to be responsive to the shift from text based information to audio information. It would be great to hear some feedback from listeners about how you like what you’re hearing, if the information we are sharing here has been useful to how you parent, and if you are comfortable with how the information is being presented. Hearing from you will help us plan our content and, hopefully, improve your experience in Season 2. Our goal is to share research-based information in a manner that is inclusive of each child’s individual development as well as the wide array of ways that families choose to raise their children. Overall, we want to help you reach harmony in your homes while caring for your children and yourself. If we are meeting that goal, please let us know by leaving a rating or sending us an email.

Well, we are coming to the close of another year and that is generally a time for reflection about what has happened over the last 12 months and consideration of what we would like to see change in the new year. To me, it always seems like December is the last chapter in a book where everything from the last 12 months is understood and a conclusion is waiting to be revealed. And, based on the ending of the book, I try to decide what I want to read next - what type of story, how do I want to feel as I read that story, and what do I hope to learn from the characters and storylines.

This year, living through a global pandemic, being separated from family and friends, and having my normal activities altered has made this process so much more present in my mind. I have had to come to some new conclusions that I didn’t see before because I was so busy. Slowing down, being at home, taking stock of what I have, what I need, what I value, and who I want to spend my time with has been a learning process for me. Perhaps this has happened to you too. It can actually be a little bit uncomfortable to have time to be so reflective. So, being a researcher, I went to the scientific literature to find out why I was feeling this way and how I can use this new awareness to create positive change in the new year.

One thing I want to spend time on is not measure it myself against others. This is so hard in today’s social media saturated world. Some families seem to live a dream life in which everything is happy, perfect, and beautiful. Their jobs are fulfilling and they keep getting promotions and raises. Their children are the uber compassionate and are the best athletes/musicians/artists with top grades and honors. Their vacations are picturesque with perfect weather. They always look flawless in every photo with brilliant, white smiles. Money never seems like an issue as they always have the newest of everything. At least that is what their Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest pages show.

But in reality, we know that life is complicated, dirty, and downright tough sometimes. Yes, life is also wonderful, but not every day. Life may have thrown us curve balls this year. Some are easier to catch than others. Jobs are sometimes overwhelming and stressful. Kids act up and out in ways we could never anticipate. Every now and then a vacation or planned event is a total disaster. And frequently, we don’t look our best due to fatigue, stress, or lack of time - or the closing of hair salons this past spring! Wow, that was a hit to my vanity. And then money, even when there is enough; it’s always an issue in modern life.

So why are there all these shiny, happy families being portrayed on social media when in reality we know that life is filled with complexity? Seeing so much perfection on Instagram can make us wonder if this magical life really exists for some and evades others? Or is there something more going on?

Research has shown that most of what we see on social media is really false and creates a comparative that is virtually impossible to attain. Social media sites, such as Facebook and Instagram, are now being used by more than a billion users, or nearly 20% of the world’s population. Social media is a big force and touches most people’s lives, especially when social distancing, social bubbles, learning bubbles, and travel restrictions are keeping us apart from family and friends.

Yet, it’s important to remember that social media can allow individuals to present different aspects of who they are online, such as their real self, ideal self, or false self. The choice of which self to present is multifaceted. Some people may choose to present a certain self to gain acceptance, to win approval of others, or to help construct a new identity.

Research has also shown that individuals who experience self-doubt are more likely to present an idealized or false self online. Self-doubt can present itself in individuals who suffer from anxiety, worry, moodiness, envy or jealousy. And really, during this pandemic, who isn’t feeling a little anxiety and worry? Additionally, researchers have found that individuals who are extroverted tend to use social media sites, like Facebook and Instagram, more than introverts. Therefore, extroverted individuals with self-doubt have the highest likelihood of presenting only their ideal self or false self online. What’s the motivation for this? The motivation for presenting an ideal self or false self online is to calm anxiety and feel confident about how others perceive them and who they are.

In the 1930’s, the sociologist George Herbert Mead purported that as humans, we know ourselves through social interaction. So the people around us and how we interact with them teach us about who we are, our values, our potential, our limitations, and so forth. Today, social media has become a major influence in our modern life as a way to interact with people beyond our physical location. Social media platforms also allows us to capture, edit, and present various aspects of our lives in ways that are not possible with direct physical interaction.

Social media also allows us to have asynchronous interaction, or a delay between when we do something and when we present it to the world. This extra time gives us time for editing, repetition of an activity until the desired result occurs, or simply not sharing what happened so no one knows about it.

While we are all dealing with the unique changes occurring in modern life, especially around this global pandemic, it’s only normal to have more anxiety, self-doubt, and worry because we are constantly confronted with different situations that we weren’t anticipating or necessarily know how to react to. This can make it very enticing to alter our experience to show only positive events as a means to feel in control and give a picture perfect experience to friends and family to make it seem like we are doing well and are able to manage.

Even among people close to us that we interact with frequently this corrective self-presentation supports an image of control, confidence, and good adaptation to the new situation. How realistic is it really to show that I’m able to work 60 hours a week, essentially homeschool my honor role children and still find time for daily meditation and yoga while somehow not having any grey hairs show and blog about organic green juices? These types of narratives cannot be completely true because we are all human. In the end, if we are posting these types of stories, we are using social comparison to impress others and to present a unified image of what we aspire to be rather than reality.

Based on this sociology research, the take away information to help us reduce the cognitive dissidence between what we are really feeling and doing and what we are choosing to show to others include:

Remembering that presenting less truthful information to impress others diminishes the reality of the lived experience. Presenting the ideal self/ family or false self/family may be a coping mechanism for some underlying issues. It’s possible the desire to use an ideal or false self to participate in social comparison to impress others may be masking problems rather than addressing them.

Dealing with underlying self-doubt, anxiety, fear, worry, or feelings of being overwhelmed is always better than suppression. Creating an idealized reality to present to the world cannot eliminate these feelings in real life and, if left unchecked, these feelings may lead to phobias, depression, or panic.

Everyone knows that social media is highly edited. Only the best photos make the cut and normally only positive status updates are shared. Displaying overly-perfect images alerts people that it’s just too good to be true. This can cause feelings of distrust, envy or aggression if people feel you are creating separation, which is the opposite of what we should be doing with social media. We should want to create connection because connection helps us reduce stress and anxiety.

Allowing real life to be present in social media keeps you and your contacts close. When we share both positive and negative aspects of life online, and everything in between, more realistic relationships can be fostered and maintained. This leads to real closeness and strengthened bonds of friendship and kinship. If we are worried about sharing the negative stuff online, remember that our phones still work and we can give a good friend or family member a call to talk about the touch stuff.

Of course, being honest to ourselves is also really important. We are perfect just as we are. Our family is perfect just as they are. There is no reason to present ourselves or our family differently. You and I, and our families, are exactly where we are supposed to be in this moment. We need to let go of the need for perfection.

When we ignore issues, avoid dealing with problems, or live in a dream world online we don’t actually make our lives any better. In fact, it can make us feel like our real life is not measuring up to the sparkly life we present online. We start to compete against ourselves which is a losing situation. Only by being honest with the realities of our life, and that of our family, can we address issues and work to resolve them or find ways to cope. We can’t find answers when we are running from the truth.

The reality of social media is that we can choose what we present to the world. We need to accept and show who we are so that we teach our children to accept and present who they are without apology. Moving away from the culture of personality, which values only our image, and moving towards a culture of character, that values our inherent perfection, as well as who we are striving to be, is the healthier option.

Embracing the culture of character allows us to address where we are and seek assistance, if needed, for where we want to go. The culture of personality forces us to grin and bear our pain in silence so that everyone around us thinks we are happy. Avoiding this lying trap will allow us and our families to enjoy the journey, manage the ups and down, and stay healthy on the way.

I hope the information from this episode has helped you identify something you might want to change in your online presence. Please don’t hesitate to share a comment or question or offer a tip on what steps you are planning to take. You can do this by dropping me an email at: deanna@proactiveparenting.com. And if you want to find out more about who I am and what I do, please check out my website, www.proactiveparenting.com

You can also on Facebook and Instagram where you can connect with other parents just like you. Find me by searching for my name - Deanna Marie Mason. Finally, if you would like to purchase any of my books or online courses on Newborn Care or Breastfeeding Bootcamp, you can do so on my webpage. Again, that’s www.proactiveparenting.com.

Thanks so much for listening, I hope you found this episode useful as we look forward to a new year. If you did, please leave a comment or review, and tell a friend so they can become a Proactive Parent too! Also, please consider leaving a comment or question about this Proactive Parenting podcast so we can polish our approach to reach you better. We are always looking to improve and provide you with the information you need to raise your children in a way the works for you and your family. As with everything, this is a process and your voice and input are crucial to assuring we structure this program to meet your needs.

Thank you again for listening to Season 1. If you’ve missed any episode, please know that they are available on my webpage, www.proactiveparenting.com, so feel free to go back and listen to any podcasts you may have missed.

Well, I’ll close here. This is Dr. Deanna Marie Mason signing off, for now. I look forward to seeing you again in Season 2. However, until then, take care and be well. Bye!